Postcards from Palaven, a mass effect fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Note: For nearly five years I was like, "nope, not writing fanfic anymore, not me, gonna focus on original stuff". Then I had some hard years – of which the Mass Effect Trilogy (which I wish I played earlier, oh my godddd) was an important part of finding some happiness again. So then this happened, and I've only just come around to finishing it. Might come back to fanfics for a while, they were fun. This one is set between ME2 and ME3 – enjoy!

POSTCARDS FROM PALAVEN

Hello Commander.

Hopefully this doesn't get blocked, but well, with you under lockdown…

So I'm sitting here, screaming at the Hierarchy about the doomsday of our time, when it occurs to me that someone hasn't messaged me for a while. It's been a few weeks since Cerberus, and there's still nothing in my inbox from the best damn human in the galaxy. Among the spam about pills that let dextros have levo food ('a pill a day to drink lemonade' – okay) and reports on Apheus and Taetrus, not a breath nor a whisper from my favourite person.

Now, maybe that's the lockdown. Or maybe you don't have the energy to reach out.

Shepard, you know I'm bad at these things… but I have the energy to reach out.

Garrus,

Good to hear from you.

The Alliance has all eyes and ears on me. Everywhere. I'm also exhausted. So I suppose my silence is from both camps – but, I'm glad you had the energy to write. I won't lie, I'm damn grateful to get your message. Thank you.

Since this all started, I haven't really heard from anyone. Maybe they've tried and I just don't know it. Maybe the Alliance let you through to me, probably because you've been there since the beginning. I imagine Liara has more important things to do, and that Tali is busy with the Migrant Fleet.

I keep shouting at the Alliance and the rest about the Reapers, but they a lot of them didn't listen then, and they won't listen now. They've got a few guards watching me. Good kids, easy going, built like tanks as usual, but they try too hard to be friends. And to be honest, I'm done making new friends right now. They keep getting taken away, one way or another.

At least you're still here.

Also, don't 'Commander' me, thanks.

Hello Shepard.

Is that better?

I suppose 'Commander' was inappropriate, given we're no longer on the Normandy. I'll remember to drop the protocols and uh, be less turian. And you don't need to thank me for sending you an email – it's just an email. I thought it'd be easier to deal with than say, a holo call, or a voice chat. (Not that any of those would get through security, but a little email? Probably.)

When you were grounded, I was so mad. You spent all this time saving their hides, and the thanks you get is to park your ass onto the ground. Now if you were turian, I would assume your service record and your experience would've made people pay attention to what you had to say. To listen to the warnings you were trying to give. But, I imagine even for a turian, you'd be… just as rebellious, I guess.

Feron feeds me some info from Liara from time to time, useful stuff, but ultimately whenever I try to present it to the Hierarchy, the door's slammed in my face. So I'll just keep trying again tomorrow, and the day after. I know for a fact that Joker has tried to get through to you, but it keeps failing. Probably the Alliance thinking you two are cooking up a rebellion. He messages me about once a week, and told me to tell you 'hi'.

Hmm. Hopefully your new 'friends' doesn't annoy you too much. Your military might ignore you, but there are others who haven't and are trying their best to spread your warning, even if their own military ignores them. I wish we could've done more for Jack. But this is war, Shepard. We all know the cost.

For what it's worth, I'll always be here.

Keep reaching out to me.

Garrus,

I don't mind 'Commander' and it's not bad protocol – I just don't like it from you. You are my equal. You don't need to be anything else, or try and be anyone else. Thank you for always being here.

Please tell Joker 'hi' back; let him know that I appreciate he's tried to email me, and that I'll try and get an email through to him. Hopefully as time goes by, the Alliance will realise we're not Cerberus. I'm not Miranda, resurrecting people; or the Illusive Man, with his plots. I'm just me. Just an Alliance soldier who got lucky, and has the best team in the galaxy.

I could never be Cerberus. I hate them too much for the damage they've done to humanity. For taking Jack away, like the Geth Heretics took Ashley away. I didn't ask to be resurrected. I never asked to become a symbol of hope.

Hello Shepard.

Hmm. Well, I'll keep that in mind. The courtesy extends both ways.

I told him you appreciated his attempts at contact over a call and he got sort of flustered, I didn't know human cheeks could change colour like that. Is that a newly evolved thing? What's the point of it? Joker mentioned he might be allowed to fly again, soon – I would hope that means you could soon, too. You belong out there, with the stars in your eyes. You are free, not grounded; you are endless.

