What a difference a year could make, Sandy thought as he watched Seth thumb
through the new car catalogs. Ryan stood not too far away. He was still
close enough not to look too envious and still close enough to listen to
Seth's constant chatter about what car would be best. But he was still far
enough away that he wasn't part of this happy family moment. Still the
outsider.
Sandy felt so bad for Ryan. He had no idea how he should approach Ryan about a car, too. Seth's birthday was first - by 10 days. So Seth got to pick out his car first. But Seth was Seth. He's had a life of privilege, no matter how "normal" Sandy and Kirsten tried to make this life. Ryan, well Ryan was Ryan. A lifetime of abuse and mistrust cannot be erased after only one year. Despite trying to give Ryan everything Seth had and treating him as their son, too, Ryan still acted like he was the outsider, the charity case.
Sandy and Kirsten tried to get Ryan to see a therapist, but their pleas were met with those stone cold gray blue eyes of Ryan's. When Ryan's eyes went that cold, they knew he was shutting down, and they knew there was no point on continuing the conversation. So Sandy and Kristen went to the therapist alone, but only once. The therapist told them that unless Ryan was willing to make the effort, no matter how much the Cohens did for him, it was very possible Ryan would never accept being their son. Once Ryan turned eighteen he could very well turn his back on the Cohens, and there would be nothing they could do about it. The thought of that was more than Sandy or Kirsten could stand. They kept hoping that by showing Ryan the same mix of unconditional love, understanding and discipline as Seth, he would accept them as his family. Now as Sandy watched Seth babble to Ryan continuously about the benefits of a Jeep Liberty versus a Honda CRX, he wondered if it could be possible. He wondered what went on in Ryan's head, behind those blue eyes. He also wondered how he could convince Ryan that he, too, could have a car for his seventieth birthday. When it came to Ryan, he wondered a lot of things, but just kept hoping it would all work out.
God, What a difference a year could make, Seth thought as he finally decided on a new Jeep Liberty.
Seth's birthday sucked last year. When Seth turned sixteen and got his license, he knew there would be no new car. His parents told him that. They wanted him to drive for at least a year before they gave him a new car. They wanted to be as "un-Newport" as possible, and that meant no shiny new BMW for Seth to take his driver's test in. But it sucked for so many other reasons, too. His "sweet sixteen" consisted of taking his driving test, going sailing alone and then dinner with his parents. Not much celebrating since there wasn't much to celebrate.
However, 11 days later, his whole world changed. Although it may have come a little late, he still felt that he got the best birthday present ever on that day. He got a new brother, and with that new brother came a whole new world. Even though it hadn't gone too smooth in the beginning, what Ryan did for him and the whole family was much better then any car. Because of Ryan, Seth now had friends and a girlfriend. Heck, for a while, Seth actually had two girlfriends, and Seth's current girlfriend was none other then the girl who he had loved since he was like ten. And it was all because of Ryan. Everyone knew it, everyone except Ryan. Seth tried really hard to forget what he knew about Ryan's past. He tried to image Ryan had always been his brother. He figured that would get easier this year. They've already been through a whole year as a complete family. After they each celebrate their birthdays, then there will be no "first" for them to suffer through. No first thanksgiving, no first Christmakkuh, no first nothing. Ryan would be more accepting this year, or so Seth hoped.
As Seth walked into the pool house, he saw Ryan was getting ready for work, and he couldn't help but be really disappointed.
Hoping he could still talk Ryan into coming with him, he said,
"Hey, man, you're actually working today? It's my birthday. Don't you want to come with me and Dad, you know, car shopping. Listen, I've decided on the Jeep Liberty. I was thinking maybe black, or blue, maybe even the gray. But I don't know, what do you think? Cars should be dark, that's cooler, don't you think?"
Ryan couldn't believe how fast Seth could talk when he wanted,
"Seth, man, take breath. First, yah, I'm working. I'm working your shift at the Lighthouse. ONE of us has to work it. And since it's your birthday and not mine, then I guess I'm that someone."
Seth just shrugged,
"You know, Ryan, Dad does own the Lighthouse. He does have the pull to get us both out of working.."
"Seth, just cause he owns it doesn't mean we can blow it off whenever we want. It means we should work harder." Ryan shot back.
Seth just rolled his eyes at the very thought.. Knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere, Ryan said,
" ok, I see I'm just talking to myself at this point. Jeep Liberty? Yah, that sounds cool, I guess. What about a Jeep Wrangler? That's cool, too, you know. And why do cars have to be dark? What is it with this family that all cars should be dark? What about red?"
Seth took this as an opportunity to talk to Ryan about his choice of cars for his birthday.
"Well. I like the Liberty. I don't really see myself as an off roading, wind in my hair, Jeep kind of guy. And I like dark colored cars. I thought you were all dark, too. Ok, I'll look at red. But in the Liberty, not the Wrangler. But hay, maybe you can get the Wrangler and teach me the rough and tough off roading experience."
Ryan just kind of stared blankly at Seth's statement, not understanding what Seth was getting at.
"Come on, Seth, I know I've been working a lot of shifts at the Lighthouse this summer, but a Wrangler is like over 20 grand." Ryan was quickly cut off by Seth's off key version of "happy birthday to us." "Well, I gotta jet. I'll be home in time for dinner, and you can tell me all about the new wheels. By the way, where did you pick to go for dinner?"
"The Lighthouse, where else??" Seth couldn't resist, "Come on, man, Dad owns the place! How could I pick some where else?"
Seth watched Ryan leave and then went to look for Sandy to tell him that it was time to hit the Jeep dealer. Less then 10 minutes later, they were off. Sandy, too, was disappointed that Ryan decided not to come car shopping with them. He had hoped to get some kind of clue as to what Ryan liked, but he had to admire the boy for his work ethic. Something he wished had rubbed off at least a little on Seth. There was a lot of Ryan that he wished would rub off on Seth. But there was also some Seth that Sandy wished would rub off on Ryan. Or maybe, he thought, he should just be happy with them both as they were, and hope for the best..
As Sandy and Seth drove, he couldn't help but get excited for Seth. He knew Seth was dying for a car of his own. Another step closer to being like the other Newport pod people Seth claimed to hate so much but wanted so much to be accepted by.
"So why a Liberty?" asked Sandy.
"Well, it's within the price range you and Mom set. It's a little bigger and cooler then a regular car. It's 4-wheel drive, and I like it. Is that ok?"
Seth tried sounding cool, but he knew he sounded like a little excited kid. God, he wished he could stay cool and low key, like Ryan.
"Yah, son, that's fine. Your mom and I told you what ever you wanted within reason would be fine. And I like that it's bigger then a car and 4- wheel drive, too. Makes us feel like you'll be safer."
Sandy paused for a minute before continuing, "So, um, what did Ryan think? Does he like the Liberty?"
Seth knew his father would get around to asking. He knew his parents wanted Ryan to pick out a car, too, but just didn't know how to go about it with Ryan.
"Actually, dad," Seth said slowly, "He likes the Jeep Wrangler, in red."
"Really? He told you that? He said he wanted a Wrangler for his birthday?"
Sandy could barely contain his excitement. Maybe Ryan was coming around more than they thought.
Seth actually hated to tell his father, but said,
"No. He just told me that maybe I should look at a Wrangler because they were cool. And he said red, because not all the cars in the family needed to be dark. But he also said he didn't have the 20 grand to buy the Wrangler himself. Sorry."
"Well, at least, it's a start. At least we know now what he likes.." Sandy couldn't help but be disappointed. "But today is your birthday. Today, it's about you picking out your car. We'll work on Ryan next week for his birthday."
