AN: It's been a long time. A very long time. If you've read any of my stuff before, thank you for returning. If you're unfamiliar with my writing, I appreciate you stopping by. Life is incredibly crazy at the moment and I was inspired, so I've come out of "retirement."

As for this story, it's just three parts, all of which will be published together. It's not very long, about 12,000 words total, but it's something that's been in my head since re-watching Grey's a year or so ago. I wanted to imagine the conversations Meredith and Derek would have to have if he'd told her about Renee kissing him. It also focuses on the two of them navigating how to rebuild love and trust after Derek left for Washington, DC. Derek doesn't die in this story.

I'm a little rusty, so please be kind.

MEREDITH

"I kissed someone else."

He told me this with his voice heavy with regret, but I've been through this with him before.

"Rose is a circulating nurse. I kissed her once. I'm sure you know that. That's why you're asking."

He'd been caught, but he wasn't apologetic that first time. We were seeing other people, he said, as if I wasn't completely wrapped up in him. He'd wrapped me up tightly the night we met and since then he was all I could think about. I could've dated hundreds of men and still he'd be the one who could make me forget, so even if we were seeing other people, those people were like place holders for when I was ready for him and he was ready for me.

Rose. Renee. Addison. Meredith.

Derek's angels.

He's sorry now. I know he's sorry. "It was one kiss and I stopped it immediately."

But even in his sorry-ness, he hasn't apologized, and he still has this air about him. He thinks I'm going to forgive him. He expects it. He's apologized for leaving and going to Washington, DC. He's apologized for not calling the kids to say goodnight every night like he promised. He apologized for what he put me through. But he hasn't apologized for the kiss. He expects that I've already forgiven him because he's said all the things I've wanted him to say for months.

"I thought DC was everything and I was wrong. You. You…you're everything. I love you and I'm not going to stop loving you. Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. And I'm going to do everything in my power to prove it."

He's good with words. He has been from day one. He knows exactly what to say to inspire me and make me swoon. He declares things—his love for me, his vision of the future. He wakes something in me so I teeter on my feet and lean into him, just so I can hear him better.

But it's bullshit. The declarations and the inspiration and the looks—his look—is how he wins me over time and time again. I'm not a swoony 20-something who was abandoned by her father and looking for love in all the wrong places anymore. I'm not naïve. I've survived worse than the love of Derek Shepherd and I'll continue to survive everything I'm handed. I'm not someone who can fall with a look any longer. I'm stronger than that.

He wants me to just forgive him, declare myself, and fall into bed with him.

But what about… Everything. Too many things. He's done this and this ended with a kiss.

"Renee," I repeat, tasting the name on the tongue. It's a fine name. Perfectly fine. It was probably popular in the 70s. It sounds exotic without actually being exotic. Dark haired girls were probably named Renee so that they could seem more striking. Renee is an uppity name, like Meredith. Girls from the wrong side of the tracks aren't named Renee. Merediths would never steal lipstick from drug stores. Maybe I could've been friends with a girl named Renee when I was younger. "I'm going to ride my bike downtown with Renee," I'd tell my mother, who wouldn't be listening anyway.

Derek shifts from one foot to the other. He didn't expect me to get hung up on one little kiss. We've been together for a decade, so maybe a kiss is excusable. He'd been with Addison for 11 years. If she and Mark had just kissed, would all be forgiven?

I know my husband well; in his eyes, a single kiss is enough to burn any bridge to reach him.

"I came home immediately after."

It wasn't immediate. It was a full day. I called, she answered, and then nothing. Not even a text. My husband was kissing probably dark-haired Renee and I was imagining all the ways he'd made her swoon. After all, that's how our story started.

I love Derek. I've never loved anyone the way I love him. He makes me laugh and makes me think and nurtures all those little quirks inside me that used to make me feel weak or broken. He's been patient and understanding while I worked through my trauma. We've taken care of each other numerous times after our shared trauma. He has said all the right things, but not for any other reason than to show how he loved me. We've had kids together and built a life. He makes me feel seen and heard and understood and I never thought I'd have that.