And yes, you are not Miranda, or the Illusive Man. You are you. You always have been, and always will be you. You took no shit, got through shit, and got shit done. You questioned every question, every answer, and every solution – so you could always make the best choice. That's why you are a symbol of hope, one of your many amazing qualities. And I think that you're the best person I've ever known.

You might not have asked to be resurrected, but this universe was poorer without you.

Keep reaching out to me. It's good for you.

Garrus,

Human cheeks could always go red like that, it's not new. It's called 'blushing' – its blood rushing to your cheeks when you're embarrassed, mostly. It's not controllable. Kind of a useless thing, to be honest.

I'd love to be back out there. You, me, Joker, the whole crew, Jack in the back causing shit, Ash on the deck… As stressed as I was, as we were, I'd give anything to be among the stars, and with those that are gone. I'd love to hear Ashley and Kaidan bickering about the mess hall food, or even deal with Jack and Miranda's stand offs. Thane's peaceful nature, and Liara's curiosity with the world.

There's so many things I never said, to those that are gone and those that remain. Never really thought much about how little I say I appreciate people, until they died. Until they moved forward with their lives – as they should.

So I'll say this: I appreciate you, Garrus. Very, very much.

Hello Shepard.

Blushing huh? I must've missed that part of the human classes. I thought it was that sunburn thing that Kaidan would sometimes get if he didn't use that protection cream. Uncontrollable and useless for the person blushing, perhaps, but useful and amusing to those watching. I'll be keeping a closer eye on this, Shepard.

We'll be back out there soon, I'm sure. I've been watching for Reaper movement, and it's not looking good. I don't think they can keep you tied down forever. You're too important to a lot of people. And you're too damn good at your job. You'll see the stars again, you'll see; and we'll go together with who remains, in memory of those who were lost.

Thank you. The feeling's mutual.

Garrus,

Sorry for not emailing back as quickly as I used to.

Security's tightened here. Even my groceries get inspected now. Makes me wonder how we're able to still send emails back and forth, after all this time. Did you pick up some more tech skills from Tali when I wasn't looking?

These guards are getting on my nerves. One keeps asking about Akuze, about the Omega Four Relay, wants to know "all of my adventures". They have good hearts, but they don't understand this particular kind of war, and they're too eager to see it. I've snapped at them now, told the inquisitive one to back off because I don't want to remember the awful times, only the good ones. I think he gets it now. If not, I might have to punch him.

Keeping a closer eye on what, me blushing? In your dreams, Vakarian. Nothing'll make that happen.

Thanks for still thinking of me.

Hello Shepard.

No need to apologise. I'll be here.

Ahem did you ever actually consider that maybe I taught Tali tech skills? Or that your silly Alliance military has, I don't know, gotten sloppy? (No you're right, she taught me a few extra tricks when you were busy helping Liara on Illium.)

Your guards sound like good people, but perhaps that one's too caught up in the idea of heroism. You're a big deal down there, Shepard, why wouldn't he ask questions? But, either way, if you need someone to hold him down while you punch, just let me know. (Kidding, of course. Unless it's actually necessary. Then I'm down.)

Sometimes we need to remember the awful times, so we can make the most of the good ones. Doesn't make it fun, just makes it humbling. It gives us something to hold onto. So the next time I'm kicking Reaper butt, just know this: I'll be remembering our emails.

Nothing'll make that happen? Challenge accepted.

I am always thinking of you.

Garrus,

I got a message from Hackett.

There's going to be a hearing soon. Do I have to find my own lawyer, or will Hackett choose one for me? Should I cut my hair? Will there be cameras allowed inside the hearing? Ugh. They're just working out the time and the logistics of it. On their side, anyhow – it's not like I can go anywhere. I'm still grounded. I'm still caged.

They told me this could take a few more weeks, if not months. I can't wait months. How can they say that when the threat is looming so close? Like a cold whisper on the back of your neck. Like the ghost of a fingerprint against your pulse. I can't stand waiting anymore!

I want to help. People out there are dying, and I can't do anything. They don't listen.

I want to fight. I'm stable, capable and able. Willing. And I'm not allowed to.

I want to protect those that remain. We are losing time. And I am forbidden.

The Reapers are inching closer and closer, hovering at our doorstep as the walls close in around us. We are losing time. For every minute they debate if I'm Cerberus, that's another minute they lose to preparing Earth's defences. The Alliance still deems them a shadow – but we know the truth.

