Too Soon
Day I
The annoying beeping of the alarm clock sounded unceasingly seeming to increase in volume with every beep. Xander heard the alarm; he had been listening to it for the past ten minutes it seemed. He held his eyes shut refusing to be woken up by the alarm – he was to be on the later shift at work for the next two weeks but Faith had been stuck with the earlier shift. Finally he couldn't deny that he was completely awake and opening his eyes he saw Faith was… well definitely not awake. She was lying sprawled across his chest as far away from awake as one could be. He grimaced at the fact that he knew Slayer's had heightened hearing abilities, yet Faith seemed to be able to block just about anything out when she didn't want to wake up.
He groaned, shifting underneath her and pushing her in an attempt to wake her. She had been late everyday for the past week and a half… he had warned them not to put her on the early shift but he only had so much sway in the company. He turned his head towards the clock and saw that it was close to five thirty. He had a feeling of sympathy for her, knowing what it felt like to be on the early shift but he was also mad that she wasn't awake, and he – who didn't have to be up for another four hours – was awake.
"Faith, get up," he scolded as he pushed her up. Her response was a vague sigh and under further encouragement she turned and hit the alarm clock off of the table and onto the ground, where it still continued with its annoying beeping. Xander had certainly started out the week with more sympathy towards her but nearing Friday he pushed her up off of his chest and he got up. "Faith, get up!"
"Fuck you," she answered, for the first time showing that she was awake – far more awake then she wanted to be at this hour. She was all for being up this early when she had been up all night partying and things were just winding down but it baffled her that some people actually had to get up this early!
"There actually hasn't been much of that going on," Xander answered jokingly, but his tone could be mistaken as argumentative since neither of them were morning people.
"Then get me off the early shift!" she demanded almost in a whine.
"It's not up to me," he answered, rummaging through the pile of clothes for a shirt to throw on.
"Then tell them they're compromising your health by having me on the early shift," she answered matter of factly. He looked at her confused and she added, "lack of sex affects your work ethic…"
"I'll be sure to bring that up at the next Supervisor's Meeting."
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Xander dragged himself from their bedroom to the kitchen, seeing – as expected – Willow sitting at the kitchen table with her cup of tea as she read through the morning newspaper. The two couples, Willow and Kennedy, and Xander and Faith ended up finding an apartment that they couldn't pass up but that neither couple could afford alone. Together they could have it without stress so the next thing they knew, they were all roomies. It was a comfortable place with three bedrooms, a living room, two bathrooms and a nice kitchen. It was close enough to the rest of the gang but with enough distance to allow them to feel independent from everything on their downtime.
Willow had been concerned with the roommate idea – her and Faith never exactly being the best of pals – but everything had been working out great. They had been in the apartment almost four months and there had been more arguments within couples than between the two. From working together so long with the Slaying, living together was almost second nature.
"Morning," Xander greeted, being as jovial as he could this early. Him and Faith really weren't morning people in any sense of the word.
"Hey," Willow greeted with a soft smile knowing how hard it was for Xander to even make his way out of the bedroom. This morning was an improvement, not only had he managed to get out of his room but he had even remembered to toss on a shirt.
"Did you beat the paperboy again this morning?"
"No, he's getting quicker," she answered with a laugh. The two of them still acted like they did when they were in first grade growing up together, and it was nice that they had that easygoing relationship with someone. Both of them knew the stress and frustration of being with Slayer's, and both of them also knew the greatness of it.
"Kennedy still asleep?" Willow nodded then asked with a smirk,
"Is Faith still asleep?"
"Probably," he answered shaking his head. "She's going to get herself fired…" Willow giggled and Xander added, "it's not funny. I only got her the job a couple of weeks ago and I can count on one hand how many times she's been on time!" It was a running joke on the site and at home on Faith's tardiness issue.
"How's she doing at work?"
"She's great! She does the work really well – the Slayer strength certainly doesn't hurt – and she gets along with everyone great! A little better than I'd like but hey," he joked.
"She's an eyeful," Willow admitted.
"Yeah, the guys remind me all the time now." Xander poured out two cups of coffee and like clockwork Faith walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. "You're on time," he commented as he handed her the mug.
"Really?" she asked, searching the walls for a clock of some sort. He gave her a blank look and she answered, "Shut up."
"How sweet," Willow commented from behind her newspaper.
"Usually I get a 'hello' after her second cup of coffee." Faith leaned against the countertop sipping at her coffee quietly. She knew she wasn't the pleasantest person in the morning so she tried to keep to herself as much as possible. The good thing about their housing situation is that everyone of them was pretty well aware of the others – they all understood each other.
Faith watched Xander take a few sips of his coffee then walk over to the medicine drawer. He shuffled through a few of the various bottles, most of them Willow's herbal vitamins, and pull out a bottle of aspirin. He took out a few pills then drank them down with his coffee, replaced the bottle then closed the drawer. She noticed he was squinting slightly, but up until now she had assumed he just wasn't awake.
"You have a headache again?"
"Yeah," he answered, pleasantly surprised in a way that she had been that observant – especially before six in the morning.
"You've got to go get that checked out."
"Why? Headaches are normal…"
"Not when they last a week," she answered almost snapping at him. She got a 'whatever' response and she just continued getting herself ready to leave, not wanting to start an argument this early in the morning.
At six thirty – already running late – Faith headed for the door. Xander jumped in front of her before she left, like he always was sure to, to say goodbye. She was in a bad mood, or at least a typical mood for her at this time, and he couldn't help but feel responsible for it.
"So you're done early today, right?"
"Yeah, about four."
"We'll go out tonight… have a good time…"
"Whatever," she answered flatly heading for the door.
"Hey," he said, grabbing her arm gently to keep her from leaving on a bad note, "what's the matter?"
"I want you to go get that checked out," she answered, the concern in her tone making it obvious that that same concern was what had put her in that mood. Xander found it cute that she was in a bad mood because she was worried and it was, especially coming from someone like her.
"I'm going today," he assured her. "I already called into work and told them and I'm going to make an appointment for today…" She looked up at him, her eyes softening with each word until finally they were glowing.
"So I'll see you later?"
"Yeah," he answered kissing her tenderly for a long moment before stopping and allowing her to go to work late once again.
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"Hey Faith," Charlie greeted as she strutted onto the site.
"Hey you, how's your girl?" she asked as she put her hard hat on.
"She's good, things settled down after I talked to her," he admitted.
"Told you," she added with a smirk. She left Charlie as he reached his station and continued towards her own. "Hey Toni," she greeted with a slight nod.
"Hey baby," he answered with a wave, "better watch your back today, the boss is looking for you."
"Great," she answered with a groan.
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Xander walked back into the kitchen hanging up the phone on the wall near the fridge. Willow was still sitting in her seat having moved on from the newspaper to a thick, ancient looking novel – a regular from Giles home collection – with several notebooks and papers now scattered across the table. He looked over at the microwave to see the time, nine thirty.
"Got an hour and a half," he muttered, thinking aloud.
"Faith must be thrilled that you have the later shift," Willow commented with sarcasm. Xander nodded,
"Yeah, it's why she was in such a peachy mood this morning."
"I know, I got the whole warm and cuddly vibe off of her earlier."
"That's Faith all over," he added with a laugh.
"So she likes work and everything?"
"Yeah, things are pretty good," he answered. "I don't think she's really into the having to do something bit but she gets that everyone needs to chip in for the rent and everything plus the work's easy for her."
