Disclaimer: Not mine.
Rating: G
Classification: SJ established relationship, angst, romance
Spoilers: None but set in future series
Sequel to Ask Me, Taking it slow, Here and Now and Honey.
Summary: It's 10 years after Charlie died and Jack gets to face his past with Sara.
A/N: Well, it seems my muse likes this series. I'm still not a fan of established relationship fics but the muse is proving to not care about what I like or not. I might still write a sequel to go right after Honey but for now this was asking to be written. I hope you enjoy it.
Any feedback would be welcomed as I'm curious whether or not people are interested in this kind of series. Also, I'm still looking for a title for the whole series!
Huge big thanks to chiroho and splash_the_cat for the beta.
~~~~~~~
His past was currently standing face to face with his future. His old love, looking into the eyes of his new.
He cursed inwardly for lingering in the shower. If only he'd gotten ready sooner, this wouldn't have happened. It wasn't that Sara didn't know about Sam, but there was a huge difference between knowing something and being faced with it.
Sara stood in the doorway, looking as if she might bolt at any second.
"Hi, I'm..." He smiled at her courage as the scene unfolding in front of him kept him standing halfway down the stairs.
"Sara." Sam finished for her. He knew she was giving his ex a reassuring smile, even though her back was towards him.
"Yeah, you must be Sam." Sara's smile was slightly forced, but not as bitter as it could have been.
Sam nodded and stood back. "Please come in."
Jack knew Sara would notice him standing there when she entered, so he quickly came down the last few steps. "Sara, hi. Sorry, I was still in the shower." He motioned needlessly toward his still moist hair.
"You're gonna drown yourself one of these days," Sara teased, still familiar with his quirks.
In the corner of his eye he saw Sam bite her lip; she had made the same remark only yesterday morning. He had to squash the urge to reach for her, not wanting to make Sara even more uncomfortable. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all, but it wasn't his. He had offered to come pick her up, but Sara had to be somewhere for work and decided she would drive over to get him instead.
"Yeah, you know me." Jack shrugged it off sheepishly, and his eyes met Sam's for a second. She'll be alright, he told himself quietly.
Sara nodded and her gaze flickered towards the chairs, as if considering whether she should sit down.
"Do you want something to drink before you go?" Sam had picked up on it as well.
Sara looked at him, and he made the decision for both of them. "No, we should probably just go." As hard as it sounded, this was their day, his past didn't have any room for Sam. He knew she understood that, but it didn't make it any easier on either of them.
Sam nodded in understanding and he turned his attention back to Sara. "Ready?"
Sara nodded and Jack followed her out the door. Sara continued toward her car, not turning around to see if he was still with her - he assumed to give him a moment to say goodbye to Sam, who now stood behind him.
He turned back to her and brushed his fingers over the palm of her hand. She smiled ruefully and squeezed his hand, not asking any of the questions that he didn't know how to answer anyway.
"I might be late," he whispered. "Have a nice day." He leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.
Sam bit her lip and nodded. "Janet wants to go shopping," she explained softly, but he knew she wasn't going to leave the house. He lingered for a moment before slipping his hand from hers and heading to the car.
As Sara pulled the car unto the road, he saw Sam still standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped tightly around her against the cold.
Wordlessly, Sara drove towards the cemetery. For ten years now, they'd repeated this ceremony. They'd go to Charlie's grave, talk to him, head down to the coffee house just outside of town, and talk about their days together. Only this time things would be different; he was different.
"She seems nice." Sara broke the silence and it took him a moment to realise she was talking about Sam.
"She is."
Sara nodded and fell silent again.
He groaned. He didn't know what else to day. Sam's presence in his life was making this tradition a lot more complicated. "This is awkward."
Sara shook her head. "Why? Because you've finally moved on?"
"No!" He protested, wondering if he had moved on at all. Part of him probably never would.
"Jack, there's nothing wrong with moving on." Sara sighed.
"Have you?" The question slipped out before he could consider whether he wanted to hear the answer.
She regarded him for a second, frowning thoughtfully. "From you? Yes." She answered softly.
It wasn't supposed to hurt, but it did anyway. "There's someone else?"
"Perhaps. We're taking things slow." She laughed as she saw the reservation in his eyes. "What? You thought I would pine over you for the rest of my life?"
Jack snorted. "No, I guess not."
She slipped the car into a parking space close to the gates to the cemetery and shut off the engine. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done; losing Charlie and getting over you. Sometimes I wish things had gone differently but..." She sighed. "There's no point really. What we had, it's gone. We allowed it to be buried together with our son." Her eyes were glistening with tears. "I tried to deny it for a long time, Jack. But we were fooling ourselves."