Ryan came home at 5:30pm, expecting to see Seth's new dark colored Jeep Liberty in the driveway, and was shocked not to see it. As Ryan walked into the kitchen, he saw Seth still pouring over the Liberty flyer.
"Hay man, what happened? Where's the new wheels? Don't tell me you've already done something to have it taken away?" Those were the last words Ryan was able to get in for what seemed like a good 15 minutes.
"What, no way, man, Car will be ready Saturday. I wanted the one with the 6 cd changer, a power moon roof, and I wanted it in Patriot Blue. We test drove a red one. But, Ry, man, cars should be dark. But hay, Patriotic Blue sounds like a cool, all American color? Right. I mean, it's a little dark, I know, but hay, it's not black. It has four doors so we can double date. It's automatic, since I don't drive stick, and the inside is gray, and I mean, it's really a cool looking car. Here look, here's a picture of the exact car I picked out. Cool, huh? What do you think? Huh?"
Seth really looked like a kid who was turned loose in a toy store, or a candy store or whatever the expression was, Ryan thought.
"Yah," Ryan said, "Real cool looking car. I like the color."
And with a snicker said, "reminds me of Luke's truck."
Ryan couldn't help but throw that last part in. He wasn't exactly sure why he had to say it, he just felt like he had to. He and Luke were pretty good friends now, and he knew that despite the fact Seth tolerated Luke, they would never be best friends.
The look of joy was now gone from Seth's face. "Dad! Dad!" Seth was almost frantic when Sandy walked into the kitchen.
Turning to Sandy, Seth said,
"Dad, call the Jeep dealer. Tell him the deals off. Tell him I'll take the black Liberty or the gray or any other color, but not the blue."
Sandy looked from Seth to Ryan, back to Seth
"Seth, calm down. What's wrong with the blue. I thought you really liked the blue."
"Yah, that was before Ryan pointed out that it looked like Luke's truck. I don't want to have anything that looks like anything Luke has."
Ryan, who was looking about as guilty as he felt, especially with the look he was getting from Sandy, tried to back peddle and told Seth,
"I mean, it's not like Luke's truck. I just meant the color was really cool. I mean, you've got to admit that Luke does have a cool looking truck. The color's not too dark and not too light, but yours is nothing like Luke's truck. No one will confuse you two or your trucks. Just get the blue one. It'll be cool. Um, I think I'll go take a fast shower and change."
Making a quick exit, he saw that Sandy and Seth were still talking, and he also saw that from the look on Sandy's face, he'd also be talking to Sandy soon enough.
Lucky for everyone, especially Ryan, Seth could never hold a grudge against him for very long, so by the time they got to the Lighthouse for dinner, Seth was in high spirits and ready to be the center of attention for the night. Summer joined them for dinner, and they all seemed to have a really good time.
For dessert, everyone remotely associated with the restaurant sang Happy Birthday to Seth. Anything for the boss's son, thought Ryan. He knew what most of them thought of Seth. All the times he blew off his shifts, and when he did show up, he wasn't exactly going for employee of the month. The people who worked at the Lighthouse only came to Newport to work. They needed their jobs. They didn't have the life of privilege that Seth had.
After dessert, Seth opened his presents. Clothes from Summer, naturally, since she's always trying to change his style. Ryan got him CD's. Seth had given him a list of like six that he wanted. What he didn't expect was that Ryan got him all 6. Sandy and Kirsten gave him more clothes, a game for play station, a wallet and a key chain for the car. Grandpa Caleb gave him money. He always gave money. It's easier, and Seth liked getting money.
After dinner, Seth and Summer decided to go have a more private birthday celebration. They invited Ryan to go, but he knew they were only being polite. He could tell by the look in Summer's eyes that the rest of Seth's "gift" wasn't for Ryan to share. Since he and Marissa were only dating on and off, he had figured on calling Luke and hanging out with him. Unfortunately, Sandy and Kirsten had other ideas. As they were leaving, Kirsten reminded Seth to be careful and be home by midnight and then turned to Ryan and said,
"Ok, how about some play station? Or maybe a movie? Hay, maybe we could talk?"
Ryan didn't mean to roll his eyes, but the thought. He just shrugged and said,
"I'd thought I'd just hang, maybe see what Luke was up to. I don't need to work till the dinner shift tomorrow night."
Unfortunately, Sandy put his arm around him and said,
"Nah. You've hung out with Luke enough for one week. Tonight, my friend, you are stuck with the folks. Make the most of it."
When they got home, Ryan figured play station would be the safest bet to keep Sandy and Kirsten from wanting to "talk." He had managed to avoid talking to Sandy since the afternoon, and really wanted to keep it that way. They were so into talking, about feelings, and dreams, and desires, and about anything that came to mind. Even after almost a year, Ryan didn't get it. He hated to talk. He never quite believed all they were saying. So play station was most definitely the safest bet to keep the talking to a minimum. Kirsten was as fierce about winning at play station as Seth, and the more she made fun of Sandy's ability, the more competitive Sandy became. It's not that he wanted to pit them against each other, but it beat having to talk. It worked just as Ryan had hoped. Shortly after ten, Kirsten and Sandy were really into their Ninja battle, and Ryan was able to slip out to the pool house without them noticing.
The rest of the week was pretty quiet. Ryan worked Thursday and Friday. Seth worked Thursday and found a reason not to work Friday. They also hung out on the beach, or went sailing, or when Seth was with Summer, Ryan hung out with Luke.
On Saturday, Ryan decided to try to sleep in. He knew that Sandy had arranged for him and Seth to both have off from work so Ryan could go with them to pick up Seth's new car. As he sat up in bed, he realized that he was really dreading today. He hated to be jealous, but he couldn't help it. Sandy and Kirsten had been referring to themselves as Ryan's parents and Seth as his brother for months now. Still Ryan couldn't help but think that all that talk about Ryan and Seth being brothers, being equal was just talk. Everyone would see it, too. Seth would go back to school in a new car, and Ryan would still be on his bicycle. He'd be the only senior at Harbor without his own car. Ryan's birthday was a week away, and although he kept telling himself that he wouldn't accept it, he secretly wished Sandy and Kirsten would ask him what kind of car he would want. But they didn't. Not one word. It was the topic of conversation for pretty much most of the summer that Seth was getting a car the day he turned seventeen. But no one asked Ryan what he wanted. No one picked up car catalogs for him, or offered to take him for any test drives. And as much as this really bothered Ryan, what bothered Ryan even more was that no one mentioned what he did for his sixteenth birthday, and how that changed everybody's lives. No one mentioned what a difference a year could make.
Seth came flying into the pool house at that point, leaping onto Ryan's bed and jumping up and down,
"Come on, man, get up, get dressed, let's go.. Car's ready. Need to get there early so we can hit the beach. Drive up and down the strand, showing off the new wheels. Come on, let's go.."
"Damn it, Seth, get off my friggin' bed. I'm coming, I'm coming. Just give me like 10 minutes to take a fast shower, and get dressed."
"Ok - you have nine and a half minutes. Meet you inside." And then Seth was off.
15 minutes later, Ryan was dressed and in the kitchen listening to Seth's ramblings. He was trying to get excited for Seth. He figured it wouldn't take him too long to talk Seth into letting him borrow the car. It wasn't a Wrangler, but it was better then constantly asking Sandy and Kirsten for their keys. He did have about a grand saved from working at the Lighthouse. Ryan knew he really needed to save for his future, but maybe he could buy himself something used. Hopefully by the end of the summer, he could afford something half way decent. He would need some kind of car after he turned eighteen next year, and the Cohens no longer needed to feel responsible for him.