But…

I can't trust him. Maybe I never have.

"Are you staying for good?" I ask.

"Yes." He doesn't think. No pause. No malice. He wants to stay.

But… the kiss.

"If you'll have me," he adds and unknowingly, he opens the theoretical door for me.

"No."

He expected forgiveness and I've pulled the rug out from under him. "No?" he asks.

The house is quiet. The kids are sleeping. They don't even know their dad is home. If they see him, he'll stay. He'll convince me. I'll just sleep on the couch, he'd say, but we've done that before. The last time he slept on the couch, which was just a couple of months ago, I'd ended up lying next to him. We'd made love on that couch in the darkness, his hands finding me and his mouth silencing me. It'd felt good to have him again. I felt desirable. But I'd shown weakness. I've often been weak in his presence.

I can't have another night of longing. Despite everything, I always want him. Our relationship started with sex and although we've become something other than sexual beings drawn to each other, that's still the cornerstone of our relationship and the easiest space to fall back into.

"You can't stay here."

"Meredith…" he says with a sigh that says much more than any words ever could.

"You kissed another woman."

"She kissed me."

I feel like Addison. Am I Addison now? The older, tired wife who was neglected by her husband. Except I didn't cheat on him. He cheated on me. Yes, it's just a kiss, but I know my husband. He's thoughtful and calculating and he sees things in black and white. A kiss is cheating and if I'd done that, I'd already be halfway to Seattle by now. But I'm expected to forgive him because he was kissed. The kissing just happened to him.

I am Addison. Lonely and neglected while my husband finds someone younger and hotter.

Except for the whole "she slept with his best friend" part.

"It's late and you can't be here. I'm asking you to go."

"I came all this way."

"If you hadn't left, you wouldn't have to travel so far to see us."

Us. The kids and me. Maybe he expects they'll be too young to remember the six months he was away, but I'm certainly not. And Zola sees much more than she lets on.

Derek scrubs his hand over his face. He's tired and nothing to stacking up like he expected. "I just want to sleep. Please, Meredith. I'll sleep on the couch."

I'm still that broken woman. Not in the way that my cracks are growing deeper and I'm spiraling, but in that she'll never disappear. She's part of me and yes, Derek has helped and my career has helped and my friends have helped mend me, but I still have little breaks in my foundation. Derek finds that broken woman inside me and she's the one that wants to say yes. She's the one who wants to invite him to stay. But I've spent time working on that broken woman and no, she won't win.

But I also feel unreasonable kicking my tired husband from the house he built us. Next thing you know he'll get hit by a truck or something heading back to Seattle.

If only Owen Hunt wasn't sleeping in the trailer.

I sigh and look at the time on the stove. It's almost midnight.

"I'll leave then."

"What? Why?"

"Because I can't be here with you. Not right now. So, you stay. Get sleep. Be there for the kids in the morning. They miss you. I'll go stay at Cristina's place. I still have a key and no one's there."

"Meredith…"

I shrug. "You kissed someone else, Derek. I can't be here."

"So, what does that mean? Are you saying you can't be with me because I made one mistake?" His voice is rising, and I know he's preparing for a fight. I can't fight right now.

"I'm saying it's late and we're not doing this right now. You sleep. I'll go."

"Don't go," he says.

I want to stay. I do. But it's late and—"I know you don't want to do this now," he says, "but we have to talk about this. We have to figure this out."

"What if there is no figuring it out? Derek, something is broken in our relationship. We've been through much, much worse than a long-distance relationship and yet that's what's broken us. There were cracks and I think there have been for years. I think it goes all the way back to the beginning and one night isn't going to fix that."

"So you want a divorce?"

"No," I say immediately. "It's not black and white. Which is why we should sleep on it. Talk about it tomorrow. I have the day off."

