A Light in the Darkness

"Buddi!"

Ursa growled and jerked her child up. He had fallen again. Training was frustrating with this cub. He didn't like it so he didn't try. At least that's how Ursa saw it. She knew what he was capable of. He'd been swift and agile in Barbic woods. But now, he hated training. He always had but he'd always had the trees to go to when it was over. Here, there were no trees, only mountains that scared him.

"I'm..I'm sorry, Ursa." Then, he wiped the dirt from his face and looked at Ursa. She rolled her eyes in exasperation and looked at him sternly. He bowed his head and she lifted it back up.

"Buddi. You're not paying attention! Listen to me for once!"

"I…I do."

Ursa gave him a fierce glare. "Well, it sure doesn't show!"

Buddi looked at her with wide, blinking eyes. She always felt odd when he looked at her that way. She knew he was trying to tell her something but she could never understand what. So, she ignored it and said with exasperation and a brief tint of anger,

"Maybe I should let GRITTY train you!"

Buddi grabbed her hands. "No, no, no!"

She shoved him off. "Then actually act like the Barbic you are! I know that you're little so don't give me that excuse! I arrange your training so it's suitable for your age. But you have to actually try!"

Buddi fought the tears her stinging words brought and spoke, "But…I.."

"No tears!" Ursa interrupted him. She swatted the tears on his eyes away. "No tears. Barbics don't cry!"

Buddi couldn't take it anymore. He burst into tears, ran from her and indoors.

Ursa followed him with her eyes a time before picking up his abandoned spear and heading inside herself.

"Okay Ursa," she said to herself. "That was a tad harsh."

She shrugged in defense. "He's a Barbic. He'll get over it."

Ursa walked down the halls and into the weapons' room. It was late; they'd eaten earlier so everyone else was doing the nighttime rituals that they usually did. She laid her spear in its holder before returning Buddi's to his own. She leaned by the window a moment, thinking.

She had been way too harsh. But she was not about to admit that. She rarely admitted anything that she had done wrong. Lately, she'd been wondering though. The others did so well, that she doubted her own use, outside a warrior. Buddi seemed like he only did as she asked to please her. She didn't know if he actually picked something up. She hoped so but she didn't know.

'Leadership." Ursa said it aloud. What did it really mean? Give orders? Was that all it meant? Was that all the impact she had? Did she just call the shots and that was it? Did she have no other input in the others? In their lives? In her Buddi's life?

But before Ursa could think of anything else, a flash of light and a voice said,

"Look and see, Ursa Barbic."

Then, everything went black.

* * *

Ursa sat up slowly, her head aching. She cursed and then stumbled to her feet, using the trees as support…. the trees.

Ursa looked around her. She knew these trees. She knew these woods. Her former home, where she was born, where she grew up. She felt a terrible longing in her heart. Barbic Woods…. home, her home. She was home. She looked around and saw Gritty. She ran to him.

"Gritty!"

He made no reply! She swallowed and said again, "hey, Gritty!"

She swatted her hand at him. It went through him. Or rather his body went through her hand. She stumbled back, staring at her hands.

"Wha-"

"You need to see this."

Ursa whirled, her sword drawn in an instant. Then, the voice came again,

"Be calm, Barbic. I'm not a threat."

Ursa lowered her sword but kept her ears and eyes open and peeled. The voice continued,

"You know the spell that Buddi went through."

Ursa nodded. Zummi had cast a spell on Buddi that let him see….

She gasped,

"Am I in a reality where I was never born?"

"Accurate."

"Am I…stuck here? Is that why no one can see me?"

"No and yes. You are here to see what would happen, just as Buddi was. But you are not to remain here. Just as with Buddi, for one hour you will see different clips of this reality. Then, you will be returned to your reality. You however can have no say in these events, only watch."

"Who are you?"

"Zummi's spell. He cast a complex one, unknown to him. For the next few weeks, one of you will see this same experience, life without them."

Ursa nodded. Then, the voice faded and she was alone.

"Well," Ursa said to herself as she walked along. "I guess let's take a look."

Then, she heard a cry, a familiar one.

"Buddi!"

She leapt up into the branches, swinging toward the source. She found it in her old hut but in Grubbi's room.

"Buddi," the older Barbic was pleading with the child, clutching his arms. "Please. You have to train, you know that."

"Not Gritty! Not Gritty!"