Ryan sat quietly in the back seat on the drive to the dealership. It was real easy to do, considering Seth was talking more then usual, and for Seth, that was saying a lot. Ryan was so wrapped in his thoughts, though, he didn't see the constant looks from Sandy in the rear view mirror. Sandy was nervous. Not about Seth getting his car, but what he had asked the dealer to do. He was trying to be slick and sly, and he knew he'd get away with it with Seth, but Ryan. Well, nothing seems to get past Ryan. As they pulled in the dealership, Seth started jumping up in his seat,
"Ryan, Ryan, look, it's right there. Right out front. It's just waiting for us to hope in and go wild!! Dad, hurry up, park the car. Park any where. Just stop the car."
As they got out of the car, Ryan had to admit to himself that the Liberty was a pretty nice car. It wasn't what Ryan would call the coolest car he'd ever seen, but Seth wasn't exactly the coolest kid he'd ever known. Seth was definitely a Jeep Liberty type of guy, Ryan thought with a smile. But then he saw it. It was just sitting a few feet away from Seth's Liberty. There sat the hottest Flame Red Jeep Wrangler he had ever seen. He tried to be casual and see if Seth or Sandy noticed it to. He had hoped for a surprise Happy Birthday. But no one said anything. Since Seth was the only one he'd ever mentioned a Wrangler to, he figured no one even noticed the cruel irony of it all. Just a few feet away from Seth's dream car was his. But Seth's dream was coming true, and once again, Ryan was left only wanting and wishing.
Sandy quickly handed the keys to Seth and told them both that they could take off and have fun. He said he had some remaining paperwork he needed to finish. He'd see them at home for dinner. He saw the envy and pain and excitement in Ryan's eyes when he saw the Wrangler. He knew that it was what Ryan wanted, and would have loved more then anything to just hand Ryan the keys and say Happy Birthday son. But since he never knew what Ryan's reaction would be, he figured it would still be best to present Ryan's gift to him next weekend, for his birthday.
As he watched Seth and Ryan climb into Seth's Liberty and take off, he turned to the dealer, and said,
"Ok. Now about the Wrangler. Remember, I want both the hard and soft tops, and I'll be back next Saturday to pick it up. You will take another check, right?"
As the week went by, Ryan got more and more quiet and withdrawn. He tried not to be home as much as possible. He was at the restaurant all the time, agreeing to work as many double shifts as possible. When he wasn't working, he was hanging out with Luke, or hiding in the pool house. He just couldn't believe that the family who just loved to talk about everything under the sun still had not mentioned how different this year was from last, and what it meant to Ryan.
On Friday morning, Ryan hid in the pool house until he was sure everyone had left for work. He knew Sandy threatened Seth already with losing the car if Seth blew off another shift at the restaurant, so he knew Seth was gone. He figured Kirsten was already at the Newport Group and Sandy was at the law office. He figured he could relax, have breakfast and chill in the pool alone for a while. He figured wrong. As he walked into the kitchen he saw Kirsten and Sandy sitting at the bar.
Kirsten noticed him first,
"Good morning lazy. Enjoying your last day of sweet sixteen? We have two bagels left - do you want plain or poppy?"
"Um, not really that hungry. Just thought I'd get some coffee."
"Ok, plain it is. With cream cheese. I have your OJ right here, and coffee is still in the pot."
Kirsten was never one for taking no for an answer, especially from one of her boys.
"I thought you guys had to work today? Did I miss a holiday or something?"
Ryan had hoped that they would be leaving soon, but knew better. He knew that they wanted to talk.
Sandy handed him a piece of paper, and said,
"Well, I know this isn't really a birthday present, but I thought you might like to see this."
As Ryan opened the paper, Sandy could see that it didn't register completely with him.
"It's been a year. Well, almost a year. Your probation is ending. Rachel from my office has been filing all the necessary paperwork so you'll be a free man. No more threats of violating your probation. Not that you can go off and commit some crime, mind you. But at least that part of your life will be behind you."
Sandy wanted so badly to add that this was the last reminder of Ryan's life in Chino. Nothing would make Sandy, Kirsten or Seth happier then for Ryan to leave behind every last piece of his life in Chino, but they knew that was not possible. Since Ryan barely talked about his life in Chino, they didn't even know how he felt about it. Once in a while he would mention something, in passing and very quickly. They had no idea if there had been any happier times in Chino for Ryan, but Sandy definitely knew about all the abuse. He had seen Ryan's file after Ryan's arrest, and it was heart breaking. All of that ended, however, on the night of Ryan's sixteenth birthday.
As Ryan sat down at the table, Kirsten walked over to him, handed him his bagel and said,
"I know this all must still seem really weird to you. I know that so much has changed in this past year. I mean, this time last year, you were still in Chino with Dawn and Trey. We've never asked what happened last year. We never asked why Trey would take you out on your sixteenth birthday to show you how to steal a car, or how you felt about spending that night in juvie. But a year does make a big difference. If you'd like to talk about it now, we'd like to listen."
Ryan should have known they would know. He should have known they would have never missed the irony of last year's events. And for some reason, he felt guilty. Really guilty. He started talking, down at his bagel, but at least he started talking,
"You know, I didn't think you knew. But I guess you would have to know. Sandy would have it in his file when my birthday was and of course, the date I was arrested. I, uh, kind of figured, you'd just never care enough to make the connection."
Quickly, Ryan started reliving the day's events as if it had been only yesterday and not a year ago,
" I got my license earlier that day. Trey took me in Dawn's car. Obviously, I passed. By the time we got home, Dawn and AJ were pretty wasted so Trey and I decided to go out. Dawn's car had no gas, and we had no money so we had to walk. One thing led to another and Trey figured since I was now old enough to drive, I was old enough to 'borrow' my own cars. And the rest, as they say, is history.."
Ryan knew they were staring at him, even though he was still talking to his bagel, he could feel them staring at him. Suddenly, he felt Kirsten's hand on his back,
"Ryan, look at us..." "Now, Ryan" Her voice was gentle, but firm.
Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat, and looked up at them. He expected to see pity in their eyes. Both of them. Pity for the charity case.
Sandy spoke first,
"Ryan, of course we knew. We've always known. Just like we know that you don't like talking about it. We are trying to respect the fact that you don't like talking about your past. We haven't pushed the issue of the therapist, even though we still think it would be good for you, because we respect the fact that you don't want to talk. But Ryan, don't you ever think we don't care enough about any part of your life, whether it's your past, your present or your future. We are your parents. Maybe we weren't last year, but we are this year, and we will be next year and the year after that and every year after that till we're so old and feeble, that you and Seth have to spoon feed us."
They both gave Ryan a chance to fully understand what they are trying to get through to him before Kirsten continued,
"What happened back then doesn't effect the way we feel about you now. That was last year and this is this year. Please try to remember that you can always talk to us. No matter what. That doesn't mean we will always like what you say. We're parents, we're not supposed to like everything a teenager says or does. But we will be there for you, always. Ok?"
Kirsten always knew when Ryan had enough emotional talks, and figured it was time to change the subject,
"And speaking of talking, you have yet to tell us what is on your birthday list. It is tomorrow, and you've never said a word. I know you're not Seth, who added to his list daily, but there must be something you would like. And I swear, if you say that you don't need or want anything, you'll be grounded for your birthday. That I can promise."
