I Don't Own Naruto

Hello Baachan,

I bet you're pretty surprised to get a letter from me, ne? It's actually the first one I've sent so I guess it's unfortunate given the circumstances but unfortunate circumstances would be the name of my biography no one would write nor read. I hope Gamakichi returned your necklace, I wanted you to have it back so you understand that the necklace didn't curse me. I didn't fall to a jinx, this is simply where this has been headed. A part of me wishes I could chalk it up to fate but given I've had a lot of time to think, it's pretty clear that this has been just a series of choices by myself and others and no matter what, I want you to know I'm at peace. But enough of the build up, I guess I should start with what lead me to this.

I was so excited to go on the training trip with Jiraiya. A Sannin wanted to personally train me, the student and teacher of a Hokage respectively. How could I not be psyched? I get to travel and become strong enough to save Sasuke and eventually become Hokage. I know I can come off poorly but I really wanted this to work so I made a promise to myself. I wouldn't complain if something was boring, I'd follow Jiraiya's instructions. Learn what he has to teach to the best of my abilities, and even do some independent study when I had down time. I was going to be focused and committed, not as loud nor excitable. Kakashi never taught me anything when I outright asked so I'd go at Jiraiya's pace. I was sad to leave home but knew it was going to be worth it.

Six months later and I've learned practically nothing. We do a light spar about twice a week. He doesn't instruct me on anything new regarding taijutsu, we just spar and he remains unimpressed. I even accompanied him on his peeking, which I hated because he claims it's good infiltration training. I really wish he didn't do that, I know he thinks it's harmless but I guess he's never felt unsafe in places where you are suppose to be safe even when vulnerable. If he had, he'd likely know that his peeking isn't some hobby but predatory. He wanted to focus on my Bijuu chakra and as much as I didn't want to, I tried. Up until he loosened the seal and got injured. Did you know channeling the Kyuubi's chakra hurts? It burns and the pressure feels like my muscles are getting squished. It probably doesn't help that I'm afraid of it, of losing control or being swallowed whole by the small fraction of the power I feel. But since then, he's done little to nothing. Two months of being ignored; he won't even give me a jutsu scroll. I just get told to practice the rasengan and chakra control but I'm not giving new exercises. I got so bored one day I decided to try to separate pepper from salt. It was really hard but I was starting to get the hang of it. Guess that was something of a wasted effort now.

All that down time has allowed me to think (queue jokes about my being too stupid to do such a thing because everyone knows Naruto is an idiot. It's practically my last name) and I've come to realize that my life is something of a sad joke. They called me lazy at the academy, Iruka used to yell at me for sleeping, but never Shikamaru. They never considered a seven year old might be up late because he's scared and alone in his apartment, not falling asleep until he just can't stay awake but jumping at every unknown sound; wondering if the door shakes due to the wind or someone trying to break in. They said I was undisciplined but never mention how I had to fight every day just to have my existence acknowledged because the villagers all decided I was to be invisible until I made them look at me. Then I was scorned. I yell because the silence was deafening but it didn't matter.

Neither of my sensei seem to care for me much. Kakashi barely trained me and during our Genin Exam he set out to humiliate me just days after a Chunin instructor tried to murder me. He left me during the Chunin Exam finals, had no clue about my skillset and yet he sent me after Sasuke to fight an unstable jinchuuriki. I still sometimes wonder if he sent me to my death. I thought Jiraiya would be different. I needed him to be. Yes, he has given me summoning and the rasengan but with both, his aid has been minimal. He never told me I was molding the chakra improperly while attempting the technique, therefore wasting most of it. Gamakichi did and I haven't had a problem summoning since. But his goal was to exhaust me so I'd tap into the fox's chakra, throwing me off a cliff was just an added bonus I guess.

And now on this training trip, I failed to improve with the bijuu chakra so he's written me off. I seem to be the only person that believes I can become a great ninja, or believed I guess. But it doesn't matter anymore. It does hurt, though, thinking about returning to the village only marginally improved from when I left. I could just see my cohorts, questioning how idiot Naruto managed to not get better with private instruction from a Sannin, the one that taught the fourth. I would just be a liability for them while confirming every negative thing they thought about me. They'll all get promoted but I'll be stuck a genin, even after beating a prodigy, defeating a jinchuuriki and protecting a Kage. None of my classmates have a resume like mine but they'll advance and I'll be a joke. Naruto the failure fails again but this time, he's going to get his "friends" killed too.

I can't do that, I can't get them killed. I also can't keep wasting my time, my life hoping someone will want to help me, Not just admonish me, not just tell me I'm doing something wrong but help. My whole life I've felt like there was this canyon between how I am and how I should be but I never knew how to bridge it. I don't know what Kakashi wanted, I don't know what Jiraiya wants but if my impending death can't make them take me seriously then nothing will.

