Glory Fades
A/N: Based loosely on the song 'Sic Transit Gloria… Glory Fades' by Brand New. It's not as tight and in order as all the songs from This Brilliant Dance and I Need You So Much Closer are. It's just kind of like, random lyrics from the song here and there. All done in one POV. Hopefully you love it. I downloaded the episode 'Should I Stay or Should I Go' to get all the dialogue right. Yes, I did work. Therefore, you must do work and review.
Disclaimer: 'Sic Transit Gloria… Glory Fades'
"We haven't even had sex yet, and you're going around bragging!" Ash's words pierced through my ears like bullets. She had that look on her face that told me no matter how hard I tried; I would not be sweet talking my way back into her good graces anytime soon. "I can't believe you conned me into thinking I wanted to have sex with you!"
Wait a second? "Conned?"
"With that stupid lie of a song." Ouch.
"That wasn't a lie!"
"Wrong. You don't know how to say it, Craig, because you don't really love me."
I almost double over from the pain that her words caused. I reach out to her, but she turns on her heel and walks away. As her figure gets stolen by the darkness that surrounds us, I silently whisper to her, "I love you."
"Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for.
So much more than he could ever give,
A life full of lies and meaningful relationships.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides,
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside."
I finally think I may be in love, so I have a little trouble saying it. I've had a hellish year, aren't I allowed to have time to think about telling her that I love her? I can't say anything. She won't listen.
I went back in through the back door. I didn't want to stop to talk to anyone, but I wanted someone to see the damage I had done. I wanted a friend, someone who could understand. I wanted someone to listen to me for once and tell me that I'm not a sleaze or a con artist or whatever insult name of the day Ashley can think of. Everyone stares at me, knowing something is wrong, but they're all too caught up in their world of parties and sex to think about the poor kid who just got his heart, filled to the fucking brim with emotion, trampled on by the only person he felt safe with.
"Upon arrival the guests had all stared,
Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch.
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships."
"Craig, wait," I hear as I make my way farther from the lie that is my life. The voice registers in my head as Manny Santos, so I don't even think to turn around. She can't be the friend I need.
"Not now, Manny," I warn. She doesn't seem to heed my warning, which is a good thing, I imagine. Someone who sees past my bullshit and understands that what I really need to do is vent. Hardcore.
Eventually, she gets me a little calmed down with just a few words (I'm not sure how, but I just want to be calm around her, I don't want to scare her). "You know that song you sang today?"
Of course, it's a fraud. A lie. The reason Ashley now hates me, and I still don't understand why. I told her what she wanted to hear. "You heard that?"
"It was amazing." And all of the sudden, Manny Santos is looking pretty good for company right now. I hadn't noticed the sorrow in her haunting brown eyes until she spoke of her own longing for companionship. This girl that I had passed off as a fad was now looking to me to save her. She has promises of saving me, too.
Her shirt was classy in a sexual kind of way. It made me want to grab her from behind and push her body against my own. All I want to do is touch her in some way, any way, to see if she was real. She was offering everything I couldn't have, but somehow, she made me believe I needed it. I don't remember asking her in, but I remember knowing since the moment she stopped me that I needed her with me in some way.
She looked around my room like a little kid lost in a candy store. "This is super cool; it's like a video or something."
"It's not bad," I respond. Her voice reminds me for a brief second of my little sister again, and I want her to just stop talking. I just need her to be with me, to think with me, but not to talk. She can't talk. Every time she opens her mouth, I just want to cover it with my own. I try to force the longing to the back of my mind, but I can't.
She asks me to play her the song, and I realize that she'll just shut up if I do that. So, I pick up my guitar and start to strum melodically. She sits next to me, and for a brief second, her hand touches my thigh. I look up at her, but she must miss the longing in my eyes, because she takes her hand away.
She doesn't let me finish the song, instead talking about Ashley and love, and I can't help but internally screaming at her. She takes the guitar out of my hands and rests it on the ground. I know what's about to happen, but I don't want it to.
My first time is supposed to be with Ashley. But Ash doesn't understand. Manny's here, and the way she looks at me… She understands me. She needs me to be in her. She needs the kind of love that only I can give her.
That's when she kisses me.
