Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created
and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited
to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, Raincoast Books, and Warner
Brothers Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark
infringement is intended.
The Dursley's, owners of Number Four Privet Drive, prided themselves on being absolutely normal. There was nothing odd in their house; every inch was perfectly clean, every item was in its proper place, and not a speck of dust could be seen. This was the rule, except in the smallest bedroom of the house. An owl, a small teenage boy with black hair, and the most amazing bird occupied the bedroom at the moment, which earlier had been made a mess by the angry teenager.
Early that morning, Harry Potter had woken up from a fitful sleep by the tapping of an owl on his window. The owl carried a note from the Order of the Phoenix, which stated that he should not leave the Dursley's yard to go on his usual morning run, nor should he leave the house at all except for an emergency. There were no reasons and no more to the letter than that. To Harry, that letter was the last straw; he was already angry with the Order for all their lies and betrayals last year, and now it seemed they were going to do it again. His anger continued to grow throughout the morning, as the furniture and items in the room could attest to, and even the affection of his loyal owl, Hedwig, could not change his mood. Hedwig, having a particular strong bond with her master, left to bring Harry some help. Later that evening she reappeared with Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes.
Several hours later, having calmed down considerably due to the magical singing of Fawkes, scrapes of quill on parchment could be heard as Harry sat at his desk and wrote a letter to the man he blamed for many of his current problems - Albus Dumbledore. Pieces of crumbled parchment lay strewn on the floor around him as he worked on his particularly long and angered letter.
Headmaster,
Fawkes has been with me for the last couple hours, so hopefully this
message will be as respectful as I can make it under the current
conditions.
For a year now I have felt completed betrayed and neglected by you.
After witnessing the death of a classmate, being tortured and used in
the resurrection of Voldemort, and barely managing to escape death
twice, you decided to send me back here to my prison. Now you have
told me about my protection here. I can at least begin to understand
some of your reasons. However, you then ordered my best friends to
make their letters as vague as possible so not tell me anything
important. You violated my privacy by having me followed by invisible
guards with out my knowledge. You kept me isolated from my world, you
kept me ignorant of my situation, and you claim to do so for my
protection and "love." Tell me Headmaster, do you know how many times
I thought of killing myself last year? I have been severely neglected
and abused since I was just one year old; I have been hated and seen
only as a burden, used as a slave, and treated far worse than most
house elves. I thought I had finally found people that cared about me,
and then they too abandoned me. How hard would it have been to let me
know I was being followed? To let me at least talk to someone who
didn't wince at my presence? To let me know someone cared? How hard
would it have been to let my friends write a real letter and have it
hand delivered by one of my guards? They would have been here
anyway... And of course, what good did all your protection do? The one
time I needed it, I was attacked. Once again had to take care of
myself! I am actually quite glad that Umbridge sent the Dementors
after me; at least I got moved and I was able to see my friends and
those I consider family.
Hedwig is the only one who has not betrayed me; she stayed with me the
majority of last summer. During the nights when I had nightmares and
would wake up screaming, she would be there for me. She would stay
with me instead of hunting so that I would have someone. When the
guilt was too much and I wanted to just die, she was there. She never
gave up on me, and constantly would show she cared. When everyone that
said they care had abandoned me, she was there. Where were you and
your so-called love?
However, that wasn't enough of a betrayal for you. You decided that
keeping me ignorant was the best option for me. How many times do I
have to show you fools that keeping me ignorant will have bad results?
You all kept me ignorant about Sirius wanting to kill me in third
year, and kept me ignorant about him being my godfather until he told
me himself. What was the outcome? I found out anyway, and I once again
felt betrayed by those that supposedly care. If he had been a
murderer, I would be dead. That is what ignorance brings Dumbledore -
death!
You, of all people, should see that. You, who say that only way to
fight evil like Voldemort is with trust, unity, and knowledge. Where
was that trust last year? Where was the knowledge that Voldemort would
try to lure me to the Department of Ministries? I asked at the end of
my first year why Voldemort wanted me dead, and you lied to me. You
can call it misleading, or however else you justify it, but to me it
was and will remain a lie. You should have told me the Prophecy then.
If you wished not to tell me the contents of it, then you could've at
least told me that one existed. You should have told me the contents
of it at the end of third year when we both knew Voldemort would be
coming back. You should have told me during Fourth year when you
suspected Voldemort's plans. You should have told me after Voldemort
used me and tried to kill me at the end of fourth year. You should
have told me at the beginning of fifth year when you knew he was
reborn and would be after me. Yet you didn't. Cedric... And Sirius...
