Crocodile's Alternative-Lifestyle Adventure
Chapter One: The Ad
Crocodile stood infront of a large window, moving the curtain a little, letting some late-afternoon light into the room as he looked upon the outside world of Alabasta below one of the higher floors in his casino. Nico sat in a a tacky blue, inflatable chair (Crocodile loved to furnish rooms nobody usually goes in with the most tacky objects imaginable), a notepad and pen in her lap as she amused herself with a cup and ball -- you never know which way that sucker's gonna go!
Crocodile closed the curtain and looked to Nico. "Miss All Sunday? May I have a..personal...word with you?" he asked, a little embarrased. Nico stopped playing with the cup and ball,
"Of course, Mr.0" she replied. What could Crocodile be wanting to ask her? Wait..could he be wishing to make all of her fangirlish dreams come true?!
"Miss All Sunday..As you know...Nights in Alabasta..Are very cold and lonely..Especially..For me..." Crocodile began. Nico clutched the notepad to her chest, eyes sparkling with glee -- Was her boss, Sir Crocodile, Mr.0, about to ask her what she thought he would?! "And..Recently, I've been more lonely than usual..I'm just craving affection and the attention of another human being.."
"Oh really Sir? What can I do for you? I'll do anything you ask!" she asked, almost giddy with pure delight. She knew that that stitch-faced, sexy, fur-coat wearing stud with the hook for a hand was going to ask her to spend the night with him.
"Oh really? Then you have no problem helping me look for a boyfriend? GREAT!" Crocodile said, clapping his hand against his hook.
"Anything for you s--...BOYFRIEND?!" Nico cried, falling backwards in the tacky inflatable chair. Crocodile nodded,
"Yes. Boyfriend."
"But...But Sir, with all do respect, I've never seen you with a man before.." Nico said, hoping that Crocodile was just, for some reason, confusing his genders.
"Well, I grow tired of women...They just don't do it for me...They don't like the cut of my jib." Crocodile said, getting out a Baroque Works cigar, putting it in his mouth and lighting it.
"I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB!!!" Nico cried, pulling herself and the chair up. Crocodile let out a hearty laugh while smoking,
"Oh Nico! You crack me up! Now go to the store and get me a paper. Then, you look through the personal ads for someone perfect for me," Crocodile instructed. Nico sighed,
"Sir, how the hell am I supposed to know what you're looking for in a man?" Nico said, grabbing the pen that fell from her lap and to the floor, getting ready to write things down. Crocodile rubbed his chin with his hand,
"Hmmm...What AM I looking for in a man?" he said, then starting to pace. "Well..I want someone who's..around the same age as me...maybe a little older..or younger...but not too old or young! I'm not sleeping with grandpa, and I'm not molest-your-children-Michael.." Crocodile stated, looking to Nico to see if she was writing this down.
"Molests children and the elderly.." Nico said as she wrote.
"No I don't!" Crocodile shot at her, defensivly. Nico added a 'Doesn't' infront of her sentance.
"What else?"
"Well..Someone with dark hair..I like people with black hair!" Crocodile said with a stupid grin. Nico sweatdropped and read as she wrote,
"Dark haired stranger with a knife.."
"Ohh..I like men with weapons...Good thinking, Miss All Sunday! Oh! I want a man with muscle..I like buff men...but...Not TOO buff..I like men like that Smoker fellow. Man he was hot."
"Uh-huh..Yeah, sure, okay." Nico said, writting and reading, "Hot man with a bod.."
"That phrasing works for me. It makes me happy." Crocodile said nodding,
"Argh, and you make me so mad I could kiss you," Nico growled.
"Huh? What was that Nico?" Crocodile asked, snapping back into reality from his fantasies about being with a dark-haired buff man with a knife who wasn't a children or an elderly.
"Piss glue. You make me so mad I could piss glue." Nico said quickly.
"...Wouldn't that hurt?"
"Yes. That's the point. Now, back to your kind of man..Personality wise, what do you want?"
"I could care less if he had the personality of a rock. I just want hot sex all day and all night," Crocodile said, putting his cigar out.
"...Really Sir? I never saw you as that type..." Nico said, sweatdropping.
"Oh I'm just kidding Miss All Sunday! Can't you hear me drip with sarcasm?"
"....No?" Nico said, looking around, unsure if Crocodile was being sarcastic about that or not. Crocodile broke out laughing once more.
