This was inspired by Liannabob's Function on ao3. I thank you for your wonderful story, if you're reading this!

BAD AT IT

The first time it happened, he was just so happy to see her, so happy to have found a way to get back to her. He hadn't meant to do it, of course, and that was what scared him. He'd immediately set her aside with a muttered, "I need to go see Linda," and taken off.

"Lucifer, wait!" Chloe called after him, but that was all he heard as he flung himself off the balcony to fly away.

Sure, he was breaking into Linda's house, but he wasn't even sure what day of the week it was, much less how long it would take to set up an appointment.

"Linda," he said breathlessly, ignoring her quick start and shocked expression. "I know I've been gone but something's happened—"

She held up a shaking hand that made him furrow his brow in confusion, then walked straight up to him and wrapped her arms around his middle, burying her face in his chest. "We missed you," she murmured, sniffling lightly. "I'm so glad…so glad you're back."

Softening, he chuckled, returning her embrace. "I missed you all as well. Which is why," he began, gently pulling away from her with his hands on her shoulders, "I need a quick talk with my beloved therapist because…well…."

"If you're worried about Chloe," she started, motioning towards the couch with ease, "I assure you that she is going to be very happy that you're back. She's been asking Amenadiel to help her find a way to get you out for months now—"

He waved her off. "I know all about that, Doctor. I just came from meeting Chloe at LUX. But that's what I want to—"

"What do you mean, you just came from there?!" she cried, a hand flying to her mouth as she belatedly realized how loud she was being. Lowering her volume as she glanced towards Charlie's nursery, she whispered furiously, "You met with Chloe then ditched her to come here? Do you know how that is going to make her feel?"

"That's just it; we kissed and—"

"I can't believe you!" she interrupted quietly, viciously. "She's been pining for you for almost a year and you barely give her a kiss before running off?! Didn't you think to ask her what she wanted?" She threw up her hands dramatically, turning away from him to pace to the far wall. After a moment, she spun back to him, fingers rubbing at her temples. "Please, walk me through how you could leave her—right when you come back—when she has wanted nothing more than to be with you for months."

"That's the problem!" he shouted, leaping to his feet to pace the floor. "I don't know what the detective desires; she's immune to my powers! How do I know that what's going on in her head?" He raked a hand through his hair, other hand to his hip as he stopped suddenly. "And because I can't use my powers on her, I kissed her and our teeth clicked—"

Linda's brow furrowed as she watched him, understanding slowly dawning in her expression. "What do you mean your teeth clicked?" she asked deliberately.

He threw his hands up in the air as if she were an idiot he was trying to explain basic math to. As if she didn't know. "You know, when you're in the moment but then you both tilt the same way and your teeth…click. Hard." He caught her nearly inaudible giggle and sent her a killing look. "It isn't funny, Linda; this is me. I don't kiss and…click!"

"Oh, I'm sure it isn't for you," she agreed, a secretive smile on her face. "It's probably very tough, seeing as you have no experience with having to actually communicate with your lover." She took a seat in her armchair, waving widely to the sofa, welcoming him to do the same.

Eyes narrowed as he sat, Lucifer insisted, "I assure you, I always speak with my lovers; I ask them what they desire, and they tell me. Then I give it to them. Surely, being with my brother hasn't wiped out all memory of our time together, Linda." He sat down, flipping out his suit jacket and crossing his legs. "I am not a selfish lover!"

"I'm…aware, Lucifer," she answered uncomfortably, shifting her weight purposefully in her seat. "But what I'm trying to point out is that…Chloe is immune to your abilities." At his blank look, she leaned forward, keeping her voice steady. "She's the only person ever to resist it, so…." She let herself trail off, hoping that—this one time—he might not misconstrue her words.

He gave her a confused brow furrow, adding slowly, "So…she's a freak of nature, sent by my Father to throw me off. Haven't we been over this before? I believe we've had this discussion before."

Lord help me, she thought with a sigh, eyeing her client. "Yes, but…doesn't that make her different?"

