Disclaimer: No, I'm not Kaori Yuki, and no, I do not own Angel Sanctuary (unfortunately) so leave me alone!

Katou. And a way too much drug in his system.

Just picture him sitting on the bedroom floor, back against the wall, high as hell and pretty much talking gibberish...

Rated R for language, drug abuse, yaoi implications and all that funny stuff…

Do Angels Do Shrooms?

You know that moment just before you wake up, when you're not sure if you're awake or just dreaming you're waking up? When you still don't feel your body, and everything around you is one big bubble. Warm and intoxicating. Like lemon scented foamy bath.
Well, I've been living in that fizz for months now. Except for those hours of mind-drilling pain and cold sweat.
When that last shot is no more working to keep manic fear in check.
I fuckin' HATE that feeling. I'd trade it for an OD anytime. Hell, I'd trade it for a stabwound. I would, swear to God.
Bleed to death.

Funny how things always smell like lemon when I'm stoned…It's a fuckin' charade honestly. My bed smells like lemon. Kira-sempai smells like lemon. Even that public toilet down the street smells like lemon.
I should know. I've spent night in that shithole more than once.

I love that scent…lemon. Clean.
Fresh.
Ha, did I just use the word ''clean''? So fuckin' ironic. I mean look at this place. Stinking cesspool.
And my life. Such a goddamn mess. Last month Kira was in a 'peace, love and all that crap' mood so he really made an effort to sort out my shit only to stick his hand in a slimy jellylike mass of a questionable origin. He went ballistic and stormed out. Guess that finally put an end to that prissy, off-the-wall hippie faze he was going through. Thank heavens for that! He drove me mad. MAD. One more day and I would've cracked and shot him. Or at least yelled at him. I suffer too you know. Anyways, he came back some days later with a ''Civic Amenity Point'' metal plate to pin on my wall. You're guessing…I had to look up the dictionary. So he thinks I'm fit for garbage dump. Yeah, so? Like I give a rat's ass what he thinks. Besides, I know I'm good for nothing. I don't need others to tell me the obvious.
You know what? What's done it's done. I don't feel like changing things right now. Tomorrow I just might, but not today. Tonight I mean. I'm in a deep shit as it is. I hope I can get Youji to spare me a couple of Xs. Just to pull me through the day.
I'll pay him goddammit. And for the last time too. I will. I just have to get some money first.

Fuck! This shit is evil! I so feel like running right now. I think I'll just go outside.
So what if it's night? Spumy lemony blear night.
This is awesome! Running free…
Eat that, you suckers!
Ladies and Gentlemen, you're looking at a now world record!
I don't think I ever reached the front door.
Hell, I didn't even get up from the damn floor at all.
What is this stuff I took anyway? It's been working shit on me.

Wait…
Is that you ne-san? Are you crying? It's me isn't it? I made you cry. I hate when this happens. When there's no one there. No face, no nothing… Just voices. Deceiving you into thinking that you can still change things, that it's not too late… Before you realize they're real only in your head. That's when it hurts the most.
Family. Another major irony.
I did have one, didn't I? I guess it depends on what you think family is. Blood relatives…or someone who's trying to help you keep your head on your shoulders? Cos I'd say Kira is the only family I have right now. For how long? No telling there.
It doesn't matter. We're all alone in the end anyway.
I wonder if I could slow down my heartbeats. If I focus. If I could concentrate on them.
thump

thump

it's working

another one

slower
Nothing.
I don't feel them anymore. I don't feel anything. Nada. Niente. Nichts. Nanimo.
Have I died?
Is this Heaven? Hell? Where am I?
Hum… No, it's not Heaven. And don't ask me how I know that, I just do someway. I guess people expect to see flower valleys and gurgling springs up there. And everyone smiling and dancing to some godly music. Right, like that would happen.
I mean, come on! Do you expect God to entertain you! Do you think angels will play harp and sing for you? Are you so damn sure you'll never wish to leave? To be somewhere else? Anywhere? Do you honestly believe you'll ever climb up to be anything more than a tool?
And losing a pawn isn't worth crying for. Don't know… doesn't seem worth the sacrifice to me…
You know, I'd still like to take a peep. To see what's it like. Just looking, not buying. Like when they give you a test ride when you're buying a car.
Pretty much the same goes for Hell.
I don't know. If I were to go to Heaven, man would I feel like the biggest hypocrite ever or what. Not that I should worry about ending up there. Face it Yue, you haven't really been a saint for that matter. Haha, saint Katou! Imagine that! The mother of all jokes. I'd be a laughing stock of both Heaven and Hell.
On the other hand, maybe they would let me smoke pot in Heaven. You never know.
Tell me. Do angels do shrooms?
With all this shit they pull off I can't think of any other explanation…

As you can already guess, they labelled me ''discrepant''. Tada! Like that's a news. Heaven can't be bothered with me. Not even Hell will take me. An ''outsider'', every way you turn it.
You know what they do to people like me?
They leave us hanging in between. They wash their hands from us.

