I own nothing, ya hear me? Nothing!
Dedicated to my wonderful beta Rina, who assures me not all Americans wear leggings. Remus lays awake thinking and gets a visit from beyond the grave, SLASH SB/RL. Hey, I have the same Initials as Sirius Black, fancy that! The song is by Aerosmith and is called. well, see below.
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Remus lay awake staring at the empty space beside him teary eyed. He wondered, should he roll over into it? Breathe in the still lingering scent that had once again been denied to him by fate? Did he dare cross the unspoken barrier drawn down the middle of there, wait, HIS bed, to where HE used to sleep?
No, not yet, he wasn't ready just yet. Now was to soon to be close to him again.
Remus Sighed and dragged a hand down over his eyes, he'd had enough of tears. Tears don't bring back the dead. He'd learned that a long time ago. No, now was the time to move on, after all; he should be used to losing his friends to the Dark Lord by now, shouldn't he? Peter, James, Lily. now Sirius.
Sirius wasn't, hadn't, just been his friend though, had he? Padfoot had been everything to him.
'He was my north, my south, my east and west, He was my working week and my Sunday rest'
He sighed, quoting the famous poem by W. H. Auden. Was this how he had felt from his lovers death? Remus didn't blame him. Only now did he really understand the true meaning of those words. He wanted to shut out the world and have a hundred years to grieve, but no, he had to stay strong for Harry.
'Who was there to staying strong for him? The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.'
He felt his eyes fill up once again with tears he refused to shed. He could weep for a millennium and Sirius would still not come back to him. He closed his eyes and turned into his pillow, soaking it through for the fifth night in a row. He didn't want to fall asleep, his dreams where plagued with Sirius' face as he fell through the arch and into death. Or it was dreams about the good times they shared, only to wake up to misery again, he didn't know which was worse.
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
"Where are you Siri?" He all but screamed into the darkness of the pillow before he felt a slight breeze on his shoulder.
"Why I'm right here Moony."
Remus' head snapped up and he grasped at the figure lying beside him, arms crossed over his chest and silly grin on his hansom face.
"Sirius?" he whisperd, disbelieving his eyes, "I thought you would go on!"
Sirius smiled softly and pushed his hair back from his eyes; Remus was reminded of James so suddenly it hurt.
"Calm down Moony, anyone would think you'd seen a ghost." Sirius laughed, "I did choose to go on, but it seems I get to say good bye 'cause I died so quickly."
Remus gave a shuddering sigh and studied Sirius' face closely, knowing he would never see him again flesh, and once more a tear escaped and ran down his face, he wiped it away furiously, reminded of a time not that different from this twenty years ago. Sirius seemed to remember it as well, his expression softened and he smiled sadly.
"Crying over me again Moony? I've not seen you do that in such a long time," His voice was soft, careful, "and like I told you back then; I'm not worth your sorrow."
"And if I remember correctly I told you to shut up and kiss me."
"Is that what you want now?"
"Yes." And so he did, but instead of the Cigarettes and alcohol he usually tasted of by nightfall; there was nothing. And although Remus could feel the shadow of what would be solid flesh and silky hair underneath his fingertips, it wasn't really Sirius. They broke apart when Remus' need for oxygen became too much for him. The man buried his face into Sirius' neck, holding him tight as if he was afraid Sirius would disappear if he didn't.
"Have you seen James?" he asked after a couple of minutes, dreading the answer he was longing to hear.
"Yes. They're happy, you should see it, we can be any age, think about it Remus, teenagers again!"
"Did they ask for Harry?"
"Yes."
"And?"
Sirius sighed, "I told them, everything, but it doesn't matter anymore. He'll die anyway, sooner or later. And when he does, he'll go to them and have a proper childhood."
Remus was somewhat taken aback by Sirius' complete lack of concern about the little boy, as if Sirius could read his mind he continued, "This is like, just a practice life, Moony. Wait, wait until you see paradise.'
"You should have gone to Harry."
"You need this more than he does, and besides, I needed to tell. to tell you something."
