A/N: I've finally squeezed one out! A fic I feel like publishing. A
.hack//Sign fic at that! Somehow I've always found the games easier to
write about, but Tsukasa is a character that has intrigued me for a while
now. I feel that if I write a fic about this character, I can understand
their background a little more as I do. Oh yeah, and beware of the spoiler
fairies. I'm only going off what I know, so let me know how I'm doing or if
I'm wrong about something. Reviews are welcome, as is constructive
criticism, and flames will be used to roast my marshmallows with. Enjoy!
Forced Identity
School. It was supposed to be her refuge.
Truth be told, school was also not a happy place for the young girl, but it was sadly a far happier place than her home. But at school, she could at least access computer terminals in peace; not like at home. At home, she was allowed a mere two hours. At school she had until she went home, even if only after school hours. Today however, she had taken too long. She was much later than usual.
Her slender legs worked to pump the pedals of her bike as best she could in her school uniform. From all the exercise and the heat outside, a fine sheet of sweat had covered her delicate facial features. Ignoring the sweat that had trickled down her face, she rounded the corner of the street she lived on, practically jumping off her bike when she reached her drive way.
Fumbling through her small backpack for her key as she stood in front of the door, her heart raced as she tried to get in as soon as possible. The door opened for her, a large hand shooting out and grabbing her roughly by the wrist. She squealed in protest as the powerful arm yanked her through the door frame, tears already forming at the corners of her eyes.
"You're late." boomed the voice that belonged to the arm. She nodded quickly, stuttering as she tried to gain the courage to speak. Maybe even make up an excuse. But it wouldn't work...he didn't believe in excuses. Not from her.
"I-I'm...I'm sorry, father..." was all she could manage. The already harsh grip on her wrist tightened as he brought her to meet his face.
"Sorry doesn't turn the clock back ten minutes!" She could smell the alcohol on his breath. He jerked her around by her wrist again, feeling it pop slightly in the process as he brought his hand back.
"P-please, father..." she choked out, knowing what to expect for violating his strict rules. "don't make h-hurt...!" A look of disgust and annoyance crossed over his face.
"Hurt?" He scoffed. "You haven't seen hurt yet!" The hand was brought down, the backside of it swiftly connecting with her face, knocking the cowering child to the floor. With sobs racking her body she attempted to get up and face the drunken lecture she would receive. Suddenly, she felt the very same hand roughly grab her auburn hair, yanking harshly on it as she could not help but release another shriek.
"Gotta cut that damned hair of your before it gets any longer." He snorted. "Startin' to look like a girl with hair like that. Do you understand me?" Finally releasing her from any kind of hold, she scrambled to her feet, bowing in apology.
"Y-yes, sir." She lifted her head, but did not dare meet his menacing gaze. She saw him motion upstairs out of the corner of her eye.
"Now get up there and do your homework! And if I catch you playing that damned game instead I'll lock your computer up in storage for two months!" He done it before. He'd do it again.
Running upstairs she tossed her bag onto her bed, grabbed a change of regular clothes, and headed towards the bathroom. Shutting and locking the door, she proceeded to change, pulling off her female school uniform, remembering how angry her father was that she had to wear it and how he had blamed it all on her.
She flinched as the shirt she was removing came into contact with her left cheek. Tossing the shirt to the corner where the rest of her uniform resided, she looked in the mirror. A bruise had begun to form where she had been hit. Her slender fingers crept up to her face to inspect the injury. She cringed upon touching it, praying it would not remain for long. Though no one talked to her regularly, her teacher asked questions when she saw the black marks that were obvious on her pale, soft skin.
"I tripped and fell."
"I ran in to the edge of the door."
"I landed on my arm when I fell off my bike."
She was starting to run out of excuses. She was about as coordinated as the adverage teenager, which wasn't saying much at all, but she wasn't a clutz. All she could do was blame herself when questioned. She didn't want any trouble, she just wanted to be left alone. However, it seemed to her that the people that want to be left alone the most are the ones that are left alone the least.
Constantly made fun of by her classmates for having her nose in a gaming magazine or a graphic novel, the teenage girl was never truly left alone. Her class was the only one that picked on her at least. During lunch hour, the other students didn't bother her. They were too busy with talking with their friends or significant others. Why should they bother with one girl when they had to keep their own lives outside of the classroom in check? Oh, a guy teased her here and there, but that was about all.
Sometimes she would look at the couples in envy. She didn't particularly find any of the guys attractive - mostly due to the way she was brought up, but it was more that they had someone. Someone they could share their deepest fears or closests secrets with. Did some of them know what they had? To the teenage girl, it didn't seem so. A few pairs might have, but with some others, it just seemed like they were playing a game. She overheard so many unspeakable things in the girls bathroom. Most of the topics were their boyfriends or friends. After the conversations, they would cling to their partner's arm as if it were no big deal and talk with their best friend like they had said nothing at all.
This world is so...crazy.
A world where no one could be themselves, and those that were themselves were persecuted. Even she could not be herself. Her father would not let her. She couldn't help that she was female; it wasn't as though the brown haired teenager had a choice. But after her mother had passed away, her father quickly set out to change things and raised her as though she were a boy. In his drunken fits he sometimes forgot she was really a girl. He wanted a boy, and he hated her for not being one. Deep in the back of her mind, she knew he hated her...blamed her for everything. But she took it all instride.
Dressing like a boy didn't bother her that much. She looked over the change of clothes she had picked out. Boy's clothes. That was all she was bought, never a skirt, never jewelry, not even feminine undergarments. She was not allowed to have anything of the like and was forced to wear men's underwear. Even her hair was shorter than the adverage female adolescent.
She looked at herself in the mirror again. She saw the auburn colored hair was starting to reach her shoulders again. She also saw the bruise on her cheek again. She looked down, trying not to have to see her pitiful form that the mirror mocked her with, only to see a part of her she hated the most. Her chest. Or more precisely, her breasts. This was what unmistakably defined her as a woman. They could not be hidden, as the bumps in her shirts always gave them away.
Growling in frustration, she turned to face the left, giving her body a profile in the mirror. She grappled with the two pieces of flesh, trying to push them into her chest, flatten them out somehow. The sports bra she had kept secretly helped make them a bit more discreet, but as her body kept developing they were getting harder to hide.
The young student grip them a little harder, annoyed at their continued presence. She knew they wouldn't leave, but only if they were not there. They were the reason her father hated her. The lower half of her body was easily hid, but the upper half made her maturing features more obvious. She thanked the heavens she at least wasn't pretty. She knew she wasn't, as she was reminded everyday. Sighing defeatedly, she released her grip and set about putting her regular clothes on.
If only she could have been a boy, she would have had his love. She wouldn't have to live in hell. But she was no fool. True, the auburn haired girl's grade's were not the best due to her apathy, but most of her intelligence would put an adult to shame. Adults were, after all, too selfish to be intelligent. Too busy promoting themselves or trying to work their way up to proverbial ladder to stop and think. So she knew very well she was stuck the way she was.
Returning to her room, she opened up a random school book. Algebra. Fun. She pretended to start the assignment, knowing fully well that her father was about to open her door and make sure she was working. Sure enough, five minutes into the assignment he came in. She looked up at him for a brief moment before returning to her work.
He walked back out, leaving her door open only a crack so he could check again without opening the door. Waiting until she heard him go back downstairs the teenager began listening carefully for signs of her father leaving for work. The constant sound of him walking back and forth across the living room were telltale signs of his coming departure. She heard the door close but did not make a move for the computer just yet. She'd learned the hard way to be patient.
She heard the sound of a car starting up and then driving off. She worked casually on the homework for about five minutes before slamming the book closed. Peering out the blinds of her window, the young teenage girl was finally confident her father was gone. Practically jumping into her computer chair, she booted up her terminal, watching the name of the operating system, Altimit, fly across the screen as her desktop loaded.