"I'm sure she'd rather just mug someone weekly to help chip in."
"I'm not going to lie – it was definitely her first offer," he kidded.
"Well hey, you said she gets along with the guys on the job… I'm sure a girl like her could make a pretty penny…"
"Let's not even go there," he answered.
"Why? Does it scare you to have her around all of them?" she asked curiously. She thought it would, not really because of Faith, but she'd dropped Xander off at work a few times and the place was packed with nothing but men.
"I joke about it, but not really," he answered honestly. "I mean, all of the guys think she's gorgeous and wouldn't take a second thought at having a run with her… but Faith has a way of demanding respect wherever she is, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah," she agreed. "So you're really not worried about her at all," she added in a surprised yet happy tone.
"I know her, Wil, and I love her more than anything… she's a great girl and I couldn't trust her more. The guys can be a little sleazy but they're nothing she can't handle."
"Faith's certainly dealt with her share of scummy men."
"Unfortunately," he agreed. "You know, she doesn't usually show it but man it's fucked her up pretty good." Willow nodded in understanding knowing there had been several occasions where through the tough façade she had caught glimpses of Faith's weaknesses, and more so, the causes of them.
"She loves you," Willow answered, knowing it was true.
"I know," he answered with a soft smile.
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The day turned out to move pretty quickly for her once it got moving. The only, and she certainly meant only, upside to working the early shift was that she was checking out of work around three, leaving her with plenty of time for afternoon fun. She was heading towards punch out when she heard the voice she had been avoiding all day – quite skillfully, I might add.
"Faith?" She continued to walk away, hoping by some vague chance that her boss might think there was actually another female on the site. "Faith!" he called again, but this time more reprimanding.
"Hey!" she greeted jovially as she turned towards him. The fake smile plastered on her face had lost its influence earlier that week and his stern expression remained. "How are things?"
"Office."
"Oh, come on," she whined – quite similarly to a high school student being brought down to the principal. They both walked into his office and he sat behind his desk. Larry was a firm guy who was a little too into himself for her liking – he tended to speak down to people, or at least he spoke down to her, probably because she was a chick. He was one of those types.
"So, were you on time this morning?" he asked patronizingly.
"Of course," she answered smoothly.
"For the early shift," he added, "you got that message, right? Because that's the one you're on now… it doesn't seem like you've realized that."
"So why not just switch me back to the later shift and we won't be running into this problem…"
"Faith, listen. I like you, I think you're doing a swell job but here's our problem; now I don't say my problem because this involves you too, it's our problem. I have a boss, and as you might be catching onto, you have to answer to a boss when you make mistakes. If my boss looks at the log and sees that I'm holding onto a new employee even though she's late nearly everyday, he's going to ask me why. Honestly, even if I could come up with that answer, he's most likely not going to be paying attention anyhow.
"So then his next question will be to me, well who hired her. And here's where this problem becomes our problem. I'll have to tell the truth-"
"Because you're such an honest civil servant," Faith added snidely. Larry continued without acknowledgement to her comment,
"I'll be forced to answer, 'why sir, it was Mr. Harris, one of the top supervisor's.' And then he's going to ask me why, someone of Harris' reputation would make such a poor judgment call and I might just have to answer that it's because he's fucking you!"
"What the-" Faith defended jumping up from her seat angrily. It hadn't been in a while – more like forever – since she could say her relationship with someone was more than just 'fucking'. She would've taken offense to the comment if it were true but since it wasn't she was furious.
"Now," he said cutting her off sharply, "I don't care how much playing around you do in his pants, it's not going to keep you your job, and more importantly, it's not going to keep his. Shape up," he ended dismissingly. Still standing from before she turned away from him and left the office, muttering more than loud enough for him to overhear,
"Scumbag," on her way out. She walked out of the office angrily and heading towards the punch out again she bumped into Toni.
"Hey baby… what's wrong?" he asked, his tone shifting quickly to extreme concern. There were a few sleazy guys on the site but the majority of them were good guys.
"Nothing," she answered quickly. "Have you seen Xander around today?"
"No, he called in sick I think."
"Yeah," she answered, finally settling herself and getting everything together. "I'll see you tomorrow, Toni."
"Later, babe. Tell the boss I said hey," he added, referring to Xander.
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Xander got home parking his car in front of the house. He shifted the car into park and turned the ignition off but sat there staring at the dashboard for several long minutes. He drifted into a sort of daze then regained himself and glanced at his watch. Seeing the time – 5:30 – he jolted himself into gear, knowing Faith had been home for at least an hour and got out of the car. He still wasn't completely out of his daze when he entered the house.
"Hey," Kennedy greeted, hitting him – lightly in her opinion – on the shoulder.
"Hi," he answered dryly. He walked past her and into the kitchen, grabbing two Heineken's out of the fridge before heading into his bedroom. The suite style of the bedrooms made the bathroom share a wall with the bedroom and he could hear the water from the shower just turning off. He sat down in a chair in the corner and opened the beer, leaving the other on the floor next to him for Faith. Sitting still again he drifted right back into his daze – his mind was both racing as well as refusing to form any comprehensible thoughts.
After an amount of time he didn't trust himself to make an accurate measure of, Faith immerged from the bathroom allowing the steam from the shower to pour from the doorframe. He was surprised his jaw didn't drop to the floor as she walked out looking the way she did. She had on a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a white, knit top that tied around the neck and back. Her hair was in its beautiful natural style – rough waves down her back – and her makeup was subtle but enhancing.
"Starting early, huh?" she asked, seeing him with the beer. "I thought we were going to go out," she mentioned with disappointment apparent in her voice. She walked closer to him then cocked her head to the side and looked down at him on the chair, "do you still want to?" He forced himself out of his haze and answered hesitantly,
"Yeah, of course… we should definitely go out. Yeah, that's a good idea," he babbled, as though he hadn't been the one with the idea that morning.
"You okay?" she asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, I'm just a little out of it, that's all…"
"Got me another burn out for a boyfriend, huh?" she joked.
"No," he answered quickly, unable to take that as a joke, especially after his talk with Willow about Faith's past that morning. Realizing by her expression that he had taken her joke the wrong way he covered, "how was work?" She was still suspicious but she answered,
"It was alright… I got there late again though and Larry kind of lost his shit. He made me go to his office and everything," she said, realizing how childish it felt. Xander took the comment at a slightly different angle, knowing a little more about Larry's track record when it came to bringing people into his office,
"He what?" he asked angrily. "I'll kill him – what did he do to you? What the hell happened?"
"Hey," she defended. "Nothing… what the hell's the matter with you today?" she asked, picking up the beer by his feet and opening it.
"Sorry," he answered stiffly. She took a few gulps of the beer before asking,
"Can't tell me you had a bad day today, with the not going to work and all…"
"I did," he answered blankly, seeming like he was going back to his daze even in the middle of conversation. He had told himself to say his day was fine but the words just fell out of his mouth. She smiled, stepping up to him and kissed him lightly on his lips hoping to make his day better. She expected him to hold her or pull her into him or at least kiss her back but the entire lack of any of that pushed her to alarm. She stood back up and asked quickly,
"What's the matter?"
"I went to the doctor today."
"And?" she asked, panic leaking into her throat.
"I don't want to talk to you about this," he answered quickly, trying to retreat from the inevitable conversation.
"Xander, talk to me," she demanded. He pressed his lips tightly together and stared around the room pensively for a few seconds before she pressed again, "Xander!" He looked up at her and saw in her face that he had to tell her but no matter how many times he had run over telling her in the car, doing it while he was looking into her face seemed impossible now.
