"Professor," Gyeoul whispered against his shoulder. Jeongwon could feel the warmth of her breath through his coat, and he had the urge to hold her even closer. "I…I'm still confused. You like me too?"

Jeongwon let out a small, indulgent laugh.

"Yes," He said. "Very much. I like you very, very much."

He pulled away, reaching for her hands instead. He marveled at how small they were — at how they seemed to perfectly fit inside his own. It was a curious thing, really, because Jeongwon had noticed that Jang Gyeoul wasn't as small as his brain would want him to think. In fact, she was on the taller side among the female employees in Yulje. She was slimmer than average though, and Jeongwon's heart ached when he realized it was probably because of how overworked she was. She's been living on ramen, sandwiches, and coffee for four years now. No matter how okay she might project herself, eating that way couldn't possibly be healthy.

He ran his thumb across her knuckles, smiling slightly. "I guess I do have a lot to explain. Quite a lot."

She nodded vigorously, her soft brown hair swaying as she did. Her eyes were wide and child-like, twinkling with what Jeongwon assumed to be both tears and a need for an explanation. Her lips were pouted slightly, eyebrows furrowed. He'd seen this look a couple of times before and always felt the urge to cling to her when she did. Of course, the look was never directed at him. How could it — when all he'd ever done was make her sad and nervous?

He chuckled again, feeling like a fool. He liked every single thing about her, how could he explain that?

"I'm embarrassed to say I don't really know where to start." He said sheepishly. There was no point in lying to her again. He wanted to be with her. That much he was sure. He wanted to start this out right, even if it meant airing out all his dirty laundry. It's just…he was new at this too. Confessing, apologizing — they weren't exactly things he's had to do a lot.

"From the beginning!" She said urgently, and he felt her grip on his hands tighten. When she realized how eager she sounded, her face reddened, and she looked away. Jeongwon chuckled, so cute.

"I mean…if you don't know where to start, the beginning is a good place." She mumbled, fidgeting slightly.

Jeongwon felt his heart burst. His gaze softened.

Again, he was struck. He'd always known Jang Gyeoul had an uncanny talent of leaving him at a loss. It already happened too many times to count, and this night alone was no exception. He wanted to laugh at himself for being so stuck in his own mind that he forgot just who he was dealing with. It was a simple thing — simple logic from an unassuming person. That was what she was, what she's always been. It was always him who was too complicated for his own good.

"Okay, I'll start from the beginning." He agreed, leading her to sit across from him — where he could look her straight in the eye. It's what she deserved. A straight answer. It didn't matter if Jeongwon felt embarrassed or anxious or completely unable to form a coherent sentence without getting lost in her eyes. She deserved an answer.

"I've liked you for a long time," Jeongwon saw her eyes widen, her expression saying that she didn't realize it at all. The thought made his stomach lurch. "Months — I don't know exactly know when, but I do know that it's been a while."

"But I wanted to be a priest, or at least I thought I did. For most of my life I thought that's what I was meant to be. It was a childhood dream I couldn't seem to let go of. From what you said earlier, I assume you knew that too?"

Gyeoul's face turned even redder. She nodded, embarrassed. "Professor Lee told me back in May."

Jeongwon felt his eyebrows raise unconsciously.

May? That long ago? And she never said anything until now?

When people usually found out about his plan, he was almost immediately persuaded against it. Seokhyeong and Songhwa were a bit more subtle with their opinions, but Jeongwon knew they didn't like it too. Ikjun and Junwan, however, never failed to curse him out and call him an idiot for even considering it. His first thought was to curse Ikjun for exposing his private life so nonchalantly, but his mind was all Gyeoul now. Admiration, absolute awe at what kind of person she was — that was all he was really feeling.

She cared about him this much? From that long ago?

"May…"

"I'm sorry, Professor. It wasn't my place to know." She bowed her head, looking down guiltily.

"N-no! No, that's not what I meant!" He ran his hand through his hair. This really wasn't going to be easy at all.

"I just…thank you for not saying anything. I know it must have been hard for you to keep it to yourself for this long and I'm so, so sorry for that, Gyeoul. I-I wish it could've been easier for you. But if you had said something then, I don't know what I would have done. I think—"

He sighed, closing his eyes.

"—I think I might have left earlier."

He chuckled at himself, "You must think I'm such a fool."

Gyeoul looked at him oddly, with an expression of pure empathy that Jeongwon knew he had never seen her don so naturally before. "No, Professor. Of course, I don't."

He looked up at her.

"I understood. That's why I never said anything." Her eyes quivered, but she steeled herself, nonetheless. "I…I never wanted to do something that could hurt you. I figured that if you wanted it for so long, then it couldn't mean nothing. You couldn't just throw it away so easily. That would have been too hard, and I didn't want you to go through that."

Jeongwon's eyes softened, and his throat tightened. He could feel the tears coming back again — but not for a dream that was now lost, but for a new one he'd now found.

