Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, I wouldn't have killed him. So dead and live they all belong to J.K. Rowling.
Author's Notes: This if my first HP fanfic. I'm still trying to get over Sirius's death (he was my favourite character), and I thought the ending of OotP needed a little bit more closure, so I just had to write this.
**********
"Harry", Lupin said warmly when he entered the room.
"Hello," said Harry. For the first time in five years he wasn't glad to be able to leave the Dursleys. He still hated them, of course, but this summer they hadn't made his life more miserable than it was anyway. He had just wanted to be alone, and Petunia, Vernon and even Dudley had ignored him for most of the time. Harry had been in his room, read books for school and tried not to think of Sirius continuously. He hadn't succeeded.
At least the Order of the Phoenix had new headquarters now, and he didn't have to return to Sirius's house with all the memories.
"Nice to see you again." Lupin smiled slightly. "How are you?"
"Fine". Harry really didn't want to discuss his feelings right now.
"That's good. That's good. You ..." Lupin paused. "You want some tea?"
Harry shrugged. "OK."
Lupin went through the door on the other side of the room. A minute later he came back, carrying two steaming cups. He didn't look at Harry when he put down one in front of him. There cup rattled on the table and tea spilled over the rim.
Lupin glanced hurriedly around the room, then he picked a rag up from the floor and wiped the table.
"I hope your aunt and uncle were nice to you."
"Yes, they were."
An awkward silence filled the room. Harry was not in the mood for small talk, and he wished that Ron and Hermione were already here. They were to arrive in the evening, and the day after tomorrow they would take the Hogwarts Express together.
"Drink," Lupin said, "before it gets cold."
Harry took a small sip, put the cup down on the table and stared into it.
"So ...", Lupin began. "I'm sorry that you had to spend the last weeks all alone. We should have had a talk earlier."
"No," Harry said angrily. "I don't want to talk." Not about him, not about Sirius.
"Look, I know it's not easy for you."
"Not easy? You don't know how it feels like! You don't know anything!"
Lupin looked at him and was silent. "He was my friend, too," he said quietly after a while.
Harry didn't answer.
"I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do ..."
"Bring him back!" Harry burst out violently.
"I wish I could." Lupin stared at a point over Harry's shoulder. Then he looked at him again. "I miss
him. All those years I had thought ... and then there was such a short time before I lost Padfoot ..." Lupin broke off and swallowed visibly. "Before I lost Sirius again. Now I'm really the last one of us."
"He will come back," Harry said, but he had already stopped believing it.
"No one who goes beyond the veil ever comes back. He's dead, Harry. We've always known that fighting Voldemort is dangerous. I believe he would have wanted to go that way, fighting." Lupin smiled wryly. "He hated having to stay in the house, doing nothing."
But if he had done just that, he would be still alive now. "It's all my fault," Harry said slowly.
Lupin looked surprised. "That's not true."
"It is. I stopped taking the Occlumency lessons, so Voldemort could send me the dream. There would have been no reason for Sirius to go there. And I was even to stupid to remember the mirror he had given me. If I had spoken to him ..."
"There's no reason for self-reproaches, Harry. You meant only the best when you went to rescue him. And for not continuing the Occlumency lessons, Snape is the one to blame. I should have made sure he taught you."
"I hate him!" Harry said furiously. "And I hate Dumbledore for not telling me anything. And I hate myself." He buried his face in his hands.
"Look at me."
Harry didn't listen to him anymore. He didn't want to be here and talk about Sirius. He wanted to be left alone and hide all those horrible feelings deep inside.
"He was my best friend," Lupin said. "It hurts like hell that he is gone. But I don't blame you for anything."
"He would still be alive if I ..."
"OK, so you made mistakes. We all did. None of us is perfect, and even he was far from that. But you are young, and your intentions were the best. Blaming yourself won't bring him back. Stop brooding."
Harry raised his head and met Lupin's serious look. "Am I supposed to go on as if nothing had happened?"
"It will never be the same anymore. But you have to go on eventually. I know he would want you to do it."
"I don't want to. Why does all of this have to happen?" Harry slammed his fist down on the table. "It's me that Voldemort is after. Sirius died because he wanted to protect me. How many of my friends will have to die before it is over - one way or the other?"
"It's not about you. It's about doing the right thing and fighting against evil. That's what we chose to do. If it weren't for you, people would die anyway, but no one would have stopped Voldemort from getting the Philosopher's Stone or ..."
"I don't want to do this anymore." Hermione had said he loved to play the hero, but now he was really sick of all the hero stuff.
"You don't have to do it alone. We are there for you, the Order, your friends, and we will help you."
"And which one of you wants to be killed next?" Harry said cynically. "Why don't you just leave me alone."
"You know why."
Harry hesitated. Of course he knew that nothing was more important than stopping Voldemort. He had known for almost five years. He couldn't go and hide somewhere, and pretend that the prophecy didn't exist. And now he was beginning to realise that his friends would never be safe until it was all over. Suddenly he felt cold. There was nothing he could do ... except for killing Voldemort. No, it wasn't playing the hero now. He knew he had to do it, and he knew he would never be able to do it without help.
Sirius would have helped.
"I feel so alone since ..." Harry let the sentence trail off.
"So do I," Lupin said quietly.
They were silent for a while, but it was no uncomfortable silence.
Harry lifted his cup and discovered that the tea had gone cold.
"I'll make another cup." Lupin stood up and disappeared through the door.
Harry sat alone and thought of Sirius, of his daring courage, of the smile he broke into so rarely, of the happy moments they had shared together. The feeling of loss inside him grew, rose up like a wave and broke through to the surface, turning into flowing tears.
When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he tried to stop sobbing. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and looked into Lupin's pale face where he saw his own grief mirrored. Lupin said nothing, but he pulled Harry into a long hug.
