:: The Becoming ::

Gensomaden Saiyuki

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Sanzo/Goku, hinted Gojyo/Hakkai

Warnings: language, shounen ai/yaoi, some violence

Notes: And now the end. I apologize if it seems too abrupt. ^^;

I'm delighted everyone seemed to like the last chapter, though. ^_^ I ought to write more about Seiten Taisei, huh?

Constructive criticism and feedback always appreciated. Thanks for all the support for this fic!

Chapter Six/Epilogue

The aftermath of being Seiten Taisei was never pleasant. It wasn't just that Sanzo always yelled at him, called him an idiot, and hit him repeatedly for acting so stupidly. No, those were normal occurrences with even small matters. It was the tension beforehand, the brief period of indifference that made Goku both frightened and sick.

He was woozy, and the feeling reminded him of the one time he had gotten drunk, only without the overhang. His head did hurt a little, but that was probably because he had a new diadem to get used to. He knew it was a new one, because when he had reached up to push away the hair in his eyes he hadn't felt any of the scrapes or cracks his other diadem had. He never knew what happened with the old one, but never asked questions. What was important was that he was back to normal; he was sane, and everyone was safe.

Still, he hadn't seen Sanzo all day, and he was tense.

By noon the dizzy feeling had faded and he was feeling oriented enough to bound downstairs for lunch. He and Gojyo launched right into another one of their squabbles, which Hakkai humored and Sanzo bluntly ignored. Once the blonde excused himself from the table, not once looking Goku's way, Goku felt his sudden burst of energy spend itself. He sat quietly eating, which seemed to disconcert Gojyo, and when asked he said that he still felt a bit sick. He hurried back upstairs to lie down.

Sanzo wasn't in the room.

That was something he had actually noted when he had woken up. Even without his asking, Hakkai had explained that a few rooms had become vacant that morning and Sanzo had moved into one of them as soon as he heard about it. That wasn't unusual. Goku had nodded, but couldn't help but feel a stab of hurt anyway.

That night, during dinner, Sanzo told them it was far past time they left this village. Everyone readily agreed; they had spent nearly a week there and it was only going to hurt their chances of completing the mission the longer they stayed.

Sometimes it was that easy to forget they even had a mission. It was easy to just think that all they were doing was traveling west, no real destination in mind. It was a lie, and Goku berated himself for even thinking it because it was like running away from the problem.

But he wasn't running. He was just trying to enjoy life while it lasted, and he couldn't do that if he was forced to think depressing thoughts-- or if Sanzo was dead. That was why, despite all they said, he would jump to Sanzo's aid if it meant saving his life.

He had to pause in the hallway, stilled by a passing image. He stepped back, peering at himself critically in the mirror. It was normal for him to come out all but unscathed after one of his rampages; usually whatever injuries he did sustain were just bruises, hidden by his clothes. This time, however, there were four large, visible gashes on the side of his face. They would stop hurting in a few day's time, and maybe by the end of next week they would be gone. Until then, he would have to put up with the physical reminder of what had happened.

That hurt.

Tired but not really sleepy, Goku finally made it to his room, shutting the door without bothering to light a candle. He was more emotionally tired than he was physically... and the constant ache in his heart was throbbing intensely, the way it always did after he went berserk-demon-mode on everyone. There was one thing that could alleviate the pain, and that was...

... Something he knew he would have to get over eventually.

That train of thought was the reason why he came to an abrupt halt halfway into the room, nearly toppling over in sheer surprise when he saw Sanzo sitting on his bed. The monk didn't stay there; once Goku noticed him he got to his feet, brushing past him to go outside. Since he was obviously meant to follow, Goku did. He didn't know where they were going or why Sanzo wanted to speak to him, but he also knew that if he didn't follow things would only end up getting worse before they got better.

Even before they came to a stop, Sanzo was speaking to him. "You lied to me."

