So I Accidentally Got a Harem Because of the Law, What Now?!

Chapter 1:

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures


A/N:

The quarantine kicks in.

Someone had to do it. It had to happen. It was only a matter of time (kudos to the most favorited fic here ever) before…

A stupid lemony shitfest shows up.

Rom-com gods, forgive me, for I have sinned (here's to hoping this isn't taken down).

Of course, this is all fiction. Characters will obviously be a little OOC, but I'll do my best to keep them intact. But then again, this is a stupid smut, so…

And again! This is a stupid crappy comedy smutfest, so if you're looking for some serious sappy romance, sorry bro.

And if you're an innocent kid just trying to enjoy the Oregairu fandom, you've come to the wrong place, heh, so please read the other fics here.

I recommend "Hikigaya Hachiman's Path to Reformation." (shout-out to Ivanov117)

I'll give y'all a minute to backtrack.

Now that the kids are out, let's begin.

And of course, I don't own Oregairu.

Enjoy my quarantine brain fart.


Today, April 1st, 2020, on NHK News, the Prime Minister of Japan, Shinzou Abe, announces the approval of the controversial Strategic Polygamy Bill winning by majority vote in the National Diet. The controversial bill legalizes polygamy given that the polygamous affair signs a legal agreement to produce offspring. Certain parental incentives and provisions are also included within the bill.

This is the Government of Japan's greatest and most forceful push against the declining birth rate and aging population of the country.

Many nations and sovereignties around the world are neutral of Japan's decision. However, monogamous religious entities, such as the Roman Catholic Church, Eastern Orthodox Church, and various other Christian denominations had expressed explicit admonishment of the decision. The Islamic Union, on the other hand, has expressed great interest in Japan's action.

Local Buddhist and Shinto organizations are divided on the decision, leaning slightly to the approval of the bill, thanks to the direness of the problem at hand. On the contrary, Japan's ethical panels are fully invested and supportive of the decision.

Social researchers, lawmakers, and population analysts around the world are watching closely, to determine the effectiveness of the bill, and whether or not it can solve Japan's greatest problem: their low birth rate and aging population.

Stay tuned on NHK News Japan.

What. The. Fuck.

What the actual fuck?! What is this?! Strategic Polygamy Bill? I thought this was a joke last week, and to be frank, everyone else most likely did too.

I bet they're all as equally skedaddled as I am right now. Well, not that much of an expression is showing on my face right now.

Oh goodness. And I thought normal normies were hard enough to deal with. But now I have to deal with normies with harems?!

No. No. Anything but that please. I'm already alone, if that happens, I'll end up being forced to be a eunuch by those stupid riajuus!

I looked down at my crotch area. No way, he's my best friend, my Excalibur. I'm not losing Hachiman Jr.™ for anything. Not even the law.

On the other hand, if I were to pursue my dream to become a househusband, then, theoretically, and I mean theoretically, I can get married to multiple women, and we can pool our income together, and I take care of the house while they all go do their own thing.

That sounds pretty good, except for one basic, obvious caveat.

Finding one wife would be hard enough. Multiple wives? Don't even think about it.

Well, maybe a few tweaks here and there…no. Forget about it. This is actually very bad news for me, now that I think about it.

All the pretty, capable, competent girls will flock to the handsome, capable, and competent guys.

And none of my 108 loner skills are even remotely conventionally attractive.

And, not to be sexist, but according to social norms and archaic gender norms, it's more likely for women to flock to men, rather than vice versa.

Therefore, there will eventually be a shortage of good women.

And where do I intend to go with this? This means that I, Hikigaya Hachiman, a painfully average male, will not be able to find a suitable mate.

The best I'll find is a subpar partner, but then again, there are attractive men out there with a fetish for below average-looking, below average-performing girls, so even those are out of the question.

Solving the birth rate problem, my ass— this is going to create a wife shortage! Mark my words, Shinzou Abe!

Then again, Shinzou Abe probably voted for this too, I bet lots of ara ara women are just waiting to pounce on his politically powerful posterior.

Speaking of conventionally attractive men, I bet Hayama's in for a crazy roller coaster ride. Well, that serves him right, for being so stuck-up, and blond, and handsome… and… blond… and a douche-bag-looking son of a rich man.

I actually feel bad for him now. He's practically being worshipped by thirsty, hormone-driven teenage girls. He'll be swarmed by multitudes, if not hordes of women, that's for sure.

Well, if my hypothesis on the behavioral model of high school teens is right, that is. I obviously lack any firsthand experience.

This has me thinking. I wonder if he does the deed? You know, the deed that strengthens your immune system (A/N: you'll need it during these trying times). You know, it's the acronym for "For Academic Purposes." It's the baton that rules over all the others, the "master" if you will.

He probably does. I don't care how rich and pretty-boyish he is. All teenagers go through that phase, unless you decided to shave your head and live as an ascetic monk, but suit yourself.

I'll bet good money he only faps—ehem, excuse me for my crude language—only trains his immune system to vanilla softcore content, and that he bursts in approximately 3 seconds. Heh.

I could feel my lips stretching into a grin that outside observers would most likely describe as creepy and disturbing.

Alright, alright, that's enough of bashing my self-proclaimed arch nemesis for now. I actually have to head to school now.

I groggily get up from the couch that I was monologue-ing on, and head to the bathroom to take a short morning shower.

I turn on one of my signature 108 skills: Autopilot. I let my mind drift away as my body dresses me.

As part of my routine, I check the clock, and seeing that I am actually running late, I do the most logical action to take next.

