So I Accidentally Got a Harem Because of the Law, What Now?

Chapter 2:

The Early Bird Catches the Worm; the Early Girls Catch the Birdie (Part 1)

A/N:

Still remember this? You don't? Good.

The universe has revealed itself to me, showing me mysteries beyond my comprehension. As its apostle it is my duty to reveal them to you as well; namely the fact that smut is universal and eternal.

Haha. Sike.

Well, I know these are hard times, so might as well complement it with a hard-on.

And a laugh.

Again, I don't own Oregairu. If I did I wouldn't be writing this stupid thing.

Edit: Btw Oregairu S3 is out and I'm so stoked. Opening is golden as usual.

Charlie had always wanted to be a soldier.

His grandfather fought in World War 2. He looked back fondly to the times his grandfather told him his tales of valiant combat back then. His grandfather was a tough cookie right to the very end, where he was buried in a cemetery right next to his heroic comrades.

Consequently, his father became a commander and fought during the late years of the Vietnam War and was even sent to the Middle East, and he remembered emotionally welcoming him back home after his deployments.

Charlie was firmly set on a path that would succeed them, until the US Marines thought it would be funny to send some troops to Japan for an "allied operation."

Said allied operation involved running petty errands for the Japanese government: body-guarding, escorting, providing security. Charlie would rather be shooting terrorists than babysitting politicians. But alas, all they ever did was basic and boring stuff.

Well, that was until the Japanese officials went from somewhat weird to straight-up deranged.

Now, Charlie was a full-blooded patriotic American. He loved his daily dose of freedom and particularly freedom of sexual relations, but even he had to admit this new law was simply bonkers.

All of Charlie's squad mates were equally stunned. His captain, commanding officer, and operation general were simply left speechless. It didn't help that orders from back home were to "cooperate in full capacity." In other words: "just let them be, fuckers."

Well, to that kind of logic Charlie couldn't help but concede. Short, sweet, and to the point; that's how Charlie operated. If that was the order, then there was nothing else for him to add.

Now if only the government official his squad was tasked in guarding was normal.

To say she was… eccentric was a vast understatement. It was the most underperforming understatement in the history of understatements.

She was a walking, talking, copulating amalgamation of sexual energy. The moment his squad was assigned to her, she immediately seduced and subsequently tamed their team captain.

That was no easy feat. Their team captain was the epitome of masculine fidelity, with a heavily religious background.

34 years of fervent and pious abstinence, gone just like that.

At first their squad was elated. What kind of grown, testosterone-riddled soldier of a man wouldn't want a taste of some Japanese abalone, right [1]?

Well, his boss was no abalone. She was the fucking Kraken, and them some extra.

She sucked everyone in his squad dry as if she was trying to give them micronutrient deficiencies. Of course, he was one of the victims. He couldn't help but be ashamed by the fact that it wasn't the terror of combat that gave him PTSD, but a woman's mad hip undulations.

Who could blame him? He had already unloaded 13 times and she was still going, murmuring something along the lines of, "ara ara, another one of them broke~."

Sadly, Charlie had developed erectile dysfunction after the ordeal, as did most of his team. Their flesh rods had been thoroughly broken; their souls utterly consumed.

One poor chap even suffered a penile contusion. Or to rephrase: his junior™ broke, literally.

Let us offer a moment of silence.

So when Charlie opened the sliding door of the infirmary and saw the scene before him, his heart was filled with overwhelming admiration for one man.

Quite peculiar, really—you had one 6-foot-7, 260-pound muscular behemoth staring in admiration at some scrawny school kid with his flesh sword unsheathed with two milk-splashed women unconscious at his feet.

The universe tended to operate in incomprehensible ways.

Charlie was teary-eyed. The monster witch that had been plaguing his team for months now had been slain. The evil man-eater that gave him and his pals erectile dysfunction was now thoroughly defeated and unconscious on the floor, covered with the glorious white nectar of victory.

He glanced briefly at his hero's son-maker. Perhaps the only thing that could have ever defeated the man-eating Kraken was the maiden-devouring Moby-fucking-Dick.

