On the way back to the shrine, I thought over everything that had happened, especially my sudden anger. It had been years since I had been furious, so long since I had felt any emotion. Ever since I had died and been placed inside my new body, I had been changing. I wasn't sure what I thought about the changes, or what the others would think of them. Perhaps they would not even care.

Still, my anger with them had been completely uncalled for. They had been worried about me, and they had wanted to protect me. It felt strange for someone to protect me and not harm me, but not one of them had ever raised a hand to me. They were a strange bunch, but the boys reminded me that not everyone was abusive. Some people even protected others.

It would have been nice if we had not had to leave simply because I was weak. I needed to become stronger somehow. Perhaps Hiei would help train me a little more and maybe teach me a way to protect my mind.

I suddenly wanted to curl up in a corner and hide away forever. Tension tightened my shoulders and my head ached atrociously. I had been such a hindrance to them, and they had certainly deserved better from me.

For a moment I wanted the boys to punish me for my failure like my mother had always done. If they did, I could find stability and the horrible feelings would go away. I wanted to go back to the way I was before I had begun to regain my emotions. It hurt so much.

When we finally reached the shrine I had the sudden urge to go and hide. Not to keep Genkai from finding out how badly I had done, but to just get away from everyone. Yusuke and Kuwabara chatted, their voices grated on me, making my head hurt worse. Kurama made a comment now and then, the noise pressing against me from all sides.

I wasn't sure how much I could take. I needed some peace and quiet so I could calm down and convince my head to stop hurting. I wanted to be left alone for a while so I could attempt to find some kind of balance inside of me.

"Back already?" Genkai asked as she slid open the door, one eyebrow raised. "Things either went very badly or very well." Her gaze flicked from one person to another, and she frowned slightly when she looked at me. Some kind of uncomfortable emotion stabbed through me. Did she know that I had screwed up so badly? Was she angry with me?

"It was a little of both, actually," Kurama replied easily, slipping into the shrine. "We gained a good portion of intelligence."

"And one of our enemies decided to make himself known," Yusuke added, following Kurama.

Steeling myself, I forced my feelings down as best as I could and entered the shrine as well, Kuwabara close on my heels. After a moment I was surprised to see that even Hiei came inside, and Genkai closed the door behind us all.

"So tell me what happened," Genkai demanded, taking a seat.

Kurama related everything to the old woman, with Yusuke and Kuwabara adding their own bits and pieces. I curled up in the corner, trying hard to keep my face blank as their words flowed around me without my really hearing them. Whenever anyone's attention drifted to me, my body instantly stiffened up. My heart rate increased, and I hugged my legs to my chest. I was thankful whenever they went back to ignoring me.

When they began talking about the information I had obtained, my mind flashed back to those men touching me. Suddenly I could feel their hands on me again, and my stomach began to roll while my skin crawled. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to clear my mind, but that made the sensations clearer, so I opened my eyes again. It took concentration to keep from screaming.

At the end of the story, Genkai turned to look at me, her eyes boring into mine. My breath caught in my throat as she stared. "I see," she said, tone suspiciously bland. The words were ominous enough to make my heart skip a beat. I had a sinking feeling that something bad was about to happen.

"Perhaps while we're doing some reconnaissance, you might shift gears in Myra's training and teach her how to defend her own mind?" Kurama suggested, his gaze drifting from me to Genkai and back again.

Genkai snorted. "That's a hopeless endeavor at this point. She doesn't have the willpower to defend her own mind against a wet noodle, let alone a jagan-wielder."

"Hey, she's not hopeless," Kuwabara protested, leaping to my defense. "She was the one who got us all that information."

"Yeah, you old hag. Didn't realize you've become so senile you can't teach someone a simple trick," Yusuke added, a frown on his face. I wasn't sure if he was sticking up for me or simply arguing to argue.

"If it's so simple, you teach her!" Genkai shot back, voice harsh.

"Well, I..." Yusuke stammered, visibly taken aback.

"That's what I thought." Genkai huffed, scowling at Yusuke. "You were relatively easy to teach, considering how stubborn and willful you are. You dig your feet in at every attempt to control or order you around." She jabbed a thumb in my direction. "Myra is the opposite. She's too used to jumping to obey orders."