I give up.

I mean, if you're going to be late no matter how ungodly fast you try to reach school, then might as well cherish the slow commute. Take in the surroundings and appreciate the wonders of modern civilization that most people take for granted.

Ah, the sacred art of not giving a fuck, at this point it should be added into the paths of Buddhism. I feel such a cathartic release right now—

Oh, shit, the she-demon is our first subject today.

Fuck, I'm winging it.


Stay tuned on NHK News Japan.

I turn off the television after watching the re-airing of the controversial announcement and proceed to massage my temples. As an early riser, I had already watched the live broadcast in full, and yet, even as an entire mundane day has passed, it still has not registered within my mind.

How absurd, really.

While I certainly understand the gravity of the problem being addressed, and that this bill was formulated with and by the consultation with experts of various fields who are undoubtedly more knowledgeable than I, I can't help but feel perplexed that it would be taken this far.

However, that may just be my conservative worldview. Perhaps, logically, this is the most viable option.

I must reconsider. Perhaps I was being naïve, or uncreative. Or maybe I had been downplaying the weight of the problem even if I already placed much attention to it.

Whatever the reasoning may be, I am not in a position to make any drastic changes anyway. As an upstanding citizen of this country, it is in my best interest to comply with the law, provided that it is conducive to the betterment of this country.

This law is definitely that: conducive to the wellbeing of this country. As such, I obey.

That will not stop me from complaining, however. Freedom of speech allows me to express my grievances, at the very least.

Well, if anything immediate is going to come from this, it is most likely an amendment of mother's plans.

Although I have suggested certain partners to my mother, she is still not wholly convinced. And this law will most likely sway her decisions toward an unsavory outcome.

I do understand that now that I have proven my competence and worth through the promenade, I have much more sway in my mother's mind and heart. If she even possesses a heart, that is.

However, thinking about it, I will most likely become part of the harem of the son of some influential businessman. And I despise that. The mere thought of that makes me shudder. To not only be wed to a man I don't love, but also to have contemporaries beside me, it feels like an incredible degradation of my value as a woman.

I absolutely cannot allow that to happen. However, I know my mother will be difficult to budge.

However, if my mother is difficult to move, then I will be immovable. I know that now I need to learn to stand for myself on my own two feet, as they had taught me—As he had shown me.

I will absolutely not allow myself to be shipped away to some snobbish teenager's harem.

Well, with one very miniscule and unlikely exception.

On the slim chance that, perhaps, that man is available, then maybe, purely in theory, I will reconsider.

I don't mind having to share with Yui-san, anyway. She is very dear to me, after all. If I'm going to have a contemporary with me, then it might as well be her.

W-wait, this train of thought is preposterous! This is his fault. Yes, that must be it. His microbes are infecting me, and making my pristine mental faculties daydream about such… lascivious concepts.

If that were to be our setup, however, would he be content and happy?

A-ah! Yukino, get a hang of yourself. You are better than this, than… daydreaming about hypothetical three-way scenarios occurring between yourself, Yui-san, and—

My inner turmoil is interrupted my smartphone's ringing.

Upon registering my fingerprint on its scanner, I glance at the screen to determine the caller.

[Calling: Mother (1)]

It is my mother. I have many conjectures as to why she would call now this late into the night.

I tap on the screen on my phone to accept the call.

I hear my mother clear her throat. "Ehem. Yukino, my dear? Have you been informed of the latest news?"

"Yes, mother. I had just finished re-watching the announcement right now." I replied.

"That's great then! You see, there is something I wanted to tell you, regarding that announcement."

I feel my stomach lurch in horror. Even without explicitly stating it, my mother and I both know exactly what it is she wants to discuss with me.

As I anticipated, my mother's plans have most likely gone through a makeover. Although, what surprises me is the speed at which she had done this.

There are quite a few possibilities as to why she had accomplished remediating her plans this quickly, but there are two reasons that are the most probable.

The first is that she had a back-up plan, or that she knew of this beforehand and prepared accordingly. The second is that she does not have a back-up plan, but instead an extremely attractive opportunity has reached her whiskers, and that she is acting with immediacy in order to gain the advantage.

Either way, the ramifications of those reasons are very unsavory. I steeled myself, promising to remain firm and steadfast no matter what my mother demands from me.

As I try to internalize strength within me, my thoughts naturally gravitate toward the Service Club members: Yui-san, and…him.

I helplessly attempted to shake my thoughts away from him, but his image continued manifesting itself within my mind.

I remembered the words I'd said to him. Save me someday.

I remember his astonished face. I remember his bewilderment, and his widened eyes. I knew I had put him in a tough spot then and there, and yet, he responded beautifully.

I remember him responding to my touch, gently, and yet assuredly clutching the hand that I held his hand with.

It was such a subtle gesture, but it brought so much meaning. It brought me peace and strength.

I then remember his words to me after prom, as if they were a response to me. I want to burden you, Yukinoshita.

I will do anything in my power to protect what we have…to provide for him that genuine thing he desires.

I take a deep, controlled breath, and finally reply. "What is it, mother? I presume this pertains to my marriage plans?"

"Right on, dear. You see, what they announced publicly isn't the entire story. A lot of details are kept under wraps, and rightly so, as these details will invoke pressure from most countries around the world."

I shudder. The situation was worse than I had expected. "Then, mother, may I ask what these details are?"

"There are a lot, but I will mention the most important ones. First, there is a condition for eligibility. Second, the parental incentives are extremely ludicrous. This may well be lynchpin for our family."