Grubbi sighed. "Buddi, he raised you. It's his prerogative, his right and his duty."

"No! He's mean! I don't wanna!"

The cub tried to run but was interrupted by a fierce voice,

"Buddi Barbic! Out here now!"

Buddi started to tremble and clutched Grubbi, tightly. Ursa was horrified. This cub wasn't her Buddi. This child was terrified, scared and clinging. Grubbi gradually peeled the cub from him and led him outside. Ursa followed, her curiosity and pity growing.

"Buddi! What took you?"

Ursa gasped.

"That's not my best friend. That's not Gritty."

This Barbic looked intimidating, he looked cruel. Buddi slowly spoke,

"S..sorry. I…I.."

"Never mind. Shut up and come on."

Buddi complied but Ursa could see the fear in his eyes. She mouthed to herself,

"How? Why?"

Then, suddenly, she knew…

"When I was little…I was his first friend. He had no faith in himself. I gave him some. But without me…his self-doubt…he's defensive. He sealed off his heart."

She clutched her hands together into tight palms. Following Gritty and Buddi, she saw that he had no compassion, no understanding.

Ursa shook her head, "Gritty that's too hard for a child of Buddi's age. I couldn't do it until I was sixteen."

Gritty made no note. He had no compassion here! He was heartless!

Ursa said softly, to whatever spirit existed with Zummi's spell:

"Why is there still Barbic Woods?"

The spirit answered,

"Without you to lead, gritty took over. He, as you noticed, did not have you to give him faith and caring. He's ruthless. When humans attacked, you all attacked their villages, slaughtering every last one, even babies."

Ursa sank to her knees. "We aren't that cold!"

"Not with you." Was her answer.

Suddenly, she said,

"Then, if Barbic Woods didn't fall, we never met the Glens."

"Correct. That's something else you will see. But first this:"

Ursa watched as Gritty spared with Buddi. He wasn't restraining his strength, as Ursa did. She knew Buddi was no match for her at her full strength so she restrained it until she was even with him. Gritty didn't.

"Stop!" Buddi was crying. Gritty knocked him down and Buddi blocked for all he was worth. "You're going too fast!"

Gritty growled and went faster, "That's something you need to learn, cub. Fights aren't fair!"

Ursa instinctively reached out to Buddi, to try and help. But her hands went through him; she was the wind to them. Buddi started to wail now, tears of pain flying out of his eyes. Ursa felt a prickling at her own eyes. She blinked them away. Buddi finally got to his hands and knees as Gritty stopped his assault.

"I give up, cub. You're impossible."

Buddi fell onto his backside. As Gritty walked away, Buddi buried his face in his arms and he wept until Grubbi came and scooped him up. Ursa kept her hand son his shoulders, even though she knew that he couldn't feel her or hear her. She was babbling now, although he couldn't hear her,

"Baby, baby. I…I wish I were here. I wish…"

Then, Grubbi picked Buddi up and took him away, to tend his wounds.

Then, Ursa watched as the scenery shifted and she was taken to Gummi Glen.

* * *

"Sunni!"

Ursa looked around. She was in the Glen. She saw Grammi run to the yellow furred girl. Sunni looked up, her eyes empty and unhappy.

"What Grammi?"

"Calla wants-"

"Tell her no," the girl interrupted.

"I thought you and Calla were friends."

"We are but Grammi…I need a Gummi friend!"

Ursa remembered…they didn't know the Glens in this time. She remembered that Buddi's best friend was Sunni and Buddi was hers. She looked at the two Gummies, Sunni was weeping and Grammi had put her arm around her shoulder. Ursa watched them with sympathy.

"Grammi…why? Why can't there be other gummies around? Why do I have to be alone?"

The adult Glen seemed uneasy with that question. That was because she honesty had n0o answer. There were no Gummies around that they were aware of. They didn't know the Barbics.

"Grammi? Why?"

'I…I can't answer that, pumpkin."

Sunni wept a minute before saying,

"What did I do? Tell em why I deserve this loneliness!"

Ursa watched, her heart going out to Sunni. She knew what loneliness felt like. When Barbic Woods fell, she'd felt it…for a few minutes. She had cursed herself, wished she could die. Then, that small voice had cut into her consciousness:

"Mama Ursa.'

