Disclaimer-I own neither the movie nor the books, but I can assure you the plot is original

Shoutouts:

Roxy Runner-I've seen those middle names before, but I was never sure if they were true (Never saw the World Book Day Chat), and I just like using the character's actors' first names as their middle names. I like messing with ages, birth dates, and wands, too. I'm just weird like that.

Psychomek-Just wait till you find out who's playing Herod! Hilarity will increase 10fold!

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Try-Outs

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"So, you'll be gone for the rest of the summer then?" Petunia said quietly.

"Yeah," Harry shrugged.

"And good riddance, I say," Vernon boomed forcefully. "We're well off to have him out of our house."

"I'll miss you, too, Uncle Vernon," Harry muttered sarcastically.

"Vernon, darling, would you please inform Diddykins of his leaving?" Petunia asked politely.

"Of course, I love being the bearer of good news. Vernon skipped out of the room, at least, he would have if his bulk allowed him the ability to skip.

Harry was left facing his aunt. She was searching his face with her eyes, looking him up and down and all over, as if trying to read his mind.

"What, you're not going to run and skip and shout for joy that I'm leaving?" Harry finally asked coldly.

"No, I'm not," she said softly. In fact, Harry, I'm quite worried."

""Worried". That's a good one."

"Yes, "worried". When you are not at that school and not at my house you are out of all protection."

"And I suppose you care about that?" he said, amusedly.

"Yes, Harry. Yes, I do."

Harry stared at her, searching her face. Those were that last words he ever expected to come out of Petunia Fiona Dursely's mouth.

"I…I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For the past decade and a half. I've been a complete waste of a guardian. If Lily could see me now…" She broke off.

Harry remembered what he had written to Hermione. He had been joking, but what if…no, that was too weird.

"Well, that's all I wanted to say, and good luck to you. Don't look for trouble. Ask no questions; be told no lies. When is that family picking you up?"

"Fairly soon."

"Well, good bye and good luck then."

"…Yeah…thanks."

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The Ford Anglia puttered to a stop outside the Dursely's house, and Harry raced out without even a nod of good-bye towards his family, dragging his trunks and Hedwig's cage with him.

"Harry, dear!"

Molly was already out of the car, and pulled him into a strangling hug. "Oh, it's wonderful to see you, dear! I do hope they've been treating you well."

"No worse than usual," Harry said, shrugging.

"Harry, get in the car," Ron called. He was sitting on the end, near the sidewalk. Ginny waved to him from the third seat. Harry guessed that Arthur had enlarged the car again, but probably would not be flying it again, so long as Molly was alive.

His wondering on why Ginny was not in the middle was dissolved when he went around to the other side and opened the door.

"Harry!"

A swish of curly hair told him that it was Hermione who had bounced from her seat and flung her arms around him. "It's so wonderful to see you!"

"Great to see you, too, Hermes," Harry said. "Hermes" was a baby name her parents had given her, and a name she had forbidden Ron and Harry to use.

She gave his wild hair a tug and slipped back into her seat. Harry ducked his head and got in the car.

"You all right, Harry?" Arthur asked, looking in the rearview mirror.

"All set, Mr. Weasley," Harry answered. Arthur nodded, and the stepped on the accelerator.

"So, what part do you think you'd get, Harry?" Ginny immediately asked.

"I dunno. I guess I'll get to be Jesus if the castors are suck-ups," Harry said, shrugging.

"I'll probably wind up with some crummy part like a bystander or something. Like John or somebody."

"Ronald Weasley, it would be an honor to play John," Molly said sternly. "John was the only faithful apostle who stood with Jesus at the cross."

"Do make a note," Ginny giggled, "that there was one man a dozen some-odd women with Jesus when he died. This proves the theory that since biblical times, men have sucked."

"Thanks, Gin," Ron said dispiritedly.

Ginny glared at him. She apparently was still mad about Ron's letter to Dean.

"How about you, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I would love to play Mary Magdalene, but I think Veronica would be nice, too. Or Mary, Jesus's mother."

"Don't take that role away from me!" Molly exclaimed.

"You're trying out, too?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Of course! When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a stage actress. But I wanted a family more, so I settled down in the Burrow with Arthur. I did do a little bit of acting in my Hogwarts days, though. We used to have funding for school plays. Do you remember, Arthur, when we starred in Romeo and Juliet?"

