AN: Sorry for the delay. Hope you like it. Thanks so much for everyone who has taken the time to review. It means a lot. If you haven't reviewed, drop me a line. Let me know you're reading. It helps more then you can know.
Chapter 6 is gonna be a while. I'm sorry about that, but technical problems have hindered the process. It'll be up as soon as it can be. That I promise.
At the end of the chapter are the lyrics to the song I use at the end. I've always like it, and felt it was very fitting for what we're trying to do here.
Enjoy the chapter, and don't forget to press that little button when you're done, so I know that someone is reading, and that our writing isn't getting tossed into the void.Thanks.
Chapter 5: Chloroform Days"Its like East and West Berlin without the laughs"
INT. HARTFORD RESIDENCE
Lorelai, Rory, Emily, and Richard are having dinner.
EMILY: Lorelai, you'll never guess who I saw the other day.
LORELAI: Never is a strong assumption.
EMILY: Christopher's mother.
LORELAI: But in this case, pretty accurate.
EMILY: You know, she never mentioned the wedding.
LORELAI: Maybe she doesn't know about it.
EMILY: She knows. She just had enough courtesy not to mention it to compensate for her lack of courtesy in not inviting us.
LORELAI: You wanted to go to Christopher's wedding?
EMILY: Of course not. But we should have been invited.
LORELAI: I thought you said it was rude not to attend a wedding when you're able to attend.
EMILY: Of course it is. But we were entitled to be rude.
LORELAI: Because you're French?
EMILY: Christopher's parents are as aware as we are that what he is doing is wrong. As our close friends and the parents of the man who stiffed our daughter, they were supposed to extend to us the invitation so that we could turn it down.
RICHARD: Your mother is correct. It is the right of the injured party to retaliate with polite rudeness, so to speak.
EMILY: As far as I'm concerned, their not inviting us is just adding insult to injury.
LORELAI: Maybe they did send you an invitation and the postman confused Emily Gilmore with Emily Post. I'll bet it happens a lot.
EMILY: I know that in Stars Hollow where they have spitting matches on street corners, you don't have to follow rules of social conduct and etiquette but the rest of the world believes in something called common courtesy.
LORELAI: (to Rory) It's been a while since we've tried one of those spitting matches. How's your saliva been lately?
RICHARD: Please, Lorelai. I'm eating.
EMILY: Joke all you want but Richard and I have a right to be insulted.
LORELAI: Because you didn't have a chance to exercise your right to insult them.
EMILY: Well I wouldn't put it quite like that...
RICHARD: But in layman's terms that sounds about right.
LORELAI: If it'll make you feel any better, Rory and I will have a spitting match by the cake.
EMILY: You mean you were invited?
LORELAI: (under her breath to Rory) I have a big mouth.
RORY: Yep. But that'll be good for the spitting match.
EMILY: You were invited and you're actually going?
LORELAI: Um, well, I was invited, and I wasn't going to go, but then...I changed my mind. Rory is going and she's not going to know anyone besides the groom so...
EMILY: Of all the insolence!
LORELAI: Rory's going too. You didn't say anything to her.
RORY: Hey!
EMILY: Rory is his daughter. She has to attend. But you. I can't understand why he would even want you there. It's so tactless and indecent.
LORELAI: Uh, thanks, mom.
EMILY: This wedding is a fiasco. I doubt Christopher's mother could be the one behind it. It must be the girl's parents running things. A couple of country bumpkins. No wonder we weren't invited.
RICHARD: It's just as well, then.
The maid comes in
MAID: Is everyone finished?
EMILY: Yes, Georgia.
The maid begins to take the plates
GEORGIA: (to Lorelai and Rory) Would you care for an apple liqueur?
LORELAI: Hmm. I don't know. Apple liqueur after orange soda. What would Emily Post say? (looking at Emily) Mom?
::Opening Credits::
EXT. HARTFORD RESIDENCE
After dinner Rory and Lorelai are walking to their cars.
LORELAI: I don't know why I've been so worried about this wedding. If I can survive dinner here every Friday, I can survive one wedding.
RORY: That's the spirit.
LORELAI: So how have things been with you?
RORY: Um, okay.
LORELAI: Do you get the feeling that we haven't had a real substantive conversation in a while.
RORY: It's been a weird couple of weeks.
LORELAI: Tell me about it. But we should do something about this. How about you stay over here this weekend?
RORY: Sorry. I'm already spoken for. The library beat you to it.
LORELAI: All right. Then I can stay by you. I'll go with you to the library, help you study. Alright, well, not help. More like watch, but I won't be creepy about it.
RORY: Um, that's not a good idea because...um, yeah, my roommate is gonna be there. Full house.
LORELAI: Huh. Well, at least you'll have some company. That should be good, right?
RORY: Um, yeah. But like I said, I have a lot of work to do, so I probably won't be around much.
LORELAI: Are you sure you're okay?
RORY: Yeah. I'm just tired. (gestures to the house) Rough house tonight.
LORELAI: Just tonight?
RORY: Well, you know what I mean.
LORELAI: Yeah. Go get some sleep.
RORY: Yeah, thanks. Good night mom.
LORELAI: Good night, kiddo.
Lorelai kisses Rory's forehead. They get into their cars and go their separate ways
INT. INNLorelai and Sookie are walking around with the CONTRACTOR.
CONTRACTOR: So this whole wall is going to have to come down but we won't get to that right now.
LORELAI: Okay, but just tell me when so I can bring in my Pink Floyd.
CONTRACTOR: Yeah, we get that a lot.
Kirk comes in
KIRK: Sookie, may I have a word with you.
CONTRACTOR: All right, so I'll let you ladies do what you have to do. Gotta check up on the guys.
LORELAI: Thanks, Tom.
SOOKIE: (goes over to Kirk) What's wrong, Kirk?
KIRK: Could you please tell Lorelai that her hair stylist called and has to cancel her appointment? My guess is she needed the rake for the backyard this time.
SOOKIE: Uh, okay. You know Lorelai is right here.
KIRK: Yes, but I'm not speaking to her.