"Sara..." His voice broke on her name but she shook her head, not allowing him to interrupt.
"No, Jack. Don't deny it. Don't make the past into something it wasn't." She licked her lips and turned away, staring at the green hedge that surrounded the cemetery. She took a deep breath to calm herself and it was all he could do not to reach for her. "Don't shut her out like you did with me." She looked at him again, offering what he supposed was an encouraging smile.
"She'd kick my ass." Samantha Carter definitely had him whipped.
Sara laughed. "I should have kicked your ass back then." She looked down at her hands and a tear slid over her cheek.
"No, don't say that." He moved closer and covered her hands with his. "I was a jerk. I shouldn't have pushed you away."
She took his hands in hers and smiled sadly up at him. "No, you shouldn't have. We both made mistakes, Jack. Too many. There were a lot of things we should and could have done, but we didn't. I sometimes wonder if we would have stayed together even if Charlie didn't die."
He swallowed, not sure how to handle that idea. "I guess we'll never know."
"No, we won't. But we've got a second chance, Jack. Not a lot of people can say that. Don't screw it up. Any woman capable of kicking Jack O'Neill's ass must be worth holding on to." She smiled sadly at him, but he was relieved to not find any blame or bitterness in her eyes.
"Tell your boyfriend he's one lucky man, and if he hurts you I'll kick his ass." He smirked, and grinned as Sara laughed.
"I'll make sure I do." She snickered and squeezed his hands a final time before letting go. "Come on, Charlie's waiting..."
*****
Sam stared idly out of the window, trying to see past the reflection of the living room and into the darkness beyond. The magazine she held started to slip from her lap and she caught it just in time to prevent it from tumbling to the carpet. Jack had told her he might be home late, but she couldn't stop worrying. The whole house was cleaner than it had ever been since she semi-moved in, and she expected Jack hadn't seen it this clean either.
The sound of an engine pulled her out of her reverie, and she listened intently. The motor kept running and Sam wondered what kind of conversation was taking place between Jack and Sara.
She couldn't help but feel awkward at them being out the whole day. It wasn't that she didn't trust Jack, she knew his relationship with Sara was in the past. But the only reason she ever had a chance of being with him was because of his son's death, and that didn't sit well with her.
The sound of the engine faded and a few seconds later she heard a key slide into the look. Grabbing her magazine, she acted like she was totally engrossed in an article about... how to maintain the greenest lawn in the street. She wondered why the hell Jack bought these magazines anyway. It wasn't like they had any time to garden.
She didn't have to look up to know that he was watching her from the door. Deciding to leave it up to him, Sam kept up the pretence of reading. When he remained quiet for a long time, she started to get nervous. She was about to greet him when he finally spoke up.
"I'm gonna take a shower," his voice was soft, and she tore her eyes away from the article.
His expression was unreadable and she felt something inside her chest tighten.
"Okay," she nodded, not insulting him by pretending she hadn't noticed he was there before.
He slowly turned around and headed to the stairs. Sitting down on the lower steps, he loosened up his boots, then kicked them off.
Sam leaned over the back of the couch and watched him as he stood up again.
"Did you have dinner?" She asked. He seemed to be miles away, the question taking a while to seep in.
He eventually shook his head. "No."
"I saved you some macaroni and cheese," she told him. It was the only food she was capable of making but Jack seemed to like it. "Should I heat it up for you?"
He frowned; she could see the no forming when he suddenly forced a smile and nodded. "That'd be nice, thanks."
Sam sighed as he headed up the stairs. She listened to the sounds of Jack moving around upstairs. The shower started running, and forcing herself not to over think his mood, she pushed herself off the chair and headed into the kitchen to heat up his dinner.
By the time Jack got downstairs again, a hot plate of macaroni stood steaming on the kitchen table.
"Thanks." He placed a kiss on her forehead, the gesture more out of routine than anything else.
Sam watched him sit down and dig in. The macaroni was going down easily, and she was glad she'd made a bit more than usual. He looked more like a kid right now than like her lover. The term still made her feel strange, but they were both too old for her to regard him as a boyfriend.
"This is great," Jack commented between bites. He was trying to show her in his clumsy way that he appreciated her. She knew him too well by now not to notice it; she also knew part of it was out of guilt.
"Glad you like it." She answered softly and moved to stand beside him, absently reaching out and running her fingers lovingly through his hair. She loved the feel of the short strands against her skin.
Jack grinned at her and leaned into her hand, and part of her unease slipping away.
Smiling, Sam pressed a kiss on the top of his head. "I'll go finish reading that article." Maybe he just needed some time to get back into the present again.