"He keeps his hands low,
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe, and his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns, and he thinks of throwing up,
But the body on the bed beckons forward, and he starts growing up."
I move my head from her. I can't do this. I can't do this to her or to myself. She's just lonely. She doesn't need me, not the way I need someone. She'll understand later that it's only for the best.
"It's okay," she says. I look up at her. No. She needs me. She needs me here, like this. This is what Manny Santos is lacking for. The love that only I can give her. She wouldn't dress like that if she didn't need me, like this.
She kisses me again, and this time, I push my body on top of hers vertically. Thoughts run through my head at the speed of light. Sometimes, I sincerely hate kissing because there is never a right time to talk. You can only mumble a few things here or there, but that's not all I'm about. I open my mouth to speak, and a tongue invades it, stopping all words from coming out.
"The fever, the focus,
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell."
I push my body up again. "Manny, no," I whisper into her hair. Tears threaten to overflow. Manning, get a hold of yourself. This is exactly what you need. She runs her hand through her hair. "Never mind," I whisper again, this time to her face. "This is right."
"I can do this," she says climbing off of me. "This will be the best feeling of your life."
I can't help but wonder if she's a virgin. I would imagine not, I thought she was dating Sully. His catch phrase is "a man's got needs." Sully's a jackass.
She walks over to the lamp that I had just turned on seconds before and flicks it off. "Do you need anything?" she asks.
I'm in such a daze that I just say no to appease her. I don't know what she means. I can't tell. My breathing becomes irregular as I realize what's about to happen. Spinner doesn't understand. He's never even done it with Paige. No one knows how this happens. I can't help but hyperventilate.
She stands over me, and I notice her breathing is very regular. I envy her calm. She's always so calm with me. I want to be calm. Doing this will make me calm. I want to feel peace. She places her lips over mine, and my breathing slows considerably.
"She hits the lights,
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth,
He is gasping for air."
"This is the first and last time," I say. She climbs on top of me, her lips pursed into a smile. She runs her hands over my chest, and I begin to feel violated. I don't say anything. Guys don't get violated. This is all I wanted with Ashley, so if I can just pretend that Manny is Ashley, then it will all be okay.
She pulls open my shirt but doesn't take it off. She slowly slides my pants down to my ankles and shimmies them off. I reach to her shirt. She raises her arms so I can pull it off her. My hands make their way to her bra clasp, but it's so damn hard. My fingers are trembling, and I end up poking her more than once. "Let me," she whispers, and in a few seconds, the majesty of the female chest is at my disposal.
I don't dwell on her chest, however, since the burning in my boxers won't allow for it. I unbutton her jeans, and, with her help, they're discarded to the waste of my floor. My boxers, luckily clean, are also shimmied off so now the only article of clothing on either of us is my shirt. She fingers my collar and then decides taking my shirt off is more trouble than it's worth.
She pushes onto me, and suddenly, pain envelopes my whole body. So this is sex, eh? It's… not what I thought.
"This is the first and last time, he says.
She fakes a smile, and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like."
My hands roam her body. I've never been able to do this before, and it makes me feel free. I don't realize I'm making noise until she starts to say something. "Craig, shut up, Joey might hear." I'm not sure if Joey is even here, but I obey her and shut my mouth.
She looks beautiful, and I want her to stop what she's doing and just be with me. I'm getting cold, and I want nothing more than to wrap her in my shirt.
But she won't stop.
"Keep the noise low, She doesn't want to blow it.
Shaking head to toe while your left hand does the show me around.
Quickens your heartbeat, It beats me straight into the ground.
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast, and all he wanted was to hold her."
She suddenly grips my sides and lets out a few soft moans. I imagine this is it for her. I've been holding out for awhile, so I let go, too. It feels good. Really good.
She rolls over onto her back. I don't know what to do, if I should thank her, or whatever. It was an experience. She lets me cuddle up next to her, and I slowly drift to sleep.
"Craig," she says shaking me. "Craig, it's late. I have curfew."
"Curfew?" I ask. Why is Manny Santos in my bed? And why are we naked?
"Yea, it's 2. I need to leave."
"Goodbye, Manny. Thank you."
