Go, Haru, go!
Story: Oh my, I've decided to right a short humor story about what would happen if Kagura was about to marry Kyou, but Haru objected...in STYLE! And Ayame videotaped all of it. (And it's late right now, so if the story is going no where, I'm too tired to care.)
Warning: Well, if you hate shounen-ai, that's sad. But it's funny. Kagura isn't a favorite, but I won't try to hurt her in the fic that much. Maybe only emotionally. Oh, and I don't have a grammar checker beta reader or whatnot, but I'll try to correct this.
Inspired by the picture I saw of Kagura torturing Kyou. sob He looks like he's in so much pain.
PG? Maybe PG-13 1/2
'I pray, if you get me out of this, Lord, I swear I won't throw away another leek, I won't ridicule Tohru, I won't tease Momiji, I won't spit in Shigure's tea, I'll try to say something nice to Yuki, I'll get Hatori new bedpans and help out all the weak in the hospitals, I'll take Hiro, Kisa, and every brat to the zoo, and I'll let Haru beat me once."
He said his Amens, but it was a little too late for that because his bride walked up to the alter, a conniving smirk ruining her innocent face. Kyou mentally rolled his eyes and groaned. He didn't want to actually move or make a sound right now because he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.
He wouldn't be here right now, in a church-- MARRIAGE church-- standing on this alter, being perfectly still, not complaining or causing damage, in an itchy tuxedo, getting married to Kagura... if it wasn't for the stinkin' family.! 'I swear, they're all against me,' Kyou seethed. Akito did have them engaged all those years. But he probably did it to get Kagura to leave sooner, while tormenting the one he hated-- the cat-- into something he'd never agree too. Definitely never agree to this. That bastard.
Kagura was an okay girl to Kyou-- if she didn't cause so much damage to his insides and kick his ass most of the time. Why couldn't she just stop being loud and annoying? It was worse than having Tohru cook leeks or Haru's black side going through his yaoi manga. If God listened to his prays, he'd make it up to both of them. God, he loved them, not Kagura! But right now, he was going to get married to THIS girl!
Ayame and Shigure were seated in the front seats to his left. They appeared to be crying for joy, but if you looked closely you could see they were really crying from laughing so hard at Kyou's misery. Ayame was making sure to videotape this wedding, so Kyou didn't want to look directly at the camera or he'd be forced to flip them the bird. Yuki and Tohru were sitting by them. A smile of true happiness was on Tohru's genuine face, while Yuki sneered, trying to hold laughter in. Behind them was Hiro who had help from Momiji holding up a huge banner written "I feel sorry for you!" across it. Kyou couldn't blame the brats. Hatori was there trying not to sit by Ayame and Shigure. Kisa, and Ritsu (oddly) were Kagura's bride's maids, while Haru had been his best man, but the cow hadn't shown up yet. Even Akito and Rin were here, much to his disappointment. But... where was Haru?
He must have gotten lost trying to find the church.
The redhead stood at the alter, almost stiff and rigid as a hard-on he'd get from looking at Haru's well soaked body after a good shower. Speaking of Haru naked...
But now was not time for those disturbing thoughts. The old, balding, priest guy was not far from the part about making THE vow Kyou would have to make soon.
"...Through sickness, and in health..."
Man that old guy could talk fast! It seemed as only seconds ago Kagura was walking up the aisle. Maybe she ran...she sort of seemed she wanted to get this over with, and Kyou feared the reason why she was so eager to get away from everyone but himself after this.
"I do!" Kagura chirped, and she looked to her soon-to-be husband expectantly.
Before Kyou could think, the words that came out of his mouth shocked even him. "I do." It was monotone and very depressed. He couldn't help it. Marrying Kagura had it's benefits, probably. He could have children, pray they won't live a life like this, start a dojo or whatnot, and be as far away as possible from this family.
Damn him. This priest was going to ruin his future! If by any chance the geezer could've been assassinated by some crook on the way to this church, Kyo would be happy. Maybe that was harsh, but Kyou started imagining ninjas and the whole-ass-kicking heroes you see in anime beating up this man, because Kyou was in serious need of help-- RIGHT NOW!
'Somebody save me...' Kyou moaned aloud, and Kagura looked at him suspiciously before grinning, 'Kyou-chan seems to be thinking about our honeymoon... how sweet!' She flushed as the ecchi thoughts clouded her mind, dirty enough for God to want to come down there himself and kick her out of his church. Too bad, because God was taking a break in the lavatory--- RIGHT NOW.
'Why is everyone else busy doing something 'RIGHT NOW' when they should be saving me!' Kyou wanted to slap the hell out of Kagura because she was looking at him funny. She was starting to drool on her dress. Yuck.
"If there is anyone..." 'Oh, no!' thought Kyou.
"...who objects to this..." 'Almost there till the yucky kiss...'
"...let them speak..." 'Shit!'
"...now..." Tears were welling in his eyes.
"...or forever hold..." 'This is it...'
"...his--"
"Oh my God!" Some random person Kyou didn't even now that was in the audience jumped out of her seat. More girls and ladies did the same, staring past Kyou, Kagura and the priest, to the stained glass window behind them. He looked outside and what he saw baffled him.
No wonder the girls were screaming and pointing. Outside was a man in a costume that looked like a giant booger, hanging an a cord and being lowered by a helicopter. Kyou didn't know why he didn't hear the noise of the helicopter earlier. He was probably too busy focusing on the words coming out of the geezer priest's mouth. But there WAS a man on that single rope, and he leapt off...
...and through the church's window, crashing onto the ground and rolling between the priest and Kyou. The stranger's body laid motionless, and he could sworn the face looked familiar--
"Haru!" Kyou shouted. He knelt to Haru and tried to help his cousin up. What got in the way was the big costume Haru was wearing that made him look like a green wart. Made him look absolutely fat.
"Lord have mercy," muttered the priest has he did the sign of the cross.
"Are you okay, Haru?" Kyou couldn't help his concern as he brushed away Haru's perfect hair from his pale face. He could sense murderous vibes coming from Kagura, though. Everyone else was shocked that someone came crashing through the wedding. The priest took out a joint and entertained himself.
