Looking back on it now, I guess you could say that we all forced this upon ourselves. But in order to understand why I am writing this, and leaving this letter to any who may find it, you need to know the whole story- Jake's story, Rachel's story, Tobias's story, Marco's story, Ax's story, and especially my story- from the beginning. And so, here it is:
I am sick of this war.
Those were the words that were running through my head as I sat in English class. I was staring out the window, entranced by the rain that was steadily and rhythmically pounding down, soaking everything.
I yawned. I was tired. We, as in the Animorphs, had had another late mission last night. So late that I hadn't gotten slept enough. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, added to my frazzled nerves, (I had just failed a quiz last period because I hadn't studied for it) that was making me think of how annoyed I was with this war.
Maybe it was more than that. We had all been feeling drained and weary from the secret war that we were fighting. The secret war that we had been fighting for almost three years. Tomorrow would mark the anniversary of the day that Marco, Rachel, Jake, Tobias, and I had received the morphing power from Prince Elfangor. Funny, but none of us were feeling very celebratory toward that fact.
"Cassie, are you paying attention?" My teacher glared at me.
I felt my cheeks turn hot as everyone in the class turned their eyes on me. "Yes ma'am," I muttered, embarrassed to be caught at my daydreaming.
Jake turned around discreetly to give me a little look. I didn't usually get reprimanded during class. Maybe he thought it was bad for security, or maybe he just wanted to tell me that he understood how I felt. It was most likely the former. I shrugged imperceptibly, and he gave me a rare, sympathetic smile. I was openly surprised to see it. It was maybe the first smile I'd seen on his face for a long time.
Strange that that little smile was enough to make me turn hot all over again. It's been almost three years since Jake and I joined in this undercover battle, and still neither of us has admitted our feelings to each other, save for an occasional kiss. I'm not even sure if we still do have feelings, let alone for each other.
To tell the truth, Jake and I hadn't kissed for a long time (not that we did it that often anyway). Rachel and I hadn't hung out together for the longest time either. It was starting to feel like the only thing I did with my friends was fight. This war had, and still was, slowly tearing all of us apart. Apart from our families, apart from our friends, and apart from each other.
As soon as Jake turned around and as soon as the teacher resumed her lecturing, I turned my attention to the window again. The rain was still streaming down, maybe even harder now. The rushing water cleansed the ground.
I watched the ground almost enviously. I needed to be cleansed. Maybe all of us Animorphs did. This war... had changed us in so many ways. It had changed me, personally. I knew that I wasn't the same person now that I had been three, even two years ago. I didn't...care as much as I used to. It scared me, what I was on my way to becoming.
The bell suddenly rang, signaling the end of the day and jarring me out of my thoughts. Everyone stood up to rush out of the classroom, loudly talking and laughing. Jake accidently-on-purpose knocked over the books on my desk. We both knelt down to pick them up, as planned.
"Meeting in the barn today," he whispered quietly, so no one else could hear. I nodded indiscernibly and muttered a "thanks." He stood up and continued walking. That was about all I said to Jake during school in a typical day. In the past, it would have been because we were watching our security, trying to make it seem to everyone else like we weren't too close. But now it was because there wasn't anything left to say. And even worse, as I watched Jake's retreating back, I realized that I had gotten used to there not being anything more to say. And that was the sad thing.
Later, we gathered in the barn for the meeting that Jake had told me about earlier. We were all in our customary positions; that, at least, had remained the same.
Marco sat on a bale of hay. Tobias was perched in the rafters. Ax was in human morph, leaning stiffly against a wall, while Jake paced around anxiously out of habit. Rachel was standing impatiently, waiting for the meeting to be over. And I, as usual, was carrying out with my feeding and caring for the various animals that are kept in our barn, aka wild animal clinic.
Everyone was in their usual spots, but it still felt...strange. I guess the plain truth of it was that we had all grown away from each other. So far away that it didn't seem possible for any one of us to come back. Jake had become the tired and depressed olf general. Marco was more sarcastic. His remarks were scathing and left a bruise on you. Rachel was... more Rachel. More beautiful, more dangerous, more exciting, more fearless, more fear-inducing. Tobias was lonesome, withdrawn, as was Ax. Both didn't talk much, but when Ax did, it was usually to produce a typical arrogant Andalite response. And me...well, I felt like I was less like myself then I had ever been before.
Do you see what I mean? We had all just...grown apart. We didn't meld together anymore. And now it was almost unbearable to be together unless we were fighting or something.
"Well? Why are we here?" Rachel finally asked. "I have way too much homework to do to be just sitting here."
"Oh, the great Rachel does her homework? I'm surprised. I would have thought that Xena could breeze by without doing any work." Marco said.
"Shut up, Marco," Rachel growled. She glared at him. "I'm not in the mood for any of your stupid jokes."