"Thank you." He managed to choke out, "That meant a lot to me. It means a lot to me. I will never forget it."

She smiled at him, and all Jeongwon wanted was to bring her into his embrace once again. Later, maybe. He still had a lot to explain.

"Do you remember the man with the maggots?" He asked.

She stopped to think, and Jeongwon realized that the sight of her picking the maggots was something he had held close to his heart, while it was just a common, everyday occurrence for her. He wondered just how much she managed to crawl her way into his very being — how much her every action had impacted him without him realizing.

After a while, she nodded with a questioning look. "The construction worker? Yes, why do you ask?"

"I said that I didn't know when I started to like you, but if I had to guess it was probably then."

She blinked in surprise, "Huh? But, why…?"

He laughed softly, she really was so cute.

"I had a…not so good impression of you." He saw her furrow her eyebrows, and he squeezed her hands reassuringly, "I was wrong."

Jeongwon didn't know how to explain it beyond that without going into a tangent. It was just that. He was wrong. He's been wrong about a lot of things, not just about her. He'd lied, kept secrets, hesitated, and hurt so many people in the process. He could apologize ten times over and still feel bad about what he's put her through. She could accept his apology twice as much and it wouldn't change how much he wants to beat himself up for being so confusing.

He expected Gyeoul to press for more answers, to find out what exactly he meant. But to his surprise, she just nodded.

"You won't ask?"

"I don't think I need to, Professor. It was in the past, you said it yourself."

Of course. It was as simple as that. It was on him for thinking too much once again.

"You're really amazing, Gyeoul." He said, smiling up at her lovingly. She raised her eyebrows in confusion, but that only made her even more endearing. "Sometimes I wonder how you could think like that."

She pouted slightly, cocking her head to the side. "Did I say something weird…?"

He laughed, "No, somehow you always manage to say things right. I love it."

Gyeoul turned beet red, and for a second Jeongwon didn't know why.

Love.

He really should do something about the amount of slips he's had.

Jeongwon didn't want to scare her off. He was still afraid that the intensity of his feelings might perturb her. He did acknowledge that he might be overthinking once again, but, still. This was the first romantic relationship he's been willing to see through in the 40 years of his life. If slow meant sure, then he'd be willing to wait for as long as she needed.

But he wanted to let her know, too.

Maybe he should. Her steadfast nature had always been something he admired and was always something he wished he had himself. Now, he finally felt he had enough courage to try.

"I love it a lot, Gyeoul. Among many, many more things." He said after a deep breath.

He saw Gyeoul try to stop herself from taking a sharp breath, her lips quivering as she pursed them tight. She blinked twice, looking down. He reached out to touch her cheek, now dry from the tears she shed just a few moments ago.

"You have been a source of strength for me. I realize that now. At first, I avoided you because I thought you were part of the reason why it's been so hard to leave. But now I know that you're the reason why it was so easy to stay."

He could see Gyeoul's gaze waver, and he could understand the way his confession must have made her feel. He had felt it from her own confession just a few minutes ago. A surge of pure warmth had enveloped him. When it first came to him, he didn't know what to call it or how to even describe it. But now he knew.

He felt loved.

He hoped his own confession had made her feel the same. If anyone in the world deserved to feel the way he felt, it was her.

"Professor…I don't know what to say." She hiccuped. He smiled inwardly. He remembered her hiccupping after he subconsciously slid over two chocopies in a meeting a few months ago. So it's a habit.

Jeongwon grinned, feeling lighter already. "Well you confessed, didn't you? I accept. 100%. I accept."

He reached out, running his thumb across her cheek, "Will you accept mine?"

Gyeoul gulped, looking at him with those big, bright eyes he's come to love so dearly. "I…I—"

Jeongwon cocked his head, pouting slightly. "You won't?"

He didn't know what came over him, but the urge to tease her was just too strong. It seemed to have shocked her as well, for he could see her blinking in confusion. Any indication of her not liking it was thrown out the window as soon as he saw her ears turning slightly red, and he grinned inwardly when he noticed that she couldn't seem to take her eyes off his lips.

Ah, she's never seen me like this. At least not towards her.

Well, he has time to change that now.

"I didn't think you would accept mine…" She mumbled. "So, I don't really know how to act now, Professor."

Jeongwon deflated a bit, realizing that the coldness of his actions had left a scar on the otherwise stainless soul of the woman in front of him. He had wanted to love her, but he hurt her instead. The confidence he had in teasing her just a while ago had gone, and he was left wondering if he had any right in pursing her at all. After all he's done, does he deserve her? Should he be feeling so happy after he'd put her in so much pain the past couple of months? Maybe he should just—

"—Professor?" She cut his thoughts off, looking at him worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking—" He hesitated, "Gyeoul, did you hate me? I must have been so—"

"—Why would I hate you, Professor?" She cut him off again and asked, genuinely confused. Gyeoul looked at him, pouting, but with a worried expression clearly seen on her face.

Jeongwon ran his hands through his hair and let out a short, frustrated breath.

"I was mean to you. Everyone told me so. I couldn't even look at you most of the time, and never praised you even though you deserved it. I would do it to other doctors, but never to you. You've been assisting me for every surgery the past two months, and a short thank you was all I've ever given you. That must have been so frustrating."

Gyeoul didn't say anything, and Jeongwon wanted to, quite literally, pull his hair out. He wanted to travel back in time and shout at his past self to stop being such a fool—that he could have been nicer and treated her better.

She nodded, "It was."

Jeongwon's head started to pound. He looked down.

"But I could never hate you for it. How could I—when I know what a great person you are?"

His head shot up. Those were words he didn't expect, especially not from her. Sure, he's been called Buddha by everyone in the hospital. But, that's just because they don't know what kind of person he truly was—stingy, sensitive, crude, and distant to all but his four friends. Jang Gyeoul, on the other hand, had seen him in his worst. Almost every action he'd been ashamed of the past year had been in her presence, but somehow, somehow she still saw the good in him that he could hardly even see himself.

"Professor, I think I have an idea of what kind of person you are." She said. "I think you're the type to think too much. I think you go over your mistakes every second of every day and beat yourself up for every single thing that you think went wrong."

Jeongwon felt his stomach drop.

"But, Professor, if you continue to do that, you're going to miss out on all the good you've done. My mom told me that in order for us to be truly kind to others, we must learn to be kind to ourselves first. Only then can we genuinely be a good person. Hating yourself for things out of your control only serves to hurt you even more, and in turn, it might hurt the people around you as well."

Jeongwon's throat tightened, and he felt her squeeze his hand.

"So no, Professor. I don't hate you. I never did. I know you're good. I've seen it myself. Though a lot of it may not have been directed at me, it doesn't mean you're worthy of hate. In fact, I admire you a lot. I've learned so much from you and I was always excited to have a chance to be around you even though you were so cold to me. It didn't matter to me. It didn't make me like you any less."

Jeongwon stared at her for a while. He couldn't explain what he was feeling. Overwhelmed, maybe, that he was read so clearly after just one conversation? No, it was more than that. He felt seen. He felt seen in a way that he's never felt before. He didn't know why he was feeling this way too. It wasn't like he hadn't heard Songhwa or Ikjun or whoever else say the same speech time and time again. But it was different from her. His gaze lingered for a while, and he saw her turn a deeper shade of red for every second that they sat in silence.

"I want to be with you," Jeongwon said after a while. He saw Gyeoul freeze, and he himself did the same thing. It slipped right out of him. The words didn't even linger in his mind. He just said them.

But now wasn't the time to cower.

"I want to be with you, Gyeoul." He repeated, bolder this time. "Will you accept my confession?"

Maybe he was wrong for saying it so crudely, but Jeongwon really didn't know how to say it any other way. Nor did he want to. He's been so evasive around her that he thought she deserved to finally get something direct from him. He wanted to try to be better. Not just for her, but for himself as well.

We must learn to be kind to ourselves first.

He had never thought about it that way before. He'd always heard of 'taking it easy' or not 'blaming himself' but never that. He didn't realize how true it rang. He was always so open to being kind to other people, so why can't he do it to himself? Did he hate himself that much? Why? Why—when so many people have told him that he deserved to be loved? When God Himself had made him, just as He had made the rest of His children?

He saw Gyeoul gulp, still shocked that he said it so directly. But after a while, he saw her nod. Jeongwon once again felt butterflies in his stomach, and he pulled her to his embrace once again.

She smelled distinctly of antiseptic and peppermint shampoo.

He held her closer, wanting to feel the warmth of her skin for the rest of his life. That moment, he promised he would never hurt her again. He would love her and be kind. He would be kind to her and himself from this day forward. He won't forget the pain of the past, for they were parts of him nonetheless, but he would try to look forward. He would try his hardest.

Jeongwon made many promises that day, silent ones that she'll probably never hear. But he'll make sure that she feels them. Every single one. His silent promises will never be unnoticed, for Jeongwon had decided to never leave her confused and anxious for the rest of her life. Every question will be answered, and every answer will be enveloped with the love he hoped to be able to give her.

He felt a sad finality to whatever it was they were going through together. He didn't know why he was sad, for he had wished for it to end a long time ago. The pain, confusion, anxiety, fear — he had hoped to quell it for so long. Now that it was over, now that they could finally start anew, he realized that it wasn't exactly sadness he was feeling. Sure, in part, it was. But he felt so much more than sadness right now. Anticipation, excitement, loss, pride, and a thousand more emotions flooded his very being.

As she relaxed in his arms, he heard his promises chime again — all he was willing to fulfill, for her, himself, and everyone else around him.

Jeongwon had never imagined that he would leave his office that night feeling like a better person.

But he did. And it was all thanks to her.