Her Buddi, her baby and then Gritty had come and then Grubbi. Gradually all the others came and they prevailed together. She could not imagine feeling that terrible pain for every hour of the day. That acidic like feeling in your heart. That feeling like the world is crumbling and you're the only one left standing, only to be sucked down a deep well of darkness that only entered further darkness.

"Grammi…"

Ursa watched the two intently, wishing not for the first time that she could help.

Grammi smiled and then opened her arms. Sunni climbed up into them and snuggled deep down into the older Gummi's arms. Grammi wrapped her arms around her, playing with her hair and swaying with her, humming slightly. Ursa watched, and an alien feeling entered her.

Jealousy.

When Buddi was small, Ursa had told him stories and he'd sit on her lap. Or he'd get afraid and she comfort him, smooth his hair. But she had never done this with him. The two looked so peaceful. Sunni was Buddi's age, twelve to thirteen, and she was still comfortable doing that. Ursa sighed. She didn't know why but seeing them do that, made her long to get home and gather Buddi in her arms the same way.

Sobs pierced the silence but Ursa could not hear them as the scenery flashed and she was back in the woods.

* * *

"No! I'm sorry!"

Ursa looked up and realized that she had been taken directly to the point of conflict.

Gritty glared down at Buddi. The cub sank and trembled terribly. Ursa reached out to him. Her hands once more could not hold him; she couldn't touch her baby. He had tears in his eyes.

"You aren't tough enough, cub!"

Ursa felt a rage rush through her blood. Gritty…this wasn't Gritty. The Gritty she knew would never do this. He got angry, same as her but he never lost it like this…not at a child. But Buddi was beyond terrified.

Gritty growled at the cub and said,

"Survive this and you may be able to become tough."

He swung his fist. Buddi yelped in surprise and pain as it hit his temple. Blood sprayed from the wound. He collapsed and flung his hands over his head, shielding it. But Gritty hit him again, chest, arms, legs, stomach, everywhere. Ursa was horrified and livid with anger. She leapt at this form and like always passed through him, landing on her face.

Then, she turned and saw Buddi take off running saying,

"I can't take it anymore."

She leapt up and ran after him.

He was leaping from branch to branch, to the edge of the forest. Ursa followed, although her skill in the trees wasn't as great and she had grown a bit rusty. But she kept a decent pace and was right behind him for most of the way. Then, seeing her chance to take a shortcut, she swung into the lower branches and landed on her feet on the ground.

They were at the far edge of the forest now, over tough ground and stones.

She looked up and saw Buddi coming to the edge.

In her most terrible nightmares, she'd never imagined this.

He jumped.

Those trees were high! At least a small mountain in height. She saw him fall; her heart was ice cold and frozen with fear. Buddi opened his eyes; saw the ground rushing to greet him. He closed his eyes again. Spread his arms out, like he was doing a belly flop.

Ursa instinctively, with the love of a mother, held her arms out, to catch him. But she'd forgotten again.

She could only watch in this reality.

He passed through her arms and connected with the hard ground.

Her heart shattered.

His life was gone. She knew.

Her baby had committed suicide.

Ursa collapsed, her face in her hands. She pleaded,

"Home, let me go home! Give me my baby back."

* * *

Ursa blinked, trying to shield out the blinding light.

"Grubbi! She's waking up!"

Ursa blinked again and then slowly opened her eyes. Her vision swirled a moment and then cleared. Grubbi and Gritty were looking down at her, genuine concern in their faces. She sat up fast and was rewarded with a pounding headache. She winced and grabbed her head. Gritty pushed her down.

"Whoa, easy Ursa."

Grubbi wrapped a bandage around her forehead.

"You took a spill in the weapons' room, Fearless leader. You got quite the smack on the head."

Ursa said slowly, "I…did?"

Gritty nodded. Ursa groaned. "No, that wasn't it. I saw…"

"Saw what?"

She met eyes with Gritty but her vision was still a bit clouded. "Let me see your eyes Gritty."

The two males exchanged glances but Gritty helped her sit up and locked eyes with his best friend. She smiled.

"The same spell on Buddi…I saw my reality."

The two thought a minute than Grubbi said,

"A reality without you?"

Ursa nodded. Gritty gave her a smile. "Well, how messed up are we?"

Ursa did not laugh. She spoke solemnly,

"Buddi's reserved, quiet, clinging, you're merciless, heartless, Sunni's closed up. Buddi…" she paused. Grubbi put a hand on her shoulder. Ursa swallowed.

