Drunken Missions,

By Ealinesse.

__________

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Final Fantasy series - characters, items, ideas, nothing. I do not claim to. I bet when it all comes down to it, I don't even own that lousy video tape…

Summary: You ever wondered why the Turks couldn't defeat Avalanche? They can't even infiltrate their own headquarters for one lousy video tape without the world crumbling down around them. Literally.

Warnings: Language, Attempted Humour, Periodic OOC, Random Points of Absolute Madness... (did I mention attempted humour?)

* * * * * * * * * *

Chapter Three (of three).

* * * * * * * * * *

Reno rushed around the corner in a blind rage, expecting to see any number of strange things explaining the choking smoke. Behind him, he could hear the heavy breathing of his partner in crime, Rude, as he followed closely with him, anxiety written clearly in the lines on his face. As they skidded to a halt around the bend, Reno let his eyes widen of their own accord as he took in the wholly unexpected sight.

"What are you doing!"

Elena looked up from the smouldering pile of molten linoleum and plastic, a benign sort of smile fixed onto her face. Even from the couple-or-so metres he stood away from her, Reno could see how her eyes were slightly glazed, complexion a little pale. He personally knew that concussion could be as infamous as alcohol in temporarily altering a person's persona, but this was definitely pushing the line.

"Elena?" he tried.

"Destroying the tape," the blonde replied, and it seemed to him as if to her it was, at that moment, the most reasonable-sounding thing in the world.

Reno felt that if his eyes opened any wider, his eyeballs would fall out. "In here?" he asked slowly. "In a Shinra lobby, where there are smoke detectors, and guards, and sprinklers!"

Elena's expression quickly changed from one of satisfaction to comprehension. "Oh," was all she said, but it was more than enough to convince Reno that she was definitely not in her right mind. It wasn't often that Elena didn't have something to say for herself.

"What were you thinking!"

A deep crimson blush swept onto the blonde's face as she scuffed her toe nervously on the ground like a scolded child. "Well… I guess I kind of… wasn't."

"Obviously."

Elea's face gained a childishly hopeful expression, far from the dignified woman that she liked to portray herself to be. Reno chalked that one up to the concussion, too.

"But if the alarms haven't gone off already, then there's a good chance they won't, right?"

Reno sighed and rubbed a weary hand across his face. He was about to say something entirely sarcastic, and no the slightest bit optimistic, when a painfully familiar ringing sound made him jump. His heart doing overtime in his chest at the fright, Reno looked up and around the corridor, trying to spot the offending alarm. Rude, apparently, bet him to it.

A loud bang accompanied by the solid jingle of metal reverberating off metal rang throughout the long, empty hallway. Reno turned to his partner, and eyed the gun in his hand appraisingly.

"Nice shot."

Rude shrugged. "…"

However, Reno's elation at the silenced alarm didn't last long. Somewhere off in the distance another alarm began to chime, then another, and another, until a whole chorus of them were ringing, Reno had little doubt, throughout the entire building. He muttered some very not-nice words before turning back to the other Turks. "Are you happy now, Elena?"

Elena visibly winced. "Oops."

Reno snickered. "Oops is right." He cast a quick glance around the empty hallway before turning back to the smouldering pile of rubble on the ground. "Is that still going, or is it just smoking?"

Elena made a show of kneeling beside the rather obtrusive smudge on the floor, though Reno doubted she could actually see anything but a blur. "Uh…"

"No," Rude cut in. "It's merely hot."

"Good," Reno replied. "Last thing we need is to have the entire place burn down just because Elena got a little trigger-happy with the Fire Materia and went pyro on our ass."

Elena snorted, oddly enough, but otherwise there was no outward reaction to the comment.

"Jeez… tough crowd these days, huh, Reno? Was he this stiff when he had hair? You know, Rude, premature balding is-"

"Eh heh… Elena," Reno warned in a sing-song voice, seeing Rude's eyebrows begin to draw together. "Not a good time to ask about that, really…" Reno looked at his partner, watching with idle anxiety the telltale signs of him getting really mad. He winced. Rude was only sensitive to two subjects: beer, and his hair. Elena had just been stupid enough to trigger the worst one. He leaned in toward Elena as Rude watched on coldly, and whispered, "I know you're concussed, okay? But from now on, if you think of something like that to say again… just, well… don't fuckin' say it. We've got enough things to worry about without wondering whether ol' Rude here is going to try and break our necks."

When he received no confirmation that the blonde had even heard him, he looked up at her. "Elena?" he asked. "Elena?" She didn't answer. He scowled, and as he looked into her eyes fro a second time, he realised why. He turned to Rude, who for all intents and purposes seemed to be glaring daggers at Elena, though it wasn't really working. Probably due to the dark, mirrored sunglasses covering his eyes.

"Oh, for Chrissake," Reno muttered, and reached up and swiped the sunglasses from Rude's face, revealing a glare of cold brown eyes. When he heard the expected gasp from Elena, he replaced the glasses to their previous resting spot as Rude merely continued to stand there. He stepped away from Rude and scowled. "Right. Now that you've had your chance to glare, and you've had your chance to crap your pants," he said to them both, "can we consider the issue a moot point? I do not want to be here when the entire Shinra guard arrive to find out what's going on, and have to explain all of this," he swept an arm around in the air, "to them."

