Him…

The skies are warm and blue, and the weather cool, although not chilly. It is a great day for training, although I know that Yoh will disagree with me. For him, such days are great for relaxing, meaning lying under the sun, doing nothing. In fact, that was what he suggested to me when we were having breakfast earlier on. Of course, it makes no difference; Yoh has to undergo training, like any other day. After breakfast, I collect my bandanna, my stopwatch and push him out of the house, in spite of his complaints and pleas, to begin his training.

It is now mid-afternoon, and Yoh is just starting to begin his runs around the block. Leaning against the gate, my eyes trained on the stopwatch, I coolly instructed for him to begin his runs.

The pained expression that befalls his face almost brings a smile to mine.

As Yoh took off, I unwrap my bandanna from my head and let it slides around my neck, my eyes still on him until he disappears around the corner.

Yoh…

My fiancé. He who will be my husband, my partner in life. He, who, when the day comes, I will promise to love eternally and forever.

I'll be his one day…

Not that…

Not that I already don't. I do, I do love him. I've known it for a long while, even though it took me even longer to accept the fact that I love Yoh.

I didn't love him from the moment I saw him. If there is anything I scorn more, it is love at first sight. There can never be love at first sight, for love builds over time.

But I was bound to him. Still is.

From the day we met, and from the day he saved me from a life of hate, spite and loneliness on the mountains of Osorezan, I was bound to him, I know. He had touched me. No one had ever bothered to care the way he did. I didn't know why he did, and I still don't know exactly why, but his actions touch me, and I will be grateful for that, forever.

I often wonder. I wonder why is he chosen to be my fiancé. It was a great shock to me when my mentor, Asakura Kino Itako announced the plan to me. I was expected to accept without complaints, of course. I had no choice but to. I owed a great deal to her. The least I can do is comply. Although I wasn't happy with the fact that I was to be tied down so young, and to some kid I hadn't met. True, he is chosen to be, but letting me have the pick, I will still pick him as mine.

Yoh is special.

There's no one like him…

For me, there can never be another, there's only him.

I love Yoh. But I will never let him know I do. I have to bury all my emotions under a icy, emotionless mask, when there are times I just want to throw my arms around him and hug him. I do it, in order to prevent myself from getting hurt. To prevent him from letting know how much he really matters.

It takes a lot out of me to admit, to myself, that I am capable of love. All I've known since young was hate, spite and loneliness; I thought the feeling had eluded me, for the rest of my life.

Then he came along, and showed me what is care, sacrifice, and somehow, I've fallen in love with him because of that.

But I didn't show it. I don't show it.

Because…

I don't know. I don't know whether does he love me or not.

I don't know…does he love me?

Therefore, all I can do is to hide how I really feel. If comes a day he tells me that he never loves me, at least my mask can protect me. I'm building it, my mask, and myself to be stronger each day.

Being cold and emotionless is the only way I can protect myself, to give to the world the image of the uncaring itako. That way, no one can hurt me.

Besides, being cool and icy is part of my nature. It's who I am. I am not about to act flirty, giggly and girlish as an attempt for him to fall for me. That way, he isn't going to fall for me, Anna, but some other personality that I have created.

A person like me…is hard to love. And…I don't think he loves me.

How can he love me, after the way I've treated him?

But it is for his own good. Yoh has talent and potential like no one I've seen, and yet, at the same time, he also possesses the level of laziness that astonishes me.

I, of all people, know the harshness of the dog-eat-dog shaman world. There is no telling when a particular shaman can be killed just because of a challenge fight. So all I can do for him is to train him, to become stronger, so that he can survive in this world.

And I simply have to be strict, and perhaps heartless, to make him listen to me. I am not used to being disobeyed. I don't see why Yoh is any exception. He isn't, of course.

I am harsh. But for his sake.

I hope he understands that, even if no one else does. Tao Ren calls me a sadist, I know.

I'll have to get back at him for that someday, I'll make a note to.

Even so, Yoh's harsh training, to my eyes, is my fierce protectiveness for him, is interpreted by many as vicious. Maybe even Yoh himself, maybe he fails to understand my motives.

That is why, and how my perception came to be…he can't love me.  

