Alice Cooper
Trash (1989)
Only My Heart Talkin'

Anybody's dream can fall apart
Anybody's mask can break
Couldn't tell you how I wanted
you
Enough to make you want to stay
I never said the words out loud
I guess I couldn't get 'em straight
Baby, give me one more chance
Before you walk away
It's only, only, only, only my heart
talkin'
Yeah, it's only, only, only, only my
heart talkin'
Sayin' things I never thought I'd
say
Can't you hear me knocking
Tried to fool you but it wouldn't
play
Cuz my heart it's talkin', it's talkin'
Baby, it's talkin'
Talkin' to you
Every time I take it to the edge
Every time I'm so afraid
Don't you know I cry my eyes
out, babe
Every time you look away
Oh, I almost dropped a tear
But I caught it just in time
I'd say those things you want to
hear
If you'd help me, help me, help
me try
It's only, only, only, only my heart
talkin'
Yeah, it's only, only, only, only my
heart talkin'
Sayin' things I never thought I'd
say
Can't you hear me knocking
Tried to fool you but it wouldn't
play
Cuz my heart it's talkin', it's talkin'
Baby, it's talkin'
Talkin' to you
Well, I don't want to hide away
Hide away without you, baby
Don't you go and run away
Come and help me, baby
Just a little help, baby
Oh, my little baby

As I sit and run the scene through my mind over and over again, I see the pain in her eyes as she turned from me, I feel my heart breaking again. Why does this hurt? Why must love hurt? I drop my head in my hands and let the tears begin to fall, tears that I have held at bay for years. I let her go. I denied us both, because I am afraid to admit what I know in my heart, that I love her. I bring my vision up again and stare into the empty room before me. I have sent them all away, I want to suffer this pain alone. Again I raise my hand to replay the scene from a year ago.

****************

She sharpened her sword by the light of the camp, something she has done for years. It relaxes her and clears her mind of the annoying thoughts of the day. She knows I am here, watching again. She sighs and looks at her sleeping companion. She sets down her sword and quietly leaves the camp, I follow. I am always following her. She stops and speaks to me in a low cool voice "Come out" her voice softens "we need to talk." I appear behind her and begin to rub her tense shoulders. She sighs again and lets me continue with no objection.

"My sweet what troubles you?" I ask with all sincerity. I hate to see her plagued with problems.

Her hand reaches to mine and she turns to face me now intertwining her fingers with mine. "Ares I have to go on one last mission, one I don't know if I will come back from" her voice is soft, softer than I have ever heard.

"What do you mean won't come back?" I question, concern filling my soul. I can't lose her again. I have lost everything, but she is my constant, I can't lose her.

"Ares" she whispers as she claims my lips to hers. We speak no more, we let our bodies speak the words that are too hard to say. Feelings we can't say. We fall to the forest bed. With a flick of my hand gone are our clothing. She says nothing. Her crystal eyes bore into mine. A mutual consent is unspoken as we give into the heat of the moment and let our bodies, minds and souls become one, even if for only a brief moment in time. All to soon our time together comes to a close and we once again stand, clothed facing each other. I am hopeful, for once praying to whatever is left to let her be mine forever, not just this moment. As though she is reading my mind she begins to speak again "Ares I have to go, I just didn't want to leave Greece with out knowing your true feeling toward me" she looks at me pleading, for the first time in a long time I see her at a weak moment.

My heart lurches, my heart screams tell her, but the words she wants, the words she needs don't come. Instead I do what I do best, screw things up. "My dear princess you know how I feel, I don't have to waste words on the subject." I watch as her face falls, I have done it again, hurt her. As soon as the emotions play across her face, the wall is back, void of emotion.

"Well if that is how you feel I guess I have misjudged you again Ares" she pauses as anger pours from her eyes "I am sure you have better things to do, I just wanted to give something to remember me by." She turns and walks away.

I panic "Xena wait" I call. She stops but does not turn to face me.

"What" is all she says, her back still to me.

"What do you mean remember you by?" I ask.

"It meant nothing, I just thought you deserved a reward for your deeds of late and now if you will excuse me I have better things to do and desire a bath." The coldness of her tone cuts through to me.

Now I am mad. How dare she! Who does she think she is? "What the hell was that, a pity fuck?" I question.

"Call it what you want Ares." With her back to me she walks back to her camp and I vanish.

**************

I was so mad at her I refused to listen to the callings. She never called, but that damn chatty blond did. Almost a year after she had left I felt a presence in one of my temples. A presence I had not felt in some time. My name, I heard my name called. It was Gabrielle, but where was Xena. I appeared after she called the second time.

"What is it Blondie, I am a busy God trying to rebuild the empire you helped destroy." I am irritated to no end by this woman and wish to have this over as quickly as possible.

She says nothing. A tear falls from her as her hands bring forth an urn. She sets the urn on my alter and then the sword. She stares into my eyes and then turns to leave. I am stunned, I know what this means "How?" is all I can ask. The emotions running through me are beginning to become to much. My mind is screaming.

She turns to me "She loved you, she loved you with her entire being and she would of never went had you asked. To answer your question as to how, she was beheaded in battle and died honorably." She again turned her back to me and began to leave once more.

"Gabrielle" I call "Wait" the irony of the is too much. She has her back to me as she stops.

Never turning around "Ares don't. I am leaving her earthly remains with you. Don't bother me again God of War." With that she left my temple and my heart broke.

*****************

As I watch the scene over and over again I see things I was to blind to see at the time. She was in need of hearing the words that eluded me. I hurt her, so she hurt me, our game. Another unchecked tear falls down my face "and now she is gone forever" I whisper into the empty room. I again cover my face and let the anguish filling my soul release. "Why?" I question the air "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME XENA?" I yell at the air. I feel a presence in the room. I feel a comforting hand on my shoulder. I give into it and let my sister hug me. I hold on to her as though she was the last in the world. I look up at her "Why does it hurt so bad Dite?" tears fall unabated from me now.

With concern and love pouring from her she meets my gaze and softly says "If it didn't hurt when you lost it, love would hold no value Ares." she wipes a tear from my face "She loved you Ares, but neither of you could admit it, you will find her and your love again." She runs her hand through my hair as if I am a small child "I promise you will find her again."