As if by magic, the two seemed to come out of their red haze. Rude broke off the glare first, and began to walk away down the corridor, whereas Elena stood there for a few more moments before following quite a distance behind. Watching them leave, Reno shook his head and started down the corridor also. "Like a fucking dysfunctional family, we are," he murmured. "Can't bloody take us anywhere…"

* * * * *

If someone was speaking to him, he'd never know. If someone came up and fairly yelled in his ear as loud as they could, he'd never know. In fact, the only reason he knew that Elena was speaking to him was because each supposed word was punctuated by a finger being jabbed at his shoulder. Every now and then the blonde would point emphatically at the elevator doors they were now standing right beside. She looked angry. He safely assumed she was wondering all of a sudden why the elevator doors were locked.

Reno rolled his eyes emphatically, did some yelling and pointing of his own, then stomped his foot. Elena, he saw quickly, yelled back just as fast. He didn't hear a single word she said; hell, he hadn't even heard what he'd said. He sighed, basic communication skills down to a minimum as the chorus of alarms ringing in the sixty-first floor's lobby drowned out everything they were saying. He frowned, realising that to get his point across he was going to have to keep it plain and simple.

He rose to the occasion and indulged; he ripped the fingers at the furious blonde.

The next thing Reno knew Elena was diving at him, fists in the air, ready to pounce. At least, that was before he felt a rough hand grab at his collar, saw another equally large hand grab at Elena's, and felt himself being dragged by the scruff of the neck across the floor.

Suddenly, all went dark, then light again just as quickly, and he was none-too gently let go. Reno blinked, looked up at Rude, around at their surroundings briefly, then turned back to Rude. He made a point of ignoring Elena completely. "Oh-kay," he said slowly, realising gladly at once that the extent of the alarms didn't quite reach this far. Suddenly, it was possible to think again, as well as speak. "Would you like to tell me why in the hell you just chucked us into a janitor's cupboard, or shall I leave that open to a rather embarrassing interpretation for you?"

Rude, whose expression hadn't lightened since Elena's earlier comments, shrugged. "Thought you might like to know that there were guards coming."

Elena's face paled. "Did they see us?"

"No."

"We're safe, then?"

"We can't leave this cupboard without them spotting us."

"Great," muttered Elena. "I see Reno's gotten us into another fine mess-"

"It wasn't me who decided it would be fun to play hide-and-go-seek with a couple-hundred Shinra guards, rookie!" Reno, who knew Elena couldn't remember the fuss she had kicked up before about even leaving his apartment, smirked. "And besides, you didn't have to come."

This silenced the blonde, and Reno's smug expression deepened. Their twin glares were both interrupted by the sight of Rude removing his shirt. Reno merely donned a puzzled expression, but Elena's face dissolved into a deep red blush as her eyes stuck on the bald Turk's heavily muscled torso.

Reno shook his head. "You know, buddy, you're only giving me fuel for the fire here for as to why you dragged Elena nd I into this cupboard. At the rate you're going, I won't even have to make anything up…"

Rude scowled. "Disguises are necessary to get us out of this place. Here," Rude, from somewhere in the cramped confines of the cleaning cupboard, had managed to procure a handful of janitorial coveralls. "Put these on."

Reno stared at he uniforms with a blank expression for a few moments. Any joy he should have felt at the rather impromptu destruction of the bullshit tape was quickly extinguished. This had quickly changed from a merely fun excursion, into a mission of the utmost stealth and survival, and he was damned if he was going to get caught out now. He felt a slow grin from across in face; this was definitely warming him up to get back into the swing of things. What was one more challenge?

"All right," he said finally, snatching a uniform from the pile in Rude's hand, and indicating for Elena to do the same. "If that's what it takes for us to get out of here." He noticed that Elena didn't look too happy about the arrangement, but apart from a few comments on the smell, she stayed silent.

Five minutes later, three Turks-turned-janitors were fully dressed in the appropriate cleaning ensemble, a roughly patched duffle bag by their feet holding their discarded Turk uniforms. Reno picked up the sack and threw it carelessly over his shoulder, looking reprovingly at his partners - Rude especially. "Isn't there a larger pair of pants?" he asked after a moment. "If I look close enough, I can see your fucking ankles." When Rude shook his head, Reno merely lifted an eyebrow. He was about to recommend a solution to the problem, when Elena spoke up beside them.

"Reno, why the hell were the elevators locked when we tried to get into the?"

"Reno bit his lip. He'd forgotten about that bit. "The smoke alarms," he answered shortly. "They have an electronic uplink to the elevators and the sprinklers on each floor. If there's a fire, the smoke alarms are set off, and so the elevators are shut down to prevent damage to both the lifts, and people should someone get stuck in one. High-level codes will get us into them, but…"

"Then why don't we enter ours in? Surely Turk codes would be enough to get us access to them?"

"Not unless we want to alert the entire office that we're here."

Elena frowned in confusion. "Haven't we done that anyway? Scarlett and Hojo have seen us, by the looks of things, those guards have… and surely there are cameras!"

Reno grinned, shaking his head. "Scarlett and Hojo won't tell - or else I'll enlighten Rufus as to why they're here so late, as well. And as for cameras… do you really think Scarlett and Heidegger want evidence that they've been, uh, exploring their differences in the building?"

Elena paled. "But-"

"The cameras go off at night, Elena. End of story."

"How do you know all of this?"

"He's snuck in a few times before, himself," Rude interjected. "Don't ask why. I'm not going to tell you."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Elena muttered. "So we can't go in the elevators, otherwise it'll record that we were the ones that overrode the system?"

"Or the front door."

"What! How are we supposed to get out?"

"At the moment it will be restricted access only, especially with those alarms going off. If we go right up to the front entry door, or any other on the ground, use our Turk codes while we're wearing this - or at all - we'll be checked out. No, we go to our offices first, and then see what's going on. We'll have a better view of what's going on from out windows, anyway."