"How could I forget? I couldn't remember my lines."

""Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name, or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet! 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy. Thou art thyself, though not a Montague. What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part belonging to a man. Oh, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose would smell as sweet. So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name, which is no part of thee, take all myself"," Molly recited perfectly, with just the right flare of emotion and teenage lovesickness. Arthur's ears blushed, and it was evident in his face that he was trying to remember what he was supposed to say next.

"That was beautiful, Mum!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Really gorgeous, Mrs. Weasley," Hermione complimented.

Ron stuck his finger in his mouth and pretended to gag. Harry suppressed a snicker.

"Ah, now I remember!" Arthur exclaimed. ""I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I'll…um…I'll be new baptized. Hen…ceforth I never will be Romeo"."

Ginny and Hermione listened with rapt attention. Ron dropped his head to the side and pretended to snore, and Harry's sides began to hurt with all the laughter he was holding back.

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After a few hours of driving, Arthur stumbling over his lines, and many sighs of how romantic it was—courtesy of Ginny—they finally pulled up to the street that led into Diagon Alley. They passed through the Leaky Cauldron, hearing Molly sniff indignantly at the drunken man laughing crazily in the corner, and then having to watch Arthur punch the aforementioned drunkard for wolf-whistling at Ginny as she passed.

After a nasty brawl, the outcome of which being the intoxicated man passing out on account of the liquor he had consumed, the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione finally passed through the back door of the bar and into Diagon Alley.

The change was obvious. Though it was barely a week and a half into summer vacation, the place was swarming with witches and wizards. The troupe saw Parvati and Lavender, who were squeezing each other's arms and giggling excitedly, Draco and Pansy, though they were too busy making out to really take notice of their usual victims, most of the ex-Inquisitorial Squad, who glared as they passed, and Dean, who looked terrified at the sight of Ron.

They finally found Neville and Luna. Neville looked extremely jumpy. His ever-forbidding grandmother stood towering over him, the stuffed vulture on her hat looking even more sinister, glaring. Luna was staring out at the crowd with dreamy but otherwise expressionless eyes, a copy of The Quibbler held loosely in her hand. Her eyes caught sparks, however, at the sight of Ron.

"Ronald! I was looking forward to seeing you!" she exclaimed, before wrapping her arms around his neck. "Ronald, your face has gone pink. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah," Ron said, pulling back and shoving his hands in his pockets. Ginny snickered.

"We're meeting Fred and George at their shop," Molly said, looking quite strained at the word "shop". "Henrietta, dear, we'll take Neville from here."

"Of course, Molly," Mrs. Longbottom said. "You mind your manners, Neville, and you do your family proud."

"Yes, Gran," Neville said wearily.

"And DO take care, Miss Lovegood. I knew your mother of old. She was good people. She had nice folks." With a nod at the others, Henrietta Longbottom pulled her shawl closer to her shoulders and walked away.

"Come along, dears," Molly said.

The troupe, with two new members added, wended their way through the crowds toward Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes.

As they opened the door, they were immediately showered with some unidentifiable goop.

"FREDERICK ISAAC AND GEORGE EDWARD WEASLEY!!!" Molly thundered. Hermione, Ginny, and Neville groaned in the background, trying to wipe the goop from their clothes and hair. Arthur tried to look stern, but was grinning, and Luna simply stood still, looking at the goop on her hands.

"Ah, dearest family and friends!" Fred said, grinning, as he stepped out from behind the counter.

"Frederick Isaac Weasley, you may be an adult now, but that does not give you the right to assault your customers with rubbish!" Molly shouted.

"No worries, Mum," George said from behind the counter. He waved his wand and said, "Scourgify." The goo disappeared.

"That was EXCELLENT," Ron said, and Harry nodded his agreement.

"So, mine family, when are your try-outs for this mad play of yours?" Fred asked.

"Try-outs begin at 10 o'clock, and you should know, because you are attending with us," Molly said.

"I'm sorry?" George said.

"You had better be, and either way it doesn't save you from joining us. I am your mother, and you'll do as I say! You forfeited the rights of adults for another year when you dropped out of school!"

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Fred and George sat sulkily alongside the other in the seats at the amphitheater, constructed especially for play reasons.