She was about to go back into the living room when Jack caught her wrist and pulled her back. "Stay," he pleaded and gently pulled her on his lap.
Sam smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulder to steady herself. "You can't eat like this." She protested.
"I'm full anyway." His arms wrapped securely around her waist and buried his face against her neck.
They sat like that for a while. She could feel his breath washing over her skin and his arms tightened around her. Once again stroking his hair, she rested her cheek on his head. "Jack?" She whispered, and his arms pulled her even closer. His legs had to be falling asleep.
"Jack," she tried again, getting more concerned.
"I'll be alright," came his muffled reply, but he didn't move.
Sam just held on to him, deciding to let him talk when he felt like it. It took a while before he finally pulled back just a little. Their faces were nearly touching as their eyes met. She'd never seen so much sorrow in his, and gently cupped his cheek.
He seemed grateful for the touch and leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.
He surprised her when he started to speak softly, as if he wanted to keep this secret from the whole world. "When Charlie died, it was like my whole world collapsed. Him and Sara, they were all that mattered to me. When I'd get home from a mission they'd be there, and it was like all the things I saw and had to do were in a different world."
He swallowed and closed his eyes. Sam thought he would stop talking, but somehow he found the courage to continue. "When Charlie died... he took a part of me with him. I blamed myself, and Sara blamed me too. We stopped talking. It couldn't end up any other way than it did." He sighed and looked down.
"Jack," Sam gently lifted his head, looking into his eyes. "It's okay."
He shook his head. "I never thought I would be able to get over that. Losing your child, it's..." He paused, and Sam could see him finish the sentence in his mind. "But I did. It seems like a different lifetime now. I miss him, Sam. I miss him so much. But if it hadn't happened, we wouldn't have met and... I have a life again, I'm happy with you and that..." He shook his head wearily.
Sam felt Jack start to get up and quickly pushed down on his shoulders. "I know." She pressed a finger against his lips when he started to object. "I know you feel guilty. And sometimes I wish that I could get Charlie back for you."
Jack smiled at her words and kissed her. "Sara's right. You're worth holding on to. As much as it hurts, we can't change the past. But now I have this second chance with you and I'll be damned if I'm gonna screw it up."
Sam grinned and returned the kiss. "You'd better not, or I'll kick your ass!"
Rating: G
Classification: SJ established relationship, angst, romance
Spoilers: None but set in future series
Sequel to Ask Me, Taking it slow, Here and Now and Honey.
Summary: It's 10 years after Charlie died and Jack gets to face his past with Sara.
A/N: Well, it seems my muse likes this series. I'm still not a fan of established relationship fics but the muse is proving to not care about what I like or not. I might still write a sequel to go right after Honey but for now this was asking to be written. I hope you enjoy it.
Any feedback would be welcomed as I'm curious whether or not people are interested in this kind of series. Also, I'm still looking for a title for the whole series!
Huge big thanks to chiroho and splash_the_cat for the beta.
~~~~~~~
His past was currently standing face to face with his future. His old love, looking into the eyes of his new.
He cursed inwardly for lingering in the shower. If only he'd gotten ready sooner, this wouldn't have happened. It wasn't that Sara didn't know about Sam, but there was a huge difference between knowing something and being faced with it.
Sara stood in the doorway, looking as if she might bolt at any second.
"Hi, I'm..." He smiled at her courage as the scene unfolding in front of him kept him standing halfway down the stairs.
"Sara." Sam finished for her. He knew she was giving his ex a reassuring smile, even though her back was towards him.
"Yeah, you must be Sam." Sara's smile was slightly forced, but not as bitter as it could have been.
Sam nodded and stood back. "Please come in."
Jack knew Sara would notice him standing there when she entered, so he quickly came down the last few steps. "Sara, hi. Sorry, I was still in the shower." He motioned needlessly toward his still moist hair.
"You're gonna drown yourself one of these days," Sara teased, still familiar with his quirks.
In the corner of his eye he saw Sam bite her lip; she had made the same remark only yesterday morning. He had to squash the urge to reach for her, not wanting to make Sara even more uncomfortable. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all, but it wasn't his. He had offered to come pick her up, but Sara had to be somewhere for work and decided she would drive over to get him instead.
"Yeah, you know me." Jack shrugged it off sheepishly, and his eyes met Sam's for a second. She'll be alright, he told himself quietly.
Sara nodded and her gaze flickered towards the chairs, as if considering whether she should sit down.
"Do you want something to drink before you go?" Sam had picked up on it as well.