"Why is Haru-kun wearing a costume from Shrek?" Ritsu asked Kisa, who just shrugged in response. The young girl was astonished that Haru would actually interrupt this marriage. When he didn't come, she'd suspected he was too sad to make it. She didn't think he'd make an entrance so dramatically. That just showed how much the cow loved the cat. But this was embarrassing! Haru was unconscious and Kyou tried to revive him.
That when the ox's eyes shot open, darting around them room. He slowly sat up in Kyou's arms and looked around the room full of anxious faces, to the priest, then at Kyou, and smiled. He playfully flicked his tongue across his cousin's lips and asked, "Am I too late?"
"Haru, that's the dumbest question you could ask." Kyou shook his head. The younger man jumped out of his arms and started shoving the costume off.
"Strip!" A girl shouted. After that, all the other girls started chanting the same mantra, while whooping and clapping their hands. Where had these people come from? Did Shigure and Ayame invite them? Kyou saw the priest fall down in bliss, the pervert.
Under the Shrek costume, Haru was dressed as Kyou was. His tuxedo was red, though, and he wore converse and sunglasses with red tint. He smirked at the crowd, and they swooned. Now Kyou really rolled his eyes.
"I've come to take my baby home!" Haru yelled into a microphone that Kyou couldn't understand how it appeared in his hand to begin with. "But first, I'd like to say why! I love you, Kyou!" He dropped the mike and started hip hop dancing, right there and then on the alter, in front of the fangirls, the priest, and God. God liked it, though.
"Haru," Kagura screeched, "you are ruining my wedding!" She picked up the discarded microphone and promptly smacked Haru on top of the head with it. Her face was flushed and she panted with each breath. "You can't just come in here! Kyou said 'I do', and we love each other! We're about to finish getting married, so just sit back and watch!" She pointed a finger at the empty seat by Yuki, who sweat dropped.
Haru slowly rose from the ground, his face calm with a smile and he said, "I can't do that. I can't let Kyou do something he'll regret."
"The only thing he regretted was ever dating a queer!"
Gasps rose from the crowd. Ayame was eagerly videotaping all of this. It wasn't everyday a young relative came to his cousin's wedding dressed as Shrek, admitted a gay affair, danced, and then looked ready to commit murder to his boyfriend's future wife. He could sell this tape to someone. (AN: I know I'd buy it.)
"She got him bad," whispered Hiro to Momiji, who nodded in agreement. But it was poor Kagura who was really going to end up in a bad condition.
"Hey, biyotch," sneered Black Haru. He strode over to Kagura, dangerously close and moved lower until both their eyes were at the same level, or at least Kagura tried to appear taller on her tiptoes, but Haru held his chin up high, smugly. A glaring contest started. Kyou was getting annoyed by his cousins already. He rested his hands on his hips and tapped his foot in an impatient manner. The audience continued watching, holding their breaths.
"Haru," Kagura muttered, "just give it up. There's no way Kyou will abandon me for you."
"First," Black Haru slurred in a low voice, "he just happens to find me more attractive than you. Why do you think he pays more attention to me? And whenever he's around you, he looks like he needs to run to the bathroom." He knocked her forehead with his.
"Hey! I may beat him up most of the time, but that's because my love for Kyou is so strong... I can't hold it in me! He's everything to me. I played with him while we were kids, too! So our bond is greater!" She pulled her face back and stuck out her tongue.
"Same here, sister!" Black Haru yelled angrily in triumph. "He took me to the bathroom-- HOLDING my hand--- while we were kids! And I turn black around him because my emotions are greater! So ha ha!"
"Well," Kagura offhandedly said, "your emotions aren't great enough to ever beat him."
Black Haru stepped back and contemplated this. Well, maybe because he was younger he could never beat Kyou in one match. That could be a lame excuse. He knew for sure he could beat the kitty in their own sexual activities.
"Fine." His voiced rumbled. "We'll have a contest to see who can win Kyou."
"Hey!" Kyou yelled. "I'm not something you can just win!"
"SHUT UP!" Kagura and Black Haru yelled in unison. Kyou balled his fists and tried to prevent himself from pouncing on Black Haru. He knew he couldn't beat Kagura. He sighed.
"But what should this competition be?" Kagura murmured.
"How about we'll transform, see who's the bigger animal, then--"
"You cheater! We'll try something you won't have an advantage in." Both Kagura and Black Haru shot glares at each other. Kisa and Ritsu had moved far away to avoid any flying object. Then a voice piped up.
"How about you both confess your love to Kyou?" Tohru sat there timidly when she gave her suggestion.
"Miss Honda, they both were saying that earlier." 'Or at least were fighting.' Yuki thought.
"Hey! How about a contest to see who can make the best puppy eyes?" Momiji stood up in his seat, and demonstrated the perfect, sparkling, honey- colored puppy-dog eyes with extra tears thrown into the mix.
"Oh please," Black Haru blew a raspberry. "That's like begging. I don't do that."
"I guess I'll win Kyou then." Kagura ran to Kyou and her eyes bugged widely. She made them teary, added whimpering noises and sniffles, and then they became what Kyou thought they were-- damn scary. "Kyou," Kagura clasped her hands in front of her, and got down to her knees. "You can't possibly refuse me! I'll be the only girl good enough for you! I'll love you, cook for you, wash your clothes, clean the house, give you massages--" Before she could drag on, Black Haru pushed her out of the way.
"The only one so much as touches Kyou will be me. Ne, Kyou?" He looked at Kyou with narrowed eyes that promised a lot of pain if he said 'no'. The cat gulped and shivered as a hand slid to the back of his neck and another gripped his waist. Black Haru's smirk made him nervous, especially as he leaned in with his hot mouth whispering into his ear. "I'll give you all the back rubs and rubs anywhere else, plus I'll let you be on top anytime you like." He chuckled, his smooth voice ringing through the cat's ears while he nipped on the lobe.
"Are you getting this, Aya?" Shigure looked to Ayame.
"Yup," answered the snake has he zoomed in on Black Haru spanking Kyou's rear end.
