Matrix Reloaded - the Parody.
by Adrian Tullberg.
***
Spoilers.
Slander.
Liberal use of foodstuffs.
You have been warned.
***
INT - DARK, DANK DRAIN SYSTEM.
Various Captains and their crews are gathered to make dastardly plots ...
NIOBE
The geotherms from the Osiris ...
GHOST
Seen in Final Flight of the Osiris, one of the many fine films in the Animatrix, seen only in select cinemas, or available on VHS and DVD.
NIOBE
... retrieved by us ...
GHOST
Featured in Enter the Matrix, the interactive actual part of the Matrix World now available on GameCube, Windows, Playstation2, and Xbox. Play me, the Ghost, or Captain Niobe ...
NIOBE
... okay, the Machines are using big ass drills to get down to Zion, and kill us all.
Everyone there DOWNLOADS in their pants.
The three survivors from the last film enter the meeting.
THE WACHOWSKIS
Notice how The One is wearing this priest-like garb, to demonstrate his ascent to a higher plane of thinking.
NEO
Did you guys know I'm naked underneath this thing?
MORPHEUS
Hmm. Either we're starting a compost franchise, or everyone in this room is concerned.
NEO looks distracted.
NEO
My Matrix sense is tingling. Or somebody farted. Either way, I'm heading upstairs.
Just in time too, because THREE AGENTS crash through the door
NEO
Sunglasses, yet no leather. Bad guys.
NEO delivers a whupping, then ascends.
NEO
Whoa! I'm faster than a speeding bullet time!
LINK
What the hell is all the flying around for? Couldn't he ... you know, teleport or something?
MORPHEUS
After Aintitcoolnews.com reviewed the Superman script? Let's just say Warner Brothers had a hell of a lot of flying effects technology doing fuck all ...
NEO (calling)
Thanks Harry Chubby Dude!
NEO makes sure he didn't loose his wallet in the Oracle's Old Place, then uploads to the real world.
NEO
Who the hell are you?
LINK
Oh, I'm Tank's low-cost replacement.
TRINITY
Remember he was kicked off after he wanted a raise? Yeah, like he had a chance.
MORPHEUS
We need every cent to make you look good in this flick. Hey, we turned down Jet Li for a part because of the budget.
TRINITY
Oh my god. Jet Li, the one person who could justify all the wire-fu we've been ripping off?
NEO
Wow, I feel so wanted.
In ZION, leaving the Neb, MORPHEUS is frogmarched away by some MILITARY GOONS of COMMANDER LOCK.
NEO
What is it between them?
TRINITY
Morpheus and Lock? Niobe.
NEO
Captain Niobe?
TRINITY
She used to be with Morpheus. Now she's with Lock.
NEO
What happened?
TRINITY
Morpheus went to the Oracle. After that everything changed.
LINK
Face it, when an all seeing, all knowing entity tells you your girlfriend's got the clap, you don't get metaphysical, you ditch the bitch.
NEO is soon assaulted by a RABID FANBOY
NEO
Oh Christ, it's my fan club.
LINK
Face it, if you're career tanks after this, you'll spend the rest of your life attending conventions were he's considered rational, charismatic, and attractive.
FANBOY
After all, you rise from the dead and are proclaimed saviour of the human race, you have to tolerate a bit of religious comparison.
TRINITY
He's right.
LINK
And you're not helping it by taking on characteristics adopted by the Egyptian Gods by openly shacking up with your sister.
TRINITY
He's ... WHAT?
LINK
Have you seen the posters for this movie? If you're not twins, I'm Michael J. Fox!
FANBOY
Yeah! I've doing a bit of thinking on this as well ...
TRINITY
Shut it ...
FANBOY (oblivious)
... and considering that the humans trapped within the Matrix were only meant to interact on a purely mental/digital level, there's no real need for the Machines to maintain a wide genetic diversity to create humans ...
TRINITY
I said ...
FANBOY
... and it's entirely feasible that the same person's been cloned hundreds, or thousands of times over, and the odds are pretty high that you and Neo are, in fact genetic siblings ...
TRINITY
SHUT UP! And you!
TRINITY points a threatening finger at NEO
TRINITY(cont'd)
Never. Ever Mention this again!
Lock and FANBOY stand behind Neo, making FLICKING MOTIONS and WHIP CRACKING NOISES.
MORPHEUS is taken to Captain Lock's Office.
MORPHEUS
Hello captain, I stand before you, my crotch remarkably itch free. How's things?
LOCK
Goddamnit, Morpheus! Not everyone believes what you believe!
MORPHEUS
My beliefs do not require them to. It is a known fact that in 1976, there was a Doctor Who episode where Tom Baker plugged his brain into a computer network called The Matrix and fought a virtual battle with another mind.
LOCK
I don't want to hear that shit! I don't care about Tom Baker or Grant Morrison or Plato or Descartes. I care about one thing: stopping that army from destroying this city, and to do that I need soldiers to obey my orders ... and something that will stop this goddamn itching ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Commander. Captain.
