Inspired by the prompt for Day 2 of Tifa Week 2020: "Cause it's some kind of sin to live your whole life on a might've been. I'm ready now." – caution by the killers.
This is an AU where Nibelheim's reactor exploded and killed everyone when Tifa was sixteen. Tifa was out training with Zangan so she escaped the blast. Also, Sephiroth didn't go crazy and Shinra got taken over by Reeve so it's not nearly as bad as it was in canon. I just wanted super self-indulgent fluff because these two deserve good things. And by fluff I mean slice of life affection with a side dish of angst and a happy ending.
Longing, She Wrote
Spring
Dear Soldier,
I hope the weather is good where you are and that you're not working too hard. I hope you're finding little joys where you can and getting along with your troupe. If you need a friend to talk to or just want to pass the time, feel free to write to me.
Forgive me if this letter isn't the best. My friend Aerith convinced me to sign up for this penpal system. She says I'm lonely and need someone to talk to. I've sent three letters already to different soldiers but none of them have replied. I don't want to think about what that means. I'm going to hope that they just thought my letters were boring. Aerith's had more luck, she's already exchanged twelve letters with a SOLDIER named Zack. I think she's smitten.
She's convinced that since she met the one good SOLDIER working for Shinra that there must be another good person for me to write to. I want to believe that, so I'll keep trying. Shinra must have changed for the better since Mako Day, right?
Me? I guess I don't write very many letters because I don't have anyone to write to anymore. My mom died when I was little and my dad… well, he's dead too. Everyone I know is a call away in Midgar and the only boy who I ever wrote to… I'm sure he's dead as well.
Sorry, not the best opening to convince you to write to me. I kind of stopped with the small talk letters a while ago. It gets dull writing the same introductions to people who haven't written back.
Let's hear about you. What's your name? What countries have you seen? Did you always want to be in the military? I knew a boy who wanted to join SOLDIER, who wanted to be like the great Sephiroth. He promised me that he'd come back and save me whenever I'm in a bind. I asked him to. Now I feel like I should have asked him to stay. But if I did, he would have died too, I'm sure…
Do you have anyone like that? Someone who's waiting for you at home? Are they kind? Are they beautiful? Where is home for you? Not just a location, but what does home feel like for you?
I don't have anyone like that. Or I suppose… I'm waiting for someone like that. As for my home… I'm still figuring that out.
Well, rereading this letter make me want to throw it away. But then again, it will probably go unread just like the ones addressed to the four other soldiers this company tried to assign me to so… I'll just treat you like a diary, sound good?
Stay safe. Stay kind.
Sincerely,
Tifa Lockhart
:
Dear Miss Lockhart,
(The words above get crossed out several times.)
Dear Tifa,
(The word 'dear,' looks erased and crossed over, drawn over and erased again and again.)
Tifa,
I got your letter. I'm writing back. I got into SOLDIER… but it's not what I thought it would be. I'm working hard. I'm still not where I need to be, so I can't come find you.
My mom, Nibelheim, I'm… (the words here are so crossed out, she can't read them.)
…I'm sorry to keep you waiting still. I'll come to you. I'll come home.
Cloud
P.S. I've been to Wutai. I didn't get to see the sights. I wish I didn't (more crossed out words). What about you? Do you have someone now? Are you safe? I want (crossed out again) to know everything that's happened.
P.S.S. You don't have to write back if you're angry.
But please, write back.
:
Cloud,
Do you have any idea how shocked I was to see your letter? Are you really Cloud Strife, from Nibelheim? Are you that boy who made me the promise? Do you remember my parents' names? And the games we played the summer you went away?
Sorry, I just have to make sure it's you. I thought you were dead. Your mom, before the explosion, she told me you got into a terrible accident during training. I was so sure you had died, the way she looked… she seemed so broken.
Oddly enough, that's why I survived the reactor's explosion… I ran off with Master Zangan to do some training… we almost didn't escape the blast radius.
Your Mom… I should have talked to her before she died. I'm so sorry.
Please be real.
Stay safe, stay kind,
Tifa
:
Tifa,
Your parents were named Brian and Hiroko Lockhart. My mother's name was Claudia. We used to play tag because you'd run faster than me and catch me every time, but you went easy on me when it was my turn. I used to listen to you playing lullabies on the piano for your mother through the window. When your mom died, I went out and picked wildflowers for her grave and you were the only one who thanked me.
When we made the promise, you were wearing a blue dress. I promised that I'd come back when I become a hero so I could save you.
The military told me that you died along with my mom in the blast. I never thought to question them. I was too busy recovering from my training accident. Long story short, you really shouldn't do training exercises with real swords until you're actually ready.
It's selfish but… I'm glad you survived. My mom… I'm sure she'd be too. She loved you. Always made a bit of extra pie for when you came over.
She wouldn't want you to blame yourself, Tifa.
I'm real.
Cloud
P.S. You didn't answer my questions last letter.
:
Dear Cloud,
It's embarrassing but I started crying as soon as I read your letter. You don't know how happy I am that you're alive. All those years ago, I should have gone to Shinra's headquarters to ask for your name. How have you been? Is the program treating you well? Are you eating enough? How long is your latest mission?