Sara looked at him, and he made the decision for both of them. "No, we should probably just go." As hard as it sounded, this was their day, his past didn't have any room for Sam. He knew she understood that, but it didn't make it any easier on either of them.
Sam nodded in understanding and he turned his attention back to Sara. "Ready?"
Sara nodded and Jack followed her out the door. Sara continued toward her car, not turning around to see if he was still with her - he assumed to give him a moment to say goodbye to Sam, who now stood behind him.
He turned back to her and brushed his fingers over the palm of her hand. She smiled ruefully and squeezed his hand, not asking any of the questions that he didn't know how to answer anyway.
"I might be late," he whispered. "Have a nice day." He leaned forward, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.
Sam bit her lip and nodded. "Janet wants to go shopping," she explained softly, but he knew she wasn't going to leave the house. He lingered for a moment before slipping his hand from hers and heading to the car.
As Sara pulled the car unto the road, he saw Sam still standing in the doorway, her arms wrapped tightly around her against the cold.
Wordlessly, Sara drove towards the cemetery. For ten years now, they'd repeated this ceremony. They'd go to Charlie's grave, talk to him, head down to the coffee house just outside of town, and talk about their days together. Only this time things would be different; he was different.
"She seems nice." Sara broke the silence and it took him a moment to realise she was talking about Sam.
"She is."
Sara nodded and fell silent again.
He groaned. He didn't know what else to day. Sam's presence in his life was making this tradition a lot more complicated. "This is awkward."
Sara shook her head. "Why? Because you've finally moved on?"
"No!" He protested, wondering if he had moved on at all. Part of him probably never would.
"Jack, there's nothing wrong with moving on." Sara sighed.
"Have you?" The question slipped out before he could consider whether he wanted to hear the answer.
She regarded him for a second, frowning thoughtfully. "From you? Yes." She answered softly.
It wasn't supposed to hurt, but it did anyway. "There's someone else?"
"Perhaps. We're taking things slow." She laughed as she saw the reservation in his eyes. "What? You thought I would pine over you for the rest of my life?"
Jack snorted. "No, I guess not."
She slipped the car into a parking space close to the gates to the cemetery and shut off the engine. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done; losing Charlie and getting over you. Sometimes I wish things had gone differently but..." She sighed. "There's no point really. What we had, it's gone. We allowed it to be buried together with our son." Her eyes were glistening with tears. "I tried to deny it for a long time, Jack. But we were fooling ourselves."
"Sara..." His voice broke on her name but she shook her head, not allowing him to interrupt.
"No, Jack. Don't deny it. Don't make the past into something it wasn't." She licked her lips and turned away, staring at the green hedge that surrounded the cemetery. She took a deep breath to calm herself and it was all he could do not to reach for her. "Don't shut her out like you did with me." She looked at him again, offering what he supposed was an encouraging smile.
"She'd kick my ass." Samantha Carter definitely had him whipped.
Sara laughed. "I should have kicked your ass back then." She looked down at her hands and a tear slid over her cheek.
"No, don't say that." He moved closer and covered her hands with his. "I was a jerk. I shouldn't have pushed you away."
She took his hands in hers and smiled sadly up at him. "No, you shouldn't have. We both made mistakes, Jack. Too many. There were a lot of things we should and could have done, but we didn't. I sometimes wonder if we would have stayed together even if Charlie didn't die."
He swallowed, not sure how to handle that idea. "I guess we'll never know."
"No, we won't. But we've got a second chance, Jack. Not a lot of people can say that. Don't screw it up. Any woman capable of kicking Jack O'Neill's ass must be worth holding on to." She smiled sadly at him, but he was relieved to not find any blame or bitterness in her eyes.
"Tell your boyfriend he's one lucky man, and if he hurts you I'll kick his ass." He smirked, and grinned as Sara laughed.
"I'll make sure I do." She snickered and squeezed his hands a final time before letting go. "Come on, Charlie's waiting..."
*****
Sam stared idly out of the window, trying to see past the reflection of the living room and into the darkness beyond. The magazine she held started to slip from her lap and she caught it just in time to prevent it from tumbling to the carpet. Jack had told her he might be home late, but she couldn't stop worrying. The whole house was cleaner than it had ever been since she semi-moved in, and she expected Jack hadn't seen it this clean either.
The sound of an engine pulled her out of her reverie, and she listened intently. The motor kept running and Sam wondered what kind of conversation was taking place between Jack and Sara.
She couldn't help but feel awkward at them being out the whole day. It wasn't that she didn't trust Jack, she knew his relationship with Sara was in the past. But the only reason she ever had a chance of being with him was because of his son's death, and that didn't sit well with her.