Elena rubbed a hand over her face. "So if we can't go down the elevators, and we can't exit through the ground floor's doors, then how else are we supposed to get back to your place? We may have a car hidden in the nearby park, but it's no use to us if we can't even get out of the building!"

Oddly enough, after a short silence, it was Rude who answered this. "The stairs," he said simply, but to Elena those two words were enough to make her eyes fairly pop out of her head. "They don't require a code."

"The what!"

"The stairs," Reno repeated. "You know, the things you walk up or down to-"

"I know what stairs are!"

"Well then-"

"But there's fifty-seven floors of stairs to descend to even get to our offices, let alone the bottom floor!"

Reno smirked. "Very clever. Did basic math come under the same subscription as 'how to attract over three hundred Shinra guards in five seconds' in your rather brief Turk training, or did you just improvise when you got to that part?" His only answer was a dull murmur of curses. He snorted. "You're going to what?" he exclaimed in mock-innocence. "But, Elena, I don't have a mother…"

"I know that!"

"Then why-"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Reno allowed his face an expression of abject horror before leaning over and patting the blonde Turk comfortingly on the shoulder. "It's okay, Elena," he said. "You may see three of me right now, but you don't have to say it once to each head." And he walked straight passed her to the door and turned the handle, knowing that if the situation called for it Rude would do the restraining.

"I'm gonna kill him," he heard from behind him, and the beginnings of his hidden grin only widened.

"Take a number and get in line, 'Laney," he retorted before peeking out into the sixty-first floor's lobby again, bag draped effortlessly over his shoulder. When he saw the coast was clear, he left the cupboard. Some days being an asshole with arsenic for a tongue was so much fun…

* * * * *

… And then again, sometimes it wasn't. Reno took the next step with decreasing enthusiasm as the bag grew ever-heavier, the alarms ever-louder, and his patience ever-thinner. He was seriously beginning to think that this whole thing had been a very bad idea, and he found that strange in itself. It wasn't often he was punished for destroying something like that abomination. But then again, it wasn't often he infiltrated his own headquarters for said abomination, either.

Reno looked up at the doorway as they reached another landing. They'd only just reached the top of the fifty-eighth floor, and he was already screwed. And he'd been stupid enough to begin a count. Forty steps in between each floor, and fifty-four floors to go. Reno sighed, doing some quick calculations in his head. Forty multiplied by fifty-four was, well… lots, his semi-sober brain informed him imperiously.

He looked at his watch. 4:24 am. Shit. He was already at Shinra, but by the looks of things, the rate they were walking they were still going to be late…

"Great," he muttered, again unable to hear anything over the noise of the continuous clanging of the alarms. "You know what would also be good? I am just waiting for the fucking sprinklers to go on."

Rude, who must have seen Reno's lips moving, looked at his questioningly.

"Nothing," he yelled over the din. "Nothing!"

Exactly three minutes and two seconds later, another four-and-a-half floors down, the sprinklers indulged in his earlier ministrations.

Reno felt his previously calm acceptance go right out the window. This wasn't going according to plan. Right now he was supposed to be sitting quite happily at home, nursing a nice, cold beer in his hands. Yet so far tonight, he'd broken into his own office, been visually assaulted by sunshine and lollypops, not to mention Scarletts growing ass, been attacked by a hoard of falling cassette tapes, been branded by one of them, had an attempt on his life by his trainee, stripped down and roleplayed a janitor with his partner and said trainee, and embarked on what was probably the biggest-ever fitness routine of his life. Of course, he thought sardonically, why not add death by hypothermia or drowning into the mix, and see where it takes me.

His two partners, it seemed, shared his sentiments, and though Rude seemed outwardly unaffected by the chill of the suddenly heavy artificial downpour, Reno could tell he was getting annoyed. And fair enough, too, he thought. It must be annoying to have to wipe at your glasses like that every five seconds. Too bad he's so dependant on them, he snickered.

Elena's response to the sprinkler's was more forthcoming, her blame neatly placed even though she had been the one to cause this particular upset. Reno watched as, nostrils flaring, Elena dived for him in what must have been her third attempt to kill him that night. However, it was far from third-time's-a-charm as the blonde's swing went wide, and Reno sidestepped the attack, leaving her to recover for herself.

He expected her to stop when she didn't make contact, expected her to stumble a little at the very least. What he hadn't expected, though, was for her to go barrelling down the remaining stairs to the next landing.

Reno couldn't help a brief shout of startlement as he watched, in almost slow motion, the blonde slip on the suddenly water-slick concrete. As her feet slipped out from underneath her, Elena landed squarely on her backside before gravity finally took hold and sent her tumbling to the base of the steps. When it was finally over, Reno looked back at Rude, who sent him a look that clearly said 'I thought you had her', before bolting to meet up with the fallen Turk.

Reno skidded to a halt beside Elena and crouched carefully on the sodden concrete. When she didn't move at his arrival, he quickly reached for her neck and felt for a pulse; it was strong and steady, if somewhat accelerated. Satisfied that se was merely unconscious, he watched as Rude also proceeded to look her over. After a moment Rude looked back up at him with a raised eyebrow, and tapped his head ever-so briefly.

"Again?" Reno exclaimed, and leaned down to take a look. "Shit!"

Rude merely nodded, thought Reno seriously doubted what he'd said had been heard.

They sat there for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. Neither particularly relished the idea of carting Elena down the stars. Shortly thereafter, though, hazy chocolate eyes opened and looked up at the two of them, and they looked on as Elena struggled into a sitting position. Her mouth opened and she said something inaudible over all of the racket, but by the way she was looking at them she was asking them something.