We know what's almost here. We know what's to come.

I know loss is inevitable, but I refuse.

Not one more of my crew. Not one more of my friends.

I feel hopeless.

Hello Shepard.

I understand wanting to help. You see what's around you, you know more, and you wanna prevent the tragedies we both know are coming. But sometimes Shepard, you can't help those that don't want it, or are not yet ready. I know you know that, and I know that's not easy. But you keep trying anyway, just like I keep yelling at the Hierarchy.

I understand the need to fight. You're in a position of power and understanding, you can make a difference (whether you believe that or not). Instead of utilising your willingness and your strengths, you're told to sit down, shut up, and get over it. The effort and years spent a mere footnote in your record. And it's insulting, but you keep fighting anyway, we have to.

I understand the desire to protect. You've always tried to look out for the little guy where you can, and now your capacity to assist and protect the little guy has been reduced at this stage. And it's not fair. And it sucks. And it is terrible. But right now, until things change, it is what it is – we make do with what we can do.

And lastly, I understand hopelessness – the absence of you filled me with it.

Keep reaching out to me. I'm here.

Garrus,

Its 03:00 and I just need to write this down.

I'm still getting nightmares. Did I ever tell you about those?

I don't mean the stuff on my file, the reports, the beginnings of the whispers of my supposed legend. I mean what I remember. How I felt then, and how I feel now.

Mindoir, have I told you about it? I can still hear those batarians as my parents and friends died. I tried to cry then, but couldn't. I can't imagine myself being their slave. Talitha's eyes still stare at me – even though she lived, a part of her still died. The part of her that understood those memories of Mindoir. I feel alone, now, shouldering Mindoir's murders.

Have I spoken to you about Akuze? The dossier said I was unbendable, like steel. But I don't feel that way – I didn't then, and I don't now. It feels fake. I was stubborn, not unbreakable. Those batarians didn't take me at my weakest – I sure as hell wasn't going to let a thresher maw take me at my strongest. But their faces, Garrus, they watch me at night when I'm trying to drift off to sleep, like they are angry that I will wake up again, when they will not.

How many times have we discussed Ashley? I still miss her. I could always rely on her to get the job done. Her faith wasn't my cup of tea – God never saved me, I saved me, I always saved me. But her belief in her faith, so resolute in the face of terror and death, was so admirable and commendable. She taught me to stick to what you believe in. Maybe that's why I fought so hard – to honour that kind of belief.

Have I mentioned my memories of waking up again after death? I felt… out of place. Like I fell into a pocket of a parallel universe. At night when I wake, my skin feels wrong. Feels fake, like those old CPR dolls – I don't even know if you had those on Palaven. I feel like if I stretch too far or smile too wide, that I'll split open and have nothing organic within me anymore… that I'm just really all machinery on the inside. That I am a lie.

I know I've spoken to you about Jack. We clicked. She took no shit, I take no shit, survivors stick together. She still screams in my ear as she falls. You've said the same. I guess I'm glad I'm not alone in that. I'll always have you at my six. You'll always be there by my side. You don't know what that means to me. But I sometimes wonder, haven't I done enough to deserve a moment's rest?

Garrus… You are the only thing that has ever truly been right in my galaxy.

Hello Shepard.

I hope you're feeling better. I appreciate you sharing all that with me, pulling up those kinds of memories would hurt. You've been through a lot, but you won't have to feel any of that alone ever again, because I will be here. We all know I'm hard to get rid of.

I'm sorry we're both still haunted by the world's acts. Spirits only know that I still see my crew by my side on Omega. There's no letting go of some things – we just have to find new things to move forward with. You made me realise that, Shepard.

I have to ask, what does 'cup of tea' mean for humans?

You are not a lie. You are you, and that's all you need to be. Your body might've been reconstructed, but your feelings, your soul couldn't have been. That's all you. And that's always gonna be you. And your 'stick to what you believe in' comment? Well, why do you think I've been around for so long? I believe in you. Tali does too, and Joker (he still can't get messages through to you). A lot of people believe in you, they do.

Hmmm. Maybe this picture will help a little. And if you share it, Shepard, I'm not going to speak to you for a month. (Or maybe a fortnight. Or a week. We both know I can't hold a grudge against you.)

Attachment: IMG _ 1332 . jpg

Description: Turian male displaying scarred face, making a human peace hand-sign.

Garrus!

Your scars are looking a lot better! Mine are too! Look!