"Up the stairs, the station where,
the act becomes the art of growing up."
She gets up in the pitch dark and walks to where I threw her clothes. I hear the rustling of clothes, and I shut my eyes again. I lie so still so that I may die here. I hear her zipper herself up, and I'm silently grateful. I don't know why I let here come here and do this to me.
All I want right now is to forget this ever happened. She leans over me, her lips resting on mine. I clench my eyes closed; I need her to get away. I suddenly feel claustrophobic with her like this. She tries to pry my lips open with her tongue, but I won't let her.
She gives up and leaves my mouth alone. "Good night baby," she whispers in my ear. I cringe. She thinks she has dibs on me now. I have a lot to explain on Monday. I hear my door open and close, and I pull the sheets up to my chin.
"This is so messed up," I whisper to the night air.
"You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed - completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper,
This is so messed up."
I wake up to my phone ringing, again. I grab it and throw it against the wall. Get out of my life, Manny. I finally drag myself out of bed. I'm lacking in pants, so I grab some and throw them on. Remembering about the night before, I search my room frantically for a condom or wrapper. I can't find either, so I'm hoping I threw them both out last night.
The walk to school is always my time to think. However, when I have more thoughts than my brain knows what to do with, sometimes, I just want to quiet all my thoughts. It's never that easy, though, right?
I walk past Manny and Emma, and I pray fervently that she won't come talk to me. I can't face her yet. She does, and I begin to explain what I was thinking. It's so hard, looking at my only friend in the world and asking her to forget about the most intimate moment we'll ever share.
Ashley comes up and asks Manny permission to talk to me. Manny sulks away, and Ashley pulls me farther away. "You want me back?" I ask incredulously.
"More than anything," she says wrapping her arms around me. All I can do is stare at Manny. She looks so heartbroken. "I love you."
I feel the urge to hurt Manny, and I don't even know why. "I love you, too," I tell Ash. Manny looks like she's about to cry. If I could, I would physically remove her heart from her chest and have a stampede on it. I want to do to her emotions what she did to me last night.
"The tickle, the taste of.
It used to be the reason I breathe,
but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself."
A/N: Based loosely on the song 'Sic Transit Gloria… Glory Fades' by Brand New. It's not as tight and in order as all the songs from This Brilliant Dance and I Need You So Much Closer are. It's just kind of like, random lyrics from the song here and there. All done in one POV. Hopefully you love it. I downloaded the episode 'Should I Stay or Should I Go' to get all the dialogue right. Yes, I did work. Therefore, you must do work and review.
Disclaimer: 'Sic Transit Gloria… Glory Fades'
"We haven't even had sex yet, and you're going around bragging!" Ash's words pierced through my ears like bullets. She had that look on her face that told me no matter how hard I tried; I would not be sweet talking my way back into her good graces anytime soon. "I can't believe you conned me into thinking I wanted to have sex with you!"
Wait a second? "Conned?"
"With that stupid lie of a song." Ouch.
"That wasn't a lie!"
"Wrong. You don't know how to say it, Craig, because you don't really love me."
I almost double over from the pain that her words caused. I reach out to her, but she turns on her heel and walks away. As her figure gets stolen by the darkness that surrounds us, I silently whisper to her, "I love you."
"Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for.
So much more than he could ever give,
A life full of lies and meaningful relationships.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides,
He waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside."
I finally think I may be in love, so I have a little trouble saying it. I've had a hellish year, aren't I allowed to have time to think about telling her that I love her? I can't say anything. She won't listen.
I went back in through the back door. I didn't want to stop to talk to anyone, but I wanted someone to see the damage I had done. I wanted a friend, someone who could understand. I wanted someone to listen to me for once and tell me that I'm not a sleaze or a con artist or whatever insult name of the day Ashley can think of. Everyone stares at me, knowing something is wrong, but they're all too caught up in their world of parties and sex to think about the poor kid who just got his heart, filled to the fucking brim with emotion, trampled on by the only person he felt safe with.
"Upon arrival the guests had all stared,
Dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch.
Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships."
"Craig, wait," I hear as I make my way farther from the lie that is my life. The voice registers in my head as Manny Santos, so I don't even think to turn around. She can't be the friend I need.
"Not now, Manny," I warn. She doesn't seem to heed my warning, which is a good thing, I imagine. Someone who sees past my bullshit and understands that what I really need to do is vent. Hardcore.
Eventually, she gets me a little calmed down with just a few words (I'm not sure how, but I just want to be calm around her, I don't want to scare her). "You know that song you sang today?"
Of course, it's a fraud. A lie. The reason Ashley now hates me, and I still don't understand why. I told her what she wanted to hear. "You heard that?"
"It was amazing." And all of the sudden, Manny Santos is looking pretty good for company right now. I hadn't noticed the sorrow in her haunting brown eyes until she spoke of her own longing for companionship. This girl that I had passed off as a fad was now looking to me to save her. She has promises of saving me, too.
Her shirt was classy in a sexual kind of way. It made me want to grab her from behind and push her body against my own. All I want to do is touch her in some way, any way, to see if she was real. She was offering everything I couldn't have, but somehow, she made me believe I needed it. I don't remember asking her in, but I remember knowing since the moment she stopped me that I needed her with me in some way.
She looked around my room like a little kid lost in a candy store. "This is super cool; it's like a video or something."
"It's not bad," I respond. Her voice reminds me for a brief second of my little sister again, and I want her to just stop talking. I just need her to be with me, to think with me, but not to talk. She can't talk. Every time she opens her mouth, I just want to cover it with my own. I try to force the longing to the back of my mind, but I can't.
She asks me to play her the song, and I realize that she'll just shut up if I do that. So, I pick up my guitar and start to strum melodically. She sits next to me, and for a brief second, her hand touches my thigh. I look up at her, but she must miss the longing in my eyes, because she takes her hand away.
She doesn't let me finish the song, instead talking about Ashley and love, and I can't help but internally screaming at her. She takes the guitar out of my hands and rests it on the ground. I know what's about to happen, but I don't want it to.
My first time is supposed to be with Ashley. But Ash doesn't understand. Manny's here, and the way she looks at me… She understands me. She needs me to be in her. She needs the kind of love that only I can give her.
That's when she kisses me.
"He keeps his hands low,
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe, and his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns, and he thinks of throwing up,
But the body on the bed beckons forward, and he starts growing up."
I move my head from her. I can't do this. I can't do this to her or to myself. She's just lonely. She doesn't need me, not the way I need someone. She'll understand later that it's only for the best.
"It's okay," she says. I look up at her. No. She needs me. She needs me here, like this. This is what Manny Santos is lacking for. The love that only I can give her. She wouldn't dress like that if she didn't need me, like this.
She kisses me again, and this time, I push my body on top of hers vertically. Thoughts run through my head at the speed of light. Sometimes, I sincerely hate kissing because there is never a right time to talk. You can only mumble a few things here or there, but that's not all I'm about. I open my mouth to speak, and a tongue invades it, stopping all words from coming out.
"The fever, the focus,
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell."
I push my body up again. "Manny, no," I whisper into her hair. Tears threaten to overflow. Manning, get a hold of yourself. This is exactly what you need. She runs her hand through her hair. "Never mind," I whisper again, this time to her face. "This is right."
"I can do this," she says climbing off of me. "This will be the best feeling of your life."
I can't help but wonder if she's a virgin. I would imagine not, I thought she was dating Sully. His catch phrase is "a man's got needs." Sully's a jackass.
She walks over to the lamp that I had just turned on seconds before and flicks it off. "Do you need anything?" she asks.
I'm in such a daze that I just say no to appease her. I don't know what she means. I can't tell. My breathing becomes irregular as I realize what's about to happen. Spinner doesn't understand. He's never even done it with Paige. No one knows how this happens. I can't help but hyperventilate.
She stands over me, and I notice her breathing is very regular. I envy her calm. She's always so calm with me. I want to be calm. Doing this will make me calm. I want to feel peace. She places her lips over mine, and my breathing slows considerably.
"She hits the lights,
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth,
He is gasping for air."
"This is the first and last time," I say. She climbs on top of me, her lips pursed into a smile. She runs her hands over my chest, and I begin to feel violated. I don't say anything. Guys don't get violated. This is all I wanted with Ashley, so if I can just pretend that Manny is Ashley, then it will all be okay.
She pulls open my shirt but doesn't take it off. She slowly slides my pants down to my ankles and shimmies them off. I reach to her shirt. She raises her arms so I can pull it off her. My hands make their way to her bra clasp, but it's so damn hard. My fingers are trembling, and I end up poking her more than once. "Let me," she whispers, and in a few seconds, the majesty of the female chest is at my disposal.
I don't dwell on her chest, however, since the burning in my boxers won't allow for it. I unbutton her jeans, and, with her help, they're discarded to the waste of my floor. My boxers, luckily clean, are also shimmied off so now the only article of clothing on either of us is my shirt. She fingers my collar and then decides taking my shirt off is more trouble than it's worth.
She pushes onto me, and suddenly, pain envelopes my whole body. So this is sex, eh? It's… not what I thought.
"This is the first and last time, he says.
She fakes a smile, and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like."
My hands roam her body. I've never been able to do this before, and it makes me feel free. I don't realize I'm making noise until she starts to say something. "Craig, shut up, Joey might hear." I'm not sure if Joey is even here, but I obey her and shut my mouth.
She looks beautiful, and I want her to stop what she's doing and just be with me. I'm getting cold, and I want nothing more than to wrap her in my shirt.
But she won't stop.
"Keep the noise low, She doesn't want to blow it.
Shaking head to toe while your left hand does the show me around.
Quickens your heartbeat, It beats me straight into the ground.
He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast, and all he wanted was to hold her."
She suddenly grips my sides and lets out a few soft moans. I imagine this is it for her. I've been holding out for awhile, so I let go, too. It feels good. Really good.
She rolls over onto her back. I don't know what to do, if I should thank her, or whatever. It was an experience. She lets me cuddle up next to her, and I slowly drift to sleep.
"Craig," she says shaking me. "Craig, it's late. I have curfew."
"Curfew?" I ask. Why is Manny Santos in my bed? And why are we naked?
"Yea, it's 2. I need to leave."
"Goodbye, Manny. Thank you."
"Up the stairs, the station where,
the act becomes the art of growing up."
She gets up in the pitch dark and walks to where I threw her clothes. I hear the rustling of clothes, and I shut my eyes again. I lie so still so that I may die here. I hear her zipper herself up, and I'm silently grateful. I don't know why I let here come here and do this to me.
All I want right now is to forget this ever happened. She leans over me, her lips resting on mine. I clench my eyes closed; I need her to get away. I suddenly feel claustrophobic with her like this. She tries to pry my lips open with her tongue, but I won't let her.
She gives up and leaves my mouth alone. "Good night baby," she whispers in my ear. I cringe. She thinks she has dibs on me now. I have a lot to explain on Monday. I hear my door open and close, and I pull the sheets up to my chin.
"This is so messed up," I whisper to the night air.
"You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed - completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets barely whisper,
This is so messed up."
I wake up to my phone ringing, again. I grab it and throw it against the wall. Get out of my life, Manny. I finally drag myself out of bed. I'm lacking in pants, so I grab some and throw them on. Remembering about the night before, I search my room frantically for a condom or wrapper. I can't find either, so I'm hoping I threw them both out last night.
The walk to school is always my time to think. However, when I have more thoughts than my brain knows what to do with, sometimes, I just want to quiet all my thoughts. It's never that easy, though, right?
I walk past Manny and Emma, and I pray fervently that she won't come talk to me. I can't face her yet. She does, and I begin to explain what I was thinking. It's so hard, looking at my only friend in the world and asking her to forget about the most intimate moment we'll ever share.
Ashley comes up and asks Manny permission to talk to me. Manny sulks away, and Ashley pulls me farther away. "You want me back?" I ask incredulously.
"More than anything," she says wrapping her arms around me. All I can do is stare at Manny. She looks so heartbroken. "I love you."
I feel the urge to hurt Manny, and I don't even know why. "I love you, too," I tell Ash. Manny looks like she's about to cry. If I could, I would physically remove her heart from her chest and have a stampede on it. I want to do to her emotions what she did to me last night.
"The tickle, the taste of.
It used to be the reason I breathe,
but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself."