DISCLAIMER: Orpus and Belzon don't own any of the characters in the following passage, with the exception of Mr Cactus, the Flying Cupcake, and Mungo. Histrionic Hyphen-Girl, on the other hand, owns the world. But what's that you say? Nobody OWNS the world? Well, I have a message for you, hippie—I BATHE! AND EAT MEAT! SO THERE!!! Also, I am a higher-level hippie.

NUDGE: Ahh. I can tell today will be another boring day!

NIKO: .....You know, you said that yesterday, just before the meteor full of pink cat slime hit the boat.

NUDGE: ...It wasn't cat slime, you fool, it was....uh..bear pies..I think.. BUT MY INTUITION IS RIGHT FIVE TIMES OUT OF A HUNDRED!

LINK: does math You mean one in twenty times?

NUDGE: ....well, I thought bigger numbers would be more impressive.

KIWI: lands on deck

ALL: o.o

KIWI: is a kiwi

MUNGO: Burrdeee!! Chickin! We're a-havin' chickin tonaight!! reaches for kiwi

KIWI: runs him through with beak

MUNGO: huh? thirty seconds pass OWWWW!!

MR CACTUS: I say, there does appear to be a floating object straight ahead with a trajectory in this dyrection.

MUNGO: Hyuh hyuh hyuh! Mistour Plantactatus talks funny!

TETRA: Shoot it! Powder monkey, get to the cannons!

LINK: Uh, don't you think maybe we should—

TETRA: I'M the captain, dammit!

BARON HARKONNEN: gets shot EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

PIRATES: Hey, wow, that was an impressive . Maybe we should have him coach us!

TETRA: HELL NO! FIRE AGAIN!

CANNON: boom

BENDER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... pluff

BARON HARKONNEN: What the—!? There's a shiny robot stuck in my arse!

BENDER: muffled DEAR GOD, SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW!!

TETRA'S CELLPHONE: rings with Powerpuff Girls theme

PIRATES: ..... oO

TETRA: growls YOU HEARD NOTHING!! answers cellphone

MYSTERIOUS YET COMMANDING VOICE: Captain Tetra McPyrate, you are to return to Pirate HeadQuarters immediately. This is an order.

TETRA: Well, we can do that, but—Heyyy...waitaminnit! There are no Pirate Headquarters!

MYSTERIOUS YET COMMANDING VOICE: I don't think you have an option, Captain McPyrate. You see, I have tracked down someone very close to you.

TETRA: goes pale Oh Goddesses...you don't mean...

MYCV: That's right, Captain McPyrate. And if you don't show up on Windspider Island within twelve hours.... squeaking noises

TETRA: GODDESSES, NO!! MR. FLUFFLEKINS!!!

PIRATES: only hearing half of the conversation Whaa???

LINK: Mr. Flufflekins? Is that some kind of—

MAKO: pokes Link I think that means you.

TETRA: Grrrrr... turns off cellphone Come on. We're sailing for Windspider Island.

LINK: Oh Goddess! Not...Windspider Island!!

NIKO: What? What's so bad about Windspider Island?

LINK: Actually, I have no clue. I've never heard of the place.

MAKO: It's a lame name, too.

GONZO: I've honestly, truly never heard of that place. How the hell will we know where it is?

LINK: Don't worry, we'll go to the little highlighted space on my map. See?

GONZO: Say, that's kinda weird.

TETRA: Bring in the artillery and hoist the sails.

NUDGE: hauls in Bender and Baron Harkonnen

TETRA: .......................

NUDGE: Sorry, boss. The robot done got stuck waaay up in the lard-ass's ass.

BARON HARKONNEN: ?! I resemble that remark!!

Hours later...

TETRA: Okay, we're here at Windspider Island.

LINK: Er, no we're not. This is just the petrol station adjacent to it.

TETRA: .................Shut up.

GONZO: The Horror of Windspider Island!

NUDGE: The Giant Windspider Invasion of SAVINGS at Menards!

GONZO: ...Mine was better.

NUDGE: Nuh-UH!

After nearly an hour of wandering around the island...

LINK: Are you SURE there's a pirate headquarters here?

TETRA: No. In fact, I'm pretty sure there's NO pirate headquarters. Anywhere. Even so—

HOODED FIGURE: appears with a poit Ah, you've arrived. Follow me.

ALL: o.O¿ but follow

They enter a straw-roofed hut made of the bones of telemarketers and door-to-door Jehovah's Witness missionaries. The Hooded Figure gestures at a row of chairs.

TETRA: sits

OTHERS: begin to sit

TETRA: slaps them in a row, like Mom in Futurama does to her idiot sons Only I get to sit!

LINK: (Ooh, a girl touched me. Either she gave me cooties or she likes me...)

WINDSPIDER: runs through the room

MUNGO: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!! jumps into Link's arms

LINK: collapses

TETRA: AAAH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! —MUNGO, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SECOND FIRST MATE!?!

HOODED FIGURE: reveals itself to be the Mysterious Yet Commanding Voice Ah, yes. That's Fido. He's a camel spider. windspider crawls up his arm and gives him a kiss

MUNGO: I dunn' like sp-sp-spidurz....

LINK: muffled MMHFHMFHFHMHFFFUHHHF!!!

TETRA: clears throat Anyway, sir, why have you called us here? gives him a look And where is...?!

MYCV: Ah, yes. Your stuffed hamster is perfectly safe. tosses her a round fluffy object

TETRA: catches MR. FLUFFLEKINS!!! OH, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! kiss kiss You'we a vewy naughty boy, you know that? kiss kiss Wunning away fwom your mommy like that!!

PIRATES: ....°o° (—mouths hanging open)

TETRA: glares around the room He's a miniaturised Giant Space Hamster. They're very hard to come by!!

MYCV: steeples fingers in an ominous manner Now, Captain McPyrate, I think it's time to get down to business. We've called you here because—

SENZA: snickers McPyrate? Your last name is...McPyrate? snorts

TETRA: sends him an evil glare My great-grandfather is from Scotland, okay?

LINK: pops head out From a whozawhat now?

TETRA: Besides, at least my last name isn't as stupid as yours!

MAKO: Yeah, Manhosier!

LINK: ...wait... Senza's full name is Senza Manhosier'?

MUNGO: Send the man-hoes here?' Ha ha! points

SENZA: runs out of the room crying

MYCV: tries to look impassive and not confused We've brought you here, Captain McPyrate, because you've been reassigned. A new captain recently joined the Pirates' Guild, and he's been itching to try out a ship of his own.

TETRA: scowls ......How much did he pay you?

MYCV: What? That—that's none of your business. And for your information, he didn't pay me. In money, anyway.

TETRA: Oh, my bad. How much HEAD did he give you?!

MYCV: sputters almost loses composure for a second You're trying my patience, young woman. hits button on desk Miss Potsdam, send in the new guy.

MISS POTSDAM OVER SPEAKER: in an obviously-fake Brooklyn accent Right away, Mr McButterpants.

MYCV: giku!

TETRA: points Ha ha! Your last name is McButterpants! What's your first name? Fatty?!

MYCV: sputters Now we're DEFINITELY going to replace you!

Suddenly, there is a knock on the door. It opens smoothly to reveal a blonde man, somewhat middling in age but more aging in the middle, who clasps his hands behind his back after smoothing down his velour tunic.

NEW GUY: Ah, so this is my crew. Good work, Mr. McButterpants. You may leave with honour. Kiff, engage Standard First Meeting Procedure Z-05.

SMALL GREEN GUY NEXT TO HIM: sighs

HHG: I'm going to go take a nap. Orpus and Belzon will add to the writing after these messages!

insert Grandma Matoya's Toadhouse Cookies commercial

LINK: after commercial Yay! Cookies!

KIFF: disgusted The fatso wants you all to sit down.

ALL: sit

TETRA: Link?

LINK: A-yeeeeees?

TETRA: Get off my lap before I nullify your existence.

LINK: Eep! switches positions

TETRA: now on Link How... did you do that?

LINK: like Mr. Bean Magic! snorty laugh

TETRA: gets off Link and throws chair out window

LINK: AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ding

LINK: respawns on floaty platform thing What the wizz!?!

KIRBY: eats Tetra, gets Tetra wig Cool! What power did I get?

LINK: Well, if I know Tetra (Aside: And I DO know Tetra eyebrows), you can yell at people really really hard now.

KIRBY: Wheeeeeeee! runs off

TETRA: Was I just eaten by a fluffy pink marshmallow spud?

LINK: Yep!

CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Ah, it's good to see you're all here. Keep in mind, I ask only the complete loyalty of my men... if that's met, then I don't care if you sit around all day, drinking beer in your underpants.

CREW: yaaaay

—Later, on the boat...

LINK: hears Brannigan say something Hey, he's stupider than me! ME!

TETRA: I know. HOW THE HELL CAN HE BE A CAPTAIN?!?

LINK: I dunno. How the hell can I be the Hero of Time?

TETRA: Shut up. Something must be done...

—And now, someone else's turn to write!

CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Ah, my loyal crew!

RANDOM PIRATE: You suck!

CAPT. BRANNIGAN: Alright, crew, I'm going to say something that you might not like to hear, but I must say it, no matter how much it hurts me on the inside...

TETRA: Get on with it, you disgusting fat slob!

CAPT. BRANNIGAN: I'll assume that by disgusting fat slob, you're referring to Kif here. Now, crew, it saddens me to tell you this, but according to new pirate regulations, I'm afraid that you will no longer earn a percent of any treasure that we capture. No, instead, I will have to hoard it away for myself, as much as I hate to say. But, my loyal crew, I'm sure that... catches a tomato in the face

CREW: MUTINY!!!!!!!!

one mutiny later...

TETRA: to Kif, who is sitting in a rowboat Go back to Windspider island and tell that goon that he's not the boss of us.

KIFF: whose boat carries a tied and gagged Brannigan Aye, aye, sir. rows away

LINK: Hooray! We're independent again!

GONZO: dancing like a idjit Hoo! Haa! Hoo! Haa!

NIKO: slips and falls Ow! My brittle impure beaver hip!

TETRA: Shut up and deal with it. Okay! We're sailing for Windspider Island!

ALL: WHAAAA?!

NUDGE: B-but Miss Tetra, we just left there. Not to mention that we never want to go there again...

TETRA: Shaddap! We're going to bombard that little turd's house for hamsternapping Mr. Flu... I mean, for thinking he's our boss and ordering us around! secretly hugs Mr. Flufflekins Mama loves you.

LINK: You do? Hot diggity dog damn, I done gots me a lady-friend! WEEDAWGIE!!!

TETRA: smashes Link SHUT UP, I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU!!

MAKO: Miss Tetra, we should be arriving at Windspider Island within minutes.

TETRA: Really?! Wow, that's quick!

MAKO: Well, not really. Although it is affected by the helluva fast property of this boat, we really only left Windspider Island about half an hour ago.

TETRA: Really?

SENZA: It felt like weeks!

NUDGE: Stupidity has that effect. Ever listen to one of your own stories?

SENZA: ...Huh?

NIKO: Ooh, he just called you stupid!

NUDGE: Nuh-uh, I implied that he is stupid.

NIKO: Whatever.

LINK: Uh, I think there might be a problem, guys..

TETRA: What is it?!

LINK: points

The pirates look. A large net composed of reeds, rope, and Ron Popeil's Spray-On Hair has been woven around Windspider Island.

MYCV, OVER A LOUDSPEAKER: Ah, yes. I thought you'd be returning, Miss McPyrate. That's why I hired on some extra security for my little island in the sun.

STRANGE VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER: I AM KRUG! SCOURGE OF THE UNDERWORLD AND MASTER OF UNPLEASANT THINGS! BOW TO ME OR FACE MY WRATH!

ALL: o.O¿¿¿

NUDGE: Aww, come on, guys! He wouldn't be so tough if it weren't for all that power!

TETRA: Full speed ahead!

They get caught in the net. What a surprise.

TETRA: %##¤¶!!

NIKO: Wow, I'll have to write that one down. pulls out a notepad and a quill-pen Crap. Tetra, how do you spell ?

TETRA: $½Å YOU!

BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

NUDGE: Hey, I've got an idea!

TETRA: Yes? I'm waiting.

NUDGE: ..Oh, wait. Never mind. It's gone.

TETRA: growls Fire Torpedo One!

LINK: But Tetra, we don't HAVE a—

TETRA: WE DO NOW! loads Nudge into one of the cannons and fires him at Windspider Island

NUDGE: AAAAAAAAAAA bounces off Krug

KRUG: IT'S A HOO-MAN WORM-BABY! KRUG WILL LOVE HIM AND HUGGLE HIM AND CALLS HIM GOERGE!

MYCV: Er, don't you mean

KRUG: GRRRR!!

MYCV: sighs exasperatedly Fly, my pretties! Flyyy!!