LORELAI: (to Sookie) Tell Kirk that that's the best news I've heard all day.
KIRK: (to Sookie) Tell Lorelai that she might want to make a new appointment very soon because her grays are starting to show.
LORELAI: (to Sookie) Tell Kirk I only wish there was someone his mother could have made an appointment with when his face started to show.
KIRK: (to Sookie) Tell Lorelai that I've been mistaken for a younger Tom Cruise.
LORELAI: Tell Kirk it must have been the nose.
KIRK: Tell Lorelai...
SOOKIE: Tell her yourself. I'm getting out of here!
Sookie walks from out of the middle. Kirk looks maliciously at Lorelai who returns the malice, and leaves. Sookie returns to Lorelai's side.
SOOKIE: What was that all about?
LORELAI: I don't want to talk about it.
Lorelai walks away
INT. NEW HAVENRory is walking to her room with a ton of books. She's trying to get her door. A guy comes from down the hall.
GUY: Hey, Rory.
RORY: Hey, Sid.
SID: What's with all these books? I thought you were finally stepping over to the dark side.
RORY: Huh?
SID: I heard you playing music in your room all day—might I say, Metallica, very impressed. I figured you cut class for the day.
RORY: Oh, um, yeah, you know. I just needed a break to, you know, veg, relax. But now, back to work.
SID: Hey, what was that you were playing after the Clash? I never heard it before but I really liked it.
RORY: Um...refresh my memory?
SID: One of the songs kept saying "If you think the world is..." something.
RORY: Oh, that's Young Marble Giants.
SID: I'll have to download their stuff.
RORY: They're very good. Well, I'll see you, Sid.
SID: Yeah. And listen, next time you decide to take a break and cut class, come over to Crissy's end of the floor. We've got pot.
RORY: Uh, thanks.
Rory enters her room and looks around, angrily. CDs are scattered on the bed, but no one is there. Rory shrugs and hits the books on her desk. She tries to take notes but her mind wanders, and her head turns toward the door. She stays, chin in hand, looking at the door pensively. It startles her when she hears a knock. She gets up to open. Jess is at the door, pizza in hand.
JESS: You order a pizza?
He pushes past Rory and steps inside. He nestles himself on the bed with the pie and starts attacking a slice. He feels Rory's critical eyes on him.
JESS: Oh, you want some?
RORY: So I guess you had a productive day today.
JESS: I admit finding half-way decent pizza around here was quite a challenge.
Rory is still looking at him
JESS: I take it that's not what you're talking about. So what is it? The coffee machine?
RORY: What did you do to the coffee maker?
JESS: Nothing really. The tube was just clogged. That's why the drip was taking so long. How did you get that clogged anyway?
RORY: You fixed the coffee maker?
JESS: So that's not what you're talking about either. If you have something to say then just say it.
RORY: (mumbling) Um, thanks.
She sits back at her desk and returns to her books. Jess shakes his head in perplexity and turns on the tv, eating his pizza. From somewhere on the floor, the song 'Take another piece of my heart' by Janis Joplin come in through the walls.
EXT. STARS HOLLOWLorelai and Sookie are walking around town.
SOOKIE: So I know you don't want to talk about it, but how long have the two of you been fighting?
LORELAI: Oh, I don't know. About 18 hours now.
SOOKIE: I bet you two just need some space. You're living together, always in each other's hair. Why don't you come over to my place today? We can have a girl's night in.
LORELAI: What about Jackson?
SOOKIE: We can give him a manicure.
LORELAI: Ooh, sounds like fun.
SOOKIE: (happy) This is going to be great! Oh, let's see. I need to make a new menu for dinner.
LORELAI: Oh you don't have to do that. You know I eat anything.
SOOKIE: But Jackson's on this new experiment. He's determined to come up with a diet regime so he can write a book about it and be the next Atkins or Agatson. I told him he would have to change his last name so that it stars with an A. Ajax-son. Hehe.
LORELAI: I never thought of Jackson as that kind of entrepreneur. So has he come up with anything?
SOOKIE: Yeah. His latest is the Horse Beach Diet. He only eats radishes, seaweed, and raw fish.
LORELAI: You know, I think Jackson might be on to something. I mean, have you ever seen a fat Jesus?
SOOKIE: You oughtta try his ruby red seaweed smoothie. It's not that bad. Not very smooth, though.
LORELAI: So you've actually been eating this stuff?
SOOKIE: Well, I'm trying to be supportive.
LORELAI: He doesn't need your support. He'll have the endorsement of the Christian right. And hey, that's really all you need.
SOOKIE: To be honest, I've been cheating. I sneak in a midnight snack on the sly. Cheese soufflé, diced steak in Szechwan sauce, jello salad.
LORELAI: So I'll come over around midnight.
SOOKIE: No, no, I'll make you a regular dinner.
LORELAI: But I don't want a regular dinner, I want a midnight snack.
SOOKIE: How does this sound? Lasagna with broccoli in butter sauce and peach cobbler.
LORELAI: Sounds like a midnight snack.
SOOKIE: Good. I think I might need eggs. Jackson was making a fish protein drink this morning.
LORELAI: Sookie, you know I love Jackson, but keep him away from me.
SOOKIE: So would you mind picking up the eggs while I pick up Jackson's dry cleaning?
LORELAI: No problem.
SOOKIE: Oh, and I need some nutmeg.
LORELAI: Sure thing.
SOOKIE: And butter.
LORELAI: Gotcha.
SOOKIE: I'll meet you in front of Luke's.
LORELAI: Okay. (the two split ways)
INT. DOOSE'S MARKETLorelai enters and picks up the items. She goes to the checkout counter. Kirk is at the register. She rolls her eyes and puts the items on the counter. Kirk picks up the eggs and swings the carton over his shoulder
LORELAI: Hey!
KIRK: (on a megaphone) I need a price check at register one. Price check at register one.
LORELAI: They're the same price as always, Kirk.
KIRK: I'm sorry, ma'am. Did you say something?
Lorelai sucks her teeth. A young man comes over.
KIRK: Steve, I need a price check on these eggs.