"Buddi committed suicide."

Gritty and Grubbi jerked involuntarily. Ursa continued,

"Where is Buddi? What time is it?"

"Asleep," it was Gritty. "Almost eleven."

Ursa slipped her feet off the bed where she'd been resting and got to her feet. Grubbi almost stopped her but Gritty grabbed his hand.

"No. She needs to go to Buddi. I know her."

Grubbi watched her go, said nothing but nodded.

Ursa ran down the hall, her heart a mass of emotions. Not only of what she'd seen but now how she felt about earlier. She opened Buddi's door and Buddi blinked as the light filtered onto his face. Sitting up rubbing his eyes, he asked, stunned a bit by the intrusion,

"Ursa?"

She walked over to him after closing the door and turned his light on.

"Buddi?"

"Yeah?"

"I…I…I saw the same experience you did."

"Me?" the cub thought and then said, "Life without you?"

She nodded. Buddi smiled at her. "What's it like?"

Ursa shuddered involuntarily.

"Well, Gritty's leader and he raised you." She saw Buddi wince a bit.

"He's ruthless though. I helped him overcome self-doubt and learn caring. But without me, he…"

Buddi was wide-awake now.

"And?" he pressed.

" He puts you through training I could not have gone through. You're detached from the rest of us. And…he hits you."

Buddi froze. Ursa gave him a delicate smile. She told him everything, ending with him committing suicide. Buddi seemed a bit disturbed. Ursa said,

"Buddi?"

"Yeah?"

"Earlier today…in training, well, I'm sorry Buddi."

Buddi whirled. Ursa apologizing? He looked at her and said,

"Who are you and what have you done with Ursa?"

Ursa chuckled. "I mean it Buddi. I was tense but I had no right to take that out on you."

Buddi shrugged, with a small grin. "It's okay, but…thanks. That did hurt you know?"

She nodded and looked outside. "I know."

She started to think. Suddenly, she remembered. The jealously she'd felt when she saw Sunni and Grammi. She looked at her cub. Her heart still ached; she needed him to be with her. He was the world to her. She suddenly laughed to herself.

She finally understood his eyes!

They had been pleading, begging, 'Understand me.'

She always had but never said it. She spoke now,

"Buddi…I know that you hate training but I have a request."

"Fire away."

"Next time, I'm too harsh or misunderstanding. I want you to tell me."

Buddi stared at her. But nodded. She went on,

"I can't guarantee that I'll always listen but I'll try."

Buddi nodded again. Ursa watched him, his young eyes, so innocent.

She could not bear the thought that she'd never see those eyes again, as it would have been in that reality. She made her decision.

"Buddi?"

He looked to her. She had sat on his bed. Now, she turned to him and opened her arms. He was stunned. She smiled gently and gestured with her hands. Buddi slowly crawled over and into her arms.

Ursa pulled Buddi to her, her arms falling around him, rubbing his hair.

Buddi fought tears. Did she realize how long he'd waited for her to do this? Did she know how often he'd spent praying for her to let him into her arms? It was a childish wish. But something he'd longed for. And now, that he had it, tears slid down his cheeks and he nuzzled into her chest.

Ursa closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Buddi's scent filled her and she felt his little hands hugging her. She knew now. Oh, by Gum, why did she let her pride get in the way? Why had she not done this before? Why? She could feel the emotion. Not an emotional person for the most part, this love she felt made her happy, tears fill her eyes. Considered a weak position, she had teased the Glens silently before. But now as she did it herself, she knew why they did it.

You could feel love.

Her baby was close to her, and she felt relieved. He was alive, he was hers.

Her baby, her Buddi.

Ursa slid her fingers through his hair and glanced outside, at the stars. She had needed to see that, to appreciate her baby truly. She had never realized how much he meant to her…until that moment she'd heard his body hit the ground.

Her heart had shattered.

She had not known how much he meant until she had lost him.

Softly, in a cracked voice, with tears nearly leaving her eyes, she hugged Buddi tightly. Life was dark at times and had many obstacles. In fact, all those times she'd nearly given up Buddi was there to help her, even if she didn't want it. He was her cub, her baby.

Her light in the darkness.

Realizing what he meant, Ursa did something she'd never done before.

She kissed him.