Sirius turned his head so he could look at the blank wall beside him and brought a hand up to run through Remus' Hair, pulling it through his finger. Remus sighed as his eyes fell shut, old familiarities. He was falling asleep, and Sirius let him doze for a minute, god knew how little sleep the man had lost over the past week. He watched the sandy haired Man repeatedly trying to wake himself up. And then falling back into what seemed to be a pleasant dream, his lip quirking into a smile every now and again.
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Remus seemed to finally manage to wake himself up for Sirius, and blinking, stared up at him.
"I never said this when I was alive."
"What?"
"I wanted to, gods did I want to."
"What?"
"I. love you, Remus."
Those four little words where too much for Remus, he buried his face into Sirius Jumper, "Please please don't let this be a dream, Paddy, please!" he choked out.
"Shhh, shhh honey its not a dream, lover." Sirius held him tighter, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back.
"Take me with you."
"No, no love, you've got to stay alive."
"Oh really? Remind me, why?" Remus said bitterly, causing Sirius to frown slightly, Remus could be sarcastic, cynical even, but he was never bitter.
"You've got some things to do before you die. Be happy while you're living for you're a long time dead, Remus."
"What if I can't get to you, what if monsters go some place else?"
"You're not a monster Remus."
Silence.
"How long have you got with me?"
"About half an hour now."
"Sirius?"
"Yuh huh?"
"Will. god, this sounds lame, and it's like something out of a teen movie."
"What is it?"
"Make love to me Siri?" Sirius smiled, it didn't sound lame, not when it was Remus saying it. Moving his hands down to cup Remus' backside Remus looked at him questioningly.
"Do you think we can, what with you being a. what ever you are?" Sirius lifted his hips up to brush against Remus, showing that yes, they very much could have sex.
"There's one way to fid out." Remus moved to press his lips against Sirius', his hands tugging at his jumper. Sirius' hands were at Remus' Boxers, breaking the kiss so his jumper could be pulled over his head he panted
"When have you ever worn anything in our bed, naughty boy, you know I don't like it."
"Mmm, you'll have to punish me."
"Oh you will be."
Sirius rolled them over so he could pin Remus down beneath him, who growled in the back of his throat, ripping Sirius' Jeans down with his hands and then with his feet, a skill perfected over the years. Sirius laughed at his lovers' determination. He was going to miss this, him. Still, two years and Remus would be back with him, if not sooner, the stress would be the final evil that got him in the end.
Unbuttoning Remus' boxers slowly instead of making use of the elastic, Sirius Smiled at Remus' impatient little noises, his pretty little boy. Remus tried to regain his composure as Sirius leaned over to get some lubricant from the bedside cabinet. This had to last forever. Sirius inserted one finger into his love. Remus closed his eyes but not because of the pain, he'd done this far too many times in his lifetime for this to be sore.
"I love you Sirius. I swear I'll never, ever be with anyone but you again."
"Love you too."
Another finger, and then another, and then a brush against his prostrate making Remus gasp and grab hold of Sirius' back, his nails dragging down, soon the fingers were gone and being replaced by something much better.
"Make it slow, Siri."
"I wouldn't dream of anything else."
Sirius entered Remus gently, leaning down to kiss him and wrapping a hand around his erection, making Remus groan into his mouth. Slowly they made love, Sirius stroking Remus' length in time with his thrusts until it sent them both over the edge. They lay in silence afterwards; the only sound was Remus' breathing. Slowly as the time past, Sirius let his lover drift almost into sleep before speaking.
"Remus, love?"
"Wha?" Remus muttered sleepily, Sirius' lips moved into a smile of sheer agony, to do this to Remus now.
"Tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll think this was all a dream. It wasn't, but you'll think it was."
Remus opened his eyes wide in protest, shaking his sandy head. "No I-"
"You will. Just know that I love you, ok? And that I'm waiting for you."
"I-"
"Shhh, sleep now, my lovely one, beauty."
Remus shook his head even as his eyelids closed. "I don't want to close my eyes, you wont be here when I wake up."
Sirius chuckled softly and prodded Remus on the nose gently, " You're just like Steve Tyler: I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, Cause I'd miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing, Cause even when I dream of you, The sweetest dream will never do, I'd still miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing."