"As I said, I'm well aware—"

"This is normal, okay?!" she finally cried, throwing her arms in the air. "This is new and it's all about communication! That's what human relationships are all about; talking, learning about each other. You have to become…emotionally intimate before you can become physically intimate. If she's important to you," she added quickly when he started to answer.

The Devil's mouth opened and closed, gaping like a fish. "Of course, she's important!" he finally said. "I…well, I love her. I just…I don't want to ruin what we're…starting."

Linda was startled at his self-awareness, that she hadn't had to pull that revelation out of him like teeth. The Devil had done some growing in his time away, it seemed. "Well, then," she coughed, shifting once again in her seat, ready for the long haul. "Let's start with why you think you might ruin it."

-.-.-.-.-.-

The well-meaning doctor had tried to help him, inspiring him to take things slow; as if the three years he'd worked with the detective weren't slow enough. But she'd had a wonderful idea: go on dates, see where things went.

Their first two official dates had been wonderful. They'd talked about everything, from their families to the food. After trying to take her to the most exclusive restaurant in town, he'd learned that she simply didn't need the expensive night out. She admitted that she wasn't completely satisfied with the tiny portions and they'd ended up in a small diner, laughing over burgers and fries served in baskets with liners so coated with grease, they'd been see-through.

"No ketchup on hers, thank you," he'd said to the waitress as they'd ordered. When he glanced back to Chloe, intending to continue talking about her time on set for Hot Tub High School, she'd given him the most wonderful smile, full of innocent happiness. What had made her so happy? "Are you okay? Did I say something?"

She slowly shook her head, her grin widening as she reached across the table to take his hand. "Thank you for remembering."

He'd been confused but preened at the praise and let it die there. They'd kissed at her door like teenagers with their parents watching, and he'd walked back to his car, humming the whole way home.

Their second date, he'd allowed her to plan, and it had been much homier. In fact, it had taken place at her apartment with her offspring in tow. They'd watched movies and she'd snuggled under his arm, wrapping hers around his waist with a sigh as her head became a welcome weight on his chest. The child's movies weren't the least bit interesting—mostly just a bunch of singing and dancing and bright colors—but it didn't stop him from enjoying himself. Especially when both Decker women shushed him at pointing out a clear plothole that hadn't any place in the movie.

After going through the urchin's bedtime routine, Chloe had returned, saying, "We can watch a more…mature movie. If you want."

She'd had the most beautiful blush crossing over her cheeks. Nervously rubbing her arm, she eyed him, gently biting her lip. She was in her comfy pajamas, the ones with faded grey cats inlaid into equally faded blue plaid pant legs with a long-sleeve grey T-shirt.

Did she have any idea what she was doing to him?

Because he really wanted to show her what she was doing to him, what a heart-stopping picture she painted looking at him like that.

But he didn't. Instead, he gave her chaste kiss, telling her that he would see her the next day at the precinct. And he went home, wondering if he would make it through another month of slow.

Now it was the third date, and she'd insisted on going to LUX to dance. He clearly hadn't thought through his exclamation that it was a wonderful idea because two problems arose almost immediately.

The first, you ask? Chloe Jane Decker was a surprisingly sensual dancer when she wanted to be. The second, however, was that he had nowhere to go to calm down when they were in his bloody home.

When Linda had suggested giving the detective and himself time as just a regular couple, he hadn't expected temptation to raise its head so early in their relationship. He was supposed to be able to romance her a bit before he finally couldn't take anymore; two and a quarter dates were certainly not supposed to slice at his self-control!

It took everything in him not to grab her by the hand and drag her up the stairs when she danced that way! Must take things slow, let things happen "organically", whatever that means, he reminded himself.

Not knowing what else to do, he shouted, "I need a drink!" before downing his previous one and stalking to the bar.

Maze sat there, eyes alight with giddiness. "Look's like you're getting laid tonight, Lucifer!" she teased ruthlessly, leaning closer from atop her barstool. "After three years, you're finally gonna get in Granny Panties Decker's granny panties!"