"Please elaborate on the first one, mother."

"Ah, yes dear. Firstly, there is a condition for one to be eligible for legalized polygamy."

"… And what is that condition?"

"They have to be extremely fertile. They have to be the most virile of men and the most bountiful of women. Population biologists, psychoanalysts, and statisticians all around the globe have all recommended this. If anyone is to be polygamous, then it must be those who are potently fertile."

I nod. While it is rather unsettling, one cannot disagree with it on a purely scientific and logical standpoint.

"That is why, dear, the government conducted nationwide fertility tests on the citizens, to determine who those exceptionally fertile individuals are. This explains why government officials came to your school to take blood samples and other medical tests. These individuals shall then be given a polygamy license. Polygamy licensed individuals can now choose any number of mates and partners, so long as they produce a set amount of offspring corresponding to the number of partners they have."

I glance at the band aid on my arm. Government officials came to school earlier to perform medical tests on us, which confirms what my mother has told me.

It seems that despite the ridiculous nature of the law, it was actually thoroughly thought out.

"Now, secondly, the incentives are absolutely ludicrous. I do not believe I need to expound upon this any further, but just know, if you, or Haruno, join a harem, the family's position will be secured for generations to come. You'll have more than enough resources to provide for the entire harem on your own, with billions of yen to spare.

The government has pulled out all the stops this time, Yukino."

My heart sinks within my chest. If my instinct serves me right, my mother will most likely use me and my sister to avail of those incentives.

She seems steadfast in shipping us out to some fecund beast for power and wealth. I expected this much, but it still stings me to know.

"And here comes the part that I wanted to discuss with you, Yukino."

I brace myself.

"I pulled some strings yesterday to skim through the results, and sadly, none of the prospects I have prepared for you are eligible. Not even your friend, Hayato-kun. I always thought he was a healthy young man. It seems their standards are high."

Upon that revelation, I release a breath I did not realize I was holding. I am still apprehensive, however. There is still a very real possibility of my mother sending me to some filthy beast, so I could not fully relax yet.

And, mother, Hayama-kun is not my friend.

"However, your sister Haruno pointed out something." My mother continued.

Oh no, Nee-san is involved now. This will most likely take a turn for the worse.

"That a certain student at Sobu High is very much eligible. Top-standard, in fact, and he is someone both you and Haruno are well acquainted with, or at least that's what she said."

I furrow my brows at the statement. My thoughts wander to him again, but I quickly aborted that train of thought. There is no way… That's simply… wishful thinking… wishful… I… wish. I wish…

"This man, 'Hikigaya Hachiman,' Yukino, I want you to be his partner."

My mind goes blank.

"M-mother, b-but, that man…"

"Is there a problem? Haruno told me you were quite fond of him. And this is a first, but I actually believe her. He's the one you so vehemently defended from me, right? So what's the problem? Do you dislike him now?"

"N-no, it's not that, but he's a social outcast! It would be very difficult for him to be polygamous!" I obviously lie—it seems I have become quite capable of lying in front of my mother.

Yui-san is a blatant counterexample. I can list off a few others who harbor some degree of affection for him too, myself included.

"About that, the 'poly' in 'polygamous' means 'many,' right, Yukino?"

"Y-yes, mother." I was disconcerted, why would she bring this up now?

"And 'many' means 'plural,' right?"

"Of course, mother." I do not know what her point was with this. The absurdity of her questions helped me recollect my wit.

"And 'two' is plural, right? So with just two, he'll already be considered polygamous. With just two, we can already claim the incentives."

"B-but, who would that other person be, mother?" I ask. Again, I know a few individuals who are affectionate for him, but my mother isn't supposed to know that, unless Nee-san deliberately blabbered to her about Yui-san.

"Oh, you know her very well—"

Know her very well? My Nee-san most definitely blabbered about Yui-san. Well, if it's come to this, I can tolerate it, but I still need to defend Yui-san's point here. We need to talk this out thoroughly.

"—you share the same surname, after all."

What?

What is this foolishness? Don't tell me…no. My mother may be stoic and hedonistic up front, but she is absolutely obsessed with father. Father is out of the question, he is most definitely heterosexual. That leaves…

"Nee-san."

"Yes, Haruno. So with that, you two get to be wed to a gentleman that you both genuinely like, and the family gains the incentives. Of course, if Hikigaya-san wishes, it is alright if he procures more mates. The incentive is not dependent on the number of mates. However, for those matters, it would be better for you to talk it over among yourselves."

This really has taken a turn for the worse. I felt a migraine assault my scalp as the silliness of the situation was sinking in.

Although, even though I am not quite fond of Nee-san, she is still my sister. I could at least tolerate sharing with her. I think.

But, I will not let her get the upper hand on me this time. I will definitely get the lion's share.

I violently shake my head as if it would cleanse my mind of these thoughts.

I take a look at the wall clock, and upon seeing that it was already an unholy late hour, I feel drowsiness envelope my body, as if it was a spell.

My thoughts wander into vulgar territory, as I unwillingly flash in my mind glimpses of semi-incestuous three-ways between Nee-san, myself, and… that fertile beast.

Thinking about it, while I don't like the motivation behind it, this is the best possible scenario. It's truly a win-win, albeit with a few, negligible caveats.

Besides, my stamina is rather lacking anyway. He will be able to satisfy me first and then he and nee-san can have their turn after, while I'm passed out and don't have to see or hear their—

No! No! W-what am I thinking?! Pan-san shall surely chastise me for such impure thoughts.

This is definitely their fault, yes! Nee-san's sultriness and his virility are to blame! I am definitely a pure maiden, not at all a sexually frustrated woman! Right? Right… sexually… right? Sexual… is right? Sexual intercourse… is all… right?

I feel myself start to become lightheaded as the combined mental drain of my migraine, my self-denial, and my bewilderment took their combined toll on my body.

I ungracefully waddle toward my bedroom, and proceed to collapse freely on the soft bed.

"—Yukino? Well, I suppose you are quite sleepy at this time, but I will at least reiterate myself. I want you, and Haruno—who seems quite excited to be honest—to snag this 'Hikigaya Hachiman' fellow and join his harem at all costs. It's a win-win, if I do say so myself. Well, then, that is all for now. Rest well."

"Yes, mother. Rest well too." I force my vocal chords to say as I promptly end the call and toss my smartphone to the corner of the room.

The fuzziness in my head and the growing feeling of itchiness within my nether regions assault my vulnerable ethical faculties.

I feel a sudden urge to touch myself in the places that our science textbooks have designated as "erogenous," and my weakened, drowsy mind does not put up resistance.

My right hand wanders down into my crotch area, and I sense a warmth and wetness through the thin and flimsy cloth of my eveningwear.

Emulating what I learned through my unfortunate exposure to those accursed magazines, I started to stroke the area gently with my index and middle fingers.

A jolt of pleasure, like an electric shock, travels up my abdomen and tickles my heart as I feel the flesh of my breasts crave affection.

"Mmmph." With my unoccupied left hand, I squeeze my left breast, earning an unwomanly grunt from my voice box.

As all remnants of self-control go out the window, and as my lust steadily increases as the dopamine in my body peaks, I become rougher with myself.

All the sensual scenes I had tried to forget earlier where flashing vividly within my mind.

I imagine him, clad in his birthday suit, caressing me with vigor and strength as his warm lips hop around my neck and collarbones.

I imagine his member hanging threateningly from between his thighs, like an anaconda stalking its prey.

I imagine the hands caressing me to not be mine, but his.

These sensual delusions drive me to a new level of pleasure, and consequently, to a new level of desire.

Finally, I felt my breath hitch, and my heartbeat rise, as I brought my hand underneath my clothes to feel myself directly. Immediately my fingers are soaked in the mucous lubrication between my throbbing lower lips. My middle finger pokes at my entrance as my index finger massages what gynecologists call the most sensitive organ in the female body.

No. I can't do that. It needs to be him. It has to be him. He needs to be the first.

If I was the Ice Queen, then he needs to be the icebreaker: to enter the icy ocean, and to break it—

—to break me.

I felt myself letting go of all reason.

"Hi-hikigaya— no— H-hachiman! Ahn~"

Ah, Yui-san, Nee-san, it seems we're going to argue a lot about this, won't we?

Suffice to say, Yukinoshita Yukino did not get any good amount of sleep that night.


As I got to school, I blitzed through the gate at speeds previously thought impossible to reach on my old rusty grandma's bike. Then I promptly crashed it at the stands, locked it in 5 nanoseconds, and ran my sweaty, tired body all the way up to my classroom on the 4th floor.

That mad dash was so intense that I'd say I was quite impressed, if you ignore that fact that my body is begging for rest and clinging on to dear life.

I felt every relevant muscle in my body ache, especially my legs. I noticed the world slowing down around me as my quadriceps, hamstrings, and calves all simultaneously reached failure.

Taking this time to glance at a wall clock, I realized the futility of life.

All of this struggling only to receive a Saitama-level punch to the gut.

Why are we here? Just to suffer?!

I even went so far as to negate my own philosophy, just to fail all the same.

Well, if anything, it proves that my theory is correct. Life's a bitch. It doesn't give a shit about you, and you should learn to not give a shit back.

The first of the 8 pillars of Hachiman-ism: Thou shalt not giveth a fucketh nor a shitteth at thine world.

That sounds pretty good to me. I should mentally note that.

Having accepted my inevitable fate, and my inescapable destiny, I simply took this time to wipe away the dubious amounts of sweat on my face, arms, and legs. I rolled up my sleeves and pants and used the extra towel I brought with me to dry the perspiration on my skin.

I took a bottle of water I bought from a vending machine earlier and took greedy swigs of the blessed substance.

I walked slowly, providing my muscles the time to cool down, and for the blood on my face to subside, reverting my skin to its natural pale color, rather than the exhausted tomato red.

And, having achieved a state near to Nirvana, I held my chest high, and my pride dear, as I opened the classroom's sliding door.

I instinctively tensed my abdomen, waiting for the punch.

However, it never came. In its stead, was a stare; a very, very suggestive stare.

And no, it did not come from the she-demon, Hiratsuka-sensei, but from a foreigner; a new face.

"Oi, Hikigaya, you're late. Go line up with the boys at the back. You're all going to the infirmary."

"F-for what?" I replied, unsure of the situation.

"I don't know. It's government business. Probably has to do with that announcement."

I could sense the anger emanating from my sensei. That was understandable. After all, this bill isn't bad for just the sad high school loners out there, but also for the equally miserable Christmas cake women.

It's particularly bad for them—scratch that, it's especially bad for them, hence why my homeroom teacher is in a very hostile mood.

She probably thinks she's doing a good job hiding it, but too bad woman, nothing gets past me.

The foreign woman then took this chance to speak.

"Ara, it's a latecomer. Hikigaya-kun, was it? Then, allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Namahame Sukida-sensei, you can just call me Namahame-sensei, or better yet, Namahame-san. I am here on behalf of the government to perform certain information collection procedures required for the monitoring of the recent law I know you've all heard about."

You've got to be kidding me. Namahame Sukida? "I love raw sex"? Who the hell in their right mind would name their child like that?! I know the kanji used to write it must be different, but it still sounds so controversial!

This is shady! Too shady!

"And in case you are wondering, this is my real name. And again, if you were still wondering, this is how my name is written."

The class collectively gasped in horror as the woman sent by the government of all people wrote her name on the board.

生 ハメ 好きだ

(Namahame Sukida)

And sadly enough, it was written exactly the way "I love raw sex" would be. The grammar is iffy, but it's a name, and the meaning speaks for itself.

At this point, I'm pretty sure Shinzou-san is just winging it inside his office.

Wait, maybe she is one of the ara ara women after him? And she's running errands for him because she wants to minister to that prime posterior?

She certainly looks the part, with those weapons of mass destruction hanging from where her pectoral muscles should be located, along with an hourglass figure akin to the sculptures of the great Michelangelo Buonarroti.

And, she's got quite the posterior padding on herself too—Alright, that's it. I am not voting for you, Shinzou-sama. Not anymore.

I reluctantly prodded to the classroom's rear, intimidated by my fuming homeroom teacher and the overly stimulating ball of ara ara in front.

Raw sex-san spoke once more. "All right! Let's all go, boys, to the infirmary!"

She exited through the sliding door that I had just entered through, while the queue of male students exited through the back, earning very unprovoked and uncalled for glares from the female residents of our class.

In particular, I noticed Yuigahama glancing at me with a puzzling expression upon her face. She had been doing it the moment I slammed the door open earlier. I noticed more subtle looks from Ebina and Miura. As well as Kawasake… Kawasuki… Honda… Suzuki…

Kawasaki! Yes, her.

Yuigahama noticed that I caught her gaze, and her face comically flushed into a warm red blush as she frantically averted her gaze.

Oi, doing that just makes it obvious that you were looking at me, airhead.

However, our silent battle of stares had been cut short as the queue of males moved along enough for me to be outside of the room.

We all walked in an orderly, uniform single-file line as we marched like soldiers to the infirmary.

Now, this was not because our class was very disciplined or orderly, far from it, in fact. It was because of the intimidating men dressed in all black with bulging bundles of muscle that seemed to pop out of their clothes.

We were flanked on both sides by many of such men, and no high school student would be clueless enough to act silly right now.

Right, Tobe? Please don't do anything stupid, please! They might punish us all on behalf of "setting an example" or something.

Luckily, Tobe was silently minding his own business. Perhaps his bro instincts told him that these "bros" wouldn't appreciate it if he goofs around right now.

Upon reaching the infirmary, Namahame-san entered in first, and ushered in the first student in the queue to enter along with her.

I saw a quick glimpse of the inside of the infirmary as unnamed classmate A walked in, and I could tell that it had been reorganized for the purposes of this operation.

After a few minutes, unnamed classmate A eventually exited the classroom with a beet red face and moist eyes.

I'm not sure what could possibly warrant that reaction from him, seeing that I did not know him, but perhaps he was afraid of needles and could not handle the blood collection. Blood collection, after all, was an essential part in a health checkup.

After drones and drones of unnamed classmates got in and out, all of them subsequently looking embarrassed, I started suspecting that something was up.

Maybe there was an embarrassing survey you had to fill out? Or maybe the close contact with Namahame-san as she checked them up was enough to yield those expressions?

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed plausible. I, too, may end up flustered, not that the expression will linger on my face long enough for the outside world to see it, though.

Finally, it was Hayama's turn. He went in carrying that signature pretty-boy fake smile of his as we elegantly walked inside.

Tch. It's just a check up, do you really have to act like a celebrity now?

After a few minutes, Hayama exited the infirmary, not with the flushed expression that I was expecting, but with a melancholic, dejected visage.

What the hell? His outlier of an expression made me question my theory, but then again, maybe that's what he is, an outlier. And like any good statistician, you don't give a shit about outliers. Outliers make your probability computations a huge pain in the ass, anyway. Well, that isn't much coming from me, who am as good at solving those as a fish is at walking on land.

After a few more dull moments, finally, it was my turn. I can finally confirm the source of their embarrassment and call an end to this farce.

I walk into the room and see Namahame-san seated on an office chair in the middle of the infirmary. Behind her I see a large object that seems like one of those teleportation capsules in the shitty isekai novels I read.

She spoke up. "Ah, Hikigaya-kun. Okay. Blood type O. BMI… blah blah blah—enough of that."

She beckoned me to move closer by signaling with her hand.

"Let's check your blood pressure." She said as she moved very close to me. The close contact with such a bombshell of a woman brought heat up to my cheeks. Her ponytailed hair hung on one shoulder and exposed her neck and nape for me to see.

The deep-reaching cut of her shirt revealed a wonderful valley of bounty that brought blood rushing to a certain organ within my pants.

The seemingly thin fabric of her blouse allowed the straps and cups of her azure lingerie to be highlighted.

No biologically healthy teenage boy would be able to withstand such a barrage, no wonder my poor unnamed classmates A to Z were so flushed.

So I was right, then? But why the heck would Hayama end up looking like that?

Does he swing that way? I don't have anything against that, but within Japan's conservative community-oriented culture, that would be quite the revelation.

And that would probably give every teenage girl within Sobu a bout of grief and even some depression, or something.

But no, even if he was, there's still no reason for him to be that dejected, right?

I was so absorbed into my thoughts that I failed to realize that Namahame-san had finished checking my blood pressure, and was now preparing to get a blood sample from me.

I don't really mind needles, they just prick you a little bit and then it's all over. So I continued my investigative soliloquy.

Maybe Hayama was disappointed with himself? That seems plausible. It is a health check up, after all. You get to know your weight, or something.

Maybe he's following a strict diet and he got fat? That would be funny.

Yes, that must be it. Golden boy over there must be insecure about something. I mean, he feels inferior to me, of all people, he must have something he doesn't like about himself.

"Okay! You took that really well, Hikigaya-kun." Namahame-san said as she cleaned up the wound and covered it with a band-aid.

"I'm not particularly scared of needles." I answered truthfully.

"Oh, how manly!" She exclaimed as she directed another inappropriately suggestive stare toward me.

I gulped.

"Now, for your measurements, please stand on this instrument, it will measure your height and weight simultaneously." She then led me to the portal-looking apparatus behind her.

She was very touchy-feely, and helped me up the step by placing her hands on my chest. I felt her warm, soft hands apply a pressure that was rather unfitting for just helping someone up a ramp, as if she was trying to cop a feel.

She smirked at me. "Try not to squirm too much, okay? So that we can get a good reading."

The machine buzzed for a few seconds, and just like that, it made a clicking sound as Namahame-san looked at her laptop to see the results.

"175 cm, 58 kg, you're a bit lanky, but great!" She squealed. She seemed to be more excited for this than I am.

"And now, we can finally get down to business. Take off your pants, please."

I must have misheard her. She must have been mumbling to herself. Yes, she definitely was.

I head to the door, completely ignoring the voluptuous woman beside me.

"H-hey! Wait! Didn't you hear me?!"

"Unless you were mentioning something about me undressing, then I have heard all that you said." I answered her matter-of-factly.

"So you did hear me!" Namahame-san said as she pouted in a cute manner unbefitting of her stature.

"…So you were serious?" I said, as the sad cynic within me finally succumbed to the inevitability of fighting reality. Namahame-san simply gave me a curt nod in response.

My brain went on overdrive. Why the hell do I need to undress? It's just a health checkup pertaining to that bill, right? And as far as I know, all of my relevant physical parameters had been measured. What more does the government need to implement this bill?

Okay, let's backtrack. The bill is the Strategic Polygamy Bill—or law, rather, which it is now at this point.

Strategic Polygamy, created to counter the declining birth rate.

Birth rate. Birth. Pregnancy. Conception.

Conception. Procreation. Pen—

Oh. Oohh.

And then and there, like a flash of lightning, I received an epiphany.

The answer to all of this was lying beneath my pants, between my legs. It was my dormant Jormungandr.

My Excalibur, sheathed within the cozy confines of Avalon, aka my black slacks.

This explains why my classmates A to Z had exited this facility with crimson cheeks.

And, there is a certain scenario that justifies and explains golden boy's deflated expression.

If my theory is right, then he doesn't swing that way at all. Hayama is straight as a rod. Too bad that's the only rod associated with him that will even be remotely straight.

Heh.

Ah, crap, I'm giggling again. This is bad. I need to focus on the situation at hand.

Despite all the pieces of this mental puzzle settling onto place, there is still one thing that confuses me.

"Okay, I understand now. However, why do I need to undress in front of you? Isn't there a less invasive way to do this? Can't we measure ourselves in privacy?"

Namahame-san inhaled. After pondering for a few seconds, she answered me. "Well, you can, but then the validity of the measurement will become questionable, Hikigaya-kun~. That's a no-no for statistics, you knooow~?

She placed her arms beneath her flesh-balloons, as if trying to push them upwards in an attempt to emphasize them. Not that they need any more additional emphasis, I think.

"If I left it up to you boys, then this list over here on my laptop would be filled with 10-inchers and above. When in reality, the largest measurement so far had only been 6. And it was Totsuka-chan, surprisingly!"

…Fuck. Totsuka's a 6? He's a sixer?

Ah shit. I did not need to know that. I mean, I know my dear holy exalted angel Totsuka-sama is indeed a boy, but I was willing to bypass that barrier for the sake of true love.

But now that my lord and savior Totsuka-sama is a sixer, then I suppose it will not be that easy to ignore a certain appendage.

What if he wants to stick it there? Oh god. This is going to turn me weird. I have to maintain my anointed bodhisattva's mental chastity! Such is the second pillar of the 8 pillars of Hachiman-ism: Thou shalt not lewdeth the trap.

But still, 6 full inches, eh? It doesn't sound like much, but as a Japanese person, that's rather impressive.

I mean, my Longinus isn't short or small by any means, but then again that may just be personal bias. He is my comrade in arms, after all. Still, the nagging feeling of being below average is gnawing at my already depleted self-esteem.

I heaved a considerable sigh. I can't believe I had just been logically coaxed into stripping my pants and showing my manhood to an ara ara woman.

"Fine then. Let's make it quick. Don't blame me if you're disappointed. Also, since you already told me who had the largest measurement, mind if you tell me the smallest?"

The piping hot woman responded with closed eyes and a pout. Frankly, I'm starting to get concerned at how loose-lipped this woman is with supposedly private information. "Oh, surprisingly, again, it was Hayama-kun. I don't really want to disclose the exact value per se, but it's below 4, so yeah…"

Fortissimo. Well, whatever that means. I was exactly on the spot.