Reno shrugged and tapped his ear, pointed at her head, twirled his arms in the air to indicate something rolling, then smacked his own head lightly and pointed at the concrete wall she was leaning against. He watched as Elena seemed to consider this for a moment before saying something else.

"Oh, for…"

Elena shook her head, then tapped her own head lightly, and shrugged.

"Oh," he said. He covered Elena's eyes with one hand for a few seconds before taking it away again. He watched closely, eyeing her pupils as they reacted to the light. He frowned and sat back, lifting a single finger in the air. "How many?"

She seemed to understand, and held up three fingers of her own.

Reno snickered and patted her on the shoulder. "You're all good," he said, and switched his gesture to that of a thumbs-up. He reached out a hand as Rude did the same, and helped her to her rather unsteady feet. "Of course, at the rate you're going, you're gonna be Shinra's first-ever brain-damaged Turk…"

Oddly enough, at that very moment, he was glad of the alarms. If Elena had heard that comment, no matter how incapacitated she currently was, he had little doubt she'd find a way to kick his ass. No one liked to be called accident prone by the one person in the entire building that had the largest number of ACC claims in recorded history.

* * * * *

Progress was a lot slower from that point on. Elena was a lot less steady on her feet, and was depending heavily on the two of them to help her down the stairs. Every now and then the two of them had to stop and readjust her position, or shake her a little to keep her awake. Reno knew how hard it must be for her, thought, despite it all. Hell, they'd been traversing these stairs for just under an hours, and it was now nearly 5:30 am, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his eyes open.

A short while later, they reached yet another landing, and this time Reno forced out of his mind the monotonous pattern of descending stairs, and looked up. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," he scowled. They were currently on the third floor - he'd miscalculated their destination by one. "Okay, ladies and gentlemen," he said more to himself than the others. "Time to turn around."

Rude looked up, snorted, and helped Reno to swing the unresisting blonde around. "Oops."

Reno stopped dead, not so much at the uncharacteristic statement his partner had made, but that he'd heard it at all. When had the alarms stopped? Leviathan only knew the ringing in his head had yet to cease, never mind the headache that had nothing to do with his hangover…

"When did-"

"About twenty minutes ago."

Reno blinked and resumed walking, ignoring the steady ached of his leaden legs. "Well I'll be… I s'pose it'd be too much to ask for the sprinklers to stop?"

"Hn."

"Figures."

Five minutes later three very bedraggled Turks stepped out into the fourth floor lobby. Reno allowed himself a tenuous smile as he looked over the familiar surroundings, and happily, the door not twenty metres away; gateway to the Turk Offices. He sighed in relief as he noticed the sudden lack of sprinklers - their floor was dry - and though he shuddered at the implications that meant for them in the instance of a fire, and that it was probably one-hundred percent deliberate, he couldn't help the grin that sauntered across his face.

"Home free at last," he muttered, and began to head toward the long-awaited room. There were no guards in sight - they were probably all searching for the source of the alarms - and no one else had clearance to be on this floor this late. The fourth floor was strictly off limits to anyone but the Turks…

"You!"

… And that guy.

"Oh fuck," Reno whispered, stopping although all of his instincts were telling him to run for his life. "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" One of these days, he was going to have to arrange a nice little meeting with this 'Murphy' feller…

"Oi! You three!"

He wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to-

"Yes?"

Reno forcibly elbowed Elena in the side as she began to turn around. What the hell were they supposed to do? They couldn't run to the Turk Offices; the person that was yelling at them now had access to everything in that area. Hell, he controlled that area, not to mention passed down their orders.

Hoping like hell they wouldn't be recognised in their cleaning uniforms, Reno ducked his head enough that he wouldn't be questioned, and out of the corner of his eye saw the other two do the same. He cleared his throat and adjusted his voice drastically. "Yes, sir?" he asked as the heavy-set man made his way towards them.

He was suddenly glad of the uniforms, and the fact that he'd decided to hide his ponytail in the ugly cap that was a part of the job. He screwed his hands up in the fabric of the bag clasped in his hands, hoping like hell that Heidegger wouldn't notice his trademark-gloved hands. He looked up under the brim of the ridiculous hat as Heidegger stopped before them, also glad that it was part of their status as 'servants' to keep their gaze averted. "Can I help you, sir?"

There came a nervous grunt. "Why, yes, as a matter of fact. I, uh…"

Reno frowned as he peered up at the rotund man, wondering why he was looking so nervous. He noticed that Heidegger, also, was looking at everyone but them.

"Yes?" he said again gruffly, trying to sound every bit the obedient servant, but failing miserably as he noticed the pallid-white sheets dangling limp and crumpled from the man's pudgy hands. Needless to say, his jaw dropped and his eyes chose that moment to fall from his head.

"I…" Heidegger continued," was, err… in the process of… disposing of these sheets when the alarms went off."

Comprehension dawned with a vengeance in Reno's mind. "And you want us to-"

"Dispose of them. You see, it would, uh," Heidegger coughed nervously," not be very fitting for a man in my position to be discovered with something this…"

"Degrading?"

For the second time since this whole thing had started, Reno elbowed Elena in the side. "Stop it!" he hissed through gritted teeth.

Heidegger took a short step forward. "Are you okay?"

Reno bowed low to avoid the scrutiny in those beady eyes. "Fine," he replied quickly. "Just cold, sir. The sprinklers in this building are very persuasive."

"… Right." Heidegger took a hasty step backward, but then seemed to change his mind. He thrust out the dirty sheets in Reno's direction, and coughed again. "Here," he muttered. "Take these for me."

Reno was about to accept, knowing anything short of them would be out of character for his 'class', when a voice spoke up beside him.