He barely kept himself from slamming his empty glass on to the bar top. "I'm supposed to be taking things slow, Mazikeen. Three dates is hardly slow!" Without ceremony, he stole the demon's drink to throw it all back while he waited for Patrick to pour another. "I need to do this right, Maze!"

"Well, Decker certainly looks like she thinks it's right," the demon growled, jerking her chin towards where the detective stood off to one side of the crowd on the dancefloor, twirling her hair as she bit the inside of her cheek. "She's into it, so why not just go for it?"

Lucifer was at a loss for words; this was sex with the detective, not some ménage a trios with random Brittanys on a Tuesday afternoon! This actually mattered! What happened between them needed to be perfect, so he didn't give her any reason to run away!

"She's coming this way, probably to rip off your pants," Maze noted with a dry grin as she slid from her barstool. "Guess it's time for me to leave." She winked over his shoulder at the approaching woman before disappearing within the crowd with a shouted, "I'll expect details later, my lord!"

He flinched as her hand touched him, hardly able to stifle a moan at the knowledge that it was her. "Detective!" he greeted, spinning quickly towards her with a wide smile. "Good you're here! I've forgotten what you were drinking tonight."

"Lucifer," she murmured, leaving her eyes on his chest as she fiddled with his lapel. When she finally looked up at him, he nearly let out a groan, nearly prayed to Dad to give him the strength. "Can we go upstairs? Where we can talk…privately?"

Whoever was to blame for this situation was going to die. "Of course, Detective!" he said brightly, putting his glass back on the bar. Ushering her towards the elevator, he tried to keep his voice from cracking as he added, "Lead the way."

The elevator was stiflingly hot and Chloe didn't say a single word, which left him just enough time to run a particularly steamy what-if situation through his head that included carrying her all the way to the bedroom….

Once the elevator brought them to the penthouse and slid closed behind them, she turned towards him, holding her coat over her folded arm as she brushed her hair behind her ear, watching him with her beautiful blue-grey eyes. "Are you…." She shifted slightly, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and catching his gaze. "Do you not want to…with me…."

"Of course not! I mean, yes," he rambled, "I would love nothing more than to finally…but we can't…I can't…."

She looked so crestfallen at that, fiddling with the high hem of her dress. Why did it have to fit her like a second skin? Why was she trying to kill him? "Oh. Okay, well, I…." She sniffled lightly, clearing her throat before her eyes glanced away. "I guess I'll just be going."

"Chloe, I—" he started as she moved past him, back towards the elevator, lightly grabbing her hand before she got too far out of reach. She didn't look at him, but maybe that was for the best. He didn't know if he could say it properly with her watching him. "It isn't the same as it was before," he murmured, glancing down at her tiny wrist encircled by his fingers. "I don't want to ruin what we have."

Her shoulders tensed, then sagged. "I just thought…we could build on that," she answered quietly, half-turning towards him though her eyes stayed down. "I understand that I'm not like the women you usually go after. I have a kid and it shows," she said with a sad laugh. "I just…I didn't think it would matter to you."

With that, she gradually took her hand from his, starting determinedly towards the elevator.

For three days, she didn't answer his texts or calls, leaving him to mope about LUX like a teenager after their first breakup, his mind frantic while his body was lethargic.

What had he done? Why wasn't he able to understand her as well as he had others? Why did it have to be so different?

-.-.-.-.-.-

"You really don't see why taking that step with Chloe is any different from your…relationships in the past?" Linda asked incredulously, a confused line forming between her brows. "You can't see one possible reason why this might be more difficult for you?"

"It's because she is immune to my power over desire," he insisted, pacing frantically in front of the couch, pointer finger waving in the air. "If she would just tell me what she wanted, like the others always did, I wouldn't have a problem fulfilling it! I would make it a personal mission to do so!"

Trying to remain professional while knowing she would be ignored, Linda asked slowly, "And you don't see how you could possibly get her to tell you without the use of your powers? Maybe by…speaking with her?"