MORPHEUS
Councillor.
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Council's asked me to speak tonight, at the temple orgy.
MORPHEUS
I thought it was a dance?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Yeah, whatever. You wanna come along, make a pseudo-impressive speech? Portents of Armageddon tend to make the women a lot more eager to make it one more time, if you know what I mean ...
MORPHEUS is billed as the guest speaker at a religious gathering that looks suspiciously non-specific as per which deity or deities are actually worshipped ...
MORPHEUS
Let us celebrate! Let us rejoice in the fact ... that whitey is no longer ... The Man! That God has ... remade the world ... for The Brothers!
After the speech, NIOBE approached MORPHEUS
NIOBE
I remember. I remember you used to dance. I remember you were pretty good.
MORPHEUS
There are some things in this world, Captain Niobe, that will never change.
NIOBE starts SCRATCHING
MORPHEUS
And some things that will never clear up.
The Rave goes on ...
... and on ...
... and on ...
AUDIENCE (Checking their tickets)
Multiplex, not the X-rated theatre. Check.
... and on ...
AUDIENCE (cont'd)
The Matrix Reloaded, not Bikini Chocolate Fantasies. Check.
... and on ...
AUDIENCE
What the hell is going on?
Those who have SEEN THE FILM BEFORE go out, go to the toilet, chat up the girl at the Candy Bar, do some shopping...
TIT shots are interspersed with shots of KEANU'S ASS, which fuels much sexual-orientation confusion amongst young men in the audience for years to come.
AUDIENCE
Jesus Christ! If we wanted hot computer related action, we would have stayed home and started downloading!
After the collective population of Zion has been shagged out, NEO decides to take a post-coital walk. Big mistake, as he's approached by Hamann.
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Care for some company? I don't want to intrude if you prefer to be alone.
NEO
Well, my pants are up ... hell why not?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Want to get needlessly philosophical in the engineering section?
NEO
Well, I haven't tried to gouge out my eardrums since I last toked three weeks ago ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
There is so much in this world that I do not understand. Viagra for instance. One of those blue pills and I can go at it like a friggin' jackhammer...
NEO
Okay, okay.
... two weeks ago, I was able to convince two black hotties with a daddy fetish to engage in a little threeway action ...
NEO starts looking very ill ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
... I had those babes thinking they had seen the face of God. Then I got them to dress me in a leather corset, tie me up, oil me down and stick a ...
NEO
Does this have any point?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Hell no. No point. I just like telling people.
NEO
For the love of God, Why?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Wouldn't you?
NEO
Good point.
The next morning, Trinity is woken up by three burly men at the door who don't look like debt collectors.
TRINITY
Ballard.
Ballard
Is he here?
TRINITY
Hi, Trin, how's things?
Other Guy
Shut up, skank.
BALLARD
Look, we want to talk to the guy who has top billing, okay?
TRINITY
Assholes.
NEO is handed something vaguely electronic-looking.
NEO
Either it's from the Oracle, or confirmation of the Hardcore Asian Lesbian action I ordered. Either way, we have to go back into the Matrix.
The three plus Link go off to see the Wizard ... er, Oracle. NEO goes to a small shop in a Chinatown district, and, surprisingly enough, is met by a man of Chinese descent.
SERAPH
I am the low-budget replacement for Jet Li.
NEO
So this isn't the Chinatown Adult Emporium?
SERAPH
I am afraid not. Now I shall fight you.
They fight, with no clear winner or victory.
NEO
What the hell was that for?
SERAPH
You do not truly know someone until you fight them.
NEO
I bet you're still a virgin with that attitude, aren't you?
SERAPH
It worked in high school...
The two enter a seemingly endless corridor filled with doors.
SERAPH
These are the backdoors to the Matrix - an access system that can allow you to travel anywhere.
NEO
Can we make a side trip to the Playboy Mansion?
Alas, this is not to be, as they end up in a small, concreted park where the Oracle is waiting.
NEO
You're a program.
ORACLE
One hundred years of consultations, and out of all of humanity, it's Keanu Reeves who figures it out.
NEO
Cool
ORACLE
You guys are in trouble. Let's get to it. It's choice that's important.
NEO
Right.
ORACLE
Choice.
NEO
Yeah.
ORACLE
Choice.
NEO
Better write this down. Sounds important.
ORACLE
The 'i' comes after the 'o'.
NEO
Gotcha.
ORACLE
Two 'c's. No 's's.
NEO
...c - e. Okay.
ORACLE
Now get to this address and kidnap a small Chinese guy who makes keys.
Oracle gets the hell out of there before AGENT SMITH arrives on scene.
SMITH
Surprised to see me?
NEO
Considering I killed your ass? Hell yeah.
SMITH
Even though I tried, to act, like an emotionly stunted, machine, serving the system, diametrically opposed, to your techno-savvy rebel, I still had a fan base big enough, to demand a comic-book style return from the dead.
NEO
Crap.