Author's Notes: This if my first HP fanfic. I'm still trying to get over Sirius's death (he was my favourite character), and I thought the ending of OotP needed a little bit more closure, so I just had to write this.
**********
"Harry", Lupin said warmly when he entered the room.
"Hello," said Harry. For the first time in five years he wasn't glad to be able to leave the Dursleys. He still hated them, of course, but this summer they hadn't made his life more miserable than it was anyway. He had just wanted to be alone, and Petunia, Vernon and even Dudley had ignored him for most of the time. Harry had been in his room, read books for school and tried not to think of Sirius continuously. He hadn't succeeded.
At least the Order of the Phoenix had new headquarters now, and he didn't have to return to Sirius's house with all the memories.
"Nice to see you again." Lupin smiled slightly. "How are you?"
"Fine". Harry really didn't want to discuss his feelings right now.
"That's good. That's good. You ..." Lupin paused. "You want some tea?"
Harry shrugged. "OK."
Lupin went through the door on the other side of the room. A minute later he came back, carrying two steaming cups. He didn't look at Harry when he put down one in front of him. There cup rattled on the table and tea spilled over the rim.
Lupin glanced hurriedly around the room, then he picked a rag up from the floor and wiped the table.
"I hope your aunt and uncle were nice to you."
"Yes, they were."
An awkward silence filled the room. Harry was not in the mood for small talk, and he wished that Ron and Hermione were already here. They were to arrive in the evening, and the day after tomorrow they would take the Hogwarts Express together.
"Drink," Lupin said, "before it gets cold."
Harry took a small sip, put the cup down on the table and stared into it.
"So ...", Lupin began. "I'm sorry that you had to spend the last weeks all alone. We should have had a talk earlier."
"No," Harry said angrily. "I don't want to talk." Not about him, not about Sirius.
"Look, I know it's not easy for you."
"Not easy? You don't know how it feels like! You don't know anything!"
Lupin looked at him and was silent. "He was my friend, too," he said quietly after a while.
Harry didn't answer.
"I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do ..."
"Bring him back!" Harry burst out violently.
"I wish I could." Lupin stared at a point over Harry's shoulder. Then he looked at him again. "I miss
him. All those years I had thought ... and then there was such a short time before I lost Padfoot ..." Lupin broke off and swallowed visibly. "Before I lost Sirius again. Now I'm really the last one of us."
"He will come back," Harry said, but he had already stopped believing it.
"No one who goes beyond the veil ever comes back. He's dead, Harry. We've always known that fighting Voldemort is dangerous. I believe he would have wanted to go that way, fighting." Lupin smiled wryly. "He hated having to stay in the house, doing nothing."
But if he had done just that, he would be still alive now. "It's all my fault," Harry said slowly.
Lupin looked surprised. "That's not true."
"It is. I stopped taking the Occlumency lessons, so Voldemort could send me the dream. There would have been no reason for Sirius to go there. And I was even to stupid to remember the mirror he had given me. If I had spoken to him ..."
"There's no reason for self-reproaches, Harry. You meant only the best when you went to rescue him. And for not continuing the Occlumency lessons, Snape is the one to blame. I should have made sure he taught you."
"I hate him!" Harry said furiously. "And I hate Dumbledore for not telling me anything. And I hate myself." He buried his face in his hands.
"Look at me."
Harry didn't listen to him anymore. He didn't want to be here and talk about Sirius. He wanted to be left alone and hide all those horrible feelings deep inside.
"He was my best friend," Lupin said. "It hurts like hell that he is gone. But I don't blame you for anything."
"He would still be alive if I ..."
"OK, so you made mistakes. We all did. None of us is perfect, and even he was far from that. But you are young, and your intentions were the best. Blaming yourself won't bring him back. Stop brooding."
Harry raised his head and met Lupin's serious look. "Am I supposed to go on as if nothing had happened?"
"It will never be the same anymore. But you have to go on eventually. I know he would want you to do it."
"I don't want to. Why does all of this have to happen?" Harry slammed his fist down on the table. "It's me that Voldemort is after. Sirius died because he wanted to protect me. How many of my friends will have to die before it is over - one way or the other?"
"It's not about you. It's about doing the right thing and fighting against evil. That's what we chose to do. If it weren't for you, people would die anyway, but no one would have stopped Voldemort from getting the Philosopher's Stone or ..."
"I don't want to do this anymore." Hermione had said he loved to play the hero, but now he was really sick of all the hero stuff.
"You don't have to do it alone. We are there for you, the Order, your friends, and we will help you."
"And which one of you wants to be killed next?" Harry said cynically. "Why don't you just leave me alone."
"You know why."
Harry hesitated. Of course he knew that nothing was more important than stopping Voldemort. He had known for almost five years. He couldn't go and hide somewhere, and pretend that the prophecy didn't exist. And now he was beginning to realise that his friends would never be safe until it was all over. Suddenly he felt cold. There was nothing he could do ... except for killing Voldemort. No, it wasn't playing the hero now. He knew he had to do it, and he knew he would never be able to do it without help.
Sirius would have helped.
"I feel so alone since ..." Harry let the sentence trail off.
"So do I," Lupin said quietly.
They were silent for a while, but it was no uncomfortable silence.
Harry lifted his cup and discovered that the tea had gone cold.
"I'll make another cup." Lupin stood up and disappeared through the door.
Harry sat alone and thought of Sirius, of his daring courage, of the smile he broke into so rarely, of the happy moments they had shared together. The feeling of loss inside him grew, rose up like a wave and broke through to the surface, turning into flowing tears.
When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he tried to stop sobbing. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and looked into Lupin's pale face where he saw his own grief mirrored. Lupin said nothing, but he pulled Harry into a long hug.