After Nibelheim, Master Zangan left me in Midgar. Don't worry, I was fine. After Master Zangan's training, I can punch anyone who tries to mess with me! I'm doing alright. I run a bar in Sector 7, Seventh Heaven. If you have time when you have leave, you should come visit. I make a great Cosmo Canyon (it's my speciality) and delicious lamb stew.
I live by myself but I have my landlady Marle to keep me company. She's a sweet older lady, reminds me of my mom. And I also have Aerith. She met me when Master Zangan left. Without her, I wouldn't have made it in the city. Sometimes she helps run the bar with me, but her main business is flower selling. Believe it or not, Aerith just knows how to coax living things to grow even in Midgar! Her mother also bakes the best pies (nothing compared to Claudia's, but perfection is rare.) I have yet to steal the recipe from her.
Other than that, I also babysit the sweetest little girl Marlene for a friend, Barret. He's… a character, but a good man. He's almost like a father (that word looks like it's been crossed out and then hastily written back in) to me and Aerith.
You don't have to worry about me, Cloud. I'm surviving. How about you? Any friends or secret girlfriends I should worry about? What do you do when you're not being a soldier now?
I'm not sure what kind of food they serve you high end soldiers out there, but I've attached a container of cookies. Caramel. I hope you still like them!
Stay safe, stay kind,
Tifa.
P.S. Thank you for writing me back.
:
Dear Tifa,
I'm doing fine. I just patrol the Wutai border now. I don't know how long I'll be patrolling here. Before, my job was more classified and… different. I prefer patrolling.
The military serves us pretty standard meals. I'm not starving or anything but it's nothing like what mom used to make.
Zack's really the only friend that I have. He's a First Class SOLDIER, totally different from me. I'm only Second Class and with everything that happened, well, I'm not going to be First Class any time soon either. Actually, I think your friend, Aerith, might be writing to Zack. Ask her if she knows a 'Zack Fair'—she's probably the new girlfriend he won't shut up about.
I don't have any hobbies. No time. I'm usually training or patrolling. I guess… sometimes I look up at the stars, like we used to. Do you remember the stories you used to make up about the stars? I go over them in my head sometimes, to make the time pass. I have… too much time to think.
I regret (these words are crossed out.)
Tifa… about Master Zangan, did he just leave you? In Midgar by yourself? How could he—(blotted out ink.)
Tifa, you'd tell me if there was anything wrong with your living situation, right? If you needed anything? SOLDIER pays me a lot, I've barely used my savings. If you need anything, just ask.
I'm glad you have people taking care of you. I'll have to thank them. You always deserve to be surrounded by good people.
And thank you. For the cookies. They're still my favourite.
Stay safe,
Cloud
P.S. This is Zack, Cloud's buddy! Just wanted to say 'hi' to my friend's little lady and tell you to send. More. Cookies. Cloud wouldn't share with me.
P.S.S. Tifa just ignore that.
P.S.S.S. Added this before he could seal the letter. But he's single. Very single.
:
Dear Cloud,
I'm so happy that you liked the cookies and I've attached a bigger batch so Zack can have some. As soon as Aerith heard his name, she squealed and insisted on helping. Turns out that your Zack and hers are the very same, you were right! The pink box is the batch she made for Zack (with my supervision), the blue box is for you. We also added some blankets since we know it gets cold at night over at Wutai.
Aerith is super excited that her boyfriend knows you. She might try writing Zack some questions to ask you, but don't feel you have to answer. She's just being Aerith and upset that I didn't want to tell her every single detail of our past together. It's just… hard for me to talk about Nibelheim nowadays. Do you ever talk about Nibelheim with Zack?
Honestly, I'm relieved you're doing patrol duty. I know you told me not to, but now that I know you're alive, I get worried. Sometimes, I dream that these letters aren't real… that I'm writing to a ghost, that you aren't there at all. But then I wake up and I find your letters on the table by my bed, and I know you're out there.
I used to have nightmares, about the explosion. I still do sometimes. I used to dream that your body was there too, next to my dad's. You'd look so young, just as I remembered when we were fourteen, and that's how I'd know it was a dream.
Isn't that pathetic of me? I still don't know what you look like now. I guess you don't know what I look like either. I wonder if you changed your haircut, I used to think it looked like a chocobo, and I wonder if you grew taller. I don't know if you'd recognize me when you see me next.
I remember those stories. I didn't make them up, not all the time at least. Actually, I learned them from my mom. They were myths from Wutai that mom used to tell me when she was homesick. There was one I never told you about, the tale of two lovers who angered a god and were separated forever. But because the lovers begged to see each other again, their love moved the gods, and they were allowed to see each other once a year across the sea of stars.
I always hated that story. I thought it was so unfair and cruel. If the gods really felt for the lovers, why didn't they let the lovers stay together? Why tease them like that?