It isn't all bad, maybe I'll finally meet some family. I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I wonder if they'd see me how everyone else tends to, if they'd be disappointed in me or think me weak for giving up. I hope not, I hope they'd understand. Or at least come to. I wouldn't want to be alone in the afterlife, I don't want to be alone anymore.

So, that leads me to why I returned the necklace. It didn't curse me. The day the Yondaime sealed the fox in me and the day the Third told everyone did that. If I'm dead anyway, the long lasting mistake then I should at least decide when I go. I can't let the Akatsuki get me, I know that much so this is my best option. It's actually really nice out, so I could have picked a worst day. Please, Baachan, don't stop believing. I know Konohamaru wants the hat and he actually has people that want him to succeed. The necklace didn't do this, I was just always a sucker bet.

Love,

N. Uzumaki

As Tsunade finished reading the letter she looked at the two men occupying her office with a teary eyed glare. "No one is to know of this. Everything regarding Naruto's suicide will remain an S class secret. If you reveal it I will have you execute it. If you give out signals and put someone on the trail, I'll have you and that person executed. You both disgust me; leave my presence and don't say a word." she said with no inflection.

Kakashi heeded his Hokage's words and left via shunshin, Jiraiya did not.

"Tsu.." he started before being interrupted.

"What part of leave and don't say a word did you not understand you miserable son of a bitch? Leave Jiraiya! Go chase your whores. Go peek on women, something even your isolated, orphan student knew was scummy. Whatever shred of respect I had for you is gone, exhausted because you couldn't be bothered to do the very thing you said you wanted to do."

Her words would have hurt Jiraiya greatly and in the future still might but hearing the final words of his godson has left him numb, he can't feel the hurt presently. "Tsunade, please just hear me out."

"No, I will not hear you out. I don't want to hear your excuses, your justifications. Do you understand the level of shame and self loathing he must have been feeling? He was convinced he was going to get people killed because he was too weak to do otherwise. He didn't even call them his friends, just comrades and classmates. He had checked out and you didn't do a fucking thing. Get out! Fucking get out!"

Jiraiya knew he should do as asked (ordered) but he had an overwhelming need to be heard, to be understood and it needed to be from his oldest friend and teammate. Jiraiya was beside himself that he didn't see the signs because he was too wrapped up in himself. When Naruto went four tails and nearly killed him, Jiraiya was equal parts afraid and rueful. The majority of the training trip was going to be to control the Bijuu chakra and while he told Tsunade it was on the list he never stated it'd be a primary focus. But with Naruto seemingly hitting his limit at three tails, four causing him to go beserk, Jiraiya didn't know how to precede with his training. He had been disappointed Naruto couldn't handle more as he had heard about Kumo's two jinchuuriki and their unprecedented control so he didn't understand why Naruto couldn't do it, what he was lacking but Jiraiya had no intention of getting killed to find out.

So he started to put some distance between Naruto and himself, going to his preferred distractions. He thought the kid wanted the space too as he never spoke up nor complained about Jiraiya leaving him only once requesting a jutsu scroll. Jiraiya could have written something out and honestly didn't know why he reflexively said no, maybe it was a lack of trust. He no longer trusted his apprentice and maybe he resented Naruto. Minato, in his mind, died to give Naruto a tremendous gift but Naruto just wouldn't apply himself. He wanted something easier like jutsu instead of harnessing the great power within. But how to explain it to Tsunade, make her understand that he didn't just abandon Naruto but he needed the boy to do better.

"Tsunade, please. He just… I just wanted Naruto to harness the fox's power. He just wasn't trying hard enough. If Kumo figured it out then Naruto should have, he should have fought through the pain and utilized Minato's gift."

The look Tsunade shot him let him know he had made a mistake, for where once was a fast burning anger turned to a cold fury. He wasn't going to enjoy what happened next and he knew it.

"Jiraiya" she said so calmly, so plainly, "did you ever talk to the Elder Toads about how you were going to train Naruto?" she asked.

"No, why?"

"See, the few days I had to wait for you to get here Fukasaku-sama and I had a chance to speak. I asked him why he thought the fox's chakra caused Naruto pain. He said that the bijuu aren't mindless beasts, nor are they chakra batteries. Because they are sentient chakra they can choose if their chakra is harmful or peaceful. He hypothesized that simply forcing more chakra from the fox would have never worked because Naruto didn't have the kyuubi's cooperation. It wasn't about control, they had to become symbiotic.

That understanding shit you're always preaching? Yea, Naruto needed to do that but did you guide him to that conclusion? No, I'm sure you just told him to keep pulling on a power source you didn't understand. And now you stand before me, blaming the boy you failed like some coward. He's not here because you weren't enough. He didn't get further with controlling his Bijuu because you had no idea how to train him to do so. But you made your shortcomings his fault and he picked up on it loud and clear."

Her words added even more damage to Jiraiya's battered soul. He had just assumed the bijuu chakra was just a mass of power the jinchuuriki could use if they had the will to do so. He never considered the possibility that the bijuu's unwillingness affected the jinchuuriki. He had always assumed the seal subjugated the bijuu so they had no choice but to give up their chakra. Tsunade was right.

"Now, I won't tell you again. Leave, Jiraiya. Just get out of my sight." Without a word, Jiraiya walked out of her office, in a haze.

Back in Tsunade's office, Shizune finally spoke up now that Naruto's two sensei were dealt with. "Tsunade-sama, considering everything don't you think that was harsh?"

"No, not at all. They needed to get a sample of how Naruto felt. They'll get no comforting words or reassurance from me. Their arrogance and indifference brought this on. But enough about them, clear my schedule for the day would you?"

"Hai, Tsunade-sama." Shizune said before exiting her office. With a wave of her hand, her four ANBU guards appear before her, a series of hand seals activate the privacy barrier.

"As you heard, all information regarding Naruto Uzumaki's demise is secret. If someone, say an elderly cripple should ever come to my office hinting at information he shouldn't have about this or any other situation, kill him immediately. Do you understand?"

"Hai" the four said in unison.

Jiraiya had arrived at one of his many residences within the village. He never liked to be easily accessible, even when in the village and now he was really thankful he'd be hard to track down. As soon as he closed the door he summoned Fukasaku.

"Jiraiya" the Elder sage greeted.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me what happened? That Naruto had killed himself and that you blamed me? That it was the reason you took the contract scroll from me?"

"I didn't tell you because Tsunade wanted to. She wanted you and that Kakashi boy to be informed of your student's last words. His pain, his shame, and his misery. When I read the letter, I agreed. I have seen you do a lot of foolish things, Jiraiya but I have never truly been disappointed in you until I read Naruto's note. The words of a broken boy that just wanted his sensei, his godfather to care. Had I known you wouldn't seriously train Naruto, I would have done it myself but I thought your sense of honor and responsibility ran deeper than that."

"What do you want me to say? I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I can't fix it, I can't make it right. I didn't know that's how he felt. How could I do anything if I didn't know?"

"You will cease your shameful display this instant. You didn't know? How could you have known, you weren't there. You didn't meet the boy until he was 12. You talk about how it's no fun to train geniuses and yet how soon after you discovered Naruto-chan wasn't another Minato did you give up on him?"

"I didn't give up on him."

"Now isn't the time for lies, not to each other and not to ourselves. You gave up. You've been playing the part of the foolish pervert that you can manage to do little else. But I will not admonish you further. Understand your role in the boy's fate and grow from it. If you're strong you'll improve and become better. I believe you can do that but don't you ever forget your growth was paid for by the blood of someone else."

"Wait, where is his body?"

"Gamakichi felt something was wrong so after he delivered the letter to Tsunade, he went back to Naruto, to find him bleeding out with a kunai through his heart. The poor boy reversed summoned Naruto to us but it was already too late. As is our custom, we buried him immediately."

"Can I visit the site? Pay my final respects?"

"No. We were quite clear about this Jiraiya. For the foreseeable future you will not be welcomed in our home. Just be glad you didn't lose the contract entirely. Now, I'll be off." Fukasaku said before returning to Mt. Myoboku.

Dear Brat,

Naruto, I had no idea you were feeling this way and seemingly had been for some time. I know it may not feel natural but you shouldn't try to deal with things like that by yourself, however I also understand you didn't feel like you had someone you could come to. That changes now. Whether it be me, Shizune or the toads, you don't have to carry the burdens of the world by yourself so if you're ever feeling overwhelmed, talk to someone. Write me a letter, do anything but harm yourself.

I'll let you in on a secret, hardly anyone knows how to get from who they are to who they want to be. The process was never meant to be taken alone. We're all just faking it until we reach a level of comfort, I still don't always feel like The Hokage and I'm… slightly older than you so if you don't have it all figured out at 13 I believe you can be forgiven. Luckily you are in a position to truly grow, not just as a shinobi but into the kind of man you want to be. I'll be sending training materials to aid in both pursuits. Use this time to grow stronger and reflect on things. Despite his failings, the toads helped Jiraiya become a powerful shinobi and I don't doubt for a moment you'll surpass him given enough time. You may feel you're at your lowest and the climb up won't be easy but I don't doubt for a moment you can get to where you want to be. I believe in you Naruto so don't lose faith in yourself.

I'm sending back the necklace. I gave it to you and I intend on you keeping it but I'll make you a deal. You can give it back to me the day you save me from all this paperwork.

Love,

Tsunade