"Okay...?" He absently rubbed the back of his head, his eyes distant and thoughtful. "So why can't you teach her?"

I watched Genkai's face begin to redden as a vein on her forehead slowly became more prominent. Her anger rapidly rose until she burst. "Stop being such a dimwit! It's easy to see why," she yelled before settling back down, although a muscle by her eye began to twitch.

"You're stubborn, so when someone starts whispering in your mind to do something, you're used to balking at it like every other order," she continued to explain. "Myra rushes to do what she's told, no matter what it is. For her to learn to protect her mind, I'll have to undo some of the habits she's developed. We simply don't have the time for that."

Guilt flooded me as I listened to her, rolling around with the other emotions to make a painful mix inside of me. I was giving them so many problems. It would be easier on them if I just left, although I couldn't bring myself to stand up and leave. I didn't want to draw their attention back to me. I needed to find a place to hide until I could force my emotions away again. I wasn't sure what to do, and my body began to shake with tension.

"Then perhaps something else?" Kurama interjected smoothly, cutting the fight off before it could really begin. "Is there some way to put up a temporary barrier around her mind?"

Kuwabara nodded his head. "That doesn't sound like a bad idea," he said. "How hard can it be?"

"Very," Genkai snapped, but her expression was thoughtful. "Still, it's not impossible. Myra wouldn't fight against a foreign energy inside her mind as many would."

Irritation bloomed inside my chest as they continued to talk about me as if I wasn't even there. No, they knew I was there. It was more like I was the pet dog, something that was important enough to talk about about, but was deemed too stupid to understand the conversation.

The anger warred with the guilt, making my gut twist and adding to the pounding in my head. The other emotions laid siege to me, demanding attention that I didn't want to give them. I pressed my hands over my ears and squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could manage. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted them to go away. If they would just leave then maybe the emotions would go with them. Why wouldn't they all go away?

A calloused hand grasping one of wrists brought me back to myself. I opened my eyes, finding myself looking into red eyes again. His grip was firm, and the touch anchored me, giving me something to hold on to despite the sea of emotions tossing about inside of me.

Hiei focused on me, and the attention didn't bother me. Instead I felt something sift through my mind, feeling like my father stroking my head to calm me when I had been scared as a child. I grasped onto that feeling like a lifeline in the middle of a storm-tossed sea. The memory combined with Hiei's grip on my wrist calmed me enough to think again.

With my emotions finally settled down a little, I realized how quiet the room was. Everyone had stopped talking. What was more, everyone was staring at me, most with wide eyes.

"You want it all to go away, huh?" Genkai asked, voice filled with wry amusement.

My face heated up, and I tried to scoot back a little more firmly into my corner. "I said that?" I asked softly after a few moments of silence, my voice coming out as little more than a squeak.

"You screamed it," Hiei commented, drawing my attention to him. His face was blank but for a slight frown, although that seemed to be Hiei's default expression. It was hard to see any emotion in his eyes, although there was something flickering in the depths of them. It was hidden enough that I couldn't quite make it out, although I didn't think he was angry with me.

I had screamed? Fear, guilt, and worry stormed through me, and I could easily imagine the punishments coming my way. "I- I'm sorry!" I stammered out. Part of me wanted to run away and hide, but I was riveted to the spot, unable to move and barely able to talk. "I didn't mean it."

"Is that so?" Genkai sat quietly for a moment, contemplating something with a serious expression on her face. "Well, either way we'll start with the mental defense training tomorrow while I come up with a way to put a protective barrier around your mind."

"I thought you said she was hopeless?" Yusuke asked, coming out of his stupor.

Genkai shrugged, as if the subject really wasn't that important. "We'll see," she replied. "Although it wouldn't be bad for her to know the basics even if she can't utilize them yet."

"Hiei and I will leave in the morning to do the reconnaissance. With the buildings spread out over Japan, it will take us a few days to check them all," Kurama stated, index finger tapping thoughtfully against his thigh.

Hiei released me, dark approval flashing through his eyes. He was probably ready to find Yukina; he probably missed her like everyone else. I missed her too. Her calm presence and insistent kindness always made me feel better.

"What about Myra?" Kuwabara wanted to know, concern in his voice, his eyes flickering me to. His expression was soft, although his lips were pressed together in a grim line. He was worried about me. "The bad guy with the jagan could have followed us here. He could attack her again."