"Honestly, Kirsten, I really didn't think about it. I'm not used to getting gifts. Christmakkuh was weird enough but at least everyone was getting something. Birthdays are just weird. I'm sorry, I'm just not used to getting any kind of special attention. Usually the attention I got was not good, and usually resulted in a beating of some sort from someone."
Ryan couldn't believe he said it. He figured they knew about the beatings and the abuse, but he still hated to bring it up to them, especially Kirsten. She usually looked away when he talked about it. Afraid to look him in the face, show him the pity she really felt for him.
Not this time, though. This time, she seemed to accept it, and continued,
"Well, then just what you wanted to do on a beautiful summer day - shopping with your mother. How fun. I'll take you to lunch, and you can pick out some stuff you'd like. Hurry and finish your bagel so we can get going."
"Um, don't you have to work today? I mean, isn't there some meetings or something about the new development? I have to be at work at like 3 so maybe we can make it another time."
Ryan hated the mall to begin with, and the idea of hanging out shopping with Kirsten was not high on his list of things he wanted to do. It was too weird.
"Well, no I don't have to work today. I took the day off. And as for your shift, Seth is working it. After a summer of you covering for him, it's time for him to cover for you. So now you have all day and all tomorrow off. I promise, if you behave at the mall today, and pick some nice stuff out for yourself, I'll let you decide how you want to spend tomorrow. However, if you give me any more grief about not wanting anything, I will make you go back to the mall with me tomorrow."
Ryan was never sure if Kirsten even realized just how motherly she sounded.
He liked it. He liked motherly Kirsten. He actually started to like the idea of picking some stuff out for himself. He did like having some stuff of his own. After a life time of Trey's hand me downs, and even a year of borrowing from Seth, he really did like the idea having stuff of his own.
Sandy quietly watched the exchange between the two, and realized again how much he truly loved Kirsten. He also realized how much Ryan truly loved her and needed her. He hoped everything registered with Ryan, and that he believed what they told him. He figured he'd attempt the next step.
"Oh man, Ry. Make your mother happy. I had plans for us tomorrow, and believe me, it ain't at the mall! Pick out some stuff and let your mother pick out some stuff, and then you'll be free tomorrow!"
"Plans for tomorrow? What kind of plans? I thought I had the choice. If it's surfing, forget. I told you before, I don't know how to surf and I'm too old to try. Don't you have to work? Is Seth the only one making any money for this family today?" Ryan still found it very hard to read Sandy sometimes.
Sandy just laughed, "Yah, kid. I'm off to defend the rich and spoiled. And as for tomorrow, well, that's for tomorrow. Today you are stuck making your mother happy. Tomorrow, it's my turn. And no, it's not surfing. I've given up hope that either one of my kids would see the benefits and pure joy of surfing. Enjoy the mall."
Ryan actually had a good time with Kirsten at the mall, although he'd never admit it. Seth had always said shopping with the parentals was like eating a brillo pad. But Seth had seventeen years of unappreciated shopping trips. Ryan was still trying to get used to it, so he liked it. He picked out some clothes, new sneakers, some CDs. He tried to stay within the limits of what he saw Seth get.
He heard what they said to him this morning. And as much as he wanted it to be true, he was still afraid. Afraid they would change their minds. As bad as it sounded, especially with Kirsten spending all this money on him at the mall, there was still no talk about a car. He knew he couldn't accept one, but if they really wanted him to believe that they were now his parents, why give one to Seth and completely over look him? He knew he was being selfish and petty and childish, and he should really appreciate what they did give him but still..
The next morning, Ryan got up around 9, and showered. Whatever Sandy had planned for him, he never said. Ryan was still trying to figure it out when Sandy came into the pool house.
"Hay, you're up. Good you're dressed. Everyone's waiting. Let's eat. I'd like to hit the road by 10. Oh, and Happy Birthday, son."
"Hit the road by 10? Where are we going?"
Ryan really hated surprises. Surprises were usually bad.
Sandy wasn't going to give it up. He was too excited about the surprise, but was also still very unsure of Ryan's reaction.
"Well, all I will tell you is that it's not Chino, or the police station or juvie, or any where else you spent your last birthday. New year, new birthday, now let's go.."
At the breakfast table, Ryan got the same happy birthdays and birthday breakfast that Seth got 10 days earlier, and by 10am, Sandy was rushing him out the door, leaving a very annoyed Seth demanding to know why he couldn't come to. Sandy tried to tell him that he and Seth went out alone on Seth's birthday, and today it was Ryan's turn, hoping Seth would catch on, without Ryan catching on.
As they sat in the car together, going who knows where, Sandy seemed to be getting more and more nervous which made Ryan more and more apprehensive.
"Ok, Sandy, unless you want me to jump from a speeding car, you will tell me where we are going. I don't like surprises. Come on, tell me. PLEASE."
Sandy took a deep breath before beginning,
"Well, ok. As much as Kirsten and I want to treat you boys the same, we know that you aren't. With Seth, everything is pretty black and white. He knows what he wants, and he's not afraid to ask for it. He has plans for everything. It's not always a good thing, but that's the way he is. With you, well, it's definitely not black and white with you. If you want something, you don't ask. You never ask. We know that you may never ask. So most times, we have to figure it out on our own. I'm just hoping this time, we got it right."
"Got what right?"
Now Ryan was getting nervous. What did they do? Sandy still didn't answer his question. If it wasn't Chino, or any reminders of his past, and no new car, where were they going and why wouldn't Sandy say anything?
"Got this right.." Sandy said as he pulled into the Jeep dealer again.
There sitting in the same spot as Seth's Jeep Liberty the week before was the red Jeep Wrangler that Ryan had eyed on that day.
"No. I. You. Can't. Not Right. Why?"
Ryan knew he wasn't making any sense, but he was overwhelmed. Completely and totally overwhelmed. He just sat in the car, not wanting to move. He was too excited about what he thought was the best present he could ever imagine. Not just the car, but that Ryan really was as important to them as Seth. Even as Sandy got out of the car and met up with the salesman, Ryan still sat in the car. He didn't hear the conversation between Sandy and the salesman. He only saw the salesman point to the car and Sandy point to him. Ryan just couldn't bring himself to believe, and therefore, he just couldn't get out of the car. After what seemed like forever, Sandy walked back to the BMW, opened the passenger side of the car, and handed Ryan a set of keys.
"Ok, now you can get out of my car. Yours is over there. You need to remember a few rules. First, if you don't go home and get Seth, he will never let you forget it. Second, it may be your birthday, but you're still stuck with us for dinner. So be home by 6:00. Third, you have to tell your mother about any tickets you get. And believe me, you aren't going to want to tell her that, so I strongly recommend that you get no tickets."
Ryan felt the tears in his eyes and knew that if he looked up, looked at Sandy or even looked at the car, he would lose it. So he looked at the keys in his hand, and talked to them,
"Um, ok, thanks. Get Seth, home by 6 and no tickets. Um, I. Sandy. How?"
Sandy just smiled. He knew Ryan was over whelmed, but he also knew Ryan was extremely happy.
"Well, Ryan, my boy, you aren't as slick as you may think. You told Seth last week that a red Jeep Wrangler was really cool. I also saw the look on your face last week. I saw how much this car would mean to you. That despite not saying a word, this was the car for you. So, when we came for Seth's car, I ordered yours. It's your seventeenth birthday. Deal's a deal. For you as well as Seth. Now, I seriously doubt you want to spend your birthday in the parking lot of a car dealership talking to your old man. Remember, home by 6, otherwise I have to deal with your mother. And if I have to deal with your mother, I get to take the car away..already.."