"I went, and umm… well, they ran a bunch of tests… you know, because of the headaches… and…" he paused for a long moment, "baby, I'm dying." The room was quiet except for the crashing sound, which Faith thought was just her world colliding down on her, but as Xander quickly moved in his seat and grabbed the beer bottle on the ground she realized she had dropped it. He righted the bottle by his feet again then looked up at her in time to see the look of complete shock escaping her. She looked as if he had stolen the air right from her lungs.
"What?" she asked, still in disbelief. He reached his arm towards her, encouraging her to come sit down with him but she stood rigidly shaking her head, "what are you talking about?"
"Well," he stated, as though he were starting over, "I told them about the headaches and they were concerned because of…" he motioned towards where his left eye used to be under the eye-patch, still unable to really say it, "and it turns out when you get your eye gauged out, generally you're supposed to go for regular checkups… who would've thought it, huh?"
"Xander, what did they say," she asked, unable to block from her memory the night in the vineyard with Caleb. She was there and she felt she was almost as responsible as Buffy for what happened – she hated herself for not being able to stop what happened to the Potentials and what had happened to Xander.
"A lot of technical stuff that I didn't really get, but basically that there's an internal infection from the wound that because it's so close to the brain it spread and… well, they said it really doesn't look good. They say that's why I've had the headache's too…"
"So then they just told you that you were dying? I mean we're all dying, right? Everyone who's alive is dying as soon as they're alive, and…" she rambled anxiously.
"Baby, it's okay… it'll be fine," he comforted, standing up enough to grab her hand and pull her a few steps closer. He could see the muscles in her face trying to stifle her sobs,
"How is this okay?" she asked, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she held his hand tightly.
"Well," he answered, trying to lighten his tone as much as possible. "I'm here with the girl I love and you look absolutely gorgeous and you love me and that's as good as it gets, right?"
"Baby, how long… how long did they say?" she asked through her cracked voice.
"Well, they said it's in it's late stages and…" he trailed off, feeling her hand tighten anxiously around his and seeing the tears rolling down her cheeks. He was watching her cry almost openly – this was the same girl he knew would never cry for anything! He was angry at himself for making her so upset… it was the only distinct emotion he could understand and he hated himself for it.
"Baby, tell me," she pleaded feeling nothing but emptiness and pain inside of her. He took a deep breath then looked up at her and answered,
"Seven to ten days," he answered hesitantly. He felt her grip go completely flaccid and he had to clench his teeth tightly together to hold himself together in front of her. He stood up quickly and wrapped his arms tightly around her holding her more for himself than for her. He felt her body shake against his as she tried to hold back to hysteric sobs that were barely beneath the surface. "I'm so sorry," he admitted.
"Why are you sorry?" she asked wiping the tears from her eyes, "you didn't do anything wrong! You didn't do anything wrong…"
"Hey," he said, still managing to hold himself together, "let's go out."
"What?" she asked confused that he would even think of that.
"You look awesome and I said we were going to go out tonight and have a good time… I owe you that."
"No, it's fine… I… we…" she said trying to get her head straight enough to talk.
"I want to go out," he assured her. "I want to go have a good time with you."
"If you want to go out then we're going out," she answered, wanting to do anything he wanted to do. She nodded her head, trying desperately to paint a smile on her face, but her tense expression meshed with the streams of tears made the picture far from happy. Xander nodded to her as though her were accepting her attempt at a smile – she was almost angry at him for being better at covering up the way he felt right now. She was supposed to be good at this sort of thing. She was good at being indifferent… why was it that now when he needed her to look fine she couldn't?
She turned to one of the dressers with all of their stray things thrown on top of it and with a mirror mounted on the wall above it. She reached for her watch – a thick strapped, white leather watch Xander had gotten her. She noticed for the first time that her hands were shaking violently and she could barely control them enough to reach for the watch, not to mention attempt to strap it to her wrist, which was a tricky maneuver anyway. She remained facing away from him, trying to control her features without having to worry about looking at him, but the mirror in front of her reflected her panicked features at him.
He looked at her in the mirror and saw how miserable she was and how hard she was trying to be alright for him. He didn't know what to do… He pulled off the tee shirt he had on over an undershirt and grabbed a nice, white, button up, collared shirt hanging on the back of a chair. He put it on and began buttoning it up, unable to keep himself from watching her. She was standing with her back to him but he could see through the mirror that she was struggling with frustration trying to strap the watch to her wrist. Suddenly from out of nowhere she gave up, pulling the watch off of her wrist and throwing it down onto the countertop.
She clenched her fists, closing her eyes, and took a deep breath. Regaining herself somewhat she looked into the mirror and fixed some of her makeup quickly around her eyes. She looked at herself again in the mirror then allowed her eyes to look at Xander behind her in the reflection. He glanced over at her then seeing that she was looking slowly lowered his eyes to concentrate on buttoning his shirt. Seeing him standing there – the one thing in this world that she loved more than anything else – and knowing he was going to be snatched away from her like everything else she had ever cared about, she couldn't hold it together anymore.
The tight control over her breathing was the first thing she lost hold of – it hastened exponentially, leaving her practically gasping for a full breath, but she still tried to stifle it making it so she was barely breathing at all. Next the tears began to flow rapidly from her eyes – this wasn't so different from before but feeling like she was losing control she began to – almost in a panic – wipe away the tears, which reappeared on her cheeks before she had even wiped away the predecessors.
"Baby," he said soothingly as he quickly walked over to her. He pulled her hand away from her face and held it in his trying to figure out the best way to help her.
"I'm sorry," she said backing towards the bathroom, "I just… I just need a minute," she managed to get out. "I just need a minute," she said as more of a request than a statement. He walked with her all the way to the bathroom door, still holding her hand, he stopped her,
"Faith… it's okay… if you need to cry, you can… you don't need to go to the bathroom to cry, I know, it's okay," he said trying to calm her down as best as he could.
"I just… I… I… I need to just… I'm going to really flip out in a second and…"
"Okay," he nodded understandingly, immediately backing off and giving her the space she was subtly demanding. She looked at him painfully for a moment and he added, "I love you." Her face tightened immediately and she held back the sobs in her throat,
"Oh my God," she cried, "I love you so much…" she held her mouth with her hand to hold back to sobs, needing an actual hand to muffle them now. Xander embraced her calmly, holding his face against hers. After a moment she finally released her mouth and wrapped both arms around his neck tightly holding him against her as she calmed herself down, forcing herself to take deep breaths as she held her face cheek to cheek with his. As she calmed her breathing Xander heard the click of the door and turned his eyes towards it. Kennedy peaked her head in cautiously and gaining eye contact with Xander asked softly,
"Is everything okay?" Faith turned towards the voice then back to Xander's shoulder.
"Hey," Xander said raising his hand to her face and pushing the hair back from it, "Why don't you get cleaned up and I'll meet you in the kitchen, okay?" She nodded, it was the only thing she could make herself do, and then they hesitantly parted from one another. Faith walked into the bathroom – not wanting to leave him for a single second anymore but she didn't think she could handle listening to him tell Willow and Kennedy. The bathroom door swung closed behind her and Xander walked over to Kennedy.
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Willow sat on the couch next to Kennedy with her knees bent up to her chest and her hands hiding most of her face from view. Almost the polar opposite, Kennedy sat hunched over with her arms lying on her thighs as she listened meticulously to everything Xander was saying. She could hear Willow sniffling from behind her hands; she felt empty and more sad than she'd ever felt before so she could only imagine how Willow felt. Xander kept nodding uncomfortably, trying to maintain his composure.