How can he?

I am sure he doesn't know my feelings for him. I am too good at hiding it under my mask. Besides, Yoh is kind of thick. He never wants to think too much about things that are unimportant. I supposed, being that we are engaged, and we are to be married someday, the idea of whether we love each other or not is just not relevant to him.

At least, I don't think it matters to him. Nothing ever bothers him, much least to say matters of love. 

He doesn't have to know.

I never plan on letting him know.

I never want to expose my vulnerability, a vulnerability that I myself hate to admit. I am prepared to lose him someday, I supposed, but I don't want to, I don't want it to happen, much as I think it will be.

It kind of scares me, on how much he matters to me.

What is it about Yoh?
  

What makes me love him?

I don't know.

Before Yoh, I never loved anyone. Because there's no one for me to love, no one deserving for me to love.

At first, during the days when we began to live together, he irritated me.

He irritated me because he can't cook, he can't do anything right, he never bothered to do things right because he preferred to let nature took its course, so long as it allowed him to relax and be lazy.

But over the years, Yoh has grown and matured, and although I can't say he is extremely hardworking now, at least he has the sense of doing things that needed to be done, he has understood that the chores can't be done by themselves if no one bothers about them.

I assume that's how I start to attach myself to him.

The way he quietly takes over a huge part of my life, with his easy smiles and cheerful faces. How he always manages a smile even though I am being exceptionally harsh. The way he will want my approval when he makes dinner. The way he often tries to make me smile.

The way he slowly teaches me more about life. The way he touches me.

He touched me when we were young. Yoh is the first person that made my tears fall. All my life then, I've known nothing but hate. He made me feel the first stirrings of warmth, with his care. He cared although I was horribly rude to him, he wanted to help me, an icy, detached itako.

He made me feel that there was some hope, and some light in my dark, hopeless life. He made me feel something in me, something other than hate and anger. He made me see a whole new life before me.

Just because he had cared.

He still does, I can tell.

I like to think at least he cares for me, even if there is no love. He cares for me doesn't mean that he love me, I know. Yoh, being kind-hearted, cares for everyone, Manta, Tao Ren, Ryu, maybe even some ant by the roadside, who knows.

But although he doesn't love me, I will still care for him and protect him.

Always.

I have to…

I am snapped out of my train of thought when the stopwatch beeped loudly, signaling Yoh's ending time for his runs. But there is no sign of him.

I frown into the distance, tapping the face of my stopwatch impatiently. Five minutes has passed by, and there is still no Yoh.

Then, off he comes around the block, wearing a huge, goofy grin on his face. My frown deepens. I suppose he thinks it is funny that he is off his usual time by five whole minutes.

He reaches me, panting a little, as I say sharply, "Yoh, you're slower by…"

What happens next totally catch me off my guard.

He ignores me, leans forward, and grabs me, pulling me against his chest in a huge hug.

I gasp in surprise, and my stopwatch slips from my fingers, clattering to the ground.

His right arm is around my waist, and his left hand rests on my back, his chin resting on my shoulder. My first impulse is to push him aside and give him a slap for touching me.

But then again…

I relax my body. After all, he is my fiancé. And…well…it feels nice to be held.

Very warm, and very comfortable.

I hesitantly encircle my own arms around his waist. His arms tighten just a little around me.

I can feel a small smile forming on my face, as he strokes my hair softly. The ice in me is beginning to melt.

Maybe…just maybe…

He does love me.

And I love him, too.

-Finis-

Taaa-daaaa. Thanks so much for the encouraging reviews, so here's Anna's perspective. Although, I admit it is very OOC for Anna…but then again, who knows what she is thinking? This is my interpretation of what she should be thinking, anyway. ^-^ I am lame, I know.

Gee…it's hard to write about Anna's thoughts with her in character. I tried, but then I thought it was too uninteresting and way too cold. :P

Apologies for the OOC-ness, and please please please review. Or flame, comment, whatever, as long as it is constructive. I need all the advice I can get.

da*mouse ®
posted 2nd June 2003
2.55a.m.

p.s. can anyone tell me what exactly is WAFF? You have one dumb mouse here. O_O