A/N: The following is my first crack fic ever. It's the result of a prompt you will find at the end of this one-shot. I'm trying to get back into writing, I really am. Please be patient with me, and rest assured that Accommodations is NOT abandoned. I'm doing the best I can. Thank you for your continued support. It means the world to me. 3

"Can I talk to her?"

"Hush, she is still sleeping –"

"But when she wakes, can I talk to her?"

An impatient mumbling was the reply that sounded suspiciously like "as if anything other than a tightly pressed pillow could shut you up", but it grew more and more quiet, as if the person talking was walking away. A door fell shut, and the second voice vanished.

"Hey," the first voice was suddenly very close. A finger prodded her through the bedding. "Hey, are you awake? Are you awake yet?"

With a groan, she opened her eyes, only to screw them tightly shut against the blinding light that greeted her from the ceiling.

"Oh, you are awake! I knew it!"

A high pitched squeal greeted her. When she eventually managed to pry her eyes open, she was greeted by the exuberant and startlingly close face of a middle aged woman with a huge pink bow in her hair.

"Hi, I'm Kitty!" the woman almost screamed in her face.

The girl in the bed flinched.

"Kitty, yes, that's my name. My name," Kitty insisted. "The staff here like to call me Dolores, but that's a horrid name. Do you know what it means? It means sorrow. Who in their right mind would call someone 'sorrow'?"

"I'm – er – where am I?" the girl in the bed asked.

"St Mungo's," Kitty explained. "It's a home for special people. Like us! I am special! And so are you! What's your name?"

That, the girl thought, was a very good question.

"I think –" she began, but broke off to think. "I feel like I might be called Kitten."

Kitty squealed in joy.

"Kitten and Kitty," she sang, "Kitty and Kitten. Oh, I love it! Don't you just love it?"

"I – er –" Kitten hesitated. Then, she hesitantly smiled. "Yeah, I guess I do. How long have you been here?"

"Oh, I arrived just before you did," Kitty explained. "Or maybe a decade ago. Or was is just a few weeks back?"

At Kitten's confused look, she continued, "It doesn't really matter, see? Nobody would talk to me. The people in the awfully green robes would prod at me and give me awful potions to drink, and ask inane questions, but there was nobody special here before you. Will you be my best friend? I feel like we're best friends already!"

"Er, sure," Kitten mumbled, but her words drowned as the door to their room opened.

"Mione," a relieved looking redhead exclaimed loudly. "Oh, Mione, I was so worried about you! Thank Merlin you are awake. When Kingsley said that he couldn't wake you after that cauldron exploded in your face, my heart hurt so badly, I could hardly breathe. Did the healers say when I can take you back home yet?"

The ginger wizard reached out to embrace Kitten, but she recoiled from the stranger's touch.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I – er – Ron," he said. "Hermione, it's me, Ron. Ronald Weasley, your boyfr– your friend, remember?"

"I – as a matter of fact, I don't think I do," Kitten said. "What did you call me again?"

"I called you by your name," Ronald slowly said, his expression wary. "Hermione."

Hermione. Kitten cautiously formed the syllables with her lips. The name felt familiar on her tongue, yet her mind was strangely dissociated from it.

"Hem hem."

A high pitched throat clearing behind Kitten had the redhead flinch. His eyes widened as he took in the witch standing on the opposite side of the bed.

"I'm afraid there has been some mistake," Kitty proclaimed sweetly. "You see, Mr Weasley, Kitten here has been chosen to share a room with me. We've been put together, you see, and she will be going nowhere. She's mine now. Mine, and you are distressing her awfully with your aggressive demeanor."

Kitten sighed in relief. Kitty, her best friend whom she had only just met, felt familiar. Circe, even their names were similar. Kitty was taking control of the situation. Kitty was taking care of her. Kitty was keeping her safe.

"Now, listen here, you uppity Ministry bitch," Ronald seethed. "If you think for one moment that you can take Mione away from me, my Hermione, then you've got something else coming. I –"

"You will leave," Kitten stated, her voice calm yet determined. "You will leave and spew your lies somewhere else, where you can disturb neither Kitty nor me. You will leave and you will not come back. Leave. Now."

Before Ronald could reply, the door opened once more. Into the room burst three people; a muscular dark-skinned wizard with laugh lines around his eyes, a tall rugged looking wizard with scars criss-crossing his face, and a slender young witch with hair the colour of burnished copper whose striking beauty was only diminished by the unmistakable likeness to the wizard spewing disturbing lies at Kitten's bedside.

All three newcomers talked at the same time.