How many others have to die because of your mistakes? If I had known,
I could have been prepared! I could have studied harder, learned more,
and expected this to happen, but instead you chose to keep me safe and
two people have paid with their lives. It could have been much worse.
If you had arrived a bit later at the Ministry, I would probably be
dead. What weapon would you use to kill Voldemort with then? You
nearly handed him the victory.
Do you know how much I respected you, looked up to you, and how much
faith I had in you? I thought of you not as a headmaster but as a
grandfather I never had. Can you understand how much it hurt me when
you wouldn't even look at me? When you would barely even talk to me?
I thought I had done something horribly wrong; I thought you blamed me
for Voldemort's return, for the death of Cedric, for the situation
with the Ministry and nearly getting expelled. Do you know how much
that killed me inside? How many times I wished you would just look at
me, to just talk to me like you used to?
This year it seems to be the same thing all over again. I'm being sent
back to my prison, locked up, and not allowed to talk to anyone. My
friends' letters are being checked to make sure they don't say
anything worthwhile. The one time a person does act like they care;
they get in trouble for it! It's funny really, all these people "love"
me and yet the only one who shows that they even care at all is a
person I barely know. Tonks, of all people, saw how much pain I was
in, and she saw that I hadn't slept in days. She helped me back to my
room after I'd almost passed out and talked to me for a while. She was
the first person to really do so. She helped me so much in a short
time. Because of her, I understand that it wasn't completely my fault
that Sirius died. She asked me a simple question - if a similar
situation happened again, would I make the same decision? The answer
is yes. The fact is I saw a vision of my godfather being tortured, so
I broke into Umbridge's office to make sure he wasn't at home.
Kreacher lied to me, saying Sirius wasn't home. You and McGonagall
were gone, and I tried to inform Snape, but he wouldn't listen. I was
nearly tortured with the Cruciatus Curse from Umbridge while the
members of Umbridge's Inquisitorial Squad held my friends captive.
Thankfully, some quick lies from Hermione and we were able to escape
Umbridge in the Forbidden Forest. I tried to talk Ron Weasley,
Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood
from going, but they kept insisting. And we went. Had I known
Voldemort wanted the Prophecy, I wouldn't have gone; had I known he
was trying to lure me out of Hogwarts I wouldn't have gone. But I did
not know these things. I made the only choice I could and still be
true to myself. Tonks mentioned that running during the morning and
evening - and if I needed to, through out the day - would help me get
more sleep and help with my emotions. She helped me more than anyone
else and what does she get for it? She gets yelled at for showing me
that she cares enough to help!
This morning I got a letter saying that I should stay indoors and that
I'm not allowed to go on my runs anymore. Why don't you just send me
to Azkaban? It would amount to the same freedom; all I have now are my
thoughts, and all I can think of are my worst memories... At least in
Azkaban I would have a reason for them... No reasons, no explanations,
just the same thing as last year. You're keeping me in the dark again,
and I believe it will have some very bad consequences.
Do you have any idea how angry I am? How angry I am at you, my
friends, Hogwarts, even at the Wizarding world? Since I entered the
Wizarding world less than six years ago, I went from a boy that lived
in a cupboard with the trash to the famous Boy-Who-Lived that everyone
was in awe of. People would gawk at my scar and whisper wherever I
went. Then, in just my second year, my peers thought I was the Heir of
Slytherin and therefore responsible for the attacks on students. I was
insulted and ridiculed in the very walls that I considered my home.
The next year, most believed that I was about to die at anytime, and I
was treated as if I was on my deathbed. In my fourth year, I was some
attention-seeking child that most of the school despised. Last year,
not only was I some attention-seeking child, I was a demented and
delusional murder as well. All I ever wanted was to be just Harry, and
to have people that cared about me. And now, I have no family,
everyone I cared for has betrayed me, and I have the weight of the
bloody world on my shoulders!
When I'm locked up in my room like this all I can think of is of
revenge. I want to kill Bellatrix, hurt her the way she hurt me by
taking Sirius. All I want and dream about is her screaming in pain,
seeing a green flash hit her and then her body falling to the ground.
I hate myself for wanting to kill her, but I can't help it. You keep
me locked up in this bloody room, unable to talk to anyone, unable to
run, unable to even go outside; all I can do is dwell on revenge. Did
you know I cast the Cruciatus curse on her? It was right after she
killed Sirius. I fought her and she kept insulting how Sirius died. I
hated her, and, for that one moment, I wanted to make her hurt as
badly as I did. For a moment it worked; she fell and screamed. It
didn't last, though. She said righteous anger wouldn't work on
Unforgivable curses, that you had to truly want to hear them scream,
want to truly enjoy it. I was so disgusted with myself afterwards; I
couldn't believe how much hate I had in me. How could anyone hate more
than I did at the moment? How could the Death Eaters live like that?