Now I'm starting to think that Hayama doesn't actually do the deed. I mean how can he—

Ah no no. It's 2020, for Pete's sake. Gone are the days that we disparage a man for his outward appearance. I should know; I've been there before.

I won't bully him for it. As a fellow victim of physical-appearance-based harassment, I am not fond of ridiculing others for their bodies and whatnot.

But considering this is Hayama…

This…this does put a smile on my face.

Well, that investigation is done, for all its worth. I guess it's my turn to be measured.

With great reluctance and timidity, I unclasped my belt. From the corner of my vision, I swear I saw Namahame-san giggle.

What? She hasn't even seen it yet! Or does she have a sixth sense that approximates the size of men? Creepy, but for a JAV-eligible woman like her, I suppose it's simply fitting.

I undid the button on my pants, and zipped them open. Upon loosening these constraints, I pushed my pants down and away from my iliac crests, where they hung.

Gravity went to work, and my pants slid down almost eagerly to the floor.

Namahame-san giggled again, more noticeably this time.

Ah, this must be karma for poking fun at Hayama in my head.

And now, I simply pulled my boxers down, and there Hachiman Jr. ™ was.

He wasn't completely excited, but he was for a bit. If I were to put a number on it, it would be around 40% erect.

"Kyaaaaaah~!" I heard a banshee-esque gasp from my companion.

"Oh. My. Shinzou!" What the fuck was up with that exclamation?!

"AS I THOUGHT, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY HUGE!"

What? "As I thought"?! She was expecting this?!

Maybe…she wasn't an ara ara woman after boss Shinzou after all.

Maybe she was an ara ara woman after me.

At the very least, that explains all those coy caresses and lewd stares. Gosh, I feel so dumb right now. How could I have missed those cues?

"I could sense it, ever since you opened the door—NO! Before that, even! I could smell the musk emanating outside the room. A musky scent that only the most fertile and hung men would possess."

So that's why her name is like that. Crap.

She stood up, slowly, sultrily, sensually. She eyed me like an eagle scouting its prey. She licked her lips in provocative fashion as she inched closer to me.

My tired legs had stopped listening to me ages ago. I was paralyzed.

"I could pass you right now. I could make you eligible for polygamy right now, and join your harem, but unfortunately sensei here needs to stick to protocol." She said, cooling down.

She glanced at her laptop, seemingly paying extra attention to my first name displayed brightly on the screen.

"Ara ara, 'Hachiman,' eh, written with the kanji for the god of war (八幡神). All is fair in love and war, they say, so it makes sense for the god of war to be hung enough to satisfy the god of love."

She squinted at me as she continued.

"Although, even if 'Hachiman' was written with the kanji for eighty-thousand, that would make sense too (八万). Perhaps you alone could produce eighty-thousand healthy new babies for Japan. If you do so, then we will never forget your…service."

This woman is too witty for her job. Does she exist to make innuendos out of everything? Like how her name is?!

She pulled out a modified measuring device from the drawer. It looked like a mix between a caliper and a tape measure.

"This device measures both length and girth. So, why don't we get your not-so-little friend there woken up so we can get an accurate reading~."

She was in the motion of pulling out a magazine from the same drawer, but she paused abruptly, as if she came to a realization.

"Ne, sensei here thinks it would be suuuch a waste to have you erect yourself over magazines like this, when she could simply give you some firsthand job experience."

Referring to herself in third person? Check. Disguising a sexual innuendo as a witty pun? Check.

Yup, we have ourselves a sexually excited ara ara woman here. Bravo!

"Nope. Absolutely not happening."

"Ara ara—" Ah, it's her signature phrase again. She's serious.

"—did I say you had a choice?" She said as she stood up again, with the Excaliber ruler in hand, and strutted over to me in a catwalk that reminded me more of a tiger hunting than a cat walking.

This is bad, I can't believe I'm going to get firsthand job experience from an ara ara woman! No! But…actually yes. But no!

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Just as I was supposed to make a dash for the sliding door, said door slid open with violent fervor as a lab-coat-clad walking Christmas cake burst through, fuming hot with plumes of sheer concentrated spite.

Ah, two adult women aiming to kill me in one day. One lewdly, one physically.

It seems the rom-com gods have deemed me unnecessary and decided to eliminate me in a pincher attack. I applaud you, gods. It is my loss.

"Get your hands of my quarry, you man-eating hag!" My homeroom teacher screamed.

Oh, so she's on my side? I don't really like that reasoning, but beggars can't be choosers, right? You can't complain when granted your dues ex machina.

"Shut up, what right do you have over him, virgin gorilla?!" The ara ara woman hissed back.

"Grrr. He's mine. It should be obvious by that dangling thing, but he's damned eligible, and I got first dibs, you sag-breasted cow!"

"My my, how derogatory, but then again that is only to be expected from an unfeminine barbarian!"

At that, I tuned out my ears to protect my sanity from being tainted by the ridiculous exchange. The two femme fatales where preoccupied with each other, so I took it as a cue to finish this thing up myself.

Namahame-san and Hiratsuka-sensei were gripping each other's hands, mutually trying to pin the other, so I had free access to all of Namahame-san's measuring apparatuses, as well as her laptop.

I glanced at the laptop to see that the cell for "size," "seminal fluid amount," and "seminal fluid quality" under my name where all unfilled.

I saw a small shot glass-sized plastic container beside the measuring apparatus that Namahame-san, as well as a lewd magazine poking through the slightly opened drawer of the table.