Do turians not have tea? Tea is a drink that we humans like. It's not coffee, that's different. It's made from leaves and stuff, has a lot of health benefits for most levos. And it's tasty, comes in different flavours. I'm not sure if dextros can have it.

So, 'cup of tea' is used to describe something you like. Some examples might help: Prothean ruins are Liara's cup of tea. So therefore, something NOT being your 'cup of tea' obviously means you don't like it. Such as: humidity is not a drell's cup of tea. So in context, Ashley's faith in God wasn't my cup of tea, and still isn't – but I still feel that her unrelenting belief in faith was admirable.

Jesus, sorry for rambling.

Anyway, your picture cheered me up. Lookin' sharp! Thanks, Garrus. Thank you most of all for always supporting me.

Attachment: IMG _ 0024 . jpg

Description: Smiling human female pointing to her own cheeks, holding a cup of tea.

Hello Shepard.

Always lovely to see your familiar face.

And always interesting to watch you rattle on about humanisms. It only adds to your (endless) charm. You don't need to apologise. I like listening to you.

I did some research on this 'tea' – it was an interesting break from being neck-deep in Reaper research. If it's just mostly leaves, then I think dextros should be okay to try it. Unless of course there's a horrible allergic reaction. Or not properly sterilised for quarians.

Speaking of the Reapers, I've been screaming at the Hierarchy for Spirits know how long, and I've finally made some progress. As you understand, I can't disclose anything at all –but I just wanted you to know the fight continues, and progress is being made. We'll find a way, we always do.

But what worries me is if we are underprepared. What if Palaven doesn't have the firepower to repel them? Or to help others? It makes me sick to think of how easily Saren ruined the Citadel, and what Harbringer is like (could be like?)… That was just one ship. What about an entire fleet?

Are we even ready, Shepard?

Anyway, enough doom and gloom. Here's another picture. I know you like history.

Attachment:IMG _ 1333 . jpg

Description: Amused turian gesturing to a war memorial statue, which portrays a saluting turian soldier in memory of those lost in the Relay 314 Incident.

Garrus,

I'd send you some tea to try, if I could. Alliance would probably think I was up to something unsavoury if I tried shipping items out to you (hey, Alliance, seeing as you're monitoring me so closely, have you worked out I'm not Cerberus yet? Hahaha). Next time I see you we'll get you to try tea, for sure!

I'd like to imagine that we as a universe have done a little more preparing than that, but I hear what you're saying. If they listened to me from the beginning, to us, then we would be in a better position no matter what. This is not on us – it's on them. Still, I'm glad the fight is continuing, Garrus – I just wish I was a part of it. I wish I could do more than just research Reapers on my side, too.

History always repeats. I wonder if we will ever learn.

I do think the Alliance is getting mad at these chats. I've tried a few times to reply to this already and don't know if they got through. Let me know if this does – though, maybe it's best if you left me alone? Not that I don't want the company, but I don't want to jeopardise what you've built because of stupid human protocols.

Nice picture again, by the way. Palaven must be full of statues, given all your metal. Love the goodies you send in these emails, haha. It always warms me to see you.

Hello Shepard.

Just a quick one, we've made some developments. Military's really starting to listen now.

I just wanted to say – me? Leaving the best person in the galaxy alone?

Shepard, what kind of friend would I be if I listened to that?

I'll be here if you need me. And keep an eye on your inbox for more 'goodies'.

[no text]

Attachment: VID _ 0001 . mov

Description: Turian male facing and speaking to the recorder. Hands move on occasion. The visuals eventually pan quickly to a bustling turian cityscape.

Audio: Hello Shepard. Wasn't sure what to write next – spent years of my life talking about everything and nothing with you on the Normandy. And well, then this happened, on a whim. So seeing as you can't go outside, I thought I could bring some outside to you.

Attachment:VID _ 0002 . mov

Description: Continued pan across turian cityscape.

Audio: So this is Palaven – heart of turian civilisation, military might of the universe, menace to many. Lots of history here, and as you said, plenty of metal statues. Temperature's a nice thirty-three degrees Celsius today – you guys use Celsius, right? It's similar to Virmire. Anyway, as you can see there's uh, a whole lot of… stuff… going on here.

Attachment:VID _ 0003 . mov

Description: Civilians pass by; more civilians entering and leaving shops. The visuals eventually pan back to the same turian male, facing and speaking to the recorder.

