I'm Shagging Who?

By Kyizi

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I think JKR would be very glad to hear that given this fic…

Rating: R, to be safe

Notes: I want to start out by saying a few things.

1) I have no idea where this came from.

2) Any and all fics mentioned here are not being ridiculed; I love 'em, I mention them as plugs. There will be a list with links at the end, and I highly recommend you go read them all.

3) I have no idea where this came from.

* * *

"Oh, dear lord," Hermione muttered.

"What is it now?" Ron asked, glancing up from the rather large volume in his hands.

"Bondage!" the head girl said abruptly. "More bondage!"

Ron snorted. "Cool. This one just has us doing it in a bed. It's all rather romantic really."

"What?" Hermione asked with a frown. "Oh, this isn't you and me. It's me and Snape." If Hermione had expected an outburst, she was mistaken. It looked more like Ron had been petrified. His mouth was frozen in a goldfish position and his eyes had gone rather glassy.

"Another one, Miss Granger?" Snape asked with a sneer, reaching out and tearing the fic from her hands.

"Really, Severus," she admonished. He raised his eyebrows at the use of his given name and she rolled her eyes. "Given that you're about to read a fic where you have me tied to your wall and then proceed to fuck me senseless, Sir, I didn't think you'd mind."

"My God, my ears," Draco said, scrunching up his nose. "I really don't want to know about my Godfather's sex life, Granger." He turned and frowned at the youngest Weasley as she reached past him to pick up the fic he had just finished reading.

"What's slash?" Ginny murmured and Draco sniggered. "Oh, my GOD!" She threw the fic on the table. "With Harry?" she asked him, incredulously.

He leaned closer to her, his breath tickling her ear and whispered, "There's an entire batch that contain me shagging your brains out, if you'd prefer it, Weasley."

She shivered, but quickly sat up straight and glared at him. "In your dreams, Malfoy, in your dreams."

"Frequently, Miss Weasley," he said with a smirk, leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head.

There was a sudden burst of laughter from Harry and a clatter as he fell of his chair, falling unceremoniously onto the floor. Everyone at the table stopped what they were doing and proceeded to the spot where he lay, rather confused by the sight of the Boy Who Lived rolling on the floor, clutching his chest, laughing like a mad man.

"Harry, mate, you all right?" Ron asked, focussing all his thoughts on Harry, trying to banish the images of Hermione and Snape that were running through his head.

"Draco…" he gasped. "N-N!" And then he was away again.

"What is he on about?" Draco asked with a frown, reaching out to pic up the fic that had fallen onto the floor beside Harry. It read The Rules of Engagement. Draco opened it and skimmed through it with a smirk. "It's another of your favourite pairing, Weasley. Your best friend going at it with Snape."

"Harry and Snape?" Ron asked, aghast. "No wonder he went mad."

"No, the Harry/Snape ones are over there," Hermione said, "The Mirror of Maybe is the top," she continued, ignoring Draco's snigger as he said, "Who's on top?" She frowned at him and continued. "You should try it first. That one" she said, indicating the fic Draco was still skimming, "is another of me with Snape."

Ron looked horrified that his friend seemed to know so much about the subject and instead turned back to Harry, who was slowly beginning to calm down. Keep breathing, Ron, Keep breathing, he though. She doesn't sound happy at the idea of shagging Snape, really she doesn't.

"As if I'd ever be like this!" Draco said, suddenly outraged.

"Keep reading," Harry managed to say with a manic giggle.

"What do you…" Draco's eyes widened and the fic fell from his hands. He remained completely still, while Harry began to laugh in earnest again.

"What is it?" Ron finally asked.

"Oh, right, I remember," Hermione said with a smile. "That's Draco and Neville. I had to take it from Neville earlier. I don't think he appreciated it." There was a terrified whimper from across the room, where Neville was crouched in the corner, rocking back and forth with a traumatised look in his eyes.

"Why do the insist that I have school girl fantasies?" Snape muttered. He had gone back to reading his pile of fic. Draco shook himself out of his state of shock and proceeded over to his Godfather. He reached out and began to sift through the fics in front of him.

