Potluck Picks

A Rising of the Shield Hero fic

As always I do not own the right to the Rising of the Shield Hero or any of the other series herein.

You can contact me at tsommer

All of my stuff is now stored at of a03.

So now we'll travel down the path of 'What If Other Characters Had Been Drawn to the Shield Hero Universe'. Which, while more descriptive, is really long and a pain to write. Why do you think 'Fusions That Should Never Be: Tales of the Nine Tentacle Fox Demon' became FTSNB: TotNTFD? It's way too long to write out, bruh. Come up with something short, concise and random. Like Potluck Picks. I've been writing for over 20 years and am sure to get paid published any day now. I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Seriously.

Oh yes, this is another humor oriented one. All of the scenes revolve around the first episode since we are starting there.

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[Selection 1: Come as You Are]

There was a flash of light and four figures appeared. The mages looked on in hope at the three young men with the bow, spear, and sword. It was the one with the shield that was inconsistent with the others. He was clearly an adult, most likely in his thirties, dressed in a sleeveless tee shirt and loose pants. His arms with thick with muscles and hairy. He was on the short side, black hair with a distinctive cut: it was flared upward on both sides of his head.

Oh yes, and he looked positively irate.

"What's going on here?" he snapped, taking everything in. His posture said he was ready to mete out violence at any second, and that he knew how to apply it both efficiently and effectively.

The head mage spoke up. "Brave heroes, won't you save us from evil? Our world is in danger, and we cast an ancient spell to summon four cardinal heroes to save us. We teeter on the brink of annihilation, so please aid us."

Before the other three could speak the oldest growled mostly to himself. "This is what happens when you get a rep." He pulled out a cigar, lit it up, and stuck it in his mouth. "You should have summoned my whole team. Would have had the problem solved a lot faster. But it ain't like I can't solve problems on my own. I'm going to need to know everything about the situation, what resources you have, your command structure, and everything else. Also I get to go where I want and solve the problems how I want. I've had bad guys try to convince me they're the good guys before, and some folks think they're good guys when they ain't exactly my idea of 'good'. But you got that mix of desperate wimpiness that says someone dumped you in a bad situation and you just want to get out. What's with this thing on my arm?" He waved the shield around.

"That is your weapon, cardinal hero. It designates you as the Shield Hero. It's needed to save the realm from danger."

He smirked. "Nah. I got my own weapons that save realms from danger." He held his hand in front of him and made a fist. Three long blades popped out from the back of his hand. "Name's Logan, by the way."

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[Selection 2: Clothing Doesn't Make the Man]

There was a flash of light and four figures appeared. The mages looked on in hope at the four young men with the bow, spear, sword, and, well the one with the shield which for some reason was needed, according to legend. Of the newcomers the youth with the shield really was the least imposing. He was very slender, and almost to the point of being feminine. At least he was well-dressed in a stylish light purple uniform and tie. There was even a crest of some kind on the breast of the outfit. In any case, the head mage made would make his pitch and then send them to the king to deal with.

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Malty looked at the pathetic shield hero, whom no one would align with. There was opportunity there, she was certain. While the handsome Spear Hero would be easy to manipulate, this skinny one with the lamest weapon could be easily fleeced. She'd turn on the charm, win his attentions, and then… why yes, that would be perfect.

"I would like to help the Shield Hero," she announced. Everyone would think she was taking pity on the pathetic loser, and it wasn't like she wouldn't be back in Motoyasu's camp soon enough. A day at the most if the plan she was forming was sound.

Malty left Motoyasu's party and introduced herself to the slender youth, smiling in a way that made men's hearts melt. "So let's get you ready to be heroic and save the realm."

The Shield Hero smiled back, but Malty noted the smile wasn't the one she usually received. It was more… polite. Actually she detected no lust emanating from him at all.

He suggested, "Why don't we become acquainted first over tea or food? If we're to adventure together, we should get to know what each other is like. That way we'll be able to work more effectively."

How bizarre. Yes, men often tried to charm women by socializing as he suggested, but again it was… off. He was not acting like most men did in her presence. Had Motoyasu not been instantly seduced by her she would have thought she was losing her touch.

But it was of no consequence. He would be dealt with by tomorrow. In fact she was looking forward to it since he was irritating her. It would serve the weak fool right.

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Malty turned on the appropriate amount of fear and crying as the king raged at the little wimp. Her time with the Shield Hero convinced her he was the most pathetic of idiots. Although to give credit where it was due, he was an engaging conversationalist. But that was it. The king would be doing the pathetic fool a favor if he went for beheading, though it wasn't likely since theoretically the Shield Hero was needed to save the kingdoms from the Waves. He was so pitiable Malty doubted he'd be able to accomplish anything except getting killed and ending up compost.

