Disclaimer: I own nothing except my imagination.

A/N: Okkkk so in an attempt to lower my stress at work because let's face it this COVID crap for the health system is killing us, I went through my stories and stumbled on this one...that I had totally forgotten was there. Post miscarriage, I wanted to show Adam's struggle with it.

Adam looked at the inside of his locker after the rest of the unit had left. The door was open and two pictures were staring at him. One was of him with Al and Jay when he had first joined the team and the other one was the ultrasound of his and Kim's baby that she had given him. It already seemed so far away but the pain in his chest was still fresh. He was doing everything he could to be there for Kim through it all, putting his own feelings aside to make sure she was ok. But right now, he was far from it. He took a deep breath and pulled his pair of Converse and changed out of his boots before pulling his jacket out and headed out. He had traded Molly's for Bucktown Pub in an attempt to distance himself from any reminders. He found a stool in front of the bar and ordered a double whiskey.

"This seat taken? He looked sideways as a blonde waited for his answer.

"It's all yours." He replied but returned his gaze in front of him. He was in no need of company, the glass in front of him enough.

"I've seen you a few times this week, my name is Cindy." She flashed him a nice smile.

"Listen Cindy. You seem like a really nice girl but I'm just here to grab a few drinks, by myself."

"I'll be around if you change your mind." She smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder before going back to her friends.

"She comes in here every other night and leaves with a different guy every time."

"Figured as much." Adam chuckled and downed the rest of his glass and gestured for a refill.

"About time I found your sorry ass here." Adam acknowledged Kevin without looking at him. "You gotta talk to someone bro, I know something's eating at you." Adam ignored him and emptied his glass. "Ruz, come on man. Is it Burgess, is it the baby?"

"What the fuck do you want from me Kev?" He slammed his empty glass against the bar.

"Let someone in, anyone."

"Well shit doesn't always swing your way so that's that." He ordered a refill but he saw Kevin order the same.

"You'll have to talk to me at some point." He faced Adam on his stool.

"And you think you can pull it out of me huh?" Adam down his glass and stood, placing money on the bar and heading out. Kevin was quick to finish his own drink and followed after him. He wasn't going to let him get out of it so easily.

Adam walked up the stairs to his apartment building and slammed his door shut behind him. He just wanted to grab a beer and go to bed, hoping the night would be an ally tonight. But the quiet he was hoping for was interrupted by banging on his front door. He knew who it was but chose to ignore it, uncapping his beer.

"Open the fucking door Ruzek or I'll just kick it down." Adam sighed and put his beer down before opening his front door and returning to his beer. He picked it and plopped down on his couch, turning the tv on.

"You're fucking annoying tonight." Adam grumbled from his spot on the couch.

"And you're a fucking ass so we're even." Kevin didn't have to ask so he grabbed a beer from Adam's fridge and went to sit with his friend, propping his legs up against the living room table and leaning back into the couch.

"Guess we are." Kevin knew that if Adam wanted to talk that he would do it when he was ready so they waited in silence, a movie playing in the background. He just watched Adam and just looking at the way he was holding his body, Kevin knew something was weighing heavy on his best friend. "I dream about it every night." Adam finally said.

"About what?"

"Kim, in that tub, that look of complete pain and utter fear on her face." He took another swig of his beer.

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"No, she's not ready to get that kind of emotional stuff dumped on her. She thinks I should be angry at her for being at that scene, for working the case."

"Where does she go off thinking that?"

"Because she's angry at herself." He simply stated. He was pretty sure someone had heard part of that discussion out of the locker room and the awkward glances that followed and Adam didn't want to remember that either. The look of deep sadness in Kim's eyes almost did him in but he had wanted to be strong for her, help her through the loss.

"And are you?"

"I'll tell you what I told her. I would never blame her for this. She saved someone's kids life out there that night." He was pulling at the label on his bottle.

"That dream though. I just can't shake it man." He stood and went for another beer. "I can never get to her on time and it feels like someone's plunging a knife in my chest." He handed Kevin another one too. "And I want to be there for her I do but she's pushing me away every time I try to talk to her."

"Want some advice?"

"Something tells me you'll give it to me anyways even if I tell you no." Adam chuckled good naturedly.

"You got to force her to talk to you. The two of you need to talk it out, cry it out together. Tell her how you feel, what scares you."

"I'm not sure I can do that to her." Always putting her first.

"So, what? You continue to kick yourself in the ass, push down your pain just to save her the heart ache?"

"Something like that yeah."

"Can't force you to do it Ruz but I know how stubborn Burgess can be and you keep putting your head in the sand and you'll be in a hell of a lot more pain than I know that you're in now." Kevin stood and set his bottle on the table. "Just think about it." Kevin tapped his shoulder.

Adam nodded and Kevin let himself out. He downed his beer and headed for a shower. The water was cold against his skin and he gave thought to what Kevin had said and when he slipped into bed, he had made his decision. He would get as good a night sleep as he could and in the morning, he would go grab Kim's favourite food at the pastry store down her block and he'd go to her place, needing to talk to her.

The night was more of the same for Adam so when the sun blinded him awake, he felt as if he had been hit by a truck. He showered again, trying to get rid of the dream he had gotten and he put on a fresh pair of jeans, a flannel shirt and his grabbed his coat from the hook by the door and he was on his way. It was late enough that he knew that Kim would be awake so he did as he planned and was climbing the stairs to her place twenty minutes later. He knocked and waited. He couldn't hear anything from the other side so he knocked again, this time louder. Kim had always been a heavy sleeper so he exercised patience. When she did answer the door, she was fingering her wet hair and the look of surprise on her face told him she wasn't expecting him to show up at her door.

A/N: So finally Adam will be able to tell Kim exactly how he feels. I really hope you guys liked it and please take a few minutes to review before you go, I really love to hear your thoughts. - Sarra