Scowling darkly, Hiei turned to glare at the tall human. "He's nowhere near," he snarled. "I would have sensed him following us here."

"You didn't sense him last time," Kuwabara reminded him, jabbing a finger in the short man's direction. "None of us did."

Hiei growled, red eyes flashing in anger although he ceased to argue. He wasn't happy about the change in plans. I wasn't sure what to think about the change in situation, but I did know one thing. I was not going to be the source of his displeasure.

"I'll be fine," I said, tone braver than I felt. The guilt curdling in my stomach gave me more conviction than I really felt. I didn't want to make Hiei unhappy. "Send Hiei with Kurama." No one seemed to believe me, although my still trembling body probably didn't help matters.

Hiei spun around to glare at me, and the heat in his eyes made me instinctively recoil. He was a top notch predator, and I was prey. It would be foolish to challenge him, although I couldn't figure out why he would be angry with me. I was merely trying to support him and what he wanted to do. I cowered in the corner, and Hiei turned away, making an annoyed noise in the back of his throat.

"And if the enemy attacks your mind again as he did today? You have no mental defenses, and Hiei is the only one who can enter your mind to eject the other jagan's influence." The redhead made a frustrated sound, his hands clenching into fists for a moment. "As useful as Hiei would be in inspecting the different buildings, Kuwabara has a point. Hiei will be needed more here."

"I'll go with you," Yusuke volunteered, tone eager. His eyes sparkled like a kid at christmas.

"No," Kurama quickly replied, shaking his head. "If I was planning on fighting anyone, you would be a fine choice, but I plan on getting in and out with no one the wiser." He paused, considering his options, before he continued. "Kuwabara and I will go."

Yusuke made some token complaints before giving up when Kuwabara reminded him that he probably needed to go see Keiko.

"If you truly wish to contribute, talk to Botan and see about finding out what might be in the buildings now," Kurama told Yusuke, his tone consoling. "There was nothing in the detective safe houses back when I considered breaking into them, but that could have changed. There must be a reason our enemy has chosen that place to turn into their secret base."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll do that," Yusuke grumbled, looking less than mollified. Still, he waved goodbye, a cocky smile on his face. "See you all later. Don't do anything stupid until I come back."

Amidst the goodbyes, I slipped off to my room for some quiet. I felt bad for sneaking off, but I needed to be alone long enough to sort through things and deal with emotions I had not felt in years. It was as if the floodgates had opened and I had no defenses against the torrent of feelings.

When I walked into my room, little Hiei meowed loudly enough to wake the dead. He ran to me and began rubbing his sides against my ankles. I picked him up, holding him close and scratching behind his ears as he purred. The sound soothed me as the demon Hiei's touch had done earlier.

I sat down on the bed, cuddling the kitten as I mulled over everything that had happened. I certainly had not expected my emotions to come back so quickly or so forcefully. To be perfectly honest, I had believed I would spend the rest of my life without them. Of course, I also had not thought that anyone would be kind to me again, let alone protect me.

Everyone had set me off balance, and I couldn't quite seem to regain my footing. I no longer knew what to do or think, and I desperately needed something constant in my life that I could depend on. All the habits I had learned to deal with my mother no longer worked in my current situation.

I needed help and advice, but there was no one for me to go to for it. I was enough of a burden already, and I didn't need to add to the weight on everyone's shoulders. I had to deal with this on my own.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there in my room alone, trying every technique I could think of to calm my emotions back down. Counting just agitated me, controlled breathing did nothing, and my attempts at meditation failed for all that it seemed to help the most.

I tried to squash the emotions, force them back down, and shove them back behind a mental wall. Nothing worked. Each time they rose back up and attempted to strangle me.

I began to pace around the room, holding the kitten. Petting him seemed to calm me more than any of my other attempts, but I couldn't rely on the kitten forever. It wasn't like I could carry him around forever.

I heard my door open and I turned around. Genkai stood there, wrinkled face impassive. "That's enough brooding. We have training to do."

This chapter would not have been possible without the help of Unbridled, who was kind enough to allow me to bounce ideas off of her. She is the essence of awesome, and deserves a lot of thanks and a couple tons of cookies.