TITLE: Hamlet For Morons (The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

AUTHOR: Jamie August

RATING: PG (some naughty language)

DISCLAIMER: Obviously "Hamlet" belongs to Shakespeare, not me. All of the pop culture references I make throughout the course of this thing (I've lost count of them all) belong to their respective owners, not me.

A/N: I started my first version of this about three years ago, and never got past Act 1 Scene 3. It got lost somewhere in the shuffle when I moved to the apartment I now live in, so I had to start over. Since then, both Sicily and Cherry Blossom (and possibly others, those are just the two I know about) have posted their versions of Hamlet. But whereas theirs are both condensed versions, mine is full-length, so that makes it a bit different. Besides, I think there's enough room online for many different takes on the same subject. I suggest you read both their versions, too. They're very funny. As for all of the pop culture references so prevalent in this one, you'll find repeated mentions of Harry Potter and Wishmaster. *shrug* My apologies, and don't ask! LOL

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HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT I, SCENE I

{Enter Bernardo and Francisco, two palace sentinels}

BERNARDO: Hark! Who the hell goes there?

FRANCISCO: What? Who the hell's there?

BERNARDO: Oh! Right! The secret password! Uh . . . {clears throat} Polly-wolly-snickerdoodle!

FRANCISCO: Is that you, Bernardo?

BERNARDO: Who the hell else would it be, you idiot?

FRANCISCO: Listen, genius, did anyone ever tell you what a lousy idea it is to sneak up on a guy in the dark? Especially a guy with a sword?

BERNARDO: Whatever. Your shift is over. Go get some beauty sleep. God knows you could use it.

FRANCISCO: Yeah, you ain't exactly Brad Pitt, yourself. But thanks for showing up. I've been freezing my ass off out here.

BERNARDO: Sweet dreams, pooky.

FRANCISCO: What did you call me?!

BERNARDO: Uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Hey, if you see those lazy bums Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to get their butts over here. I swear, just because he's the prince's best friend, Horatio thinks he can show up late for work and then just sit around making shadow puppets when he is here! I get here three seconds late, I hear "Off with his head!"

{Enter Horatio and Marcellus}

HORATIO: I'm here, I'm here!

FRANCISCO: Huh?! Who's that? Who's there? I have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it, you know!

BERNARDO: Oh crap, here we go again.

HORATIO: It's me, you moron! Horatio!

FRANCISCO: What's the password?

HORATIO: I'm gonna tell Hamlet what a pain in the ass you're being.

FRANCISCO: Oh. Okay, close enough. 'Night, guys.

MARCELLUS: Whoa! Abandoning your post? I knew the king never should have hired a mall security guard.

FRANCISCO: My shift is over, stupid. Bernardo's on duty now. Adios, suckers! {exit}

MARCELLUS: What a rude little son-of-a . . . Bernardo! How's it goin', buddy?

BERNARDO: Absolutely fantastic. Then again, I just got here.

HORATIO: Have ya seen the ghost yet?

BERNARDO: No, but like I said, I've only been here for THREE FRICKIN' MINUTES!

MARCELLUS: Horatio doesn't believe we saw a ghost. He says it's just swamp gas, or light refracting off Venus, or something. I hope the ghost shows up tonight so we can say, "Told ya so, told ya so!"

HORATIO: There's no such thing as ghosts. But I did see the Tooth Fairy once.

BERNARDO: Oh, yeah? Well we saw the ghost, really-really-really we did!

HORATIO: Sure you did. You know, when you polish your sword, you really should open a window to let the fumes out. Fine, tell me all about this 'ghost' you saw.

BERNARDO: Okay, well, around one o'clock last night, me and Marcellus were sitting around drinking - I mean, uh, standing guard and performing our guarding duties and stuff, yeah, that's it! - and we saw this ghost -

HORATIO: You mean like that one there? {points behind Bernardo}

BERNARDO: Eek! Where, where?! {whirls around and sees nothing behind him. Turns back around and points behind Horatio.} Uh, no, more like that one there.

HORATIO: Yeah, right, like I'm gonna fall for that.

MARCELLUS: Uh, no, seriously dude, turn around.

HORATIO: {turns around and sees ghost behind him} Holy powdered doughnuts, Batman!

BERNARDO: Is it just me, or does that ghost remind you of someone?

MARCELLUS: Casper?

BERNARDO: No, that's not it.

HORATIO: Moaning Myrtle?

BERNARDO: No . . .

MARCELLUS: The ghost of Christmas Past?

HORATIO: The ghost of Christmas Future?

MARCELLUS: Michael Jackson?

HORATIO: Those guys from the "Matrix Reloaded"?

BERNARDO: No, no, no! Wait, I've got it! The dead King!

MARCELLUS & HORATIO: Oh, yeah, uh-huh, now that you mention it . . .

MARCELLUS: Hey, Horatio, you're like a smarty-pants kind of guy, why don't you try to talk to it?

BERNARDO: Doesn't it look like the dead king, guys?

HORATIO: Yes, Bernardo, we already established that. Keep up with the story, would you please?

MARCELLUS: Say something to it or it's gonna leave!

HORATIO: Tell me again how that would be a bad thing?

BERNARDO: What, are you scared?

HORATIO: Oh, fine. {clears his throat and turns to ghost} Speak, you unholy demon spawn! I said speak! Speak, you evil hell-creature! Tell me what you want, you pale, ugly, demonic night-beast!