He sang it in a hushed whisper, waiting till Remus was asleep before uncurling his arm from around him and getting off of there bed and kneeling down beside it, as if in prayer.
"No one could ever love me like you did, no one has or will and I'm so completely alone, even with James and Lily there." He pushed his hair out of his eyes, getting angry at himself at the hot tears pouring down his face, " Knowing that only in your death will I find relief is more of a torture than you will ever be able to know."
He stood up, wandered around the bed to lean on their desk, picking up a quill his played around with it in his fingers before continuing.
"Sometimes, I feel its like I've got stuck in a vast puddle of black mud, and its pulling me down into it, tearing away my flesh and my happiness until I'm just bare bone, I wonder if this is hell. I can feel the mud pouring down my throat, through my ears, my nose. I cough, only in succeeding to send more of the retched death down into my lungs. It freezes me from the inside out; the last thing I see as I go under is a cloudless yellow sky. The colour of you're eyes was the last thing I saw." Sighing, he looked at his lovers sleeping form for the last time before he would be gone from Remus' mortal life forever.
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
* * *
Remus climbed into his little Volkswagen Beetle and revved up his engine. He could probably do with getting a new car but he'd fallen in love with the bug. It would be like selling your grandmother. Turning on the radio an old favourite came filtering through the speakers, you couldn't really get better than Aerosmith, James hadn't liked most of their songs but all of them had like this one, it was probably half way done by the sound of Steve Tyler's voice
I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Remus felt a pang of something. There was something very important about those words, but he couldn't figure it out. Turning it up full blast, he could almost here Sirius laughing at him as he screamed out the last chorus and it made him smile.
'I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing'
*Sniff* yes well, I'm feeling very emotional just now, f*ck off if you didn't like it, *snnnnnnnnniff* SIRIUS BLACK IS NOT DEAD!!!!!! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!!! For those of you who read Poisoned Letters, sorry, but Remus Lupin has taken over my mind and I cant actually write anything else right now, but I'm working on it, I promise, the most I'll be at it is two weeks. Please R/R this has been my first song fic!!!! Love, peace and sour skittles Elendor xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dedicated to my wonderful beta Rina, who assures me not all Americans wear leggings. Remus lays awake thinking and gets a visit from beyond the grave, SLASH SB/RL. Hey, I have the same Initials as Sirius Black, fancy that! The song is by Aerosmith and is called. well, see below.
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Remus lay awake staring at the empty space beside him teary eyed. He wondered, should he roll over into it? Breathe in the still lingering scent that had once again been denied to him by fate? Did he dare cross the unspoken barrier drawn down the middle of there, wait, HIS bed, to where HE used to sleep?
No, not yet, he wasn't ready just yet. Now was to soon to be close to him again.
Remus Sighed and dragged a hand down over his eyes, he'd had enough of tears. Tears don't bring back the dead. He'd learned that a long time ago. No, now was the time to move on, after all; he should be used to losing his friends to the Dark Lord by now, shouldn't he? Peter, James, Lily. now Sirius.
Sirius wasn't, hadn't, just been his friend though, had he? Padfoot had been everything to him.
'He was my north, my south, my east and west, He was my working week and my Sunday rest'
He sighed, quoting the famous poem by W. H. Auden. Was this how he had felt from his lovers death? Remus didn't blame him. Only now did he really understand the true meaning of those words. He wanted to shut out the world and have a hundred years to grieve, but no, he had to stay strong for Harry.
'Who was there to staying strong for him? The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.'
He felt his eyes fill up once again with tears he refused to shed. He could weep for a millennium and Sirius would still not come back to him. He closed his eyes and turned into his pillow, soaking it through for the fifth night in a row. He didn't want to fall asleep, his dreams where plagued with Sirius' face as he fell through the arch and into death. Or it was dreams about the good times they shared, only to wake up to misery again, he didn't know which was worse.
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
"Where are you Siri?" He all but screamed into the darkness of the pillow before he felt a slight breeze on his shoulder.
"Why I'm right here Moony."
Remus' head snapped up and he grasped at the figure lying beside him, arms crossed over his chest and silly grin on his hansom face.
"Sirius?" he whisperd, disbelieving his eyes, "I thought you would go on!"
