I've written this letter countless times in my mind, so
often, in fact, that I cannot even recall all the the things
I've said to you. And now, as I truly put it down on paper, the
thought of how you wil react to these words frightens me so much
that I make mistakes, that my heard is constantly racing. I
don't know what to do, how to tell you all the things that are
in my head. And the fact that I will never tell you these
things in person hurts more than I can say.
But I feel that you must hear them, or at least read
them, so that you can know how I felt at the end. They won't
let me have guests here, so even if you were around, I could not
see you. They feel that it is better if I not become too
excited, as it could "have a detrimental effect" on me. I can
only thank the High Ones that you have spared Raven this
horror. And, in a way, you have spared yourself, I know. I
don't doubt that you could hand what I'm going through, but I
would never want you to see what I have become. I don't think I
could bear it if your love turned to pity.
I've never one felt, Rayek, that you abandoned me. I
know that only the danger our daughter was in could ever force
you from my sice, and so I've never feared facing you again,
except for the fear of what you would feel. Not for me, but for
yourself. My beloved, you try to carry the weight of the world
on your shoulders and one day it will kill you. Ekuar and I
both know that, deep in our hearts. Why do you think we stay so
close to you? We love you too much to let you shoulder such a
burden alone.
But that is not what I'm trying to say to you. I
suppose that the reason the words have always been so hard for
me to say is because I'm afraid that they will mean less to you
than they do to me. I should know better, but the fear never
really lessens. Even now, staring at the papter and knowing
that this will be the last time I ever get the opportunity to
tell you, the fear is there.
I love you. Such simple words, especially in the face
ot everything we've faced in our lives, and yet the words that
frighten me more than anything ever did, Madcoil included. And
I can not, for the life of me, explain it. I wonder, my love,
if you could ever truly understand my fear of the words, of the
sentiment behind them. Perhaps now you will, though I hope
not. I would not wish this pain on you.
I remember the first time we met. Such a stunning
gaze... If I had known then what I know now, if I had known how
very much our lives would intertwine, I would never have mocked
you so. And know that even then, my mockery was a mask for the
love I felt, love I could even understand, let alone face. I
only began to accept it when you left the Sun Village, the day
you saved me from the snake.
I suppose I should have known, right then, when that
day, ended, that we were made for each other. And part of me
did. I just couldn't admit it then. But now, I can. Now that
the last seven years have meant a life without you, now that I
know I'm in my final days, and I will never know if you are out
there waiting for the chance to see me. Now that I know I will
die without ever having the opportunity to see your face again.
You have always been beautiful to me. I hope you
realise that somewhere within you. And I'm sure you do. We have
always been one, in soul as well as heart, and you have always
known what I could not say. That alone makes this worthwhile,
though I would wish it away.
Take care of Raven, my love. I feel within me that you
will, that you would never let anything harm her. But the
feeling is tempered with the fear that you will turn from her
when you know what the trip to save her cost you. Don't ever
let that happen. You are as important to her as you are to me.
Let Ekuar help you through this time. He will know the
words to say that I do not. And when everything is over, and
the pain has faded to a dull ache, we will find each other
again. I promise you that.
Forever yours,
Ebony