A Shibuya Kaho compilation, well, this ought to do the job.

Time to put matters into my own hands, literally.

I glanced to the side and saw Hiratsuka-sensei slowly gaining the upper hand over Namahame-san. I need to be quick.

I opened the magazine and proceeded to pump my paraphernalia. The controlled, practiced movements of my right hand soon got my partner 100% upright. I fiddled with the measuring device, and eventually managed to get a reading on myself.

Not bad—if I do say so myself. I'm over twice the current largest measurement at 12 and 7/8 inches. My girth is a solid 6 and 4/8. I guess my Jormungandr really was quite big, personal bias or not. I silently typed the measurement in on the laptop, and as a loner with no reason to impress anyone, I inputted the actual value I measured with full integrity.

As a seasoned veteran, I was able to bust out a load without creating even the faintest of sounds, and placed it in the plastic container labeled "Hikigaya Hachiman," and promptly closed it since the two thirsty women behind me may catch a whiff of it.

I slowly and sneakily tiptoed to the exit of the infirmary, making sure to follow a path in the blind spots of the two lionesses. Good, I managed to make it past them.

All that was left was for me to silently exit the room, and all is well. So, slowly, I pushed the sliding door open.

CREAK!

And of course, the capricious rom-com gods denied me their favor.

Promptly, the two female H. sapiens' have placed themselves between me and freedom. In a surprisingly coordinated fashion, they each placed one hand on each of my shoulders, anchoring me on the spot.

There was no point in struggling. Like the nihilist that I was, I simply accepted my fate.

"Ara? Just where are you going, Hikigaya-san?"

"Oi, we're not yet done here, Hikigaya."

Namahame-san turned to her desk and saw that I had taken the liberty of measuring myself.

"Hmm? So you've measured yourself, eh? That just won't do, Hikigaya-san~. This is a government mandate, we have to follow the protocol you knooow~."

"And I am here as your advisor to supervise you."

Ugh. Their excuses are so blatantly false that they should just come out and say it. They don't have to prolong my suffering.

"Yes, so, we're going to have to do all the measurements all over again~."

"…Uhm, how about the other students?"

"What are you talking about Hikigaya? You're the last one. Why do you think I'm here?"

Uhm, because you're a thirsty Christmas cake?!

The two women firmly guided me to the seat that I occupied earlier, but not before Namahame-san swiftly disposed of my pants.

Hiratsuka-sensei had a subtle blush on her face, but she was not looking away. Perhaps she viewed this as her last chance at getting any meaningful sexual relationship.

The boxer that I had just recently pulled down, and then up, had been pulled down again. This time, Namahame-san pulled it all the way off and tossed it to a godforsaken corner of the room.

There my junior sat, within the cozy confines of the space between my thighs.

Namahame-san's expression was sultry and predatory, while Hiratsuka-sensei's was embarrassed, but resolute.

Namahame-san moved slightly to my left leg and kneeled, while Hiratsuka-sensei kneeled to my right leg.

The sheer absurdity of the situation, coupled with the wonderful sensations of their mammary glands on my knees brought blood back to my limp partner.

With unmatched ferocity and excitement, my son-maker woke up and stood in all its near 13-inch glory.

"Ara, even I might not be able to handle something like this~." Namahame-san said as she started stroking my 5th limb with masterful movements.

This woman, despite not having a junior herself, she's good.

No one can beat my right hand at beating my meat though.

As if sensing my thoughts, Namahame-san changed her tempo, her grip, and the amount of pressure she applied. She deliberately squeezed near the top, making sure each of her fingers thoroughly slid through the boundary between my head and my shaft, which was hyper sensitive.

Hnggh! Alright, alright, she's better. Geez.

I felt my self-control start to fade away as I did my best to stay sane.

However, why was I so against this? I mean, I don't care about social norms and whatnot, and what we're doing isn't illegal. If anything, because of that new law, this is as legal as it gets, if you want to be pedantic about it.

Why?

I glanced at the women kneeling in front of me. They wouldn't have gone so far if this was something against their will. They wouldn't have actively gone after me if they had not consented to this, right? If anything, I'm the victim here.

But, then again, this isn't much different from free food. It's just lewder and way more satisfying, I guess.

More importantly, I don't really have a choice, do I? Isn't it my specialty to just not give a fuck?

That's true. I should just enjoy this—consequences be damned.

As I thought that, all sense of rebellion within me died down, and I spread my legs further as if to emphasize my rod proudly.

The two women noticed this, and Namahame-san's eyes gained an even more dangerous glint to them, while Hiratsuka-sensei's were clouded.

Namahame-san's masterful pumping was bringing me to my climax. This was it, this was the boundary.

The moment I let go of that sweet nectar, is the moment I'd have accepted my fate in fullness.

I think back to my past. I think back to my damned confession to that disingenuous nice girl.

I think back to all the things that I've suffered—and what I learned from them.

I think back to the…Service Club. I think about them.

I think back to my ridiculous request for that genuine thing.

I look down to this ridiculous fantasy-esque scenario unfolding before me. Was this genuine? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

What would this law, this new status quo, mean for us? For our pursuit of this genuine thing?

Well, only one way to find out, and that's by trying this stupid harem shit for a change.

Splurt.


Well, now that that's done, read, review, and enjoy (?)

I hope the many Japanese puns littered here haven't confused you too much, I'm currently studying the language and using it for…productive reasons, ahe.

This may be a one shot, maybe not. It depends on the mysteries of the universe! And how determined Japan is in solving this problem.

Well, see-ya-nara!