Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not ours.
Well, this all started as an LJ discussion that no one accepts blame for- as usual.
In all honesty, I don't know how great a job these guys would really do, but it was fun to think about.
WARNINGS: Language!!!
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Duo pulled the headphones on over his ears and leaned towards the mike. He gave his partner a wink across the table as they waited for the fade out. Heero looked towards the booth and saw Bruce give them the thumbs up.
Duo quickly launched into the opening.
"Good evening Sank Kingdom! It's that time again! Is your spouse ignoring you? Are you fighting all the time? Or have you just lost that special something that brought you together in the first place? Whatever it is, we are here to help you solve it! That's right... Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy are at your service. 01 and 02 have the answer for you!"
"We'd like to remind you that we are not professional counselors," Heero leaned towards his mike. "We just have experience working out the kinks in our own rocky relationship."
"And we do have some kinks!" Duo laughed suggestively. "So, go ahead, Sank, we're listening!"
Heero hit the first lit up button.
"Um... hello," the male caller's voice was soft and hesitant. Not to mention familiar. "I've never done this before..." Duo and Heero's eyes met and Duo nodded.
"Your first time, hmm? We'll be gentle. What's your problem?" Duo asked cheerfully.
"It's my spouse." The caller took an audible breath. "He runs a large company and is really busy all the time. We never really talk anymore. He leaves early for work and doesn't get home until late."
"Do you work?" Heero questioned.
"Oh yes! But my job is not as- demanding as his."
"Do you spend any quality time together?" Duo's turn.
"Not really. He pretty much comes home, we have sex and go to bed."
"Have sex? Its not making love for you anymore, is it?" Duo's voice dropped to a compassionate tone. "Have you talked to him about it?" There was a brief silence.
"I'm... well, I'm worried he'll just ignore it... He's so busy all the time..."
"Leave him." Heero's voice was flat. "He's not meeting your emotional needs and if you're worried that he'll ignore you, then he must have done it before. Find someone else."
"Find someone else?" The caller repeated.
"Why not? Someone else might be able to meet your needs better. Think about the other people in your life. Maybe you've already met that someone else."
"Well... I..."
"Heero!" Duo scolded, raising his eyebrow at his partner. "Let's not jump the gun here. He hasn't even tried talking to his spouse yet." Duo made a throat slicing motion with his hand. Heero gave him an evil grin back and tapped his watch.
They both knew what time a certain blonde CEO headed home and they knew what show he listened to in his car.
"But if he can't talk to his spouse then this relationship is doomed. He should find someone that can share more time with him, that he trusts enough to talk to."
"You learned to talk to me. Maybe that's the problem here. Caller, have you ever tried talking to your spouse about things that bothered you?"
"Only once before, really." Duo made a 'BOOM' gesture at Heero who rolled his eyes.
"Did he listen to you then?" Heero asked.
"Kind of. I know he was really sorry afterwards that he hurt me."
"Kind of?" Heero repeated sardonically. Duo was shaking his head.
Bruce was waving at them in the booth mouthing- 'caller's spouse on line two'.
Heero leaned back towards the microphone. "Caller, we have someone claiming to be your spouse on line 2." He hit the button. "Caller fou.. uh, two, you're on the air." Duo rolled his eyes with a 'that was subtle' expression.
"I'm on my way home." This caller's voice was firm. "When I get there you and I are going to talk, okay?"
"All right, caller two- taking the lead!" Duo cheered. "So, caller one- is there anything you'd like to say to your spouse while Heero and I are here to referee?"
"Uh...no. Thanks."
"You're welcome." Duo said, grinning. "Caller two, you'll make sure that you listen to your spouse, okay?"
"Don't forget that he needs you to spend some time with him," Heero added.
"I will," Caller two's voice hardened. "And Heero- I won't forget what you suggested either. You and I are going to have a talk of our own- soon."
Duo laughed silently. Heero raised his eyebrows.
"I'm always more than happy to communicate with my fans," Heero deadpanned and Duo nearly choked. "Next caller." He hit the hang up button and opened the line for the next caller. "You're on the air. How can we help you?"
"Well," said a familiar female voice. "My husband is very selfish in bed and totally ignores my needs."
There was a faint shout of "WOMAN!" in the background.
Duo turned bright red and slapped a hand over his mouth. Heero covered his face with his hands.
It was going to be a long night.
"Okay," Heero recovered faster than Duo. "Has he always been like this?"
"Nearly always," the woman confirmed. "Ever since we started formally dating."
"Then why the heck are you still with him?" Duo asked. "Is he attentive and caring in other areas?"
"No." There was the sound of a struggle in the background, as if the phone was being wrestled over.
"No?" Heero repeated. "Well then you definitely need to find someone else."
"Heero, that's been your answer to everyone tonight!" Duo complained. "Are you just in a breakup mood?"
"Duo, if this guy thinks that foreplay is something you do on a golf course, then she's better off without him."
There was an angry snort over the line and the sounds of struggle increased.