On the Shield Hero's part, he released a resigned sigh, as though accepting of a great weight someone placed upon his shoulders. However there was no fear or panic there. To Malty he said, "I suspected you were like this. When you chat with girls all the time you start to get a feel for what they're like by how they say things rather than what they say. Guys can do it too, but they tend to lack subtlety and you know what they really mean. But many women… it's all smoke and mirrors. What I'm trying to say is I was hoping you'd surprise, me, but instead you disappointed me."

Malty turned livid. The audacity of this simpleton to imply she was some airheaded idiot. "How dare a lowly worm like you address me in such a manner!" She noted how everyone reacted curiously to her proclamation. Oops, she had let the mask slip. She reverted back to her scared little girl persona. "Since you committed such a horrendous act upon me." She hid herself in Motoyasu's chest and threw in a couple of extra sniffles.

And still the Shield Hero was unmoved by her behavior. "So, about that. When I supposedly did that thing to you was I trying to stick my… peg into your slot?"

What was wrong with this twerp? "Oh, don't make me relive that horrible act." That made the people look at the Hero with even more hostility. Maybe execution wasn't out of the question with his inappropriate attitude.

"So you're saying I wasn't?" he goaded.

"Of course you tried to [expletive deleted] me with your [expletive deleted]!" she snapped, the people taken aback by the lewd choice of words. Damn this idiot for making her lose her temper. Again she composed herself and became tearful. "If you hadn't been so drunk and missed the target, I might already be pregnant." And with that little bit thrown in there, his death was almost a certainty.

The king's rage was mirrored in that of the crowd. "You animal!"

The Shield Hero sighed. "Okay, I can prove my innocence, but this is going to be embarrassing. However, it's the surest way." And he went for the belt at his pants.

When the king realized what was about to happen, he shouted, "There is no place for this vulgar behavior! I will have you—what the hell?" His jaw dropped as low as everyone else's in the room.

A sailor toward the back said, "Gyar. Can't very well send a crew over to the ship without a gangplank to board it."

As the Shield Hero pulled her pants back up, Melty stammered out, "But you look like a man!"

"I look androgynous, actually."

"I called you 'Sir' Hero."

"I felt it would be rude to correct you."

"Your wear the clothing of a man."

"It was my Host Club outfit I showed up in, so it's a standard outfit. Everyone wears them. But I really don't care what I wear. I can make anything work. When I learned you wanted me to fight, I chose practical outfits. It turned out male clothing was better. Besides, while I might be a girl, not all of us can pull off the chain mail bikini look." She stared pointedly at her flat chest."

With the tables turned, the Shield Hero said, "So you want to stick with your story of my non-existent genitalia trying to molest you in a non-existent attack?"

Now the crowd had turned just as savagely on Melty, perhaps more so since she was the one who had tricked them. She tried getting them back on her side. "Clearly I am the victim of sorcery."

"Enough!" the King snapped, enraged at having been publicly humiliated. Now he would have to save face. "Unfortunately for you, falsely accusing a woman of rape is also a serious crime. One punishable by public flogging."

"That was meant for men lying about women raping them!" Melty protested.

"As it tuns out, the law does not make a distinction as to the gender of the false accuser. Take her away!" he ordered the guards.

Haruhi Fujioka of the Ouran Host Club sighed as the manipulative, amoral sociopath was dragged away, protesting. To be honest, Melty was only just as bad as some of the girls back home, not worse. But it was high school, so it was to be expected. As a wise man once pontificated: the worst thing about high school are the teenagers.

It appeared even when you were dragged to another world, high school never ended.

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[Selection 3: The Perceptive Detective]

There was a flash of light and four figures appeared. The mages looked on in hope at the four young men with the bow, spear, sword, and, well the one with the shield which for some reason was needed according to legend.

The head mage focused on the one with the sword. Goodness, he didn't look well at all. He was sort of slouched forward, almost hunched over as though there were something wrong with his back. He was thin and had horribly dark rings under his eyes, like he'd never had a decent night's sleep his entire life. He was adorned in a plain white shirt and pants with no footgear at all. The only hopeful thing about him were those eyes; they took in everything around them. When they settled on the head mage, he felt like he was being dissected and his insides being examined.

The head mage shook his mind from it. He had a pitch to make then a hand off to the king in the hopes he could convince the cardinal heroes to save them all. Even the skinny one. It was all about the weapon in the end, wasn't it?