MARCELLUS: Um, I think you pissed it off.

{Ghost leaves.}

BERNARDO: Yeah, there it goes.

HORATIO: Thank you for stating the obvious once again, Bernardo.

MARCELLUS: Given the silent treatment by a ghost. Man, are we losers.

BERNARDO: Oh, I almost forgot! Hey, Horatio, I told ya so, I told ya so! Ha-ha, told ya so! Believe me now?

HORATIO: I believe you, but who's gonna believe me?

BERNARDO: Dude, are you okay? You look kinda sick.

HORATIO: I have literally had the crap scared out of me.

BERNARDO: Oh, so that's what that smell is.

MARCELLUS: Didn't it look just like the king?

HORATIO: Yes, yes! It looked just like the king! This is getting a bit redundant, don't you think?

MARCELLUS: Yeah, especially since Bernardo and I have seen it twice before. You'd think by now we would have established that it looks just like the dead king.

HORATIO: If I hear the words "dead king" one more time . . .

MARCELLUS: Party-pooper.

HORATIO: So, the appearance of a ghost can't be good, can it? It's like a bad omen for the country or something, right?

MARCELLUS: Well, we are in the middle of a land war, aren't we?

HORATIO: Yeah. You wanna hear all about it, or can you read the newspaper yourself?

MARCELLUS: No, I like listening to you talk. Tell me a story, Horatio.

BERNARDO: Oh, brother. Get a room.

HORATIO: Okay, here goes. This story is called "King Goldilocks and the Two Fortinbrases." Once upon a time, there was a king named Hamlet -

MARCELLUS: I thought his name was Goldilocks!

HORATIO: No, Goldilocks was just his Klingon name.

MARCELLUS: Oh. Okay.

HORATIO: Anyway, there was this king named Hamlet, and one day this other dude named Fortinbras said to him, "I can beat you up" and King Hamlet said, "Oh, yeah?" and Fortinbras said, "Yeah, and I'm so sure of it, I'll bet all my land on it." To which King Hamlet said, "Well, what the hell do I want with your land? Your land sucks. It isn't good for anything but tractor-pulls and monster truck rallies, and everybody knows only the lowly and uncouth participate in those things." But Fortinbras really wanted to fight, so he says to the king, "Well, your wife is an ugly trollop" and the king says, "Yup, you're right" and Fortinbras says, "And your son is a looney little sissy-boy" and the king says, "Well, you got me there" and then Fortinbras says, "And your horse has bad breath" and the king says, "Hey, now, you can insult me, you can insult my wife and son, but NOBODY talks trash on my horse!" So the king fought Fortinbras and killed him and inherited all of his land. Now, old Fortinbras had a little sissy-boy son of his own, who was just a wee bit upset that the old geezer gave all the land away to his killer. So, this young Fortinbras is sneaking around trying to form an army and take back his father's land. That's why we're on a state of alert and out on guard duty and all that happy-crappy.

MARCELLUS: {happy sigh} You tell good stories.

BERNARDO: But what the hell does any of that have to do with the ghost?

HORATIO: Everybody knows ghosts are harbingers of bloody doom. The country is about to explode into major bloodshed, I just know it. {enter Ghost} Oh, shit, here he comes again!

BERNARDO: You know, it's probably more afraid of you than you are of it.

HORATIO: Hey, wait a minute! I caught a ghost! Don't I get three wishes or something?

BERNARDO: It's not a genie, you imbecile.

MARCELLUS: Besides, aren't genies evil? I mean, haven't you guys seen "Wishmaster"?

HORATIO: Okay, for my first wish I want a million dollars!

BERNARDO: Yeah, that's original.

MARCELLUS: Dollars? When did we start using dollars in Denmark?

HORATIO: For my second wish, I want all the beautiful young wenches in the land to fall madly in love with me!

BERNARDO: But if you have a million dollars, you can have any wench you want. Why waste a wish on it?

HORATIO: Crap! You're right! I take it back, I take it back!

MARCELLUS: Seriously, dude, you need to be careful what you wish for. Haven't you ever read "The Monkey's Paw"?

BERNARDO: And I repeat - ghosts don't grant wishes, you idiots!

HORATIO: Well, I won't know that unless I try, now will I? Okay, for my second wish, I want to know the future! Yeah, I want a fortune-telling duck named Quackers!

BERNARDO: A fortune-telling duck? Have you been mixing medications again?

HORATIO: And - hey, the ghost is leaving again!

BERNARDO: I don't blame him.

HORATIO: Stop him!

MARCELLUS: How?

HORATIO: Catch him! Stab him!

MARCELLUS: Um, don't you think that'll just piss him off again?

HORATIO: Do it! I want my duck!

MARCELLUS: Okay, okay! {stabs at the ghost}

BERNARDO: Oh, what the hell. {stabs at ghost}

HORATIO: Come back here, dammit! I want a million dollars and a fortune-telling duck! {ghost leaves}

MARCELLUS: Well, that was pointless. Whoever heard of stabbing a ghost?

BERNARDO: "Stab the ghost! Stab the ghost!" Great plan, Einstein.

HORATIO: Like you had a better idea? Damn, I really wanted that duck, too.

BERNARDO: So I gathered.

HORATIO: Hey, maybe the ghost will talk to young Hamlet, since he is Hamlet's dead dad and all. We should tell Hamlet about his dad's ghost.

MARCELLUS: Well, duh, you think so?

HORATIO: Just don't mention Quackers, okay?