Title: Transgender
Author: Eeevee
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Aoshi was having a normal day, doing normal things, and enjoying the normal flow when it happened. Now he has to sort out his inner demons while keeping Sanosuke at arms length and escaping the dreaded shopping. What's a gir- er, guy to do? Aoshi began to wonder if maybe life as a pig would have been better...
Disclaimer: Not mine, none of it. Watsuki etc owns Rurouni Kenshin and all characters. Kami own themselves. Enough said.
WARNING: It is advisable to restrain from drinking and/or eating when reading this. My beta reader had some problems with choking.
Aoshi was sitting in the temple as usual. He had been there, cramped in a most annoying position, since before dawn as usual. He had had a cold breakfast of rice as usual. The monks left him alone as usual. And Misao had already shown up once this morning as usual. As usual, sameness fulfilled Aoshi's sense of what was right in the world.
So how was it that all that could go to the pigs in one instant?
It wasn't like he had begged for his life to be flipped upside down by an irate Kami. He was in the business for a quiet life now. One where he wasn't required to do much of anything besides meditate and put up with a hyper Misao. Aoshi savored the ironic twist that everyone accused Sagara of freeloading yet said nary a word about Aoshi's free ride.
Were they worried he would take it the wrong way and kill them? Unlikely as that was it was possible. People were so paranoid in these days of "peace" and "prosperity."
He was in the middle of contemplating that rather vexing thought when a small, squeaky voice said authoritively, "Get out."
Aoshi cracked one ice blue eye and didn't see the source of the noise. Opening both eyes had the same result. It wasn't until the monster bit him that he looked down.
A cute, black piglet looked up with keen button eyes and grunted.
Aoshi wasn't particularly interested in how such a little beast had earned the gift- gift?- of speech. What he did know was this one thing:
"You are annoying." He informed the tiny slab of bacon.
"Well, you are ticking me off!" The sausage retorted hotly in a distinctly female voice. Tiny hooves clicked on the stone floor as the pig paced. "Do you realize how irritating it is to have some stupid mortal moping in your home?"
"You live here then."
"Yes, I do as a matter of fact. Don't you dare say that it's a Buddhist temple. I was here long before that," said the piglet bristling indignantly.
This was a new one. So his internal "torment" had even gained the attention of a God. He must really be messed up. "So you are Kami?" Aoshi questioned with a raised brow.
"You're not too bright, are you? Tremble with fear mortal!"
"Demons do not fear Gods." Aoshi spoke coolly. "Certainly not ones that take the appearance of food items."
The Kami sniffed haughtily and growled, "Pigs are wonderfully intelligent animals who are quick to learn and are incredibly loveable. I was going to make you one to help you solve your problems, but you would make a terrible pig! So now you must choose!"
Aoshi blinked. Why in the world would this deluded God think that being a pig was the answer to his problems?
"Hmm, I must think of something appropriate." The Kami said pensively, "Do you want to be a child again or a woman?"
"I wish to be neither." Aoshi replied honestly. He was leaving now... and never coming back.
"No, you sit back down."
"I have no wish to be a child again, not-." But before his calm, rational sentence was complete the Kami butted right on in.
"Oooh a traumatic childhood?" She made a tsking sound and shook her head making the little pig ears flop comically, "Perhaps you were ridiculed for your lack of social grace? Weelll, I wouldn't want you to relive such a clearly traumatic time that has yet to end. But, you've never been a woman right? So there are no bad associations. Perfect!"
"I fail-." Aoshi started to ground out.
"So it's decided it!"
Aoshi narrowed his eyes and protested, "I did not-."
"You'll enjoy your new out look on life!" The walking meat God trilled happily.
"Do not..." Aoshi trailed off uncertainly when he realized that there was a heavy weigh dragging his chest area down. He leaned back and carefully brought his hands up to explore the mounds that were once level flesh. "What..."
"Breasts." The pig explained with a cheery grin looking very pleased, "You make a wonderful guinea pig Shinomori. I've never actually tried a gender switch, but you're perfectly gorgeous!" She empathized her pleasure with a particularly evasive poke at the extra flesh.
He removed his person from her reach and glared down.