Ryan watched as Sandy got into the BMW, and drive away from the dealership before walking over to the Jeep. His Jeep. As he sat behind the wheel, he couldn't help but smile. God, what a difference a year makes.
Sandy felt so bad for Ryan. He had no idea how he should approach Ryan about a car, too. Seth's birthday was first - by 10 days. So Seth got to pick out his car first. But Seth was Seth. He's had a life of privilege, no matter how "normal" Sandy and Kirsten tried to make this life. Ryan, well Ryan was Ryan. A lifetime of abuse and mistrust cannot be erased after only one year. Despite trying to give Ryan everything Seth had and treating him as their son, too, Ryan still acted like he was the outsider, the charity case.
Sandy and Kirsten tried to get Ryan to see a therapist, but their pleas were met with those stone cold gray blue eyes of Ryan's. When Ryan's eyes went that cold, they knew he was shutting down, and they knew there was no point on continuing the conversation. So Sandy and Kristen went to the therapist alone, but only once. The therapist told them that unless Ryan was willing to make the effort, no matter how much the Cohens did for him, it was very possible Ryan would never accept being their son. Once Ryan turned eighteen he could very well turn his back on the Cohens, and there would be nothing they could do about it. The thought of that was more than Sandy or Kirsten could stand. They kept hoping that by showing Ryan the same mix of unconditional love, understanding and discipline as Seth, he would accept them as his family. Now as Sandy watched Seth babble to Ryan continuously about the benefits of a Jeep Liberty versus a Honda CRX, he wondered if it could be possible. He wondered what went on in Ryan's head, behind those blue eyes. He also wondered how he could convince Ryan that he, too, could have a car for his seventieth birthday. When it came to Ryan, he wondered a lot of things, but just kept hoping it would all work out.
God, What a difference a year could make, Seth thought as he finally decided on a new Jeep Liberty.
Seth's birthday sucked last year. When Seth turned sixteen and got his license, he knew there would be no new car. His parents told him that. They wanted him to drive for at least a year before they gave him a new car. They wanted to be as "un-Newport" as possible, and that meant no shiny new BMW for Seth to take his driver's test in. But it sucked for so many other reasons, too. His "sweet sixteen" consisted of taking his driving test, going sailing alone and then dinner with his parents. Not much celebrating since there wasn't much to celebrate.
However, 11 days later, his whole world changed. Although it may have come a little late, he still felt that he got the best birthday present ever on that day. He got a new brother, and with that new brother came a whole new world. Even though it hadn't gone too smooth in the beginning, what Ryan did for him and the whole family was much better then any car. Because of Ryan, Seth now had friends and a girlfriend. Heck, for a while, Seth actually had two girlfriends, and Seth's current girlfriend was none other then the girl who he had loved since he was like ten. And it was all because of Ryan. Everyone knew it, everyone except Ryan. Seth tried really hard to forget what he knew about Ryan's past. He tried to image Ryan had always been his brother. He figured that would get easier this year. They've already been through a whole year as a complete family. After they each celebrate their birthdays, then there will be no "first" for them to suffer through. No first thanksgiving, no first Christmakkuh, no first nothing. Ryan would be more accepting this year, or so Seth hoped.
As Seth walked into the pool house, he saw Ryan was getting ready for work, and he couldn't help but be really disappointed.
Hoping he could still talk Ryan into coming with him, he said,
"Hey, man, you're actually working today? It's my birthday. Don't you want to come with me and Dad, you know, car shopping. Listen, I've decided on the Jeep Liberty. I was thinking maybe black, or blue, maybe even the gray. But I don't know, what do you think? Cars should be dark, that's cooler, don't you think?"
Ryan couldn't believe how fast Seth could talk when he wanted,
"Seth, man, take breath. First, yah, I'm working. I'm working your shift at the Lighthouse. ONE of us has to work it. And since it's your birthday and not mine, then I guess I'm that someone."
Seth just shrugged,
"You know, Ryan, Dad does own the Lighthouse. He does have the pull to get us both out of working.."
"Seth, just cause he owns it doesn't mean we can blow it off whenever we want. It means we should work harder." Ryan shot back.
Seth just rolled his eyes at the very thought.. Knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere, Ryan said,
" ok, I see I'm just talking to myself at this point. Jeep Liberty? Yah, that sounds cool, I guess. What about a Jeep Wrangler? That's cool, too, you know. And why do cars have to be dark? What is it with this family that all cars should be dark? What about red?"
Seth took this as an opportunity to talk to Ryan about his choice of cars for his birthday.
"Well. I like the Liberty. I don't really see myself as an off roading, wind in my hair, Jeep kind of guy. And I like dark colored cars. I thought you were all dark, too. Ok, I'll look at red. But in the Liberty, not the Wrangler. But hay, maybe you can get the Wrangler and teach me the rough and tough off roading experience."
Ryan just kind of stared blankly at Seth's statement, not understanding what Seth was getting at.
"Come on, Seth, I know I've been working a lot of shifts at the Lighthouse this summer, but a Wrangler is like over 20 grand." Ryan was quickly cut off by Seth's off key version of "happy birthday to us." "Well, I gotta jet. I'll be home in time for dinner, and you can tell me all about the new wheels. By the way, where did you pick to go for dinner?"
"The Lighthouse, where else??" Seth couldn't resist, "Come on, man, Dad owns the place! How could I pick some where else?"
Seth watched Ryan leave and then went to look for Sandy to tell him that it was time to hit the Jeep dealer. Less then 10 minutes later, they were off. Sandy, too, was disappointed that Ryan decided not to come car shopping with them. He had hoped to get some kind of clue as to what Ryan liked, but he had to admire the boy for his work ethic. Something he wished had rubbed off at least a little on Seth. There was a lot of Ryan that he wished would rub off on Seth. But there was also some Seth that Sandy wished would rub off on Ryan. Or maybe, he thought, he should just be happy with them both as they were, and hope for the best..
As Sandy and Seth drove, he couldn't help but get excited for Seth. He knew Seth was dying for a car of his own. Another step closer to being like the other Newport pod people Seth claimed to hate so much but wanted so much to be accepted by.
"So why a Liberty?" asked Sandy.
"Well, it's within the price range you and Mom set. It's a little bigger and cooler then a regular car. It's 4-wheel drive, and I like it. Is that ok?"
Seth tried sounding cool, but he knew he sounded like a little excited kid. God, he wished he could stay cool and low key, like Ryan.
"Yah, son, that's fine. Your mom and I told you what ever you wanted within reason would be fine. And I like that it's bigger then a car and 4- wheel drive, too. Makes us feel like you'll be safer."
Sandy paused for a minute before continuing, "So, um, what did Ryan think? Does he like the Liberty?"
Seth knew his father would get around to asking. He knew his parents wanted Ryan to pick out a car, too, but just didn't know how to go about it with Ryan.
"Actually, dad," Seth said slowly, "He likes the Jeep Wrangler, in red."
"Really? He told you that? He said he wanted a Wrangler for his birthday?"
Sandy could barely contain his excitement. Maybe Ryan was coming around more than they thought.
Seth actually hated to tell his father, but said,
"No. He just told me that maybe I should look at a Wrangler because they were cool. And he said red, because not all the cars in the family needed to be dark. But he also said he didn't have the 20 grand to buy the Wrangler himself. Sorry."
"Well, at least, it's a start. At least we know now what he likes.." Sandy couldn't help but be disappointed. "But today is your birthday. Today, it's about you picking out your car. We'll work on Ryan next week for his birthday."
