AN: Don't own any of the franchises that may appear in this story. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: This Day Could Not Get Any Worse

"You know, I woke up this morning thinking that nothing could go wrong. The sun was shining, the breeze was cool. I even brought out some ramen! But then! But then! Shit just had to go sideways. No no no no. Scratch that. Shit went sideways, hit the fan, up my ass and tickled my tonsils."

Naruto gave a half-hearted glare at the armored men who stood around him. Clad in boldly colored armor, he couldn't help but feel annoyed. Well, more annoyed than he already was. First, they shot at him, then they took his stuff - his ramen! - and then they pointed some weapons at him. He didn't really give a damn about most of that except for the ramen. No one got between him and ramen.

What really annoyed him was their armor. People got on his case for wearing bright colors, so why do these yahoos get a pass? He even saw some dudes wearing yellow! Fuck. Off. They were just rubbing it in his face at that point. The only real reason he got away with what he was saying was because of the language barrier. These men, as far as he knew, only speak Mandarin.

He ignored the men that stood guard around him in favor of looking up at those who had gathered around the only table in the room. What was of interest to them weren't the many scrolls, clothes and miscellaneous objects that he had on hand. Hell, not even the foreign characters and weapons fazed them. They were too busy staring at the set of teeth and claws they'd pulled out of his pack.

["These teeth. General, they belong to the Tao Tei!"]

One of the men had picked up one of the serrated fangs along with a piece of wrought of iron. Naruto watched as he scratched the sharpened fang across the plate of metal, tearing a jagged gash across the dark surface with ease.

["Messenger! Get Commander Lin!"]

The sound of hurried, retreating footsteps told Naruto all he needed to know: they were going to get someone and the teeth of that creature were involved.

"Fuck me sideways."

He stayed on his knees, waiting for whoever the hell it is they sent for. While waiting, he took in the hall that they held him in. Towering columns of red timber supported an expansive ceiling. Carved stone steps, decorated with ornate designs of the Eastern dragon led to the courtyards outside and to the Great Wall he'd seen earlier. From the constant yells of exertion and clatter of footsteps, he was probably near a garrison.

Even though it was muffled by the walls and nearly drowned out by the drills going on outside, his ears picked up several bits and pieces of a familiar language.

"English? Someone here speaks English?" The echoes of stumbling footsteps, preceded by the loud, rhythmic march of who he assumed to be soldiers, came closer and closer. "Looks like I'm about to meet my fellow prisoners."

The doors to the room were opened from the inside by a pair of guards just before a squad of soldiers, escorting a pair of familiar looking pair of thugs.

"You!" the two rugged men yelled.

"Me!" Naruto replied.

Any further conversation was put on hold as the guards pushed the restrained men forward, sending them stumbling onto the ground on either side of Naruto.

"Nice to see you two again."

"Bastard," the black haired member of the duo hissed as he picked himself up.

"Pretty sure my parents were married before they had me, Tovar." Naruto turned towards the sand haired man next to him. "How have you been, William?"

"Peachy."

"Oh yea? Is that why you both look like a walking carpet?" Naruto sniffed, his face wrinkling in disgust. "Ugh. You don't just look like a carpet. You smell like one, too."

Both men paused, having righted themselves before hesitantly sniffing themselves.

"Unbelievable," Naruto sighed. "So what are you in for?"

"Trespassing." William muttered. "You?"

"Possession of illegal items," Naruto nodded towards the table and the men gathered around it. "They're curious about the teeth and claws I scavenged."

"Teeth? Claws?" Tovar harshly whispered. "Why the hell would they care about that?"

"You wanna answer him for me, William?" Naruto looked at the dark blond beside him.

William looked up, his eyes focused upon the fangs and claws that the men were turning over in their hands, his mind trying to recall if he had seen such organic weaponry before.

"The creature," he realized.

"Ding ding ding! We have a winner!"

"You found one too?" William eyed the sun-kissed blond beside him.

"Found it? I killed it! Didn't wanna fight it, but stupid thing just kept coming at me."

Even as he spoke, Naruto kept his attention on the men at the table. The soldiers who had brought in his two acquaintances were now rifling through their belongings, only to bring out a green clawed arm, inciting exclamations of trepidation from the gathered militia.

"You killed it by yourself?" Tovar didn't believe him. "It killed three of our men and we only killed it through sheer luck, but you killed it by yourself? Bullshit!"