"How much will you pay us?"

Elbow, do your stuff, Reno thought wryly as the voice registered. I thought she didn't want to be discovered… Reno watched as Heidegger's eyes did what his had only moments before.

"What!"

"You heard me. You're in no position to negotiate. I'm sick and tired of having to cover up for your corporate messes. Do you know how hard stains like that are to get out! Do you?"

Flustered, Heidegger paled, then turned beet red. "Y-you want a bribe?"

"You bet your fat behind, we do."

Heidegger stood stock-still for a second, somewhat unsure what to make of the words. When Elena didn't budge, he slowly reached into his pocket, his eyes scanning the immediate area for any guards. Reno smothered a grin. There may be some hope for her yet…

However, any pleasant thoughts of his were pushed into the back of his mind as he felt something being shoved into his hands. He nearly choked in revulsion as he eyed the sheets suddenly bunched in his arms. Even the paper notes he felt under the bundle was not enough to stifle his disgust. He screwed up his face under the cap, head still bowed.

Elena, having obviously seen the money change hands, let out a rude snort. "Good, now get out of here you fuckin' weasel!"

Heidegger, not one to hang around when he was liable to be arrested for screwing the office slut, did just that. But not before getting in a few wise words of his own. "I'll catch you for that, you slum rats! Don't think I didn't catch your name tags!"

Reno, not worried about any such thing, looked down, belatedly realising that they did, in fact, have name tags. He grinned at his own. "Todd," he shouted back to the retreating form, holding up two fingers for emphasis. "Two d's, not one!"

There was no reply; Heidegger had already made his great escape. Reno turned to Elena, thanking his lucky stars that at least this time the fat man had been too distracted to look past their rather shallow covers. He raised an eyebrow at her strangely complacent expression, and fumbled for the cash in his hands, rifling through it quickly then double checking it when he was sure he was mistaken. "Four fifty?" he exclaimed after a moment.

Elena's expression turned briefly furious. "What? Only-"

"Four hundred and fifty gil!"

"What…" A slow grin formed across Elena's face. "Jeez, I never thought he'd give us that much!"

"Nope," Reno agreed. "One fifty each. I guess that makes up for the pay Tseng docked from me last week." He started for the door in the distance, Rude already ahead of them.

"You mean for when you spilt coffee over his shirt?"

Reno winced. "No, that's coming off next week's pay. I'm talking about the window."

"The one in our office?"

"… No. Heidegger's."

Elena laughed. "Sucks to be you…"

Reno stopped at the door, where Rude was fumbling through his pocket. He glanced at Elena warily through narrowed eyes. "You are not to get concussed again, understand me?"

"… Why?"

"If I'm not mistaken, you just said the 'sucks'. Not to mention the fact that you seem to turn into an insulting, psychopathic, pyromaniac cur at the most inconvenient of moments."

"So?"

"Might I add that so far tonight you've tried to kill me three times? Despite the regular occurrences around here, Elena, it is not common practise to try and kill you superior officers. And besides, disobeying orders is my gig, not yours. Stick to your own job."

"And what's that?"

"Being the rookie."

"But-"

"Crap."

Reno looked up at Rude, who, despite his size, was looking very much like a lost puppy. "What?"

"You're not going to believe me."

"Try me, tonight has certainly been different."

"…I've lost our only key."

Silence. Then, "What!"

If no one had known they were in the building before, then they certainly did now.

* * * * *

Some days were better than others, that was just something you learned when you became a Turk. You got times when you felt like everything was going to go right with the world, when you just knew that a specific case was going to pan out smoothly. You got the times when, one morning, all of your instincts were screaming for you to merely pull the covers back up over your head and stay the hell away from the outside world. And then there were the times when you just knew you should have taken the time for that extra cup of coffee. Today was one of those days.

Tseng stood outside his office door, eyeing the broken handle and matching smashed frame with equal disinterest, his ire carefully buried underneath a visage of absolute calm. However, none of that was explaining why the nervous twitch that had developed over the years into something of a bad habit was kicking in full-force. He felt his cool mask cracking, and before it did so he was going to find out why.

So far this morning he'd been addressed by Heidegger, Rufus, and - Leviathan forbid - Hojo. Each one, surrounded by a mob of annoyingly attentive bodyguards, had taken great pains to carefully explain to him that something had gone wrong last night. He idly wondered whether, since he didn't find the need to talk to any of them much, they considered him mute or dumb. It didn't matter that they'd been in the building that evening and he hadn't, from all the emergency services that had been scattered around the front entrance, he had gathered as much in a mere glance.

And so he'd walked straight passed them, ignoring Heidegger's outbursts as he'd turned and left halfway through what he assumed was a one-hundred percent false story, and up into his office. Unlike them, he had seen the car parked just beyond the Shinra building, cloaked in civilian disguise, which would have been almost flawless but for the personalised plate that stuck out with the same eagerness as a sore thumb. Not to mention the fact that it was even there at all this time of the morning. No, he thought. They may have no idea who was behind all this, but I have the feeling that I do.

For 'no particular reason', he felt like the answer was just beyond this door.

He shook his head, wondering just how drunk Reno must have been to decide to pull a stunt like this. If he was trying for another one of those damned Guinness World Records, then he didn't want to hear it. The damages last time had been bad enough…

He straightened his back, and squared his shoulders, preparing to walk in. He was stopped short, though, by a raised, high-pitched voice. He prevented the frown that threatened to wash across his face. It was just past 7:00 am, not even Elena should have been here yet. How had Reno managed to drag her along for the ride? He looked contemplatively at the door, gave it a little nudge, and it silently swung open a small ways, revealing the Turk common room that connected all of the offices together. He peered in as much as the two-inch-wide gap would allow him, his ebony eyes unconsciously widening as he took in the sight before him.