Ryan came home at 5:30pm, expecting to see Seth's new dark colored Jeep Liberty in the driveway, and was shocked not to see it. As Ryan walked into the kitchen, he saw Seth still pouring over the Liberty flyer.
"Hay man, what happened? Where's the new wheels? Don't tell me you've already done something to have it taken away?" Those were the last words Ryan was able to get in for what seemed like a good 15 minutes.
"What, no way, man, Car will be ready Saturday. I wanted the one with the 6 cd changer, a power moon roof, and I wanted it in Patriot Blue. We test drove a red one. But, Ry, man, cars should be dark. But hay, Patriotic Blue sounds like a cool, all American color? Right. I mean, it's a little dark, I know, but hay, it's not black. It has four doors so we can double date. It's automatic, since I don't drive stick, and the inside is gray, and I mean, it's really a cool looking car. Here look, here's a picture of the exact car I picked out. Cool, huh? What do you think? Huh?"
Seth really looked like a kid who was turned loose in a toy store, or a candy store or whatever the expression was, Ryan thought.
"Yah," Ryan said, "Real cool looking car. I like the color."
And with a snicker said, "reminds me of Luke's truck."
Ryan couldn't help but throw that last part in. He wasn't exactly sure why he had to say it, he just felt like he had to. He and Luke were pretty good friends now, and he knew that despite the fact Seth tolerated Luke, they would never be best friends.
The look of joy was now gone from Seth's face. "Dad! Dad!" Seth was almost frantic when Sandy walked into the kitchen.
Turning to Sandy, Seth said,
"Dad, call the Jeep dealer. Tell him the deals off. Tell him I'll take the black Liberty or the gray or any other color, but not the blue."
Sandy looked from Seth to Ryan, back to Seth
"Seth, calm down. What's wrong with the blue. I thought you really liked the blue."
"Yah, that was before Ryan pointed out that it looked like Luke's truck. I don't want to have anything that looks like anything Luke has."
Ryan, who was looking about as guilty as he felt, especially with the look he was getting from Sandy, tried to back peddle and told Seth,
"I mean, it's not like Luke's truck. I just meant the color was really cool. I mean, you've got to admit that Luke does have a cool looking truck. The color's not too dark and not too light, but yours is nothing like Luke's truck. No one will confuse you two or your trucks. Just get the blue one. It'll be cool. Um, I think I'll go take a fast shower and change."
Making a quick exit, he saw that Sandy and Seth were still talking, and he also saw that from the look on Sandy's face, he'd also be talking to Sandy soon enough.
Lucky for everyone, especially Ryan, Seth could never hold a grudge against him for very long, so by the time they got to the Lighthouse for dinner, Seth was in high spirits and ready to be the center of attention for the night. Summer joined them for dinner, and they all seemed to have a really good time.
For dessert, everyone remotely associated with the restaurant sang Happy Birthday to Seth. Anything for the boss's son, thought Ryan. He knew what most of them thought of Seth. All the times he blew off his shifts, and when he did show up, he wasn't exactly going for employee of the month. The people who worked at the Lighthouse only came to Newport to work. They needed their jobs. They didn't have the life of privilege that Seth had.
After dessert, Seth opened his presents. Clothes from Summer, naturally, since she's always trying to change his style. Ryan got him CD's. Seth had given him a list of like six that he wanted. What he didn't expect was that Ryan got him all 6. Sandy and Kirsten gave him more clothes, a game for play station, a wallet and a key chain for the car. Grandpa Caleb gave him money. He always gave money. It's easier, and Seth liked getting money.
After dinner, Seth and Summer decided to go have a more private birthday celebration. They invited Ryan to go, but he knew they were only being polite. He could tell by the look in Summer's eyes that the rest of Seth's "gift" wasn't for Ryan to share. Since he and Marissa were only dating on and off, he had figured on calling Luke and hanging out with him. Unfortunately, Sandy and Kirsten had other ideas. As they were leaving, Kirsten reminded Seth to be careful and be home by midnight and then turned to Ryan and said,
"Ok, how about some play station? Or maybe a movie? Hay, maybe we could talk?"
Ryan didn't mean to roll his eyes, but the thought. He just shrugged and said,
"I'd thought I'd just hang, maybe see what Luke was up to. I don't need to work till the dinner shift tomorrow night."
Unfortunately, Sandy put his arm around him and said,
"Nah. You've hung out with Luke enough for one week. Tonight, my friend, you are stuck with the folks. Make the most of it."
When they got home, Ryan figured play station would be the safest bet to keep Sandy and Kirsten from wanting to "talk." He had managed to avoid talking to Sandy since the afternoon, and really wanted to keep it that way. They were so into talking, about feelings, and dreams, and desires, and about anything that came to mind. Even after almost a year, Ryan didn't get it. He hated to talk. He never quite believed all they were saying. So play station was most definitely the safest bet to keep the talking to a minimum. Kirsten was as fierce about winning at play station as Seth, and the more she made fun of Sandy's ability, the more competitive Sandy became. It's not that he wanted to pit them against each other, but it beat having to talk. It worked just as Ryan had hoped. Shortly after ten, Kirsten and Sandy were really into their Ninja battle, and Ryan was able to slip out to the pool house without them noticing.
The rest of the week was pretty quiet. Ryan worked Thursday and Friday. Seth worked Thursday and found a reason not to work Friday. They also hung out on the beach, or went sailing, or when Seth was with Summer, Ryan hung out with Luke.
On Saturday, Ryan decided to try to sleep in. He knew that Sandy had arranged for him and Seth to both have off from work so Ryan could go with them to pick up Seth's new car. As he sat up in bed, he realized that he was really dreading today. He hated to be jealous, but he couldn't help it. Sandy and Kirsten had been referring to themselves as Ryan's parents and Seth as his brother for months now. Still Ryan couldn't help but think that all that talk about Ryan and Seth being brothers, being equal was just talk. Everyone would see it, too. Seth would go back to school in a new car, and Ryan would still be on his bicycle. He'd be the only senior at Harbor without his own car. Ryan's birthday was a week away, and although he kept telling himself that he wouldn't accept it, he secretly wished Sandy and Kirsten would ask him what kind of car he would want. But they didn't. Not one word. It was the topic of conversation for pretty much most of the summer that Seth was getting a car the day he turned seventeen. But no one asked Ryan what he wanted. No one picked up car catalogs for him, or offered to take him for any test drives. And as much as this really bothered Ryan, what bothered Ryan even more was that no one mentioned what he did for his sixteenth birthday, and how that changed everybody's lives. No one mentioned what a difference a year could make.
Seth came flying into the pool house at that point, leaping onto Ryan's bed and jumping up and down,
"Come on, man, get up, get dressed, let's go.. Car's ready. Need to get there early so we can hit the beach. Drive up and down the strand, showing off the new wheels. Come on, let's go.."
"Damn it, Seth, get off my friggin' bed. I'm coming, I'm coming. Just give me like 10 minutes to take a fast shower, and get dressed."
"Ok - you have nine and a half minutes. Meet you inside." And then Seth was off.
15 minutes later, Ryan was dressed and in the kitchen listening to Seth's ramblings. He was trying to get excited for Seth. He figured it wouldn't take him too long to talk Seth into letting him borrow the car. It wasn't a Wrangler, but it was better then constantly asking Sandy and Kirsten for their keys. He did have about a grand saved from working at the Lighthouse. Ryan knew he really needed to save for his future, but maybe he could buy himself something used. Hopefully by the end of the summer, he could afford something half way decent. He would need some kind of car after he turned eighteen next year, and the Cohens no longer needed to feel responsible for him.