"Alright, that's enough!" Kagura pulled Kyou and Haru apart. She turned to Kyou, grabbing his shoulders with both hands as he flinched. "Kyou, my love, lets just get married! Everything was going so well until he came!" She pointed a finger at Haru, who was standing impatiently and watching. "Please! This is my dream to get married to you! The family even expects it and you agreed to it! So why change your mind?" Kyou opened his mouth to protest 'I didn't agree to this. I didn't have any say on it,' when Haru stepped up to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Your love?" His calm and white side said, "It's obvious Kyou doesn't want to be pushed by you, Kagura, into something he wouldn't like. I say we settle this in another manner..." He picked up the microphone and Black Haru sneered. "Karaoke battle, baby!"
The audience cheered. The Sohma family, including Kyou and Kagura, sweat- dropped. Then everyone's eyes bugged out of their sockets when Black Haru stripped out of his tuxedo and wore a black body suit decorated with chains, zippers, and revealing rips along his abdomen with knee high boots. He bowed to the fan girls, who squealed, jumped, pounded, and roared in the room. And bowing gave Kyou a shot of his taught buttocks.
"That's no fair! I won the puppy-eyed contest!" Kagura went up to Black Haru and spun him around to face her. The dark side just grinned and handed her the microphone.
"I'll let you go first then. Always save the best for last."
"No! I'm going after you! I went first last time," Kagura said. Black Haru rolled his eyes.
He walked over to a stereo that just happened to be in the church, and cranked up the bass. After he chose his song, he tapped his foot to the rhythm and licked the mike seductively. The fan girls ran up to the front of the altar and formed a cheering crowd.
"These girls are in the way! We have to do something, Aya!" Shigure pouted.
"Don't worry, sexy. I've go it covered." Ayame climbed onto Shigure's shoulders and held the camera high above the girls' heads.
"Oh, isn't this exciting," piped Tohru. "Haru's going to sing! His voice is very good." Yuki nodded just to be nice. Momiji and Hiro held up a banner with "Go, Haru, go!" scribbled on it.
Black Haru took a deep breath and started singing "My Last Breath" by Evanescence. The slow tempo picked, then the guitars roared.
"Hold on to me love...You know I can't stay long. All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid. Oh...
"Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?"
His deep voice echoed through this great room...or because he turned up the volume. Kyou was entranced to keep listening. He watched all of Haru's movements.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself! Are all my thoughts of you, sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight."
Black Haru's movement were graceful and seductive as he danced. He immediately started:
"I'll miss the winter; a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow find me.
"I know you hear me... I can taste it in your tears!"
Kyou watched, stunned, as Haru continued singing desperately.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself. Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight..."
He trailed off to look at Kyou and blow him a kiss. Kagura fumed. She would sing a better song than this! Kyou was thinking how much he'd wish he could be in a bed with Haru.
"Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave you here! But still you wake and know the truth. No one's there!
"Say goodnight. Don't be afraid. Calling me, calling me as you fade to black!"
Finishing the song he continued yelling in a passionate voice that awed Kyou.
"Say goodnight...holding my last breath...Don't be afraid.
Safe inside myself!...Calling me.
Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight...
His voice immediately dropped low and slowly echoing.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself.
Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight."
And the music echoed for a minute till is ended. Haru bowed politely and waved a gracious hand to his admires. They fainted happily. Kyou muttered curses out of jealously. If Haru flirted with anyone of them, he'd marry Kagura no matter how much he'd regret it. That dumb cow made his emotions all mixed up.
"It's my turn, Haru-chan." Kagura sneered as she took the microphone Haru handed to her. "This song I'm singing is more romantic, so you'll have no chance." She stuck her tongue out.
"Good luck," Haru smiled, "...not," finished Black Haru. Evil thoughts on how to sabotage her song ran through his head. Meanwhile, Kagura had looked to the song selection. "I'll choose something Japanese," she said hotly. The music to "Perfect World" by Sakamoto Chika started. It's light and beautiful tune filled the room.
"Mizu ni utsuru tsuki wo miru kara, Yurete shimau... Zujou ni aru hikari wa sore wo, Tada mite'ru dake..."
(Looking at the moon reflected in the water, I couldn't help but shake... The light overhead just looks at that...)
She hummed before continuing the next verse. This music was actually making Kyou's want to kiss... (AN: This song is beautiful. sob Nuriko!)
"Kizutsuite yowaru teoi no kemono demo--"
As if it were a record, it stopped abruptly. "Huh?" Kagura looked to the stereo and saw it unplugged. "Whoops." She blushed as she hastily put the plug back in before continuing where she left off.
"Ikiru no ka, nigeru no ka, subete jibun shidai...
(Even if an injured, weakening, wounded beast lives or runs away is all up to itself)
"Sora wa takaku! Hateshinai keredo. Hikari, dake wa, oshiminaku aru. Donna toki mo mimamotte-iru yo. Ai to, yuu na no
Perfect Wor--"
Loud static from the stereo echoed all too loud. The audience clamped their hands over their ears and shrieked.
"It's horrible," Shigure shouted.
"I bet I know who's causing this, though." Ayame smirked.
Behind the stereo, Haru held up foil to another microphone and rubbed it against it vigorously, emanating the sound through the stereo's bass. Good thing he put on ear muffs before putting the volume to full blast. He could faintly hear the scratching sound echoing throughout the church.
"Jesus!" Kyou yelled as he covered his ears. The ringing made his hairs stand up. That dumb cow was definitely causing this!
"What's happening?" Kagura was shouting into the microphone and the volume caused the stained glass windows to crack. She screamed. The glass broke apart and the shards went flying around the crowd and at the alter. People screamed, (well, the girls did, because guys don't usually scream, they just hold it in) as glass flew into their hair and some scratched their faces and hands trying to protect them. Some tripped on the glass trying to run, and ended up sitting on the shards. Ouch.
The colorful pieces that shot out toward the alter were heading straight for Kyou. He didn't have time, and instinct told him to cover himself with his thin arms. But he didn't feel anything hurt. He opened his eyes that were closed, expected to be hit with glass, and when he looked up, he saw the silhouette of Haru is front of him. Haru!? That dumb cow! He was only wearing a skimpy body suit! How could he protect him from--
But Haru's body that collapsed to the ground in exhaustion answered his question. Kyou collapsed with him as he wrapped his arms around him. "Haru!" He screamed. (AN: oh, guys do scream) He lightly shook the cow. "Haru. Please wake up." He put is hand to the strong chest affectionately. "Tell me why...why...why--" He smacked Haru across the face.