He isn't hearing me. "What do you mean it goes back to the beginning? Is this about the Addison thing again? I've apologized for all that. I thought we'd moved past that."

I know the longer I stand here, the deeper we slide into the quicksand. Just the mention of what he put me through when Addison showed up sets me further on edge and I don't want to say anything I might regret. "I'm going," I tell him again, deciding I don't have time for clothes or anything else. "I'll be back in the morning. Can you make sure Zola has her book report? She wanted to sleep with it under her pillow to give it good vibes," I say with a slight smirk. I grab my purse from the front table. "And Bailey needs his gym shorts for play group tomorrow. I packed them, but he's been pulling things from his backpack lately, so just double-check."

"Meredith…" he says softly and reaches for me.

"It's not just about Addison and it's not just about the kiss, okay? We'll talk tomorrow."

With that, I open the front door and close it behind me. I pause for just a second before heading to my car. I expect Derek to watch from the window, but instead I watch the living room light turn out and light floods the side yard near our bedroom. I look to Derek's trailer, which is dark. I make a call to Owen as I walk across our driveway. If I can keep from having to drive all the way into the city, that's what I plan on doing. Owen assures me he's stuck at the hospital all night and I should feel free to stay. He doesn't ask what's wrong, which I appreciate.

Inside the trailer looks different, but Owen's been living here for a while. He's not the neatest person, but at least I can find where I'm going without tripping over anything. There are a lot of beer bottles around, but I don't judge; the wine bottles stack up when Derek's away.

I turn on the lamp next to the bed and look down at the rumpled sheets. The space is littered with signs of Owen, but all I can think about is Derek. I touch the comforter, which looks similar to the one we once had, and the memory comes in a flash.

Derek's mouth is on my left breast and he looks up at me. I gasp again and roll my head back despite wanting to watch him lavish me. He moans against my nipple and it shoots a tightness through my body. I squirm beneath him, wanton and unashamed. Derek's right hand trails across my stomach and between my legs. I'm slick already and one finger slides inside me. He's taunting me and I never want him to stop. I like the way he fawns over me and the way he finds just the right spot to give me the most pleasure.

It was our first time together in the trailer. It was just days before Addison showed up. He'd given me a few inches and I remember holding out my hand to him. I wanted him to show me his little world, but we didn't make it much further than the front door when I kissed him and he started taking off my clothes. We were so driven by sex back then, but even so, that moment meant more to both of us. I fell in love with him that night and I've never stopped loving him.

There's a knock on the trailer door and I jump. Instantly, I think it's Owen, which means either I must go back into the house or drive all the way to Cristina's, but it's Derek standing on the other side. He looks surprised to see me, too.

"I thought Owen was staying here."

"He is, but he's at the hospital tonight and said I could stay. I didn't want to go all the way to Cristina's." Derek gives me a look. "What?"

"Are you and Owen…?"

It feels like he slapped me. "Are you kidding me?"

"Well, it's just that you're here and I expected him…"

"So naturally you think I'm having an affair with Owen Hunt? You are unbelievable. You come back here and tell me you kissed a woman and now you're trying to turn it around on me." I look to the heavens. "No Derek," I say and look his square in the eye. "I am not having an affair with Owen. I'm not having an affair with anyone. I wouldn't do that to you."

"And I would?"

I take a deep breath. "You should go. I'm frustrated with you and I know you're frustrated with me. We're not going to figure anything out like this."

"You're right," he finally agrees. "I'm sorry. I was going to have a drink with Owen and get my head clear, but I'll just do that back home. You didn't throw out my scotch, did you?"

I smile and shake my head. "No. Your scotch is safe and sound."

He gives me a little nod and heads back to the house. Every bit of me wants to call him back, even for a drink, but I can't. We both need time to think. We've been given a fork in the road and I know which way I want to go—I should go for my kids—but I also need to say my peace. I can't go into the next chapter of life with Derek being silent about grievances from the past.