The lights dimmed, and a spotlight shown on the stage, when who should walk about but none other than Percival Ignatius Weasley.

"Boo! Off the stage!" Fred catcalled.

"Fred!" Molly hissed.

"So, you have all decided to try for positions in this musical, Jesus Christ: Superstar," Percy said importantly, ignoring his brother. "I tell you now, anyone who is here for the money only may leave."

"Oh, well," Ron said, getting up, but Molly yanked him back down again.

"The try-outs will be held today, and the cast list will be posted tomorrow. Our musical instructor, Miss Carol Bard, will teach you selections of songs, and you will chose one to try out with. Practices are from now until 4 o'clock, and try-outs run from 5 to 7. Good luck to you all." He bowed crisply, and then walked off the stage.

"Ah, Harry! Hermione! Weasleys!"

They turned their heads to see Dumbledore walking towards them.

"How very good to see you!" he continued. His blue eyes swept to Harry, and for a moment flashed sorrow, but then they turned back to the others. "Miss Tonks, Mrs. Figg, Hagrid, and Professor Snape are all here as well."

"SNAPE?!" Harry, Ron, Fred, and George chorused as one.

"Yes, I insisted on it. Perhaps he shall surprise us with his acting skills," Dumbledore said.

"Everyone, please gather round!" a thick voice called.

Carol Bard was a short, wide woman with short, pale blonde hair, and round face, and friendly brown eyes from behind little glasses, and wearing red robes. She was sitting at a grand piano, and smiled at the people as they gathered around.

Indeed, Harry saw Snape, standing aside and glaring grimly. Hagrid smiled and waved cheerily. Mrs. Figg nodded, and Tonks winked. Looking around, Harry also saw that Cornelius Fudge and Percy had joined the throng.

Carol hit a key. "Kindly sing along with the piano, and I'll determine your voice parts."

She began playing notes, which the crowd did their best to follow. She listened attentively, sometimes conjuring what looked like an Extendable Ear to listen to certain people.

"All right," she said finally. "I've figured it out. I want my First Sopranos over here. Those are…" She pointed to Ginny, Luna, Arabella Figg, Molly, Tonks, Marietta Edgecombe, who had finally managed to get "Sneak" off her face, and several others they didn't recognize. The women sanctioned off into their own little group. Carol handed them a paper, asking them to sign their names.

"And my Second Sopranos…" She pointed to Hermione, Cho, Parvati, Lavendar, and more people they didn't know.

"My First Altos…" She pointed to Pansy and several other girls who, by the look of them, were Slytherins.

"My Second Altos…" They didn't recognize any of these girls.

"And for the men, my First Tenors. Those would be…" The group included Harry, Ron, Neville, Fred, George, Colin Creevy, Lee Jordan, Arthur, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Vincent Crabbe, Snape, Fudge, and, of course, several people that were unidentifiable.

"My Second Tenors…" This group consisted of Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigin, Ernie Macmillan, Dennis Creevy, Percy, and more unrecognized people.

"My First Bass…" Only Hagrid was in this group.

"My Second Bass…" Only Draco was in this group.

"And lo and behold, we have a very rare Counter Tenor here," Carol announced.

"A what?" Ron asked.

"A boy who can sing First Soprano," Hermione explained, her voice hushed.

"You, young sir."

Carol was pointing her finger at Gregory Goyle.

"Goyle? Are you kidding me?" Ron yelped. "I wasn't even aware he could speak, let alone sing!"

Harry snickered.

"All right." Carol passed pieces of paper to each group. "These are the try-out songs for your voice part. It's enchanted so that you can hear the lyrics and melody. In two hours, come back. You will have to sing your part along with the piano. You may keep your parchment with you, but points will be taken off. Have a good afternoon, everyone."

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Two hours later, the whole of the group was back.

"First Sopranos!" Carol called, and that group came up. Harry stopped paying attention after listening to several of the unknown girls scratch out horrible renditions, and even zoned out Ginny's.

He floated through Second Sopranos until he heard Hermione's name called.

He'd never, ever heard her sing before. In fact, he hadn't really bothered wondering if she even liked music. But when she opened her mouth to sing, the entire group fell silent.

"I've been living to see you/Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this/This was unexpected/What do I do now?/Could we start again, please?/I've been very hopeful so far/Now, for the first time, I think we're going wrong/Hurry up and tell me/This was just a dream/Or could we start again, please?"