He found it harder in front of Willow than he did with Faith, which initially he thought strange but once he thought about it it made sense. Willow was the girl he grew up with, the girl who used to beat him up when he stole her Barbie or Fruit Cup. She was the one he went to when he had something to cry about and he was used to crying to her. But on the other hand Faith was the one he was always strong with – he was her macho boyfriend and in that he felt it his duty to stand strongly next to her, but with Willow he felt like he was just supposed to break down crying right next to her.
"Did they give you anything to take?" Kennedy asked, as the gap between speaking got too large for her to remain comfortable.
"Yeah, they gave me some meds for the headaches," he answered with a nod.
"How's Faith?" Willow asked, also remembering their conversation that morning. That morning felt like years before yet their childhood together felt like it had just passed moments ago.
"She's upset." He took a deep breath and added, "I've never seen her cry like that before…"
"She was crying?" Willow asked with both deep pity and sadness. Both Kennedy and Xander nodded and Willow couldn't help but remember a long time ago when she had been in a room with Faith and said to her spitefully, '…you had a hard life… a lot of people say you had some pretty bad breaks, but you know what… boo hoo!' Even now, after what Faith had done with the Mayor, she wished she could take that back. She knew this was something that was beyond the 'bad breaks' category and it was just being thrown on top of the pile for Faith.
"Are you going to call Buffy? And Giles? And…"
"They need to know," he agreed, "but I don't know if I can keep… well, right now I just want to go out and have a good time with Faith… maybe you could…"
"No problem," Kennedy answered understandingly.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked. He nodded,
"Yeah, I'm doing okay right now… way I see it, I've got the easy part." Willow closed her eyes to maintain herself and when she opened them she saw Faith approaching from the bedroom. Xander greeted her with a soft smile which she managed to return.
"You sure you still want to go?" she asked quietly. Kennedy snapped her head in Faith's direction, unsure if that meek voice could possibly belong to her.
"Yeah," Xander assured her, shifting back into his strong façade. "I want to take you out to a nice restaurant and then we'll see where that takes us…"
"Okay," she answered with a soft smile. He stood up and walked over to her, kissing her gently. They said goodbye to Willow and Kennedy and left the house.
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"Hey kids," Joey, the restaurant owner greeted as he walked over to Xander and Faith sitting at their usual table towards the back of the room. "Haven't seen my favorite couple in a few weeks, you had me worried," he said jovially.
"Works been busy," Xander answered. Faith gave a soft smile in response,
"You're quiet tonight," Joey commented to Faith.
"Yeah," she answered almost blankly. Joey knew it wasn't like her but he moved on,
"So what can I get you two? Wait, should I go get a new pad of paper?" he joked. Xander motioned politely to Faith letting her go first and she answered,
"Just a small salad tonight…"
"What?" Joey asked grabbing his heart playfully with his hand. She forced a smile and sensing the tension he turned to Xander,
"I'll have the usual," he answered handing him the two menus.
"It'll be right out," he answered politely taking the menus from Xander and heading over to the kitchen.
"You okay?" Xander asked after taking a sip from his beer. She picked her hand up off of her lap and held his on the table and nodded saying softly, almost under her breath,
"I love you."
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Willow put the phone back in its cradle and stared down at her hand for several long moments afterwards. Kennedy walked across the kitchen towards her and wrapped her arms around her knowing how upset she must be. She knew how upset she was when Caleb had hurt Xander and now this… an even more painful extension of the same injury. Kennedy held her tightly as she cried hysterically on her shoulder. She had barely been able to hold herself together enough to get out the news to Buffy but now that that painful conversation was over she couldn't do anything but cry.
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Xander sat patiently in his seat watching Faith move the pieces of lettuce around on her plate but never lift any of it to her mouth. She had barely made a sound all night and it had given him too much time to think. He had wanted to go out so that they could have a good time like they always did and he wouldn't have to think about anything but her.
He was almost angry at her for being so quiet but he understood it. He knew her; when something bothered her she'd be obnoxious and loud, usually drawing attention from every corner of the room, but he could tell when she was really upset when she didn't say a single word. But as much as he understood it he felt an illogical anger that she had let him think about it so much. He wanted to just pretend nothing was going on but looking at her, she wouldn't let him.
"You going to eat anything?" he asked finally. He hadn't been hungry either but he had made himself eat his meal, trying to deny the fact that he felt any different from a normal day. She shook her head slowly,
"No… I'm not hungry."
"You don't want to eat… you don't want to talk… what do you want me to do?"
"Sorry."
"Let's try this, let's have a conversation… let's actually talk to one another tonight…" he said almost patronizingly. She understood his anxiety with the quiet but she really didn't think she was going to be able to talk.
"Xander… I feel like my heart is in my throat," she admitted, immediately gulping down the painful lump.
"Let's just go home," he said quickly, signaling Joey for the check.
Willow was already in her room going to sleep and Kennedy was out patrolling by the time they got home. Both of them had remained quiet on the way home barely acknowledging each other until they had pulled up in front of the house. Xander turned off the car and was about to get out when she reached to grab his hand but he was already out of the car. She took a deep breath and got out of the car following him into the house.
Xander walked straight from the door into their bedroom without a glance around him. Faith took a short detour, walking through the kitchen, and finding what she was looking for. There was a scribbled note on the table from Kennedy,
'Hope you had fun – I'll be out patrolling, only come out if you want to – Ken.' She tossed the paper into the garbage then headed towards her room. Xander had turned the television on and was pretending to care what the show was about when she walked in. He was leaning on the edge of the dresser where Faith had thrown the watch down earlier and began to unbuckle his belt, trying to busy himself as to not have to make eye contact with her.
She walked up to him and without a word she began unbuttoning his shirt. She got to the third button when he said,
"I can get it."
"But…" she defended weakly. She stepped back away from him and turned to face the other direction before running her hands through her hair in frustration. She turned half way back to him and offered firmly, "I could just go… and give you some time alone, if you want."
"Faith," he answered, his tone almost angry with her for offering it.
"Kennedy's out patrolling, I'll just go catch up with her…"
"You can't patrol – you're exhausted!" She shrugged,
"I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight anyway."
"I just don't get why you're being like this! I mean, I just don't get it! I can deal with you being you but I just don't understand you when you're acting like this… you I get, this I don't," he defended.
"Xander, I love you… and… hell, you'd think I'd learn already, right? You'd think I'd eventually get the fact that everything I love, everyone I've ever cared about gets fucking taken away from me! I was supposed to come home today and get ready for you and make you think I looked so wicked that all night, no matter what we went out to do, you wouldn't be able to think of anything except coming home and making love to me.
"But in the real picture, in the life of what I spent years making myself deserve, I get to go to work and listen to my boss almost fire me and talk to me like a whore then come home and hear that the only person that I love and trust and want to be with forever is dying. And all through dinner he's thinking about nothing else but how much I can't pull myself together enough to even be there for him and now that we're back he won't even let me touch him." Her voice was cracking painfully with each word but she managed to keep down the tears – masking over them with a thick layer of anger and rage. Before he could even absorb everything she had said she turned away from him, "I'll see you in the morning." She grabbed her leather jacket off of the foot of the bed and walked out of the bedroom and slammed the door to the apartment behind her.