Sirius smiled softly and pushed his hair back from his eyes; Remus was reminded of James so suddenly it hurt.
"Calm down Moony, anyone would think you'd seen a ghost." Sirius laughed, "I did choose to go on, but it seems I get to say good bye 'cause I died so quickly."
Remus gave a shuddering sigh and studied Sirius' face closely, knowing he would never see him again flesh, and once more a tear escaped and ran down his face, he wiped it away furiously, reminded of a time not that different from this twenty years ago. Sirius seemed to remember it as well, his expression softened and he smiled sadly.
"Crying over me again Moony? I've not seen you do that in such a long time," His voice was soft, careful, "and like I told you back then; I'm not worth your sorrow."
"And if I remember correctly I told you to shut up and kiss me."
"Is that what you want now?"
"Yes." And so he did, but instead of the Cigarettes and alcohol he usually tasted of by nightfall; there was nothing. And although Remus could feel the shadow of what would be solid flesh and silky hair underneath his fingertips, it wasn't really Sirius. They broke apart when Remus' need for oxygen became too much for him. The man buried his face into Sirius' neck, holding him tight as if he was afraid Sirius would disappear if he didn't.
"Have you seen James?" he asked after a couple of minutes, dreading the answer he was longing to hear.
"Yes. They're happy, you should see it, we can be any age, think about it Remus, teenagers again!"
"Did they ask for Harry?"
"Yes."
"And?"
Sirius sighed, "I told them, everything, but it doesn't matter anymore. He'll die anyway, sooner or later. And when he does, he'll go to them and have a proper childhood."
Remus was somewhat taken aback by Sirius' complete lack of concern about the little boy, as if Sirius could read his mind he continued, "This is like, just a practice life, Moony. Wait, wait until you see paradise.'
"You should have gone to Harry."
"You need this more than he does, and besides, I needed to tell. to tell you something."
Sirius turned his head so he could look at the blank wall beside him and brought a hand up to run through Remus' Hair, pulling it through his finger. Remus sighed as his eyes fell shut, old familiarities. He was falling asleep, and Sirius let him doze for a minute, god knew how little sleep the man had lost over the past week. He watched the sandy haired Man repeatedly trying to wake himself up. And then falling back into what seemed to be a pleasant dream, his lip quirking into a smile every now and again.
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Remus seemed to finally manage to wake himself up for Sirius, and blinking, stared up at him.
"I never said this when I was alive."
"What?"
"I wanted to, gods did I want to."
"What?"
"I. love you, Remus."
Those four little words where too much for Remus, he buried his face into Sirius Jumper, "Please please don't let this be a dream, Paddy, please!" he choked out.
"Shhh, shhh honey its not a dream, lover." Sirius held him tighter, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back.
"Take me with you."
"No, no love, you've got to stay alive."
"Oh really? Remind me, why?" Remus said bitterly, causing Sirius to frown slightly, Remus could be sarcastic, cynical even, but he was never bitter.
"You've got some things to do before you die. Be happy while you're living for you're a long time dead, Remus."
"What if I can't get to you, what if monsters go some place else?"
"You're not a monster Remus."
Silence.
"How long have you got with me?"
"About half an hour now."
"Sirius?"
"Yuh huh?"
"Will. god, this sounds lame, and it's like something out of a teen movie."
"What is it?"
"Make love to me Siri?" Sirius smiled, it didn't sound lame, not when it was Remus saying it. Moving his hands down to cup Remus' backside Remus looked at him questioningly.
"Do you think we can, what with you being a. what ever you are?" Sirius lifted his hips up to brush against Remus, showing that yes, they very much could have sex.
"There's one way to fid out." Remus moved to press his lips against Sirius', his hands tugging at his jumper. Sirius' hands were at Remus' Boxers, breaking the kiss so his jumper could be pulled over his head he panted
"When have you ever worn anything in our bed, naughty boy, you know I don't like it."
"Mmm, you'll have to punish me."
"Oh you will be."
Sirius rolled them over so he could pin Remus down beneath him, who growled in the back of his throat, ripping Sirius' Jeans down with his hands and then with his feet, a skill perfected over the years. Sirius laughed at his lovers' determination. He was going to miss this, him. Still, two years and Remus would be back with him, if not sooner, the stress would be the final evil that got him in the end.