"Sorry," Marco sneered. "I forgot that no one's allowed to say anything to you unless you deem it okay. Otherwise, you might, you know, morph grizzly and kill us all. I'm surprised you haven't done so already."
"I'm surprised no one's killed you too, Marco. What is up with you? Do you just like getting on everyone's nerves or something?" Rachel snarled.
"Guys, shut up," Jake ordered wearily. "We're here for a reason other than to yell at each other."
"Ya think?" Marco muttered.
"Perhaps, Prince Jake, it would be best if we proceeded with the meeting? Ing?" Ax asked, in a voice as snippety as I've ever heard him.
Jake didn't even tell Ax not to call him prince. He seemed too tired to bother with it. "Alright," Jake sighed. "Might as well cut to the chase. Erek told me today that the Yeerks are holding a concert. A free concert for the public, introducing everyone to the Sharing. They're going to have a variety of local bands playing."
There was a silence in the barn. "So?" Marco asked.
Jake shrugged. And waited.
"Guys," I piped up, trying to force a fox to take a pill that would eventually help him. "Don't you see? This could be a huge blow for the Yeerks. They get everyone to come to this, and everyone suddenly begins to like the Sharing. And if everyone likes the Sharing, then more people will join it, and more people will become controllers." As I finished speaking, I shoved the pill violently into the fox's mouth.
Rachel nodded, agreeing with me. "We have got to get to this and shut it down. Fast and hard."
"Do not take offense, ense, ssuh, Rachel, but has there ever been a situation, shun, where you have not wanted to go in "fast and hard"?" Ax asked in a very-un-Ax-like- way.
"No," Rachel said very slowly. "Do you have a problem with that?"
I moved on to the next row of animals, ignoring the possible fight looming right in front of me.
"No, I have no problem. Em." Ax said, in a tone that clearly indicated that he did have a problem with it.
Marco watched me working. "What's the matter, Cassie? Aren't you gonna play peacemaker and stop this?" He gestured towards Ax and Rachel.
"It's good you have no problem. Cuz otherwise I might have to create one," Rachel was saying in a voice laced with anger.
"Is that a threat?" Ax demanded, for once not playing with sounds.
I looked up steadily into Marco's eyes. "No, I'm not going to stop them." I went back to checking on the cages. That, at least, seemed like a safe thing to do.
"Yes, it is a threat," Rachel said, her voice rising.
"Weak human," Ax sneered. "You cannot control yourself or your emotions."
"And I suppose the high and mighty Andalites can?" Marco jumped in, oddly on Rachel's side.
Rachel now had a target for her anger. "Shut up, midget, I don't need your help!"
I stopped checking the cages and watched. I could have intervened, maybe stopped the three of them from fighting, but the thing was, it didn't matter to me that much. It just didn't.
"Of course. Xena doesn't need anyone's help- except maybe a psychiatrist!"
So are we gonna do this or not? Tobias spoke up suddenly, aiming his question at Jake.
The arguments and yelling and shouting died down as we all turned to see Jake's reaction.
Jake shrugged. "I don't care," He said. "Do whatever you want. I've had enough." He shrugged again.
What do you mean by "you've had enough"? Tobias asked testily. He rearranged his wings, and I was suddenly struck with the thought that it had been a long time since I had seen Tobias in human morph.
Jake barked out a short, harsh, laugh. "Look at us," he said. "Look at where all my ideas and planning and-" a look of disgust came onto his face as he spat out the next word. "-leadership have gotten us. Sitting in a barn, fighting. What's the point? We're never going to win this war anyway, so why are we even wasting our time? What the hell's the point?" He shook his head. Then he looked up at us again, with the eyes of an old man. "You guys all can do what you want. But me? I'm out of this war." He turned and began on his way out of the barn.
We should have said something. One of us, any of us, should have spoken up and said something. But that was the thing- none of us did. Instead, we all just watched Jake walk out of the barn and out of the war.
We were all shocked. I mean, we knew that things had gotten bad. One look around before Tobias had spoken could have shown that. But the thing is- we all just sort of expected each of us to hang in there. We had never expected anyone- least of all Jake- to leave. We probably had no idea of the strain Jake had been under, leading us all. But we still hadn't expected Jake to leave us. And when he did- well, he kind of took everything holding us together away with him too.
It was my fault for what happened next. Maybe if I hadn't said what I said and done what I did, we could have made it. We might have just been operating with a different leader. But then again, everyone might have left just the same anyways.
"Get out," I told everyone.
"What?" Marco asked.
"You heard me. All of you, get out. I've had enough, too. Just get out of here. Now." I stared each of them down.
They all left. For once, they actually listened to me and left. And I guess that this was the real evidence that this whole war had changed me: after they left, I just went back to taking care of the animals and cleaning the cages. It didn't bother me at all. Not one bit.