STEVE: Uh, let me see them.
Kirk tosses the carton to Steve.
LORELAI: Hey! You're going to break my eggs.
STEVE: No worries, lady. My hands are soft. I lubricate.
LORELAI: Please leave my eggs alone. Wait, that didn't sound right now.
STEVE: (to Kirk) There's no price on them.
KIRK: I know. You're going to have to check the sign by the eggs.
STEVE: Okay. (leaves with the eggs)
LORELAI: This is ridiculous.
KIRK: I'm sorry for the inconvenience, ma'am. I'm sure you want to get home so you can cook something nice for a friend you've wronged.
LORELAI: Actually, I'm in no rush to go home because I have an obnoxious, immature roommate.
KIRK: I'll bet my roommate is worse than yours.
LORELAI: If your roommate is that bad, why don't you move out?
Steve returns with the eggs.
STEVE: They're a dollar.
KIRK: No! Can't you read? That's only with a coupon. (to Lorelai) You don't have a coupon, do you, ma'am?
LORELAI: (curtly) No.
KIRK: Didn't think so. Your total is 5.17.
Lorelai digs in her purse as Kirk throws the eggs in the bag and the nutmeg and butter on top of them.
LORELAI: No, see, I know you broke those eggs.
KIRK: I did not.
LORELAI: Yes you did.
KIRK: No I didn't.
LORELAI: Yes you did. Let me see!
KIRK: I can't give you your groceries, ma'am, until you've paid for them.
LORELAI: I'm not paying for broken eggs.
KIRK: They're not broken.
Lorelai snatches the bag. Kirk holds onto it and they tug-of-war with it. Finally, Kirk lets go and Lorelai drops the bag. The egg yolk spills on the floor.
KIRK: You break it, you pay for it.
INT. NEW HAVENRory enters her room. She hears scrambling noises in the bathroom.
RORY: (she knocks) Jess? (noises continue) Jess, are you in there?
The door suddenly opens. A girl comes out.
GIRL: He's not here.
RORY: Marissa, what are you doing here?
MARISSA: I needed to pick up some stuff.
RORY: But you just have decoy stuff here.
MARISSA: I know. But I need it. I'm going to have to bring over new decoys.
RORY: Okay.
MARISSA: So who's your friend?
RORY: Who?
MARISSA: Jess?
RORY: How do you know Jess?
MARISSA: I don't. But you thought I was Jess and so I'm asking.
RORY: Oh, well, Jess isn't a friend. Jess is...my hamster. For a lab experiment. Oh, that's right. Where is he? (whistling) Where are you, Jess? Come out, come out, wherever you are.
MARISSA: Don't you usually keep hamsters in cages?
RORY: Yeah. Jess has a cage. Oh that's right. I turned Jess back in last week when we turned in the lab reports. I guess I must miss the little critter.
MARISSA: Okay. So who's the guy?
RORY: What guy?
MARISSA: The guy you're keeping here. I should give you some tips about that.
RORY: I'm not keeping a guy here.
MARISSA: There's a pair of boxers under my bed.
RORY: They're mine. I wear them to sleep. They're very comfortable, boxers.
MARISSA: There's a Mach 3 in the bathroom.
RORY: You'd be surprised to know I'm very hairy.
MARISSA: Look, do you want my advice or not?
RORY: Yeah, I guess so.
MARISSA: Well, you already know it's not allowed, so you have to be really careful. So first thing, keep the closet clean, but remember, it's always messy. That way, if someone shows up unexpectedly, you can always shove him in the closet, and if it's a friend who wants to go in your closet and borrow a sweater, the closet is insanely messy. You'll drop off the sweater in three minutes.
RORY: Ah.
MARISSA: (gets a page) I have to go. Another thing. Keep extra laundry bags. I'll explain later. Good luck.
RORY: Wait. How did you know I was keeping someone here? I mean, illegally, and not that it was just a friend visiting or a boyfri...well, you know.
MARISSA: I found his stuff in the closet when I was looking for my stuff. It looked like he was staying for more than a weekend, and he's definitely not a Yalie.
RORY: Good deductive skills. I guess I should have asked you before I kept someone over here.
MARISSA: It's okay. We're even now. You keep my secrets, I keep yours. I'm actually relieved you don't have one over on me anymore.
She winks and opens the door to leave. Jess is there, about to come in.
MARISSA: Hey, Jess.
JESS: Hey.
Marissa leaves.
JESS: (to Rory) Do I know her?
EXT. LUKE'S DINERLorelai walks in and stops short. There is a new addition to the orchestra of the general diner hum. Music.
(music): Don't know much about history. Don't much biology...
Lorelai bobs her head to the music. Luke comes out with trays, also bobbing his head to the music. Lorelai takes a seat at the counter and waits for Luke to arrive.
LUKE: Hey. Coffee?
Luke pours
LORELAI: What's this?
LUKE: I think you two have met before. It's coffee.
LORELAI: I know. And I didn't have to ask for it, let alone plead. And what's with the music?
LUKE: You don't like music?
LORELAI: I love music. I just thought the salt and pepper shakers didn't like music because you never play it here.
LUKE: Yeah, I'm getting new salt and pepper shakers. I'm trying to decide between Sid and Nancy or Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
LORELAI: How about the Everly Brothers?
LUKE: They haven't memorialized them into condiment decanters yet.
LORELAI: Ah. So really, what's with the music?
LUKE: This must be a really small town when playing some background music for the customers is such a big deal.
LORELAI: This must be a really big town if news that it's a small town just got to you.
LUKE: What?
LORELAI: It made sense in my head. Hey, the music is nice. I'm just not used to change at Luke's.
Lane enters the diner.
LANE: So they weren't kidding!
LORELAI: Hey, Lane.
LANE: Lorelai, music! At Luke's!
LORELAI: I know.
LANE: (to Luke) Are you searching for DJs?
LUKE: No.
LANE: So you're just going to do radio? That's so prosaic.
LORELAI: That's Luke for you. Prosaic Luke.