Smiling for the first time all day, she slipped on the neuro goggles as she double clicked the "The World" icon and was greeted by the log-in screen.
Login name: Tsukasa Password: *****
Familiar golden rings descended around her as she warped into one of the root towns of the game; Mac Anu. Looking down at her alter ego, she smiled with satisfaction. In this world, she could be a boy and no one would know. In this world, she could speak her mind unafraid of others. In this world, she was Tsukasa the wavemaster; he wasn't afraid of anything. And most importantly, in this world, she was alone.
Tsukasa smirked to himself as he headed into town and sat down at his favorite spot. No one ever really came to this area, and he had a good view of the lake that the town was built upon. Sighing contently, the wavemaster picked up a rock and tossed it into the water, watching the ripple the stone made upon contact with the liquid.
This is my world. he thought somberly as he gazed up at the stars. His peace was broken, however by the sound of footsteps. The violet eyed boy turned his head so the person could be caught just out of the corner of his eye. Some Long Arm. He turned back to his lake and his stars.
"Hey there," greeted the spearsman. "care to join my party? We need one more and it'd be great to have a wavemaster with us." Tsukasa was sure it would be great to have a wavemaster. But he came here to be alone, and so he did not bother to even answer the intruder of his privacy. After standing there for thirty seconds, it became apparent that he wasn't going to leave without some help.
"Leave me alone." stated the silver haired boy. The long arm made a confused noise.
"Huh? What's the problem?" he inquired. The amethyst eyes of the young boy closed in silent frustration.
"I said go away!" This time he put a bit more force into his voice. Taking the hint, the player finally walked away, leaving the platinum haired boy to his peaceful solitude.
With so many people playing "The World", he was occasionally bother by people wanting to "party up" or "buddy up" with him. Those kinds of people bothered him. In the real world, he was harassed all day. He wished he could make people in this world understand that this was the only place where he received privacy. No one ordered him around or told him what to do here.
Standing up, Tsukasa went to the item shop, making sure he was stocked up on items before he went exploring. Father would not be home till morning, so he had all night to explore before school started in the morning, as opposed to the usual restrictions. Sleep was not something that was of much value, but staying in this world, his world, was very valuable indeed. He didn't need anyone else, even if deep down inside the player knew she didn't want to be alone anymore
End of Chapter 1
Forced Identity
School. It was supposed to be her refuge.
Truth be told, school was also not a happy place for the young girl, but it was sadly a far happier place than her home. But at school, she could at least access computer terminals in peace; not like at home. At home, she was allowed a mere two hours. At school she had until she went home, even if only after school hours. Today however, she had taken too long. She was much later than usual.
Her slender legs worked to pump the pedals of her bike as best she could in her school uniform. From all the exercise and the heat outside, a fine sheet of sweat had covered her delicate facial features. Ignoring the sweat that had trickled down her face, she rounded the corner of the street she lived on, practically jumping off her bike when she reached her drive way.
Fumbling through her small backpack for her key as she stood in front of the door, her heart raced as she tried to get in as soon as possible. The door opened for her, a large hand shooting out and grabbing her roughly by the wrist. She squealed in protest as the powerful arm yanked her through the door frame, tears already forming at the corners of her eyes.
"You're late." boomed the voice that belonged to the arm. She nodded quickly, stuttering as she tried to gain the courage to speak. Maybe even make up an excuse. But it wouldn't work...he didn't believe in excuses. Not from her.
"I-I'm...I'm sorry, father..." was all she could manage. The already harsh grip on her wrist tightened as he brought her to meet his face.
"Sorry doesn't turn the clock back ten minutes!" She could smell the alcohol on his breath. He jerked her around by her wrist again, feeling it pop slightly in the process as he brought his hand back.
"P-please, father..." she choked out, knowing what to expect for violating his strict rules. "don't make h-hurt...!" A look of disgust and annoyance crossed over his face.