"Change me back. If you do I promise to never return." Aoshi said giving his best ice laser look.
"Not possible, and it's a bit late don't you think? If you hadn't been so stubborn... ah, perhaps I was a bit hasty." Shrug. "No matter. It will be broken automatically when you wrestle you inner demons and beat them down. Good luck!"
Inner demons? Aoshi Shinomori didn't have inner demons. He was perfectly sane; therefore, it was just the rest of the world that didn't make sense. So how was he supposed to fix this?
Then it hit him. How was he supposed to pee like this?
He pushed that random, yet more than valid, thought out of the way. He'd jump that hurtle when it came up. At the moment, he was really wanting to know what he was going to do with Misao. He could hear her coming up the path screeching, er singing, at the top of her lungs.
She did that when she was really happy about something. And when she was happy, which was a good majority of the time, she talked. And talked and talked. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe the Kami didn't want to get rid of him exactly, but Misao. Yes, that must be it.
Misao ran into him. He should have expected it. Suddenly he was falling backwards. He landed on his rump, which was amazingly padded. Why did woman think this was a bad thing again?
"I'm so sorry!" Misao gushed in uncomprehending horror. Her eyes wide he expected the next words to be... "Ma'am, are you alright?" Certainly not that!
Ma'am?
She mistook dumbfounded for disapproval and winced, "I'm sorry. You must be sensitive about your age!"
One of Aoshi's blessings was an unusual amount of patience, and he considered it an asset most times. Currently he was ready to strangle the girl with her braid! Surely he didn't look that different?
"So what's your name?" Misao asked with unfailing cheer and politeness. At least something was normal!
Aoshi considered that question. He obviously couldn't say his name was Aoshi. That was a guy's name. Besides, if she didn't realize that he really was Aoshi then she could never accidentally tell the wrong person.
"I do not have an appropriate name." He replied and sighed. He needed a girl's name and fast. "However, I will think of one momentarily."
"How awful, you lost your memory!" Misao said sadly before perking up, "We could call you Sakura."
Lose his memory...?
"I am perfectly aware..." Then it dawned on him. A woman who had lost her memory would go over much better than a victim of some Kami joke. "That it is a sad incident."
"What about Ayame? That's a pretty name. You remind me of someone I know. Do you have a brother?"
Shoot no he wasn't going to be named after a blossom. Brother... oh. Misao's skills of observation were apparently on the slow side today.
"A cousin." He replied vaguely. Well, he did have a cousin at one point and time so it wasn't technically a lie. "Aoshi Shinomori."
"Oh, you're Aoshi-sama's cousin?" Misao squealed, "He never told me he had a cousin! You guys sure have some family resemblance. You're almost like a girl version of Aoshi-sama!"
"Almost." Aoshi repeated under his breath.
"So what was your name again?" Misao asked shifting subjects with enviable ease. She had a natural talent for leaving the person conversing with her totally clueless. Luckily, Aoshi had been decoding her speech for several years and reacted subconsciously.
His eyes landed on the hem of his clothing and he said mildly, "Ai."
"Like love? That's a romantic name!"
Aoshi was ready to drag that Kami out by its piggy tail. He didn't have issues!
"No." He paused to compose himself. "Like the color blue."
"Pretty kimono." She acknowledged and he resisted the urge to look down to see what sort of ridicules outfit the pig had seen fit to give him. "I really like the clouds and stars."
"Yes, it is very..." He could say it, really he could. Just form his lips around the word and spit it out, "Nice."
"Where'd you buy it? Okon and Omasu would love to get something like that to impress Hiko."
Ah yes, the jackass who lived up on a mountain with only pots for company. Battousai's master and the Aoiya's wrecker. Seeing his white cape float in the distance was one of Aoshi's secret dreams. Right after having Misao debarked, er voiced, devoiced.
"It was a gift from Kami." Aoshi replied truthfully and Misao made a face.
A/N: I warned you regulars! I did. Sorry for not updating, but I don't have my stuff with me. This was supposed to be a one-shot (and still could be probably), but I decided to cut it up. Drop a line if you like it ^__^ I need encouragement *sniffle * Dry humor is a bit challenging.