LUKE: Any longer in this town and I'll be Prozac Luke. Anyway, it's not radio. It's just a tape but if I knew it were going to be such a big production I never would have tried it in the first place.
LORELAI: No. It's a good idea. It gives this place a homey feeling.
LUKE: The last thing this place needs is a homey feeling. I've got enough people who think this is their home away from home.
LORELAI: You're not, by any chance, referring to me, are you?
LUKE: I'm mostly referring to you.
LANE: The stool practically has your permanent butt imprint.
LORELAI: Thanks, Lane.
LANE: Well, I'm very happy about the music, Luke. And if you need any recommendations, mix tapes, professional opinion, just holler.
LUKE: Yeah, sure, Lane.
LANE: I'll be seeing you guys.
Lane leaves as Nicole enters.
NICOLE: Hey, sweetheart. (kisses Luke from across the counter) Oh, hi Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Nicole.
NICOLE: (to Luke) You're playing the tape! You like it?
LUKE: Yeah. I thought I'd play it down here, give the place some...well, you know.
NICOLE: Ambiance.
LUKE: Yeah, I guess.
LORELAI: Well, I better go before my butt fossilizes on this stool.
NICOLE: Nice to see you again, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Yeah, same here. Bye, you two.
(background music): My shaving razor's cold and it stings...
INT. NEW HAVEN: RORY'S DORM ROOMRory is jumping and pacing outside of the bathroom. She finally knocks on the door.
RORY: That's it! Get out of there this minute.
JESS: (from inside) Just give me a second.
RORY: No! Right now.
The door opens. Jess exits with shaving cream on his face holding his razor blade.
JESS: Is there another mirror anywhere else?
Rory goes in the bathroom and hands him a compact mirror. Jess stares at it as Rory closes the door. He shrugs and begins trying to shave himself in front of the compact mirror.
RORY: (from inside) Aahh!
JESS: (cutting himself) Ow!
Rory exits the bathroom. Jess goes in.
RORY: No. Get out. We need to talk.
JESS: I'm bleeding here.
RORY: It's a scratch.
JESS: A bleeding scratch.
RORY: Get out here now.
JESS: It could get infected.
RORY: When did you become such a girl?
JESS: Since I started shaving with a compact.
RORY: If you're not out of that bathroom in three seconds...
JESS: (stepping outside the bathroom) I'm here. What is it?
RORY: Well. (assuming a look of authority) We need to set some rules here.
JESS: (voice deflated) Great.
RORY: That's right. See, because this is my place. My place, my rules.
JESS: Fine.
RORY: Okay. So rule # 1. Don't leave the toilet seat up.
JESS: What?
RORY: That's right. I was going to use the toilet just now and there's no seat. That's porcelain. Porcelain is cold. It's notoriously cold. Poets have used porcelain in their imagery for its coldness.
JESS: So put the seat down.
RORY: Did I put it up?
JESS: No.
RORY: Exactly.
JESS: Yeah, exactly.
RORY: What?
JESS: I don't need you to put the toilet seat up for me. Why should I put the toilet seat down for you?
RORY: My place, my rules, my toilet.
JESS: Fine. I'll put the toilet seat down.
RORY: Okay. So rule # 2. You are staying here, but you are not here. Understand that? You are not here. That's the motto you should operate under. If you're wondering whether or not you can do something, just think, would I be able to do this if I weren't here. Could I answer the phone if I weren't here? No. So don't answer the phone. Could I take out Rory's car if I weren't here? No. So no taking the car. Could I play Rory's radio if I weren't here? No. So no playing the radio. Could I answer the door if I weren't here? No. So don't answer the door.
JESS: Could I put down the toilet seat if I were not here? No.
RORY: Would the toilet seat be up if you were not here? No.
JESS: That says a lot about your social life.
RORY: My social life is none of your business.
JESS: I don't care about your social life.
RORY: You're the one speculating about it.
JESS: You're the one giving information about it.
RORY: Stop it! You see, you're doing it again.
JESS: Doing what?
RORY: Upsetting me. It all goes back to rule # 2. Could you upset me if you weren't here?
JESS: I don't know. Can I?
RORY: No! You can't. So you can't upset me while you're here because you're not here.
JESS: That's right. I'm not here. I'm leaving.
Jess grabs a shirt, wipes the remaining shaving cream off his face with it, and puts it on.
RORY: What do you think you're doing?
JESS: I'm going out.
RORY: You can't go out. That's rule # 3. No going out during peak traffic hours.
JESS: You've got to be kidding me.
RORY: I'm serious. I'm putting my neck on the line keeping you here. If someone found out...I don't even want to finish that sentence.
JESS: (sighs in frustration and exasperation) No one is going to find out.
RORY: Good.
JESS: So what am I supposed to do when I'm here?
RORY: I don't know. But whatever you do, just remember, you're not here.
Rory goes back into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Jess gestures threateningly at the bathroom door with the razor.
INT. DINERParis meets a guy at the door.
PARIS: table for one?
The guy (SAM) ignores her and walks right past her. Paris about to yell something but catches a look from the manager and shuts up.
SAM: Hey man
GUY 2 (GUS) looks up
GUS: Sam. Hey, thank god you're here. I have a date with Sarah tonight and I have no idea where to..
Sam slides into a booth and takes off his jacket. Showing a white tee shirt with the words "for sale or for rent. best offer."
GUS: ....Why are you wearing that?
SAM: Well, a few factors really. The main one is that I didn't have clean clothes.
GUS: You know, you're not ever going to ever have any clean clothes if you don't...well, clean them.
SAM: Laundry is one of the battle grounds between good and evil and I refuse to participate.
GUS: And I'm asking you for dating advice?
Sam shrugs.
SAM: (enthusiastic and supportive) So a date with Sarah, huh? Good for you!
::beat::
SAM: (with the same enthusiasm) Who's Sarah?
GUS: The blond in our civic's class.
Sam gives a blank stare.
GUS: She gave this awesome presentation the other day.
Still nothing from Sam.
GUS: (relenting) You throw paper at her when you're board.
SAM: Oh! Grumpy!
GUS: I can't believe you named my date after a dwarf.
SAM: Well she's always grumpy!
GUS: Cause you throw paper at her!
SAM: I'm just trying to cheer her up, 'cause...
SAM and GUS: (together) She's so grumpy.
GUS: I got it.
SAM: Well, good for you, getting a date with Grumpy!
GUS: Thank you. Oh, by the way, I told her that I don't know you.
SAM: Hey! How could you....no wait, thats fair.
Paris comes up with a pad, not looking at the guys
PARIS: So what can I get you?
SAM: (peppy and grinning) Name and phone number please.
PARIS: (looking up sharply) Ok, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you simply don't know how this works. I'm here to take your order, your food order. Then I bring said food to you, take your money, you leave big tip, then just leave. I am not here for you to stare at, drool over, or make passes at. This is a means to an end, and you are nothing but a tiny, annoying obstacle in the way of my achieving the greater good. Now... if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go over here and proceed to ignore you for the next 10 to 15 minutes. Now you could complain to the manager about me, but do you really want to spend the rest of your visit here pondering over just what it is in that secret sauce and what I had to do with it?
Sam and Gus stare, jaws dropped.
PARIS: That's what I thought. I'll take your order when I'm ready. Maybe you should use this time to think about your behavior. (Stalks off.)
GUS: I like her!
SAM: (sulking) Mean lady.
Sam looks over at Paris who is telling off another customer, leaning over the table as she points exaggeratedly at the menu.
SAM: Mean lady with a nice tush.
INT. NEW HAVENRory is sleeping at her desk. Jess is reading. He keeps looking up from his book at the clock and at Rory. He gives a slight shrug and returns to his book. Sleeping Rory moves her arm and knocks down some books with her elbow. The sound of falling books wakes her. She looks at the time.
RORY: Oh my God! My class started fifteen minutes ago. Why didn't you wake me up?
JESS: I thought about it but then I remember rule # 2 and I thought to myself, could I wake Rory up if I weren't here? Nope. So...
RORY: Oh just shut up! I have to go.
Rory picks up her books quickly and stuff them in her bag and leaves. Rory tries to sneak quietly into the class, but as soon as she opens the door, it makes a loud creak. All eyes are on her face, with a paper clip still stuck to her head from sleeping on the desk.
INT:CLASSROOM
RORY: (to the professor) I'm sorry.
Professor: Just have a seat.
She begins to climb the steps of the lecture hall to a seat when the books stuffed haphazardly into her unzippered bag begin to topple out. Again all eyes are on her.
RORY: I'm so sorry.
She begins to pick up her books when she notices an extra pair of hands helping her. She looks up
OLIVER: (whispering) I do this far too often with you.
He smiles and she smiles in return, mouthing "thank you." Oliver stretches his hand to her forehead and removes the paper clip. Rory blushes as he sticks the paper clip on the page of one of the books and puts it in her bag.
Later.
Class is over. The students are packing up and leaving. Rory exits the class with Oliver.
RORY: Thanks again and I'm really sorry.
OLIVER: I have to say, I'm really impressed. You managed to make it to class later than the professor.
RORY: Yeah, I kind of dozed off studying before class and overslept.
OLIVER: I gathered that from the paper clip.
RORY: Yes, let's be sure to stamp that embarrassing moment securely in my memory.
OLIVER: Hey, I like a girl who can make an entrance. You had the whole room. I would have nixed the apology and done a "devil may care" toss of my hair as I walked boldly to my seat. Whereupon all my books would spill out on the floor and well, welcome to Classic Comedy 101.
RORY: I'd like to see your "devil may care" hair toss.
OLIVER: Well, I just might have to show you one of these days.
They lapse into amused silence as they walk down the hall
OLIVER: So um, I'm taking this anthropology class and I read somewhere that there's this long-standing tradition in many parts of the globe whereby if a guy picks up a girl's books more than once, they either get married or go out for coffee together, depending on the hemisphere. Something about latitude and longitude lines and the weather effects on the evolutionary patterns of primates, I don't know.
RORY: Huh. So what is it for this hemisphere?
OLIVER: I think this particular part of the hemisphere is the coffee sector. Of course, I'm just saying this in point of fact. I'm not suggesting anything. If I were trying to suggest something I'd probably be bumbling with inchoate sentences and certainly not as smooth as I am now because I've just never been good at suggesting things like that, and haven't really had a history of favorable response to my suggestions, not that I've never gotten favorable responses to my suggestions because I'm very...suggestive...no, not suggestive. I'm not being suggestive at all. I'm not even suggesting anything, like I said. I'm just saying.
RORY: Right. I totally understand.
OLIVER: Really? Great, good.
RORY: It is tradition, though.
OLIVER: That it is.
RORY: Do we really want to break with tradition?
OLIVER: Yale frowns upon it.
RORY: So I guess we're just going to have to go out for coffee.
OLIVER: And I mean, if we're going to have coffee, we might as well have dinner.
RORY: Might as well.
OLIVER: Tradition's a bitch.
RORY: What can you do?
OLIVER: (smiling) So can I pick you up at eight?
RORY: Sure.
OLIVER: Where are you dorming at?
RORY: Um, actually, why don't we meet in front of Sterling?
OLIVER: Okay. See you then. (smiles)
RORY: Yeah. (smiles)
INT. LUKE'S DINER
Miss Patty and Babette are seated at a table.
BABETTE: So what's new with you, Patty?
PATTY: Oh I'm a wreck, an absolute wreck.
BABETTE: Why, what's wrong?
PATTY: Well, you remember that young man that I hired as my replacement after I had hurt my ankle and was on crutches?
BABETTE: Do I? I still have dreams about him. Just last night I dreamed that I was Marie Osmond and Morey was Donny and he was that David Cassidy from the Patridge family and he was trying to get me to leave Donny and join his band.
PATTY: Did you?
BABETTE: (wistfully) No. I'm faithful even in my dreams. So how comes I haven't seen the kid around anymore?
PATTY: Well, that's what I was getting to. Since I got off the crutches, there was no reason for me to keep him any more. But I tried. Oh did I try! But my students were begging for me and he was such a good sport, he decided it would be better for him to leave so that I could take up my post again.