"Please forgive me, Hermione, the potion –"

"Oh Hermione, when they told us Kingsley as good as blew you up –"

"You had us worried there for a minute, kitten –"

"You!" Kitten exclaimed. "How do you know my name?"

The others turned to look at scarface, stunned.

"Everybody here knows your name, kitten," he said slowly, his expression wary. "You're Hermione Jean Granger, top of her class at Hogwarts and brightest witch of her age."

"But I'm Kitten," Kitten insisted, "and you seem the only one to call me that, except for Kitty."

Only then did the intruders seem to notice the pudgy faced witch next to Kitten's bed.

"I think," the beautiful ginger witch said, "we should all grab a chair and settle in for a bit of story time."

Scarface easily conjured four chairs for the visitors. He hesitated for a moment, sending a look at Kitty that was full of hate but clearly showed him warring with an inner politeness that would dictate he conjure a chair for Kitty as well. Kitty, however, had no need for a chair. She simply pushed her bed closer to Kitten's, heaved her body onto the covers, and threw an arm around her best friend. Kitten grew warm with the comfort the innocent friendly gesture lent her.

"My name is Kingsley Shacklebolt," the dark skinned wizard introduced himself. "I am an Auror with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement within the Ministry of Magic. During the summer holidays, I occasionally allow Hogwarts students such as you," he gestured at Kitten, "to intern for a couple of days to help with supervised brewing tasks for the Aurory. You showed an adept hand at potioneering, so I had you tend to your own cauldron while I tended mine. We must have mixed up some ingredients between our tables, and suddenly your cauldron exploded and you were hit in the forehead by the ladle – with quite some force, I might add. When a Rennervate wouldn't wake you, we brought you here, to St Mungo's."

"That can't be right," Kitten shook her head. "Kitty said I came to St Mungo's because I was special. I was chosen!"

"Hermione," the witch who had introduced herself as Ginny began cautiously.

"It's Kitten," Kitten insisted.

"Yes, of course, sorry," Ginny backpedaled, "Kitten. Kitten, St Mungo's isn't a place for special people. It's a hospital. A healthcare facility. People – patients – come here to be treated for maladies and accidents and other conditions that can't be cured at home. You're here until the healers – the people with the lime green robes – find a solution to bring your memory back, and then we'll take you home."

"Hem hem," Kitty cleared her throat with an air of superiority, once again assuming control of the situation. "Excuse me, but it sounds as if you're suggesting something was wrong with Kitten, when the only ones confused about her identity and her purpose for being here appear to be the four of you. And by extension, it almost sound as if – and I'm sure this is just a big misunderstanding – but it almost sounds as if you're suggesting something might be wrong with me, as well."

Kitty cocked her head to the side, a sweet smile on her lips and an expression of politely confused inquiry in her eyes.

Kitten nodded. That made sense. The four intruders had to be mistaken. She belonged with Kitty, after all.

"The only one mistaken here would be you, Madam Umbridge," Scarface countered. Mr Lupin, Kitten reminded herself, this man said his name was Remus Lupin. "You were a teacher at Hogwarts last year, and had a terrible run-in with some centaurs in the Forbidden Forest close to the end of term. To recover from your experience, you were brought here."

"That is preposterous," Kitty bristled. "Surely I would remember such a thi-"

Suddenly she was out of bed, her back pressed into the far corner of the room, her eyes darting about the room, wide with fear. The ginger wizard, Ronald, smugly stopped the clicking noise he had made with his tongue, resembling hooves on pavement.

"Surely you would remember such a thing, professor," he echoed.

A staff member in a horrid green robe bustling into the room broke up their story telling session, to Kitten and Kitty's great relief. The staff member – healer, Kitten remembered – shooed the visitors out of the room, telling them they'd receive their news if and when there were any and that the patients needed their medicine now.

Kitty grew visibly more tranquil as she calmly imbibed the potion handed to her. Kitten's own medicine took a while as the healers handed her vial after vial, checking her vitals in between each potion. Kitten knew she should be disturbed at their obvious experimentation, but it allowed her to listen to the heated discussion going on outside their doors.

"We have to take her home," Ronald insisted. "We can't let her stay here, locked up in a room with Um-bitch. We can't!"

"We can't very well kidnap her from hospital either," the calm voice of Auror Shacklebolt interrupted his tirade. "If the healers say she's not well enough to leave, we have to respect that. And as Miss Granger doesn't appear to recognize any of us, I don't believe she'd come willingly."

"Kingsley is right," Mr Scarface – Lupin – agreed. "And maybe it's for the best, to have her share a room with Umbridge. The two of them seemed friendly enough. It might do the Madam Undersecretary a world of good to become friends with a girl who embodies all she despises so much."