"Oh Nico! If only more women were like you. Aha! I want a man who'll make me laugh! And..And tell me I'm pretty..And stroke my hair softly..And, and hold me close..And be over-protective of me! Someone who'll fight for my honour! Someone who will some days, come home from work so exhausted, that he'll just put his head in my lap, and fall asleep as I gently stroke his temples..Ahhh..." Crocodile said, sighing, flopping down on the retro-boogie couch that looked like it was straight from the 60's. It was yellow and lime green with electric blue paislies and flowers. Nico sweatdropped again, and wrote/read;
"I like being touched in various ways,"
"I also want him to make hot love to me while I'm tied up and powerless!" Crocodile squealed, sounding like a school-girl. Nico sweatdropped more, and added the word 'kinky' between 'various' and 'ways'.
"What else do you want, sir? Last point before I go get the paper.." Nico said, hoping this point wouldn't disturb her beyond all recognition.
"I want a man who'll save me from nazis. Yes. Nazis." Crocodile said, clutching a pillow close to him. "The nazis want my money.." he said, sniveling in fear. Nico sweatdropped and didn't bother writting that down.
"Sure sir. Alright. I'll go get the paper now," Nico said, getting up and leaving.
By the time Nico arrived back at the casino, Crocodile had moved down to the Baroque Works meeting room, and sat there on a chair, petting one of his Banana Crocodile's snout with care and alarm. "Who's a good Pickles? Yeah, you're a good Pickles!!" Crocodile said, kissing the crocodile on the snout. The crocodile waggled it's tail a little as Crocodile gave the creature's massive snout a hug of love and happiness.
"Erm...Sir?" Nico asked, timidly. Crocodile jumped and looked at her, wide-eyed,
"HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?!" he demanded, quickly getting up and ushering the crocodile back into the tank.
"I just got here! JUST! I saw nothing!" Nico said quickly. She always knew Crocodile had a unhealthy relationship with those animals. "Erm..Look!" she said, breaking the monentaral awkward silence. "I got the paper!"
"Ah! Excellent! Sit, read me the "Men Seeking Men" column." Crocodile said, crossing his legs and lighting up a new cigar. Nico sat down in one of the chairs at the meeting table and spread the paper out, then flipping to the personal section of the Alabasta Sun. Usually, the personal ads in this paper were stolen from other papers, but hey, it gave one a variety. Nico scanned through the articles, reading out the headings for one to spark Crocodile's interest.
"I Want a Man", "Me Hot You Now", "I'm a Pirate" --
"Ooh! Read that one! I love pirates! Hey! I'm a pirate too! Me and this guy already have so much in common!!" Crocodile said with a grin.
"Alright.." Nico said, clearing her throat to read the ad. "I don't like being touched, but I will wait on you hand and foot, however, I do have...anger management issues...and I have a tendancy to be pissy about everything...I'll kill you in your sleep after making you sign your will, granting everything to me..Rich people only please. No marines. No Jango. I'm pissed off at you still."
"..Too crazy." Crocodile said, sweatdropping. Nico read the headings again, until she reached one pretty far down on the scale,
"I'm Lonely and Have a Knife"
"Read that one!! Read it!!!!" Crocodile demanded, excited by the word 'knife'.
"I am tall, have dark hair, tanned skin, and carry around a bigass sword and a knife. I'm a master swordsman, and have the personality of a rock. If that doesn't make you fall instantly in love with me, I like to walk around shirtless -- mind you, I'm built like a tank and have abs you could grate cheese on. I also enjoy AHHH AHHH OH MY GOD!! MIHAWK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! OH GOD I'M CAUGHT!!! BEN!! BEN!!! HE'S GOT A KNIFE!! HELP!!!!!! Argh! Mihawk!! Look what you made me write! Now I have to do your personal ALL over again!" said Nico, sweatdropping. Whoever wrote this, was an idiot.
"Ooooo...CHEESE LIKE A GRILT BAITER?!" Crocodile cried. "I WANT THIS MAN!! Miss All Sunday! Write him a letter! Tell him what I want! Ask him if he'll protect me from nazis!! GO! DO IT NOW!! SEND IT OUT BEFORE THE MAILMAN OFF LEAVES!!!" Crocodile was too excited to make sense. Nico sweatdropped for the god only knows how many-ith time for that day, but got up with the paper, and left to write Crocodile's letter.
Nico sat in Crocodile's study to write out the letter. "Alright, I need to make this man repulsed by Sir Crocodile, so my precious Mr.0 will want me! BWHAHAHAH...Oh I'm so evil it's grand!" she said, writting out a letter to Mihawk.