BABETTE: Your students were begging for you?
PATTY: You sound surprised.
BABETTE: No offense, Patty, but if I had to choose between that nice looking young man bouncing his little rear up and down in a leotard and you, well...
PATTY: Yeah, I don't blame you. So you can imagine what this is like for me. I go from seeing that man every other weekday to this...
Patty gestures at the plain men at the diner
BABETTE: I see what you mean.
Luke comes around to the next table and collects the plates.
BABETTE: Well, Luke's got a nice set of buns.
PATTY: This is my only consolation prize. I come in here and follow those buns every chance I get.
BABETTE: You better watch out his girlfriend don't catch you.
PATTY: The lawyer? I'm not worried about her at all. It'll never last.
BABETTE: What do you mean?
PATTY: Just follow the buns, sweetheart. Watch and learn.
Kirk enters.
KIRK: Luke, I need you to do me a favor.
LUKE: What is it, Kirk?
KIRK: Could you call Lorelai and tell her you would like to know where she keeps the old TV Guides?
LUKE: But I don't want to know where she keeps the old TV Guides.
KIRK: Wouldn't you like to know so that you could tell me.
LUKE: No.
KIRK: Come on, Luke.
LUKE: Look, if you want, you can use the phone here. Call her and ask her yourself.
KIRK: I can't.
LUKE: Why not?
KIRK: We are currently not on speaking terms.
LUKE: What happened?
KIRK: I really don't want to talk about it.
LUKE: Did you check the recycling bin?
KIRK: I'm not on garbage pick up this week.
LUKE: I mean, did you check Lorelai's recycling bins for the old tv guides.
KIRK: Come to think of it, I didn't. But why would she throw out old TV Guides?
LUKE: I'm guessing 'cause they're old.
KIRK: They're collector's items.
LUKE: So go collect them from the garbage and get outta here.
Kirk turns to leave when Lorelai enters. Kirk turns back to Luke.
KIRK: So Luke, what's your portfolio looking like?
LUKE: My what?
KIRK: I hear junks are the way to go.
LUKE: What?
KIRK: Seen any baseball games lately?
LUKE: I have. Have you?
KIRK: Well, no. Why don't you tell me about them?
LUKE: Kirk, I'm running a business here. I have customers.
KIRK: Really? I don't see any. Where do you see a customer? (looks askance at Lorelai) You mean that? Might want to get rid of her quick; she's scaring all the customers.
LORELAI: (rolling her eyes) I was going to order dinner here, Luke, but I didn't realize the place was rodent infested.
LUKE: Now just stop it right there. You can't say rodent in a diner. It's like saying fire in a crowded building.
KIRK: Some people have no class.
LUKE: And you, stop insulting the customers. What the hell is wrong with you two?
Kirk and Lorelai remain silent looking away
LUKE: Look, whatever problem you've got, either take it outside or drop it here. Pretend you're both mature adults.
KIRK: She started it.
LORELAI: No, he did.
LUKE: That's it. I'm separating you two. You over there (pointing Kirk to the left corner of the diner) and you over there (pointing Lorelai to the right).
They walk to their separate corners like pouty children. Luke shakes his head and his eyes land on Patty and Babette who are looking at him, smiling and waving hello. He sighs and walks over to Lorelai's table, order pad in hand
INT. NEW HAVENRory enters her room. She finds Jess on the phone.
JESS: (on the phone) Probably. See you there, I guess. Good bye.
RORY: Who was that?
JESS: I don't know.
RORY: You called and you don't know who it is?
JESS: I didn't call.
RORY: You answered the phone?!
JESS: It kept ringing and ringing all day and it annoyed me, so yeah I answered it.
RORY: I thought I made the rules very clear.
JESS: You did. I broke one. No big deal. It was just a televangelist doing a survey.
RORY: This time. But next time it could be someone else. It could be the Dean.
JESS: If the Dean is calling you I'm guessing you're already in trouble.
RORY: Don't answer the phone. Ever. Got that?
JESS: Fine.
RORY: Okay. (she goes into the closet. Jess picks up a book)
JESS: What are we doing about dinner?
RORY: (from inside the closet) I don't know what you're going to do. I have a date.
Jess looks up from his book, a little staggered. He quickly brushes it off.
JESS: Who's the guy?
RORY: You wouldn't know him.
JESS: How long have you two been going out?
RORY: It's none of your business.
JESS: Didn't say it was. But I bet it's your knack for small talk he loves most about you.
RORY: If you must know, (Jess rolls his eyes) it's our first date.
JESS: When's he coming over?
RORY: He's not. I'm meeting him at the library.
JESS: Ashamed of him?
RORY: No. I'm ashamed of you. (coming out of the closet) I didn't mean it like that...I...you know what, I don't care (goes back into the closet)
Jess gets up and walks over to her books. He picks one out and begins to look through it. An eyebrow raises. He picks up another one and flips through it and looks at the rest of the books.
JESS: You got new books.
RORY: (still in the closet) What?
JESS: All of your books are new. Like they've never been read.
RORY: (out of the closet) Not all of them.
JESS: Most of them.
RORY: So I bought new books. I figured it was time.
JESS: Time for new books?
RORY: Yeah, why not?
JESS: Why?
RORY: Maybe because you defaced all my old ones with your stupid handwriting. (back into the closet)
JESS: Huh. So when was this?
RORY: I don't know. About a month ago.
JESS: And I thought I couldn't upset you when I wasn't here.
RORY: (out from the closet) Don't flatter yourself. It was a practical decision. Your notes were smudging the pages, they looked gross. It was distracting. I bought new clean copies. Simple as that. (Rory walks up and takes the book out of his hand and puts it back on the shelf.) Do me a favor and don't mess these up.
Jess raises his hands and backs away from the bookcase. He picks up his own tattered book again and settles on the bed. Rory goes in the bathroom to change.
JESS: (mutters) Bitch.
It seems like mere moments when she comes out of the bathroom dressed simply but elegantly, putting on a pair of earrings.