As always, Linda saw that spark of realization in his eyes, and for a brief moment believed she had actually made him see the answer that she was waving in front of his face. She really thought that maybe she had broken through.

"You're right, Doctor!" he exclaimed, making her let out a sigh as that tiny bit of hope was dashed. "I need to try harder! Just because she's a miracle doesn't make her immune, just a harder nut to crack! She's not immune to Amenadiel's abilities; I simply haven't given it my full power!"

She didn't even bother trying to stop him as he strode to the door, winking at her as he closed the door behind him.

-.-.-.-.-.-

"What do you really desire, Detective?" Lucifer asked through gritted teeth, feeling the flush alighting his cheeks as he tried to keep his focus solely on Chloe.

She gave him an exasperated sigh, lightly slamming her hands on her desk as she stood. "I want you to stop whatever it is you're trying to do!" she growled. Even the glower on her face was quite becoming on her, at least to him; it was better than the platonic smiles she'd been giving him since the new case came in. "You know your…mojo doesn't work on me," she whispered heatedly, glancing around to make sure no one was eavesdropping. "And it's honestly really annoying. Besides, if you don't stop shaking, people are going to think you're having a seizure."

He immediately released the tension throughout his body, letting out a hard breath. "I just wanted to see if I could—"

"Could turn me into just another of your bedmates?" she demanded, tears glittering in her sharp gaze. "I'm not going to just fall at your feet because you crooked a finger my way. That's not who I am. And I thought…I thought you liked that about me."

Before he could say another word, she stormed past him, shoving her shoulder into his hard enough that he nearly fell off the edge of her desk. She didn't look back once before she disappeared out the door.

"Uh-oh. Looks like trouble in paradise," Ella said quietly as she made her way over to him, giving him one of the most pitying looks he'd ever seen. "I would go after her, if I were you. I mean," she added quickly as he twisted his head to shoot her a glare, "you don't want her stewing on whatever made her that pissed. Chlo is really good at shutting down, you know?"

It took a moment for him to think on that, but he realized she was right. Every time they hit a snag, she would furiously fortify her walls once again. Usually, he would go on as if everything were normal but….

They simply weren't anymore. Not after everything.

"Excuse me, Miss Lopez," he murmured thoughtfully. "I think I have a lady to catch."

-.-.-.-.-.-

Idiot, Chloe thought as she sat on the couch, picking at a throw pillow. He's Lucifer; you've seen the people he's been with. You know what he's attracted to and you aren't it.

A sudden, brief rage filled her at the thought, making her throw the pillow to the other side of the couch. Immediately, sadness followed, making her curl her legs up to her chest so she could wrap her arms around them through the blanket.

She'd thought, after everything they'd been through, that he had the same feelings for her that she had for him. Hadn't he said as much before he'd returned to Hell?

Besides, he'd been after her since day one, offering himself up like he was an all-you-can-eat buffet; that had to mean he thought she was at least a little bit sexy, right? And now that they were finally together, he was over it? Had it just been about the challenge?

What if it was just the thrill of the chase? Maybe that's why he was trying to use his mojo on me, she thought with a sniffle. Now that we're getting close, he's going to run away, like he always does. A soft hiccup escaped her as she tried desperately to hold onto the tears. "Maybe he doesn't care about me like I do him," she finally whispered out loud to no one in particular.

"I care very much, Chloe."

She spun on her cushion, feet hitting the floor with a dull thump. For a second, she just stared at him, trying to discern if she was embarrassed or angry or hurt or happy to see him there. It was an easy choice on which one she should focus.

"Seriously?" she hissed through clenched teeth, letting the blanket pool at her feet while she slowly stood. She managed to take a little pleasure in the fact that his hands rose up in the classic I'm-innocent-and-not-threatening pose. "You're going to break into my house—again—after insulting me like that? I get it, Lucifer, it isn't fun anymore; now that I've thrown myself at you—"

"When did you throw yourself at me?" he interrupted, confusion spreading instantly across his face as his hands started to dip. "Because I am positive I would remember that, and you've done nothing of the sort."