SMITH
Now because ...
Suddenly, and to everyone else who completely missed the advertising for this flick, surprisingly, MORE SMITHS ARRIVE out of nowhere.
SMITH
... you took away ...
SMITH
... my purpose ...
SMITH
... I am going ...
SMITH
... to fulfill ...
SMITH
... the wishes ...
SMITH
... of every person who experienced ...
SMITH
... your British accent in Bram Stoker's Dracula ...
SMITH
... and kick your pasty white ass eight ways to Sunday.
NEO
Ah ... I thought you hated it? Your ... purpose? That's why you were so keen on kidnapping Morpheus in the last film?
SMITH
I had a guaranteed entry-level promotion to a political appointee position. My purpose would have been to entertain hot interns until the end of time!
NEO
Uh oh.
NEO starts fighting all the SMITHS at once. One goes flying into a wall.
SMITH
More!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
More Smith, or more CGI?
LARRY WACHOWSKI
He wasn't that clear, better make it both.
Eventually the Smiths overwhelm and pile on top of NEO
SMITH
Tell me Mr. Anderson ... have you ever been ... curious?
NEO
AHHH!
Neo frantically throws off the Smiths and prepares for takeoff ...
... and releases enough methane to power New York for a year. His coat flutters, the ground warps, and nearly every Smith dies instantly from suffocation as Neo flies into the distance.
NEO gets his behind back to reality
MORPHEUS
It was Smith.
NEO
Yes.
MORPHEUS
Now there's more than one of him
NEO
Either that or his lookalike club.
TRINITY
You should 'deleted' Smith instead of sending him to the 'Recycle Bin' ...
At ZION, Lock is trying to organise some kind of defence.
LOCK
And if we direct five of our ships to this critical junction point, this should give us even longer to bend over, grab our ankles, and kiss our puckered rectums goodbye.
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Yes. Where the hell is Neo?
Out with Morpheus ... you know, the bald Scientology freak?
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Okay send a ship to fetch him. No, two.
LOCK
What? Do you know how this will weaken our forces? And Neo? Okay, he's a hot shot in the Matrix, but how can that ability extend to a tactical situation in the real world ...
OBBSESSIVE NUTS IN THE AUDIENCE
That's what you think!
EVERYONE ELSE
Shut the fuck up!
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Well, I don't know if you know this, but we crackers stick together. Anyone want to look for this guy?
SOREN
Captain Soren of the Redshirt will answer the Council's call. The bastard owes me money.
NIOBE
Captain Niobe of the Logos will follow the remainder of the videogame.
INT - ELEVATOR
MORPHEUS
What can you see, Neo?
NEO
Jenna Jamesons's latest streaming video ... she's got this guy in a cowboy outfit tied to a bed, and she's greasing up...
TRINITY (gritted teeth)
The. Building.
NEO
Oh. It's strange, the code is somehow different.
MORPHEUS
Encrypted?
NEO
Maybe.
TRINITY
Is that good for us or bad for us?
NEO
Well, it looks like every floor is filled with the French.
TRINITY
Bad for us.
INT - RESTAURANT
THE MEROVINGIAN.
Hello, I am zee beeg French Arsehole, this is my wife with zee big knockers, and these are the Twins, two people who the studio hoped would be as big a bad guy as Smith, but lack the screentime, characterisation, and acting ability to make a credible threat. They will, however, inspire more slash fan fiction than what could be concievably considered healthy. Notice my sophistication and culture when I demonstrate that the French language is the best in the world when it comes to swearing.
NEO
Hmm ... the French Retreat
TRINITY
... they surrender ...
MORPHEUS
... they curse the invaders ...
TRINITY
... centuries of practice ...
NEO
Dunno 'bout you guys, but Frenchy's got me sold.
The Merovingian.
Listen. Choice is an illusion.
NEO
Whoa. I'm sensing a theme here guys. We'd better listen.
THE MEROVINGIAN.
To illustrate my point that humans are only reactionary animals, watch as I make that blonde over there blow her mind with a cake spiked with a looping code of Brad Pitt and 'Temple Of Doom'-era Harrison Ford oiling each other down while wearing loincloths.
TRINITY (to the waiter)
Six of what she had to go.
MORPHEUS
Make that twelve.
Everyone stares at Morpheus at this point.
NEO
What? Just because he's the leader of an anarchistic revolutionary cell with a messianic complex doesn't mean he hasn't any needs.
MORPHEUS
So you're not going to help us?
THE MEROVINGIAN
I'm French.
MORPHEUS
Sorry. Stupid question.
Before they leave, PERSEPHONE ambushes them and lures them into a MEN's ROOM
PERSEPHONE
I'll help you - but I want you to kiss me.
NEO
Okay.
PERSEPHONE
I want to feel what you feel for her ...
NEO
Will do.
PERSEPHONE
I want to be reminded of what ...
NEO
Jesus Christ! You're a Hot European Chick with Big Jugs! No more fucking exposition, okay?