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Malty finished giving her false testimony regarding Naofumi and huddled in Motoyasu's arms. He had been the obvious remaining choice. The Bow Hero was cute, but the Spear Hero more gullible. And lord knew she wasn't going near the weird-looking Sword Hero. She wouldn't have targeted him the way she had Naofumi, despite him not gaining any backers either. Why, he was so creepy he might actually have tried to rape her!

Naofumi protested, as she knew he would, but it did him no good. Men believed women here. That was what made it so easy to disgrace them. It wasn't like they didn't have it coming for one reason or other. They were to blame, always messing things up and being stupid, complaining about using reason to make decisions and being… well men.

As the king started another tirade toward the pitiful wretch, the creepy Sword Hero said in a quiet voice, "I can prove guilt of the crime in this case."

All eyes turned to him. The king stated, "Please do so." And returned to glaring evilly at Naofumi.

The Sword Hero went up to Malty, and his eyes seemed to stare through her. "Please state in detail the terrible act he perpetrated upon you. Leave nothing out. Even the smallest piece of evidence will prove guilt in this matter."

Well, she supposed there was no harm in that. Maybe he was trying to court her in a weird way. Which would never work. She was giving him a wide berth after this. But she did as he bade, elaborating on Naofumi's acts of tearing of the dress and her barely escaping. She made sure to sniffle a lot and huddle closer to Motoyasu. It was what 'vulnerable' women did, after all.

The Sword Hero went over to a soldier. "Allow me to examine that nightgown."

The soldier handed him the garment. The Sword Hero held his chin to in thought and made a point of saying, "Very damning."

He went up to Motoyasu. "Did the victim show up to your room dressed only in blankets, and was quite naked?"

"Yes."

"And the victim refused to allow you to seek vengeance or contact the authorities immediately afterward, opting to wait until morning?"

"Yes."

"That confirms much." He then went up to Naofumi. "And you claim that armor the Spear Hero wears was originally yours?"

"Yes!" Naofumi said.

"You purchased it from an armorer?"

"Just yesterday." He confirmed.

"Did you try it on before him?"

"Yes. I wanted to make sure it fit."

"Hmm." The Sword Hero said, then turned to Malty. "What magic do you specialize in?"

The question caught her off guard. "Fire magic."

"Level?"

"I don't understand why you're asking me that."

"I need it to prove guilt."

Oh, well, if it would help her cause, though something about this questioning was putting her on edge. Still, the crowd was being more convinced than ever Naofumi was guilty. "About five."

"Excellent. I can now establish guilt."

Everyone watched him intently.

"Myne Sophia has lied to everyone about everything," he stated.

"What?!" The king railed.

"I can prove it." He said and held up the nightgown. "She stated that the Shield Hero invaded her bed chambers, ripped her nightgown off, attempted to molest her in a drunken stupor, she escaped and then ran to the Spear Hero's room. There are a number of issues with that story. Observe the tear in the nightgown. It's not sufficient to have the garment in question ripped from a body as the tear is only down the front and barely makes it halfway down. It would have remained on her person when she escaped from the attack in question. However it is a perfect tear for someone not wearing it to make it appear they had been attacked.

"There is also the statement she was wrapped in a blanket when going to Motoyasu's room. Anyone escaping from a potential rapist would hardly have taken the time to remove a blanket as they fled. Likewise there's the question of why an adventurer of Sophia's level would be so easily overpowered by a drunken low-level hero who barely knows his passive weapon. Even with surprise, once freed from his clutches, it would have been a simple matter to burn him where he lay."

Malty was apoplectic. "How dare you—!"

The Sword Hero cut her off. "Your flesh is unmarked."

"What?"

"Your flesh is unmarked from your supposed attack. We'll have ladies in the court examine you without your clothing, of course, but I already know. You're far too vain and lazy to have bothered with physical disfigurement to add veracity to your inept claims."

Now she was practically frothing at the mouth. "You go to-"

"The king gave me permission to determine guilt. You do not have the right to prevent my proving it."

Now the King finally spoke. "You implied you were determining the Shield Hero's guilt."

"Is his Majesty implying I was only given permission to proclaim a certain person guilty rather than the actual guilty party, no matter who it might be?"

The king was suddenly aware everyone was staring at him. Damn the Sword Hero for wording it like that, even if it was true and the king would never have let the questioning go on in the first place if he had known this was going to happen. "Of course not," was the only response he could give.