"Believe what you want, pal, but I'm living proof of my story." Naruto paused. "Where's the rest of your little band of rejects?"

"Killed," William frowned. "Damn natives got to them while we were trying to get here."

Ah. The scattered tribes to the North. They don't take well to strangers, foreigners especially. He tried to talk with them before, trade a few furs and skins for money, food, or water. Yea. He only made that mistake once. Never again.

"All because you didn't listen to me."

"Hush, you. How was I supposed to know they would be so ornery?" The voice in his head huffed and settled down.

Finally, a distinct pair of footsteps echoed down the hall from the garrison. One he recognized as the odd half-running gait of the soldier who had left before. The other pair was different, more measured.

"Finally. Took 'em long enough."

He looked towards the door, a second before the two guards pulled them aside, revealing the approaching pair. His eyes instantly focused on the one who produced the measured footsteps. And oh boy, was he surprised. A pair of sharp brown eyes stared at him and his fellow captives. Garbed in blue armor, a departure from the red and black plating most of the men wore, the newcomer was thin, elegant, but no less deadly. Even from a brief glance, he could see she carried herself with poise and grace, garnered from a lifetime of training.

["General Shao,"] the woman stated in her foreign tongue, bending at the waist and saluting the man bearing a wolf helmet.

"Damn. She's gorgeous."

"Pervert."

"We're tied, defenseless, potentially about to be imprisoned or executed and you're captivated with the local women?" Tovar hissed.

"Hey, if I'm about to die, I might as well enjoy the local sights." Though William stayed silent, he had to agree. If she was one of the last things he saw, he didn't really have much room to complain.

["Commander Lin. Ask them where they found this clawed arm and these sets of teeth,"] the general ordered.

"You," the blue armored woman barked. "Where did you find the claw and teeth?"

If Naruto was a lesser man, he would have blushed upon realizing that he'd just called the woman "gorgeous" without realizing that she could understand him. Instead, Naruto's face was nearly split in two with a smirk.

"Two days' ride to the Northwest," answered William.

"Got the teeth half a day's ride to the Northeast," offered Naruto.

The three foreigners could see the look of concern that flickered across her face.

["The bearded one says the claw was found two days' ride to the Northwest while the one in the middle said the teeth were found a half day's ride to the Northwest."] The woman relayed their words to the seated men.

"And we didn't find it. We killed the thing. It attacked our camp and killed three of our guys."

"Same as them. Minus the dead guys."

She spared them a glance before turning back towards the wolf-themed man.

["They said they didn't find the claw. They killed the creatures. Two separate creatures."]

The men at the table broke out into discussion. The man seated in the middle, someone Naruto assumed to be the head honcho of this little group, continued to stare at him and his pals. Even then, Naruto knew he was still listening to the conversations going on around him.

["Ask them what their intentions are."]

"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"Traveling adventurer, just here to see this part of the world," Naruto replied.

"Merchants," William and Tovar stated.

["The yellow haired one says he is an adventurer. The other two, however, say they are merchants,"] relayed the young woman. "Merchants, huh?" She turned towards the guards. ["Get them on their feet."] Three of the guards lowered their bladed spears, quickly setting the three of them on their feet. ["Take off their cloaks."]

A single guard approached the trio. He quickly removed the shawls that hid their torsos and legs from view, starting with William. The dirty blond haired man wore a customized chain mail, studded with a series of metal plates along the chest and back. Underneath that, what appeared to be a thin layer of leather padded the armor over brown tunic. Soon enough, Tovar was revealed to be wearing something similar.

Along with the weapons that had been dumped on the table alongside Naruto's belongings, they were suspiciously well-armed for some merchants. The young woman seemed to think along the same lines as Naruto, drawing her sword and pressing the tapered tip against William's neck.

"I do not take kindly to prisoners who lie to me."

["Wait,"] a man wearing a tight cap sitting beside the general called out. ["I believe they really did kill the creature. The blood upon his blade is green. As far as we know, only the Tao Tei carry green blood within their veins. And this arm. It is still fresh. I believe they did kill the beast, though I do not believe them to be merchants."]

"Hm." The young woman hummed to herself, tilting William's head upwards with the flat of her blade, like she was examining an item at a market. "Still. They are not merchants." With a flourish, she drew the blade from his neck and sheathed it, the blade ringing clearly in the room. Her eyes then moved onto Naruto, taking in his appearance.