Trinity pulls out a gun.
TRINITY
Hang on, I'm having some issues with this.
PERSEPHONE
Where the hell do you keep your guns in such a tight outfit?
TRINITY
Lubricant. Lots of Lubricant.
NEO
Honey? Saving the world here?
PERSEPHONE
I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her
NEO picks PERSEPHONE up, carries her to one of the stalls, and shuts the door. A FAST THUDDING RATTLES EVERY STALL IN THE ROW.
MORPHEUS raises an eyebrow at TRINITY
TRINITY
Why the hell in a city full of black guys, do you think I stick with him?
PERSEPHONE staggers out of the stall, NEO following.
PERSEPHONE
Such emotion over something so small.
NEO
Hang on. I know there was zero personal involvement invested in that hump, but let's not start with the libel, okay?
PERSEPHONE leads the trio to the Keymaker, and she and the Merovingian engage in a blazing row.
TRINITY
Shouldn't we get out of here while this soap opera's on?
MORPHEUS
Shh ... I think that any moment now she's about to reveal what he thought were his children, are in fact, born of a forbidden passionate affair with her cousin.
Merovingian
Get the little Chinese guy!
The TWINS GHOST OUT and head - slowly - towards MORPHEUS and TRINITY
MORPHEUS
Oh no, it's become an episode of Passions.
TRINITY
Exit, stage left!
NEO
Cool, fight scene!
NEO FORCE PULLS two sais to his hands.
THE MEROVINGIAN.
Sacre Bleu! George Lucas be suing somebody!
And, since he's French, he retreats post haste.
NEO, again, delivers a whupping.
AFTER a long freeway chase sequence, NEO ends up in a small room filled with monitor screens. And he finds out ...
NEO
The universe is run by Colonel Sanders? Now that Golden-Arch shaped birthmark is making sense ...
ARCHITECT
Some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. And after seeing the Bill and Ted films, I'll try to speak as slowly as possible. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
NEO
What the hell are the Wachowskis thinking? Gnostics, Kulturindustrie, Freud, religious symbolism, philosophy, strata within realties, packaged in an action movie? Are they on something? Not taking something? Deranged? Disturbed? Just plain nuts?
ARCHITECT
They're A-List Hollywood directors. There's a high degree of probability that the answer is 'all of the above'. Look, it's a big mind-job. We let you think there's a way of getting out of our control, but we're keeping your options limited to twentieth century mediocrity, or high-tech post industrial survival with a surplus of virtual leather and rubber. Kind of like choosing between Coke and Pepsi.
NEO
Choice. It's all about choice.
ARCHITECT
No shit Sherlock, the Wachowskis have been laying it on with a fucking trowel.
Neo's expression is completely blank.
ARCHITECT
Trowel ... a flat metal thing that you use to spread mortar or concrete with?
Still no response from the Chosen One.
ARCHITECT
Mortar ... concrete ... thick stuff you spread to make sure bricks stay together?
Light would have trouble escaping at this point.
ARCHITECT
Bricks ... rectangular heavy things that anybody else would be throwing at your head at this point in the conversation?
NEO
Oh! Yeah dude, got it now. Okay, one more thing. Considering I'm specifically designed to manipulate the digital reality we're both in, and that you're an integral part of the reality I can manipulate, what the hell is stopping me from taking your high level access codes and kicking the eleven secret herbs and spices out of you?
ARCHITECT
The only woman who will willingly sleep with you in a city full of black men is plunging to her death.
NEO
SHIT!
Neo gets the hell out of there, outruns a massive explosion and catches Trinity.
NEO
I saved you baby!
TRINITY
Did you fly above the skyscrapers so that the displaced air pressure didn't cause massive property damage and needless death?
NEO
Er ... yeah. Sure.
Neo sticks his hand in Trinity up to the wrist to pull out the bullet.
TRINITY
AHH! Er, honey? I really appreciate you trying to take out the bullet lodged in my upper abdomen, but I don't think you can reach it when you hand's stuck DOWN THERE!
NEO
Oooppsss ...
Neo puts his hand in the right place this time, and removes the bullet.
ONE HALF OF THE OBSESSIVES IN THE AUDIENCE
They're in another level of the Matrix!
THE OTHER HALF
No they're not!
THE FIRST GUYS
Yes they are!
THE OTHER ONES
No they're not!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
Yes! Discuss our film!
LARRY WACHOWSKI
Get involved in our quasi-religious plotline!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
Be irrestibly attracted to the third film featuring in November!
JOEL SILVER
Using plot and storyline to attract audiences? That's so crazy it just ... might ... work!
WACHOWSKIS
Better cover our bets.
JOEL SILVER
Put the trailer for the Novermber flick after the credits, so that the 90% that head straight for the toilets will have to watch it again!
As the credits run with music that was never heard in the movie, but will pad out the soundtrack, SILVER AND THE WACHOWSKIS unleash a peal of maniacal laughter ...
by Adrian Tullberg.
***
Spoilers.
Slander.
Liberal use of foodstuffs.
You have been warned.
***
INT - DARK, DANK DRAIN SYSTEM.
Various Captains and their crews are gathered to make dastardly plots ...
NIOBE
The geotherms from the Osiris ...
GHOST
Seen in Final Flight of the Osiris, one of the many fine films in the Animatrix, seen only in select cinemas, or available on VHS and DVD.
NIOBE
... retrieved by us ...
GHOST
Featured in Enter the Matrix, the interactive actual part of the Matrix World now available on GameCube, Windows, Playstation2, and Xbox. Play me, the Ghost, or Captain Niobe ...
NIOBE
... okay, the Machines are using big ass drills to get down to Zion, and kill us all.
Everyone there DOWNLOADS in their pants.
The three survivors from the last film enter the meeting.
THE WACHOWSKIS
Notice how The One is wearing this priest-like garb, to demonstrate his ascent to a higher plane of thinking.
NEO
Did you guys know I'm naked underneath this thing?
MORPHEUS
Hmm. Either we're starting a compost franchise, or everyone in this room is concerned.
NEO looks distracted.
NEO
My Matrix sense is tingling. Or somebody farted. Either way, I'm heading upstairs.
Just in time too, because THREE AGENTS crash through the door
NEO
Sunglasses, yet no leather. Bad guys.
NEO delivers a whupping, then ascends.
NEO
Whoa! I'm faster than a speeding bullet time!
LINK
What the hell is all the flying around for? Couldn't he ... you know, teleport or something?
MORPHEUS
After Aintitcoolnews.com reviewed the Superman script? Let's just say Warner Brothers had a hell of a lot of flying effects technology doing fuck all ...
NEO (calling)
Thanks Harry Chubby Dude!
NEO makes sure he didn't loose his wallet in the Oracle's Old Place, then uploads to the real world.
NEO
Who the hell are you?
LINK
Oh, I'm Tank's low-cost replacement.
TRINITY
Remember he was kicked off after he wanted a raise? Yeah, like he had a chance.
MORPHEUS
We need every cent to make you look good in this flick. Hey, we turned down Jet Li for a part because of the budget.
TRINITY
Oh my god. Jet Li, the one person who could justify all the wire-fu we've been ripping off?
NEO
Wow, I feel so wanted.
In ZION, leaving the Neb, MORPHEUS is frogmarched away by some MILITARY GOONS of COMMANDER LOCK.
NEO
What is it between them?
TRINITY
Morpheus and Lock? Niobe.
NEO
Captain Niobe?
TRINITY
She used to be with Morpheus. Now she's with Lock.
NEO
What happened?
TRINITY
Morpheus went to the Oracle. After that everything changed.
LINK
Face it, when an all seeing, all knowing entity tells you your girlfriend's got the clap, you don't get metaphysical, you ditch the bitch.
NEO is soon assaulted by a RABID FANBOY
NEO
Oh Christ, it's my fan club.
LINK
Face it, if you're career tanks after this, you'll spend the rest of your life attending conventions were he's considered rational, charismatic, and attractive.
FANBOY
After all, you rise from the dead and are proclaimed saviour of the human race, you have to tolerate a bit of religious comparison.
TRINITY
He's right.
LINK
And you're not helping it by taking on characteristics adopted by the Egyptian Gods by openly shacking up with your sister.
TRINITY
He's ... WHAT?
LINK
Have you seen the posters for this movie? If you're not twins, I'm Michael J. Fox!
FANBOY
Yeah! I've doing a bit of thinking on this as well ...
TRINITY
Shut it ...
FANBOY (oblivious)
... and considering that the humans trapped within the Matrix were only meant to interact on a purely mental/digital level, there's no real need for the Machines to maintain a wide genetic diversity to create humans ...
TRINITY
I said ...
FANBOY
... and it's entirely feasible that the same person's been cloned hundreds, or thousands of times over, and the odds are pretty high that you and Neo are, in fact genetic siblings ...
TRINITY
SHUT UP! And you!
TRINITY points a threatening finger at NEO
TRINITY(cont'd)
Never. Ever Mention this again!
Lock and FANBOY stand behind Neo, making FLICKING MOTIONS and WHIP CRACKING NOISES.
MORPHEUS is taken to Captain Lock's Office.
MORPHEUS
Hello captain, I stand before you, my crotch remarkably itch free. How's things?
LOCK
Goddamnit, Morpheus! Not everyone believes what you believe!
MORPHEUS
My beliefs do not require them to. It is a known fact that in 1976, there was a Doctor Who episode where Tom Baker plugged his brain into a computer network called The Matrix and fought a virtual battle with another mind.
LOCK
I don't want to hear that shit! I don't care about Tom Baker or Grant Morrison or Plato or Descartes. I care about one thing: stopping that army from destroying this city, and to do that I need soldiers to obey my orders ... and something that will stop this goddamn itching ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Commander. Captain.
MORPHEUS
Councillor.