But Cloud, I think myths were just ways for our ancestors to make excuses for reality, to cope with how harsh life is. I think we're doing our best to live and cherish each other, because anything could happen to take away the ones you loved… so we make up stories to make the hurt go away or to find other characters who have it worse than we do.
Like Master Zangan—
(the line above is crossed out, but not enough for it for it to be unreadable.)
Master Zangan is a good man… I just don't think he could bear losing someone else, so he left before something bad could happen. Please don't judge him for it. He left me with as much gil as he could and a hotel room. Then I met Aerith and she helped me figure things out. I owe her my life.
I'm glad you have a friend you can rely on. From what Aerith's told me, Zack seems like a good person.
That's why… I'm okay, Cloud. You don't need to use your money on me. I'm flattered, but please take care of yourself, first. I want you to be happy and safe.
Speaking of that… I attached some wood and a small knife too. I remember you used to like doing wood carvings for your mom. Maybe you can do that when you're caught up in your thoughts? I know all too well how dark our thoughts can become.
Stay safe, stay kind,
With love,
Tifa
P.S. I'm honestly a bit embarrassed that you remembered those stories, Cloud. I hope you don't only recall the ones I made up. They were really cheesy compared to my mother's. And… I realized that I haven't told you this yet but… I'm proud of you, Cloud Strife. You're a good man.
:
Dear Tifa,
You're allowed to be angry at Master Zangan. You're allowed to be disappointed, confused, or upset. You were sixteen and he left you. You might have forgiven him, but I won't.
I dream about Nibelheim all the time. They showed me photos of the aftermath and… what they could find of my mother. I… reacted badly. I wasn't allowed back on duty for a months. I got… into a really bad place, Tifa. So, yes. I still have nightmares too. I don't talk about it.
When training got bad, when I wanted to quit because I had no one left, I thought about you. I… I pretended you were alive and waiting for me, so I could keep going. I remembered the story you made up about a hero who lost his memory, reuniting with his first love, and how they had to save the world from a corrupt general. The way you ended that story, with the meteor falling on the world and no way to know if the hero and his friends succeeded or not… that kept me up for nights. I'd make up alternate endings where everyone lived, where the hero was brave enough to tell his first love his true feelings. I'd pretend that you were still waiting in Nibelheim, making different versions of that story.
Tifa, maybe we do make up stories to explain why life is harsh… but I think we also tell stories to give ourselves hope. A reason for living. You taught me that.
I'm not a good man. I've killed so many people in this war. I didn't come looking for you. I haven't become strong enough to protect what really matters. You're the amazing one. Running your own business? Still taking care of other people first? Your baking skills? You're good, Tifa.
And I'll spend my money how I want, thanks.
I have leave in four weeks, for the summer… in Midgar. I'd like to see you, if that's okay.
We can see how much we've changed then.
Stay safe.
Always,
Cloud
P.S. I tried the wood carving. Thought of you.
[Attached to the letter is a wooden carving of a dolphin jumping up in the air.]
P.S.S. Please tell Aerith to send her cookies to Zack in her own letters, thanks. Zack keeps insisting both boxes are for him. They are not.
:
Dear Cloud,
I would love to see you and I insist you come stay with me! I have a spare room for when Aerith or Barret and Marlene come over. I've attached my address on the back of this letter. Aerith says Zack can stay with her and Elmyra if he likes.
Thank you so much for the cute wood carving! I have it by my bedside table next to your letters. I can't believe you remembered my favourite animal! Isn't it crazy how I've still never seen a real dolphin? I hope they're as cute as the books say. Still saving up to visit the beach one day.
And Cloud… thank you for telling me about the nightmares. I can only imagine how hard that must have been… and how hard it was to tell me. I still can't talk about my own nightmares with anyone but you. And even then… there's some details I just can't talk about.
But that's a topic for another time. Let's focus on you and your upcoming leave! I can't believe we'll see each other again! I bet I'm taller than you, I've grown quite a bit. I'm even a bit taller than Aerith and I can throw down any guy that messes with me.
Also, when I see you, I am absolutely returning the cheque you sent me. That's way too much money, Cloud Strife! Save it for yourself! Or for when you get married! What would your future partner think?!
Anyways, let me know if you can stay with me for the summer.
Stay safe, stay kind.
With love,
Tifa.
P.S. You've been through a lot, Cloud Strife, and I think it's amazing that you've survived. You might not believe it, but you're still a good man. You still try to be kind. I believe in you, even if you don't. And… thank you, for what you said about me. I'm not sure if I believe in me yet… but I'm trying.
:
Dear Tifa,
I'd love to stay. I'm back in Midgar on the 1st of July.
Zack won't shut up about needing to impress Elmyra. Aerith's created a monster.
I've never seen a dolphin either. We should go. This summer.
Also, I'm definitely taller than you.
Stay safe.
Always,
Cloud
P.S. If you give the cheque back to me, I'll only figure out how to put it into your account later. Just keep it.
:
Dear Cloud,
It's a date. I'll see you at Seventh Heaven on the 1st of July.
I'll keep the cheque (for now), only because I'll use it for your cookie fund.
Stay safe, stay kind.
With love,
Tifa