Original title: The one where Eve and Villanelle can't stop texting each other

Author: Cléodacieuse

Translated from the French by: hotladykisses (with the author's permission)

Rating: T

February 2

08:46 pm

Unknown number: Hey!

08:49 pm

Unknown number: What are you wearing?

08:51 pm [kiss icon + bus icon]

09:15 pm

Eve: Villanelle.

Unknown number: Was it the [bus icon] that gave me away?

10:01 pm

Unknown number: Eve?

Eve: Stop texting me.

Unknown number: You haven't changed your number.

Eve: So?

Unknown number: So you don't want me to stop texting.

Unknown number: Good night, Eve.

Eve: Where are you?

10:40 pm

Eve: Villanelle?

11:22pm

Eve: Oh, go to hell.

February 14

11:02 am

Unknown number: Happy Valentine's day, Eve!

11:03 am

Eve: Fuck.

Unknown number: So soon? Oh, Eve…We've only been flirting for a couple of years. Who do you think I am, some sort of slut?

Eve: Where are you?

Unknown number: On your doorstep.

Eve: Really?

Unknown number: No.

Unknown number: But you wish I was, huh?

Eve: Where are you?

11:55 am

Eve: Seriously, GO TO HELL!

Unknown number: That's what I did.

February 17

08:18 pm

Unknown number: What are you doing?

Eve: I'm in a bar with some friends.

Unknown number: [LOL icon] What are you *actually* doing?

Eve: I'm drinking wine in my pyjamas.

Eve: What about you?

Unknown number: I'm on my terrace.

Unknown number: With a teenage girl.

Eve: Don't you have better things to do than texting me?

Unknown number: No. Irina is boring.

Eve: Irina?

Eve: Are you with Konstantin?

Unknown number: He says hello.

Eve: Christ, Villanelle. Where are you? It's been four months since you all vanished!

Unknown number: Have a nice evening! [kiss icon]

February 18

04:08 pm

Unknown number: Fork or umbrella?

Eve: I'm working.

Unknown number: Nevermind, I'll manage on my own.

Eve: What for?

Unknown number: Figuring out the best way to kill Irina.

Eve: Villanelle!

Unknown number: Come on, just kidding.

Unknown number: Probably.

Eve: Villanelle.

Unknown number: I've been on my best behavior these days.

Eve: I know.

Unknown number: Oh, so you *did* keep looking for me.

Eve: And curiously I find that more worrying than you acting out.

Unknown number: Don't worry. I'm laying low. You're not the only one to look.

Eve: ?

Unknown number: Weren't you working?

Eve: Will you tell me where you are, some day?

Unknown number: Maybe.

09:20 pm

Eve: I hate you.

Unknown number: I'm kinda busy right now.

Eve: What are you doing?

Unknown number: Trying to hook up with a girl.

Unknown number: Curly brown hair, forty-something.

Eve: …

Unknown number: Don't be mad. I'll call her Eve.

11:06 pm

Unknown number: I miss you.

February 20

08:48 pm

Unknown number: Are you mad at me?

Eve: I wish.

Unknown number: What if I shoot you?

09:14 pm

Unknown number: Too soon?

Unknown number: Hey, how did you label my number on your phone?

Eve: I didn't.

Unknown number: Ouch. I have a few ideas if you want.

Eve: No thanks.

Unknown number: "Love of my life"?

Unknown number: Hum, too conventional.

Unknown number: "AILF"?

Eve: What does it mean?

Eve: No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Unknown number: "Assassin I'd like to…"

Eve: I just said DON'T TELL ME.

Unknown number: Wanna know what your label is?

Eve: No.

Eve: But you're probably going to tell me anyway.

11:16 pm

Eve: Come on, say it.

V: No, you have offended me.

Eve: Don't be a child.

V: Huh, you sound just like Konstantin.

V: Good night, Eve.

February 22

11:15 pm

Eve: Sixteen weeks.

V: Eve! What a lovely surprise! Do you still think about me when you go to bed?

V: About what I do and who I do it with?

V: About what I have for breakfast and what shampoo I use?

Eve: STOP. I get the idea.

V: Hot *and* clever. That's my kind of girl.

Eve: It took you sixteen weeks before texting me.

V: Oh Eve, you hopeless romantic! Did you count the days? Did you cross them out on your calendar?

Eve: Why?

V: I was gone for good.

Eve: Which means?

V: I wasn't planning on texting you.

Eve: What made you change your mind?

V: Your hair.

Eve: Okay, good night.

V: What made you answer me?

February 23

04:24 pm

Eve: I have a question for you.

04:48 pm

Eve: Villanelle?

Eve: Bloody hell, Villanelle, I've got the return receipts from your texts.

05:12 pm

Eve: I will cut off my hair.

V: Wow, you're really wicked!

V: If you do that, I'll kill you.

Eve: Villanelle, do you know who tried to kill Niko?

V: That would be me, apparently.

Eve: Villanelle. Was it Dasha?

V: Who's Dasha?

Eve: OK, I've had it.

V: Wait.

V: Don't get mad.

V: It was Dasha, OK? But she will pay for that. I'll take care of it myself.

V: How's the Moustache?

Eve: Oh, please. Like you even care.

V: Do *you* care?

Eve: He's my husband.

V: Not for long, from what I've heard.

Eve: It's complicated.

Eve: There. It's complicated.

V: Do you still love him?

Eve: He's my husband.

V: So? I'm not in love with my wife.

Eve: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!

V: Oops.

Eve: Your *wife*?

V: It was just a vacation fling.

Eve: Do you always marry your vacation flings?

V: This one is rich.

Eve: …

V: She's *very* rich.

Eve: …

V: I was bored.

Eve: …

V: You were dead.

V: So, technically it's not cheating.

08:23 pm

Eve: You don't work for the 12 anymore.

V: I knew that but… thanks for the tip?

Eve: They are looking for you. They want you dead.

V: Yup. Very rude. And so ungrateful, don't you think? After all I did for them.

V: I gave them the best years of my life [teary-eyed icon + crying a river icon]

Eve: Can they find you?

V: I don't think so.

Eve: You don't *think* so?

V: You can never be sure of these things, right?

Eve: Be careful.

February 24

10:18 pm

V: I promise.

February 26

04:45 pm

Eve: V.

V: Yes?

Eve: V. I labelled you V.

V: Simple.

V: *Intimate*. I like it.

Eve: What about me?

V: My little sweetheart.

Eve: !

Eve: You'd better be joking.

V: It's not as if you could see for yourself, right?

Eve: Do people still call you Oksana sometimes?

V: The last people who did are dead.

V: Why, do you want to try?

Eve: You already shot me.

V: Says the woman who stabbed me.

Eve: It had nothing to do with what you did!

V: Really? Care to explain why?

Eve: I didn't want to kill you.

V: Maybe I didn't either.

Eve: Liar.

V: Guilty as charged [tongue-in-cheek icon]

V: But hey, I'm a psychopath, remember? That's what I'm supposed to do.

V: Do you think I'm an agent of chaos? A beautiful monster?

Eve: In your dreams.

Eve: You have such an ego, you're unbelievable.

V: Well, some people don't think like you.

Eve: Who told you that?

V: A French woman. Very hot.

V: Who clearly wanted to do lots of naughty things to me, by the way.

Eve: Are you planning on having sex with women from all around the world?

V: Who said anything about sex, Eve? Oh my, do you ever think about anything else?

Eve: Oh please.

V: Jealous?

Eve: Absolutely not.

V: Come on, you know I like England better. But you're not gonna ask me to stop sleeping with people, are you?

Eve: Would you if I asked you to?

V: Now who's got an ego?

V: No, I wouldn't.

Eve: I wouldn't ask you to, anyway.

Eve: I don't care who you sleep with or not.

V: Right. And you keep texting me because of your work.

10:56 pm

V: Do you remember when you were afraid of me?

Eve: Why are you asking me about that?

V: I'm feeling nostalgic.

March 3

09:16 pm

Eve: Fuck.

Eve: *Irina* killed a guy?!

V: Oh, no. She missed him. I don't know what to do with her.

Eve: She ran him over! Twice!

V: Oh, that one!

V: Yeah, she definitely killed that one.

Eve: …

March 4

07:12 pm

V: Still mad at me?

Eve: Yes.

V: Because of Rome?

Eve: No.

V: Because of Gemma?

Eve: No.

V: Because I sleep with lots of women?

Eve: …No. But if you could stop mentioning it every single time?

V: About the bus?

Eve: No.

Eve: I liked the bus.

V: Which part?

Eve: All of them.

V: Do you want to do it again?

Eve: I can hit you again whenever you want.

V: Why are you mad at me then?

Eve: You left.

11:24 pm

V: Cuba.