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Council's asked me to speak tonight, at the temple orgy.
MORPHEUS
I thought it was a dance?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Yeah, whatever. You wanna come along, make a pseudo-impressive speech? Portents of Armageddon tend to make the women a lot more eager to make it one more time, if you know what I mean ...
MORPHEUS is billed as the guest speaker at a religious gathering that looks suspiciously non-specific as per which deity or deities are actually worshipped ...
MORPHEUS
Let us celebrate! Let us rejoice in the fact ... that whitey is no longer ... The Man! That God has ... remade the world ... for The Brothers!
After the speech, NIOBE approached MORPHEUS
NIOBE
I remember. I remember you used to dance. I remember you were pretty good.
MORPHEUS
There are some things in this world, Captain Niobe, that will never change.
NIOBE starts SCRATCHING
MORPHEUS
And some things that will never clear up.
The Rave goes on ...
... and on ...
... and on ...
AUDIENCE (Checking their tickets)
Multiplex, not the X-rated theatre. Check.
... and on ...
AUDIENCE (cont'd)
The Matrix Reloaded, not Bikini Chocolate Fantasies. Check.
... and on ...
AUDIENCE
What the hell is going on?
Those who have SEEN THE FILM BEFORE go out, go to the toilet, chat up the girl at the Candy Bar, do some shopping...
TIT shots are interspersed with shots of KEANU'S ASS, which fuels much sexual-orientation confusion amongst young men in the audience for years to come.
AUDIENCE
Jesus Christ! If we wanted hot computer related action, we would have stayed home and started downloading!
After the collective population of Zion has been shagged out, NEO decides to take a post-coital walk. Big mistake, as he's approached by Hamann.
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Care for some company? I don't want to intrude if you prefer to be alone.
NEO
Well, my pants are up ... hell why not?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Want to get needlessly philosophical in the engineering section?
NEO
Well, I haven't tried to gouge out my eardrums since I last toked three weeks ago ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
There is so much in this world that I do not understand. Viagra for instance. One of those blue pills and I can go at it like a friggin' jackhammer...
NEO
Okay, okay.
... two weeks ago, I was able to convince two black hotties with a daddy fetish to engage in a little threeway action ...
NEO starts looking very ill ...
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
... I had those babes thinking they had seen the face of God. Then I got them to dress me in a leather corset, tie me up, oil me down and stick a ...
NEO
Does this have any point?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Hell no. No point. I just like telling people.
NEO
For the love of God, Why?
COUNCILLOR HAMANN
Wouldn't you?
NEO
Good point.
The next morning, Trinity is woken up by three burly men at the door who don't look like debt collectors.
TRINITY
Ballard.
Ballard
Is he here?
TRINITY
Hi, Trin, how's things?
Other Guy
Shut up, skank.
BALLARD
Look, we want to talk to the guy who has top billing, okay?
TRINITY
Assholes.
NEO is handed something vaguely electronic-looking.
NEO
Either it's from the Oracle, or confirmation of the Hardcore Asian Lesbian action I ordered. Either way, we have to go back into the Matrix.
The three plus Link go off to see the Wizard ... er, Oracle. NEO goes to a small shop in a Chinatown district, and, surprisingly enough, is met by a man of Chinese descent.
SERAPH
I am the low-budget replacement for Jet Li.
NEO
So this isn't the Chinatown Adult Emporium?
SERAPH
I am afraid not. Now I shall fight you.
They fight, with no clear winner or victory.
NEO
What the hell was that for?
SERAPH
You do not truly know someone until you fight them.
NEO
I bet you're still a virgin with that attitude, aren't you?
SERAPH
It worked in high school...
The two enter a seemingly endless corridor filled with doors.
SERAPH
These are the backdoors to the Matrix - an access system that can allow you to travel anywhere.
NEO
Can we make a side trip to the Playboy Mansion?
Alas, this is not to be, as they end up in a small, concreted park where the Oracle is waiting.
NEO
You're a program.
ORACLE
One hundred years of consultations, and out of all of humanity, it's Keanu Reeves who figures it out.
NEO
Cool
ORACLE
You guys are in trouble. Let's get to it. It's choice that's important.
NEO
Right.
ORACLE
Choice.
NEO
Yeah.
ORACLE
Choice.
NEO
Better write this down. Sounds important.
ORACLE
The 'i' comes after the 'o'.
NEO
Gotcha.
ORACLE
Two 'c's. No 's's.
NEO
...c - e. Okay.
ORACLE
Now get to this address and kidnap a small Chinese guy who makes keys.
Oracle gets the hell out of there before AGENT SMITH arrives on scene.
SMITH
Surprised to see me?
NEO
Considering I killed your ass? Hell yeah.
SMITH
Even though I tried, to act, like an emotionly stunted, machine, serving the system, diametrically opposed, to your techno-savvy rebel, I still had a fan base big enough, to demand a comic-book style return from the dead.
NEO
Crap.
SMITH
Now because ...
Suddenly, and to everyone else who completely missed the advertising for this flick, surprisingly, MORE SMITHS ARRIVE out of nowhere.
SMITH
... you took away ...
SMITH
... my purpose ...
SMITH
... I am going ...
SMITH
... to fulfill ...
SMITH
... the wishes ...
SMITH
... of every person who experienced ...
SMITH
... your British accent in Bram Stoker's Dracula ...
SMITH
... and kick your pasty white ass eight ways to Sunday.
NEO
Ah ... I thought you hated it? Your ... purpose? That's why you were so keen on kidnapping Morpheus in the last film?
SMITH
I had a guaranteed entry-level promotion to a political appointee position. My purpose would have been to entertain hot interns until the end of time!
NEO
Uh oh.
NEO starts fighting all the SMITHS at once. One goes flying into a wall.
SMITH
More!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
More Smith, or more CGI?
LARRY WACHOWSKI
He wasn't that clear, better make it both.
Eventually the Smiths overwhelm and pile on top of NEO
SMITH
Tell me Mr. Anderson ... have you ever been ... curious?
NEO
AHHH!
Neo frantically throws off the Smiths and prepares for takeoff ...
... and releases enough methane to power New York for a year. His coat flutters, the ground warps, and nearly every Smith dies instantly from suffocation as Neo flies into the distance.
NEO gets his behind back to reality
MORPHEUS
It was Smith.
NEO
Yes.
MORPHEUS
Now there's more than one of him
NEO
Either that or his lookalike club.
TRINITY
You should 'deleted' Smith instead of sending him to the 'Recycle Bin' ...
At ZION, Lock is trying to organise some kind of defence.
LOCK
And if we direct five of our ships to this critical junction point, this should give us even longer to bend over, grab our ankles, and kiss our puckered rectums goodbye.
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Yes. Where the hell is Neo?
Out with Morpheus ... you know, the bald Scientology freak?
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Okay send a ship to fetch him. No, two.
LOCK
What? Do you know how this will weaken our forces? And Neo? Okay, he's a hot shot in the Matrix, but how can that ability extend to a tactical situation in the real world ...
OBBSESSIVE NUTS IN THE AUDIENCE
That's what you think!
EVERYONE ELSE
Shut the fuck up!
TOKEN ELDERLY WHITE OFFICAL
Well, I don't know if you know this, but we crackers stick together. Anyone want to look for this guy?
SOREN
Captain Soren of the Redshirt will answer the Council's call. The bastard owes me money.
NIOBE
Captain Niobe of the Logos will follow the remainder of the videogame.
INT - ELEVATOR
MORPHEUS
What can you see, Neo?
NEO
Jenna Jamesons's latest streaming video ... she's got this guy in a cowboy outfit tied to a bed, and she's greasing up...
TRINITY (gritted teeth)
The. Building.
NEO
Oh. It's strange, the code is somehow different.
MORPHEUS
Encrypted?
NEO
Maybe.
TRINITY
Is that good for us or bad for us?
NEO
Well, it looks like every floor is filled with the French.
TRINITY
Bad for us.
INT - RESTAURANT
THE MEROVINGIAN.
Hello, I am zee beeg French Arsehole, this is my wife with zee big knockers, and these are the Twins, two people who the studio hoped would be as big a bad guy as Smith, but lack the screentime, characterisation, and acting ability to make a credible threat. They will, however, inspire more slash fan fiction than what could be concievably considered healthy. Notice my sophistication and culture when I demonstrate that the French language is the best in the world when it comes to swearing.
NEO
Hmm ... the French Retreat
TRINITY
... they surrender ...
MORPHEUS
... they curse the invaders ...
TRINITY
... centuries of practice ...
NEO
Dunno 'bout you guys, but Frenchy's got me sold.
The Merovingian.
Listen. Choice is an illusion.
NEO
Whoa. I'm sensing a theme here guys. We'd better listen.
THE MEROVINGIAN.
To illustrate my point that humans are only reactionary animals, watch as I make that blonde over there blow her mind with a cake spiked with a looping code of Brad Pitt and 'Temple Of Doom'-era Harrison Ford oiling each other down while wearing loincloths.
TRINITY (to the waiter)
Six of what she had to go.
MORPHEUS
Make that twelve.
Everyone stares at Morpheus at this point.
NEO
What? Just because he's the leader of an anarchistic revolutionary cell with a messianic complex doesn't mean he hasn't any needs.
MORPHEUS
So you're not going to help us?
THE MEROVINGIAN
I'm French.
MORPHEUS
Sorry. Stupid question.
Before they leave, PERSEPHONE ambushes them and lures them into a MEN's ROOM
PERSEPHONE
I'll help you - but I want you to kiss me.
NEO
Okay.
PERSEPHONE
I want to feel what you feel for her ...
NEO
Will do.
PERSEPHONE
I want to be reminded of what ...
NEO
Jesus Christ! You're a Hot European Chick with Big Jugs! No more fucking exposition, okay?
Trinity pulls out a gun.