"Hurt?" He scoffed. "You haven't seen hurt yet!" The hand was brought down, the backside of it swiftly connecting with her face, knocking the cowering child to the floor. With sobs racking her body she attempted to get up and face the drunken lecture she would receive. Suddenly, she felt the very same hand roughly grab her auburn hair, yanking harshly on it as she could not help but release another shriek.
"Gotta cut that damned hair of your before it gets any longer." He snorted. "Startin' to look like a girl with hair like that. Do you understand me?" Finally releasing her from any kind of hold, she scrambled to her feet, bowing in apology.
"Y-yes, sir." She lifted her head, but did not dare meet his menacing gaze. She saw him motion upstairs out of the corner of her eye.
"Now get up there and do your homework! And if I catch you playing that damned game instead I'll lock your computer up in storage for two months!" He done it before. He'd do it again.
Running upstairs she tossed her bag onto her bed, grabbed a change of regular clothes, and headed towards the bathroom. Shutting and locking the door, she proceeded to change, pulling off her female school uniform, remembering how angry her father was that she had to wear it and how he had blamed it all on her.
She flinched as the shirt she was removing came into contact with her left cheek. Tossing the shirt to the corner where the rest of her uniform resided, she looked in the mirror. A bruise had begun to form where she had been hit. Her slender fingers crept up to her face to inspect the injury. She cringed upon touching it, praying it would not remain for long. Though no one talked to her regularly, her teacher asked questions when she saw the black marks that were obvious on her pale, soft skin.
"I tripped and fell."
"I ran in to the edge of the door."
"I landed on my arm when I fell off my bike."
She was starting to run out of excuses. She was about as coordinated as the adverage teenager, which wasn't saying much at all, but she wasn't a clutz. All she could do was blame herself when questioned. She didn't want any trouble, she just wanted to be left alone. However, it seemed to her that the people that want to be left alone the most are the ones that are left alone the least.
Constantly made fun of by her classmates for having her nose in a gaming magazine or a graphic novel, the teenage girl was never truly left alone. Her class was the only one that picked on her at least. During lunch hour, the other students didn't bother her. They were too busy with talking with their friends or significant others. Why should they bother with one girl when they had to keep their own lives outside of the classroom in check? Oh, a guy teased her here and there, but that was about all.
Sometimes she would look at the couples in envy. She didn't particularly find any of the guys attractive - mostly due to the way she was brought up, but it was more that they had someone. Someone they could share their deepest fears or closests secrets with. Did some of them know what they had? To the teenage girl, it didn't seem so. A few pairs might have, but with some others, it just seemed like they were playing a game. She overheard so many unspeakable things in the girls bathroom. Most of the topics were their boyfriends or friends. After the conversations, they would cling to their partner's arm as if it were no big deal and talk with their best friend like they had said nothing at all.
This world is so...crazy.
A world where no one could be themselves, and those that were themselves were persecuted. Even she could not be herself. Her father would not let her. She couldn't help that she was female; it wasn't as though the brown haired teenager had a choice. But after her mother had passed away, her father quickly set out to change things and raised her as though she were a boy. In his drunken fits he sometimes forgot she was really a girl. He wanted a boy, and he hated her for not being one. Deep in the back of her mind, she knew he hated her...blamed her for everything. But she took it all instride.
Dressing like a boy didn't bother her that much. She looked over the change of clothes she had picked out. Boy's clothes. That was all she was bought, never a skirt, never jewelry, not even feminine undergarments. She was not allowed to have anything of the like and was forced to wear men's underwear. Even her hair was shorter than the adverage female adolescent.
She looked at herself in the mirror again. She saw the auburn colored hair was starting to reach her shoulders again. She also saw the bruise on her cheek again. She looked down, trying not to have to see her pitiful form that the mirror mocked her with, only to see a part of her she hated the most. Her chest. Or more precisely, her breasts. This was what unmistakably defined her as a woman. They could not be hidden, as the bumps in her shirts always gave them away.
Growling in frustration, she turned to face the left, giving her body a profile in the mirror. She grappled with the two pieces of flesh, trying to push them into her chest, flatten them out somehow. The sports bra she had kept secretly helped make them a bit more discreet, but as her body kept developing they were getting harder to hide.