Charlie then looked at his benevolent savior's face, which was strained with fatigue, yet stalwart all the same. The only soldier he could liken him to was the legendary Desmond Doss [2]. Such was the extent of this young man's heroic deeds.

Charlie remembered the phrase every soldier would have wanted to hear from the President's mouth:

"…has distinguished himself conspicuously by gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty." [3]

Surely this soldier before him was worthy of such an award.

"Above and beyond the call of duty… so this is what that means. Sasuga young man!" Charlie said [4]. His heart was about to burst with the wonderful emotions within.

He took a few deep breaths, re-swore his allegiance to the flag, and mentally noted to mention this man's heroism to his superiors.

"I will make sure you are awarded the Presidential Medal of Honor you deserve, brave sir!" Charlie shouted as he mustered his most heartfelt and reverential salute, seemingly forgetting that in the first place the man before him was neither American nor a soldier.

But Charlie believed that honor transcended boundaries.

I still have much to grow as a soldier, and as a man. Salute to you, brave and… large, powerful man. Charlie thought as he silently compared the sizes of their flesh rifles within his mind.

…

Days later, Charlie miraculously recovered from ED.

…I am utterly ashamed.

It seems in my frustration and confusion I have engaged in very… salacious activities.

I felt my face heat up as I glanced at my eveningwear scattered haphazardly on the floor. I instinctively reach out to my nightstand for my mobile phone, only to realize that it wasn't there.

Ah, I recall that it was tossed to some obscure corner of my room. How embarrassing.

However, the most embarrassing facet of this situation was the fact that I lay completely disrobed on my bed, and that I could feel a distinct, viscous wetness at the spot of my bed below my waist.

I refuse to believe that I am what those accursed magazines call as a "squirter."

It is infuriating what that man makes me do. Or rather, what he makes me desire.

I'll admit that I do feel affection for him, and that our current arrangement is likely the best possible scenario—I wouldn't dare be too greedy lest my mother change her mind—but still proper decorum is to be expected.

I wouldn't want to come across as a needy, clingy woman. Even though deep inside, a certain portion of me does desire dependence.

Source: me.

… Ugh. I can't believe I am even thinking like him right now. How unacceptable.

Then again it was because of him that I was able to grow out of my shell of thickly-veneered dependence, and that I could stand on my own two feet.

Yes, that's it. Let us approach this situation with hopefulness and prudence, so that I may provide for him the genuine thing he desires.

But at this point even I am searching desperately for that genuine thing. No matter, we should just figure it out together.

As for this incident, let's just say it was an impulsive decision. Yes, for the sake of my sanity and decency.

But would that be genuine, to cover up the true reason…?

Whatever, I feel that I am over-thinking this. It's not like I am holding back my impulses that have accumulated throughout the years of my sheltered upbringing, right?

It disconcerts me to realize that I am completely clueless in terms of matters like these. I am nothing but a confused, stuttering mess.

Haaah. For the first time in my life I wholeheartedly wish that I had just read those articles in those suspicious tabloids.

I will just rethink this matter at another time. I have to head to school soon.

In the meantime, I will just leave the memory of last night's incident to languish in oblivion. I should tidy up and remove all of the evidence.

I stood up and wrapped a bathrobe around myself as I dislodged the bed sheet and folded it neatly as I placed it in a laundry basket. I collected my silk nightgown, with visible stretch tears on it, and placed it in the same basket.

Lastly, I located my shameful, fluid-soaked panties and tossed them directly in the washing machine after deliberating whether to incinerate them or not. I simply couldn't stand its filthy existence.

What an impure woman I have become, goodness.

After a few moments of searching, I located my smartphone beneath my cabinet in the far corner of the room. Luckily, it doesn't seem to be damaged. The cat-themed silicone case I bought for it has done its job. Such excellence is only to be expected from any cat-related piece of merchandise.

Placing my finger upon its scanner once more, the phone's screen promptly lit up and indicated to me that it only had less than 15% battery charge remaining.

I had around an hour before I had to leave for school, so I plugged it to its fast charger in hopes to have it fully charged when I commence my commute.

However, there was a peculiar notification on the screen.

[Messages: Haruno-nee-san (1)]

Once more, I tapped the notification to read the message.

