Evangelion Dark Fanfiction
By Otaku D-Man
Standard Disclaimer.
Not Mine
Author's Pre-Rant –
A short Darkfic oneshot that came to me as I sat at work at 4 in the morning. If misery loves company, why am I so alone?
No One To Say Goodbye To
Katsuragi / Ikari / Sohryu Residence
Shinji gargled the water, ignoring the sharp pain that was now almost a constant reminder of what his life had become. Leaning forward he spat the viscous liquid into the bathroom sink, wincing at the sensation. His eyes glazed over at the sight of the dark blood mixed with saliva as it spiralled around the porcelain bowl and ultimately down the drain.
He considered the image before him and the parallels with his own life and found the contrast disturbing.
After repeating the process once more he stared blankly into the vanity mirror contemplating his weary reflection. The haggard expression that returned his gaze bore all the signs of a youth fast disappearing. At fourteen, he was already developing small stress lines around eyes that spoke of a life filled with little to no joy and nothing but constant agony.
Tenderly, he lifted his hand and slowly brushed his fingertips across his bruised cheek. The burning sensation yet another memento from his volatile roommate. He wondered how Asuka would react if she knew her latest love-tap had cut the inside of his cheek on his teeth. The irony of the situation almost had him laughing but he had forgotten how to.
Of course, the answer was obvious. It would be the same as it was every other time he had complained about her aggressive actions and none too gentle attentions. He didn't particularly want a companion to mar the other side of his face.
Sighing in defeat, he wandered out to get some ice and hopefully minimise the swelling and reduce the pain. At least until next time.
And there was always a next time.
***
Central Dogma
Standing in the corridor, he watched her walk by without even acknowledging his words. As he did most days, he had called his soft, hesitant greeting to the mysterious Rei Ayanami and as she often did, Rei had simply ignored him moving past him like he wasn't even there, like he didn't even matter. This latest rejection of his existence only served to reinforce his low self-opinion of how truly pitiful he was. In the back of his mind he could hear Asuka's mocking laughter at another failed attempt to catch the eye of the azure haired beauty.
With hollow eyes he watched the young girl stop to talk with the Commander of the installation, his own father, Gendou Ikari. There was a sharp pain crushing his lungs, making it difficult to breathe. His father was smiling affectionately at the girl as they spoke and Rei returned the smile, nodding her head at something the man said before she continued on her way.
Here was a world he could scarcely contemplate. His father treated him like a stranger at best and that was when he even bothered to acknowledge him at all and yet this same individual could find kind words, words of encouragement for another.
Shinji was still standing there as the man known as Commander Ikari walked past him without even glancing in his direction. He turned to watch him leave, this man that had cast him aside over a decade ago and not for the first time he realised that he was alone in a cold and brutal world.
His hand pumped furiously, forming a fist and then releasing in rapid succession as his father disappeared from sight.
***
Tokyo-3 Municipal High School
With a reluctant voice, Shinji answered the elderly teacher's role call. It was almost ludicrous. The number of students still in the city had dropped dramatically recently. With a glance around the classroom he counted eight students, including himself and the two other Evangelion Pilots. His eyes fell on one particular vacant desk.
Normally it would host the energetic body of his most boisterous friend. Now it was simply an unwelcome reminder of what he had done. His own father had used him to defeat the Angel that had possessed Unit 03 and in doing so had rendered the once hale and hearty Touji Suzuhara to nothing more than a crippled invalid.
A slight movement caught his eye and he found himself staring into the furious gaze of the Class Representative. He couldn't really blame Hikari for despising him. His cowardly actions had hurt someone she cared about.
Apologies were worthless at this point, even though he still spewed them on reflex.
***
Central Dogma
Sitting alone in the male locker room, Shinji stared at his hand. The fist it had formed had yet to release, the muscles and tendons straining at the pressure he was forcing onto the slender limb.
Misato had castigated him yet again for not trying hard enough. Accusing him of not caring about the job he was here to do, telling him in front of the entire bridge crew that his pathetic attitude wouldn't be tolerated much longer. He hadn't bothered to defend himself from her accusations. After all, she was right, he didn't really care. Not anymore.
Now that her relationship with Ryouji had progressed to the point where they openly flaunted it like giddy school children, she was spending less and less time at home. He wondered if he should bother going back to the apartment tonight. He had purposely been avoiding returning there of late, part of the reason being that Asuka was there and the fiery German girl felt the need to physically express her opinion about Misato and Ryouji's renewed tryst, the target for those expressions being Shinji Ikari. But the problem lay deeper than returning to an apartment to face an abusive colleague. He didn't want to return there because he no longer thought of it as home. He had no home.
The light switched off, leaving him in the darkness, alone with his thoughts.
***
Katsuragi / Ikari / Sohryu Residence
Asuka's screams continued to fill mind. Leaning back against the wall he could still hear her wracking sobs emanating from her room. He had thought of going to see if she was alright but reconsidered almost immediately.
Asuka hated him. Nothing new about that. Asuka hated everyone and everything now and it was entirely his fault. He had sat in his entry plug while the Angel had broken through her mental barriers, exposing her conscious mind to everything her subconscious held locked away. He had done nothing and in doing so had allowed it to happen. His weakness had endorsed her suffering.
At some point he realised that he should be crying too but there were no tears, only an empty, aching void that was making him numb.
***
Streets of Tokyo-3
Staring out at the devastation caused by the detonation of Unit 00, Shinji likened the destruction of the city to his own mental landscape. Nothing but rubble and debris remained, a bitter memory of what had once been.
The girl that he had thought had miraculously survived had in fact died and been replaced by another puppet. A puppet whose strings were controlled by his father. A doll that could no longer be replaced.
Not that it mattered. Rei could barely even remember him anymore.
Once again he was nothing more than the Third Children, Pilot of Unit 01. Just another tool for his father to use in his crusade against the Almighty.
Another piece of his heart died as he concluded that once again he had failed to save someone dear to him.
***
EVA Cages
Shinji watched the maintenance crews clean the blood from Unit 01's hand. If only it was that simple, he would ask them to clean his own hand. Even now he could feel the sickening sensation of Kaworu's body crushing almost like an eggshell as he had tightened his grip on the control stick.
A boy, much like himself, had offered unconditional love and friendship and he had ended it simply because that was what he was told to do.
If it was so just and righteous to kill the enemy, why did he feel so dead inside?
Walking away, Shinji listened to the jubilant laughter of the various technicians as the celebrated the death of the Seventeenth and supposedly final Angel.
With the greatest of self-control, he managed to make it back to the Pilot change rooms before he began vomiting until only dry heaves wracked his small body.
***
Tokyo-3
With a final look at the ruined city, Shinji Ikari walked out into the water to take his first and last swimming lesson. As his head passed beneath the surface he could only imagine how much better off everyone would have been had he died all those months ago.
His final thought as his lungs filled with water was of a young woman holding her child. The young boy looked happy and content as the woman smiled and cooed to the infant.
For the first time in over ten years, Shinji Ikari remembered the face of his mother.
***
End
Authors Post-Rant –
Loneliness can become a disease that tears at the soul leaving only a shattered husk behind. What would you do if no one was there to put the pieces back together again?
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