The young student grip them a little harder, annoyed at their continued presence. She knew they wouldn't leave, but only if they were not there. They were the reason her father hated her. The lower half of her body was easily hid, but the upper half made her maturing features more obvious. She thanked the heavens she at least wasn't pretty. She knew she wasn't, as she was reminded everyday. Sighing defeatedly, she released her grip and set about putting her regular clothes on.
If only she could have been a boy, she would have had his love. She wouldn't have to live in hell. But she was no fool. True, the auburn haired girl's grade's were not the best due to her apathy, but most of her intelligence would put an adult to shame. Adults were, after all, too selfish to be intelligent. Too busy promoting themselves or trying to work their way up to proverbial ladder to stop and think. So she knew very well she was stuck the way she was.
Returning to her room, she opened up a random school book. Algebra. Fun. She pretended to start the assignment, knowing fully well that her father was about to open her door and make sure she was working. Sure enough, five minutes into the assignment he came in. She looked up at him for a brief moment before returning to her work.
He walked back out, leaving her door open only a crack so he could check again without opening the door. Waiting until she heard him go back downstairs the teenager began listening carefully for signs of her father leaving for work. The constant sound of him walking back and forth across the living room were telltale signs of his coming departure. She heard the door close but did not make a move for the computer just yet. She'd learned the hard way to be patient.
She heard the sound of a car starting up and then driving off. She worked casually on the homework for about five minutes before slamming the book closed. Peering out the blinds of her window, the young teenage girl was finally confident her father was gone. Practically jumping into her computer chair, she booted up her terminal, watching the name of the operating system, Altimit, fly across the screen as her desktop loaded.
Smiling for the first time all day, she slipped on the neuro goggles as she double clicked the "The World" icon and was greeted by the log-in screen.
Login name: Tsukasa Password: *****
Familiar golden rings descended around her as she warped into one of the root towns of the game; Mac Anu. Looking down at her alter ego, she smiled with satisfaction. In this world, she could be a boy and no one would know. In this world, she could speak her mind unafraid of others. In this world, she was Tsukasa the wavemaster; he wasn't afraid of anything. And most importantly, in this world, she was alone.
Tsukasa smirked to himself as he headed into town and sat down at his favorite spot. No one ever really came to this area, and he had a good view of the lake that the town was built upon. Sighing contently, the wavemaster picked up a rock and tossed it into the water, watching the ripple the stone made upon contact with the liquid.
This is my world. he thought somberly as he gazed up at the stars. His peace was broken, however by the sound of footsteps. The violet eyed boy turned his head so the person could be caught just out of the corner of his eye. Some Long Arm. He turned back to his lake and his stars.
"Hey there," greeted the spearsman. "care to join my party? We need one more and it'd be great to have a wavemaster with us." Tsukasa was sure it would be great to have a wavemaster. But he came here to be alone, and so he did not bother to even answer the intruder of his privacy. After standing there for thirty seconds, it became apparent that he wasn't going to leave without some help.
"Leave me alone." stated the silver haired boy. The long arm made a confused noise.
"Huh? What's the problem?" he inquired. The amethyst eyes of the young boy closed in silent frustration.
"I said go away!" This time he put a bit more force into his voice. Taking the hint, the player finally walked away, leaving the platinum haired boy to his peaceful solitude.
With so many people playing "The World", he was occasionally bother by people wanting to "party up" or "buddy up" with him. Those kinds of people bothered him. In the real world, he was harassed all day. He wished he could make people in this world understand that this was the only place where he received privacy. No one ordered him around or told him what to do here.
Standing up, Tsukasa went to the item shop, making sure he was stocked up on items before he went exploring. Father would not be home till morning, so he had all night to explore before school started in the morning, as opposed to the usual restrictions. Sleep was not something that was of much value, but staying in this world, his world, was very valuable indeed. He didn't need anyone else, even if deep down inside the player knew she didn't want to be alone anymore
End of Chapter 1