Dear "Mihawk" aka p-ad #9075325188807911b
My name is Crocodile. SIR Crocodile. I don't molest children or the elderly, but I have an unhealthy relationship with my pet banana crocodiles. I own a Casino. I'm a pirate. Sorta. I live in Alabasta, and I can turn to sand. I'm attracted to men with hot bods. It makes me hot. Will you hold me and tell me I'm pretty and love me, even though I'm attracted to my pretty, young, secretary? Do you like children? I do. I want to adopt 30 of them with you. Will you marry me already? I'm a sea knight. Wanna go shave a dog? I know one. I don't like him. He has a big nose and once tried to bite me. I'm a sea knight. I'm annoying as hell sometimes and I'll nag you to death. I like booze, do you? Some people tell me I eat like a robot. I spread false news too. Let's meet. Send me a picture of yourself. I'm ugly. Tell me I'm pretty. I have a hook for a hand. I like pimps. Are you a pimp? I'm a sea knight. I don't like nazis -- they want my money. Will you protect me from them?
Blissfully Ignorant,
~Sir Crocodile
Nico smiled to herself and tossed the letter into an envelope, tossing on plenty of stamps, and putting the proper addresses on. She sealed it and then frowned. "Maybe this is TOO mean..." Nico said, thinking for a moment. "Naw!"
She then quickly went out, and beat the postman to the mailbox. Of course, she had to hit him in the face with as 2x4 and knock him out for a few minutes in the process, but still. Crocodile's letter to Mihawk was soon to be delivered. Crocodile had no clue what Nico had written, but he giddily awaited Mihawk's response..whenever it would come.
~End of Chapter One~
A Note From Baka Kitsune:
HIO WORLD!!! ^__^ Mah-ha. All love the Mihawk/Crocodile pairing. Aherm, chapter 2 will be on it's way eventually, I just wanted to write this up quick and get it out my system. I LIKE BUTTERED TOAST! *hugs Chopper*
Erm..anyways, yeeeah...I really don't like Nico, that's why I suck at writting as her (shuddap. I like Vivi and I'm LEARNING TO TOLERATE TASHIGI IN SOME SITUATIONS. u__u Lay off). Crocodile is fun to do heavily OOC, because he entertains me. I love Sir Crocodile. Anyways, yeah. I hope you all enjoyed this. If you're offended, well, too bad. If you're intriged, MARVELOUS! Wait for chapter 2. It contains Shanks and Ben and Mihawk. Oh yeah baby. Love 'em all. *noddum*
Please send all praise, gifts, money and brownies to
Jesus
C/O The Pentagon
Wyomning, Michigan
Margaritaville
Chapter One: The Ad
Crocodile stood infront of a large window, moving the curtain a little, letting some late-afternoon light into the room as he looked upon the outside world of Alabasta below one of the higher floors in his casino. Nico sat in a a tacky blue, inflatable chair (Crocodile loved to furnish rooms nobody usually goes in with the most tacky objects imaginable), a notepad and pen in her lap as she amused herself with a cup and ball -- you never know which way that sucker's gonna go!
Crocodile closed the curtain and looked to Nico. "Miss All Sunday? May I have a..personal...word with you?" he asked, a little embarrased. Nico stopped playing with the cup and ball,
"Of course, Mr.0" she replied. What could Crocodile be wanting to ask her? Wait..could he be wishing to make all of her fangirlish dreams come true?!
"Miss All Sunday..As you know...Nights in Alabasta..Are very cold and lonely..Especially..For me..." Crocodile began. Nico clutched the notepad to her chest, eyes sparkling with glee -- Was her boss, Sir Crocodile, Mr.0, about to ask her what she thought he would?! "And..Recently, I've been more lonely than usual..I'm just craving affection and the attention of another human being.."
"Oh really Sir? What can I do for you? I'll do anything you ask!" she asked, almost giddy with pure delight. She knew that that stitch-faced, sexy, fur-coat wearing stud with the hook for a hand was going to ask her to spend the night with him.
"Oh really? Then you have no problem helping me look for a boyfriend? GREAT!" Crocodile said, clapping his hand against his hook.
"Anything for you s--...BOYFRIEND?!" Nico cried, falling backwards in the tacky inflatable chair. Crocodile nodded,
"Yes. Boyfriend."
"But...But Sir, with all do respect, I've never seen you with a man before.." Nico said, hoping that Crocodile was just, for some reason, confusing his genders.
"Well, I grow tired of women...They just don't do it for me...They don't like the cut of my jib." Crocodile said, getting out a Baroque Works cigar, putting it in his mouth and lighting it.
