Yes, we are unstoppable! Our next little tale of humor is based upon the Weakest Link game show. Causing us deep sorrow, we own neither Gundam Wing, the characters within, the Weakest Link, or the dreadful personality of mentioned show's hostess. We only make an attempt to shine a little joy… not infringe upon anybody's copy writes. And now, for the tale!
The Weakest Link: Gundam Wing StyleGrim, grim, grim. Another one of Quatre's charity drives. He claims this will be fun, but everybody knows what's going to happen.
"Do we have to do this?" Hilde wailed. "We're just going to make fools of ourselves."
"That's exactly what I was thinking!" Heero allowed a glimmer of anger to seep threateningly to Quatre's booth.
The gundam pilots, minus Wufei (who would have nothing to do with this), were assembled at the Weakest Link studio, preparing for the dreaded hostess to appear and ravage them all with her British mockery. Ah, yes: The Weakest Link Special Edition! With special guests, the gundam pilots and close associates, Relena Peacecraft, Milliardo Peacecraft, Hilde Schrebeiker, and Dorothy Catalonia! Who will survive?
"It will be fun!" Relena winked goofily. "I'm glad I don't have to watch from the audience this time!"
Heero groaned with remembrance. He recalled Relena's impetuous cheering during his stunt on the Who Wants to be a Millionaire show. That was bad enough, but to have her sitting directly to his right… this was going to be an exceptionally long night.
"Thank you, Relena!" Quatre lifted his eyes from the panel in front of him. "I'm nervous enough without having everybody complaining." It was true. The blonde pilot looked as pale as something you might discover in a graveyard, but his winning personality prevailed. There is very little this world can do to keep Quatre Winner down.
"Well, as long as this game isn't rigged I'll be perfectly happy." Duo said. "You know I could really use the money guys."
"Yeah… what about that trip to the Bahamas you promised me?" Hilde teased. "And then you blew the first question and didn't bring any cash back." Her face turned to a sad frown. "We've gotta win this time, Duo!"
"You all are taking this so seriously." Trowa muttered. As always, an unreadable confidence hovered around the spiky-haired pilot.
"This is boring!" Milliardo aka Zechs Marquis complained. "I should be out blowing things up right now."
"So true." Heero conceded.
"I second that." Dorothy agreed wistfully. "A war would be so nice right now… hey! How about it you guys?"
The answer was unanimous. "NO!"
"Hey!" A stagehand got everybody's attention. "Get ready, you've got three minutes before filming begins."
Quatre shuddered violently. "I'm ready… I'm ready… I'm ready… I'm ready!" Where had his brave piloting exterior gone?
"You'll do fine. Just watch out for those tricky geometry questions." Duo snorted ridiculously. "I mean really!"
"I can't wait to get this over with." Heero snarled. "They have a metal detector here." Everybody had flashbacks of Heero winning a million dollars by answering questions on Millionaire with his gun. However, nobody was entirely sure anything, let alone a crazed teenager with a death wish would intimidate this host.
"I've heard that this host lady is kinda scary." Relena admitted. "Will you protect me, Heero?"
"Why are you asking him?" Zechs was startled. "I'm your brother after all!"
"Yeah, why don't you ask him?" Heero pointed hopefully.
"No! You are much more dreamy!" Relena demanded. "And I know you won't be the Weakest Link!"
"You wanna bet?" Duo chuckled. "Yeah, let's make a bet, Heero. If you get voted off before I do…"
"What?" Heero looked somewhat interested.
"You're going to dye your hair BLUE! Bwa ha ha ha! Hee hee hee hee! Ho ho ho ho!"
"Fine. And if you get voted off before I do, then you're not going to be allowed to talk for a WHOLE YEAR!"
"Gasp. You're serious? I know I can beat you though. Deal's on!"
"Duo!" Hilde screamed. "Is that wise? Remember Millionaire!"
"Filming starts in 5, 4, 3, 2…" The stagehand gestured frantically.
"And now," the announcer's voice rang across the stage into the audience, who had been filing into the auditorium steadily. "It's time for the WEAKEST LINK!"
"I hope that's the only time they plan on saying that." Hilde moaned.
"And here is your replacement host…"
Eight worried souls looked at each other. Replacement?
"Wufei Chang!!!!"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!" The response was mutual among the contestants. "!!?!?!?!?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!"
To everybody's increased despair, Wufei took his place at the podium, looking very sly and British. Okay, maybe more sly than British, but you can picture that right? "Welcome to… the WEAKEST LINK!" Uh-oh! "Let's meet our pitiful collection of contestants! Keep in mind that all but one of these players will go home with the shame and horror of being voted off the show by fellow players. But they will deserve their new titles… the WEAKEST LINK!!!!! So anyway…"
"What are you doing?" Trowa opened his eyes enough to confirm Wufei's conspicuous presence. "Shouldn't you be out blowing things up?"
"YES!" Dorothy leaped.