DEREK

Meredith was right; the kids are happy to see me. Bailey finds me first when the sky is just starting to lighten. "Mommy?" he asks into the darkness when he doesn't find her on her side of the bed. But then his little hands find me. "Daddy!" he yells and hugs my shoulders from behind. I laugh into my pillow and turn to him. "Daddy!" he says again as he burrows into my chest. I kiss the top of his blond head.

"I missed you, buddy," I tell him.

Almost instantly, Bailey is asleep on my chest. I run my fingers through his soft hair—the same texture as Meredith's. I love how much he reminds me of her. Meredith always expected our kids would look like me, but Bailey is all Meredith. He even makes the same grumpy face as hers. Although, that grumpy face isn't as charming when we're on the brink of a fight.

She was so mad at me last night. Mad beyond anything I've seen before. Usually when she's mad, she's yelling. But last night, she was just so quiet. I could tell she was mad by the way she watched me with disdain. I wanted to figure it all out last night, apologize, and take her into my arms, but it wasn't going to go that way. I understand that I've put her through a lot in the last six months, but I'm here now.

The door squeaks open and I lift my head to see Zola. "Daddy?" she asks and breaks into a smile.

"Hi Zozo." She runs to the bed and climbs up, snuggling up to my other side.

"I missed you!" she says and kisses my cheek.

I run my hand along her cheek and grin at her. "I missed you, too. But I'm back for good. I'm not going anywhere." A pit forms in my stomach because I'm not sure that's true. I'm not going back to DC, but I'm not sure I'm welcome here, either.

Zola lays the length of my other side. I take a deep breath and commit this moment to memory.

When my alarm finally goes off, it's back to the typical chaos of the Grey-Shepherd household. Zola nearly forgets her book report and Bailey has swapped out his shorts for a pair of Zola's sparkly pink leggings. If they fit him, I'd let him take them to his play group, but the fit is all wrong. I lay out bowls and spoons for cereal, but the cereal choices are apparently all wrong. At one point I look outside towards the trailer, but there are no signs of life. I wonder if Meredith is still asleep or is she giving herself the morning off? I don't fault her for either.

I make the kids oatmeal, which is seemingly better than cereal, but still not great. As I stir the oats on the stove, I remember accusing Meredith of sleeping with Owen. It feels bad to remember the look on her face. You are unbelievable, she said and she was right.

"Daddy!" Bailey yells and then I hear a bowl crash onto the floor.

The bowl smashes into dozens of pieces. "What happened?"

"Bailey threw the bowl," Zola accused.

"Did not!"

"Did!"

"Did not!"

I sigh and grab a dishtowel. "Both of you stay seated while I clean this up."

"Where's mommy?" Zola asks.

I dump the large chunks of ceramic into the recycling bin. "She stayed in the trailer," I tell the kids. I think about lying and saying she's at the hospital, but I've never been good at lying to my own children. "She'll be here soon," I tell them, not sure if that part is a lie.

"Why is mommy in Uncle Owen's trailer?"

I grab the broom to give myself a moment before answering. But I'm saved when the front door opens. I expect to see Meredith, but Amelia stands there looking surprised. She has a bakery box in one hand and a coffee tray with two coffees in the other. She looks at me, looks around the room, and back to me.

"Does Meredith know you're here?" she asks.

I rest my palms on the countertop and sigh. "Yes Amelia, my wife knows I'm here."

"Sorry," she says with a shrug and kicks the door shut behind her. "Meredith tells me things and she didn't say you'd be back. I would've brought more coffee and muffins."

"Muffins?" Bailey asks hopefully.

Amelia smiles at him. "There's a banana one in there with your name on it." She sets the box down and the kids tear through it. Bailey finds his banana and Zola takes what looks like blueberry. Or maybe chocolate chip. But I pray it's not the latter. "Where is she? You didn't chop her up, did you?"