"I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB!!!" Nico cried, pulling herself and the chair up. Crocodile let out a hearty laugh while smoking,
"Oh Nico! You crack me up! Now go to the store and get me a paper. Then, you look through the personal ads for someone perfect for me," Crocodile instructed. Nico sighed,
"Sir, how the hell am I supposed to know what you're looking for in a man?" Nico said, grabbing the pen that fell from her lap and to the floor, getting ready to write things down. Crocodile rubbed his chin with his hand,
"Hmmm...What AM I looking for in a man?" he said, then starting to pace. "Well..I want someone who's..around the same age as me...maybe a little older..or younger...but not too old or young! I'm not sleeping with grandpa, and I'm not molest-your-children-Michael.." Crocodile stated, looking to Nico to see if she was writing this down.
"Molests children and the elderly.." Nico said as she wrote.
"No I don't!" Crocodile shot at her, defensivly. Nico added a 'Doesn't' infront of her sentance.
"What else?"
"Well..Someone with dark hair..I like people with black hair!" Crocodile said with a stupid grin. Nico sweatdropped and read as she wrote,
"Dark haired stranger with a knife.."
"Ohh..I like men with weapons...Good thinking, Miss All Sunday! Oh! I want a man with muscle..I like buff men...but...Not TOO buff..I like men like that Smoker fellow. Man he was hot."
"Uh-huh..Yeah, sure, okay." Nico said, writting and reading, "Hot man with a bod.."
"That phrasing works for me. It makes me happy." Crocodile said nodding,
"Argh, and you make me so mad I could kiss you," Nico growled.
"Huh? What was that Nico?" Crocodile asked, snapping back into reality from his fantasies about being with a dark-haired buff man with a knife who wasn't a children or an elderly.
"Piss glue. You make me so mad I could piss glue." Nico said quickly.
"...Wouldn't that hurt?"
"Yes. That's the point. Now, back to your kind of man..Personality wise, what do you want?"
"I could care less if he had the personality of a rock. I just want hot sex all day and all night," Crocodile said, putting his cigar out.
"...Really Sir? I never saw you as that type..." Nico said, sweatdropping.
"Oh I'm just kidding Miss All Sunday! Can't you hear me drip with sarcasm?"
"....No?" Nico said, looking around, unsure if Crocodile was being sarcastic about that or not. Crocodile broke out laughing once more.
"Oh Nico! If only more women were like you. Aha! I want a man who'll make me laugh! And..And tell me I'm pretty..And stroke my hair softly..And, and hold me close..And be over-protective of me! Someone who'll fight for my honour! Someone who will some days, come home from work so exhausted, that he'll just put his head in my lap, and fall asleep as I gently stroke his temples..Ahhh..." Crocodile said, sighing, flopping down on the retro-boogie couch that looked like it was straight from the 60's. It was yellow and lime green with electric blue paislies and flowers. Nico sweatdropped again, and wrote/read;
"I like being touched in various ways,"
"I also want him to make hot love to me while I'm tied up and powerless!" Crocodile squealed, sounding like a school-girl. Nico sweatdropped more, and added the word 'kinky' between 'various' and 'ways'.
"What else do you want, sir? Last point before I go get the paper.." Nico said, hoping this point wouldn't disturb her beyond all recognition.
"I want a man who'll save me from nazis. Yes. Nazis." Crocodile said, clutching a pillow close to him. "The nazis want my money.." he said, sniveling in fear. Nico sweatdropped and didn't bother writting that down.
"Sure sir. Alright. I'll go get the paper now," Nico said, getting up and leaving.
By the time Nico arrived back at the casino, Crocodile had moved down to the Baroque Works meeting room, and sat there on a chair, petting one of his Banana Crocodile's snout with care and alarm. "Who's a good Pickles? Yeah, you're a good Pickles!!" Crocodile said, kissing the crocodile on the snout. The crocodile waggled it's tail a little as Crocodile gave the creature's massive snout a hug of love and happiness.
"Erm...Sir?" Nico asked, timidly. Crocodile jumped and looked at her, wide-eyed,
"HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?!" he demanded, quickly getting up and ushering the crocodile back into the tank.
"I just got here! JUST! I saw nothing!" Nico said quickly. She always knew Crocodile had a unhealthy relationship with those animals. "Erm..Look!" she said, breaking the monentaral awkward silence. "I got the paper!"
"Ah! Excellent! Sit, read me the "Men Seeking Men" column." Crocodile said, crossing his legs and lighting up a new cigar. Nico sat down in one of the chairs at the meeting table and spread the paper out, then flipping to the personal section of the Alabasta Sun. Usually, the personal ads in this paper were stolen from other papers, but hey, it gave one a variety. Nico scanned through the articles, reading out the headings for one to spark Crocodile's interest.
"I Want a Man", "Me Hot You Now", "I'm a Pirate" --
"Ooh! Read that one! I love pirates! Hey! I'm a pirate too! Me and this guy already have so much in common!!" Crocodile said with a grin.