JESS: You're not wearing those shoes are you?
RORY: No. I thought about it but...wait, why do you ask?
JESS: They just look uncomfortable. For being so big on rules, you should know that's the number one cardinal rule on dating. Never go on a first date with uncomfortable shoes.
RORY: Well they're not uncomfortable.
JESS: So why are you changing them?
RORY: I'm not.
JESS: Suit yourself.
RORY: Anyway, I have to go. Remember, don't answer the phone. (leaves)
INT. LUKE'S DINERKirk has left the diner. Luke brings over Lorelai's order
LUKE: So come on, what's going on with you and Kirk?
LORELAI: I really don't want to talk about it.
LUKE: That bad, eh? You'd think you two were married.
LORELAI: (raising the fork threateningly) Don't you start.
LUKE: Fine.
LORELAI: What happened to the music?
LUKE: I don't know. I was listening to the tape. All this schmaltzy music. Not really my style.
LORELAI: I can't say I thought you were a Monkees fan.
LUKE: I hated them. That stupid TV show.
LORELAI: Yeah, I know. But at least they gave us white out.
LUKE: You'd have to be high on it to like them.
LORELAI: You sure let Nicole think you loved the tape.
LUKE: Well, yeah, because that's what you do.
LORELAI: Huh?
LUKE: Yeah. You pretend like you like something the other person likes to keep the peace.
LORELAI: In other words, you completely deny your own personality to appease the other person?
LUKE: Exactly.
LORELAI: Whatever happened to honesty being the key to every healthy relationship.
LUKE: Who needs a key when the window's open? All I'm saying is that it's best not to complicate things. But with a little compromise, some white lies like saying you like something when you'd rather bang your head against the wall, that's how you make a relationship work.
LORELAI: So it's really small installments of accumulating deception that's the key to a healthy relationship. That sounds about right.
LUKE: I rest my case.
LORELAI: Hey, dating a lawyer doesn't make you one. And you can say what you want but your little white lie solution is just...like the Monkee's white out. It's only a temporary solution.
LUKE: How's white out a temporary solution?
LORELAI: Ask Mickey Dolenz' accountant.
LUKE: Hey, I don't exactly see you being the expert on social bliss right now.
Nicole comes into the diner.
LORELAI: Look, forget it. It's none of my business. Anyway, I have to go. Better put the tape back on. Hope you have a lot of white out to sniff.
LUKE: Don't you worry about me. I know what I'm doing.
LORELAI: Next time I'll have to watch and learn.
Lorelai leaves. Luke stays in his spot for a moment, then joins Nicole at the counter
INT. NEW HAVENJess is listening to music in the room on head phones. The phone rings. He stops his music to answer, but thinks better of it. The answering machine picks up.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, this is Rory. I guess I'm not here but if you leave a message I'll get back you. Okay, bye.
RORY: Jess, it's Rory. Pick up.
Jess smirks and puts back on his headphones, still not turning on the music.
RORY: Oh, very funny Jess. Come on, pick up. I need you to bring me another pair of shoes. I'm at this Italian restaurant and we're waiting to be seated and there's trays of things with spaghetti sauce all over the place and I can't walk in these shoes and I foresee disaster happening. Please, pick up. Jess! Come on. I really can't walk in these. (pauses) Fine. Be that way. (click)
Jess almost laughs audibly and turns back on his music. A full 5 seconds pass. He stops the music.
JESS: Dammit!
He picks up a pair of Rory's shoes and leaves.
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANTRory and Oliver are still waiting to be seated. Oliver looks repeatedly at this beeper.
OLIVER: We should have been beeped twenty minutes ago. This place is usually good about that.
RORY: Maybe the thing is broken.
OLIVER: I should go check.
RORY: I think I'll wait right here.
OLIVER: Okay.
Rory leans against the wall next to a plant.
RORY: (to the plant) Don't make any sudden movements because I have no control of my feet right now and things will get ugly.
PLANT: Psst.
Rory gets startled and almost tips the plant over. Jess grabs her steady from the other side of the plant.
JESS: Hey, you'll blow my cover. Here are your shoes.
RORY: What?
JESS: Just put them on and pass me the other ones.
Rory takes the shoes from Jess.
RORY: But they don't match what I'm wearing.
JESS: Hey, I just went around to every Italian restaurant and quasi-Italian restaurant in New Haven. You wanted shoes, you're wearing the damn shoes.
RORY: Yes, okay, you're right. Thank you.
They make the switch quickly as Oliver is returning. Jess retreats behind the plant, and he and Rory exchange small smiles as he leaves.
OLIVER: Well, I had to sleep with a couple of waitresses and one bus boy but we've got a table.
RORY: Great. (they start walking)
OLIVER: Hey, what happened to you?
RORY: What?
OLIVER: You're walking normally.
RORY: I made my peace with gravity.
OLIVER: Good to hear.
Later.
Rory and Oliver are eating, talking, laughing.
RORY: You know, you kind of remind me of a guy I knew in High School.
OLIVER: Really? An ex boyfriend?
RORY: (momentarily hesitates)... (laughs lightly) No, he was Mr. Personality/King of the school kind of guy.
OLIVER: (laughs) Oh wow, I've never quite gotten that before
RORY: Really?
OLIVER: Oh yeah. In High School I was kind of a...
RORY: Geek?
OLIVER: Ineffectual. (pauses) How'd I got from Mr. Popularity to geek in your eyes so fast?
Rory smiles, amused
OLIVER: But yeah. I was painfully shy. The kind of guy that most people didn't notice if I were in the room
RORY: Really? I can't see that.
OLIVER: Yeah, well, when I got to college it was, and please pardon the expression, a whole new world. I got the chance to start over. New state, new school, new people who haven't known me since I ate paste...
Rory smiles
RORY: You ate paste?
OLIVER: Oh yeah, it was great.
RORY: Any recommendations?
OLIVER: I'd start off with Elmers and work my way up to the harder stuff.
RORY: Good to know.