If he hadn't known better, he would have thought upon first glance that the three Turks sitting slumped over the large, overstuffed couch had just returned from a tough mission. For lack of a better word, they looked trashed. All three were soaked to the bone, their hair - to those that applied to - was flat and matted to their faces. Reno, who made a habit of wearing his glasses on his head, had covered his vivid eyes with them, probably to hide the bruise that even from his distance Tseng could see blossoming from under the black rims. He looked battered and hungover, and had a weary arm thrown carelessly over the side of the couch. It looked like, for all the world, he was trying to find sleep.

Elena looked much worse. There was a small gash just above her left eyebrow, and she sported a solid black bruise big enough to probably rival even the one Reno was trying to hide. Her eyes were half-lidded, and every now and then would slip closed, only to have someone kick her, nudge her, or otherwise attempt to burst her eardrums. He put two and two together, and assumed she was concussed.

He shifted his gaze to Rude. He looked… well, perhaps Rude was looking the healthiest of all of them, though no less rumpled. That didn't surprise him in the least. What did, however, was that all three were clothed in the rudimentary garb of the janitor. Unbidden, thoughts of Heidegger's earlier, half-assed story sprung to mind, and he lifted his hand to rub at the bridge of his nose. This was going to be a long day.

With a sigh of aggravation at his employees, Tseng spun on his heel and walked back toward the stairs. If he was going to have to deal with this, it was going to be on his terms. And that was not without coffee.

* * * * *

Reno groaned and flung a hand over his eyes, trying to consciously will his throbbing headache to stop. Since they'd broken into their offices not two hours past, Elena hadn't stopped nagging. "For the last time, Elena, you are not going home right now!"

"Why not? I haven't had a shower, I'm soaked through and through, my uniform reeks of smoke, and did I mention that I've been knocked out three times in the past six hours! I need some aspirin, some shampoo, and a frickin' hair brush!"

Reno resolutely squared his jaw, the blonde's words working their way into his head as easily as a chainsaw would cut through a pound of butter. He felt a pang of longing in his chest. A shower right about now sounded good, as did a packet of aspirin, though it wasn't worth all of the effort. Even if they got out of the building and passed all of the security, they'd have to be back here in about an hour.

"And I told you," he replied glibly, "there's no way you'll get out of this building right now with the fucking security the way it is. And need I mention whose fault that is. Elena. Darling."

"Well whose idea was it in the first place to even come here last night, Reno?"

Reno again took advantage of the fact that Elena still couldn't remember everything. "I didn't bloody force you to come along, you know."

"Yes you did, Reno," Elena replied quickly.

Reno's eyes narrowed and he looked to Rude. "Will you stop filling her in on all the tiny little details!"

"Like the fact that you practically dragged me along?"

Reno sat up with a low groan and crossed his arms across his chest. "I wasn't the one who drove the car here."

"No, but apparently you were walking - albeit in the wrong direction. I just saved your sorry ass from heading to the sector four slums, instead of here."

"… Saved us only to nearly burn the entire fuckin' building down."

Elena's already watery glare weakened. She ducked her head and stood, turning to look out the window, where the heavy amount of unnecessary emergency services could be seen buzzing around below them. "Yeah, well," she muttered. "All I want is a shower, is that too much to ask?"

"Right now, yes. Sorry." His tone indicated that he was everything but. "Besides, how the hell do you intend to get out of here and avoid all the shit that's going on below?"

"I…"

"Oh, wait!" Reno exclaimed in mock-enthusiasm. He idly prodded the sheets at his feet with a booted toe. "Perhaps you could build a parachute with these sheets and sail into the sunrise without being seen! After all, I'm sure Heidegger wouldn't mind - they might be a bit damp, though, and I'm not sure how well they'd work-"

"Shut up! Shut up!"

Reno smirked. "What's the matter? Only seeing two heads now?" His only answer was a mumbled string of curses. He shrugged, and was about to reply when the door to their offices swung open. Reno looked up, any complacency gone from his face as he identified the figured. His brain stopped functioning. Now why hadn't he thought to remember that Tseng came in this early?

There came a delicate cough as Tseng entered, walked across the room, and pulled up a spare chair directly in front of them. Reno took in the overly placid look on the Wutaian man's face, and had to hide his wince. Reno knew better than to trust that look. He knew of all the people in the whole of Shinra, Tseng was the one person who could see through almost anything, the one person who could actually look through his 'I'm Innocent' routine, and see straight to the heart of the matter. He also knew that Tseng could be more cunning than the devil; more cunning than him.

"Morning," Reno said slowly, knowing that there had been no preventing this meeting.

"Indeed," was the equally unhurried reply as Tseng placed his arms on his lap. Reno watched as the man took a seemingly careless glance around, though he knew that those eyes rarely missed anything. "Rough night?"

Reno shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but kept his gaze squarely on his boss. "You could say that."

"I could." Tseng focused his gaze on Reno and leaned back in the chair, taking a careless sip of the coffee held in his hands. It was silent for what seemed like ages before he spoke again. "Would any of you three care to tell me why Heidegger is sprouting a story about three janitors assaulting him in the lobby?"

Reno blinked and feigned innocence. "Which lobby?"

Tseng didn't skip a beat. "This one."

"Oh… heh… "

"And would you also care to tell me why he seems to think that he was mugged in that same lobby?"

"What!"

All eyes turned to Elena.