Day I
The annoying beeping of the alarm clock sounded unceasingly seeming to increase in volume with every beep. Xander heard the alarm; he had been listening to it for the past ten minutes it seemed. He held his eyes shut refusing to be woken up by the alarm – he was to be on the later shift at work for the next two weeks but Faith had been stuck with the earlier shift. Finally he couldn't deny that he was completely awake and opening his eyes he saw Faith was… well definitely not awake. She was lying sprawled across his chest as far away from awake as one could be. He grimaced at the fact that he knew Slayer's had heightened hearing abilities, yet Faith seemed to be able to block just about anything out when she didn't want to wake up.
He groaned, shifting underneath her and pushing her in an attempt to wake her. She had been late everyday for the past week and a half… he had warned them not to put her on the early shift but he only had so much sway in the company. He turned his head towards the clock and saw that it was close to five thirty. He had a feeling of sympathy for her, knowing what it felt like to be on the early shift but he was also mad that she wasn't awake, and he – who didn't have to be up for another four hours – was awake.
"Faith, get up," he scolded as he pushed her up. Her response was a vague sigh and under further encouragement she turned and hit the alarm clock off of the table and onto the ground, where it still continued with its annoying beeping. Xander had certainly started out the week with more sympathy towards her but nearing Friday he pushed her up off of his chest and he got up. "Faith, get up!"
"Fuck you," she answered, for the first time showing that she was awake – far more awake then she wanted to be at this hour. She was all for being up this early when she had been up all night partying and things were just winding down but it baffled her that some people actually had to get up this early!
"There actually hasn't been much of that going on," Xander answered jokingly, but his tone could be mistaken as argumentative since neither of them were morning people.
"Then get me off the early shift!" she demanded almost in a whine.
"It's not up to me," he answered, rummaging through the pile of clothes for a shirt to throw on.
"Then tell them they're compromising your health by having me on the early shift," she answered matter of factly. He looked at her confused and she added, "lack of sex affects your work ethic…"
"I'll be sure to bring that up at the next Supervisor's Meeting."
------------
Xander dragged himself from their bedroom to the kitchen, seeing – as expected – Willow sitting at the kitchen table with her cup of tea as she read through the morning newspaper. The two couples, Willow and Kennedy, and Xander and Faith ended up finding an apartment that they couldn't pass up but that neither couple could afford alone. Together they could have it without stress so the next thing they knew, they were all roomies. It was a comfortable place with three bedrooms, a living room, two bathrooms and a nice kitchen. It was close enough to the rest of the gang but with enough distance to allow them to feel independent from everything on their downtime.
Willow had been concerned with the roommate idea – her and Faith never exactly being the best of pals – but everything had been working out great. They had been in the apartment almost four months and there had been more arguments within couples than between the two. From working together so long with the Slaying, living together was almost second nature.
"Morning," Xander greeted, being as jovial as he could this early. Him and Faith really weren't morning people in any sense of the word.
"Hey," Willow greeted with a soft smile knowing how hard it was for Xander to even make his way out of the bedroom. This morning was an improvement, not only had he managed to get out of his room but he had even remembered to toss on a shirt.
"Did you beat the paperboy again this morning?"
"No, he's getting quicker," she answered with a laugh. The two of them still acted like they did when they were in first grade growing up together, and it was nice that they had that easygoing relationship with someone. Both of them knew the stress and frustration of being with Slayer's, and both of them also knew the greatness of it.
"Kennedy still asleep?" Willow nodded then asked with a smirk,
"Is Faith still asleep?"
"Probably," he answered shaking his head. "She's going to get herself fired…" Willow giggled and Xander added, "it's not funny. I only got her the job a couple of weeks ago and I can count on one hand how many times she's been on time!" It was a running joke on the site and at home on Faith's tardiness issue.
"How's she doing at work?"
"She's great! She does the work really well – the Slayer strength certainly doesn't hurt – and she gets along with everyone great! A little better than I'd like but hey," he joked.
"She's an eyeful," Willow admitted.
"Yeah, the guys remind me all the time now." Xander poured out two cups of coffee and like clockwork Faith walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. "You're on time," he commented as he handed her the mug.
"Really?" she asked, searching the walls for a clock of some sort. He gave her a blank look and she answered, "Shut up."
"How sweet," Willow commented from behind her newspaper.
"Usually I get a 'hello' after her second cup of coffee." Faith leaned against the countertop sipping at her coffee quietly. She knew she wasn't the pleasantest person in the morning so she tried to keep to herself as much as possible. The good thing about their housing situation is that everyone of them was pretty well aware of the others – they all understood each other.
Faith watched Xander take a few sips of his coffee then walk over to the medicine drawer. He shuffled through a few of the various bottles, most of them Willow's herbal vitamins, and pull out a bottle of aspirin. He took out a few pills then drank them down with his coffee, replaced the bottle then closed the drawer. She noticed he was squinting slightly, but up until now she had assumed he just wasn't awake.
"You have a headache again?"
"Yeah," he answered, pleasantly surprised in a way that she had been that observant – especially before six in the morning.
"You've got to go get that checked out."
"Why? Headaches are normal…"
"Not when they last a week," she answered almost snapping at him. She got a 'whatever' response and she just continued getting herself ready to leave, not wanting to start an argument this early in the morning.
At six thirty – already running late – Faith headed for the door. Xander jumped in front of her before she left, like he always was sure to, to say goodbye. She was in a bad mood, or at least a typical mood for her at this time, and he couldn't help but feel responsible for it.
"So you're done early today, right?"
"Yeah, about four."
"We'll go out tonight… have a good time…"
"Whatever," she answered flatly heading for the door.
"Hey," he said, grabbing her arm gently to keep her from leaving on a bad note, "what's the matter?"
"I want you to go get that checked out," she answered, the concern in her tone making it obvious that that same concern was what had put her in that mood. Xander found it cute that she was in a bad mood because she was worried and it was, especially coming from someone like her.
"I'm going today," he assured her. "I already called into work and told them and I'm going to make an appointment for today…" She looked up at him, her eyes softening with each word until finally they were glowing.
"So I'll see you later?"
"Yeah," he answered kissing her tenderly for a long moment before stopping and allowing her to go to work late once again.
-----------
"Hey Faith," Charlie greeted as she strutted onto the site.
"Hey you, how's your girl?" she asked as she put her hard hat on.
"She's good, things settled down after I talked to her," he admitted.
"Told you," she added with a smirk. She left Charlie as he reached his station and continued towards her own. "Hey Toni," she greeted with a slight nod.
"Hey baby," he answered with a wave, "better watch your back today, the boss is looking for you."
"Great," she answered with a groan.
-----------
Xander walked back into the kitchen hanging up the phone on the wall near the fridge. Willow was still sitting in her seat having moved on from the newspaper to a thick, ancient looking novel – a regular from Giles home collection – with several notebooks and papers now scattered across the table. He looked over at the microwave to see the time, nine thirty.
"Got an hour and a half," he muttered, thinking aloud.
"Faith must be thrilled that you have the later shift," Willow commented with sarcasm. Xander nodded,
"Yeah, it's why she was in such a peachy mood this morning."
"I know, I got the whole warm and cuddly vibe off of her earlier."
"That's Faith all over," he added with a laugh.
"So she likes work and everything?"
"Yeah, things are pretty good," he answered. "I don't think she's really into the having to do something bit but she gets that everyone needs to chip in for the rent and everything plus the work's easy for her."
"I'm sure she'd rather just mug someone weekly to help chip in."