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione…" he glanced at Snape with a smirk. "Being a little selective, aren't we?"

"Given that your pile seems only to consist of you fucking The Boy Who Lived To Be The Bane Of My Existance," Snape said with narrowed eyes, "I don't think you can lecture me."

"Actually, I find it all fascinating," Hermione said, returning to her seat.

"There's a surprise," Ginny muttered.

"No seriously, I mean what are the chances that all these people think that these pairings are plausible. I mean, where's the evidence?"

"Well, we could give them it now," George said with a mischievous grin.

"What do you suggest, Weasley?" Draco drawled. "You think we should just go all out and have a full blown orgy?"

"Why not?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Harry said, looking slightly ill.

"I agree," Ginny said with a look that clearly said, "Ick!". She turned to face the twins. "Think about it. There are another six people in this room that you're related to." George and Fred suddenly looked like Christmas had come…that is, they had red hair and green faces. "My point exactly." Ginny turned back to the table.

"Actually, Weasley," Draco said with a smirk. "There's an entire pile of Ginny/Ron fics over there."

"That's just sick and wrong, Malfoy, shut up."

Draco looked at Harry for a moment before nodding. "For once, you're right. I'm sorry I brought it up." Harry seemed engrossed in something, and Draco moved to the other end of the table to sit by him. "What you reading?" he asked.

"Underwater Light," Harry said, shifting the paper so that Draco could read.

"Wait a minute," Draco frowned, "didn't she write that one where I was Weasley's bitch?"

"You mean his rat?" Harry asked, then nodded. "Yeah, that's her."

"That was demeaning."

"I thought it was rather endearing actually," Harry said with a smile.

"You would, Potter." Draco stole a quick kiss and turned back to the fic.

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Lavender gushed.

"What is?" Draco asked with warning in his eyes, hoping that he wasn't about to get the next round of 'Harry and Draco Were Meant to be Together' from Gryffindork's own Trelawney.

The look seemed to work and she turned back to her fic without answering. She suddenly seemed flushed and Draco smirked. "What are you reading, Miss Brown?"

Lavender didn't answer, but Pansy glanced over her shoulder and snorted. "She's reading trio fic."

"What?" Harry asked.

"Where Hermione gets to do you and Ron together. Personally, I prefer her taste in DSV. Draco and Potter. Nice." Pansy wagged her eyebrows and looked both men up and down. "Remember, my offer stands. Anytime you feel like a Pansy sandwich…"

"Ugh, what a disgusting thought!" Ron shuddered. "The two of them going at it is bad enough!"

"No it's not!" Ginny said weepily.

Draco glanced at Harry, well aware that the youngest Weasley hadn't known about them, and a few minutes ago had seemed repulsed. Draco glanced closer and saw that she had been attacking his pile of fic.

"This is so sweet!" she said, sniffing as she threw Swing, Swing, Swing at Ron.

"Okay, that's just anatomically impossible!" Hermione threw her fic on the desk, startling everyone. "If they're going to write me into these situations, they should at make sure I'm able to give them a go!"

Everyone looked at her as if she had grown three heads and morphed into Fluffy. She glared at them.

"Oh, come on!" she said, still a little ticked off. "I may like books, but that doesn't mean I'm all virginal."

"B-But…" Ron stuttered.

"But what, Ron?"

He glanced at Harry, who shrugged. "But who?"

* * *

Okay, as I mentioned at the start, no idea where it came from, or where it's going. It's of the style of Ships That Pass Into Type, by HonorH, I know. Except, this isn't as funny! ;)

Should I continue, anyone?

FIC LIST

The Rules of Engagement is by GlindaTrisstt

The Mirror of Maybe is by Midnight Blue

Underwater Light and Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing…Rat? are by Maya

Swing, Swing, Swing is by Desertrain

DSV (Draco Dormiens, Draco Veritas and Draco Sinister) is by Cassandra Claire