"Why that lying son of a bitch! That's not what happened at all! He was walking around with… uh… oops…" Elena had the good grace to look sheepish as she downcast her eyes. "My bad."

Reno did wince this time. "We really need to work on your temper, and control of that tongue." He looked back at Tseng, whose expression was still carefully neutral. "Concussed," he whispered with a wink, as if it were some kind of secret from her. "Doesn't quite know what she's saying at the moment."

"Walking around with what, Elena?" Tseng asked, ignoring Reno's furtive glance.

"Uh…" The blonde looked back at Reno, unsure whether to answer.

Reno rubbed a tired hand across his face and decided it would be best to quit the act. "Just tell him, Elena. He probably already knows, anyway. In case you haven't figured out, the man's as cunning as a fox, and twice as smart."

Tseng raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything regarding Reno's comment. It was better to keep them guessing, anyway.

"Well… He was carrying sheets, boss."

"Sheets."

"Yep."

"Why."

"Uh… "

"Heh… take a guess, boss-man," Reno cut in, "why else would he be in the offices that late?"

Tseng merely nodded. "Ah. So there's no truth to his claims, then."

"Not even. He was having his annual late-night romp with Scarlett again, and we caught him red handed, as it were, sheets and all."

"I see. And what were you three doing here?"

Reno grimaced. "Um…I don't think you really want to know…"

Tseng sat forward in his seat and held Reno's gaze for a long moment. "And I really think I do."

Reno let out a long-suffering sigh. "All right, then. But you'll need to refill that cup of coffee."

"I don't think that will be necessary. This is my second cup already today."

The redheaded Turk just shook his head, expression dubious. "It's as I said, you're going to need another cup."

* * * * *

Tseng sat back in his seat, silently contemplating the strange story he'd just heard. If it weren't for the rather guilty expressions on their faces, he wouldn't have believed a word of it. But then again, it was Reno he was talking about, and with Rude those two seemed to get into all sorts of trouble. Apparently, adding Elena into the mix had only made things worse.

He clasped his hands together, willing the caffeine in his system to help him accept the wild retelling of events he'd just sat through. "So let me get this straight," he said after a moment. "You broke into your own headquarters, ransacked the broadcasting studio, and then decided that it would be wise to burn the tape in the corridors without the benefit of proper ventilation. After which, you conned Heidegger into giving you a large sum of money. And all of this was done just to destroy a simple videotape?"

"Err… yes."

"And yet none of this explains why you're dressed in janitor's clothing."

"That's because we had to get out there without being found. It's the only reason Heidegger didn't recognise us."

"I suppose that's why you took the stairs. Otherwise, you would have had your Turk code picked up on, yes?"

"Yes."

"Ah, now that makes more sense."

"It does? Really? Well that's just wonderful. I'm glad you aren't so confused. No, really. I'm truly happy for you. Being understood is just something I love."

Tseng ignored Reno's smart comments. He chewed on the story for a moment, then took another glance around at his surroundings. "Quite impressive, really."

"Impressive?" Reno echoed. "Retarded, is more like it."

"Impressive, if not regrettable. The janitors are refusing to clean up the mess, and the guards will not go near it."

Reno's eyes widened. He knew where this was going. "You wouldn't-"

"Who kicked the shelf, Reno?"

There came a small, indistinguishable mumble.

"What was that?"

"… I did."

"So whose fault is it?"

"… The crazy fucker that built it. How was I supposed to know how unstable it'd be!"

"Whose fault is it, Reno?"

"… Mine."

"So who should clean it up?"

"The janitors?"

There was a short pause, during which Reno looked up to find a calculating gleam in Tseng's eyes. "Indeed," was the eventual reply.

"Just like that, you're agreeing with me?"

"Yes."

"So the janitors have to clean it up."

"Yes."

"Ha! Poor them."

"Indeed."

Reno recognised the look in Tseng's eyes for what it was, and his own aquamarine eyes widened as the Wutaian man surveyed their garb suggestively. "Oh no… "

"Oh yes."

"But we're not even janitors!"

"You will be if Rufus ever finds out what happened."

"… You mean you're not going to tell him?"

"No, not really. As long as he knows that ad is gone, then business is sorted."

"You've seen it?"

"You could say that."

Reno's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean? What do you know?"

"You could also say I was with the person who created it."

"… And who was that?"

"Me."

It took a moment to sink in, and Tseng felt it pretty safe to say that none of the three had been prepared for the answer they received. In fact, it looked like they hadn't even expected an answer at all.

"You know," Reno said when he'd regained control of his vocal chords, "I always thought you were always a sensible man, Tseng, if not a little boring. I never knew, however, that you could possibly come up with something that…"

"Sad?" Elena finished for him.

"Exactly," Reno replied, lifting his sunglasses up onto the top of his head so as to reveal the icy glare hidden underneath. The effect was spoiled by the bruise that blackened half of the Turk's face. "The words 'cruel and unusual' spring to mind, you know."

It seemed to Tseng that Reno was being a little too calm. For someone who had just found out his own boss had been the cause of the previous night's hell, he was being strangly… tolerant. Tseng patiently waited for the moment he knew was soon to come. Sure enough, it did.

"You… monster!"

Tseng dodged the oddly comic dive as Reno launched at him, and shifted to the left just as Reno went ploughing into the now empty chair. Under the onset of the sudden weight, the old wooden chair fairly shattered, though Reno paid no attention to that little fact as he stumbled to his feet and made another move for the Wutaian Turk. Again, Reno's swing went wide as Tseng moved with the agility of a cat to a spot well out of harms way. Reno, not judging the weight correctly, hit a wall and slid to the ground.