You told me the reason you hid the truth from me was because you cared
about me, now prove it. This is my plea for help. I don't want to
become like that. I don't want to hate. I don't want to think about
death. I don't want to think about revenge. With the way things are
right now and the way I am treated, this is all I can do.
You are not my father. You are the headmaster of my school. I may
have to listen to you during the school year, but this is not
Hogwarts. If things do not change I will completely disregard any and
everything you have said and do as I believe is best for me. Hopefully
you will see the light of this and change the way we are currently
heading.
First of all, you will not order me around here; you can make
suggestions and I will, more than likely, follow them. However, you
will have to tell me the reason why. If I don't follow your
suggestions, I will have a very good reason and will inform you of it.
Telling me to stay indoors and not give a reason will not work; I will
completely disregard any such advice.
Secondly, since I will be fighting Voldemort until one of us dies, I
need to be prepared. I doubt normal school books will work. As I am
unable to leave the house and cannot go to Diagon Alley to buy some
more books, I will need you to select some for me. I have nowhere near
your knowledge and will leave it up to you as to which ones I should
learn from first. I would like to suggest only advanced books above
NEWTS level. Charge me from my vault; I can give someone my key or my
permission to use my vault.
Third, I will need to practice magic over the summer. I don't care
what you have to do, who you have to convince, if you have tell
someone the Prophecy, or even do it illegally. Just get it done.
Fourth, if I am not allowed to leave the Dursley's house, some
alternative will be required, as I will need more space than my
bedroom currently offers. The summer after my third year, the
Weasley's, Hermione, and I stayed in a tent that had a house in it for
the World Cup. Mr. Weasley said that there are all sorts of different
but similar charmed tents. Could you perhaps perform a charm like this
so that I can have my own house with a large field out back? I'll need
something with enough room to allow me to run and practice dueling. A
kitchen would be great; though my relatives are feeding me a lot more
than normal, it is still barely enough for me to sustain myself. Once
again, just charge my Gringott's vault. I've barely touched my vault;
I've only been buying presents, school supplies, and candy.
Next, I'd like a secure way to communicate with my friends. It does
not have to be frequent; even having someone to hand deliver messages
once a week would be acceptable.
Number six is Occlumency. I have learned the importance of this and
would like to be able to continue with my education of Occlumency and
possibly Legimency. However, I will not, under any circumstances, work
with that slimy git, Snape. His lessons did not seem to help; they
generally made it much worse and my mind would be much more open to
intrusion after the lessons. A book on the subject or another tutor
would be most appreciated.
My seventh request is information regarding Voldemort and the war. If
I am to ever defeat him I must know a lot more about him and the war
than I currently do. I am not requiring acceptance into the Order or
knowledge of the Order's work, just information. I understand that the
members are risking their lives and I would not want to be another
liability, however I will need to be informed of what is happening,
not kept in the dark for my "own safety" like I currently am.
Next, I would like to see Sirius' name cleared. He would've wanted it
and I believe he deserves it even in death. Sirius was innocent and
the public should know that.
My ninth request is that when I am being watched, I shall know. I can
accept the fact that I will need to give up some of my freedoms for
protection, but what you did last year was well past what needed to be
done. I will know who is watching me and when. My life is not the
Order's business! I've had very little privacy in my life as it is,
and I know I am closely watched at Hogwarts as well. Anyone watching
or guarding me is to stay good distance away, outside of hearing
range. The Order does not need to know everything I am doing. You are
not to discuss myself, my actions, my plans, or anything else relating
to me with the Order. Members of the Order that watch me are not
allowed to mention a word to anyone else about what they saw,
including to other Order members. If they absolutely must mention
something, it will be to you and you only. I understand that you must
protect me and I will try and accommodate you, but I will not give up
all my rights for you to do so. If the Order needs to discuss me then
I will be part of that discussion. Under no circumstances is the Order
to discuss me while I am not present.
Lastly, you will apologize to Tonks; she did nothing wrong! She helped
me more than all the rest of you put together.
My demands one through four as well as nine and ten will need to be
dealt with as soon as possible, hopefully within the next couple days.
Five through eight you may take more time on.