Ryan sat quietly in the back seat on the drive to the dealership. It was real easy to do, considering Seth was talking more then usual, and for Seth, that was saying a lot. Ryan was so wrapped in his thoughts, though, he didn't see the constant looks from Sandy in the rear view mirror. Sandy was nervous. Not about Seth getting his car, but what he had asked the dealer to do. He was trying to be slick and sly, and he knew he'd get away with it with Seth, but Ryan. Well, nothing seems to get past Ryan. As they pulled in the dealership, Seth started jumping up in his seat,
"Ryan, Ryan, look, it's right there. Right out front. It's just waiting for us to hope in and go wild!! Dad, hurry up, park the car. Park any where. Just stop the car."
As they got out of the car, Ryan had to admit to himself that the Liberty was a pretty nice car. It wasn't what Ryan would call the coolest car he'd ever seen, but Seth wasn't exactly the coolest kid he'd ever known. Seth was definitely a Jeep Liberty type of guy, Ryan thought with a smile. But then he saw it. It was just sitting a few feet away from Seth's Liberty. There sat the hottest Flame Red Jeep Wrangler he had ever seen. He tried to be casual and see if Seth or Sandy noticed it to. He had hoped for a surprise Happy Birthday. But no one said anything. Since Seth was the only one he'd ever mentioned a Wrangler to, he figured no one even noticed the cruel irony of it all. Just a few feet away from Seth's dream car was his. But Seth's dream was coming true, and once again, Ryan was left only wanting and wishing.
Sandy quickly handed the keys to Seth and told them both that they could take off and have fun. He said he had some remaining paperwork he needed to finish. He'd see them at home for dinner. He saw the envy and pain and excitement in Ryan's eyes when he saw the Wrangler. He knew that it was what Ryan wanted, and would have loved more then anything to just hand Ryan the keys and say Happy Birthday son. But since he never knew what Ryan's reaction would be, he figured it would still be best to present Ryan's gift to him next weekend, for his birthday.
As he watched Seth and Ryan climb into Seth's Liberty and take off, he turned to the dealer, and said,
"Ok. Now about the Wrangler. Remember, I want both the hard and soft tops, and I'll be back next Saturday to pick it up. You will take another check, right?"
As the week went by, Ryan got more and more quiet and withdrawn. He tried not to be home as much as possible. He was at the restaurant all the time, agreeing to work as many double shifts as possible. When he wasn't working, he was hanging out with Luke, or hiding in the pool house. He just couldn't believe that the family who just loved to talk about everything under the sun still had not mentioned how different this year was from last, and what it meant to Ryan.
On Friday morning, Ryan hid in the pool house until he was sure everyone had left for work. He knew Sandy threatened Seth already with losing the car if Seth blew off another shift at the restaurant, so he knew Seth was gone. He figured Kirsten was already at the Newport Group and Sandy was at the law office. He figured he could relax, have breakfast and chill in the pool alone for a while. He figured wrong. As he walked into the kitchen he saw Kirsten and Sandy sitting at the bar.
Kirsten noticed him first,
"Good morning lazy. Enjoying your last day of sweet sixteen? We have two bagels left - do you want plain or poppy?"
"Um, not really that hungry. Just thought I'd get some coffee."
"Ok, plain it is. With cream cheese. I have your OJ right here, and coffee is still in the pot."
Kirsten was never one for taking no for an answer, especially from one of her boys.
"I thought you guys had to work today? Did I miss a holiday or something?"
Ryan had hoped that they would be leaving soon, but knew better. He knew that they wanted to talk.
Sandy handed him a piece of paper, and said,
"Well, I know this isn't really a birthday present, but I thought you might like to see this."
As Ryan opened the paper, Sandy could see that it didn't register completely with him.
"It's been a year. Well, almost a year. Your probation is ending. Rachel from my office has been filing all the necessary paperwork so you'll be a free man. No more threats of violating your probation. Not that you can go off and commit some crime, mind you. But at least that part of your life will be behind you."
Sandy wanted so badly to add that this was the last reminder of Ryan's life in Chino. Nothing would make Sandy, Kirsten or Seth happier then for Ryan to leave behind every last piece of his life in Chino, but they knew that was not possible. Since Ryan barely talked about his life in Chino, they didn't even know how he felt about it. Once in a while he would mention something, in passing and very quickly. They had no idea if there had been any happier times in Chino for Ryan, but Sandy definitely knew about all the abuse. He had seen Ryan's file after Ryan's arrest, and it was heart breaking. All of that ended, however, on the night of Ryan's sixteenth birthday.
As Ryan sat down at the table, Kirsten walked over to him, handed him his bagel and said,
"I know this all must still seem really weird to you. I know that so much has changed in this past year. I mean, this time last year, you were still in Chino with Dawn and Trey. We've never asked what happened last year. We never asked why Trey would take you out on your sixteenth birthday to show you how to steal a car, or how you felt about spending that night in juvie. But a year does make a big difference. If you'd like to talk about it now, we'd like to listen."
Ryan should have known they would know. He should have known they would have never missed the irony of last year's events. And for some reason, he felt guilty. Really guilty. He started talking, down at his bagel, but at least he started talking,
"You know, I didn't think you knew. But I guess you would have to know. Sandy would have it in his file when my birthday was and of course, the date I was arrested. I, uh, kind of figured, you'd just never care enough to make the connection."
Quickly, Ryan started reliving the day's events as if it had been only yesterday and not a year ago,
" I got my license earlier that day. Trey took me in Dawn's car. Obviously, I passed. By the time we got home, Dawn and AJ were pretty wasted so Trey and I decided to go out. Dawn's car had no gas, and we had no money so we had to walk. One thing led to another and Trey figured since I was now old enough to drive, I was old enough to 'borrow' my own cars. And the rest, as they say, is history.."
Ryan knew they were staring at him, even though he was still talking to his bagel, he could feel them staring at him. Suddenly, he felt Kirsten's hand on his back,
"Ryan, look at us..." "Now, Ryan" Her voice was gentle, but firm.
Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat, and looked up at them. He expected to see pity in their eyes. Both of them. Pity for the charity case.
Sandy spoke first,
"Ryan, of course we knew. We've always known. Just like we know that you don't like talking about it. We are trying to respect the fact that you don't like talking about your past. We haven't pushed the issue of the therapist, even though we still think it would be good for you, because we respect the fact that you don't want to talk. But Ryan, don't you ever think we don't care enough about any part of your life, whether it's your past, your present or your future. We are your parents. Maybe we weren't last year, but we are this year, and we will be next year and the year after that and every year after that till we're so old and feeble, that you and Seth have to spoon feed us."
They both gave Ryan a chance to fully understand what they are trying to get through to him before Kirsten continued,
"What happened back then doesn't effect the way we feel about you now. That was last year and this is this year. Please try to remember that you can always talk to us. No matter what. That doesn't mean we will always like what you say. We're parents, we're not supposed to like everything a teenager says or does. But we will be there for you, always. Ok?"
Kirsten always knew when Ryan had enough emotional talks, and figured it was time to change the subject,
"And speaking of talking, you have yet to tell us what is on your birthday list. It is tomorrow, and you've never said a word. I know you're not Seth, who added to his list daily, but there must be something you would like. And I swear, if you say that you don't need or want anything, you'll be grounded for your birthday. That I can promise."
"Honestly, Kirsten, I really didn't think about it. I'm not used to getting gifts. Christmakkuh was weird enough but at least everyone was getting something. Birthdays are just weird. I'm sorry, I'm just not used to getting any kind of special attention. Usually the attention I got was not good, and usually resulted in a beating of some sort from someone."