"I'm not going to lie – it was definitely her first offer," he kidded.
"Well hey, you said she gets along with the guys on the job… I'm sure a girl like her could make a pretty penny…"
"Let's not even go there," he answered.
"Why? Does it scare you to have her around all of them?" she asked curiously. She thought it would, not really because of Faith, but she'd dropped Xander off at work a few times and the place was packed with nothing but men.
"I joke about it, but not really," he answered honestly. "I mean, all of the guys think she's gorgeous and wouldn't take a second thought at having a run with her… but Faith has a way of demanding respect wherever she is, if you know what I mean."
"Yeah," she agreed. "So you're really not worried about her at all," she added in a surprised yet happy tone.
"I know her, Wil, and I love her more than anything… she's a great girl and I couldn't trust her more. The guys can be a little sleazy but they're nothing she can't handle."
"Faith's certainly dealt with her share of scummy men."
"Unfortunately," he agreed. "You know, she doesn't usually show it but man it's fucked her up pretty good." Willow nodded in understanding knowing there had been several occasions where through the tough façade she had caught glimpses of Faith's weaknesses, and more so, the causes of them.
"She loves you," Willow answered, knowing it was true.
"I know," he answered with a soft smile.
----------
The day turned out to move pretty quickly for her once it got moving. The only, and she certainly meant only, upside to working the early shift was that she was checking out of work around three, leaving her with plenty of time for afternoon fun. She was heading towards punch out when she heard the voice she had been avoiding all day – quite skillfully, I might add.
"Faith?" She continued to walk away, hoping by some vague chance that her boss might think there was actually another female on the site. "Faith!" he called again, but this time more reprimanding.
"Hey!" she greeted jovially as she turned towards him. The fake smile plastered on her face had lost its influence earlier that week and his stern expression remained. "How are things?"
"Office."
"Oh, come on," she whined – quite similarly to a high school student being brought down to the principal. They both walked into his office and he sat behind his desk. Larry was a firm guy who was a little too into himself for her liking – he tended to speak down to people, or at least he spoke down to her, probably because she was a chick. He was one of those types.
"So, were you on time this morning?" he asked patronizingly.
"Of course," she answered smoothly.
"For the early shift," he added, "you got that message, right? Because that's the one you're on now… it doesn't seem like you've realized that."
"So why not just switch me back to the later shift and we won't be running into this problem…"
"Faith, listen. I like you, I think you're doing a swell job but here's our problem; now I don't say my problem because this involves you too, it's our problem. I have a boss, and as you might be catching onto, you have to answer to a boss when you make mistakes. If my boss looks at the log and sees that I'm holding onto a new employee even though she's late nearly everyday, he's going to ask me why. Honestly, even if I could come up with that answer, he's most likely not going to be paying attention anyhow.
"So then his next question will be to me, well who hired her. And here's where this problem becomes our problem. I'll have to tell the truth-"
"Because you're such an honest civil servant," Faith added snidely. Larry continued without acknowledgement to her comment,
"I'll be forced to answer, 'why sir, it was Mr. Harris, one of the top supervisor's.' And then he's going to ask me why, someone of Harris' reputation would make such a poor judgment call and I might just have to answer that it's because he's fucking you!"
"What the-" Faith defended jumping up from her seat angrily. It hadn't been in a while – more like forever – since she could say her relationship with someone was more than just 'fucking'. She would've taken offense to the comment if it were true but since it wasn't she was furious.
"Now," he said cutting her off sharply, "I don't care how much playing around you do in his pants, it's not going to keep you your job, and more importantly, it's not going to keep his. Shape up," he ended dismissingly. Still standing from before she turned away from him and left the office, muttering more than loud enough for him to overhear,
"Scumbag," on her way out. She walked out of the office angrily and heading towards the punch out again she bumped into Toni.
"Hey baby… what's wrong?" he asked, his tone shifting quickly to extreme concern. There were a few sleazy guys on the site but the majority of them were good guys.
"Nothing," she answered quickly. "Have you seen Xander around today?"
"No, he called in sick I think."
"Yeah," she answered, finally settling herself and getting everything together. "I'll see you tomorrow, Toni."
"Later, babe. Tell the boss I said hey," he added, referring to Xander.
---------
Xander got home parking his car in front of the house. He shifted the car into park and turned the ignition off but sat there staring at the dashboard for several long minutes. He drifted into a sort of daze then regained himself and glanced at his watch. Seeing the time – 5:30 – he jolted himself into gear, knowing Faith had been home for at least an hour and got out of the car. He still wasn't completely out of his daze when he entered the house.
"Hey," Kennedy greeted, hitting him – lightly in her opinion – on the shoulder.
"Hi," he answered dryly. He walked past her and into the kitchen, grabbing two Heineken's out of the fridge before heading into his bedroom. The suite style of the bedrooms made the bathroom share a wall with the bedroom and he could hear the water from the shower just turning off. He sat down in a chair in the corner and opened the beer, leaving the other on the floor next to him for Faith. Sitting still again he drifted right back into his daze – his mind was both racing as well as refusing to form any comprehensible thoughts.
After an amount of time he didn't trust himself to make an accurate measure of, Faith immerged from the bathroom allowing the steam from the shower to pour from the doorframe. He was surprised his jaw didn't drop to the floor as she walked out looking the way she did. She had on a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a white, knit top that tied around the neck and back. Her hair was in its beautiful natural style – rough waves down her back – and her makeup was subtle but enhancing.
"Starting early, huh?" she asked, seeing him with the beer. "I thought we were going to go out," she mentioned with disappointment apparent in her voice. She walked closer to him then cocked her head to the side and looked down at him on the chair, "do you still want to?" He forced himself out of his haze and answered hesitantly,
"Yeah, of course… we should definitely go out. Yeah, that's a good idea," he babbled, as though he hadn't been the one with the idea that morning.
"You okay?" she asked suspiciously.
"Yeah, I'm just a little out of it, that's all…"
"Got me another burn out for a boyfriend, huh?" she joked.
"No," he answered quickly, unable to take that as a joke, especially after his talk with Willow about Faith's past that morning. Realizing by her expression that he had taken her joke the wrong way he covered, "how was work?" She was still suspicious but she answered,
"It was alright… I got there late again though and Larry kind of lost his shit. He made me go to his office and everything," she said, realizing how childish it felt. Xander took the comment at a slightly different angle, knowing a little more about Larry's track record when it came to bringing people into his office,
"He what?" he asked angrily. "I'll kill him – what did he do to you? What the hell happened?"
"Hey," she defended. "Nothing… what the hell's the matter with you today?" she asked, picking up the beer by his feet and opening it.
"Sorry," he answered stiffly. She took a few gulps of the beer before asking,
"Can't tell me you had a bad day today, with the not going to work and all…"
"I did," he answered blankly, seeming like he was going back to his daze even in the middle of conversation. He had told himself to say his day was fine but the words just fell out of his mouth. She smiled, stepping up to him and kissed him lightly on his lips hoping to make his day better. She expected him to hold her or pull her into him or at least kiss her back but the entire lack of any of that pushed her to alarm. She stood back up and asked quickly,
"What's the matter?"
"I went to the doctor today."
"And?" she asked, panic leaking into her throat.
"I don't want to talk to you about this," he answered quickly, trying to retreat from the inevitable conversation.
"Xander, talk to me," she demanded. He pressed his lips tightly together and stared around the room pensively for a few seconds before she pressed again, "Xander!" He looked up at her and saw in her face that he had to tell her but no matter how many times he had run over telling her in the car, doing it while he was looking into her face seemed impossible now.