"Ow! Why'd you do that?! I saved you!" Haru grabbed his sore cheek.
"Because, you idiot, you pretended to risk your life saving me from pitiful glass when you're wearing a bullet-proof vest!" To show what he meant, Kyou irritably ripped open the top of Haru 's body suit. "You knew this was going to happen and you're acting like a clichéd fool! You ruin my wedding, harm everyone in here, hurt Kagura, and embarrass me because Ayame is videotaping this!" He pointed at the unsuspecting Ayami in front of them who waved.
"Pretend I'm not here" he said. Kyou punched him anyway.
"Kyou," Haru looked downcast with sad eyes, "I just can't let you leave me after what we've been through."
"What the hell are you talking about?! We haven't been through anything!"
"But," Haru looked up, shocked. "I read the things we could've done with each other and how much we love each other."
"Where'd you read that?!" Kyou's fangs sprouted as he yelled frantically.
"Fanfiction," Black Haru smirked. He grabbed Kyou by the back of the neck and pulled him into a kiss. It grew passionate when his tongue aggressively pushed through his lips into the redhead's mouth. It searched desperately as he ran it through the cavern of Kyou's mouth. He licked and bit the bottom lip of the shocked teen before pulling back.
Haru looked at him with a loving smile. Kyou couldn't believe this. This was getting no where!
"You jerk." He swore to Haru, who just chuckled. He brought his face closer and rested their foreheads together. "What will happen now," he muttered tiredly before yawning. He moved his head so that it rested on Haru's shoulder. "This isn't exactly romantic, and it's pretty much boring."
"Hey," Haru interjected. "I'm not boring." He stood up with Kyou. He grabbed a microphone and made sure to turn the volume down. "Okay, everyone! This marriage is officially for Kyou and Haru now--"
"Wait!" Kagura ran up to him, scratched with minor cuts. The crowd was dispersed, most unharmed, but there was still enough people watching. The family sat still. "You can't forget about me. It's my marriage! Akito paid for Kyou and I to get married!" She immediately took out a wad of cash that was stuffed in her kimono. Haru didn't know where she had kept them exactly, but he didn't care. He swiftly took the cash and shoved in into his vest.
"That's mine, you thief!" She made an attempt to grab it, but Momiji came up between them.
"Stop!" He waved his arms wide. "Please, stop fighting! Kagura, I don't think Kyou will marry you, so you shouldn't get the money." He looked helpless in front of the angry figure of Kagura looming over him.
"Fine! I don't care about the money, as long as I get Kyou." She turned around and tugged at Kyou sleeve. "Kyou, let's go."
"No."
Silence cut through the church. Kagura and Momiji looked at him surprised, but Haru kept a smug look on his face. Kyou sighed before continuing, "Kagura, it's nothing personal, but you freak me out, and I don't think I can handle living under the same roof as you because you annoy me constantly. I've been thinking about it forever, and I DON'T want to get married."
Kagura's mouth had gaped like a fish. She finally gained some composer and sense. "Why," she whispered.
"Didn't I just tell you!" Kyou said, becoming more emotional. "You're a good girl, and you can find somebody else who actually loves you to want to have your children. I don't."
"But if you're thinking about having children, then why would you go with Haru! He's a guy, and a punk! It's not natural!" Tears were starting to well in her eyes. She knew it was a lost cause.
"It's because I love him" Kyou smiled warmly. The spectators to the side started to gag. "SHUT UP!" Kyou yelled at them. He looked back to Kagura. "You'll realize sooner or later that you never really loved me that deeply. The way you act, it's more like an obsessive crush. When you grow, you'll get over it. Besides, I don't want to get married then have a divorce."
Ayame made sure to get a close up at this. His camera was focused on the teary face of Kagura. She sniffled, before wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. There was silence, in which Kyou stood perfectly still for a response, then Kagura kicked him between the legs. His face distorted in pain as he crippled to the ground.
"Just don't think I'd forget how much I love you, Kyou." She smirked, "We all love you. This is the weirdest family, but it's probably going to be better if the cat is happy. I just wanted to make you happy, and I thought being with me would do that, but I guess it's up to Haru." She shot a playful glare at Haru. Black Haru flipped her the bird. How inappropriate! She stuck her tongue out at him. He wanted to yank it out her mouth.
"Yay!" Momiji hopped and hugged everyone on the alter. Kyou stood up groaning.
"Stop." A voice that hadn't spoken before interrupted. Akito walked to the alter with Hatori. The smile on his face made Kyou shudder. He was going to ruin the whole thing like usual, the bastard. "I want to say congratulations." That shocked the family, definitely.
"W-what?" Kyou would have fallen down in astonishment, but Haru supported him.
"It seems I was right that you two would get together, so I win the bet the with Hatori-san," he sneered. Everyone sweat-dropped. "And now that you two are together, you can leave the main house, Haru. But if you get married, you will never see this family again and I'll make sure to make your lives a living hell. Do you understand?"
Kyou couldn't believe how casual this bastard was being, He looked up at Haru, who's arm was slung across his shoulders.
"No problem, Kyou," he said to ease the worried expression on his lover's face. "We just can't get married, big deal!" Kyou punched him, but he was grateful that he and Haru wouldn't be parted.
"You may kiss the bride," said the priest. Where did he come from?
Kyou looked at Haru, who looked back. "You better not think I'm the bride," snarled Kyou. Haru chuckled and brought their lips together. "Then I'll be your bride. I'll dress up in the proper attire when we get home," Haru whispered. The mental picture of the young man in a dress scared Kyou.
"C'mon!" Shigure walked up with Ayame Yuki, Tohru, Hiro, Kisa, Rin, and Ritsu. "Let's start the celebration!" He grabbed a microphone just like Ayame and they both linked arms, starting to sing "I'm a Believer" by Smashmouth. And with much convincing from Kisa, Hiro put on the Shrek costume. His face turned awfully red. The family and the guests threw rice, congratulated Kyou and Haru, and danced, drinking sake.
"This is a really dumb way to end one's wedding. And it's MY wedding," Kyou groaned.
"Just wait till the honeymoon," Black Haru sneered.