Dressed in a strange green sleeveless vest, long sleeved blue shirt, the sun-kissed blond appeared almost relaxed in the room, like he wasn't bound, weaponless, and at the mercy of a squad of spearmen. His long blue pants, though relatively baggy, were wrapped and tightened with white lengths of cloth, just above the knee and above the ankle. The vest, however, drew her attention. There were a strange series of pouches sewn onto the front of the vest, kept closed with a metal button.

"Do you know these two?"

"Yup," answered Naruto, popping the 'p' for extra emphasis.

"And what are you doing here in China?"

"Nothing in particular really. I was just headed eastward. I actually headed south since those tribes to the North won't leave me alone." Even as he spoke, he knew she didn't believe him. "Look, miss, I don't really care about whatever secrets you and yours," Naruto nodded at the table of men, who were watching their interaction with rapt attention, "may have."

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed the man who spoke up earlier, the one with the cap, whispering into the ear of the general.

"Looks like she's not the only one who can speak English. Either he taught her or someone else taught them both. Better keep an eye out."

"So you can either cut me loose and let me go on my merry way east or you can cut me loose and I can help you with whatever problem you have. I'm assuming your fancy armor isn't just for show?" Naruto's eyes widened, the pieces finally falling into place. "You're fighting those creatures. There's more of them."

With a ringing cry, the woman's blade was pressed against his jugular as she spoke in Mandarin, addressing the council of men behind her back.

["He knows of our plight against the Tao Tei."]

The council of men behind her were instantly on guard, muttering amongst themselves as they reached for the swords at their waists or tightened the grip on their spears.

"Tao Tei. That's what they're called, isn't it. Green, four legs, hooked teeth in a big mouth. Weird frills on the tops of their head with a patch of fur just behind the neck. One eye located on each shoulder."

["How has he come across this information?"] The woman relayed the general's words without delay.

"I killed one, lady. As to how I know there's more of them: the entire time I've been here, your friends have ignored everything in my pack except for the fangs and talons. Then these two idiots - oi! - are brought here and you're focused on the green claw you pull out of his pack. Combine that with your armor and weapons, it's not hard to figure out."

The shorter woman only glared at him even harder. China's greatest secret and the world's greatest threat, figured out in less than ten minutes by some stranger - some foreigner! - who has seen a single Tao Tei and from deductive reasoning.

Needless to say, Lin Mae was annoyed. And slightly impressed, but she wasn't going to show that particular emotion.

"Fucking hell," Torav whispered. "There's more of those things?!"

"Let me help you." Naruto's eyes never left the blue-clad woman's. "If these Tao Tei have the world's largest empire on the defensive, then they're a threat to the rest of the world."

Lin Mae stared into his eyes, searching for any hint that he may be lying to escape. She found nothing. Either he was a very good liar or he was being truthful. And she didn't know which one of it she would prefer.

["He wishes to help?"] the general asked.

["If he is to be believed, then yes,"] the cap-wearing man answered.

["Your thoughts, Commander Lin?"] The general leaned back against his chair and awaited the answer from the girl he had raised like his own daughter. He trusted her judgment above all others.

["As far as I can tell, he is telling the truth."]

["Then what do you suppose the proper course of action would be?"] The general raised his eyebrow, awaiting her decision.

["We see if he is true to his word or not. Keep the other two tied up. Untie this one."] With deft hands, the guard who stood behind him complied, freeing Naruto of his restraints. Her sword "Let me make this clear: if you betray our show of goodwill, I will personally feed you to the Tao Tei."

Naruto didn't say anything, simply meeting her intense gaze without fear. She had guts, he'll say that much.

"Anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

Slap!

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"

"You are only alive because we deem it so. Watch your tongue." She was once again annoyed by this foreigner and his character. "A womanizer. Great."

"Yea yea. Whatever. Got to meet a pretty girl today. Makes all the shit that happened in the last twenty four hours worth it," quipped Naruto as he smiled, not even rubbing his cheek from the woman's slap. Sadly, she didn't even twitch at the compliment. "Ooh. Tough crowd."

The sudden clatter of approaching footsteps drew the attention of everyone in the room.

["The Tao Tei are coming!"] yelled the messenger.

Naruto's eyes darted around the room, taking in the reactions of all those present. The young woman's lips were pressed into a thin line. The general looked grim, almost resigned. The rest of the guards and other officers weren't doing too hot either.

In the distance, he could hear the thunder of drums, drowning out all other sounds.

"This day is about to get worse, isn't it?"