Oliver smiles
RORY: But I know what you mean. I grew up in a really small town. And while it was great because it was like I had this huge family who cared about and looked out for me; at the same time... the guy who owns the diner tried to beat up my first boyfriend when he broke up with me.
OLIVER: (laughing) Really?
RORY: Yeah.
OLIVER: Wow.
RORY: I got chocolate chip pancakes out of it, though.
OLIVER: So it's all good then.
INT. LUKE'S DINERLuke is closing up. Nicole helps put up the chairs.
NICOLE: You know, you should consider sprucing the place up a bit.
LUKE: What do you mean?
NICOLE: I don't know. Maybe some thematic posters on the wall. It's got a quaint feel to it. Maybe a 1950s theme. Or you can go for an edgier 1920s theme.
LUKE: I don't know. I kind of like it like this.
NICOLE: It's nice just the way it is. I'm just saying there are ways to make it better, do something ambitious.
Luke remains silent.
NICOLE: I'm not saying you have to decide today. It's just something to think about. Anyway, I'm going to head upstairs. See you in a bit.
LUKE: Yeah. I'll be right up.
Nicole goes upstairs. Luke is scrubbing down the counters when Kirk comes to the door.
LUKE: (goes over) Kirk, the diner's closed.
KIRK: Please. I just need a cup of tea to calm me down.
Luke sighs and opens up
LUKE: You and Lorelai still at it?
KIRK: She's unbearable.
LUKE: So why don't you just move out?
KIRK: And where would I go?
LUKE: Not here, I can tell you that much.
KIRK: Lorelai may have her bad points. We're nothing alike. She's picky and controlling and she talks too fast and she just won't give science fiction a chance! (pause) But at the end of the day, she's there. I'm not alone. You know?
LUKE: (very seriously) Actually, I do.
KIRK: I'll just take that tea to go.
Luke hands him a to-go cup of hot water and a tea bag.
LUKE: Cheers.
KIRK: Thanks.
Luke locks the door. He goes back to the counter and takes the radio. He looks at it and pulls out the tape. He smiles, puts it in the pocket of his flannel and heads upstairs.
INT. GILMORE HOUSEKirk enters. Lorelai is laughing at the TV. When she sees Kirk, she stops laughing and squints her eyes angrily. Kirk tries to follow suit, but relents. Lorelai notices.
KIRK: Lorelai, maybe we've taken this too far.
LORELAI: I guess, maybe.
KIRK: I mean, it all started with...
LORELAI: With...
KIRK: The thing...
LORELAI: Right, the thing...Don't tell me we don't even remember what we're fighting about.
KIRK: Well, I know I don't.
LORELAI: Neither do I.
KIRK: I guess we got a little carried away.
LORELAI: It's been a while since I've had a good fight with someone.
KIRK: You fight with Luke all the time.
LORELAI: But it's different with Luke.
KIRK: Yeah, I know what you mean. Everyone fights with Luke.
LORELAI: Exactly.
KIRK: I don't want to fight like this again.
LORELAI: Oh come on. It's our first real fight. It's a milestone. You'll get used to it eventually.
KIRK: Really?
LORELAI: Well, probably not, but that's what makes us not Luke.
KIRK: So we're good now.
LORELAI: We're cool.
KIRK: Well, I'm going to go to the room and watch Star Trek voyager on the small TV.
LORELAI: Kirk, you can watch it out here. I'll watch it with you.
KIRK: You will?
LORELAI: Actually, I'd rather bang my head on the wall. But I'll watch Taxi on the small TV this time.
They smile
EXT. NEW HAVENRory and Oliver are returning from their date. Jess is at the window smoking and he sees them from above.
OLIVER: So whether it was all that second-hand pot I inhaled my first year here--because yes, I did inhale-- or the pony that knocked me on my head at the zoo when I was seven, in the end, I ended up declaring a philosophy as my major.
Rory smiles
RORY: Well, this is me.
OLIVER: I was here the first half of my sophomore year. Good place. Couldn't stand my roommate.
Rory nods
OLIVER: Well, I should let you go up and get some sleep. Wouldn't want you to make it late to another class with paper clips impressed on your forehead.
RORY: You just won't let it go, will you?
They laugh
OLIVER: Good night, Rory.
RORY: Good night.
Oliver begins to turn away but turns back
OLIVER: Okay, so, traditionally at the end of an evening like tonight the guy is required to see the girl off with a goodnight kiss.
RORY: Well, what can you do? It's tradition.
OLIVER: (shrugs) Tradition's a bitch.
RORY: Yeah.
They smile awkwardly. Finally, Oliver leans in and kisses her. Upstairs, Jess puts out his cigarette and closes the window. Song: Goodnight Sweet Girl, by Ghost of the Robot. When Rory comes in, Jess is sitting on the bed reading, feigning casual.
JESS: (nonchalant) So how was it?
RORY: It was okay. Um, thank you for... well, you know... for the shoes.
Jess: Whatever.
Rory nods and goes to the bathroom to change to her pjs. She comes out shyly and sits on her bed and if searching for something she wants to say. Finally...
RORY: I'm gonna go to bed.
JESS: Yeah ok. Me too, I guess.
Rory goes to her bed and turns off the table light
RORY: 'Night, Jess
JESS: 'Night, Rory.
song continues
They both lie there in the dark on their backs staring up at the ceiling in silence.
"Good Night Sweet Girl"
Are we done for now,
Or is this for good,
Will there be something in time?
With us there should.
Only girl for me is you
There can be no other one
If I didn't have faith
I would come undone
So much promise in your eyes
Seems that I can only see
It always makes me wonder
If you save it all for me
Maybe you do
Maybe you don't
Maybe you should
Probably wont...
Because there will be...
There will be other guys
Who will whisper in your ear
Say they'll take away you sadness
And your fears
They may be kind and true
They may be good for you
But they'll never care for you
More than I do
I'll be always there
There to the end
I can't do much
But be your one true friend
To the end
Through the end
Our lives to spend
With each other till the end
Of time...
Still see the promise in your eyes
And still wonder if it's for me
But i know it's still there
Even when you sleep
So I say, good night sweet girl