"I went, and umm… well, they ran a bunch of tests… you know, because of the headaches… and…" he paused for a long moment, "baby, I'm dying." The room was quiet except for the crashing sound, which Faith thought was just her world colliding down on her, but as Xander quickly moved in his seat and grabbed the beer bottle on the ground she realized she had dropped it. He righted the bottle by his feet again then looked up at her in time to see the look of complete shock escaping her. She looked as if he had stolen the air right from her lungs.
"What?" she asked, still in disbelief. He reached his arm towards her, encouraging her to come sit down with him but she stood rigidly shaking her head, "what are you talking about?"
"Well," he stated, as though he were starting over, "I told them about the headaches and they were concerned because of…" he motioned towards where his left eye used to be under the eye-patch, still unable to really say it, "and it turns out when you get your eye gauged out, generally you're supposed to go for regular checkups… who would've thought it, huh?"
"Xander, what did they say," she asked, unable to block from her memory the night in the vineyard with Caleb. She was there and she felt she was almost as responsible as Buffy for what happened – she hated herself for not being able to stop what happened to the Potentials and what had happened to Xander.
"A lot of technical stuff that I didn't really get, but basically that there's an internal infection from the wound that because it's so close to the brain it spread and… well, they said it really doesn't look good. They say that's why I've had the headache's too…"
"So then they just told you that you were dying? I mean we're all dying, right? Everyone who's alive is dying as soon as they're alive, and…" she rambled anxiously.
"Baby, it's okay… it'll be fine," he comforted, standing up enough to grab her hand and pull her a few steps closer. He could see the muscles in her face trying to stifle her sobs,
"How is this okay?" she asked, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she held his hand tightly.
"Well," he answered, trying to lighten his tone as much as possible. "I'm here with the girl I love and you look absolutely gorgeous and you love me and that's as good as it gets, right?"
"Baby, how long… how long did they say?" she asked through her cracked voice.
"Well, they said it's in it's late stages and…" he trailed off, feeling her hand tighten anxiously around his and seeing the tears rolling down her cheeks. He was watching her cry almost openly – this was the same girl he knew would never cry for anything! He was angry at himself for making her so upset… it was the only distinct emotion he could understand and he hated himself for it.
"Baby, tell me," she pleaded feeling nothing but emptiness and pain inside of her. He took a deep breath then looked up at her and answered,
"Seven to ten days," he answered hesitantly. He felt her grip go completely flaccid and he had to clench his teeth tightly together to hold himself together in front of her. He stood up quickly and wrapped his arms tightly around her holding her more for himself than for her. He felt her body shake against his as she tried to hold back to hysteric sobs that were barely beneath the surface. "I'm so sorry," he admitted.
"Why are you sorry?" she asked wiping the tears from her eyes, "you didn't do anything wrong! You didn't do anything wrong…"
"Hey," he said, still managing to hold himself together, "let's go out."
"What?" she asked confused that he would even think of that.
"You look awesome and I said we were going to go out tonight and have a good time… I owe you that."
"No, it's fine… I… we…" she said trying to get her head straight enough to talk.
"I want to go out," he assured her. "I want to go have a good time with you."
"If you want to go out then we're going out," she answered, wanting to do anything he wanted to do. She nodded her head, trying desperately to paint a smile on her face, but her tense expression meshed with the streams of tears made the picture far from happy. Xander nodded to her as though her were accepting her attempt at a smile – she was almost angry at him for being better at covering up the way he felt right now. She was supposed to be good at this sort of thing. She was good at being indifferent… why was it that now when he needed her to look fine she couldn't?
She turned to one of the dressers with all of their stray things thrown on top of it and with a mirror mounted on the wall above it. She reached for her watch – a thick strapped, white leather watch Xander had gotten her. She noticed for the first time that her hands were shaking violently and she could barely control them enough to reach for the watch, not to mention attempt to strap it to her wrist, which was a tricky maneuver anyway. She remained facing away from him, trying to control her features without having to worry about looking at him, but the mirror in front of her reflected her panicked features at him.
He looked at her in the mirror and saw how miserable she was and how hard she was trying to be alright for him. He didn't know what to do… He pulled off the tee shirt he had on over an undershirt and grabbed a nice, white, button up, collared shirt hanging on the back of a chair. He put it on and began buttoning it up, unable to keep himself from watching her. She was standing with her back to him but he could see through the mirror that she was struggling with frustration trying to strap the watch to her wrist. Suddenly from out of nowhere she gave up, pulling the watch off of her wrist and throwing it down onto the countertop.
She clenched her fists, closing her eyes, and took a deep breath. Regaining herself somewhat she looked into the mirror and fixed some of her makeup quickly around her eyes. She looked at herself again in the mirror then allowed her eyes to look at Xander behind her in the reflection. He glanced over at her then seeing that she was looking slowly lowered his eyes to concentrate on buttoning his shirt. Seeing him standing there – the one thing in this world that she loved more than anything else – and knowing he was going to be snatched away from her like everything else she had ever cared about, she couldn't hold it together anymore.
The tight control over her breathing was the first thing she lost hold of – it hastened exponentially, leaving her practically gasping for a full breath, but she still tried to stifle it making it so she was barely breathing at all. Next the tears began to flow rapidly from her eyes – this wasn't so different from before but feeling like she was losing control she began to – almost in a panic – wipe away the tears, which reappeared on her cheeks before she had even wiped away the predecessors.
"Baby," he said soothingly as he quickly walked over to her. He pulled her hand away from her face and held it in his trying to figure out the best way to help her.
"I'm sorry," she said backing towards the bathroom, "I just… I just need a minute," she managed to get out. "I just need a minute," she said as more of a request than a statement. He walked with her all the way to the bathroom door, still holding her hand, he stopped her,
"Faith… it's okay… if you need to cry, you can… you don't need to go to the bathroom to cry, I know, it's okay," he said trying to calm her down as best as he could.
"I just… I… I… I need to just… I'm going to really flip out in a second and…"
"Okay," he nodded understandingly, immediately backing off and giving her the space she was subtly demanding. She looked at him painfully for a moment and he added, "I love you." Her face tightened immediately and she held back the sobs in her throat,
"Oh my God," she cried, "I love you so much…" she held her mouth with her hand to hold back to sobs, needing an actual hand to muffle them now. Xander embraced her calmly, holding his face against hers. After a moment she finally released her mouth and wrapped both arms around his neck tightly holding him against her as she calmed herself down, forcing herself to take deep breaths as she held her face cheek to cheek with his. As she calmed her breathing Xander heard the click of the door and turned his eyes towards it. Kennedy peaked her head in cautiously and gaining eye contact with Xander asked softly,
"Is everything okay?" Faith turned towards the voice then back to Xander's shoulder.
"Hey," Xander said raising his hand to her face and pushing the hair back from it, "Why don't you get cleaned up and I'll meet you in the kitchen, okay?" She nodded, it was the only thing she could make herself do, and then they hesitantly parted from one another. Faith walked into the bathroom – not wanting to leave him for a single second anymore but she didn't think she could handle listening to him tell Willow and Kennedy. The bathroom door swung closed behind her and Xander walked over to Kennedy.