FIN
Story: Oh my, I've decided to right a short humor story about what would happen if Kagura was about to marry Kyou, but Haru objected...in STYLE! And Ayame videotaped all of it. (And it's late right now, so if the story is going no where, I'm too tired to care.)
Warning: Well, if you hate shounen-ai, that's sad. But it's funny. Kagura isn't a favorite, but I won't try to hurt her in the fic that much. Maybe only emotionally. Oh, and I don't have a grammar checker beta reader or whatnot, but I'll try to correct this.
Inspired by the picture I saw of Kagura torturing Kyou. sob He looks like he's in so much pain.
PG? Maybe PG-13 1/2
'I pray, if you get me out of this, Lord, I swear I won't throw away another leek, I won't ridicule Tohru, I won't tease Momiji, I won't spit in Shigure's tea, I'll try to say something nice to Yuki, I'll get Hatori new bedpans and help out all the weak in the hospitals, I'll take Hiro, Kisa, and every brat to the zoo, and I'll let Haru beat me once."
He said his Amens, but it was a little too late for that because his bride walked up to the alter, a conniving smirk ruining her innocent face. Kyou mentally rolled his eyes and groaned. He didn't want to actually move or make a sound right now because he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.
He wouldn't be here right now, in a church-- MARRIAGE church-- standing on this alter, being perfectly still, not complaining or causing damage, in an itchy tuxedo, getting married to Kagura... if it wasn't for the stinkin' family.! 'I swear, they're all against me,' Kyou seethed. Akito did have them engaged all those years. But he probably did it to get Kagura to leave sooner, while tormenting the one he hated-- the cat-- into something he'd never agree too. Definitely never agree to this. That bastard.
Kagura was an okay girl to Kyou-- if she didn't cause so much damage to his insides and kick his ass most of the time. Why couldn't she just stop being loud and annoying? It was worse than having Tohru cook leeks or Haru's black side going through his yaoi manga. If God listened to his prays, he'd make it up to both of them. God, he loved them, not Kagura! But right now, he was going to get married to THIS girl!
Ayame and Shigure were seated in the front seats to his left. They appeared to be crying for joy, but if you looked closely you could see they were really crying from laughing so hard at Kyou's misery. Ayame was making sure to videotape this wedding, so Kyou didn't want to look directly at the camera or he'd be forced to flip them the bird. Yuki and Tohru were sitting by them. A smile of true happiness was on Tohru's genuine face, while Yuki sneered, trying to hold laughter in. Behind them was Hiro who had help from Momiji holding up a huge banner written "I feel sorry for you!" across it. Kyou couldn't blame the brats. Hatori was there trying not to sit by Ayame and Shigure. Kisa, and Ritsu (oddly) were Kagura's bride's maids, while Haru had been his best man, but the cow hadn't shown up yet. Even Akito and Rin were here, much to his disappointment. But... where was Haru?
He must have gotten lost trying to find the church.
The redhead stood at the alter, almost stiff and rigid as a hard-on he'd get from looking at Haru's well soaked body after a good shower. Speaking of Haru naked...
But now was not time for those disturbing thoughts. The old, balding, priest guy was not far from the part about making THE vow Kyou would have to make soon.
"...Through sickness, and in health..."
Man that old guy could talk fast! It seemed as only seconds ago Kagura was walking up the aisle. Maybe she ran...she sort of seemed she wanted to get this over with, and Kyou feared the reason why she was so eager to get away from everyone but himself after this.
"I do!" Kagura chirped, and she looked to her soon-to-be husband expectantly.
Before Kyou could think, the words that came out of his mouth shocked even him. "I do." It was monotone and very depressed. He couldn't help it. Marrying Kagura had it's benefits, probably. He could have children, pray they won't live a life like this, start a dojo or whatnot, and be as far away as possible from this family.
Damn him. This priest was going to ruin his future! If by any chance the geezer could've been assassinated by some crook on the way to this church, Kyo would be happy. Maybe that was harsh, but Kyou started imagining ninjas and the whole-ass-kicking heroes you see in anime beating up this man, because Kyou was in serious need of help-- RIGHT NOW!
'Somebody save me...' Kyou moaned aloud, and Kagura looked at him suspiciously before grinning, 'Kyou-chan seems to be thinking about our honeymoon... how sweet!' She flushed as the ecchi thoughts clouded her mind, dirty enough for God to want to come down there himself and kick her out of his church. Too bad, because God was taking a break in the lavatory--- RIGHT NOW.
'Why is everyone else busy doing something 'RIGHT NOW' when they should be saving me!' Kyou wanted to slap the hell out of Kagura because she was looking at him funny. She was starting to drool on her dress. Yuck.
"If there is anyone..." 'Oh, no!' thought Kyou.
"...who objects to this..." 'Almost there till the yucky kiss...'
"...let them speak..." 'Shit!'
"...now..." Tears were welling in his eyes.
"...or forever hold..." 'This is it...'
"...his--"
"Oh my God!" Some random person Kyou didn't even now that was in the audience jumped out of her seat. More girls and ladies did the same, staring past Kyou, Kagura and the priest, to the stained glass window behind them. He looked outside and what he saw baffled him.
No wonder the girls were screaming and pointing. Outside was a man in a costume that looked like a giant booger, hanging an a cord and being lowered by a helicopter. Kyou didn't know why he didn't hear the noise of the helicopter earlier. He was probably too busy focusing on the words coming out of the geezer priest's mouth. But there WAS a man on that single rope, and he leapt off...
...and through the church's window, crashing onto the ground and rolling between the priest and Kyou. The stranger's body laid motionless, and he could sworn the face looked familiar--
"Haru!" Kyou shouted. He knelt to Haru and tried to help his cousin up. What got in the way was the big costume Haru was wearing that made him look like a green wart. Made him look absolutely fat.
"Lord have mercy," muttered the priest has he did the sign of the cross.
"Are you okay, Haru?" Kyou couldn't help his concern as he brushed away Haru's perfect hair from his pale face. He could sense murderous vibes coming from Kagura, though. Everyone else was shocked that someone came crashing through the wedding. The priest took out a joint and entertained himself.