"Huh, well there's something we haven't tried." Duo raised an eyebrow suggestively at Heero who mouthed the words 'you're insatiable!' at him.
'Damn right!' Duo mouthed back. "All right then, Heero. Caller, are you still with us? What do you think of Heero's suggestion?"
"I'm here," the caller sounded out of breath, but faintly triumphant. "I have thought about going out to find someone else."
"INJUSTICE!" They heard in the background.
"But, unfortunately, I do love the idiot." The caller chuckled. Duo clasped his hands in front of his heart sentimentally while Heero shook his head.
"Well, in that case, maybe you need to bring someone else into the relationship to show your lover what to do. Kind of like a ménage a Trowa," Duo suggested evilly.
"That's a ménage a trois," Heero pointed out, managing to keep his voice level.
"Right. French isn't my strong point- unless we're talking kissing," Duo said smoothly.
"I'm afraid that's out of the question," the caller said, sounding disappointed. "He's very jealous."
"Well, in that case, I suggest a sex manual, maybe some videotapes, strictly instructional, of course," Heero flipped open his small notebook and wrote: Xmas gift for Chang- 'Sex for Dummies' as he spoke.
Duo managed to contain his giggles. "And don't forget- be vocal, tell him what you want. He may not know that he's doing anything wrong. If you give him orders, he might rise to the challenge and come through for you."
It was Heero's turn to choke.
"Stop that!" The caller snapped and there was the sound of a slap. "Sorry, he's trying to get the phone away from me."
"Whew! Sounds like an abusive relationship. Does he beat you?" Duo asked with a wicked grin.
"Not like used to. If he did, I wouldn't be calling." Duo turned bright red.
"In that case," Heero crossed out 'Sex for Dummies' and wrote 'whip'. "Maybe you need to tie him down."
"He never let me do that before," the caller pouted.
"Well, it might bring the spice back into your bedroom." Duo recovered. "At the very least, you should try it."
"I think I will," the caller's voice dropped an octave, to a near predatory sound. "Thanks guys! I think I'll go try that right now." She hung up.
"Another satisfied customer," Duo laughed.
"Well, hopefully she will be soon," Heero raised an eyebrow back. "Next caller?"
"How can we help you tonight?" Duo asked as Heero hit the next lit up button.
"I don't know what to do..." the voice was tearful, female and once again familiar.
"It's all right, caller," Heero soothed, surprised to hear this voice in tears. "You know that we're here to help you. Is this a problem with your spouse?"
"Boyfriend," the caller managed. Duo rolled his eyes and Heero shook his head in response.
"Long term?"
"Years." Heero shook his head again.
"So, why are you calling us tonight?" Duo asked.
"This is going to sound really silly," the caller said. "But sometimes I think he's more in love with himself than he is with me."
Duo made a 'Hallelujah!' gesture in the air.
"What makes you think that?" Heero asked even as he nodded agreement.
"Well, he spends a lot of time in the bathroom in the mornings. He says he's meditating on peace, but this morning I peeked in and he was..." her voice dropped. "Flying solo in front of the mirror... you know?"
Heero lost it that time. He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.
"I know," Duo kept his voice compassionate. "But maybe he was thinking about you..."
"He was calling his own name over and over."
Duo threw a pencil at Heero and ducked under the desk to hide his giggles.
Heero straightened up. "I can see where that would be disturbing, but he might have a good reason..."
"He also installed a mirror over our bed."
"On the ceiling?" Heero questioned.
"No, over the headboard- so he can watch..."
"Got it." Duo had recovered himself enough to get back on the mike. Heero smirked.
"And he always forgets my birthday, our anniversary, hell," the caller sounded angry now, "sometimes I think he forgets my name! He's always criticizing me! And you wouldn't believe the amount of time he spends on his hair!"
Duo grinned. "Well, Heero, I know you're dying to say it, and this time I agree with you. So go ahead."
"Dump his ass." Heero stated flatly. "You can do a thousand times better than this loser. Leave him with the love of his life and find someone who will appreciate you."
"Better still," Duo suggested. "Throw his ass out. Take all of his stuff and throw it out the window, change the locks and clean house."
"But, we've just signed up for the Mars expedition. I already gave notice at my job..." the caller sounded hesitant.
"Talk to your old boss. Explain the situation and I'm sure she'll take you back." Heero suggested.
'Happily so,' Duo mouthed at Heero with a suggestive smile.
"I guess I could do that... she always has been very understanding and sweet..." The caller sounded less hesitant.
Duo and Heero high-fived.
"Understanding and sweet huh? Sounds like the opposite of the jerk you're tossing out. Is she single?" Heero widened his eyes but Duo shrugged. 'Worth a shot...'
"Yes, she is... and she is the complete opposite of... Thanks guys. I know what to do now."
"You're welcome! Let us know how it works out." The caller hung up and Bruce cued up a commercial. Duo got to his feet and pretended that he was swinging a bat.
"He's outta here!"
"About freakin time," Heero agreed. The commercial ended and they took their places again.
"Next caller?"