It read:

"Ne Yukino-chan~~ how are you? Don't go to school today. We have something to discuss 3 UWU. I'll be at your apartment by 9."

I shivered. It seems the time has come.

…I should probably launder all the embarrassing pieces of clothing from last night.

What happened?

Confused, I looked around and saw that I was seated in the infirmary. It seems that the nurse is out, seeing as there is no one on her desk.

However, an expensive laptop was atop her desk. Now now, I don't want to come off as jaundiced, but I don't think the school nurse can afford a Macbook Pro Max SE 2020 Lite Retina Air 3 [5].

I think.

Another abnormality caught my attention. There was this comically huge portal thing at the corner of the room, and now I was sure something was wrong. Did I forget something? Come to think of it, my legs had felt chilly since I woke up.

And this chair is surprisingly cold against my pants. Almost as if I was sitting on it with my bare arse. And why can I feel that my pen is touching the seat as well [6].

Wait. D-don't tell me…

I looked down.

Oh. Oh shit.

Yeaah, that happened, didn't it? Well, nothing to do with me, haha.

Haha. So, where the hell are my pants?!

I panned my vision across the room in an attempt to locate my slacks, trying my damned hardest not to stare at two… let's say wasted women.

Yes, they're definitely just wasted.

I turned towards the sliding door and saw one of Tobe's huge "bros" saluting at me.

W-what the fuck?! What the hell are you doing?! Stop making this FUBAR situation even worse!

What the hell was I even thinking? Actually, what the hell was anyone even thinking? What's wrong with these women? What's wrong with this man?!

What's wrong with me?!

The huge bro eventually stopped saluting. I reckon he'd been saluting for more than 5 minutes, fucking madman.

Yes, yes, be the bigger man here and do something normal, like arrest these women who took advantage of an innocent high school boy like me.

Though, from an outsider's perspective, it definitely looks the other way around. Tch, gender norms.

Will he arrest me? At least let me bid Komachi my tearful, emotional farewell, please?

But to my relief, and at the same time, bafflement, the man just muttered something in English and walked away.

He just walked away.

Heh, if Tobe were here right now, he'd probably say, "Bro, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"

Or maybe he'd call the Chiba Police Department and JSDF on me since I have my homeroom teacher and a government official completely wasted on the ground.

As the man walked outside, I noticed that beneath his right shoe was a certain black piece of clothing.

…

Wait. Those seem familiar.

…Those are my pants?!

"Bro"! Come back "bro"! Don't drag it further out!

But alas, my mental pleads for help were futile. The huge man disappeared from sight, with my pants still looped around his right foot.

It was at that moment that I also spotted my boxers. Guess where they were.

Haha, on the curtain hanger, of course! That meant I had to climb up all commando in front of the window in broad daylight just to dress myself back up!

I could close the curtains yes, if only they weren't made of the thinnest fabric known to mankind. Is this medical gauze?

Haaaaaaaaaaaah. Haha. Hahaha. I released perhaps my most sardonic and dry chuckle as I futilely tried to grasp this situation in my head.

This is going to be a long day.

Good. I have laundered all of the evidence.

I have washed and dried them in my dual-purpose machine and now they are inconspicuously hanged outside on the balcony to dry.

Of course I had pulled down the rain cover on the balcony, not to block out any rain, but to prevent outsiders from catching a glimpse of my innerwear.

All in all, I'd declare this appropriate. The only things left are the preparation of tea and for me to take a short shower. It is currently 8:45 in the morning right now, still early, but already 15 minutes within class hours.

I had already notified my class representative and advisor through LINE that I would be absent for the day, my reasoning being a "family emergency." I had also sent a text to Hiratsuka-sensei and Yuigahama-san that I would not be able to attend club, obviously due to my absence.

Yuigahama-san said that they'll hold the club in spite of my absence, and I reluctantly permitted her to do so. I just hope she doesn't lose the key.

As for him well, I'm not exactly in the right headspace to converse to him right now, even though we had already exchanged contact information after the promenade.

I… I never really got to confessing to him after the prom, did I? Even after all he did to reach out to me… [7]

No matter, baby steps, Yukino, baby steps.

