If you could know me

poem--Anji Michalski

story--Ishy-chan

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Disclaimers: I do not own the Slayers, the cast, settings, or otherwise.  *insert legal jargon here*

Note:  This is a Xel/Lina fic ^_^  sorry to all those other coupling fans, but, this is my favourite pairing... gomen... but please, there's no actual scenes where they're seen together... *grins*   This was inspired by the poem "If You Could Know Me" by Anji Michalski (found on www.darknessrising.com).  Please, read on and lemme know whatcha think!

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            A white gloved hand ran through the untamable molten tresses as a soft sigh escaped her lips.  This night she'd wanted to be alone and had offered to take first watch in order to be able to think without her companions keeping a watchful eye.  They didn't, couldn't, know the turmoil of the young sorceress and she wasn't going to let them see, if she could help it.  In the face of friend, foe or stranger, her mask was pulled on, even when she was alone she kept her facade, allowing it only to slip on rare occasion.  What would happen if they really knew her?  Knew what lay beneath the devil-may-care attitude and unbelievable power...

If you could know me,
I wonder what you would think?
Would I still be a fiery little brat?
Someone who has too much pride?
An unending source of bravery and energy?
And her ego is kind of big?

            She had to be strong for them, she thought, her gaze sweeping over her friends to finally land on her self-proclaimed guardian.  He lay spread-eagle in his sleeping roll, his snores sawing through the still night air but unnoticed by the others.  Even she had learned to tune them out after a time.  With one arm tucked behind his head, the other flopped to the side, the well-built blonde slept on, oblivious to her caring gaze.

            "Gourry," she whispered.  "For you I have to be knowledgeable and patient, and I know I'm a bit hard on you at times.  But you've never let me down when it really counted and I know how much you care for me."  She sighed again.  "I love you, Gourry, you're the big brother that I never had and I wouldn't exchange the time we spent together for anything.  We didn't always think that we'd get through what the world faced us with, but no matter what, you had faith in me and that's the reason you can't ever know who I truly am.  For you I have to be strong and seem carefree just to keep you on your toes."

            She smiled fondly at the handsome swordsman before her ruby eyes shifted across the low fire to another figure.  Black hair framed the pretty round face of the young sorceress, her dark lashes laying in perfect crescents upon her cheeks as she slept soundly.  She lay on her side, hands tucked peacefully beneath her cheek as she mumbled something incoherently in her sleep.  Lina's smile widened.

            "Dreamer," she murmured.  "Always the optimist.  Justice rules your heart and for that I have to continue my acts against the kind of Justice that you favour.  If I hadn't, would you have come to realize just how the world works outside your view?  Perhaps, but doubtful.  Oh Amelia, you're a dear friend and although a little naive, you hold hope, love and friendship above all else.  I wish that I could see the world in the same fearless light.  Maybe it's because of you that I can't be anything but brave and powerful.  You, Princess, despite what others or yourself may think, need protection and I think that's why I have come to treasure my friends and feel the need to protect them against the so called evils of this world. 

"What do you know of true evil?

            "Evil is simply a perception, Amelia, you still must learn that.  The Mazoku aren't as evil as what they're made out to be just as the Dragons aren't as pure as what people think.  The demons are unbelievably loyal and although they favour death and violence, and feed of the emotions of humans, that doesn't make 'em evil.  The lizards are similar in the fact that though they say they are loyal, they are also known to betray and undermine.  More than once they've manipulated humans and others of their race into what they wanted them to do all in the name of peace and justice.  Filia stood strong against that and strove for what she felt was right and what did they do?  They made her an outcast of the Dragons...  And look at Xelloss, despite being a high ranked Mazoku, he's helped save the world as well.  Would a truly evil creature do that?"

            She smiled and gave a small huff.  "Look at me, here I'm defending the most feared races of this world... Who'd have thought?" she chuckled.  "May your light never die, Amelia, and may you never see deep enough into me to see mine; to see how small it has become.  Thank you, my friend, for giving me a reason to protect this world instead of hiding from it like I always want to."

Now, wait!
Before you say yes, remember the question,
If you could know me, what would you think?
What?
You already know me?
Hah.
Stupid people. You don't know me at all.

            "Zelgadis, the most difficult person but probably my best friend."