Harry James Potter
Harry, satisfied with the final version of his letter, rolled it up and gave it to Fawkes to deliver to Dumbledore. Fawkes, wanting to make sure Harry would get a good night's sleep, flew to the bed and trilled until Harry got the idea. After Harry had lain down, Fawkes hopped down onto the bed and sang lightly, after only minute of singing Harry fell into a dreamless sleep.
After he woke the next morning it took Harry a few moments to remember why he had a truly refreshing and needed sleep. Memories of Fawkes, the letter, and not being able to go on his run set in and effectively destroyed his content mood. On his desk he saw a piece of parchment addressed to him.
Dear Harry,
Please forgive the failings of an old man. I have made many mistakes
and I will do my best to rectify them. I am very sorry for any
unnecessary pain I may have caused you. All I can say is that I did
what I believed to be the best course of action at the time. I could
of course explain my reasons for making each of those choices in hope
that you could forgive me, however those would just be words on a
parchment. Hopefully my actions from here on will show you the truth
of what I have said and of the love that I have for you, Harry. Please
allow me the chance to earn back your trust and more importantly your
love.
I assure you I have no desire to repeat the mistakes that I have made
in the past. I am currently away from the country for a meeting with
the International Confederation and have no knowledge of the letter to
keep you indoors or any problems involving Miss Tonks. I am sure there
is a very good reason as to why it would be safest for you to stay
within your house and will look into it myself tomorrow. I would
advise you to please take the letter very seriously until tomorrow
when I can inform you of the reason.
I not only see little problem with the demands you have listed; I am
actually quite pleased with them. I am glad you are willing to
accommodate some lack of freedom for your protection, and I will be
pleased to try and accommodate you as much as possible. You are
correct - you do deserve to know why you should or should not do
something, as well as knowing who will be watching you. I am sorry to
say that the Order must sometimes talk about you; you are and will be
a large part of this war, Harry. I wish it could be otherwise, but
alas, I have learned the lesson of trying to keep things from you.
However, I do agree that you need your privacy and will make sure that
your watchers do not speak about what you do to anyone beside myself.
I will also keep what the Order knows about you and your activities to
a minimum; I hope you can understand that some things, such as your
whereabouts, must be talked about within the Order.
As for your second and third demands, I believe studying would be of
great help to you even if you were not mentioned in the prophecy. I,
myself, have never seen the reason as to why one should not be able to
practice magic until they are of age. Unfortunately I do not have the
ability to change the law in such a way. I will however, do my best to
get you permission to use magic even though you are underage. There
are few ways in which to avoid magical detection, but I do not believe
any of those would be sufficient in this case. If I cannot get you
permission to perform magic, I will move you to a location where you
will be able to use magic the moment the wards around your house are
sufficiently strengthened. I have several libraries that I can select
books from that I think you will find most helpful. I also believe
learning to Apparate would be of great benefit for you and I will try
to get your Apparation license early.
Your suggestion of using a magically enlarged tent is brilliant and
would be more secure than having you run outside. This would also have
the added benefit of allowing you to leave Privet Drive sooner, the
more time you spend inside the boundaries of the wards, the faster
they will strengthen. Normally only an extremely expensive and top of
the line tent would contain a house as well a large enough field, so I
would first like to see if Minerva and Filius would be able to create
one for you in a timely manner.
On the subject of Occlumency, I am afraid I do not know how much a
book alone will help you. The few books that I have on the subject are
more for scientific research on the workings of the brain. I will,
however, look for one that may help you or procure another way for you
to learn. With the position of the ministry last year and Professor
Umbridge's involvement in Hogwarts, I had limited options to help you
be taught. Now that they have recognized the return of Voldemort, I
find myself with more freedom.
I have already started the process of clearing Sirius' name, but it
will take time. This is also of great importance to the members of the
Order and myself; he was a good friend to many of us.
I know it must be very difficult on you right now and though I may not
understand all of which you are going through, I do understand grief;
do not let your anger get to you, Harry. If you were to try to think
of something happy every time you hurt, it could help. You must be
thinking that I am as senile as some people believe, but it does help.
Force yourself to remember the best times in your life, times with
your friends, Sirius, playing Quidditch; the thoughts similar to those
used for creating a Patronus could help you more than you think. You
will gradually find that you are not as angry, sad, or without hope as
you were before.
There is no quick or easy way to make the hurt go away, but with time,
work and help, you can get through this.
There are many subjects of we need to discuss, but with the way our
last conversation ended, I thought it was best to let you grieve
before mentioning them. When you believe you are up to the
conversations, I will be an owl away.
