It had been nine months since beautiful little Savannah Jade Cullen graced us with her presence. My dear husband proudly exclaimed to the whole damn hospital room that she was a screamer just like her mother. Truly, I should expect no less from a man who also asked my OBGYN early on in our pregnancy if my predisposition for having loose bowels would make me more likely to shit myself while pregnant.

I swear, you shart yourself one time after an overly bean-heavy Mexican dinner and you never live it down. Well, you don't if your husband's name is Edward Fucking Cullen, that is.

Dr. Pattinson was appropriately shocked, both with my husband's candor and with my quick reflexes when I thumped my asshole hubby in the nuts.

As this was par for the course with us, I calmly explained that Edward was the one full of shit and to please excuse him…but then I had to admit there really was NO excuse for him. That while I loved him dearly and was willingly carrying what was sure to be his demonic spawn, that Edward was an acquired taste.

Before he could as much as squeak out a "that's what she said", I slapped my hand over his mouth and smiled innocently at the good doctor.

Sometimes I cannot believe God is entrusting us morons with another human being.

But back to my little bundle of crapping, peeing, puking, crying-at-all-hours-of-the-night, chaffing-the-holy-fuck-out-of-my-nipples…joy. She was so lucky she was so goddamn cute. My tits would never be the same.

The things you do for the ones you love.

"Babe! Have you seen my…" Edward's voice dropped off at my death glare as I gently placed our sleeping daughter in her crib. I double checked the monitor and placed a kiss on her downy cheek. She snuffed, cooed and then let out a massive man-like fart. "That's my girl!" Edward proudly whispered as I warily checked to make sure my kid didn't just have a blowout.

The stench hit us both and we quickly made our way out of the room, Edward gagging the entire time.

"Jesus, I mean I'm kind of proud, but fuckin' hell!" Edward exclaimed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Yeah, but just think of it this way. If she's still doing that when she hits puberty, at least it'll keep the little pervert boys away." I arch an eyebrow and can't help but laugh at the instant look of rage on his face.

"There will be no boys. Hell, there will be no girls if that's what she's into." I laughed as Edward huffed away, mumbling about how he was sending her to a convent the moment the hormones hit.

"Calm down, Dadzilla, your little precious will be just fine. Now, come on, I want to take a nap while she's out." I yawned loudly, reaching out for Edward's hand and pulling him towards our bedroom.

"Is nap code for…" Edward made a crude motion, bobbing his hand back and forth to his mouth while wiggling his eyebrows at me.

"Yes, yes it is, Edward. I haven't slept in almost twenty-four hours, I'm pretty sure I have spit-up in my hair, and my nipples feel like I scraped them with sandpaper, but I am just dying to get your dick in my mouth. Please, honey, please let me suck your cock." I dead-panned, plopping down on the bed and rolling my eyes at him.

"So, that's a no to a little sucky-sucky? How about a fucky...OW! Okay, okay! Just the tip? Come on, Bella, it's been so long I think I've forgotten what sex is!" Edward whined. He was also a complete liar, it hadn't been that long since we'd fooled around.

"Quit being such a pussy!"

"You're not allowed to say the p-word if I can't have the p-word. It's like dangling a bottle of water in front of a man dying of thirst and not letting him get his throat wet." We both snorted at the analogy.

God, my husband was an idiot.

"Are you saying you're…thirsty…Edward?" I teased, because truth be told I was feeling a little dehydrated myself.

"Fucking parched, baby." And, oh God, he used The Voice. It was the same tone that had gotten him laid on our first date. The same tone that had me agreeing to let him screw me stupid against a tree outside of my dad's house. Which coincidentally ended up with us both having poison ivy rashes in questionable places.

I both loved and loathed The Voice. It was my kryptonite. My lady bits were powerless against it.

"Don't use that tone with me, mister." I warned, warily watching as he crept closer to the bed, boxing me in as he placed his hands on the outside of my thighs. The sexy bastard just smirked as he swept his eyes slowly from my legs to my face, with a fairly long detour at my tits.

"Bella, baby, I don't know what you're talking about. Is there something wrong with my tone of voice?" He cocked his head to the side, all innocence and curiosity and fucking bullshit. Absolute, utter bullshit. He fucking knew what he was doing.

"Don't…no…I need to sex! Shit, I mean sleep, I need to sleep!" Goddamn Freudian slip.

"Which is it, baby? Do you want a nice, long nap or do you need a good, long fuck?" The way his lips formed the word 'fuck' was more indecent than the word itself. His knees hit the bed as he slowly moved over me, forcing my body to recline back on the bed.

I gave a token protest. Truly, I did. I placed my foot against his chest and gave it a light shove, my hands braced against the mattress at my sides. Edward's hand wrapped around my ankle, sliding my foot up further and leaning his head down and brushing his lips against it. There was no stopping the moan that left my mouth as he nipped my ankle, his tongue flicking out to trace the small tattoo I have there.

"Edward…" My voice was way too damn breathy for someone who was claiming she didn't want to put out. Being the cheeky bastard that he is, Edward just chuckled as he pushed his way between my thighs until his face hovered over mine.

"You sure I can't tempt you, Bella?" Edward punctuated his sentence with a slow roll of his hips and the contact caused both of us to hiss. "Are you positive you don't want to whet your whistle?"

"You motherfucker…"

"I'm trying to be." Edward proclaimed, cheesy grin plastered on his face.

That son-of-a-bitch.

"Rude. Funny, but rude." I let myself fall against the mattress, my hands the first to give up the "protest" the rest of my body was trying and failing to give.

"Come on, Bella, let me have just a taste." I gasped as his tongue found my neck and slowly made its way to my ear. I shivered as his breath hit me and I couldn't control my damn traitorous hips as they arched into him. He grunted, pushing back against me as he moved his mouth to hover over mine, "Can I, baby, can I drink my fill of you?"

I forfeit. His wordplay was too fucking good and I was getting too turned on to keep up the charade. At the slow nod of my head, Edward instantly sat up, his hands at my waist and tugging on my leggings.

Someone was eager. Someone was also about to find out momma didn't have time for underwear today.

"Fuuuuuck, you've been walking around all day like this?"

"Uh huh."

"You mean I could have slid these down, at any time, and found you bare for me? Jesus fuck, you're a cruel woman to keep that shit from me." He glared playfully at me, lightly slapping my thigh, "I shouldn't even eat your pussy after that, but…it's just so wet and I'm so fucking thirsty."

With zero preamble and with a skill he's perfected over the last few years, Edward got right down to business. My business that is.

He hadn't even bothered to push my leggings all the way off, he'd just left them as they were and laid over me, his hands shoving up under my ass to bring me to his waiting mouth. God, it felt like I was trapped, like I couldn't escape whatever it was he was going to do to me. So. Fucking. Hot.

I spread my legs as far as they could go and he gave my clit an appreciative kiss that made me squeak. His tongue flicked out, swirling with just the right amount of pressure to begin. Around and around, side to side, up and down.

My hands found their way to his hair and Edward grunted when I pulled hard on the strands. He lifted his head slightly, but didn't remove his tongue, using feather-light sweeps to drive me in-fucking-sane. I tried to push him closer to where I wanted, but he resisted.

"Edward…fuck…what the fuck…I need…" I needed to make fucking sense is what I needed.

"You need what, baby? You've got my tongue, is that not enough?"

"More…harder!"

"You want me to fuck your pretty pussy with my mouth, sweetheart? You want my fingers, too?" He slid one hand from my ass, sweeping a single finger through my folds. It wasn't enough and he fucking knew it.

"God! Just DO it!" I growled, trying to move my hips closer to him and what I so fucking desperately needed. That's when I felt his hand cover mine on his head and press harder. His eyes met mine and the hunger there made my breath hitch.

"Make me, baby." With one last meaningful press against mine, he moved his hand back between my legs. I got the message. Edward didn't want to play nice today.

'Ugh!" I gripped his hair and shoved his head towards me and this time he grunted with approval and complied. Gone was the slow torture, the hesitancy and the teasing. Edward replaced one finger with two and slammed them into me at the same time his lips latched on to my clit. I had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep in the scream.

His fingers worked me hard, thrusting, and pushing and then finally angling just where I needed them. He sucked hard on my clit, his tongue flicking and twirling. His other hand kneaded my ass and pressed me closer to his face. My head thrashed against the pillow and I could feel my orgasm trying to sweep me under.

"Almost…please…please…oh." My toes curled at the same time Edward's fingers did and I chanted his name as I came hard, fast, and oh so fucking good.

Edward's fingers slid from inside me as his tongue slid down, humming as he licked me over and over. I was trembling, my legs twitching as he ran his hands down them to soothe me. We locked eyes as he licked his lips and hummed, using his hands to finally remove my leggings completely.

He kissed my hip, his hands pushing my shirt up as his mouth worked its way up my body. He placed soft kisses to both my nipples, because he knew from experience he better fucking be gentle with them. One good squirt to the eye with breast milk and you'd think he was scarred for life.

"Mm, Hi." He smiled sweetly, like he just hadn't given me a mind-blowing orgasm with that same mouth. I pulled him to me, kissing him thoroughly, tasting myself on his tongue. "I fucking love it when you do that, so fucking hot." Edward hissed, thrusting his hips against me.

"I know. Now, so do I get my own taste or…" My hand slipped inside his pajama pants and gripped his cock. Edward moaned, pushing into my hand as his own tried to shove my t-shirt and bra up. "Careful." I warned. While I missed all of the boob action, the girls were extremely sore and Edward could get a little handsy when he was this horny.

"Fuck. I just wanna…can I just see them? I never get to play with them anymore." I swear he was fucking pouting. I rolled my eyes at him, but nodded my head anyway. If looking at my tits made him happy, who was I to deny him? I mean, I had before because you don't want them to get spoiled, but after that amazing orgasm I was feeling generous. "Sweet!"

He wasted zero time in pushing my bra and shirt above my boobs and a loud, happy sigh escaped his lips, "Hello, titties, my old friends." He sang softly, laughing when I smacked his shoulder.

"You're fucking crazy. Just remember, as much as you love them, they belong to your daughter right now." I arched an eyebrow as his pout returned.

"They were mine first…" He mumbled, softly running his finger between my breasts, his eyes filled with such deep longing that I couldn't help but laugh at him. "How would you feel if you had unlimited access, to say, my balls, and all the sudden you got grounded from them and some other motherfucker got to play with…" Edward ended his rant with wide-eyes as I just stared incredulously up at him. "Did I just call my baby girl a motherfucker?"

"You did. You also assumed I would miss your balls as much as you miss my tits and I hate to burst your bubble but I don't lust after your danglers."

Balls were gross. It was just a fact. His dick, on the other hand, I'm rather fond of that.

"I apologize on both accounts and if we could just forget this ever happened, that would be great." Edward's smile could melt butter, but his eyes still looked a little worried.

Should I fuck with him or just fuck him. Decisions, decisions.

"I could go down on you again if that makes things better?" Edward generously offered, already scooting his way down the bed. I pressed my thighs against his chest and shook my head.

"As much as I love the idea of you bribing me with bed head, again, I think we should finish what you started. You know, before the motherfucker wakes up." I couldn't resist, laughing at Edward's shocked face and indignant sputter.

"Not cool, babe. I feel bad enough…fuuuuck….okay I feel a little better now." I decided to take the bull by the horns, or the husband by the cock, and make things happen. It was fun to tease him, but I didn't want him to think I really meant it.

"You know what would make you feel even better? If you fucked me so good, so hard that we both forget your little comment."

"You're a genius, baby, a goddamn genius." Edward's voice had turned gritty as I pumped him slowly, but firmly. I gasped as his hand made its way between my thighs, fingers brushing up and down my slit. It didn't take long, just a couple of swirls of his talented fingers against my clit and I was ready for him. I may have been a genius, but Edward was a pussy savant.

"Edward…now." From experience, I knew our time was limited. I could also tell from how hard Edward was that it wasn't going to be an issue.

"Yeah, now, now's good." We both moaned as he slid into me and as always he took a few seconds to savor the feeling, rocking gently back and forth. It wasn't until I dug my heels into his ass that he picked up the pace. "Yeah, like that? You want it hard, baby?" Edward grunted, pulling himself all the way out and slamming back in.

"Fuck, yes. So good. You fuck me so good." I panted, my hands scrambling to find purchase on his slick skin. I finally settled for wrapping them around his waist and pulling him as close to me as I could. He felt heavy on top of me, but it was just what I needed.

"Jesus, baby, give me your leg." His hand grabbed my ankle and placed in on his shoulder, his mouth once again finding my tattoo and leaving open-mouthed kisses against it. The angle caused him to go so much deeper and it felt so unbelievably good that I sucked in a harsh breath, letting it out on a high-pitched moan. "Shh, I'll have to stop if you can't be quiet." Edward grunted, bucking his hips and pushing against me so he brushed against my clit every few strokes.

"Make me." I challenged, pulling his head towards me and crashing our lips together. It wasn't pretty. It was sloppy, wet and oh so fucking good. When it became necessary to breathe, we both pulled back slightly our mouths barely touching, panting against one another.

"Make you what, baby? Make you come? Fuck, Bella, so goddamn good. Needed this. Needed you. Come on, baby, give it to me." Edward pressed his thumb against my mouth, moaning as I sucked and swirled my tongue around it. He let his thumb slide from my lips, leaving a wet trail down to my clit, pressing hard and fast circles into it.

I keened, biting my bottom lip to keep most of the sounds at bay. Edward smirked as he dipped his dead, kissing me before moving his mouth to my ear, "Drench me, baby, come." The sharp sting of his teeth on my ear was the final straw and the coil snapped.

Edward's hand clamped over my mouth as I cried out with my release, the waves of it washing over me and leaving me trembling in his arms.

"Fuck…yes…BELLA!" Without warning Edward's own orgasm hit him and he was the one who screamed as his hips jerked and twitched as he pushed himself as far inside me as he could go.

Edward was still panting against my forehead, placing soft kisses against my sweaty hairline when we heard it. A high-pitched wail came from the baby monitor, quickly followed by yet another massive fart.

My body shook with laughter and Edward winced and tried to pull out quickly, rolling off of me and groaning as he threw an arm over his face. He was smiling though.

"It's your fault. She is YOUR girl after all." I teased, placing a soft kiss against his shoulder.

"At least she let us get one in. Turns out I was the real motherfucker this time." Edward launched himself out of bed before I could slap him.

God, my husband was an idiot.

But he was my idiot.