Carol had to clap her hands. "Wonderful, Hermione! Absolutely gorgeous!" Hermione blushed. "Now, my First Altos."

Harry stopped paying attention again until they called for First Tenors, and even then he floated straight through his audition, singing "My temple should be a house of prayer/But you have made it a den of thieves! Get out/Get out!" Carol played another intro, and he sang, "My time is almost through/Little left to do/After all, I've tried for three years/Seems like thirty/Feels like thirty."

Carol clapped for him, and started in on Ron. Ron didn't do too bad himself. He wavered a little, but otherwise did a pretty good job.

The big surprise was Snape. They had expected irritated mumbling, but Snape certainly had a gusto for the song, even as he was glaring at everyone.

Carol went through everyone, barring the two Basses and Goyle, and finally she announced that the cast lists would be out the next day.

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"You were beautiful, Hermione," Harry complimented as they walked out

"Thank you, Harry," Hermione answered, grinning. "I just felt very in tune with the song."

"Ronald, I thought you were perfectly lovely," Luna said dreamily, staring at him. "Either you or Harry should get the part of Jesus, most definitely!"

"Yeah, yeah," Ron muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets and trying to ignore Fred and George's laughter.

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The crowd around the cast lists the next day was so that they couldn't get to it. People were yelling, crying, and congratulating each other so forcefully that any move to push into the crowd was hopeless.

Finally, Hermione, impatient, muttered a few well-chosen words and a copy of the list flew into her hands. Clutching it in her hand, she ran back to the twins' shop, the others tailing her. Once inside, she hurried to underneath the light while the others crowded around her.

"Congratulations, Harry, you've won the role of Jesus," she announced.

"I'm sure we're all very surprised about that," Fred said sarcastically.

Harry sent a glance at Ron, wondering if Ron would be jealous like during the Triwizard Tournament, but the last male Weasley shrugged. "Good job, mate. Who'm I playing, 'Mione?"

"You're John."

"Knew it. Just knew it. At least I get half of a song and dance number," Ron muttered. "Who's Draco playing; I'll bet you anything he's Judas."

"Don't put your money on anything, Ron, and he's not. Draco's playing Caiaphas."

"Who?"

"The High Priest who was so afraid of Jesus he arrested him."

"Ah, that's understandable," Ron said sagely. "So, who's Judas?"

Hermione searched the page, and then smiled, somewhat bitterly.

"Percy is."

"WHAT?!" Molly yelped.

"Hey, if the shoe fits," Ginny said savagely. "Who's everyone else, Hermione?" Ginny asked hurriedly, seeing Molly glare at her. "Who are you playing?"

Hermione searched for her name. "I'm…Yes! I'm playing Mary Magdalene!"

"Congratulations!" Harry exclaimed. "That song must have blown them over."

Hermione blushed and smiled.

"What about me?" Ginny asked. "Who'm I playing?"

Hermione searched again. "You're Salome, Ginny, and Luna is Joanna. Look, I'll just read the list out to you.

"Harry Potter—Jesus Christ

Hermione Granger—Mary Magdalene

Percival Weasley—Judas Iscariot

Draco Malfoy—Caiaphas

Gregory Goyle—Annas

Severus Snape—Pontius Pilate

Cornelius Fudge—Herod

Seamus Finnigin—Peter

Ronald Weasley—John

Colin Creevy—Simon Zealot

Ernest Macmillan—Thomas

Neville Longbottom—Matthew

Dean Thomas—Andrew

Frederick Weasley—James

George Weasley—Thaddaeus

Justin Finch-Fletchley—Philip

Lee Jordan—Judas, son of James

Dennis Creevy—Bartholomew

Molly Weasley—Mary, Mother of God

Reubus Hagrid—Simon

Arabella Figg—Claudia Pilate

Nymphadora Tonks—Veronica

Virginia Weasley—Salome

Luna Lovegood—Joanna

Cho Chang—Susanna

Mr. Weasley, you're part of the group of reporters. Pansy, her girls, and Marietta are in the chorus, and Crabbe's a Priest," Hermione reported.

Harry started laughing suddenly.

"What?" Hermione asked, looking at him strangely.

"Snape and Figg! They have to pretend to be a married couple! And the best part yet—Claudia had Pontius whupped!"