The Ballad of Chili Con Conquistador!

By Keith J. McGuffey

Chase, Kayla and Pie Tin surveyed the land around them. They had never traveled this far out. The air was warm and dry, cactuses positioned like ancient guardsmen.

"Oh, it's almost too hot to eat, but we should find something soon anyway," said Pie Tin with a grin.

"Pie Tin, stop thinking with just your stomach," said Kayla. "We're came here to find new recipes for powerful Foodons, not to stuff our faces!"

"And if I'm going to be the best chef in the land, I need to learn how to use the hottest, spiciest ingredients I can find!" said Chase.

They continued on by foot for another hour, sweat pouring down their backs. The skyline wriggled with heat as the sun sat high above their heads.

"I think we passed that cow skull before," said Pie Tin. "We're lost."

On the horizon, Chase thought he saw the silhouette of a person headed towards them.

"Hey, maybe this guy can help us find the next town!" said Chase.

"Maybe he can tell us how to get some water out of these cactuses," said Kayla.

"Actually, the plural of cactus is cacti," said Pie Tin.

"Either one is acceptable!" shouted Kayla.

After another hour of walking, Chase and his friends finally got close enough to the figure they had seen to talk to him. His long clothes helped to slim his portly frame. Spatulas and ladles hung from his belt. The group introduced themselves.

"Friends call me Chef Nacho bel Grande!" the man said. "I'm the cooking-est chef in all this here desert!"

"A chef!" said Chase, with stars in his eyes. "I'm trying to become the best chef in all the land, and I need to learn about all types of dishes. Are you any good with spicy foods?"

"Am I any good?" said Chef Nacho. His nostrils flared as the smile faded from his sun-kissed face. "Young man, I just told you I'm the cooking-est chef in the all this here desert. You don't get to be the cooking-est chef in all this here desert without knowing how to add a healthy dose of capsaicin to every dish! Don't insult me!"

"What's capsaicin?" said Chase.

"What?! What's capsaicin?!" Chef Nacho was in an all-out rage. "It's the spice that's the essence of life itself, and a natural analgesic! You want to learn about spicy dishes? Well, I'll teach you!"

Chef Nacho reached beneath his clothes and pulled out a recipe card. He held it high in the air before slamming it on the ground in front of him.

"Now serving: Chili Con Conquistador!" said Chef Nacho.

A bright light flashed from the card. A figure materialized from it. It's smooth, metal chest plate and crested helmet reflected the sun's rays. Its arms and legs dripped a gooey substance dotted with diced jalapeno and tomato. In its right hand it held a yellow halberd.

"Conquista!" said Chili Con Conquistador with a flourish.

"If it's culinary combat you want, you're on!" said Chase. He pulled out his own recipe card. "Now serving: Fried Ricer!"

Fried Ricer materialized from his card. "Ricer! Ho hah!"

Fried Ricer dashed at Chili Con Conquistador, using his large spoons to deflect jabs from Chili Con Conquistador's cheesy halberd. Chili Con Conquistador stepped backward, keeping Fried Ricer at a distance.

With a hefty swing, Fried Ricer planted his spoon firmly in Chili Con Conquistador's chest plate with a dull thud. Chili Con Conquistador was unphased.

"Ricer?" Fried Ricer's eyes widened in surprise.

"Conquista." Chili Con Conquistador's eyes narrowed. He swiped his halberd, catching Fried Ricer in the side of the head. Fried Ricer tumbled to the side, landing on his knees. While he was close enough to Chili Con Conquistador to avoid the tip of the halberd, the staff left a burn on his cheek.

"Good job, Chili Con Conquistador! You see that burn on your Foodon, Chase? If you can't beat the heat, get out of the kitchen!" said Chef Nacho.

"You can do this, Fried Ricer!" said Chase.

The battle raged on. Chili Con Conquistador's armor protected him from Fried Ricer's assault, while his halberd and oozing appendages left burns on Fried Ricer's torso.

'Beat the heat…' Chase thought to himself.

Fried Ricer was more agile and skilled with his weapons than Chili Con Conquistador, but he couldn't keep this up for long. Chili Con Conquistador's defense was too great and the burns were taking their toll.

"Fried Ricer can't take much more of this!" said Kayla. "He wasn't made to take this much heat!"

Just then, something in Chase's brain clicked. He had other Foodons; Fried Ricer didn't need to beat the heat alone!

"Fried Ricer, come back!" shouted Chase. Fried Ricer returned to Chase's side, limping in agony and dragging his spoons loosely by his sides. Chase pulled another recipe card. "Now serving: Burnt Meatballs!"

Five small meatballs, burnt blacker than charcoal, materialized from the card. Their white eyes shone brightly against their inky bodies. Burnt Meatballs was Chase's first attempt at making a Fighting Foodon, but he cooked them too long.

"Giving up already?" said Chef Nacho. "Now you'll see why I'm the cooking-est chef in all of this here desert. Get them, Chili Con Conquistador!"

Chili Con Conquistador swung his halberd overhead, landing squarely on one of the meatballs. Rich cheese coated its tiny, round body. The other four meatballs were shocked. Chili Con Conquistador pulled his halberd back to his side, triumphant.

A few seconds later, the cheesy meatball shook off its yellow coating. It was completely unharmed!

"You can't burn what's already burned!" shouted Chase. The meatballs bounced happily.

"We'll see about that! Finish them off, Chili Con Conquistador!" Chef Nacho commanded.

Chili Con Conquistador attacked the meatballs relentlessly. Each one shook off its cheesy coating unharmed. After several attacks, Chili Con Conquistador was winded.

"Now's your chance, Burnt Meatballs!" Chase said.

The meatball leapt at Chili Con Conquistador in unison, nailing the exhausted Foodon square in the breastplate. Chili Con Conquistador toppled over backward, defeated.

"No! How could Chili Con Conquistador lose to such a terrible dish?" said Chef Nacho. "Maybe he wasn't spicy enough? I knew I should have added hot sauce."

"It looks like Chase is the cooking-est chef in all of this here desert now," said Kayla.

"Thanks for the fight. Maybe we'll run into somewhere down the road," said Chase.

The group continued onward, headed toward the horizon and away from the defeated Chef Nacho bel Grande.

"Wait," said Pie Tin. "Did we ever get directions to the next town?"

THE END.