Author: Eeevee
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Aoshi was having a normal day, doing normal things, and enjoying the normal flow when it happened. Now he has to sort out his inner demons while keeping Sanosuke at arms length and escaping the dreaded shopping. What's a gir- er, guy to do? Aoshi began to wonder if maybe life as a pig would have been better...
Disclaimer: Not mine, none of it. Watsuki etc owns Rurouni Kenshin and all characters. Kami own themselves. Enough said.
WARNING: It is advisable to restrain from drinking and/or eating when reading this. My beta reader had some problems with choking.
Aoshi was sitting in the temple as usual. He had been there, cramped in a most annoying position, since before dawn as usual. He had had a cold breakfast of rice as usual. The monks left him alone as usual. And Misao had already shown up once this morning as usual. As usual, sameness fulfilled Aoshi's sense of what was right in the world.
So how was it that all that could go to the pigs in one instant?
It wasn't like he had begged for his life to be flipped upside down by an irate Kami. He was in the business for a quiet life now. One where he wasn't required to do much of anything besides meditate and put up with a hyper Misao. Aoshi savored the ironic twist that everyone accused Sagara of freeloading yet said nary a word about Aoshi's free ride.
Were they worried he would take it the wrong way and kill them? Unlikely as that was it was possible. People were so paranoid in these days of "peace" and "prosperity."
He was in the middle of contemplating that rather vexing thought when a small, squeaky voice said authoritively, "Get out."
Aoshi cracked one ice blue eye and didn't see the source of the noise. Opening both eyes had the same result. It wasn't until the monster bit him that he looked down.
A cute, black piglet looked up with keen button eyes and grunted.
Aoshi wasn't particularly interested in how such a little beast had earned the gift- gift?- of speech. What he did know was this one thing:
"You are annoying." He informed the tiny slab of bacon.
"Well, you are ticking me off!" The sausage retorted hotly in a distinctly female voice. Tiny hooves clicked on the stone floor as the pig paced. "Do you realize how irritating it is to have some stupid mortal moping in your home?"
"You live here then."
"Yes, I do as a matter of fact. Don't you dare say that it's a Buddhist temple. I was here long before that," said the piglet bristling indignantly.
This was a new one. So his internal "torment" had even gained the attention of a God. He must really be messed up. "So you are Kami?" Aoshi questioned with a raised brow.
"You're not too bright, are you? Tremble with fear mortal!"
"Demons do not fear Gods." Aoshi spoke coolly. "Certainly not ones that take the appearance of food items."
The Kami sniffed haughtily and growled, "Pigs are wonderfully intelligent animals who are quick to learn and are incredibly loveable. I was going to make you one to help you solve your problems, but you would make a terrible pig! So now you must choose!"
Aoshi blinked. Why in the world would this deluded God think that being a pig was the answer to his problems?
"Hmm, I must think of something appropriate." The Kami said pensively, "Do you want to be a child again or a woman?"
"I wish to be neither." Aoshi replied honestly. He was leaving now... and never coming back.
"No, you sit back down."
"I have no wish to be a child again, not-." But before his calm, rational sentence was complete the Kami butted right on in.
"Oooh a traumatic childhood?" She made a tsking sound and shook her head making the little pig ears flop comically, "Perhaps you were ridiculed for your lack of social grace? Weelll, I wouldn't want you to relive such a clearly traumatic time that has yet to end. But, you've never been a woman right? So there are no bad associations. Perfect!"
"I fail-." Aoshi started to ground out.
"So it's decided it!"
Aoshi narrowed his eyes and protested, "I did not-."
"You'll enjoy your new out look on life!" The walking meat God trilled happily.
"Do not..." Aoshi trailed off uncertainly when he realized that there was a heavy weigh dragging his chest area down. He leaned back and carefully brought his hands up to explore the mounds that were once level flesh. "What..."
"Breasts." The pig explained with a cheery grin looking very pleased, "You make a wonderful guinea pig Shinomori. I've never actually tried a gender switch, but you're perfectly gorgeous!" She empathized her pleasure with a particularly evasive poke at the extra flesh.
He removed his person from her reach and glared down.
