AN: Inspired by the story If You're Reading This from Sk8er_Chica over at AO3. It got me thinking about those letters again, and this is my take (and also my attempt of understanding that Season 3 finale).

Today had been crazy. He nearly lost his best friend. She had gotten shot on his watch and after their conversation, he had glanced into his locker one last time. And it hit him.

He never had written a new letter. The last one had been torn to shreds after Hondo had sent him back to patrol. He smiles to himself. If Tan or Luca would find out he had been out there with them for over a year, again without a letter. He probably would need a new place to stay. Or he could dig his own grave. It would probably be safer. He had to admit it had taken him a long while to understand the importance of this "just in case" collection of thoughts and thinking back over the operation today… It could've just as easily been him and if the bullet hit at just the right angle, he could've been dead. And no one would know how much they all meant to him.

He pulls out his helmet and starts thinking about a way to go about writing this important piece and who to address it to?

Could he still write it to Chris? Was it possible to write more than one?

The second question was more important. He knew he'd need more than one letter. If something were to happen to him right now, he needed Molly to know how he felt. He needed to thank his whole SWAT family for everything they had done for him and maybe, he added almost as an afterthought, maybe he should write his mom and Buck too.

With a plan forming in his mind he almost enjoyed the ride home.

His joy was only short-lived though. As soon as he sat down with the legal pad and pen his mind went blank. What was he supposed to write? With whom should he start? What if he forgot one? Or god forbid mix them up?

Somehow though looking around the living area of the house he shared with Luca he knew just where to start.

Luca,

When you read this, I really don't want to imagine what I did to screw up so badly, but I know one thing. You have been the best roommate a guy could ask for. I know it didn't look like I appreciated you crashing with me back at the beginning and I acted like a spoiled brat all through the academy. I still consider you a friend. Well more like a brother. Thank you for taking me in when I had nowhere to go, even after I had kicked you out for my mom.

Can I ask you a favor though? Take care of my bike and the team. Duke will keep you company.

Thank you for everything.

P.S. The high score is mine.

He isn't 100% sure this is the way to go but he folds the paper neatly for now.

One down, at least 7 to go.

Tan,

If you're reading this I probably screed up somehow. And if you knew when I am writing this… you'd probably revive me just to kill me again. Today has been a shitty day. I nearly got Chris killed. And I still haven't figured out what I could've done better. But this is not the point.

I wanted to let you know how grateful I am to call you my friend. You have never given up on me. And seeing you make it work with Bonnie gave me hope there is a way for me too. Oh, and I hope you finally cached in that first ring and bought her the one she deserves to have. I am happy for you and please, live your life happy and content. You deserve it.

Take care of the team for me.

He takes a second to reread his words. God, Bonnie had scared him with her comment about him maybe needing a ring soon too. He still saw her smile at that. He is almost sure it was teasing. They all tease him mercilessly about Molly. Tan and Luca had even before anything had happened. Had they seen the writing on the wall?

Molly,

Whenever you are reading this… I hope you only blame me or the bad guy who got a lucky shot in. No one on my team is at fault. And not your dad either. You know SWAT is the only job out there where you can do everything right and still not make it home.

I am still amazed you even wanted to go out with me.

I hope you find the man of your dreams and live happy with him. Me being only a small but happy memory in the future.

He takes a minute to contemplate what he wants to write next and decides it would be best he stops himself now. He knows how he feels. The shaking of his hand tells him how scared he is right now and was when his hand first started shaking in fear. Back in that seedy bar in Long Beach when Nolan had threatened her. Maybe he should write other letters first. The ones for his ersatz fathers were next on his list. Where to start? With the man who had even given him a chance of at a somewhat normal life. Or the man whose advice, even if it was to tease had always helped, even if at first not. Or the man who had given him a second chance at a job he loved dearly? Even if he failed at the task needed.

He twirls the pen in his fingers and tries to start the next letter.

Deacon,

Even though I never was a man of faith you showed me that faith comes in many different forms.

You even had faith in me after I screwed up. And failed to be the best in the academy.

You let me accompany you on that mission. Yes, I know you said it was Hondo's call, but you made it happen. You could've refused him.

You and your family, you showed me what good family life is and what I want, I guess wanted, when you are reading this, for myself. I just hope I got to experience it and show you how grateful I am. For everything.

I hope that I didn't screw up too badly and I didn't make a rookie mistake again.

Please take care of the team for me. Make sure that everyone is okay and check in on Buck.

Don't forget Buck.

Thank you for everything.

Jim

3 and a half down … the hard part was still waiting to be written.

Mom,

I don't know when you are reading this.

I can't say if we will have talked again.

I hope you understand why I had to let them take you back to prison.

I wish we could find a way to work through all this. Now, I am gone. And I can't look out for you anymore. You have to do that on your own.

Do me this one last favor: Stay clean and sober. Live your life to the fullest.

Love

Jimmy

It was short but he couldn't bring himself to write more. His past would crush him, and he still felt incredibly guilty for what he had to do. But he meant it: He didn't want her to die. He wanted her to live. He never said it out loud or really admitted it to himself but in a weird way he needed her. He needed to know at least one of his parents was still around and sort of a good person. Did he feel guilty that she had spend all those years in prison to protect him? Yes, but now as an adult and a cop he knew there had been other better ways to go about it. But would he have met Buck then? Probably not. And if he would have made it onto the force and finally SWAT wasn't a given either. His mind wanders back to the locker room. He shakes his head. This is not the right place to think about that moment.

He scans the folded papers on the counter to remind himself of the task at hand. Sometime soon he should move out of the living area if he doesn't want Luca to find him here. Writing what was already supposed to be in his locker or another safe place.

4 down, one needs revision, 3 to go

A good place to take a break and relocate.

To be honest he was dreading the last 3 letters and the one he had still not finished. Hondo, Buck, Chris, and Molly. They deserved so much better than a piece of paper from him.

He has to remind himself these are just in case.

Just in case …