TRINITY
Hang on, I'm having some issues with this.
PERSEPHONE
Where the hell do you keep your guns in such a tight outfit?
TRINITY
Lubricant. Lots of Lubricant.
NEO
Honey? Saving the world here?
PERSEPHONE
I want you to kiss me as if you were kissing her
NEO picks PERSEPHONE up, carries her to one of the stalls, and shuts the door. A FAST THUDDING RATTLES EVERY STALL IN THE ROW.
MORPHEUS raises an eyebrow at TRINITY
TRINITY
Why the hell in a city full of black guys, do you think I stick with him?
PERSEPHONE staggers out of the stall, NEO following.
PERSEPHONE
Such emotion over something so small.
NEO
Hang on. I know there was zero personal involvement invested in that hump, but let's not start with the libel, okay?
PERSEPHONE leads the trio to the Keymaker, and she and the Merovingian engage in a blazing row.
TRINITY
Shouldn't we get out of here while this soap opera's on?
MORPHEUS
Shh ... I think that any moment now she's about to reveal what he thought were his children, are in fact, born of a forbidden passionate affair with her cousin.
Merovingian
Get the little Chinese guy!
The TWINS GHOST OUT and head - slowly - towards MORPHEUS and TRINITY
MORPHEUS
Oh no, it's become an episode of Passions.
TRINITY
Exit, stage left!
NEO
Cool, fight scene!
NEO FORCE PULLS two sais to his hands.
THE MEROVINGIAN.
Sacre Bleu! George Lucas be suing somebody!
And, since he's French, he retreats post haste.
NEO, again, delivers a whupping.
AFTER a long freeway chase sequence, NEO ends up in a small room filled with monitor screens. And he finds out ...
NEO
The universe is run by Colonel Sanders? Now that Golden-Arch shaped birthmark is making sense ...
ARCHITECT
Some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. And after seeing the Bill and Ted films, I'll try to speak as slowly as possible. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant.
NEO
What the hell are the Wachowskis thinking? Gnostics, Kulturindustrie, Freud, religious symbolism, philosophy, strata within realties, packaged in an action movie? Are they on something? Not taking something? Deranged? Disturbed? Just plain nuts?
ARCHITECT
They're A-List Hollywood directors. There's a high degree of probability that the answer is 'all of the above'. Look, it's a big mind-job. We let you think there's a way of getting out of our control, but we're keeping your options limited to twentieth century mediocrity, or high-tech post industrial survival with a surplus of virtual leather and rubber. Kind of like choosing between Coke and Pepsi.
NEO
Choice. It's all about choice.
ARCHITECT
No shit Sherlock, the Wachowskis have been laying it on with a fucking trowel.
Neo's expression is completely blank.
ARCHITECT
Trowel ... a flat metal thing that you use to spread mortar or concrete with?
Still no response from the Chosen One.
ARCHITECT
Mortar ... concrete ... thick stuff you spread to make sure bricks stay together?
Light would have trouble escaping at this point.
ARCHITECT
Bricks ... rectangular heavy things that anybody else would be throwing at your head at this point in the conversation?
NEO
Oh! Yeah dude, got it now. Okay, one more thing. Considering I'm specifically designed to manipulate the digital reality we're both in, and that you're an integral part of the reality I can manipulate, what the hell is stopping me from taking your high level access codes and kicking the eleven secret herbs and spices out of you?
ARCHITECT
The only woman who will willingly sleep with you in a city full of black men is plunging to her death.
NEO
SHIT!
Neo gets the hell out of there, outruns a massive explosion and catches Trinity.
NEO
I saved you baby!
TRINITY
Did you fly above the skyscrapers so that the displaced air pressure didn't cause massive property damage and needless death?
NEO
Er ... yeah. Sure.
Neo sticks his hand in Trinity up to the wrist to pull out the bullet.
TRINITY
AHH! Er, honey? I really appreciate you trying to take out the bullet lodged in my upper abdomen, but I don't think you can reach it when you hand's stuck DOWN THERE!
NEO
Oooppsss ...
Neo puts his hand in the right place this time, and removes the bullet.
ONE HALF OF THE OBSESSIVES IN THE AUDIENCE
They're in another level of the Matrix!
THE OTHER HALF
No they're not!
THE FIRST GUYS
Yes they are!
THE OTHER ONES
No they're not!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
Yes! Discuss our film!
LARRY WACHOWSKI
Get involved in our quasi-religious plotline!
ANDY WACHOWSKI
Be irrestibly attracted to the third film featuring in November!
JOEL SILVER
Using plot and storyline to attract audiences? That's so crazy it just ... might ... work!
WACHOWSKIS
Better cover our bets.
JOEL SILVER
Put the trailer for the Novermber flick after the credits, so that the 90% that head straight for the toilets will have to watch it again!
As the credits run with music that was never heard in the movie, but will pad out the soundtrack, SILVER AND THE WACHOWSKIS unleash a peal of maniacal laughter ...