Purgatory.
This is it then. Neutral zone. No speed, no acid, no booze. Not even pot.
Withdrawal. Simple as that. Painful as fuck though. I wasn't joking, I WOULD rather have my guts spilt all over some backstreet wall. Only to go through the same shit I tried to avoid in the first place.
Bloody IRONY again.

And what if I do it? If I pull through that shit? What would it mean?
Atonement?
Purity?
What annuls a sin? Fully? Other people saying that they forgive you? No, I'm talking plain bullshit now; do you think it's about others ACTUALLY FORGIVING you? Wouldn't you just LOVE to say ''yes''? And believe that what you're saying is dead right?
Well, I can't. And let's cut the crap, neither can you. Cause it's about YOU forgiving YOURSELF. That's the tricky part. That fucks us all up.

I don't want to go to Heaven. Nor Hell. I don't want to stay here. To die.
I can't die.
Is it possible to die if you haven't lived? Not really lived. Maybe we truly die the second we are born. For all that I know it could just as well be the other way around. What's that poshy, foreign term for that? Vice versa? Right.
See, I did pay attention in school. Sort of. Once.
Where was I? Aah, yeah, you know how people always talk about the ''gift'' of life? Call me a fuck-up but hell does that freak me out or what! Dammit, how stupid you have to be to call it a ''gift''? I bet the Man above is laughing his head off watching us praising it when we should be crying. It's like blessing the judge for putting you behind bars. And then calling for extra twenty!
Punishment. Now that's more likely.

If I were to kick the bucket now how many people would actually miss me?
Hell, who would even notice I'm gone?
No one. Not a single soul. Except Kira…maybe. Just maybe. He would probably miss having my tongue working on his cock. That's if he wouldn't jump into Setsuna's pants instead. He wanted to fuck that boy from the day one. He still does.
Not that he ever tried to hide it. Not that I ever gave a damn.
You think I should have? He was fucking me after all. He still fucks me. In between. You think I should've given him a hard time about that?
Throw a crushing ''you-don't-give-a-fuck-about-me-you-just-want-me-on-my-knees'' stage show? That would be fun, now wouldn't it?
Naah… I never cared enough to begin with. It's all about getting laid to me really. I imagine that's from being high 24/7; you stop thinking, you're just needing. Drugs, sex, cash, whatever. And that goes for Kira as well, since he can't have what he actually wants.
Sempai. He's all right. I guess. A major pain in the ass now and then, and I mean that more than just literally, but all right. A friend. Whatever that means.

This is freaky… the room is getting darker. Shouldn't it be dawn by now? What time is it anyway? Where's my wristwatch! What the fuck…! No, not now, panic attack, coming on. Bloody hell! Think straight you moron, you've been there, you know the drill: stop hyperventilating, hold your breath! Good. Calm down, no one's here to get you…
… OK, you can start breathing now. Hello, brain! NOW would be a nice time to switch respiration centre on. Oh fuck, just remember to breathe again…
Huh, that was close. All this over a damn watch, you bleedin' dimwit! Fuckin' visual hallucinations! They can turn you in an edgy cub in no time. Wish I hadn't sold the bloody thing. Even with the fact that I got for it more than I hoped I would. I remember spending it on some really nasty shit. I don't have a bit of a clue what happened later on, save from the floating. All I recall is waking up in Kira's arms. Apparently I was high for days. But then I was sick for days. Kira looked after me round the clock.
Isn't that what friends are for - to hold your head while you're vomiting?

I'm having this odd feeling I'm being cuffed. I'm not falling for the same trick twice. A word of an advice - if you ignore it for long enough it'll go away. Sooner or later.
Oi! That hurt! I guess it's for real this time. Hell, I'm opening my eyes. I am. I'm sick of this.
Aaah. Kira-sempai.
Like it could be anyone else. Except for cops. Or Youji. Which reminds me, I have to pay that bastard back. Someone should kill that sick fuck.

-Kira, mate, what's with double Dutch? Been on drinking spree again?

Oh, God, it's me who's not functional. Right. Amazing how sometimes it can be so fuckin' hard to simply listen. Now…good. Sounds he produces are finally starting to make some sense.

-Katou-kun? You OK? Get a grip man. Time to go.

I bet my ass he's talking about school. He always is when he starts that ''pull yourself together'' prattle. And I was convinced to death it was a friggin' Saturday.
Fuckin' brilliant.

Oh, fuck me! It's sub-zero outside. Why the hell did I let him sweet-talk me into this shit? I could have stayed in bed. It may be dirty, but it's warm. Stench never killed anyone. Cold did.

You know, all that talk how doing drugs is like walking in some ever-repeating circles and stuff is just a load of shit. Ever-repeating, sure. But circles? Not on your life. It's a fuckin' whirlwind! Lifts you high up only to slam you back down. Runs through you and leaves havoc.
Tornado.
But then you want more.

-Kira? You think you could spare me some cash? Youji's been after me these days.

He nodded.
Saved my ass again.
One day he might say ''no''…

Weird?
A way too weird:))