A/N: Well, as you guys know, this is "Visser Three's Diary". It is by far my most successful fan fiction on this website. Now that it's finally completed after two years of work, I've decided to re-edit some chapters that needed it (thought-speak malfunctions, grammar, and other errors), including this one.
By the way, now that the fic is done, if anyone would like to translate this storyin their own language, please contact me and we can make some arrangements. :)
So, now that's said... I hope you enjoy "Visser Three's Diary":D
Visser Three's Diary
by Sinister Shadow
14+
1. Stupid, STUPID Iniss...
June 29th
Entry one...
Dear Diary,
Whee! What a day it has been, creatures. What a day! Why has it been such a GREAT DAY, you ask! Because today was MY BIRTHDAY! Why, I feel like humming "Happy Birthday". Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da, dear Visser! ...
... Okay, you are correct in saying that I am "odd" or "bizarre" or even "moronic", or even a "freaking witch", because those are all human words that make no sense. Like me!
Yes, I have eaten oatmeal this morning. Instant Maple and Ginger, in fact. Once you get started, you just can't kick the habit, you know?
Anyhow, for my birthday I received...
A cake (DUH!). Which Iniss (my dumb assistant) baked.
This diary in which I am currently writing! That came in the mail from my dear, DEAR... Yeerk who is pretending to be my grandmother... Well, she always gives me stuff, so I don't see the difference between her and a real grandmother.
A Bug Fighter making kit! From the Emperor. Also in that package was a note saying: " Esplin, you desperately NEED to learn to make Bug Fighters better than you already do."
And, finally... I received... Quite an unforgettable gift... It was an oatmeal pie. As I said, oatmeal is soooooooooooooooo good! It makes you so... loopy! It's actually kind of addictive… Wheeeeee... AHEM! Anyway, when I tried to eat my pie, this BOMB went off and the pie went everywhere (including in my face!)! In the dish there was a note: " Have a nice day, Esplin (You know I'm being sarcastic, you big doaf)! From your old friend (see previous parenthesis), Visser One."
God I hate her. I really do! And if you don't believe me, schedule a freaking appointment so I can personally fricking KILL you!
Oh, wait! I forgot a gift... It was a rotten steak from the Andalite bandits... I wonder why they bothered sending me this? They know I'll eat anything. They wouldn't want me getting fat, would they? All tough and muscular...
" All tough and muscular my --"
I spun around. It was her again... Gah! When will I ever catch a break! I wonder if those "Kit Kat" bars really work...
( What are YOU doing here! ) I demanded. ( Were you reading my diary? )
" Why not?" Visser One replied, " The Gold Bands were driving me up the freakin' wall!"
So she WAS reading it...
Visser One. My stupid, annoying, God-forbid-she-should-keep-her-nose-in-her-own-business, REALLY dapsenish, half-human, idiotic arch-rival (and arch-enemy).
I despise her.
I HATE her!
WITH A PASSION!
Visser One is the kind of Yeerk who can drive you UP AND DOWN the wall over and over and over again...
Okay, fine. If she died, nine-hundred and twenty point five Yeerk Coins say that I'd miss fighting with her...
BUT THAT DOESN'T LEAVE THIS DIARY!
Oh yeah, and "Why 920.5?", you ask? Because that's all I currently possess.
Still, Visser One is hands-down the universe's hugest dapsen. I have no clue why she exists. I swear, sometimes I think she was BORN for the sole purpose of irritating me. She has absolutely no life and everyone besides her knows it, too.
Unfortunately for me, Visser One is also Miss Yeerk Home World, seven times running. Well… not really, but she could be. If we Yeerks had those stupid beauty pageant thingies. In any case, we are talking seriously attractive Yeerk. Of course, I don't see her in that way at all, because I hate her guts. No matter how many males obsess over her daily and sleep with posters of her under their pillow, hoping the "tooth fairy" will stop by and give them the real thing, to me, she is and will always be a supernaturally butt ugly THING who is impesting my space.
Anyway.
Before I could fulfill my greatest desire and decapitate Visser One, my almost equally annoying personal assistant, Iniss Two-Two-Six, barged into the room. He was holding a trumpet in his left hand and blew into it so hard that a deafening (and horribly off-key) sound came out.
" HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Visser!" he yelled in a crazy voice.
" Did you eat too many cornflakes?" Visser One asked.
" NO!"
" Oatmeal, then?"
" UH-UH."
" How about chocolate?"
" Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesss..." Iniss started drooling.
That STUPID idiot! Why eat chocolate! He'd get addicted!
" Good MORNIIIIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Iniss started singing in a retardedly diabolical way.
Visser One plugged her ears.
" Oh SHUT THE HELL UP, you dapsen!" she screamed.
( Oh by the way, Iniss... ) I said. ( It's the evening. )
" Gaaasp… Good EEEEEEEEVENIIIIIIIING... Visser THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
" Argh," said Visser One, rolling her eyes.
I had to seriously MAKE AN EFFORT not to strangle them both. And that... Is a very, VERY hard thing for me to do!
But I swear, I tried! Real hard!
It became even harder not to decapitate Iniss once he started SINGING this freakin' DAPSEN of a human song:
" If you're HAPPY and you know it clap your HANDS! HEY!"
No one clapped, of course. No one except Iniss.
- CLAP CLAP!
" If you're HAPPY and you know it STOMP YOUR FEET!"
I glared. If you want to sing that song, sing it MY WAY at least!
" ... OR HOOVES!" Iniss practically screamed.
- STOMP STOMP!
" Oye!" yelled Visser One, smacking herself on the forehead. " Make it stop!"
And for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I actually agreed with her. Stop the freaking press.
" IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SWING YOUR--"
- SMACK!
Visser One grabbed a metal pole and started whacking Iniss repeatedly. I am telling you. This female seriously needs anger management...
Although I... probably would have done the same. And besides, it worked!
Iniss ran screaming from the room. Visser One followed.
( One... ) I started, with an extremely annoyed look on my Andalite face, ( Two... Three. )
- TSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
" Ha HAH!" Visser One yelled in triumph.
" Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." Iniss moaned in pain, " Oumph!"
( Knew it. ) I said to no one.
No really, I did.
Okay, I've got to go revive my assistant. Got my camera... My handcuffs... And my hope that Visser One knows human CPR.
Because I'm sure not doing that!
Until my return,
Esplin 9466.