The sound of the engine faded and a few seconds later she heard a key slide into the look. Grabbing her magazine, she acted like she was totally engrossed in an article about... how to maintain the greenest lawn in the street. She wondered why the hell Jack bought these magazines anyway. It wasn't like they had any time to garden.
She didn't have to look up to know that he was watching her from the door. Deciding to leave it up to him, Sam kept up the pretence of reading. When he remained quiet for a long time, she started to get nervous. She was about to greet him when he finally spoke up.
"I'm gonna take a shower," his voice was soft, and she tore her eyes away from the article.
His expression was unreadable and she felt something inside her chest tighten.
"Okay," she nodded, not insulting him by pretending she hadn't noticed he was there before.
He slowly turned around and headed to the stairs. Sitting down on the lower steps, he loosened up his boots, then kicked them off.
Sam leaned over the back of the couch and watched him as he stood up again.
"Did you have dinner?" She asked. He seemed to be miles away, the question taking a while to seep in.
He eventually shook his head. "No."
"I saved you some macaroni and cheese," she told him. It was the only food she was capable of making but Jack seemed to like it. "Should I heat it up for you?"
He frowned; she could see the no forming when he suddenly forced a smile and nodded. "That'd be nice, thanks."
Sam sighed as he headed up the stairs. She listened to the sounds of Jack moving around upstairs. The shower started running, and forcing herself not to over think his mood, she pushed herself off the chair and headed into the kitchen to heat up his dinner.
By the time Jack got downstairs again, a hot plate of macaroni stood steaming on the kitchen table.
"Thanks." He placed a kiss on her forehead, the gesture more out of routine than anything else.
Sam watched him sit down and dig in. The macaroni was going down easily, and she was glad she'd made a bit more than usual. He looked more like a kid right now than like her lover. The term still made her feel strange, but they were both too old for her to regard him as a boyfriend.
"This is great," Jack commented between bites. He was trying to show her in his clumsy way that he appreciated her. She knew him too well by now not to notice it; she also knew part of it was out of guilt.
"Glad you like it." She answered softly and moved to stand beside him, absently reaching out and running her fingers lovingly through his hair. She loved the feel of the short strands against her skin.
Jack grinned at her and leaned into her hand, and part of her unease slipping away.
Smiling, Sam pressed a kiss on the top of his head. "I'll go finish reading that article." Maybe he just needed some time to get back into the present again.
She was about to go back into the living room when Jack caught her wrist and pulled her back. "Stay," he pleaded and gently pulled her on his lap.
Sam smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulder to steady herself. "You can't eat like this." She protested.
"I'm full anyway." His arms wrapped securely around her waist and buried his face against her neck.
They sat like that for a while. She could feel his breath washing over her skin and his arms tightened around her. Once again stroking his hair, she rested her cheek on his head. "Jack?" She whispered, and his arms pulled her even closer. His legs had to be falling asleep.
"Jack," she tried again, getting more concerned.
"I'll be alright," came his muffled reply, but he didn't move.
Sam just held on to him, deciding to let him talk when he felt like it. It took a while before he finally pulled back just a little. Their faces were nearly touching as their eyes met. She'd never seen so much sorrow in his, and gently cupped his cheek.
He seemed grateful for the touch and leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.
He surprised her when he started to speak softly, as if he wanted to keep this secret from the whole world. "When Charlie died, it was like my whole world collapsed. Him and Sara, they were all that mattered to me. When I'd get home from a mission they'd be there, and it was like all the things I saw and had to do were in a different world."
He swallowed and closed his eyes. Sam thought he would stop talking, but somehow he found the courage to continue. "When Charlie died... he took a part of me with him. I blamed myself, and Sara blamed me too. We stopped talking. It couldn't end up any other way than it did." He sighed and looked down.
"Jack," Sam gently lifted his head, looking into his eyes. "It's okay."
He shook his head. "I never thought I would be able to get over that. Losing your child, it's..." He paused, and Sam could see him finish the sentence in his mind. "But I did. It seems like a different lifetime now. I miss him, Sam. I miss him so much. But if it hadn't happened, we wouldn't have met and... I have a life again, I'm happy with you and that..." He shook his head wearily.
Sam felt Jack start to get up and quickly pushed down on his shoulders. "I know." She pressed a finger against his lips when he started to object. "I know you feel guilty. And sometimes I wish that I could get Charlie back for you."
Jack smiled at her words and kissed her. "Sara's right. You're worth holding on to. As much as it hurts, we can't change the past. But now I have this second chance with you and I'll be damned if I'm gonna screw it up."
Sam grinned and returned the kiss. "You'd better not, or I'll kick your ass!"