"Are you quite done assuming all of this is my fault?" Tseng asked, realising Reno must have really been tired and hungover to miss quite that badly.

"No," was the sour reply.

Tseng waited patiently for a moment, found another chair, and sat on it. "How about now?"

"… Maybe."

"Better," Tseng replied. "Perhaps I should explain. Rufus and I were having a conversation earlier, and the new marketing contenders were waiting in the hallways as we came out of his office. The president was in one of his more… bitter moods, and I imparted a small few words of Ancient Wutaian wisdom upon him. They overhead, and apparently they took the idea to heart."

The three Turks shared a puzzled look before turning back to their boss, a myriad of expressions warring over their faces. None seemed quite sure of what to say.

"As I said, all of this is quite regrettable, really. If I had perhaps briefed you on today's jobs then none of this would have happened."

"I don't understand," Elena said, holding her head. "How could you have stopped all of this from happening? You couldn't have known we were going to sneak in here and do something like that."

"Well, perhaps I could have told you what you were supposed to do today, and that would definitely have stopped you."

"Why?"

"Because as of this afternoon the campaign is being discontinued."

"It's what!"

Reno looked up dully from his position on the floor, hardly believing what he was hearing. "It was being cancelled today?"

"Yes. I was informed the popularity poll decreased dramatically after viewings. You see, it was only a trial run to test out some new possibilities in the marketing sector, it was never a definite. The deciding factor was the message President Rufus left on my answering phone early this morning saying that the trials were to be terminated as soon as possible."

"You're kidding."

"Unfortunately not. And due to the recent lull in activity in the area, you three were to ensure the destruction of the tape. It seems Rufus is about as fond of the idea as you were. He seems to think they got a little carried away."

"A little?"

"… Well, enough to anger three trained assassins into sabotaging their own building to destroy it, in any case."

"So… today, then… what are we-"

"You are going to clean up the mess you made."

"But you said you weren't going to tell Rufus!"

"I'm not. You three seem to have found the appropriate janitors uniforms, and I'm sure that in that same cupboard there are brooms, rubbish bags, and dustpans. Barring Reno, I'm sure all of you know how to use them."

"But-"

"No buts. Rufus will be more than satisfied that the tape has been destroyed. If I were you I wouldn't be complaining, things could be a lot worse. Get to the janitor's closet on the same floor you got the uniforms from, and get the necessary equipment to clean the mess up that you three made. I will inform the president that the mess is being dealt with as we speak. Perhaps this will teach you that kicking shelves is never a good thing, and that sometimes a little patience never goes astray."

"Do you have any idea how huge that mess is!" Reno snapped.

"Yes. You are still going to clean it up."

"It'll take us days!" Elena put in as Tseng stood and indicated for them to make for the door. "We'll never get it finished!"

"Look at it this way, it'll give you all something to do, and you've got an early start on the job."

"How is that supposed to make us feel better?" Reno retorted. "Oh, skippy, we get an extra two hours to clean! C'mon Rude, Elena, let us join arms and hurry so we don't miss out on this wonderful opportunity!"

Rude snickered, and stood for the door. Elena followed with a lot less enthusiasm. "Shut up, Reno," she muttered.

They were all halfway out of the door when Tseng stepped out behind them. "Oh, and on second thought, take these sheets with you. I don't want to have to explain that. Have a good day."

With a mumbled reply, Reno stepped back and picked up the sheets when his partners made no move to do so. With only the slightest delay he cast a quick smouldering glance at his boss before catching back up to Rude and Elena, who looked less than happy to be in their current position. "Sunshine and lollypops to you too, boss," he muttered.

"Sun is warm, grass is green," was the unexpected, but obviously amused reply from behind them. "And remember to take the stairs - the elevators still require a code." There came the sound of the door shutting not once, but twice, bouncing back off it's broken catch a few times before falling silent.

As they made their way to the stairs Reno groaned and looked at his partners. They were looking back at him with barely-concealed anger, and he made a mental note to dodge if Elena dove for him again. He offered a nervous laugh. "Heh… telling you you guys didn't have to come along isn't going to work this time, is it?"

"No."

"Definitely not."

Reno winced as they began climbing the water-slick stairs. The sprinklers had turned off a few hours ago, but they were still slippery. It was a pretty fair assumption to say that he hated his life right about now, and he bet that Rude and Elena were thinking the same thing. If only they didn't have to clean up that mess. He was on leave - a desk job until he healed - he wasn't even supposed to be walking for prolonged periods of time. He momentarily wished that the stupid thing had burned down.

And that's when it struck him. A bad idea perhaps, but something a lot more promising than two weeks of cleaning would ever be.

"Elena, do you still have that Fire Materia on you?"

The blonde looked up under drenched bangs and fixed him with a withering glance. "Uh, yeah?"

"What about a Water Materia?"

"… Yes."

"A Wind?"

"… I think so. Why, what are you thinking?"

A feral grin swept across Reno's face as he thought about all the emergency services on the ground floor with nothing to do, and the blonde visibly shuddered. "What say we give them something to really worry about?"

~FIN

* * * * * * * * * *

Well, err…. This chapter was a little longer than all of the others, and I was very tempted to divide it up into four, not three, but I promised three… so, you know. I think perhaps it dragged on a little longer than necessary, but I really needed to get it to a point where I could call it finished. The ending's a little… odd, but oh well. Please, PLEASE tell me what you think? Reviews are oh-so welcome, and I've been trying to get this damned thing finished for ages! Thanks to those who have reviewed so far! Of course, now that this is done I can finally work on my other FFVII fic. Kudos goes to anyone who managed to read through all of this!

Cheers!

~Ealinesse.