-------------
Willow sat on the couch next to Kennedy with her knees bent up to her chest and her hands hiding most of her face from view. Almost the polar opposite, Kennedy sat hunched over with her arms lying on her thighs as she listened meticulously to everything Xander was saying. She could hear Willow sniffling from behind her hands; she felt empty and more sad than she'd ever felt before so she could only imagine how Willow felt. Xander kept nodding uncomfortably, trying to maintain his composure.
He found it harder in front of Willow than he did with Faith, which initially he thought strange but once he thought about it it made sense. Willow was the girl he grew up with, the girl who used to beat him up when he stole her Barbie or Fruit Cup. She was the one he went to when he had something to cry about and he was used to crying to her. But on the other hand Faith was the one he was always strong with – he was her macho boyfriend and in that he felt it his duty to stand strongly next to her, but with Willow he felt like he was just supposed to break down crying right next to her.
"Did they give you anything to take?" Kennedy asked, as the gap between speaking got too large for her to remain comfortable.
"Yeah, they gave me some meds for the headaches," he answered with a nod.
"How's Faith?" Willow asked, also remembering their conversation that morning. That morning felt like years before yet their childhood together felt like it had just passed moments ago.
"She's upset." He took a deep breath and added, "I've never seen her cry like that before…"
"She was crying?" Willow asked with both deep pity and sadness. Both Kennedy and Xander nodded and Willow couldn't help but remember a long time ago when she had been in a room with Faith and said to her spitefully, '…you had a hard life… a lot of people say you had some pretty bad breaks, but you know what… boo hoo!' Even now, after what Faith had done with the Mayor, she wished she could take that back. She knew this was something that was beyond the 'bad breaks' category and it was just being thrown on top of the pile for Faith.
"Are you going to call Buffy? And Giles? And…"
"They need to know," he agreed, "but I don't know if I can keep… well, right now I just want to go out and have a good time with Faith… maybe you could…"
"No problem," Kennedy answered understandingly.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked. He nodded,
"Yeah, I'm doing okay right now… way I see it, I've got the easy part." Willow closed her eyes to maintain herself and when she opened them she saw Faith approaching from the bedroom. Xander greeted her with a soft smile which she managed to return.
"You sure you still want to go?" she asked quietly. Kennedy snapped her head in Faith's direction, unsure if that meek voice could possibly belong to her.
"Yeah," Xander assured her, shifting back into his strong façade. "I want to take you out to a nice restaurant and then we'll see where that takes us…"
"Okay," she answered with a soft smile. He stood up and walked over to her, kissing her gently. They said goodbye to Willow and Kennedy and left the house.
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"Hey kids," Joey, the restaurant owner greeted as he walked over to Xander and Faith sitting at their usual table towards the back of the room. "Haven't seen my favorite couple in a few weeks, you had me worried," he said jovially.
"Works been busy," Xander answered. Faith gave a soft smile in response,
"You're quiet tonight," Joey commented to Faith.
"Yeah," she answered almost blankly. Joey knew it wasn't like her but he moved on,
"So what can I get you two? Wait, should I go get a new pad of paper?" he joked. Xander motioned politely to Faith letting her go first and she answered,
"Just a small salad tonight…"
"What?" Joey asked grabbing his heart playfully with his hand. She forced a smile and sensing the tension he turned to Xander,
"I'll have the usual," he answered handing him the two menus.
"It'll be right out," he answered politely taking the menus from Xander and heading over to the kitchen.
"You okay?" Xander asked after taking a sip from his beer. She picked her hand up off of her lap and held his on the table and nodded saying softly, almost under her breath,
"I love you."
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Willow put the phone back in its cradle and stared down at her hand for several long moments afterwards. Kennedy walked across the kitchen towards her and wrapped her arms around her knowing how upset she must be. She knew how upset she was when Caleb had hurt Xander and now this… an even more painful extension of the same injury. Kennedy held her tightly as she cried hysterically on her shoulder. She had barely been able to hold herself together enough to get out the news to Buffy but now that that painful conversation was over she couldn't do anything but cry.
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Xander sat patiently in his seat watching Faith move the pieces of lettuce around on her plate but never lift any of it to her mouth. She had barely made a sound all night and it had given him too much time to think. He had wanted to go out so that they could have a good time like they always did and he wouldn't have to think about anything but her.
He was almost angry at her for being so quiet but he understood it. He knew her; when something bothered her she'd be obnoxious and loud, usually drawing attention from every corner of the room, but he could tell when she was really upset when she didn't say a single word. But as much as he understood it he felt an illogical anger that she had let him think about it so much. He wanted to just pretend nothing was going on but looking at her, she wouldn't let him.
"You going to eat anything?" he asked finally. He hadn't been hungry either but he had made himself eat his meal, trying to deny the fact that he felt any different from a normal day. She shook her head slowly,
"No… I'm not hungry."
"You don't want to eat… you don't want to talk… what do you want me to do?"
"Sorry."
"Let's try this, let's have a conversation… let's actually talk to one another tonight…" he said almost patronizingly. She understood his anxiety with the quiet but she really didn't think she was going to be able to talk.
"Xander… I feel like my heart is in my throat," she admitted, immediately gulping down the painful lump.
"Let's just go home," he said quickly, signaling Joey for the check.
Willow was already in her room going to sleep and Kennedy was out patrolling by the time they got home. Both of them had remained quiet on the way home barely acknowledging each other until they had pulled up in front of the house. Xander turned off the car and was about to get out when she reached to grab his hand but he was already out of the car. She took a deep breath and got out of the car following him into the house.
Xander walked straight from the door into their bedroom without a glance around him. Faith took a short detour, walking through the kitchen, and finding what she was looking for. There was a scribbled note on the table from Kennedy,
'Hope you had fun – I'll be out patrolling, only come out if you want to – Ken.' She tossed the paper into the garbage then headed towards her room. Xander had turned the television on and was pretending to care what the show was about when she walked in. He was leaning on the edge of the dresser where Faith had thrown the watch down earlier and began to unbuckle his belt, trying to busy himself as to not have to make eye contact with her.
She walked up to him and without a word she began unbuttoning his shirt. She got to the third button when he said,
"I can get it."
"But…" she defended weakly. She stepped back away from him and turned to face the other direction before running her hands through her hair in frustration. She turned half way back to him and offered firmly, "I could just go… and give you some time alone, if you want."
"Faith," he answered, his tone almost angry with her for offering it.
"Kennedy's out patrolling, I'll just go catch up with her…"
"You can't patrol – you're exhausted!" She shrugged,
"I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight anyway."
"I just don't get why you're being like this! I mean, I just don't get it! I can deal with you being you but I just don't understand you when you're acting like this… you I get, this I don't," he defended.
"Xander, I love you… and… hell, you'd think I'd learn already, right? You'd think I'd eventually get the fact that everything I love, everyone I've ever cared about gets fucking taken away from me! I was supposed to come home today and get ready for you and make you think I looked so wicked that all night, no matter what we went out to do, you wouldn't be able to think of anything except coming home and making love to me.
"But in the real picture, in the life of what I spent years making myself deserve, I get to go to work and listen to my boss almost fire me and talk to me like a whore then come home and hear that the only person that I love and trust and want to be with forever is dying. And all through dinner he's thinking about nothing else but how much I can't pull myself together enough to even be there for him and now that we're back he won't even let me touch him." Her voice was cracking painfully with each word but she managed to keep down the tears – masking over them with a thick layer of anger and rage. Before he could even absorb everything she had said she turned away from him, "I'll see you in the morning." She grabbed her leather jacket off of the foot of the bed and walked out of the bedroom and slammed the door to the apartment behind her.