She had one fleeting moment of clarity—I'm going to shoot him again—before she blazed through the distance between them, shoving him hard in the chest with both hands. "'Nothing of the sort'?! What do you think all that at LUX was? Or how about when I practically invited you to stay the night"—Trixie had been home and he doesn't consider that me throwing caution to the wind?!—"and you barely kissed me goodnight!"

"Barely kissed you goodnight?!" he scoffed incredulously, staring down at her like she'd grown a horn in the middle of her forehead even as he bowed slightly backwards away from her. His hands fell to his side while he gaped down at her. "Do you know what you looked like just then, Detective?" he demanded harshly, eyes filling with indignant fire. "I could hardly keep my hands to myself!"

She blinked up at him, not quite registering the words. "You…what?"

"Since I got back," he said slowly, eyes roving her face for any signs of what she would do next, "I've been trying to figure out this whole…dating…thing. You humans have some kind of…ritual that I've never taken part in." As realization dawned and she began to deflate, Lucifer unhurriedly rose to his full height. "You especially deserve the proper courting. I'm trying to do it right because I have a feeling…."

She watched him struggle to find the words before finally pleading, "What?! Just tell me what's going on with you; I can't read your mind!"

There was a pregnant moment of shocked pause that passed between them, leaving her wondering what in the world he could possibly be realizing. This was their problem; she'd known and thought about it since she watched his body transform from monster back to man. He simply didn't know how to be loved.

"No. You can't," he muttered. "And, for the first time in my life, I'm not able to get inside…well, yours."

Okay, this was getting old. She'd really thought for a second that they were going to come an understanding, that they were going to talk so she could get some idea of what he was feeling about this change in them, their relationship. After four years of knowing each other, it was a huge shift, but the timing finally felt right—

"I don't know what you want, Chloe," he admitted, keeping his eyes steadily on hers. "Not unless I ask you and you decide to answer. I have not one single inkling as to what is going on behind those beautiful eyes of yours and I'm afraid that whatever you expect I'll be…bad at it."

"You…you think you're going to be…bad at…sex with me?" she sputtered in shock, unable to comprehend this sudden loss of arrogance from him.

He rolled his eyes, holding his hands out to gesture towards himself. "Obviously, I'm not worried about the act itself; I am me, after all," he said, tone rife with frustration. "With dating. I don't date; I'm the Devil! I provide an inclusive pleasurable experience and go on my way!"

Not helping his case, she thought as fresh anger bubbled up at the image of being another notch in his bedpost.

"But I can't do that this time," he finished, looking oddly proud of his weird declaration. "I can't simply walk away from you." He beamed down at her, a stunning smile on his face. "Because I love you. So, I don't want to be bad at it; I want to do it right. If Linda is to be believed, taking it slow is important, as well as letting things move forward organically, whatever that means." He brought one hand to stroke a loose strand of hair off her face. "I'm trying my damnedest not to ruin what we have again. If this time away has shown me anything, it's that I want you in my life. To do that, I have to make sure you want to remain in mine."

For a long moment, she stared at him in silence, letting all that sink in. How hard he was clearly working to do things "right", how much it had to have been bothering him to try to actually take his therapist's advice for once, how proud of him she found herself….

With a soft chuckle, she raised both her hands to his face, bringing his forehead to down to hers. Rubbing her thumbs along his cheeks, she murmured, "Thank you, Lucifer. But can I ask just one thing in return?"

Eyes sliding closed as though he were relishing the moment, he answered softly, "Anything, love."

"Could you maybe try to talk with me about what I want?" she asked, pulling away slightly to take in his face. As his eyelids lifted, her smile grew. "I'm not trying to say that Linda doesn't know what she's doing, just that it would be much easier on both of us to just talk."

Confusion crossed his face. After a moment of silence, he admitted, "That might have been what she was trying to tell me."

Bursting into laughter, Chloe pulled Lucifer down into a shocked kiss, his arms coming around her, not stopping even though their teeth clicked.

I might be doing a second chapter to this with them stumbling through. However, I'm going to leave this as complete for now.