"Now wait for a moment, Remus," Ginny exclaimed. "You're only saying that because Tonks was happy to spend plenty of time with Hermione before she went on her internship with Kingsley. Just because you are feeling severely undershagged doesn't give you the right to –"

All four voices erupted in anger, one shouting over the other.

Kitten turned her attention back to the room at hand. Reaching for another vial as if on automation, she was surprised to find the healers' tray empty.

"Excuse us, Miss Granger," the healer in charge said. "We'll be back in a few hours with more information. You just stay put for now."

The healers left. Kitten glanced at the bed next to hers. Kitty was soundly sleeping, her potion knocking the fear right out of her. One hand was stretched out into Kitten's direction. She gladly took the hand in hers. A smile crept into Kitty's sleeping features.

Content with the small measure of comfort she could provide her best friend, Kitten tuned into the voices on the corridor once more. The fight had been broken up, it seemed, and her healer was speaking to the group outside her room.

"As long as we don't know what exactly is causing her memory loss, we are grasping in the dark," the healer explained. "As she was in a potions accident, we've tried a number of different potions to reverse the effect, but so far none of them have shown any significant changes. We will let Miss Granger rest for a few hours so that the potions we've already tried have time to leave her system, and then we will try a few more. In the meantime –"

"Oh, this is a whole load of hippogryph crap," the impatient voice of Ginny Weasley cut through the healer's report. "She was hit in the head by a ladle. Have you tried hitting her in the head yet? No? Well then –"

"Miss Weasley!"

"Ginny!"

"Gin!"

"Ginevra!"

The surprised voices of the healer, Remus Lupin, Ronald Weasley, and Kingsley Shacklebolt were lost on Ginevra Weasley. Through the door, bursting open once more, Kitten could see her grab the now empty tray off the healer, charge into the room, and come right at Kitten. Ginny raised the tray in her wand hand, her arm stretched out, muscles taut, ready to strike.

"What –" Kitten managed to press out.

Then her world went black.

"We will return her to her parents' home, thank you, Healer Witherby," the smooth notes of Kingsley's voice intoned in the background as he signed the discharge papers. "Thank you for all your efforts."

Ginny snorted.

"All his efforts?" she whispered far too loudly, her eyes screaming offense. "I was the one to bring your memories back."

"Yeah, thanks, Ginny," Hermione replied, rubbing the huge bump on her forehead. It still smarted, but at least she now remembered everything. Everything. Oh God –

"Yeah, and not a moment too soon, Gin," Ron said. "To believe that you were in a weird friendship with Dolores Umbridge, of all people, Mione! The two of you seemed about to elope together or something like that."

"Let's – let's maybe forget about that small detail," Hermione mumbled, her face burning with embarrassment.

"Oh, never," Ron shot back, a wistful expression on his face. "This will definitely go into some speech at our – at your wedding, Mione."

"Ready to go?" Remus interrupted their banter.

"Yes, please!" Hermione exclaimed. "I can't wait to get out of here."

"There you are," a young witch with bubblegum pink hair cried from the hospital entrance, spying their little group in the seating area. "Let's get all of you home!"

She greeted Remus with a brief chaste kiss to his lips before ruffling the Weasley siblings' hairs and dragging Hermione into a long, warm embrace.

"I was so worried," she whispered to Hermione, loud enough for everyone to hear.

"Thanks, Tonks," Hermione smiled, blushing at the welcome hug. "I'm glad to be back."

"And I'm glad to have you back," the young Auror smiled back. "Let's get out of here, what do you say?"

And together, the small group gladly moved to leave St Mungo's.

"Listen, Tonks," Ginny called the metamorphmagus' attention, "can you do us a favor and shag Lupin here a bit more often? The poor sod was ready to leave our Hermione to Umbridge's clutches, if only because it would free you up for him."

"I – no – I did no such thing – Ginevra – Dora – I –"

The group laughed, and a series of pops had them Disapparating to Grimmauld, and with that, back to normality.

A/N: There was a prompt in a Facebook group that I simply couldn't ignore:

[1] Character you wish you could hex but not kill: Ronald Weasley

[2] Character you wish you could snog: Kingsley Shacklebolt

[3] Character you wish would die: Dolores Umbridge

[4] Character you wish you were: Ginevra Weasley

[5] Character you wish you could have saved: Remus Lupin

STORY TIME: Hermione is in a relationship with [1] but during a potions accident with [2] she temporarily she temporarily loses her memories and [3] steals her affections away while [4] tries to find a fix. Meanwhile, [5] is silently rooting the budding new relationship on.