"Ha ha," I say humorlessly. "She's in the trailer. And no," I say as her eyes go wide, "Owen's not there. He's at the hospital."

"I know Owen's at the hospital. He got stuck there last night."

"Oh. Well, you just gave me a face."

"I gave you a face because that trailer is a hazard zone. Bottles everywhere and the sheets probably a month old. I don't stay there, that's for sure. Lucky for Meredith because if I did stay there, those sheets would be—"

"Alright," I cut her off.

Amelia smirks at me. "I can always get to you." She takes a sip of coffee and offers me the other takeaway cup she bought. "So, what are you doing back anyway? Just a weekday visit?"

"I'm back," I tell her and take a sip. Meredith likes her coffee with a little bit of milk whereas I take mine black. I make a face at the sweetness. "What is in here?" I ask.

"Almond milk," Amelia says casually. "What do you mean you're back? Don't you have a duty to the President or whatever? Or at the very least, a contract?"

I set the coffee down and push it away. I turn towards her and lean back against the kitchen island. The kids are happily stuffing their faces, blissfully unaware of the tension in the room. "I do, but I told them I couldn't be away from my family any longer. The President agreed to move everything here. The lab, the team—for the most part." I think of Renee briefly. She was not invited. "It's a temporary project, so there's no need for me to stay there any longer."

"And how does your wife feel about this?"

I look towards the windows that overlook the yard. "I'm not sure. We didn't get that far last night."

MEREDITH

I'm stalling. This trailer smells like beer and stale peanuts—like a shitty college bar—but it's better than the alternative. I watched Amelia arrive and even the thought of a good coffee and a dense muffin can't move me from my spot.

I barely slept last night. First, because I'd forgotten how uncomfortable the trailer mattress is, and second because I was imagining Derek kissing Renee.

Renee.

In our relationship, I am not the jealous one; Derek has always held that title. When April Kepner was drooling over Derek the second year of our residency, I never was jealous. I was a little territorial and mostly, just uncomfortable with the whole thing. Derek, of course, was unaware. But I've never yelled at him for who he talks to, or has slept with, or anything like that. But the idea of him kissing some grad student, probably, while I'm half a world away has turned me into the green-eyed monster.

I also couldn't sleep last night because I wanted him. Really wanted him. It's been months and he knows exactly what I like. I remember him telling me one time he'd never been a fan of new. I like to know the person. Their bodies. What makes them moan. Despite my anger, I wanted him to make me moan.

I sigh and step back from the window as Amelia leaves the house with the kids. She looks towards the trailer and so does Derek. He looks for longer. He's holding a coffee mug in his hand and waves after the car as they depart. He looks good in his favorite black pajama pants and a dark green t-shirt. It's his college shirt; one of my favorites. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in.

I'd wanted to kiss him so badly that night after the bomb nearly exploded me. I wanted to take comfort in him. But he was married and he was trying and I was so lonely. So broken. And even though he'd broken me, I wanted him to put me back together. But I couldn't. We couldn't because he didn't want to be the kind of guy to cheat on his wife.

We've spent a lot of time not kissing when we should've been kissing. For almost a year we suppressed our feelings. When it was Addison and Finn. I remember being so wrapped up in him then. I'm still wrapped up in him, but I now know the difference between what I want and need. I want him, but do I need him?

With a sigh, I step out onto the rough wooden front porch. Derek stares across the yard and raises his hand to cover his eyes from the sun. He sneezes in the sun when it's too bright. Right on cue, he sneezes twice. I hide my smile when he looks back my way. He cocks his head to the side, as if to ask where we go now. I could ask the same. For the moment, I'm trying to gather the strength to cross the distance between us for a coffee.

Derek takes a step back and for a second my stomach drops. I'm not sure what it means when he ducks back into the house until I notice he leaves the door open. An invitation, which is pretty rich considering I should be the one inviting him. But I take a deep breath and remind myself not to be petty.