"Why is Haru-kun wearing a costume from Shrek?" Ritsu asked Kisa, who just shrugged in response. The young girl was astonished that Haru would actually interrupt this marriage. When he didn't come, she'd suspected he was too sad to make it. She didn't think he'd make an entrance so dramatically. That just showed how much the cow loved the cat. But this was embarrassing! Haru was unconscious and Kyou tried to revive him.
That when the ox's eyes shot open, darting around them room. He slowly sat up in Kyou's arms and looked around the room full of anxious faces, to the priest, then at Kyou, and smiled. He playfully flicked his tongue across his cousin's lips and asked, "Am I too late?"
"Haru, that's the dumbest question you could ask." Kyou shook his head. The younger man jumped out of his arms and started shoving the costume off.
"Strip!" A girl shouted. After that, all the other girls started chanting the same mantra, while whooping and clapping their hands. Where had these people come from? Did Shigure and Ayame invite them? Kyou saw the priest fall down in bliss, the pervert.
Under the Shrek costume, Haru was dressed as Kyou was. His tuxedo was red, though, and he wore converse and sunglasses with red tint. He smirked at the crowd, and they swooned. Now Kyou really rolled his eyes.
"I've come to take my baby home!" Haru yelled into a microphone that Kyou couldn't understand how it appeared in his hand to begin with. "But first, I'd like to say why! I love you, Kyou!" He dropped the mike and started hip hop dancing, right there and then on the alter, in front of the fangirls, the priest, and God. God liked it, though.
"Haru," Kagura screeched, "you are ruining my wedding!" She picked up the discarded microphone and promptly smacked Haru on top of the head with it. Her face was flushed and she panted with each breath. "You can't just come in here! Kyou said 'I do', and we love each other! We're about to finish getting married, so just sit back and watch!" She pointed a finger at the empty seat by Yuki, who sweat dropped.
Haru slowly rose from the ground, his face calm with a smile and he said, "I can't do that. I can't let Kyou do something he'll regret."
"The only thing he regretted was ever dating a queer!"
Gasps rose from the crowd. Ayame was eagerly videotaping all of this. It wasn't everyday a young relative came to his cousin's wedding dressed as Shrek, admitted a gay affair, danced, and then looked ready to commit murder to his boyfriend's future wife. He could sell this tape to someone. (AN: I know I'd buy it.)
"She got him bad," whispered Hiro to Momiji, who nodded in agreement. But it was poor Kagura who was really going to end up in a bad condition.
"Hey, biyotch," sneered Black Haru. He strode over to Kagura, dangerously close and moved lower until both their eyes were at the same level, or at least Kagura tried to appear taller on her tiptoes, but Haru held his chin up high, smugly. A glaring contest started. Kyou was getting annoyed by his cousins already. He rested his hands on his hips and tapped his foot in an impatient manner. The audience continued watching, holding their breaths.
"Haru," Kagura muttered, "just give it up. There's no way Kyou will abandon me for you."
"First," Black Haru slurred in a low voice, "he just happens to find me more attractive than you. Why do you think he pays more attention to me? And whenever he's around you, he looks like he needs to run to the bathroom." He knocked her forehead with his.
"Hey! I may beat him up most of the time, but that's because my love for Kyou is so strong... I can't hold it in me! He's everything to me. I played with him while we were kids, too! So our bond is greater!" She pulled her face back and stuck out her tongue.
"Same here, sister!" Black Haru yelled angrily in triumph. "He took me to the bathroom-- HOLDING my hand--- while we were kids! And I turn black around him because my emotions are greater! So ha ha!"
"Well," Kagura offhandedly said, "your emotions aren't great enough to ever beat him."
Black Haru stepped back and contemplated this. Well, maybe because he was younger he could never beat Kyou in one match. That could be a lame excuse. He knew for sure he could beat the kitty in their own sexual activities.
"Fine." His voiced rumbled. "We'll have a contest to see who can win Kyou."
"Hey!" Kyou yelled. "I'm not something you can just win!"
"SHUT UP!" Kagura and Black Haru yelled in unison. Kyou balled his fists and tried to prevent himself from pouncing on Black Haru. He knew he couldn't beat Kagura. He sighed.
"But what should this competition be?" Kagura murmured.
"How about we'll transform, see who's the bigger animal, then--"
"You cheater! We'll try something you won't have an advantage in." Both Kagura and Black Haru shot glares at each other. Kisa and Ritsu had moved far away to avoid any flying object. Then a voice piped up.
"How about you both confess your love to Kyou?" Tohru sat there timidly when she gave her suggestion.
"Miss Honda, they both were saying that earlier." 'Or at least were fighting.' Yuki thought.
"Hey! How about a contest to see who can make the best puppy eyes?" Momiji stood up in his seat, and demonstrated the perfect, sparkling, honey- colored puppy-dog eyes with extra tears thrown into the mix.
"Oh please," Black Haru blew a raspberry. "That's like begging. I don't do that."
"I guess I'll win Kyou then." Kagura ran to Kyou and her eyes bugged widely. She made them teary, added whimpering noises and sniffles, and then they became what Kyou thought they were-- damn scary. "Kyou," Kagura clasped her hands in front of her, and got down to her knees. "You can't possibly refuse me! I'll be the only girl good enough for you! I'll love you, cook for you, wash your clothes, clean the house, give you massages--" Before she could drag on, Black Haru pushed her out of the way.
"The only one so much as touches Kyou will be me. Ne, Kyou?" He looked at Kyou with narrowed eyes that promised a lot of pain if he said 'no'. The cat gulped and shivered as a hand slid to the back of his neck and another gripped his waist. Black Haru's smirk made him nervous, especially as he leaned in with his hot mouth whispering into his ear. "I'll give you all the back rubs and rubs anywhere else, plus I'll let you be on top anytime you like." He chuckled, his smooth voice ringing through the cat's ears while he nipped on the lobe.
"Are you getting this, Aya?" Shigure looked to Ayame.
"Yup," answered the snake has he zoomed in on Black Haru spanking Kyou's rear end.
"Alright, that's enough!" Kagura pulled Kyou and Haru apart. She turned to Kyou, grabbing his shoulders with both hands as he flinched. "Kyou, my love, lets just get married! Everything was going so well until he came!" She pointed a finger at Haru, who was standing impatiently and watching. "Please! This is my dream to get married to you! The family even expects it and you agreed to it! So why change your mind?" Kyou opened his mouth to protest 'I didn't agree to this. I didn't have any say on it,' when Haru stepped up to him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Your love?" His calm and white side said, "It's obvious Kyou doesn't want to be pushed by you, Kagura, into something he wouldn't like. I say we settle this in another manner..." He picked up the microphone and Black Haru sneered. "Karaoke battle, baby!"
The audience cheered. The Sohma family, including Kyou and Kagura, sweat- dropped. Then everyone's eyes bugged out of their sockets when Black Haru stripped out of his tuxedo and wore a black body suit decorated with chains, zippers, and revealing rips along his abdomen with knee high boots. He bowed to the fan girls, who squealed, jumped, pounded, and roared in the room. And bowing gave Kyou a shot of his taught buttocks.
"That's no fair! I won the puppy-eyed contest!" Kagura went up to Black Haru and spun him around to face her. The dark side just grinned and handed her the microphone.
"I'll let you go first then. Always save the best for last."
"No! I'm going after you! I went first last time," Kagura said. Black Haru rolled his eyes.
He walked over to a stereo that just happened to be in the church, and cranked up the bass. After he chose his song, he tapped his foot to the rhythm and licked the mike seductively. The fan girls ran up to the front of the altar and formed a cheering crowd.
"These girls are in the way! We have to do something, Aya!" Shigure pouted.
"Don't worry, sexy. I've go it covered." Ayame climbed onto Shigure's shoulders and held the camera high above the girls' heads.
"Oh, isn't this exciting," piped Tohru. "Haru's going to sing! His voice is very good." Yuki nodded just to be nice. Momiji and Hiro held up a banner with "Go, Haru, go!" scribbled on it.
Black Haru took a deep breath and started singing "My Last Breath" by Evanescence. The slow tempo picked, then the guitars roared.
"Hold on to me love...You know I can't stay long. All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid. Oh...
"Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?"
His deep voice echoed through this great room...or because he turned up the volume. Kyou was entranced to keep listening. He watched all of Haru's movements.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself! Are all my thoughts of you, sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight."
Black Haru's movement were graceful and seductive as he danced. He immediately started:
"I'll miss the winter; a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow find me.
"I know you hear me... I can taste it in your tears!"
Kyou watched, stunned, as Haru continued singing desperately.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself. Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight..."
He trailed off to look at Kyou and blow him a kiss. Kagura fumed. She would sing a better song than this! Kyou was thinking how much he'd wish he could be in a bed with Haru.
"Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave you here! But still you wake and know the truth. No one's there!
"Say goodnight. Don't be afraid. Calling me, calling me as you fade to black!"
Finishing the song he continued yelling in a passionate voice that awed Kyou.
"Say goodnight...holding my last breath...Don't be afraid.
Safe inside myself!...Calling me.
Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight...
His voice immediately dropped low and slowly echoing.
"Holding my last breath, safe inside myself.
Are all my thoughts of you sweet raptured light?
It ends here tonight."
And the music echoed for a minute till is ended. Haru bowed politely and waved a gracious hand to his admires. They fainted happily. Kyou muttered curses out of jealously. If Haru flirted with anyone of them, he'd marry Kagura no matter how much he'd regret it. That dumb cow made his emotions all mixed up.
"It's my turn, Haru-chan." Kagura sneered as she took the microphone Haru handed to her. "This song I'm singing is more romantic, so you'll have no chance." She stuck her tongue out.
"Good luck," Haru smiled, "...not," finished Black Haru. Evil thoughts on how to sabotage her song ran through his head. Meanwhile, Kagura had looked to the song selection. "I'll choose something Japanese," she said hotly. The music to "Perfect World" by Sakamoto Chika started. It's light and beautiful tune filled the room.
"Mizu ni utsuru tsuki wo miru kara, Yurete shimau... Zujou ni aru hikari wa sore wo, Tada mite'ru dake..."
(Looking at the moon reflected in the water, I couldn't help but shake... The light overhead just looks at that...)
She hummed before continuing the next verse. This music was actually making Kyou's want to kiss... (AN: This song is beautiful. sob Nuriko!)
"Kizutsuite yowaru teoi no kemono demo--"
As if it were a record, it stopped abruptly. "Huh?" Kagura looked to the stereo and saw it unplugged. "Whoops." She blushed as she hastily put the plug back in before continuing where she left off.
"Ikiru no ka, nigeru no ka, subete jibun shidai...
(Even if an injured, weakening, wounded beast lives or runs away is all up to itself)
"Sora wa takaku! Hateshinai keredo. Hikari, dake wa, oshiminaku aru. Donna toki mo mimamotte-iru yo. Ai to, yuu na no
Perfect Wor--"
Loud static from the stereo echoed all too loud. The audience clamped their hands over their ears and shrieked.
"It's horrible," Shigure shouted.
"I bet I know who's causing this, though." Ayame smirked.
Behind the stereo, Haru held up foil to another microphone and rubbed it against it vigorously, emanating the sound through the stereo's bass. Good thing he put on ear muffs before putting the volume to full blast. He could faintly hear the scratching sound echoing throughout the church.
"Jesus!" Kyou yelled as he covered his ears. The ringing made his hairs stand up. That dumb cow was definitely causing this!
"What's happening?" Kagura was shouting into the microphone and the volume caused the stained glass windows to crack. She screamed. The glass broke apart and the shards went flying around the crowd and at the alter. People screamed, (well, the girls did, because guys don't usually scream, they just hold it in) as glass flew into their hair and some scratched their faces and hands trying to protect them. Some tripped on the glass trying to run, and ended up sitting on the shards. Ouch.
The colorful pieces that shot out toward the alter were heading straight for Kyou. He didn't have time, and instinct told him to cover himself with his thin arms. But he didn't feel anything hurt. He opened his eyes that were closed, expected to be hit with glass, and when he looked up, he saw the silhouette of Haru is front of him. Haru!? That dumb cow! He was only wearing a skimpy body suit! How could he protect him from--
But Haru's body that collapsed to the ground in exhaustion answered his question. Kyou collapsed with him as he wrapped his arms around him. "Haru!" He screamed. (AN: oh, guys do scream) He lightly shook the cow. "Haru. Please wake up." He put is hand to the strong chest affectionately. "Tell me why...why...why--" He smacked Haru across the face.