Unbuttoning Remus' boxers slowly instead of making use of the elastic, Sirius Smiled at Remus' impatient little noises, his pretty little boy. Remus tried to regain his composure as Sirius leaned over to get some lubricant from the bedside cabinet. This had to last forever. Sirius inserted one finger into his love. Remus closed his eyes but not because of the pain, he'd done this far too many times in his lifetime for this to be sore.
"I love you Sirius. I swear I'll never, ever be with anyone but you again."
"Love you too."
Another finger, and then another, and then a brush against his prostrate making Remus gasp and grab hold of Sirius' back, his nails dragging down, soon the fingers were gone and being replaced by something much better.
"Make it slow, Siri."
"I wouldn't dream of anything else."
Sirius entered Remus gently, leaning down to kiss him and wrapping a hand around his erection, making Remus groan into his mouth. Slowly they made love, Sirius stroking Remus' length in time with his thrusts until it sent them both over the edge. They lay in silence afterwards; the only sound was Remus' breathing. Slowly as the time past, Sirius let his lover drift almost into sleep before speaking.
"Remus, love?"
"Wha?" Remus muttered sleepily, Sirius' lips moved into a smile of sheer agony, to do this to Remus now.
"Tomorrow, when you wake up, you'll think this was all a dream. It wasn't, but you'll think it was."
Remus opened his eyes wide in protest, shaking his sandy head. "No I-"
"You will. Just know that I love you, ok? And that I'm waiting for you."
"I-"
"Shhh, sleep now, my lovely one, beauty."
Remus shook his head even as his eyelids closed. "I don't want to close my eyes, you wont be here when I wake up."
Sirius chuckled softly and prodded Remus on the nose gently, " You're just like Steve Tyler: I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to fall asleep, Cause I'd miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing, Cause even when I dream of you, The sweetest dream will never do, I'd still miss you babe, And I don't want to miss a thing."
He sang it in a hushed whisper, waiting till Remus was asleep before uncurling his arm from around him and getting off of there bed and kneeling down beside it, as if in prayer.
"No one could ever love me like you did, no one has or will and I'm so completely alone, even with James and Lily there." He pushed his hair out of his eyes, getting angry at himself at the hot tears pouring down his face, " Knowing that only in your death will I find relief is more of a torture than you will ever be able to know."
He stood up, wandered around the bed to lean on their desk, picking up a quill his played around with it in his fingers before continuing.
"Sometimes, I feel its like I've got stuck in a vast puddle of black mud, and its pulling me down into it, tearing away my flesh and my happiness until I'm just bare bone, I wonder if this is hell. I can feel the mud pouring down my throat, through my ears, my nose. I cough, only in succeeding to send more of the retched death down into my lungs. It freezes me from the inside out; the last thing I see as I go under is a cloudless yellow sky. The colour of you're eyes was the last thing I saw." Sighing, he looked at his lovers sleeping form for the last time before he would be gone from Remus' mortal life forever.
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
* * *
Remus climbed into his little Volkswagen Beetle and revved up his engine. He could probably do with getting a new car but he'd fallen in love with the bug. It would be like selling your grandmother. Turning on the radio an old favourite came filtering through the speakers, you couldn't really get better than Aerosmith, James hadn't liked most of their songs but all of them had like this one, it was probably half way done by the sound of Steve Tyler's voice
I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Remus felt a pang of something. There was something very important about those words, but he couldn't figure it out. Turning it up full blast, he could almost here Sirius laughing at him as he screamed out the last chorus and it made him smile.
'I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
I don't want to miss a thing'
*Sniff* yes well, I'm feeling very emotional just now, f*ck off if you didn't like it, *snnnnnnnnniff* SIRIUS BLACK IS NOT DEAD!!!!!! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!!! For those of you who read Poisoned Letters, sorry, but Remus Lupin has taken over my mind and I cant actually write anything else right now, but I'm working on it, I promise, the most I'll be at it is two weeks. Please R/R this has been my first song fic!!!! Love, peace and sour skittles Elendor xxxxxxxxxxxxxx