Someday, I'll finally press on forward and declare my feelings for him; only that there is one big legislative problem.

Yes, this whole harem dilemma. While last night I may have acknowledged it last night, I will credit that to drowsiness. Now fully rested, I have reconsidered the situation at hand, and it is simply ridiculous.

I'm starting to think this whole situation is a political stunt.

"Well, that's because it is, Yukino-chan." Uh-huh. It does seem so. Wait, what?

I turned to the source of the foreign voice. It was Nee-san, who was in the process of removing her shoes. As far as I know she wasn't an esper, so it appears that I have adopted yet a few more of his bad habits: thinking out loud and spacing out, not being aware of his surroundings.

I felt a desperate need to glare at him and his rotten fish eyes right about then.

"Nee-san. How did you get in?" I replied with an inquiry.

"Spare key." Oh. So she is that serious, isn't she? My Nee-san, despite all her eccentricities, at least respects the privacy of my apartment—most of the time. But she had brought the spare key reserved for my family. That is a tacit declaration that she will by all means have this talk.

And judging by her first statement, an affirmation of my theory, there likely is something that she has to tell me.

"What do you mean by this being a political stunt?" I asked.

"I meant what I meant." My sister monotonously answered as she neatly hung her coat on my coat hanger and placed her bag on the sofa. She continued. "Thinking about it, was this really the best way to solve this problem?"

She looked at me. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? [8] So why do they have to resort to this? I've used mother's connections and I learned that there are more effective ways to solve our crisis for a fraction of the cost and controversy, namely an aggressive immigration campaign, or even mandatory child-rearing—though less ethical, not that this implementation is ethical—and many more. If they were truly acting on desperation, this would not be their course of action. It's almost as if they were trying to achieve multiple things with one action; almost as if they're shaking the entire status quo to separate out the weeds."

…Shrewd, very shrewd. I always knew Nee-san was a sharp individual. After all, I had always been in her shadow. But with how she keeps acting around other people, and especially to me and my acquaintances, it's easy to forget that fact.

"To put it simply, this is a publicity stunt. There's some moving and shaking within the National Diet, maybe Shinzou-san is trying to achieve something deeper." She then took a seat on my sofa.

"Mother seems to have caught on the advantages this would bring to our family." She said. "And she plans to use us to that end. Not just you and me, but even father."

I stared at her.

"Oh. No, she won't force him to become a gigolo or something, but she's asking him to run for higher positions." She clarified.

I inhaled. "So… are the incentives really as extravagant as she mentioned them to be?"

Nee-san replied. "Yes, but that's only in our case. A public individual at best would receive tens of thousands of yen and other privileges, but it's nothing major. For our family however, if we were to join in on this harem business, we'd be declaring ourselves as allies of some deep-pocketed individuals. That's where the billions of yen come in."

I prodded once more. "Who are these deep-pocketed individuals?"

She answered. "I have no idea. All we know is that they are the ones whose side we need to be on, and that they're not Japanese."

"How are we so sure we'll be on the right side of history?"

"Well, for all her flaws, has mother ever been wrong when it comes to politics?"

"Fair point." Nee-san smiled at my concession.

"Well now—"

Nee-san took a deep breath as she sipped her cup of tea.

"—To the juicy stuff! Let's discuss how we're going to ensnare Hikigaya-kun and have him join us into his harem!"

Apparently serious talk was over. She has reverted into her other fake persona.

However, I still had one question. "I thought we were giving up on that?"

"I never said that, you knoow~. Just because we know what's happening doesn't mean we can do anything about it. In any case, even after an entire night of mulling it over, this really is the only thing, and safest thing, that we can do. We should just trust Shinzou-san."

"…" I reiterate: Nee-san is smart, despite her comportment. If she had spent the entire night thinking about it, then I have nothing else to add.

"Besiiides, is hooking up with Hikigaya-kun really that bad? If it were up to me, I would just gobble him up!" She jokingly said. Or at least I hope she was joking.

"Nee-san."

"Ho-hoh? Getting possessive aren't we? Ah! Didn't you have a really sweet time arguing over and eventually making up after the prom? Oh? Are you perhaps already in a seeecreet relationship? Do tell~."