"Ow! Why'd you do that?! I saved you!" Haru grabbed his sore cheek.
"Because, you idiot, you pretended to risk your life saving me from pitiful glass when you're wearing a bullet-proof vest!" To show what he meant, Kyou irritably ripped open the top of Haru 's body suit. "You knew this was going to happen and you're acting like a clichéd fool! You ruin my wedding, harm everyone in here, hurt Kagura, and embarrass me because Ayame is videotaping this!" He pointed at the unsuspecting Ayami in front of them who waved.
"Pretend I'm not here" he said. Kyou punched him anyway.
"Kyou," Haru looked downcast with sad eyes, "I just can't let you leave me after what we've been through."
"What the hell are you talking about?! We haven't been through anything!"
"But," Haru looked up, shocked. "I read the things we could've done with each other and how much we love each other."
"Where'd you read that?!" Kyou's fangs sprouted as he yelled frantically.
"Fanfiction," Black Haru smirked. He grabbed Kyou by the back of the neck and pulled him into a kiss. It grew passionate when his tongue aggressively pushed through his lips into the redhead's mouth. It searched desperately as he ran it through the cavern of Kyou's mouth. He licked and bit the bottom lip of the shocked teen before pulling back.
Haru looked at him with a loving smile. Kyou couldn't believe this. This was getting no where!
"You jerk." He swore to Haru, who just chuckled. He brought his face closer and rested their foreheads together. "What will happen now," he muttered tiredly before yawning. He moved his head so that it rested on Haru's shoulder. "This isn't exactly romantic, and it's pretty much boring."
"Hey," Haru interjected. "I'm not boring." He stood up with Kyou. He grabbed a microphone and made sure to turn the volume down. "Okay, everyone! This marriage is officially for Kyou and Haru now--"
"Wait!" Kagura ran up to him, scratched with minor cuts. The crowd was dispersed, most unharmed, but there was still enough people watching. The family sat still. "You can't forget about me. It's my marriage! Akito paid for Kyou and I to get married!" She immediately took out a wad of cash that was stuffed in her kimono. Haru didn't know where she had kept them exactly, but he didn't care. He swiftly took the cash and shoved in into his vest.
"That's mine, you thief!" She made an attempt to grab it, but Momiji came up between them.
"Stop!" He waved his arms wide. "Please, stop fighting! Kagura, I don't think Kyou will marry you, so you shouldn't get the money." He looked helpless in front of the angry figure of Kagura looming over him.
"Fine! I don't care about the money, as long as I get Kyou." She turned around and tugged at Kyou sleeve. "Kyou, let's go."
"No."
Silence cut through the church. Kagura and Momiji looked at him surprised, but Haru kept a smug look on his face. Kyou sighed before continuing, "Kagura, it's nothing personal, but you freak me out, and I don't think I can handle living under the same roof as you because you annoy me constantly. I've been thinking about it forever, and I DON'T want to get married."
Kagura's mouth had gaped like a fish. She finally gained some composer and sense. "Why," she whispered.
"Didn't I just tell you!" Kyou said, becoming more emotional. "You're a good girl, and you can find somebody else who actually loves you to want to have your children. I don't."
"But if you're thinking about having children, then why would you go with Haru! He's a guy, and a punk! It's not natural!" Tears were starting to well in her eyes. She knew it was a lost cause.
"It's because I love him" Kyou smiled warmly. The spectators to the side started to gag. "SHUT UP!" Kyou yelled at them. He looked back to Kagura. "You'll realize sooner or later that you never really loved me that deeply. The way you act, it's more like an obsessive crush. When you grow, you'll get over it. Besides, I don't want to get married then have a divorce."
Ayame made sure to get a close up at this. His camera was focused on the teary face of Kagura. She sniffled, before wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. There was silence, in which Kyou stood perfectly still for a response, then Kagura kicked him between the legs. His face distorted in pain as he crippled to the ground.
"Just don't think I'd forget how much I love you, Kyou." She smirked, "We all love you. This is the weirdest family, but it's probably going to be better if the cat is happy. I just wanted to make you happy, and I thought being with me would do that, but I guess it's up to Haru." She shot a playful glare at Haru. Black Haru flipped her the bird. How inappropriate! She stuck her tongue out at him. He wanted to yank it out her mouth.
"Yay!" Momiji hopped and hugged everyone on the alter. Kyou stood up groaning.
"Stop." A voice that hadn't spoken before interrupted. Akito walked to the alter with Hatori. The smile on his face made Kyou shudder. He was going to ruin the whole thing like usual, the bastard. "I want to say congratulations." That shocked the family, definitely.
"W-what?" Kyou would have fallen down in astonishment, but Haru supported him.
"It seems I was right that you two would get together, so I win the bet the with Hatori-san," he sneered. Everyone sweat-dropped. "And now that you two are together, you can leave the main house, Haru. But if you get married, you will never see this family again and I'll make sure to make your lives a living hell. Do you understand?"
Kyou couldn't believe how casual this bastard was being, He looked up at Haru, who's arm was slung across his shoulders.
"No problem, Kyou," he said to ease the worried expression on his lover's face. "We just can't get married, big deal!" Kyou punched him, but he was grateful that he and Haru wouldn't be parted.
"You may kiss the bride," said the priest. Where did he come from?
Kyou looked at Haru, who looked back. "You better not think I'm the bride," snarled Kyou. Haru chuckled and brought their lips together. "Then I'll be your bride. I'll dress up in the proper attire when we get home," Haru whispered. The mental picture of the young man in a dress scared Kyou.
"C'mon!" Shigure walked up with Ayame Yuki, Tohru, Hiro, Kisa, Rin, and Ritsu. "Let's start the celebration!" He grabbed a microphone just like Ayame and they both linked arms, starting to sing "I'm a Believer" by Smashmouth. And with much convincing from Kisa, Hiro put on the Shrek costume. His face turned awfully red. The family and the guests threw rice, congratulated Kyou and Haru, and danced, drinking sake.
"This is a really dumb way to end one's wedding. And it's MY wedding," Kyou groaned.
"Just wait till the honeymoon," Black Haru sneered.
FIN