Ryan couldn't believe he said it. He figured they knew about the beatings and the abuse, but he still hated to bring it up to them, especially Kirsten. She usually looked away when he talked about it. Afraid to look him in the face, show him the pity she really felt for him.
Not this time, though. This time, she seemed to accept it, and continued,
"Well, then just what you wanted to do on a beautiful summer day - shopping with your mother. How fun. I'll take you to lunch, and you can pick out some stuff you'd like. Hurry and finish your bagel so we can get going."
"Um, don't you have to work today? I mean, isn't there some meetings or something about the new development? I have to be at work at like 3 so maybe we can make it another time."
Ryan hated the mall to begin with, and the idea of hanging out shopping with Kirsten was not high on his list of things he wanted to do. It was too weird.
"Well, no I don't have to work today. I took the day off. And as for your shift, Seth is working it. After a summer of you covering for him, it's time for him to cover for you. So now you have all day and all tomorrow off. I promise, if you behave at the mall today, and pick some nice stuff out for yourself, I'll let you decide how you want to spend tomorrow. However, if you give me any more grief about not wanting anything, I will make you go back to the mall with me tomorrow."
Ryan was never sure if Kirsten even realized just how motherly she sounded.
He liked it. He liked motherly Kirsten. He actually started to like the idea of picking some stuff out for himself. He did like having some stuff of his own. After a life time of Trey's hand me downs, and even a year of borrowing from Seth, he really did like the idea having stuff of his own.
Sandy quietly watched the exchange between the two, and realized again how much he truly loved Kirsten. He also realized how much Ryan truly loved her and needed her. He hoped everything registered with Ryan, and that he believed what they told him. He figured he'd attempt the next step.
"Oh man, Ry. Make your mother happy. I had plans for us tomorrow, and believe me, it ain't at the mall! Pick out some stuff and let your mother pick out some stuff, and then you'll be free tomorrow!"
"Plans for tomorrow? What kind of plans? I thought I had the choice. If it's surfing, forget. I told you before, I don't know how to surf and I'm too old to try. Don't you have to work? Is Seth the only one making any money for this family today?" Ryan still found it very hard to read Sandy sometimes.
Sandy just laughed, "Yah, kid. I'm off to defend the rich and spoiled. And as for tomorrow, well, that's for tomorrow. Today you are stuck making your mother happy. Tomorrow, it's my turn. And no, it's not surfing. I've given up hope that either one of my kids would see the benefits and pure joy of surfing. Enjoy the mall."
Ryan actually had a good time with Kirsten at the mall, although he'd never admit it. Seth had always said shopping with the parentals was like eating a brillo pad. But Seth had seventeen years of unappreciated shopping trips. Ryan was still trying to get used to it, so he liked it. He picked out some clothes, new sneakers, some CDs. He tried to stay within the limits of what he saw Seth get.
He heard what they said to him this morning. And as much as he wanted it to be true, he was still afraid. Afraid they would change their minds. As bad as it sounded, especially with Kirsten spending all this money on him at the mall, there was still no talk about a car. He knew he couldn't accept one, but if they really wanted him to believe that they were now his parents, why give one to Seth and completely over look him? He knew he was being selfish and petty and childish, and he should really appreciate what they did give him but still..
The next morning, Ryan got up around 9, and showered. Whatever Sandy had planned for him, he never said. Ryan was still trying to figure it out when Sandy came into the pool house.
"Hay, you're up. Good you're dressed. Everyone's waiting. Let's eat. I'd like to hit the road by 10. Oh, and Happy Birthday, son."
"Hit the road by 10? Where are we going?"
Ryan really hated surprises. Surprises were usually bad.
Sandy wasn't going to give it up. He was too excited about the surprise, but was also still very unsure of Ryan's reaction.
"Well, all I will tell you is that it's not Chino, or the police station or juvie, or any where else you spent your last birthday. New year, new birthday, now let's go.."
At the breakfast table, Ryan got the same happy birthdays and birthday breakfast that Seth got 10 days earlier, and by 10am, Sandy was rushing him out the door, leaving a very annoyed Seth demanding to know why he couldn't come to. Sandy tried to tell him that he and Seth went out alone on Seth's birthday, and today it was Ryan's turn, hoping Seth would catch on, without Ryan catching on.
As they sat in the car together, going who knows where, Sandy seemed to be getting more and more nervous which made Ryan more and more apprehensive.
"Ok, Sandy, unless you want me to jump from a speeding car, you will tell me where we are going. I don't like surprises. Come on, tell me. PLEASE."
Sandy took a deep breath before beginning,
"Well, ok. As much as Kirsten and I want to treat you boys the same, we know that you aren't. With Seth, everything is pretty black and white. He knows what he wants, and he's not afraid to ask for it. He has plans for everything. It's not always a good thing, but that's the way he is. With you, well, it's definitely not black and white with you. If you want something, you don't ask. You never ask. We know that you may never ask. So most times, we have to figure it out on our own. I'm just hoping this time, we got it right."
"Got what right?"
Now Ryan was getting nervous. What did they do? Sandy still didn't answer his question. If it wasn't Chino, or any reminders of his past, and no new car, where were they going and why wouldn't Sandy say anything?
"Got this right.." Sandy said as he pulled into the Jeep dealer again.
There sitting in the same spot as Seth's Jeep Liberty the week before was the red Jeep Wrangler that Ryan had eyed on that day.
"No. I. You. Can't. Not Right. Why?"
Ryan knew he wasn't making any sense, but he was overwhelmed. Completely and totally overwhelmed. He just sat in the car, not wanting to move. He was too excited about what he thought was the best present he could ever imagine. Not just the car, but that Ryan really was as important to them as Seth. Even as Sandy got out of the car and met up with the salesman, Ryan still sat in the car. He didn't hear the conversation between Sandy and the salesman. He only saw the salesman point to the car and Sandy point to him. Ryan just couldn't bring himself to believe, and therefore, he just couldn't get out of the car. After what seemed like forever, Sandy walked back to the BMW, opened the passenger side of the car, and handed Ryan a set of keys.
"Ok, now you can get out of my car. Yours is over there. You need to remember a few rules. First, if you don't go home and get Seth, he will never let you forget it. Second, it may be your birthday, but you're still stuck with us for dinner. So be home by 6:00. Third, you have to tell your mother about any tickets you get. And believe me, you aren't going to want to tell her that, so I strongly recommend that you get no tickets."
Ryan felt the tears in his eyes and knew that if he looked up, looked at Sandy or even looked at the car, he would lose it. So he looked at the keys in his hand, and talked to them,
"Um, ok, thanks. Get Seth, home by 6 and no tickets. Um, I. Sandy. How?"
Sandy just smiled. He knew Ryan was over whelmed, but he also knew Ryan was extremely happy.
"Well, Ryan, my boy, you aren't as slick as you may think. You told Seth last week that a red Jeep Wrangler was really cool. I also saw the look on your face last week. I saw how much this car would mean to you. That despite not saying a word, this was the car for you. So, when we came for Seth's car, I ordered yours. It's your seventeenth birthday. Deal's a deal. For you as well as Seth. Now, I seriously doubt you want to spend your birthday in the parking lot of a car dealership talking to your old man. Remember, home by 6, otherwise I have to deal with your mother. And if I have to deal with your mother, I get to take the car away..already.."
Ryan watched as Sandy got into the BMW, and drive away from the dealership before walking over to the Jeep. His Jeep. As he sat behind the wheel, he couldn't help but smile. God, what a difference a year makes.