"Shut up foul… LINK! I hope you become thoroughly disgraced!" Wufei's response was worthy of a certain British regular on this show. "I have always thought you were incredibly… WEAK! No more interruptions… or I'll have to cast votes of my own!" The room fell silent. Wufei's control was unmistakable. "Anyway, the contestants positions have been randomly selected before the show, the first player is Relena Peacecraft, former queen of the world who ruled with utter annoyance and naivety." Relena motioned to interrupt, but Heero stopped her. Maybe he had been looking out for her all along. "And to her right, Heero Yuy, famed assassin and all around cruel person. Good traits here, folks, but will he withstand the rigors of mindless trivia? Milliardo Peacecraft, stupid name, stupid person, see you backstage after you're booted, freak. Dorothy Catalonia, all around weirdo and lover of wars… WEIRDO! Trowa Barton, were you even born with vocal cords? This circus star uses more hair spray than the o-zone layer can handle. That's why they keep him locked up in tents. Quatre Winner, probably not much of a winner, but quite rich so suck up to him now if you can take his brainless attitude. Duo Maxwell… BOOO! What a complete LOSER! This guy's a JUNK collector for heaven's sake… time to add that ridiculous hairpiece to your pile! Hilde… who would even try to pronounce your last name? And stop copying Noin's fashions you LOSER!" Wufei had to stop for breath.
Much blinking was traded among insulted guests. "I'm ready…" The horror of the situation was mind blowing.
"YOU, Quatre, are the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei shouted. A stagehand ran over nervously and Wufei glared around angrily as he whispered in his ear. "Okay fine, I'm not supposed to say that yet… BUT YOU WILL BE!"
Quatre looked utterly stunned and on the verge of tears. Trowa shook his head with pity… the rich kid wasn't going to last long.
"These weak stagehands tell me we must play a STUPID game first. The rules are: you play as links on a chain. You need to use teamwork, fatheads, or you won't get any money. You move up the chain in an effort to gain $125,000. Each correct answer will bring you closer to your goal, but an incorrect one will send you all the way back to the beginning… you'll be able to blame these occurrences on your idiotic neighbors but you'll get a chance to get back at them later. Remember that only money that has been banked will go on to the next round, which you can do by saying the word 'bank' before your question is asked."
"Can you repeat that?" Duo asked smugly.
"YOU, Maxwell, are the WEAKEST LINK!" Wufei noticed the stagehand waving his arms and sighed. "Never mind, I'll let THEM humiliate you!"
"Nice one!" Dorothy nodded at Duo.
"NOW!!" Wufei shrieked. "Let's see who is a LOSER! Let's play… the WEAKEST LINK!"
"Let the repetition begin." Duo slurred.
Intense music began playing as piercing strobe lights focused on each player. Quatre shriveled at the sight of it but held his ground. Relena made as if to leap into Heero's arms, but was greeted by his outstretched hand, rejecting her. Although she waited, his hand blocked her ideas.
"Start the clock! Relena!" Wufei called out threateningly. The trivia had begun.
Q. What major city calls itself the 'Windy City?'
A. (Relena looks genuinely confused) Chicago?
Wufei: That's correct! (The chain moves to $1,000)
Q. Heero, what is Dolomite?
A. Dynamite? TNT? Explosives? (Heero gets a peaceful expression)
Wufei: No. It's a mineral found by limestone. ($0)
Q. Milliardo, what are the names of Angelica's parents in the rugrats?
A. What? What do you mean?
Wufei: WRONG! It's Drew and Charlotte. ($0)
Q. Dorothy, in the Bible, who's name was changed to Israel?
A: It's Jacob… haha!
Wufei: That's a correct answer. ($1,000)
Q. Trowa-
Trowa: Bank. (Really bored.)
Q. Who conquered the castle of Elvas, Portugal?
A. Geraldo Geraldes.
Wufei: That's right! ($2,000)
Q. Quatre, what was the first newspaper to be owned by William Randolph Hearst, senior?
A. I'm ready!
Wufei: NOOOOOOO! STUPID DOLT! It's the San Francisco Examiner! ($1,000)
Q. Duo, what is a dodecagon?
A. (gasp) (Duo remembers the stumper handed to him on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. What shape has three equal sides? Wasn't this question kinda like that old one? He decided to guess!) A polygon with twelve sides!
Wufei: ?? (shocked) WHAT… that's right… (looks depressed) ($2,000)
Q. Hilde-
Hilde: Bank!
Q. The national anthem of Greece is how many verses long?
A. 158! (Starts jumping up and down with vigor)
Wufei: (snarl) That's correct. ($3,000)
Q. Relena, what relationship was Jesus to John the Baptist?
A. Long lost siblings? (glances at Zechs miserably)
Wufei: Well ain't that cute? But it's WRONG! Heeheehee! They were cousins! ($2,000)
Q. Heero, how many time zones are there on the Earth?
A. (does amazing mental calculations, produces a scientific calculator from his non-existent pocket and punches figures patiently, uses a black marker to make notes on his wooden podium, scratches head) …
Wufei: Make up your mind, LOSER! What is your ANSWER?
Heero: (while Wufei fumed, Heero creates a three dimensional model of the Earth and begins to draw dotted lines on it)
Duo: Heero! Just say 'pass,' so we don't lose all our time!