            Her eyes moved onto the sleeping chimera, laying motionless, save his breathing, beneath his blanket.  He was beautiful, she thought, her eyes running over the all too familiar features of blue rock flesh, the even darker pebbles that studded his eyes, jaw, chin, and the lone pair that rose a little down from his left eye like a mole.  His shimmering lavender hair of wire, and the rare peaceful expression found only when he slept, and even then not always. 

            "Zel," she breathed through a soft chuckle.  "Why do you always have to take things upon appearance?  Why can't you see that those who matter don't care what you look like, or the fact that were you to become human again, you may lose what powers you gained with the acquisition of this body?"  Sigh.  "You, the most logical, serious, and occasionally downright antisocial of us all needs to look for deeper meanings hidden by false appearances.  You should realize that better than anyone...

            "Perhaps you can solve any problem given time but still you sometimes miss the obvious.  Why can't you see that Amelia loves you?  That I care for you as the best friend you are?  Or even that though you may think that your claims that Xelloss is a fruitcake are mostly unfounded, that they are in part true.  I've seen the way he watches you when you're not looking.  And haven't you ever heard the old saying that, 'if someone likes you, they pick on you'?  Just from that I'd say he likes you in more than one way, but then, who am I to talk in matters of the heart?  I, least of all, should talk.

            "Oh Zel, you're too centered on your own unique appearance and self loathing that I have to act the part of a wild child just to make you loosen up on occasion.  You've changed since we first met years ago but still, your views are the same.  For you, I have to be the child, the risk taker, the friendly face, and the intellectual mind just to challenge you."

See, I meant if you could really know me,
If I ever let you know me,
Then, what would you see?
If you could see me in the nights I sit away from the fire,
Alone, breathing hard, crying, and calling for help?

            "What would you think if you saw me now?  Would you see the Infamous Lina Inverse or would you see the real me?  I know you best out of all of us and still, I can't tell...  Who am I to say that you need to open your eyes and your mind when I can't even be myself?  At least you have that luxury.  I wonder if you'd turn away in disgust if you knew me, or if you'd just give that small smile of yours that I don't see often enough and just tell me that it was about time...  With my mask I am your opposite, Zel, but inwardly I am too much like you, and because of that I don't think you would handle the real me very well.  I'm sorry."

If you could see into my eyes in a fight,
The tears, and the fear, and the disgust at what I do?
If you could hear that tiny quaver in my voice,
When I am casting any spell,
Would you still think of me the same way?

            Now her ruby eyes turned skyward as she leaned back on her hands.  Her thoughts drifted to Filia.  The Dragon was far to the south now, Jillas, Grabos, and little Val in tow, in a mace and pottery shop that doubled as her new home.

            "Filia, when you came to me to ask for my help against Darkstar, you weren't positive that I could pull of the job and it was only my sister's reference that pulled me into accepting, as you and the others well know.  But you have no idea how much I had to hide from you that day.  Had you never come, I never would have had to build additional defenses around myself and life would have continued until that day when Valgaav summoned the Otherworld Dark Lord.  Would you have been surprised to find out how terrified I was about the new enemy?  Could you have known how close I came to giving up?  How could you, you had no clue.  I've had far too long to build up my little barrier around myself and now I can see that if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have had to bury my fear and protect the ones I care about. 

            "Did you hear the catch in my voice as I cast my spells during those fateful days?  Did you sense my hesitation and trepidation?  Probably not.  You had much too much to worry about for yourself and that was the reason I finally pushed back the real me once more and boldly took the mission to destroy the Otherworlder.  Can you imagine the amount of innocent blood that stains these gloved hands of mine?  Of course not, you could barely handle the thought of your race betraying others of your own kind.  What would you do if you knew that I've killed for money, not just bandits and demons, but others as well?  Would those pretty blue eyes just stare in loathing at what's truly inside me?  How can I say?  You are still somewhat of a mystery to me but still, for you I had to add unconquerable bravery and objectiveness to my already complex facade.  Perhaps I should thank you, for now it is almost complete..."

If you could know me,
Would I still be the enemy of all that lives?
Would I still be the one even a dragon wouldn't mess with?
Would I still be the bandit killer?
Would I still be... your friend?

            "And how can I forget you, Sylphiel?  Whose father was killed by the clone of my enemy and Zelgadis' grandfather...  You've lost so much but in doing so you became so much stronger than me.  I can see you just shrugging off the comment with a small protest that I have the magic, but you'd be wrong.  Sure I've got Her power, but the real strength lies in the person.  I can't even show myself to you or anyone else, even myself at times...  Where's the strength in that?  When I met you in Sairaag for the first time, I was jealous of your relationship, strange though it was, with Gourry, but not that I wanted him for myself.  Oh no.  It was that I didn't want to lose one of my anchors in this world.  Surely you of all people can understand that... 