Audio: No top secret military stuff here, I was just passing through this part of Cipritine. This place is crawling on the weekends, especially if there's a parade – we love parades, what with all that saluting, and… well, more saluting. Anyway, if, uh, things go well, then I'd like to bring you here one day. When the war ends.

Garrus,

Those vids are the best thing I've seen in weeks. Thank you so much for taking the time!

The trial is booked – I can't give an exact date, but it's in the next two weeks. I've been so stressed trying to keep everything together here. Hackett and Anderson have been saints through this whole process – but your vids were amazing at taking my mind off everything.

I don't remember the last time I had a vacation – before you get smart with me, this doesn't count. I've never been to Palaven – but going with you sounds great. Safely, of course.

We're getting some early sightings of what looks like Reaper activity. Not sure if they're false positives. If you can give me any information, anything at all, I'd love to know. I feel like I'm going to tear my skin off, waiting for the inevitable. I can only read so much documentation on the Reapers, and do so many push-ups, before my brain turns to the what if's and the maybe's.

It's only a matter of time, and I hate that.

I'd give anything to watch the stars streak across the Normandy.

Hello Shepard.

Glad to hear you enjoyed the vids. I've attached another one. Hopefully it'll get through.

Two weeks until the trial, hmm? Try not to think of that way. How about instead you think of it as 'two more weeks until I can go off world' instead? After all these months, after all the good you've done for humanity, they'll see the light. They'll realise how dumb they are for thinking you're still with Cerberus.

For intel, the only thing I can give you is that Khar'shan's gone dark. Not sure if your Alliance has noticed. A small stream of batarian refugees have been arriving at the Citadel. They look worse for wear. Maybe this is a taste of what's to come. Stay safe, Shepard.

And soon you'll see the stars from the Normandy again – I'm sure Joker would be with you again, maybe Kaidan as well. I wouldn't be surprised if EDI was powered down. Let's hope she's safe too. Let's hope they all are.

Attachment: VID _ 0004 . mov

Description: Night time starscape, featuring a natural satellite above Cipritine, Palaven.

Audio: That up there is Nanus, the smaller sister moon to Menae, which isn't in shot. I'm sure you've heard of Menae in your military files – from a civilian perspective, there's always been a mystery enshrouding it, so it pops up in a lot of turian art culture. Makes me feel a bit sorry for Nanus, almost always forgotten.

Attachment: VID _ 0005 . mov

Description: Footage pans down, revealing distant Cipritine cityscape at night.

Audio: Anyway, not sure why the Alliance is letting these through. Just want you to know you've still got friends on the outside. Worlds to see. People to be with. I'll be at your six.

Garrus,

Cipritine looks amazing at night! Thank you for the vids.

One more week now. I've polished my armour. My guards look a bit gloomy. I saw Anderson today – he looks like he's been stretched a bit too thin. He still believes in me.

He told me today about Khar'shan, and that there's more batarians on the Citadel than they used to be. He told me that your army is fortifying Menae. Preparing.

When I look out the back porch, there's more black space in between each star. They don't glitter like they used to, not anymore. Not like from the Normandy with you and the gang. Not like from the fictional and historical stories humans were told as kids. It's daunting. Frightening to feel the end of days approach.

If this is a taste of what's to come, then I don't want it.

You should know one thing, Garrus – I've always enjoyed my postcards from Palaven.

Stay safe among the stars.

Hello Shepard.

One more week until you fly again. I look forward to it for you.

Give my best to Anderson. Good man in a tough spot. I hope he gets some respite soon – but we both know he won't. There is still no word from Khar'shan, but there are reports of undesirable Reaper movement in that area for sure. They're coming.

We're still fortifying Menae. I will be sent there soon myself, something about needing an expert. Maybe I can send you a postcard from Palaven's moon, for your collection.

Stay safe on the ground.

Shepard. I saw the news about Earth. Tell me you're alright?

Shepard. Are you okay? Can you send me a quick reply please? Don't leave me hanging.

Shepard. Did you survive? Please write back. Something. Anything. Please.

[no text]

Attachment: AUD _ 0001 . mp3

Audio: Shepard, it's Garrus. Can you please tell me that you're alright? Just something, anything but this silence. I need to know that you're alright. I need to know that you're safe, given what has happened on Earth. Please write back. Thank you.

[no text]

Attachment: AUD _ 0002 . mp3

Audio: Shepard. Please. I can't do this again. I'm not strong enough for this again.

[BOUNCED. Returned to sender]

[no text]

Attachment: AUD _ 0003 . mp3

Audio: Jane… Please.