Title:  Shadow Love

Author:  Sorcha ([email protected])

Rating:  PG-13

Pairing:  Sanzo/Gojyo (sorta)

Summary:  A very short, very dark look at something between Sanzo and Gojyo.

Warning:  Not exactly non-consensual sex, but it's not a happy thing either.  It may be argued that I have Gojyo OOC but he's very capable of thinking dark, deep thoughts in cannon.

Disclaimer and Acknowledgements:  I don't own Saiyuki, the characters belong to Kazuya Minekura, I'm just sneaking onto the playground in the dark.  No money was harmed or changed hands during the making of this story.  The soundtrack to this is "Everybody Knows" by Don Henley and "Accidentally, Like a Martyr" by Warren Zevon.  Relevant song lyrics italicized at the end.

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Say what you like about the relationship between Sanzo and me, but we've always been there for each other when it counted.

Or at least, that's how I'm justifying it now. I'm too weary to remember how this thing between us started, but after all this time we sure know how to read each other.

All day he's been getting more and more tense. It's never a good sign when Sanzo has to control himself this hard and you can hear the tightness in his voice.  His eyes have been following Goku with such hunger that I know we'll all get separate rooms tonight. He'll come to me late, and take me in pain and blood, and leave without saying a word.  Somehow, it will be enough to hold him sane.

Of course, sometimes I go to him. Innocents die, the world's full of corruption, and dreams can be more weapon than pleasure.  I have to do something before I say something to hurt Goku or worse yet spill my cynicism all over Hakkai like acid.  Sanzo must be able to tell when that happens, because those nights we end up alone too.  I'll go to him and hurt him, and bury myself inside him until the darkness untwists from my heart.

Randomly, we'll have something that could be mistaken for tenderness between us.  I'll touch his hand while I light my cigarette from his, or he'll look at me a few seconds longer than necessary, and something more than desperate physical need will be there.

I'm pretty sure I don't want to think about that too much.

And so we travel west, one step ahead of our demons, both real and metaphorical.  Each day brings the promise of death, and I'm pretty sure we won't all survive.  I guess I'll just do what I've always done, and take it one day at a time.  And on this day, I'll get ready to be what he'll need me to be tonight.

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Everybody Knows                                                       Accidentally, Like a Martyr

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded                 The phone don't ring, and the sun refuse to shine

Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed                 Never thought I'd have to pay so dearly

Everybody knows that the war is over                       For what was already mine, time out of mind

Everybody knows that the good guys lost                                                     

Everybody knows the fight is fixed                             We made mad love, shadow love

The poor stay poor and the rich get rich                    Random love and abandoned love

That's how it goes, everybody knows                         Accidentally, like a martyr

                                                                                    The hurt gets worse, and the heart gets harder