"W-we are in nothing of the sort!"

"Hoh? Then is it alright if I take him all for myself then? You can just be included into the harem by name, and nothing more~."

"N-no! T-that's unfair!" I uncharacteristically growled. The moment those words excited my mouth, I gasped as I covered my lips with my hands.

Nee-san didn't reply immediately, she simply smiled while looking toward the sliding door to my balcony.

What could she be so fixated on—

"I see. I see. Panties don't lie after all, do they?" She said, motioning to my panties which were visible through the glass of my balcony doors.

—oh.

"…"

"You sure had fun last night, didn't you? Did the news get you too excited?"

"…" I refused to humor her. No matter what I say it would only be my loss.

"Heeh, silent treatment, huh. No matter.

You and I don't really have to worry about all the politics going on behind the scenes. As far as I know it's progressing really well."

I forced myself to regain my composure. "…We don't have to worry about this?"

"No, but it doesn't hurt to be informed, I guess. It won't affect the public that much, well, aside from the obvious harem thing. We just need to play along, and hey, it might even end up pretty fun!"

My sister heaved a hefty sigh as she stood up. "I say that, but we actually need to catch Hikigaya-kun if we still want roofs over our heads. And I have coordinated with a certain kouhai of his to help us out."

I incredulously looked at my sister, urging her to explain herself.

"Well, mother said we only need to snag him, she didn't say it had to be exclusive, so we're going to need all the help we can get.

"We're not the only ones with sources. Others in our position are going to go after him too, so we need to handle that end."

She paused. "And they will have to hold out on their end too." She continued, cryptically.

"After all, you wouldn't want him to get snatched by some other joushi kousei rich thots, do you?" [9] She smiled.

"Let's go, we have some work to do." She went to the doorway and grabbed her coat as she put her shoes back on.

Frankly, I still had numerous reservations about this whole situation, but seeing as it was changing too much too fast, I have no other choice.

All this talk about my growth and yet here I am again, relying on everyone again; relying on my sister again.

When will I ever learn?

I grab my own coat as I follow my sister out, making sure to turn off the lights of the apartment.

Perhaps, like the prom, this is another chance.

A chance I will not waste.

Isshiki Iroha was busy. Of course, juggling the responsibilities of being the Student Council President, Soccer Club Manager, and a cutesy 2nd Year student was tough. She had to run to and fro each room, with each trip carrying different stacks of papers, and different responsibilities.

Yes, she had her lackeys— er, subordinates to help her out with Student Council work. She had her fellow managers to fill in for her when her schedule was too tight, and of course the Service Club, namely on grouchy senpai, to lean on when it all got too straining.

And now, she was definitely strained, but for an entirely different reason. She did not know how to expect when the mother of all fox demons approached her one fateful day, but nevertheless she was blown away by the sheer silliness of her request.

She had written it off as the ramblings of a rich college student, until the news broadcast a few days later slapped her in the face with the truth.

This was real. This was happening.

And more importantly, her senpai was in danger.

Now, it was rather obvious at this point that she no longer had any interest in Hayama, and was instead using him as one big, fat excuse to drag her senpai everywhere (especially on "practice" dates).

She would never say it explicitly, but dear Iroha-chan had fallen in love, or something along those corny lines, with her senpai.

She asked him to take responsibility, and he begrudgingly did so, or so he thought he came off as begrudging.

He thought he was slick, he wasn't. Iroha could feel the almost brotherly protectiveness he exuded whenever she dragged him to one of those accursed meetings with our favorite "Ishiki Takai Kei" Tamawanawana-san and his gang. [10]

He always verbally complained. He always had unenergetic body language. But then again he always had those two things, so the mere fact that he goes along with Iroha so often is proof enough.

Proof enough that he is willing to take responsibility.

Truth be told, the man was spoiling Iroha rotten, and it was grinding down Iroha's façade more and more.

She knew her cutesy demeanor was all an act, and like any act it was taxing. But with him she felt genuinely compelled to act cute, almost trying to appeal herself to her senpai.