            "I think you saw into me that day when we went to fight the copy of Rezo... the day you saved my life.  I never did repay that debt, but I will.  I swear it!" she vowed quietly.  She paused for a long moment, collecting her thoughts as she watched the moon rise, slowly obliterating the stars behind it with its bright luminescence.  "Could you understand why I hide myself away?  Or would you just shake your head sadly and turn away?  I know I showed you that I'm not what my legends say... 'Bandit Killer', 'Enemy of All Who Live', or 'One Even a Dragon Wouldn't Mess With'.  You know better than that but still, could you accept me as I am truly?  I wish I knew. 

            "For you, my quiet shrine maiden, I added hope, endurance, and a softer side to my mask.  Truly now, it is nearing completion."

If you could know me, really know me,
Then would you see me as the way I see myself?
A scared little girl who'll never be good enough, or pretty enough, or strong enough?
A disgusting little child who'll only be a murderer, and never be good enough at being even that?

            "Lastly... Xelloss," she breathed, her eyes closing against the contradictions of the night sky, her body shaking slightly as a shiver worked its way up her spine.  Sitting up she drew her knees up to her chest and curled her arms around them protectively.  "You are still the most mysterious yet blatantly obvious one of us all...  Yet, could you see inside me?  Could you see past my mask just as I can occasionally see past yours?  You've changed me, Xelloss, for the better or the worst, I'm not sure but a change nonetheless.  You taught me how to keep my mask from slipping even at the most stressing of times.  Like you, I've schooled myself to keep up my act in front of others but I haven't the practice you've had and I'm positive the others have caught it slip more than once.  But what of you?

            "Do you know that for you I could never be good enough, strong enough to catch your attention?  But what would you, a highly ranked Mazoku, want with a pitiful little human anyways?  I know that I have no figure to speak of, no great social skill...  the only thing that I'm remotely good at is killing, and even that leaves something to be desired in comparison to you or many others of the three races.  I'll never match your skill, wit, or catch your eye.  I've wondered more than once why I've even bothered and still, I'm not sure, but it gives me a purpose, a goal.  I know that you're attracted, even maybe love Zelgadis as much as you can, or perhaps Filia…perhaps.  And I doubt very much that you're otherwise hurting for nighttime companions when you so choose, so I'm not sure why I can't just give up like I want to. 

            "Could it be that for you I strive to be the best I can?  Maybe..."  She bent her head to rest her forehead on her knees, eyes closed in thought.  "Can you understand the turmoil of a human soul?  Were you ever human?  You almost had me convinced when we met not that long ago and you told us of a Clair Bible manuscript held by the bandit gang...what was it now, the Dragon's Blood Macho Men?  I'm not sure anymore, so many enemies, so many faces, so many names... "  She sighed softly.  "What would you do if you could see me; if you could know me?  You would see a human child, a murderer, an insolent mortal with power far beyond what any being ought to be granted, a lonely little girl afraid of the world and herself... all hidden behind a mask of bravado, power, sharp words, and a sharper temper.  That's what you'd see, wouldn't you?  No one could like that.  I don't.  But tell me..."

If you could know me,
What would you see?
Would I like what you saw?
Would you forgive what you saw?
If you could know me,
Tell me, what would I be?

            "Tell me, could you find it somewhere inside yourself to like me again, as you seem to like how I am with my mask?  I know that as a human, I'm interesting to you, or at least who you think I am is.  Despite your nature, could you forgive me?  Because of what I sought to achieve, to not let down your opinion of me, I was relentless in my pursuit of power and riches.  I perfected my facade, but with one flaw... I'm still human.  I still wonder, I still care, I still fear deep down inside and my biggest fear is that I would be alone if anyone, especially you, knew me. 

            "I've one last question for you, Xelloss, if you could really know me, tell me, what would I be?"

            "Mine."

~end of chapter one~

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Well, that's my poem-fic... comments?  Flames?  Suggestions?  Lemme know.

Many, many thanks to Anji Michalski for her great poem which was my inspiration *bows to Anji*

Well, that's my little shpeal... *grins*  Ja ne! 

~Ishy-chan