"Change me back. If you do I promise to never return." Aoshi said giving his best ice laser look.
"Not possible, and it's a bit late don't you think? If you hadn't been so stubborn... ah, perhaps I was a bit hasty." Shrug. "No matter. It will be broken automatically when you wrestle you inner demons and beat them down. Good luck!"
Inner demons? Aoshi Shinomori didn't have inner demons. He was perfectly sane; therefore, it was just the rest of the world that didn't make sense. So how was he supposed to fix this?
Then it hit him. How was he supposed to pee like this?
He pushed that random, yet more than valid, thought out of the way. He'd jump that hurtle when it came up. At the moment, he was really wanting to know what he was going to do with Misao. He could hear her coming up the path screeching, er singing, at the top of her lungs.
She did that when she was really happy about something. And when she was happy, which was a good majority of the time, she talked. And talked and talked. It suddenly occurred to him that maybe the Kami didn't want to get rid of him exactly, but Misao. Yes, that must be it.
Misao ran into him. He should have expected it. Suddenly he was falling backwards. He landed on his rump, which was amazingly padded. Why did woman think this was a bad thing again?
"I'm so sorry!" Misao gushed in uncomprehending horror. Her eyes wide he expected the next words to be... "Ma'am, are you alright?" Certainly not that!
Ma'am?
She mistook dumbfounded for disapproval and winced, "I'm sorry. You must be sensitive about your age!"
One of Aoshi's blessings was an unusual amount of patience, and he considered it an asset most times. Currently he was ready to strangle the girl with her braid! Surely he didn't look that different?
"So what's your name?" Misao asked with unfailing cheer and politeness. At least something was normal!
Aoshi considered that question. He obviously couldn't say his name was Aoshi. That was a guy's name. Besides, if she didn't realize that he really was Aoshi then she could never accidentally tell the wrong person.
"I do not have an appropriate name." He replied and sighed. He needed a girl's name and fast. "However, I will think of one momentarily."
"How awful, you lost your memory!" Misao said sadly before perking up, "We could call you Sakura."
Lose his memory...?
"I am perfectly aware..." Then it dawned on him. A woman who had lost her memory would go over much better than a victim of some Kami joke. "That it is a sad incident."
"What about Ayame? That's a pretty name. You remind me of someone I know. Do you have a brother?"
Shoot no he wasn't going to be named after a blossom. Brother... oh. Misao's skills of observation were apparently on the slow side today.
"A cousin." He replied vaguely. Well, he did have a cousin at one point and time so it wasn't technically a lie. "Aoshi Shinomori."
"Oh, you're Aoshi-sama's cousin?" Misao squealed, "He never told me he had a cousin! You guys sure have some family resemblance. You're almost like a girl version of Aoshi-sama!"
"Almost." Aoshi repeated under his breath.
"So what was your name again?" Misao asked shifting subjects with enviable ease. She had a natural talent for leaving the person conversing with her totally clueless. Luckily, Aoshi had been decoding her speech for several years and reacted subconsciously.
His eyes landed on the hem of his clothing and he said mildly, "Ai."
"Like love? That's a romantic name!"
Aoshi was ready to drag that Kami out by its piggy tail. He didn't have issues!
"No." He paused to compose himself. "Like the color blue."
"Pretty kimono." She acknowledged and he resisted the urge to look down to see what sort of ridicules outfit the pig had seen fit to give him. "I really like the clouds and stars."
"Yes, it is very..." He could say it, really he could. Just form his lips around the word and spit it out, "Nice."
"Where'd you buy it? Okon and Omasu would love to get something like that to impress Hiko."
Ah yes, the jackass who lived up on a mountain with only pots for company. Battousai's master and the Aoiya's wrecker. Seeing his white cape float in the distance was one of Aoshi's secret dreams. Right after having Misao debarked, er voiced, devoiced.
"It was a gift from Kami." Aoshi replied truthfully and Misao made a face.
A/N: I warned you regulars! I did. Sorry for not updating, but I don't have my stuff with me. This was supposed to be a one-shot (and still could be probably), but I decided to cut it up. Drop a line if you like it ^__^ I need encouragement *sniffle * Dry humor is a bit challenging.