Heero: (draws an in-depth sketch of landscapes, complete with Japanese notes scribbled about hastily)
Wufei: … … … HURRY!
Heero: (holds up his hand as Relena tries to see what he is doing, and proceeds to open the lid on his laptop computer)
Wufei: COME ON!
Heero: (raises eyebrow) 24.
Wufei: 24 what? Oh… yeah. That's right. ($3,000)
Q. Milliardo-
Milliardo: Bank!
Q. What is the… (buzzer sound) …time's up!
Everybody sighed indignantly. Heero had taken forever on a simple question and also generally annoyed everybody. How did he carry all that junk into the place without even a pocket to speak of?
"Alright," Wufei looked pleased. "You fools have banked a ridiculous sum of $3,000. That is of course, out of a possible $125,000… but nobody was expecting much from you, anyway. Now it's time to vote off-" A cameraman zoomed in on Wufei's face dramatically. "The WEAKEST LINK! Vote!"
Reluctantly, everybody began to cast their votes. Much glancing was shared, and everybody looked at least a little suspicious of somebody else.
"And now the votes!" Wufei lifted his hand energetically. Yes, he was definitely enjoying this.
Relena: Relena… no WAIT that's ME!
Wufei looks insanely pleased. "Nope, too late, can't change your vote! HAHAHAHAH!"
Heero: Duo… (snorts as he remembers the bet that he and Duo made before the show)
Zechs: Heero. (looks at Heero with despising eyes… what does Relena see in him?)
Dorothy: Heero! Make war, not peace! (gives audience the peace sign) Have you blown up a building lately?
Trowa: Heero. (shows little regard)
Quatre: … … … (pushes the button to reveal who he voted for, but all that is seen is a delicate scribble)
Wufei: What is that supposed to say?
Quatre glanced around sheepishly. "Do we really have to be so cruel to one another? Everybody tried so hard!"
"Vote, you weakling!" Wufei leaned over his podium dangerously.
"But these people are my friends, and they would never ever vote against me! I just can't bring myself to do it!"
"Fine, that's one vote for Quatre." Wufei chuckled maniacally. Quatre looked almost satisfied.
Duo: Heero! Blue hair, blue hair, blue hair!
Hilde: Heero! I'm with you all the way, Duo!
"That's it, then!" Wufei clasped his fingers together in an evil moment. "Trowa… why did you vote for Heero? Worried he might take center stage later on?"
"No." Trowa raised his eyes. "He is statistically the most invaluable player if he wastes time like that. Regardless, it was an easy question."
"YOU!!!" Heero searched for his gun, but in vain. "I will see you after the show, Trowa."
Trowa is not amused.
"Duo," Wufei continued. "Why Heero?"
"Because he is going to look so funny with blue hair!"
"That's the only reason you picked him?"
"Of course!"
"WEIRDO!!!!" Wufei regained his composure with a bit of effort. "Heero Yuy, you ARE the WEAKEST LINK! Goodbye."
In a rage, Heero abandoned his position and marched off the stage, being careful to shoot evil looks to Trowa and Duo respectively. He also saved a certain special death stare for the host himself.
"Heero!" Relena cried. "Don't leave me!!!" In a sudden burst of inspiration, Relena darted after Heero. "We'll face this together!"
Wufei watched her go by in surprise. "Eh… well… they're BOTH THE WEAKEST LINK!!!! Goodbye." And then it was time for commercials! And… a backstage interview with the Weakest Link!
"They are all going to regret this." Heero is seen in backstage with Relena draped over him. "How dare they vote me off first? I will triumph, regardless of their stupidity!"
"Oh Heero!" Relena smiled affectionately. "It's too late now, sorry."
"You fool! They will pay! Just you wait!!!!!!!"
The remaining players conversed quietly during the break. Apparently, Duo was not satisfied with his recent victory.
"Hey Trowa!" Duo chatted. "If you get booted before me, you and me will have a nice long conversation that you have to actually contribute to. Want to make that a bet?"
"…" Trowa didn't seem to notice the American.
"Come on! You can bet something against me too, you know! It's fun!"
"Can I banish you to Siberia?" Trowa studied Duo's face icily.
"Eh? What do you mean? Why do you want to get rid of me?"
"…"
"Okay fine! It's a bet!"
"Knock it off!" Quatre raised his voice. "Stop making bets! You're creeping me out!!"
"Wanna make a bet, Quatre?" Duo chuckled.
"No! I wanna be done with this… it's freaky! It's worse than that Survivor show!"
"If I get kicked off before you do, I'll go on peace talks around the colonies!"
"Really?" Quatre's eyes widened. "That would be great!"
"But if you go first," An evil glow surrounded the pilot of death. "You have to drink an alcoholic beverage!!!"
The Psycho stab sound plays. Screams and gasps are heard. A single dissonant organ chord rings through.
"Hoo boy… really?" Quatre weighed the decision carefully. It would be extra nice to have Duo come with him on peace talks. "It's… a… bet."