"Alright.." Nico said, clearing her throat to read the ad. "I don't like being touched, but I will wait on you hand and foot, however, I do have...anger management issues...and I have a tendancy to be pissy about everything...I'll kill you in your sleep after making you sign your will, granting everything to me..Rich people only please. No marines. No Jango. I'm pissed off at you still."
"..Too crazy." Crocodile said, sweatdropping. Nico read the headings again, until she reached one pretty far down on the scale,
"I'm Lonely and Have a Knife"
"Read that one!! Read it!!!!" Crocodile demanded, excited by the word 'knife'.
"I am tall, have dark hair, tanned skin, and carry around a bigass sword and a knife. I'm a master swordsman, and have the personality of a rock. If that doesn't make you fall instantly in love with me, I like to walk around shirtless -- mind you, I'm built like a tank and have abs you could grate cheese on. I also enjoy AHHH AHHH OH MY GOD!! MIHAWK WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! OH GOD I'M CAUGHT!!! BEN!! BEN!!! HE'S GOT A KNIFE!! HELP!!!!!! Argh! Mihawk!! Look what you made me write! Now I have to do your personal ALL over again!" said Nico, sweatdropping. Whoever wrote this, was an idiot.
"Ooooo...CHEESE LIKE A GRILT BAITER?!" Crocodile cried. "I WANT THIS MAN!! Miss All Sunday! Write him a letter! Tell him what I want! Ask him if he'll protect me from nazis!! GO! DO IT NOW!! SEND IT OUT BEFORE THE MAILMAN OFF LEAVES!!!" Crocodile was too excited to make sense. Nico sweatdropped for the god only knows how many-ith time for that day, but got up with the paper, and left to write Crocodile's letter.
Nico sat in Crocodile's study to write out the letter. "Alright, I need to make this man repulsed by Sir Crocodile, so my precious Mr.0 will want me! BWHAHAHAH...Oh I'm so evil it's grand!" she said, writting out a letter to Mihawk.
Dear "Mihawk" aka p-ad #9075325188807911b
My name is Crocodile. SIR Crocodile. I don't molest children or the elderly, but I have an unhealthy relationship with my pet banana crocodiles. I own a Casino. I'm a pirate. Sorta. I live in Alabasta, and I can turn to sand. I'm attracted to men with hot bods. It makes me hot. Will you hold me and tell me I'm pretty and love me, even though I'm attracted to my pretty, young, secretary? Do you like children? I do. I want to adopt 30 of them with you. Will you marry me already? I'm a sea knight. Wanna go shave a dog? I know one. I don't like him. He has a big nose and once tried to bite me. I'm a sea knight. I'm annoying as hell sometimes and I'll nag you to death. I like booze, do you? Some people tell me I eat like a robot. I spread false news too. Let's meet. Send me a picture of yourself. I'm ugly. Tell me I'm pretty. I have a hook for a hand. I like pimps. Are you a pimp? I'm a sea knight. I don't like nazis -- they want my money. Will you protect me from them?
Blissfully Ignorant,
~Sir Crocodile
Nico smiled to herself and tossed the letter into an envelope, tossing on plenty of stamps, and putting the proper addresses on. She sealed it and then frowned. "Maybe this is TOO mean..." Nico said, thinking for a moment. "Naw!"
She then quickly went out, and beat the postman to the mailbox. Of course, she had to hit him in the face with as 2x4 and knock him out for a few minutes in the process, but still. Crocodile's letter to Mihawk was soon to be delivered. Crocodile had no clue what Nico had written, but he giddily awaited Mihawk's response..whenever it would come.
~End of Chapter One~
A Note From Baka Kitsune:
HIO WORLD!!! ^__^ Mah-ha. All love the Mihawk/Crocodile pairing. Aherm, chapter 2 will be on it's way eventually, I just wanted to write this up quick and get it out my system. I LIKE BUTTERED TOAST! *hugs Chopper*
Erm..anyways, yeeeah...I really don't like Nico, that's why I suck at writting as her (shuddap. I like Vivi and I'm LEARNING TO TOLERATE TASHIGI IN SOME SITUATIONS. u__u Lay off). Crocodile is fun to do heavily OOC, because he entertains me. I love Sir Crocodile. Anyways, yeah. I hope you all enjoyed this. If you're offended, well, too bad. If you're intriged, MARVELOUS! Wait for chapter 2. It contains Shanks and Ben and Mihawk. Oh yeah baby. Love 'em all. *noddum*
Please send all praise, gifts, money and brownies to
Jesus
C/O The Pentagon
Wyomning, Michigan
Margaritaville