"The issue of the armor can be determined by an interview with the armorer. Had the Shield Hero been present and personally wore it in front of the armorer, then it was for him, not Motoyasu. While the two have similar enough builds the armor fits ether one, you'll discover it's more form fitting to Naofumi who is smaller and lighter. Also he paid for it. Why would he pay for another man's armor, while securing none for himself, at the behest of the woman who claims he tried to rape her?"

"Also there's the matter of the delay in reporting the crime. By her own admission Sophia was able to relate the story to the Spear Hero, yet inexplicably urged a delay which would serve no useful purpose. Unless as the Shield Hero says, he drank nothing that night and therefore would have been completely sober when confronted. Also he needed to be asleep to have his armor and money stolen, as well as the nightgown planted, and time was needed for that. Then there's the question of why she would seek out the Spear Hero's particular room rather than the authorities. One man from another world just tried to rape her. Why would she seek the questionable safety of another otherworlder whom she had no reason to believe is any different from the others? It would have made more sense to go to the authorities whom she knew she could trust, especially since she's the daughter of the king."

Melty wondered how he knew that one. How he was able to determine everything perfectly from a handful of questions. Damn him!

The murmurs of the audience drew her attention, and panic set in. The crowd had turned against her. She tried coming up with a lie to put them on her side, like accusing the Sword Hero of the same acts, or that he was in league with the Shield Hero and covering for him, but it wouldn't work. Even if she could come up with something, he'd see through it instantly.

Just like he had seen through her.

Malty wanted to scream out in rage, cry out in defiance, burn him on the spot, but one look in the eyes of the Sword Hero, and she knew it would do no good. He had defeated her in minutes using only his wits, turning every advantage against her with an ease she would have thought impossible. He had known what she was up to even before she had finished making her claim. He had potentially one of the most powerful weapons in the realms on his hands, and yet his mind was a thousand times deadlier than that.

For the first time in her life, Malty Melromarc simply gave up. Totally and completely. And it was to a bizarre man from another world who refused to tell anyone his name, only insisting they refer to him by the letter, 'L'.

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[Selection 4: Bringing an Atom Bomb to a Knife Fight]

There was a flash of light and four figures appeared. The mages looked on in hope at the four young men: otherworldly saviors. The ones with the bow, spear, and sword had a similar look to them in their youth and bearing. It was the Shield Hero that was a touch different from them. Large black spikey hair, an orange outer garment, a blue shirt underneath and matching boots. He also appeared a bit more… vacuous than the others in some undefinable way.

He said, "What the…? Did I just die again without realizing it?"

The head mage went into his pitch. "Brave heroes, won't you save us from evil? Our world is in danger, and we cast an ancient spell to summon four cardinal heroes to save us. We teeter on the brink of annihilation, so please aid us."

"Sure." The Shield Hero said affably before the others could speak. "What power levels are we talking? Around the thousands mark or tens of thousands? Or are we talking really big leagues, like hundreds or even millions?"

"I have no idea what those numbers mean." the mage confessed.

"Oh, no detection system," the stranger said. "How about this? When you say 'world is in danger' do you mean your civilization is in danger, or the planet actually being shattered into tiny fragments and blown across the universe danger? I mean I can deal with the second if that is the case, but you have to be more careful in situations like that."

"So you've dealt with planet destroyers before?" the man asked, not sure if this newcomer was sincere or insane.

"Yep. Son Goku, by the way." And he bowed.

"Oh." The mage looked to the others. "You're not going to be needed after all. Sorry about this." And promptly forgot they existed. To Goku he said, "You might be strong enough to pry the shield off, but if not just relocate it to your back. It's only going to get in the way. My acolytes will introduce you to the king. Just say who you are, and everything should be taken care of. It'll be a great weight off everyone's shoulders. I'm going to take a nap."

As the head mage walked away, he felt relief. That had turned out better than he'd dare imagined. It was about time he had some luck. They had hit the jackpot with the 'Summon Random Champion' spell this time. Even here they had heard about the legendary Son Goku. That Wave everyone thought was going to be a tsunami was going to be a splash from a puddle for him.

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[End fic]

Just an idea that came to me. I could have done more, but I think the idea might have been beaten to death by then. It's why I cut one with Heero Yui and how he would have convinced everyone he hadn't tried to rape Malty… by telling them what he would have done had he intended to rape her. (It ended with him burying her body in a deep pit in the middle of nowhere). And then he informed the king that if they believed the lie anyway, he'd be compelled to escape, having come up with a half dozen ways to do so with the minimal number dead at nearly a dozen, and with the king being a casualty in every one of the scenarios.

His majesty announced there was a 'misunderstanding' and that no assault had occurred.