Intuition

Summary: I didn't set out to like Narcissa. I love Lily. I hate it, it's all so complicated, I thought only girls were supposed to be this complicated. James monologue

Disclaimer: James, Narcissa, Lucius, Sirius, Lily, and anyone else are not mine. Even though I love them. I wish I could find some fics like these, I love these type of fics.

I didn't set out to like Narcissa Black, let's get that straight before anything else is said, or else you might get the wrong idea. I don't even know who 'you' is, except for this inanimate piece of paper that I'm writing to, but I'm addressing you now as if you were a person. So, random person that happens to be a piece of paper that I'm naming Cucumber, let's just say that I didn't set out to like Narcissa Black.

If you can tell anything about me by the above paragraph, it's that I'm not entirely serious. I'm a Marauder, I'm Prongs, I'm James Potter, I'm the prankster, I'm not supposed to be serious. None of the Gryffindors are serious except for Lily before an exam. And that's a whole different matter.

See, my girlfriend is Lily Evans, and I love her. It's weird, because you probably think I like Narcissa Black from the above paragraphs, but I love Lily Evans. It's just a thing with me. Without Lily, I'd probably fall over and die. And without Sirius. Sirius is my brother and Lily is just a big part of my heart. And it's really weird, because they both practically live with me and I guess that's kind of why I take them for granted. I know I shouldn't, Lily yells at me all the time for doing it, but I do. And I only see Narcissa Black....well...not often enough. At nights, usually. She loves Lucius Malfoy, you know, he's such an arrogant bastard and I hate him. And thus, Narcissa.

Narcissa isn't really like anyone else, she's really snotty and beautiful like Lily isn't—she's got the perfect hair thing going on where Lily's is all messed up. It's okay though, because Narcissa would look like a dork with messy hair and Lily would look really wrong with straight perfect hair. Why do I keep comparing them?! They're nothing alike! Narcissa's Pureblood and she sort of hates Lily's guts, but not really all the way so much, because sometimes I think they're like sisters, and that made no sense but it's really hard to explain. Like Narcissa.

Narcissa knows things, if you know what I mean. I can sit by her in the Great Hall and watch the people go by, and she'll point at a fourth year Hufflepuff and tell me that the girl is sleeping with three different guys. And then I'll ask her how she knows, and she'll say something so off topic like: "She's got the wrong shade of lipstick," and think that explains everything.

"Ever think you might be wrong?" I asked her once.

She took a puff on her cigarette. She smokes like mad. "Nope," she said breezily, then pointed to someone coming through the doors. Frank Longbottom, my year. "He's going to die a tragic death," she said, and frowned.

"And how do you know this?" I asked her conversationally.

"Way he moves his hands."

And she's insane. "Oh, okay," I said, and waved my hands around in the air. "Oh no, I'm going to die a tragic death! Narcissa, please, do you think you're the divination teacher? Get a grip!"

And Narcissa didn't care. Because we were all seventh years and nothing means anything when you're in seventh year, there's not so much drama and people are more real somehow. And Narcissa didn't care, she just blew out her smoke and told me that I was going to die young and that it wasn't her damn problem.

And that's sort of where the problem started, you'd never know it. We used to sit there after lunch, before we went back to class, and she'd sometimes sit for hours, skipping everything. And one day I sat with her and watched everyone. She's really beautiful, Narcissa's so beautiful you'd never guess that she's really cold. And it just sort of ended up that way. Us making out in the Great Hall while skipping class. Seventh year.

I mean, I'm a pretty good kisser. I'm known for it. Lily always likes a snog with me, and she's pretty good, too, she's a nice kisser. Narcissa practices kissing like an art form. Really pretty and creative, but not heartfelt. I think it's because she's in love with Lucius. And she told me that, and I told her that he was a bastard, and she raised an eyebrow and told me that she didn't care.

And I felt sort of guilty when I saw Lily talking to Narcissa that night, and sort of wondered if Lily knew. But if she did, she didn't show it, because she came over and gave me a hug and helped me with Charms like usual. She did shake her head at me before she went up to bed, though, standing at the foot of the stairs when I tried to kiss her, and her eyes were all shiny before she turned away and ran up the stairs, ignoring my amusing declarations of love and protestations of abandonment. I think girls know everything sometimes, but they cry too much. It's because they tell each other everything, news and gossip and sadness too. It's why girls are so sad. Lily's sad, and I know Narcissa's sad because she's bitter. It's why she only tells me negative things.

And girls are frustrating. Yeah.

"It's Intuition," Narcissa said and I think it was that same night, when I was sitting with her in the Library, that girl never sleeps and she can give words capital letters. "Intuition. It's a girl thing, it's an instinct thing, it's a gift and it's never wrong. It's the ability to tell when something is out of line by taking in all the little things and watching them, and noticing when they're off, even if it's subconsciously. You're lucky, you've got two friends who have it. Lily does. And so do I."

"Don't be so modest," I said dryly, and she smiled.

"And you, James Potter, you're a good kisser, but you're not a patch on Lucius Malfoy."

"I hate Lucius Malfoy."

"I know."

And she's just that annoying. "Well, you don't have to be all I'm-So-Cool and I-Don't-Care about it."

Another smile, she's going to turn into a clown any minute now, this is major stuff coming from smoking cold Slytherin Princess Narcissa Black. "I do care," she said, and that was so out of character, now that I think about it, Narcissa never tells anyone what she thinks about things, just what she says is going to happen. "I care about Lucius, and Sirius, and Lily sometimes, and you." And then, of course, we're making out again, snogging each other senseless and it's great.

And later on, when I go back to the common room, Lily's doing homework by the fire and I feel guilty again.

It's not easy, I don't even know why I do it. And I walk over to Lily and hug her really tightly, just holding onto her. Because I'll always love Lily. Lily's always there. She's always a part of me.

But sometimes I want someone who doesn't know anything about me.

And that sounds crazy, but it's true. I don't want someone with expectations, and Narcissa doesn't expect anything of me, Lily expects everything out of me. I don't know. Maybe I'm just a horrible person because I'm tired of kissing the same person every day. I hate it, it's all so complicated, I thought only girls were supposed to be this complicated. But I can't help it.

Because tonight, I'm going to sit with Lily in that armchair by the fire, and tomorrow, I'm skipping Care of Magical Creatures to sit with Narcissa in the Great Hall.