Sincerely,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
The Dursley's, owners of Number Four Privet Drive, prided themselves on being absolutely normal. There was nothing odd in their house; every inch was perfectly clean, every item was in its proper place, and not a speck of dust could be seen. This was the rule, except in the smallest bedroom of the house. An owl, a small teenage boy with black hair, and the most amazing bird occupied the bedroom at the moment, which earlier had been made a mess by the angry teenager.
Early that morning, Harry Potter had woken up from a fitful sleep by the tapping of an owl on his window. The owl carried a note from the Order of the Phoenix, which stated that he should not leave the Dursley's yard to go on his usual morning run, nor should he leave the house at all except for an emergency. There were no reasons and no more to the letter than that. To Harry, that letter was the last straw; he was already angry with the Order for all their lies and betrayals last year, and now it seemed they were going to do it again. His anger continued to grow throughout the morning, as the furniture and items in the room could attest to, and even the affection of his loyal owl, Hedwig, could not change his mood. Hedwig, having a particular strong bond with her master, left to bring Harry some help. Later that evening she reappeared with Dumbledore's phoenix, Fawkes.
Several hours later, having calmed down considerably due to the magical singing of Fawkes, scrapes of quill on parchment could be heard as Harry sat at his desk and wrote a letter to the man he blamed for many of his current problems - Albus Dumbledore. Pieces of crumbled parchment lay strewn on the floor around him as he worked on his particularly long and angered letter.
Headmaster,
Fawkes has been with me for the last couple hours, so hopefully this
message will be as respectful as I can make it under the current
conditions.
For a year now I have felt completed betrayed and neglected by you.
After witnessing the death of a classmate, being tortured and used in
the resurrection of Voldemort, and barely managing to escape death
twice, you decided to send me back here to my prison. Now you have
told me about my protection here. I can at least begin to understand
some of your reasons. However, you then ordered my best friends to
make their letters as vague as possible so not tell me anything
important. You violated my privacy by having me followed by invisible
guards with out my knowledge. You kept me isolated from my world, you
kept me ignorant of my situation, and you claim to do so for my
protection and "love." Tell me Headmaster, do you know how many times
I thought of killing myself last year? I have been severely neglected
and abused since I was just one year old; I have been hated and seen
only as a burden, used as a slave, and treated far worse than most
house elves. I thought I had finally found people that cared about me,
and then they too abandoned me. How hard would it have been to let me
know I was being followed? To let me at least talk to someone who
didn't wince at my presence? To let me know someone cared? How hard
would it have been to let my friends write a real letter and have it
hand delivered by one of my guards? They would have been here
anyway... And of course, what good did all your protection do? The one
time I needed it, I was attacked. Once again had to take care of
myself! I am actually quite glad that Umbridge sent the Dementors
after me; at least I got moved and I was able to see my friends and
those I consider family.
Hedwig is the only one who has not betrayed me; she stayed with me the
majority of last summer. During the nights when I had nightmares and
would wake up screaming, she would be there for me. She would stay
with me instead of hunting so that I would have someone. When the
guilt was too much and I wanted to just die, she was there. She never
gave up on me, and constantly would show she cared. When everyone that
said they care had abandoned me, she was there. Where were you and
your so-called love?
However, that wasn't enough of a betrayal for you. You decided that
keeping me ignorant was the best option for me. How many times do I
have to show you fools that keeping me ignorant will have bad results?
You all kept me ignorant about Sirius wanting to kill me in third
year, and kept me ignorant about him being my godfather until he told
me himself. What was the outcome? I found out anyway, and I once again
felt betrayed by those that supposedly care. If he had been a
murderer, I would be dead. That is what ignorance brings Dumbledore -
death!
You, of all people, should see that. You, who say that only way to
fight evil like Voldemort is with trust, unity, and knowledge. Where
was that trust last year? Where was the knowledge that Voldemort would
try to lure me to the Department of Ministries? I asked at the end of
my first year why Voldemort wanted me dead, and you lied to me. You
can call it misleading, or however else you justify it, but to me it
was and will remain a lie. You should have told me the Prophecy then.
If you wished not to tell me the contents of it, then you could've at
least told me that one existed. You should have told me the contents
of it at the end of third year when we both knew Voldemort would be
coming back. You should have told me during Fourth year when you
suspected Voldemort's plans. You should have told me after Voldemort
used me and tried to kill me at the end of fourth year. You should
have told me at the beginning of fifth year when you knew he was
reborn and would be after me. Yet you didn't. Cedric... And Sirius...
How many others have to die because of your mistakes? If I had known,
I could have been prepared! I could have studied harder, learned more,
and expected this to happen, but instead you chose to keep me safe and
two people have paid with their lives. It could have been much worse.
If you had arrived a bit later at the Ministry, I would probably be
dead. What weapon would you use to kill Voldemort with then? You
nearly handed him the victory.
Do you know how much I respected you, looked up to you, and how much
faith I had in you? I thought of you not as a headmaster but as a
grandfather I never had. Can you understand how much it hurt me when
you wouldn't even look at me? When you would barely even talk to me?
I thought I had done something horribly wrong; I thought you blamed me
for Voldemort's return, for the death of Cedric, for the situation
with the Ministry and nearly getting expelled. Do you know how much
that killed me inside? How many times I wished you would just look at
me, to just talk to me like you used to?
This year it seems to be the same thing all over again. I'm being sent
back to my prison, locked up, and not allowed to talk to anyone. My
friends' letters are being checked to make sure they don't say
anything worthwhile. The one time a person does act like they care;
they get in trouble for it! It's funny really, all these people "love"
me and yet the only one who shows that they even care at all is a
person I barely know. Tonks, of all people, saw how much pain I was
in, and she saw that I hadn't slept in days. She helped me back to my
room after I'd almost passed out and talked to me for a while. She was
the first person to really do so. She helped me so much in a short
time. Because of her, I understand that it wasn't completely my fault
that Sirius died. She asked me a simple question - if a similar
situation happened again, would I make the same decision? The answer
is yes. The fact is I saw a vision of my godfather being tortured, so
I broke into Umbridge's office to make sure he wasn't at home.
Kreacher lied to me, saying Sirius wasn't home. You and McGonagall
were gone, and I tried to inform Snape, but he wouldn't listen. I was
nearly tortured with the Cruciatus Curse from Umbridge while the
members of Umbridge's Inquisitorial Squad held my friends captive.
Thankfully, some quick lies from Hermione and we were able to escape
Umbridge in the Forbidden Forest. I tried to talk Ron Weasley,
Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood
from going, but they kept insisting. And we went. Had I known
Voldemort wanted the Prophecy, I wouldn't have gone; had I known he
was trying to lure me out of Hogwarts I wouldn't have gone. But I did
not know these things. I made the only choice I could and still be
true to myself. Tonks mentioned that running during the morning and
evening - and if I needed to, through out the day - would help me get
more sleep and help with my emotions. She helped me more than anyone
else and what does she get for it? She gets yelled at for showing me
that she cares enough to help!
This morning I got a letter saying that I should stay indoors and that
I'm not allowed to go on my runs anymore. Why don't you just send me
to Azkaban? It would amount to the same freedom; all I have now are my
thoughts, and all I can think of are my worst memories... At least in
Azkaban I would have a reason for them... No reasons, no explanations,
just the same thing as last year. You're keeping me in the dark again,
and I believe it will have some very bad consequences.
Do you have any idea how angry I am? How angry I am at you, my
friends, Hogwarts, even at the Wizarding world? Since I entered the
Wizarding world less than six years ago, I went from a boy that lived
in a cupboard with the trash to the famous Boy-Who-Lived that everyone
was in awe of. People would gawk at my scar and whisper wherever I
went. Then, in just my second year, my peers thought I was the Heir of
Slytherin and therefore responsible for the attacks on students. I was
insulted and ridiculed in the very walls that I considered my home.
The next year, most believed that I was about to die at anytime, and I
was treated as if I was on my deathbed. In my fourth year, I was some
attention-seeking child that most of the school despised. Last year,
not only was I some attention-seeking child, I was a demented and
delusional murder as well. All I ever wanted was to be just Harry, and
to have people that cared about me. And now, I have no family,
everyone I cared for has betrayed me, and I have the weight of the
bloody world on my shoulders!
When I'm locked up in my room like this all I can think of is of
revenge. I want to kill Bellatrix, hurt her the way she hurt me by
taking Sirius. All I want and dream about is her screaming in pain,
seeing a green flash hit her and then her body falling to the ground.
I hate myself for wanting to kill her, but I can't help it. You keep
me locked up in this bloody room, unable to talk to anyone, unable to
run, unable to even go outside; all I can do is dwell on revenge. Did
you know I cast the Cruciatus curse on her? It was right after she
killed Sirius. I fought her and she kept insulting how Sirius died. I
hated her, and, for that one moment, I wanted to make her hurt as
badly as I did. For a moment it worked; she fell and screamed. It
didn't last, though. She said righteous anger wouldn't work on
Unforgivable curses, that you had to truly want to hear them scream,
want to truly enjoy it. I was so disgusted with myself afterwards; I
couldn't believe how much hate I had in me. How could anyone hate more
than I did at the moment? How could the Death Eaters live like that?
You told me the reason you hid the truth from me was because you cared
about me, now prove it. This is my plea for help. I don't want to
become like that. I don't want to hate. I don't want to think about
death. I don't want to think about revenge. With the way things are
right now and the way I am treated, this is all I can do.
You are not my father. You are the headmaster of my school. I may
have to listen to you during the school year, but this is not
Hogwarts. If things do not change I will completely disregard any and
everything you have said and do as I believe is best for me. Hopefully
you will see the light of this and change the way we are currently
heading.
First of all, you will not order me around here; you can make
suggestions and I will, more than likely, follow them. However, you
will have to tell me the reason why. If I don't follow your
suggestions, I will have a very good reason and will inform you of it.
Telling me to stay indoors and not give a reason will not work; I will
completely disregard any such advice.
Secondly, since I will be fighting Voldemort until one of us dies, I
need to be prepared. I doubt normal school books will work. As I am
unable to leave the house and cannot go to Diagon Alley to buy some
more books, I will need you to select some for me. I have nowhere near
your knowledge and will leave it up to you as to which ones I should
learn from first. I would like to suggest only advanced books above
NEWTS level. Charge me from my vault; I can give someone my key or my
permission to use my vault.
Third, I will need to practice magic over the summer. I don't care
what you have to do, who you have to convince, if you have tell
someone the Prophecy, or even do it illegally. Just get it done.
Fourth, if I am not allowed to leave the Dursley's house, some
alternative will be required, as I will need more space than my
bedroom currently offers. The summer after my third year, the
Weasley's, Hermione, and I stayed in a tent that had a house in it for
the World Cup. Mr. Weasley said that there are all sorts of different
but similar charmed tents. Could you perhaps perform a charm like this
so that I can have my own house with a large field out back? I'll need
something with enough room to allow me to run and practice dueling. A
kitchen would be great; though my relatives are feeding me a lot more
than normal, it is still barely enough for me to sustain myself. Once
again, just charge my Gringott's vault. I've barely touched my vault;
I've only been buying presents, school supplies, and candy.
Next, I'd like a secure way to communicate with my friends. It does
not have to be frequent; even having someone to hand deliver messages
once a week would be acceptable.
Number six is Occlumency. I have learned the importance of this and
would like to be able to continue with my education of Occlumency and
possibly Legimency. However, I will not, under any circumstances, work
with that slimy git, Snape. His lessons did not seem to help; they
generally made it much worse and my mind would be much more open to
intrusion after the lessons. A book on the subject or another tutor
would be most appreciated.
My seventh request is information regarding Voldemort and the war. If
I am to ever defeat him I must know a lot more about him and the war
than I currently do. I am not requiring acceptance into the Order or
knowledge of the Order's work, just information. I understand that the
members are risking their lives and I would not want to be another
liability, however I will need to be informed of what is happening,
not kept in the dark for my "own safety" like I currently am.
Next, I would like to see Sirius' name cleared. He would've wanted it
and I believe he deserves it even in death. Sirius was innocent and
the public should know that.
My ninth request is that when I am being watched, I shall know. I can
accept the fact that I will need to give up some of my freedoms for
protection, but what you did last year was well past what needed to be
done. I will know who is watching me and when. My life is not the
Order's business! I've had very little privacy in my life as it is,
and I know I am closely watched at Hogwarts as well. Anyone watching
or guarding me is to stay good distance away, outside of hearing
range. The Order does not need to know everything I am doing. You are
not to discuss myself, my actions, my plans, or anything else relating
to me with the Order. Members of the Order that watch me are not
allowed to mention a word to anyone else about what they saw,
including to other Order members. If they absolutely must mention
something, it will be to you and you only. I understand that you must
protect me and I will try and accommodate you, but I will not give up
all my rights for you to do so. If the Order needs to discuss me then
I will be part of that discussion. Under no circumstances is the Order
to discuss me while I am not present.
Lastly, you will apologize to Tonks; she did nothing wrong! She helped
me more than all the rest of you put together.
My demands one through four as well as nine and ten will need to be
dealt with as soon as possible, hopefully within the next couple days.
Five through eight you may take more time on.
Harry James Potter
Harry, satisfied with the final version of his letter, rolled it up and gave it to Fawkes to deliver to Dumbledore. Fawkes, wanting to make sure Harry would get a good night's sleep, flew to the bed and trilled until Harry got the idea. After Harry had lain down, Fawkes hopped down onto the bed and sang lightly, after only minute of singing Harry fell into a dreamless sleep.
After he woke the next morning it took Harry a few moments to remember why he had a truly refreshing and needed sleep. Memories of Fawkes, the letter, and not being able to go on his run set in and effectively destroyed his content mood. On his desk he saw a piece of parchment addressed to him.
Dear Harry,
Please forgive the failings of an old man. I have made many mistakes
and I will do my best to rectify them. I am very sorry for any
unnecessary pain I may have caused you. All I can say is that I did
what I believed to be the best course of action at the time. I could
of course explain my reasons for making each of those choices in hope
that you could forgive me, however those would just be words on a
parchment. Hopefully my actions from here on will show you the truth
of what I have said and of the love that I have for you, Harry. Please
allow me the chance to earn back your trust and more importantly your
love.
I assure you I have no desire to repeat the mistakes that I have made
in the past. I am currently away from the country for a meeting with
the International Confederation and have no knowledge of the letter to
keep you indoors or any problems involving Miss Tonks. I am sure there
is a very good reason as to why it would be safest for you to stay
within your house and will look into it myself tomorrow. I would
advise you to please take the letter very seriously until tomorrow
when I can inform you of the reason.
I not only see little problem with the demands you have listed; I am
actually quite pleased with them. I am glad you are willing to
accommodate some lack of freedom for your protection, and I will be
pleased to try and accommodate you as much as possible. You are
correct - you do deserve to know why you should or should not do
something, as well as knowing who will be watching you. I am sorry to
say that the Order must sometimes talk about you; you are and will be
a large part of this war, Harry. I wish it could be otherwise, but
alas, I have learned the lesson of trying to keep things from you.
However, I do agree that you need your privacy and will make sure that
your watchers do not speak about what you do to anyone beside myself.
I will also keep what the Order knows about you and your activities to
a minimum; I hope you can understand that some things, such as your
whereabouts, must be talked about within the Order.
As for your second and third demands, I believe studying would be of
great help to you even if you were not mentioned in the prophecy. I,
myself, have never seen the reason as to why one should not be able to
practice magic until they are of age. Unfortunately I do not have the
ability to change the law in such a way. I will however, do my best to
get you permission to use magic even though you are underage. There
are few ways in which to avoid magical detection, but I do not believe
any of those would be sufficient in this case. If I cannot get you
permission to perform magic, I will move you to a location where you
will be able to use magic the moment the wards around your house are
sufficiently strengthened. I have several libraries that I can select
books from that I think you will find most helpful. I also believe
learning to Apparate would be of great benefit for you and I will try
to get your Apparation license early.
Your suggestion of using a magically enlarged tent is brilliant and
would be more secure than having you run outside. This would also have
the added benefit of allowing you to leave Privet Drive sooner, the
more time you spend inside the boundaries of the wards, the faster
they will strengthen. Normally only an extremely expensive and top of
the line tent would contain a house as well a large enough field, so I
would first like to see if Minerva and Filius would be able to create
one for you in a timely manner.
On the subject of Occlumency, I am afraid I do not know how much a
book alone will help you. The few books that I have on the subject are
more for scientific research on the workings of the brain. I will,
however, look for one that may help you or procure another way for you
to learn. With the position of the ministry last year and Professor
Umbridge's involvement in Hogwarts, I had limited options to help you
be taught. Now that they have recognized the return of Voldemort, I
find myself with more freedom.
I have already started the process of clearing Sirius' name, but it
will take time. This is also of great importance to the members of the
Order and myself; he was a good friend to many of us.
I know it must be very difficult on you right now and though I may not
understand all of which you are going through, I do understand grief;
do not let your anger get to you, Harry. If you were to try to think
of something happy every time you hurt, it could help. You must be
thinking that I am as senile as some people believe, but it does help.
Force yourself to remember the best times in your life, times with
your friends, Sirius, playing Quidditch; the thoughts similar to those
used for creating a Patronus could help you more than you think. You
will gradually find that you are not as angry, sad, or without hope as
you were before.
There is no quick or easy way to make the hurt go away, but with time,
work and help, you can get through this.
There are many subjects of we need to discuss, but with the way our
last conversation ended, I thought it was best to let you grieve
before mentioning them. When you believe you are up to the
conversations, I will be an owl away.
Sincerely,
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore