Heaven's Not Enough
All disclaimers apply.
Free.
Blue walked through the pallid gloom, eyes locked into some middle distance, unaware of where she was going, as long as it was away from where she was.
He had told her she wasn't his dog anymore. And with those few words, he had set her free.
Free to watch the world come to an end.
She stopped moving at the edge of an overhanging cliff. The flat, barren land lay stretched out before her, dead and frozen all the way to the horizon and a testament to the only sort of future there would be left to have once the planet had completely collapsed into itself. If there would even be this much. Over the smell of ice and blasted earth, the breeze carried smoke and ruin to her nose from somewhere far away, burning cities, burning everything, most likely. If the end would come in any form, she was willing to bet it would be in fire.
As if in agreement, white streaks of light chased each other across patches in the clouded sky, dying stars, it seemed, making their graves on the earth.
A part of her quailed against her stillness, begged her to go and find Pops, wherever he was going, to stay by his side.
But why? she asked that part. He doesn't want me.
That wasn't true, and she knew it. She knew it from the way he had stroked her fur, given her his rare, genuine smile, without either cynicism or anger. As if she were the only thing he wanted to see in the world when he opened his eyes - the next best thing to the family they had shared and together had lost. Their own world, ending in fire. And from then on, a fire had burned in him for vengeance against those he thought responsible. Blue had never shared his hatred, but she loved him and did as he asked. Hunted for his sake - anything for Pops.
But now . . .
Some time ago, a lifetime, it seemed, her leash and collar had been broken. Her illusions about herself and her limitations had been broken along with them. But despite those shackles she had willingly borne for the sake of love falling away, there had still been one last tether holding her tightly to Pops and demanding she stay by his side: Her loyalty. Her need for him and her fear of life without him and those like him. Every dog needed a master.
It was Hige and the others who had shown her what she could be without humans. With them, she had explored the second half of her heritage and lived on her wits alone. No leash to guide her, no collar to mark her as owned and protected.
Admit it, Blue told herself ruefully. The only reason you really wanted to stay with Pops is because he was all that was left of the past. Your family, your pack. You never really needed him. Not as much as he needed you.
And he needed her still. He needed someone, anyone - they all did, in these evil times. But he had dismissed her.
For his own sake, or for her own? She had known he would want nothing to do with Paradise, known that the rage that burned bright in him for wolves was something he would cling to more than anything else - even more than her. She had known when he had left her bleeding on the ground in that desolate city so soon after she realized what ran in her blood, first and foremost in his mind, hunting the wolves. Always, destroy the wolves.
He knew I would go with him anyway, despite that, she thought. He knew I would follow him to the ends of the earth if he asked. Even if he didn't ask.
And so he had let her go, to do as she chose. To anyone else, it might seem cold, even, perhaps, cruel. But she had known Pops for years, almost as long as she'd been alive, and she knew him well. In his own way, this was his final gift to her. For the first time in her life, she was free. Truly free to do whatever she wanted.
It was so wonderful and so painful that for a moment she thought she might die. It was all she could do not to curl up on the lip of that cliff, but she resisted the urge. No, she had done enough crying these past few days. Enough for this life and the next.
And what of this life? What was she going to do now? A halfbreed, that's what she was, when all was said and done. A half each of two vastly different things and therefore belonging no where. Paradise most likely wouldn't have her, and her one last link to the human world had forsaken her. What was there for her now?
What was it she wanted?
Blue heard the familiar padding of paws behind her and didn't need to turn to know who it was. And then she knew what it was she truly wanted, more than anything else in this dimming, dying world around her.
Pops, she thought to the wind, thank you. Thank you for giving me the freedom I need so that I can be with him.
A brown wolf with roan eyes who now meant everything to her.
Hige followed Blue's trail slowly, knowing she probably wouldn't go very far. He knew he was stalling for time. He might be the last thing she wanted to see right now, but he was damned if he was going to leave her out here alone.
Cold-blooded old man, he thought. Just cutting her off like that as if she meant nothing. After all she did for him.
Something about that thought, however, didn't ring true. The old man's dismissal had been short and cold, but most humans, in Hige's experience, were terrible liars - at least to a wolf's eyes. The old man was no exception. Whatever else he might have been, that human loved Blue as much as she loved him, regardless of what sort of blood ran in her veins.
So why send her away like that?