A CLUMP OF WINDSPIDERS: Rrrreeeeeeeee! fly over boat and drop tiny bombs, which explode on contact and release some kind of purple gas

PIRATES: AAH! CHEMICAL WARFARE!! cough cough

GIANT BUG HEAD SKULL THING: BROOOOOOGH!!

FLYING TICKS: reeeeeeee!!

COCCOS: swarm on Link

LINK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! NOT AGAIN!!!!!

TETRA: Flaming flatulence of Din! They're dropping powdered fungus!! Everyone, hold your breath! covers mouth

MUNGO: forgets to breathe and passes out

GONZO: Don't worry, as my strangely misshapen chest-hair curl will keep us safe! stands in a heroic pose

NIKO: I thought you shaved it that way.

GONZO: Heck no, it's actually a birthmark. A hairy birthmark.

BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEE! NOT THE EYES, PITER! NOT THE EEEEYYYYYEEEES!!!

MYCV: Fire One!

RAZIEL: AAAAAAAAA thunk

MAKO: o.O Tetra, there's a pantsless blue guy stuck into the ship.

NUDGE: OH NOES! HULL BREACH!! WE'RE SINKING!!! runs back and forth like a headless chicken Bok buk bok buk bok bok...

RAZIEL: %#$¤¤... wrenches head from side of boat That's the LAST time I ask Azimuth for directions!! Bloody lying bitch...Kain's not here, he's not anywhere!! mutters incoherently

SENZA: Kain? Kain Blue River??? big sparkly eyes I'll bring him here! chants a horrendously bastardised version of Tingle's magic words YEA I CALL THEE FORTH, KAIN!!

There is a mighty pouf.

ZEPHON: Who, me? Mahahahahahaha!

HHG: smash! No, you're a poof, and a gitly one at that! bunts

The smoke from the pouf clears, revealing a tall and very slender man with pale hair and even paler skin.

KAIN: ....Oh bloody Hell...

RAZIEL: points THAT'S NOT KAIN! He's—he's—white...

KAIN: What's wrong with that?! It's not like I'm a Nazi or anything!

RAZIEL: ....Kain is supposed to be green!

KAIN: Huh? grows scales and spikes with a poit This isn't green! It's bronze yellow! Who are you, anyway?!

Raziel is just about to answer, but another salvo from the flying spiders sends him into a bout of coughing. Odd, that, considering the fact that he's twice-dead, has no need to breathe, and doesn't even have lungs.

RAZIEL: Ohh, look at the pretty colours.... suddenly begins twitching and curls into a fetal position ELDER GOD, NO!! NOT BLOCK PUZZLES!! AAHHH! TOO....MANY....BOXES...brain..hurt... vision..tunneling....

TETRA: Mr Flufflekins!! NOOO!!! watches Mr Flufflekins scamper off and become wedged in the steering wheel

BADGERS: dancing Badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM! badger badger badger badger...

RAZIEL: twitches

LINK: spazzes

DEMENTOR: dements

HARRY POTTER: passes out

BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEEEEEE!! spins around uncontrollably

MYCV: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! My plan is working!!

LINK: snaps out of his fungus trip long enough to cast Din's Fire

NET AROUND ISLAND: catches fire and is destroyed

LINK: All right! Quick, sail ahead now, out of the fungus cloud!

WATER AROUND SHIP: burns

LINK: ....oO That's not normal...

SHIP: catches fire

LINK: SHIT!

TETRA: MR FLUFFLEKINS!!! yanks on Kain's serape COME BACK TO MEEEE!!

KAIN: .......And Staljos has FUN visiting these alternate universes? God, some people's children.

JANOS: Hey!

BARON HARKONNEN: EEEEEEEE!! possesses Selas Victoria's gun

LINK: Shit...shit...gotta do something...gotta do something... makes unpleasant sound It's the only thing I can think of... climbs onto railing of ship, unzips his tunic, and pisses out the flames

SENZA: o.O

LINK: Aaahhhh... Goddesses, that feels better.. I've been holding it in for three games now! looks around Now we just need to get to the island. looks around some more grabs Raziel and begins using him as an oar

RAZIEL: WTF!? HEY! PUT ME DOWN! Just because I'm no longer destroyed by water doesn't mean you can exploit me like this! I'VE GOT MY UNION RIGHTS!!

HHG: And can you believe that Histrionic Hyphen-Girl isn't British, she just plays one on TV? More after these messages of DOOM! Doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom...doom... Go home now.