Her rejections ended more and more often with the lines: "next time" or "you have to try harder." It was as if she was inviting him to actually confess to her.

And in a way, she was. At least she knows she doesn't have the guts to confess to him, not when there is so much competition.

And that's why the new law is such a shift in the status quo. Now, now her senpai was a free-for-all. Now her senpai was an open-forum.

Now her senpai was essentially a buffet, anyone can go and have their fill, and remembering the words of the mother vixen, she knew there were more on the way.

"Mouuu, what is the government thinking?! This is going to make a husband shortage!" [11] She complained to no one in particular.

She sighed. She did not mind sharing with Yukino and Yui. She had always resigned it in her heart that her senpai would most likely choose one of them. Sharing with them instead of being rejected because of them was a plus, but sharing with others… not so much.

So she had to act fast. She had to "secure the loot" so to speak. The mother vixen and Yukino would handle things on their end, while her responsibility was simple: it was to strike first, and to strike with force. The plan was to secure her senpai and consolidate the harem with the four of them: her, Yui, Yukino, and Yukino's onee-san.

With the two Yukinoshitas busy on their end, she had to rely on the resident airhead to provide her with some busty back-up.

And so, she sent this message in accordance with her plans:

"Yahallo, Yui-senpai~! I have something to tell you in person, and it's veeeery important, so I hope you could just skip club for today so we can talk about it. I would appreciate that loots! I don't think senpai would mind if you ditched him just for today, right? But tell him to please go home immediately, okaay~?"

[Sent. Delivered. Read.]

Not a moment too soon Yui replied.

"yahalooo, iroha-chaaan~! I feel a little bad for not having club with hikki rn but if it's super important then of course its alright! oh! And i'll make sure to txt him l8ter. Hehe well, see u then!"

Good. She'll also send a text to her beloved kouhai (and her senpai's beloved imouto) later to inform her senpai of the situation, and to make sure he makes it home safely.

"The early bird catches the worm, they say." She muttered beneath her breath.

References:

[1] – Abalone is a shellfish resembling something between an oyster and womanhood.

[2] – The soldier who saved the lives of approximately 70 other soldiers at Hackshaw Ridge during WWII.

[3] – Portion of the official document signifying eligibility for the Presidential Medal of Honor.

[4] – Overlord meme where everyone says "Sasuga Ainz-sama." If you know, you know.

[5] – Satirical take on Apple's (and most tech companies') utterly ridiculous naming sense for their products. I get that it is part of marketing but come on man.

[6] – Classic 3rd grade "pen is" joke. Yes, I am a 12th grader writing 3rd grade jokes. And no, I'm not sorry.

[7] – This story is set in their early third year of high school. In this alternate universe Yukino and 8man's relationship, and by extension that of the Service Club, improve a lot, taking them a step closer to that elusive genuine thing. But unlike in canon Yukino and 8man have not entered into a relationship after the prom…yet.

[8] – Shameless self-promotion. That's the title for chapter 1.

[9] – Popular doujin turned into a meme. Technically Yukino is also a joushi kousei rich thot, but meh. If you know, you know. (also substituting an "ō" [long o sound] with an "o" is sacrilege, always use "ou" if you're too lazy to insert "ō" like me. The hiragana demands it, -お andうfor "-o" and "u" respectively. Thanks for attending my Ted Talk.)

[10] – Ishiki Takai Kei is a Japanese stereotype for someone who is ambitious. In most cases it is used as a pejorative for people who are actually just pretentiously smart and ambitious (like Tamawananwana and me). 8man actually calls Tamawanawana an ishiki takai kei in his thoughts in canon. That Japanese Man Yuta (Japanese YouTuber) has a great video explaining this concept.

[11] – Reversal of the "wife shortage" thing last chapter. Joke-ception. Hah.

Now, now, you might be wondering: "where the hell is our smut?!" And here I am to tell you that that's coming in brain fart 2 part 2.

This chapter was supposed to be another 9k-word one, but I realized that that was just a one-way ticket to burnout, so I'll be doing more concise chunks. I split it right before the smut starts, well, almost.

Did I do that to deliberately blue ball people? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Here's to hoping brain fart 3 comes sooner.