He tripped on a loose stone and winced as he regained his balance, biting back a whimper of pain at the searing agony from his jolted wound. It was healing far too slugglishly and the cold wasn't helping any, but then, he had been fortunate it wasn't fatal. Only dumb luck and a few precious inches had kept Jagura's sword from piercing his right lung. Maybe one of his kind could heal from even something like that, but he wasn't willing to bet his life on it. As it was, he could barely walk without enduring hideous pain as his body struggled to compensate for the wound and keep him from passing out altogether.
But it was worth it to finally see her standing on edge of a rise that overlooked the icy land beneath them. She had her back to him and he couldn't read anything in her posture, and she didn't react to his arrival, though he knew she heard him.
Uncertain of what to do next, Hige paused a little bit behind her. He took a breath to say something, anything, that might be of some comfort. But nothing worthwhile came to him, and he breathed out again, dropping his eyes to the ground.
"Hige." Her soft voice startled him. "Where are you planning to go?" she asked. He looked up at her. She had turned her head to look at him, and there was something certain and steady about her deep blue gaze - as if she had come to one dreadfully final decision.
Hige stared at her, somewhat incredulous. What was she getting at? There wasn't anywhere to go in this ugly wasteland, except maybe to an early death. For a moment, some of his humor drifted back to him, ill-timed as it was. "Well, where do you think?" he began flippantly, but she cut him off.
"It doesn't matter." She held his eyes. "Wherever it is, I'm going with you."
Confused, Hige quickly sobered. "But Blue . . ."
"Where you go, I go," she insisted, and her tone brooked no argument. Before he could think of what to say to that, she was speaking again. "I take it Paradise isn't on the list, right?"
He froze, thrown again. How had she known? He hadn't said anything, to her or the others.
But maybe they knew, too.
His silence was affirmation enough, and she said, "Well, I'm still going with you."
He couldn't believe it. "What are you saying, Blue? You mean, you're not gonna -"
"How many times do I have to say it?" She whirled on him, eyes flashing, and he was surprised at her vehemence. As quickly as she had snapped at him, though, she calmed and descended back into that eerie composure from before. "And besides, I doubt I could get in to Paradise. After all, I'm only part wolf. Paradise probably wouldn't take me." Quiet bitterness laced her tone, and it was all he could do not to go up to her and try to soothe it.
"But I -" Hige cut himself off and turned away. He wasn't going to let her think he would be giving up anything, going with her. He wasn't so pure and desired, either. "I was one of Jagura's wolves," he said lowly, still not looking at her. No matter how often he reminded himself that wasn't any fault of his own, there was still some shame in admitting it. "There's no way I could go to the same world as Kiba and the others."
But even this said aloud didn't phase Blue. "Then stay with me!"
"But what about the old man, Blue?" Hige demanded suddenly, in one breath. There, he thought flatly, I said it. The human that had been the only thing standing between them, and whom he resented, in some small way, for keeping them apart. She loved that man with all of her heart - so much so that he had to wonder if there really was any place for him with her. "Is it okay that you won't be with him anymore? And that -" he swallowed, "and that you'll never get to Paradise?"
Probably never make it out of this desert. Probably never make it anywhere, since there wouldn't be anywhere to go. He couldn't protect her from this final calamity or give her the home and the life she deserved. No matter how much he wanted to. This cold, undeniable fact weighed on him even more than the wound in his chest, and might have been twice as likely to kill him in the end.
And yet the dark wolf standing before him shook her head. "The only thing that matters now is you, Hige," she told him, so softly he almost didn't catch the words. The tremor in her voice along with the sincerity of her words struck him deeply, so deeply that he didn't know what to do, and just looked at her.
When he met her eyes, the strange calm surrounding her finally shattered. "If I can be with you when the world ends," she cried, "it'll be enough for me!"
He wasn't prepared when she ran to him and threw herself against him, burying her nose in his ruff, her lean body shaking with all of the tears that a wolf couldn't cry.
For a second, Hige was frozen. Then he rested his own chin on her shoulder, shutting his eyes and gently nuzzling her, a strange feeling filling his chest. Her scent, cool rain and damp earth, surrounded him, and for a moment in time he could forget that the world was falling apart all around them. None of that mattered. If he could be enough for her, then she could be more than enough for him.
She was all the Paradise that he could ever need.
Heaven, goodbye . . .
- end