Taken aback and puzzled, Goku's steps faltered momentarily. "What? When?" But Sanzo didn't stop, didn't answer, so he hurried to catch up. "When did I lie to you?" Goku demanded, stepping in the man's path when he still refused to answer. Narrowing his golden eyes, he demanded a third time, "When?"

Glaring back, Sanzo fairly growled, "Not telling me is the same as lying. You're hiding something, therefore deceiving me. You lied about Seiten Taisei the other night."

The other night... Goku stiffened, but didn't back down. "Why don't you kill me, then?" he asked, well aware that Sanzo would be able to detect the slight tremor in his voice. "You said you would."

Scoffing, Sanzo looked away. "You're not worth wasting a bullet on, stupid monkey."

Unsure of what to say to that, Goku finally lowered his eyes. Sanzo always tried to send mixed signals, but Goku liked to think that he was getting better and better at interpreting them-- and in this case, he was dead certain Sanzo was saying, in his round-about way, that he didn't want to kill him, all previous threats aside.

The rustle of cloth alerted Goku. His hand shot out without his thinking, grabbing a fistful of the monk's robes. The rustling stopped. When he looked up, Sanzo was watching him expectantly. It was up to Goku to speak, to bring up the subject-- because Sanzo was the last person that ever would.

Goku took a deep breath to harden his resolve, his grip on Sanzo's clothes tightening. "About... that night..."

"What about it?"

"Why'd you do it?"

Sanzo tried shaking the boy off, but when that didn't work, Goku found a surprisingly strong grip loosening his hold. His hand went lax beneath Sanzo's instantly; resistance only made things worse at this point.

"Why?" Sanzo repeated, his tone carrying that note of haughtiness he often used to throw the others off. "Why the hell do I need a reason?"

Goku's hand clenched into a fist under Sanzo's palm. "You always have a reason," he insisted. "You do. You don't do things without thinking, especially when you tell me not to."

As he spoke Sanzo's hand dropped from his. Goku let his clenched fists fall to his side, tension thrumming through him like consistent drum beats, fast and intense and causing him to tremble as he desperately tried to recollect himself.

He visibly flinched when Sanzo's other hand came into view, but found the man simply tangling his fingers in brown hair, shoving Goku's head back and forcing him to look up. Sanzo's expression was set, his lips drawn in a flat line, eyes hard, scrutinizing, and closed off. Goku was unable to interpret what the man was thinking, even under the intense stare.

At last, Sanzo said, "If you don't die..."

Goku blinked. "What?"

The hand slid from his hair. "Ask me again later." Violet pierced him. "After this damned mission is over, ask me again and I'll answer-- if you live. So if you want an answer, you'd better not die."

If I don't die, he'll... Goku was quicker than he was normally given credit for; he put the odd pieces of Sanzo's answer together. It was only half an answer, but it was more than he'd had before. Grinning, Goku nodded. "Yeah," he agreed. "You better not die, either."

"Tch. Like I'll let myself be killed before you."

There was nothing else to be said. Goku let the man walk past him, continuing to his room. The door shut behind him with a soft click, and only after that did Goku move as well. He didn't go back to his room; rather, he went straight for Sanzo's, knocking loudly, knowing it would annoy the man. "Sanzo!"

The door didn't open, but from the cross tone in the man's voice Goku could tell he was glaring. "What?"

"Until then, can I sleep in your room more often?"

Silence was his only answer, which wasn't surprising. It was a bold question, one that could easily get him shot down. Part of him wondered what he was doing, acting so rashly, but another more curious, more determined part wanted to know the answer.

At last, he heard Sanzo say in an unnaturally soft tone, "Go to bed, Goku."

Once again Sanzo was avoiding answering with either a yes or a no. Despite the answer, Goku found himself smiling. "Goodnight," he said, turning away. He didn't expect an answer. He wasn't going to get one. For now he was just going to erase the past few days from his mind; he wouldn't drag the memories up again until the day he needed them: the day he would ask his question again.

Goku went to sleep in his own bed.